Speaker 1: Welcome back to alchemy. That's I'm your host, Kevin Polly.
Speaker 1: Yes that Kevin Polling was that na no no. To
Speaker 1: be honest, I'd rather not. Please don't try to stay
Speaker 1: with me throughout my career. I've been fortunate enough to
Speaker 1: see my fair share of true out me. By definition,
Speaker 1: alchemy is when a person transforms or creates something through
Speaker 1: a seemingly magical process. And my dear peas and poops,
Speaker 1: like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
Speaker 1: several occasions. An example, Sure, if you're going to be
Speaker 1: like that, let's see. Okay, here's one. The team of
Speaker 1: young scamps who portrayed a hockey team in the film
Speaker 1: The Mighty Ducks were so delightful together they spawned an
Speaker 1: actual professional hockey franchise. But I digress the point, folks,
Speaker 1: A wonderful idea hit me square in the old nogg,
Speaker 1: and what if I brought together the right creative peeps,
Speaker 1: forced them to make ship up based on my own twisted,
Speaker 1: demented ideas, and then offer a podcast of this seemingly
Speaker 1: magical process, and I could call it alchemy in your eye,
Speaker 1: you bucket of smaller buckets. Well after a bit of
Speaker 1: title tankering. I'm so very proud to welcome you, dear
Speaker 1: friends to another episode of Alchemy. This let's meet our
Speaker 1: gathered alchemists, shall we, in no particular order to say hello?
Speaker 1: Mr Craig Atkowsky. Creig, tell the folks why you believe
Speaker 1: the earth is flat? I don't see it round, do you?
Speaker 1: I just think just keeps going straight. You're not wrong.
Speaker 1: Next up is the fairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa. What's
Speaker 1: the truth about child rearing? Nobody's talking about? You know?
Speaker 1: The truth? Isle is not that cross that is clean.
Speaker 1: What would a super team like this be without Mr
Speaker 1: Chris Oberto, Hey Chris, hey? Can you conversely teaching young
Speaker 1: dog old tricks? No, they'll be crazy crazy, that's correct.
Speaker 1: And then of course there's Mr Joey Greer Greer Stini.
Speaker 1: What is four times seventeen? Four times seventeen? Uh la? Last,
Speaker 1: but hope you're a coffee's tepp it if you think
Speaker 1: him least? Mr James Heeney, can I call you Jimmy
Speaker 1: the jew Lover? Well? I think if I said no,
Speaker 1: it would send the wrong idea. I'm sure. All right.
Speaker 1: Then let's get to our first scene. Shall we open
Speaker 1: them up? Oh no, no, no no. Today's show great
Speaker 1: moments in human history. We start with in the Plymouth
Speaker 1: colonists and the Wampanong Indians shared an autumn harvest feast
Speaker 1: that is acknowledged today as the first Thanksgiving celebration in
Speaker 1: the colonies. We take you now to a few years
Speaker 1: later for the third Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's still pretty much
Speaker 1: the same maze we did two years ago. But uh,
Speaker 1: I didn't mean it like it was pouring. I meant
Speaker 1: like I'm getting used to it and I like it. Good. Good.
Speaker 1: We've added more salt and butter for your for your taste,
Speaker 1: for your limited taste. Well that's well, that's the little rude. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's good. That's good. Well, you coming to our land
Speaker 1: was pretty rude. Yeah, I mean we went over this
Speaker 1: last year and the year before that. It's like, you know,
Speaker 1: we're good now. And that's just tradition. Yes, it's just tradition.
Speaker 1: Rule of threes. Once said, something happens, third dimonds tradition.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right. Uh. Speaking of which, Um, speaking
Speaker 1: of traditions, I made you this. This is a hand turkey. Um.
Speaker 1: I put my hand on a piece of paper and
Speaker 1: then I outline the hand and it's turkey and you
Speaker 1: can eat that or oh no, no, it's for you
Speaker 1: to hang on your wherever you live. Why would I
Speaker 1: I I live in a hut. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: say it. It It seems weird because I live in a house. Yes,
Speaker 1: well my hunt as a house with a that route. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that seems weird. But you can hang this. Why would
Speaker 1: I do that? Um? If it you know, it brings
Speaker 1: the holidays about it, lets you know we're having some fun.
Speaker 1: To be honest, it doesn't look like a turkey. It
Speaker 1: looks like a hand. You drew some feathers on it.
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, well you know maybe this
Speaker 1: one won't stick. Look, before our families get here, I
Speaker 1: want to make sure you and I are good. Are
Speaker 1: we we We're good? Right? Uh? Well you did bring
Speaker 1: a smallpox which has wiped out at least half of
Speaker 1: my tribe. So I mean you're welcome. I mean I
Speaker 1: guess other than that, we're good. Great. Great. Also, I
Speaker 1: was wondering and like, I don't know if this is
Speaker 1: too much, But before the families get here, can I
Speaker 1: call you Joe? Uh? My name is ku Koye. That's like,
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to say, and my wife doesn't
Speaker 1: love say anything very it's just very easy to say. Joe, Hey, Joe,
Speaker 1: let's stick to kukoye or cool? All right, Joe? If
Speaker 1: you yeah, yeah, yeah, yea yea ya yeah. I gave
Speaker 1: you a one syllable option. Yeah, I know, I know.
Speaker 1: This feels this feels tense, This feels tense. It's come on.
Speaker 1: It's the day to be thankful. I'm thankful for I'm
Speaker 1: thankful for you, Joe. I'm thankful for this land. I'm
Speaker 1: thankful for this wonderful food that you've prepared. I'm also
Speaker 1: thankful for this land which is been amongst my people
Speaker 1: for thousands of years. Here here here, here, here, here,
Speaker 1: and now it's out'tly you've been here for two years? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's our land so much. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's God's land. I you know what. I agree. I agree.
Speaker 1: God gave us this land and we are just using it.
Speaker 1: I agree. Well, let's say the great being in the sky, okay,
Speaker 1: which you call God? Yeah? Well, that's his name, that's
Speaker 1: his that's his name. His name is God. Yeah, all right,
Speaker 1: that's kind of a known thing. And I know you
Speaker 1: probably don't. You don't read as much as I do.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like the known thing. It's his name
Speaker 1: is God. I read the sky, I read the trees.
Speaker 1: That's very that's funny. I know we talked about that
Speaker 1: all the time. Or like, do you see Joe reading
Speaker 1: the read you other day? Wait, everyone calls me, Joe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what's on page three? Joe? Yeah? So you were persecuted
Speaker 1: in your home country. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't like you
Speaker 1: there either, either. M Oh yeah, no they didn't, they didn't,
Speaker 1: they didn't. Can't wait to watch the big game today?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, that that I'm excited at about who's
Speaker 1: going to win? Uh? Probably probably it's Church versus Skins, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: I know you're a big Skins fan, so yes, I'm
Speaker 1: going for shirts. Okay, Yeah, you want to put a
Speaker 1: little wager on that? Sure, okay, sure, Um some of
Speaker 1: those beads? Great? Great, Okay, maybe if you win, I'll
Speaker 1: give you some beads. If I win, uh take the
Speaker 1: rest of the Yeah, sure, why not, I mean it's
Speaker 1: gonna happen. Regard. That's as good a deal as we've
Speaker 1: made so far. Okay, great, are you thankful today? Uh? Sure,
Speaker 1: I have my health, I have my family. I have
Speaker 1: this too. Sorry, I don't mean not sneezed right in
Speaker 1: my face? Do you feel that um, that that ominous
Speaker 1: tone and the virus that has just entered your body? Yes?
Speaker 1: I do? You see. I don't know what great I
Speaker 1: in the sky you talked to. But you better talk
Speaker 1: to me quickly before my virus infects your entire body.
Speaker 1: Why would you do this? You invited me to a
Speaker 1: party and then gave me a virus. I don't like
Speaker 1: you much, Joe Egg, I think, is what I said. Yeah, Egg,
Speaker 1: The truth is you're making a virus, making crazy smooth
Speaker 1: here a little tough. What's up a voice? There's a
Speaker 1: voice in my head. That turkey didn't look like a
Speaker 1: try didn't, No, it did. That Durkey was like just
Speaker 1: exactly like a hand. Are you crazy? Or is the
Speaker 1: dude with the hand with the dirkey crazy? Man? He's crazy.
Speaker 1: He's the one that's crazy. His nose cho cho, Your
Speaker 1: nose is bleeding by his nose. I got I got
Speaker 1: your nose, I got your nose in my mouth. Parties,
Speaker 1: that's funny, you crazy? Happy? Thanksgiving? Hey, money money. Come here,
Speaker 1: come here, look what I found. This is Joe's pipe.
Speaker 1: Wha you want to You want to smoke it with me? Yeah?
Speaker 1: He cands dinners and tan. Thanks mom, we'll be right there.
Speaker 1: Thanks mob. I wish I had a little help in
Speaker 1: the hut. But let's smoke it. They're always smoking it, Bruce,
Speaker 1: what's going on? You just want to detach from everything
Speaker 1: all the time, Lenny. This is gonna make us smarter.
Speaker 1: Look how good they are. They're fast, they can catch deer.
Speaker 1: That's smart to you. Yeah, it's real smart, like that's
Speaker 1: a physical attribute that necessarily fine, you don't get anything.
Speaker 1: Come on, don't say that that's my Bruce. Please, Lenny,
Speaker 1: you're not taking this seriously. I want to be a warrior. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: I'm here to hell. What can I do? Bruce? I mean, well,
Speaker 1: we need fire? All right? This is this is going
Speaker 1: so fast. First we're gonna smoke something. Now you want
Speaker 1: to just go? How do you think we're gonna light
Speaker 1: this pipe? Letny? Oh? Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe
Speaker 1: I do need to get a little smarter. See we
Speaker 1: need to get some fire, okay, yeah, easy, get some flints,
Speaker 1: some tinder, go to town. Well, here's the thing. I'm
Speaker 1: afraid that if we get tinder and flint, it's gonna
Speaker 1: be a big fire and everybody's can see. We need
Speaker 1: something portable. We need a miterature your mache in minimature, minimum, minimature, miniature, miniature,
Speaker 1: miniature fire machines. Say that again. I'm you're making fun
Speaker 1: of me. Just one miniature fire machine, because if we
Speaker 1: have a big bonfire, I'm not gonna like this pipe. Bruce,
Speaker 1: I'm a mom. Mom. Somebody get into the maze. I
Speaker 1: can't find it. Snack on the maze, I did it, Mom,
Speaker 1: Oh Jesus, Bruise. Sorry, Sometimes I get lost in the maze.
Speaker 1: See what I said there? Yeah, that was great. Maybe
Speaker 1: these travelers from another land, Maybe maybe that's the future
Speaker 1: that we're looking for. Listening. I don't want to blow
Speaker 1: your mind, Lenny, but we are the travelers from Netherlands.
Speaker 1: You get huffed off of whatever's in that pipe, and
Speaker 1: you go down the road that I don't know it
Speaker 1: is already paved, paved. Were's pa Rome romehead paved? Of
Speaker 1: course they did. But here here, of course, and you
Speaker 1: see things that might not be the things you want
Speaker 1: to see. Because the things you thought you'd see. Okay,
Speaker 1: your father's Oh my goodness, it's gonna huff. Oh you're
Speaker 1: just gonna huff. I don't know a little secret. Come here,
Speaker 1: Oh scream when you're in pain right in your lip.
Speaker 1: Listened to me. You think this would be fun. It
Speaker 1: would be fun to smoke dad's pipe. It would be
Speaker 1: like the big guys. Yeah, yeah, it's got cool. You
Speaker 1: want to know a little something. Your dad had a brother,
Speaker 1: try you had an uncle. Reminded me a lot of you.
Speaker 1: That one. It was built like you. And when he
Speaker 1: was your age or size, well, it's with difference. He
Speaker 1: got a hold of his death. That's right crawling there,
Speaker 1: and you know what happened to him. He lit it
Speaker 1: with a little mimiature fire. And then he went on
Speaker 1: a journey and he was not prepared for and he hasn't.
Speaker 1: So if you think you're ready to funk around with that,
Speaker 1: you go ahead. But one of y'all won't come back,
Speaker 1: and I bet it's going to be the fat one. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: set anyone help me in the kitchen. Okay, Mom, Bruce,
Speaker 1: I can't hear you. Of course you'll talk later. We
Speaker 1: live in the same room, a man from distant land,
Speaker 1: man seeking something, man alone? What is this prophecy? M hmm.
Speaker 1: I've been sitting out here in the desert land, the
Speaker 1: desert of message that's right, waiting for the one with
Speaker 1: the message. Uh I was I was sent here. You're fat,
Speaker 1: well that big bone. It was written at the fat
Speaker 1: man across the desert to bring the message. And now
Speaker 1: the prophecy is fulfilled. Well, you need to give us
Speaker 1: that message. So I did my face. Sorry, I just
Speaker 1: gotta get a little something. Sorry, Now I feel like
Speaker 1: like I have a little something. Uh what my bad
Speaker 1: on that? Uh so what is this great message? Um?
Speaker 1: I'm listening. Sorry, I wasn't clearing my throat. I just
Speaker 1: so I'm a little under the weather. I feel also
Speaker 1: under the weather. I mean we're all, we're always under
Speaker 1: the weather. Don't do that to me. I mean specifically,
Speaker 1: I don't feel well. You don't feel well. I don't
Speaker 1: feel great either. Perhaps this is the prophecy. Perhaps the
Speaker 1: message you were bringing was germs. Is that a message?
Speaker 1: I'm taking it as a message. My nose is running,
Speaker 1: my throat is sore, I feel aky, and I have
Speaker 1: the chills. My vision is blurring. Do you hear that?
Speaker 1: Is it a voice in your head? Oh? Great one,
Speaker 1: speak to me, yes, speak to me voice. Oh it's
Speaker 1: a knock knock joke? What's that? Who? Is this something
Speaker 1: I learned from the colonists. Who's there? Lose their flues there?
Speaker 1: So then you say flus there? Who? Okay, lose there? Who? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have the flu. I don't know if I get
Speaker 1: the joke, but it was not so much. We take
Speaker 1: you now quite a bit into the future from that
Speaker 1: third thanks Giving anyways, we'll take you aboard this maiden voyage,
Speaker 1: joining this brave crew three months into the first mission
Speaker 1: to Mars Falcon Heavy. This is data processing. You can
Speaker 1: just say your name at this point, Hey, Dan, here
Speaker 1: were what's up? Uh? We have oxygen levels at nominal,
Speaker 1: we are processing carbon at four above flex. The magnesium
Speaker 1: is coming in hot, and we're gonna need another profile
Speaker 1: on the metallurgy. I'll pull up the metallergy profile. How's
Speaker 1: it going yet? I can hear your fingers typing my nails. Hey,
Speaker 1: what happened with you in stand? Did you guys work
Speaker 1: that out? Yeah? We we We're gonna use separate bathrooms. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's good. Maybe you know, these are the things that
Speaker 1: we're learning as we go along, the rules we have
Speaker 1: to have. But you can't know until there's a scuffle. Right.
Speaker 1: Data point nine four increasing on water levels. Dump the
Speaker 1: water out to get the ice in, because we were
Speaker 1: to make sure it's cool. Yeah, no, done, I just
Speaker 1: have to press Betton for that. When that one was
Speaker 1: an easy one. I can hear your type. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: know it's my name. Yeah. Uh. Going to the thing tonight, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the hat party. Oh no, I was talking to one
Speaker 1: on the second floor, second floor, they're doing a mixer.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, I think you have to be Jewish? Are
Speaker 1: you do? No? Oh, never mind, I don't believe in God.
Speaker 1: Another one in space. Now that we're in space, you
Speaker 1: don't believe in God. It's so funny. I had the
Speaker 1: exact opposite journey. I was sort of more culturally religious
Speaker 1: than personally spiritual. And now I have flipped the script.
Speaker 1: Something is real. This is batship what we're seeing. I
Speaker 1: got a data chip burning up, needed to process up
Speaker 1: four points back to this. Okay, you can get new
Speaker 1: data chips if you just go to front office. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I'm like talking to you. Hey, Rochelle, Hey, listen. Um,
Speaker 1: we love what you're doing here in the ship. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank you. I'm having fun. I'm having fun, and that's
Speaker 1: part of it, certainly. Yeah, I think there's a balance.
Speaker 1: I think maybe perhaps not so so much fun because
Speaker 1: it's still a job. Oh, I'm treating it as a job.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm just bringing my personality. That's what I
Speaker 1: want to talk to you about. Okay, Well, I can't
Speaker 1: undo my personality, Dylon. I mean, can you can you
Speaker 1: do to tone it down? Well? The flirting with Dan specifically,
Speaker 1: the floating with Dan specifically, Rochelle, you know what, Dylan
Speaker 1: are you? Are you listening on the line. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: listening on the line. It's a job. I'm the line
Speaker 1: listener here in the ship. Well, guess what's that we
Speaker 1: keep We keep it professional enough. I've got all the
Speaker 1: checklist done. You can go through the spreadsheets and then
Speaker 1: we're talking because we're still humans. We may be an
Speaker 1: outer space, but a little human connection is important, Dylan.
Speaker 1: Not that was we're innu windows on the checklist. Jeremiah,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming down to the infirmary. How are
Speaker 1: you feeling? Not great? Ah? You you don't look I
Speaker 1: got explosive diarrhea. Jeremiah, we really need you to seclude
Speaker 1: yourself to your dorm. Well, you're sick because it's spreading.
Speaker 1: I'm not a scientist, you know I am. All right,
Speaker 1: go ahead, go on. I was hired because I'm a
Speaker 1: bounty hunter and a good one, and I'm supposed to
Speaker 1: look for those goddamn martians. I know you are, and
Speaker 1: you get a hundred per per martian you find. That's right.
Speaker 1: You know how many I found so far? How many? Zero?
Speaker 1: That's what I found. Now, if you just take three
Speaker 1: or four days to yourself and your torm, put the
Speaker 1: VR headset on, and then when you're done, you'll be fine.
Speaker 1: And played all the VR games at this point, you're
Speaker 1: just gonna have to run through them again because Mr
Speaker 1: Musk would have a larger library of VR Jeremia, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna cut straight with you. If you don't seclude yourself
Speaker 1: what we call quarantine, I'm gonna have to eject you
Speaker 1: into space. You're gonna eject me into space? What choice
Speaker 1: do you give me. I'm taking a pod down to
Speaker 1: the goddamn surface. Don't. I'm gonna bag me some margins. Listen,
Speaker 1: don't take a pod that we don't just please if
Speaker 1: then we're gonna have to clean that pot out. It's
Speaker 1: gonna take three days to make sure it's safe. I'm fine.
Speaker 1: The diary is succumb. Welcome to pots. We're not just
Speaker 1: taking you down to the surface of Mars. We're taking
Speaker 1: you into the future of this. We're now the third
Speaker 1: week of the first station on Mars. Do you think
Speaker 1: I give a ship about that? Okay, I'm pumping water
Speaker 1: from outer space into here. Okay, don't give a ship Okay.
Speaker 1: Can you guys keep it down? Yeah, yeah we can.
Speaker 1: Will you shut up? May you look? When things are important,
Speaker 1: we're gonna raise our voices. I don't give a ship
Speaker 1: about the body count you keep bringing it. Okay. Look
Speaker 1: all I know is I got a hundred per margin. Okay, yeah, Jeremiah,
Speaker 1: is that you Yeah it's me. I knew it. I
Speaker 1: can tell I saw one of those things outside, you know,
Speaker 1: the margins. Yeah, if you could take care of that,
Speaker 1: that would be great. All right. They're gonna try to
Speaker 1: be friendly to you, but don't fall for it. Let
Speaker 1: me talk to him. Please, handshake. Handshake. That's what talking.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna smash it. Just give me a damn
Speaker 1: kiss on the cheeks. Kiss on the cheeks, and they
Speaker 1: learned from watching us. You're welcome, Thank you, we bring
Speaker 1: I've got handy. Okay, okay, eat the candy. Let's the candy. Candy, Okay,
Speaker 1: eat the candy, Eat the candy. Want to smoke my pipe? Sure,
Speaker 1: let's all smoke the Pipelets all hit the pipe. Don't
Speaker 1: fall for that. God, damn margin trick. Jeremy, Jeremy, God, dammit,
Speaker 1: just one hand. You know what I'll do? Do go?
Speaker 1: We want to watch okay one? Oh my, he's fallen
Speaker 1: into a margin trance by by they learned him in
Speaker 1: with their peace quote unquote pipe, and now they've left
Speaker 1: him to us. I feel really relaxed. God, snap out
Speaker 1: of it. You probably want to sit down and have
Speaker 1: a dinner with these folks, eat their margin candy and
Speaker 1: make peace. I love both of you guys so much.
Speaker 1: Stop stop. I feel like I was too strong and
Speaker 1: understanding bother points of view on this, and um ask
Speaker 1: for forgiveness. Well he's really meatowed everything, Like fine, I
Speaker 1: forgive you, I forgive you. I want to marry you.
Speaker 1: Oh my, God, don't know. I don't want to marry you.
Speaker 1: I know you're under the influence right now. And jeremiad
Speaker 1: it tell a few like what's happening or not? What
Speaker 1: I see that what plays out? I just wanted to say, Um,
Speaker 1: I got on that Jang spaceship because I'd had enough
Speaker 1: of Earth, and I thought I'd had enough of people too.
Speaker 1: But about your touch, I don't know. Maybe it's candy,
Speaker 1: it's taking it feels good. Nobody's touched me in months.
Speaker 1: We're not on Earth anymore. Maybe we don't have to
Speaker 1: abide by those laws if we're not listening to gravity.
Speaker 1: Who says we have to listen to anything? But our
Speaker 1: bodies can create our own God Here goddamn margin drink.
Speaker 1: Taking the tenth anniversary of that first day and on
Speaker 1: Mars ten years, I commemorate this statue for all the
Speaker 1: men and women who have lost their lives for elon
Speaker 1: Musk City one. You know I'm a city monk. Whoop,
Speaker 1: who whoo, whoop, whoo, who whoo, whoo, whoo, whoop whoop.
Speaker 1: Now to speak on behalf of the military exercises that
Speaker 1: are ongoing, I present you, Admiral Spinned, thank you, thank
Speaker 1: you for bringing me up here. We've got some serious
Speaker 1: military exercises to do. It's important that we still excuse me,
Speaker 1: whoo whoo, I hear, who's a city one? That's good.
Speaker 1: We need to stomp out these goddamn Margins. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you know him around, but they were splitting
Speaker 1: a god damned margin drugs. Say again, I can't hear you.
Speaker 1: I said that they went goddamn margin drugs and we've
Speaker 1: got to stomp him ount it's not excuse me? What right? Hi? Hi?
Speaker 1: Just so, let's I'll give a whoop up for the
Speaker 1: Margin delegation that has come to celebrate the statue honoring
Speaker 1: the death that they had caused. Hi, okay, that's I
Speaker 1: am not letting them speak at the podium. If that's
Speaker 1: what's going on, I'm here to destroy them. When does
Speaker 1: the earth plane leave the ship? Listen? I didn't think
Speaker 1: anybody would want to go back. I'm a military guy.
Speaker 1: I'm here to crush, kill, destroy, I'm not here to
Speaker 1: ascend you on your aviation trips. Let the Margins talk him.
Speaker 1: Talk with their ruthless, bloodthirsty little beings that have smaller
Speaker 1: podium for the Margins, please please just give him a
Speaker 1: step stool. Mm hmmm, here's a little party. We are
Speaker 1: the Margins, and we have an offering for you. All right,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, let's let's see it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: have fully automatic weapons from the middle. Leave one survivor
Speaker 1: to tell the story. It is minutes after the massive
Speaker 1: stone was removed and it was discovered that Jesus Christ
Speaker 1: was gone. He's gone, He's gone. He's not in the cave. Jesus.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure he was just here a little bit ago.
Speaker 1: He was when we put him in there. And just look, Carl,
Speaker 1: let's go. Let's maybe he's deeper in the cave. Come
Speaker 1: in here and take a look. It's so hard to see.
Speaker 1: It's so dark. You got like a some sort of
Speaker 1: fire device. I have a candle with that word. Yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: it's like a candle. Yep. See, there's nobody in there.
Speaker 1: Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off. What are
Speaker 1: you doing? Taking a knap, Steve, I'm taking na. What's
Speaker 1: the hell would you let Jesus out? But who won?
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ was in here. We closed the stone. He
Speaker 1: was in here. I opened the stone. Taking now, Steve,
Speaker 1: we don't know if he got out on his own,
Speaker 1: then well, yeah, we put him in here, is dead. Gone,
Speaker 1: go back where we killed the guy. I understand, But
Speaker 1: he said and kept saying, I'm coming back, I'm coming back. Well,
Speaker 1: I tell you things all the time. I don't do it.
Speaker 1: That's Steve. Yeah, but Steve is unreliable. I don't reliable.
Speaker 1: You're unreliable. But we rolled the Christ, Jesus Christ. We
Speaker 1: rolled the whole here. I don't know to three hours ago.
Speaker 1: You know, I got Jessica at home, you know, she's yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't find a good place to take a nap.
Speaker 1: I needed some me time. I needed some Steve, think
Speaker 1: you so you went into the game where we put
Speaker 1: the dead body in Jesus Christ. You thought that would
Speaker 1: be all right? Yeah, because the guy's dead. What's he
Speaker 1: gonna say. He's not gonna say nothing. I was Jesus
Speaker 1: in here when you came in. That's the question. I
Speaker 1: was tired. I don't know I was. I wouldn't even look.
Speaker 1: I moved a big old boulder by myself. By the way,
Speaker 1: it's pretty good. That was hard. And so I just
Speaker 1: came in. I said, I took a nap. I think
Speaker 1: the point here is that Jesus is gone. I don't
Speaker 1: think we should tell anybody what. Hey, guys, just checking's what.
Speaker 1: He's fine, were good. This is our number one lockdown area.
Speaker 1: And when I see the boulders moved, I'm a little work.
Speaker 1: We were just taking a look around to make sure
Speaker 1: was good. Where's the body? I'm sorry, Oh, where's the body?
Speaker 1: The body of Jesus? Oh that a body that seems weird. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's really weird. What's going on? If you I moved him?
Speaker 1: I moved him. I moved him. Oh okay, yeah, hears me.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm in the right place. I'm
Speaker 1: looking for Jesus's too, you know it, don't panic high
Speaker 1: I'm the site manager, and you know what, We've actually
Speaker 1: just transferred him to a different location, to different locations.
Speaker 1: I was told this was the location, right right, right, welcome,
Speaker 1: Thank you for staying at an airbnb nearby? All right,
Speaker 1: I bet I know the one cute donkey. Yes it's nice.
Speaker 1: It's a little overpriced, but you know that they provide
Speaker 1: breakfast and it's very nice. They don't intrude when you sleep.
Speaker 1: Oh no, they're not in your face anything. It's a
Speaker 1: little pricey, but the mush is delicious, isn't it. You
Speaker 1: have the much I had, the much have the much. Um.
Speaker 1: So we've just transferred the body. Your pilgrimage shouldn't be
Speaker 1: too long, um Steve, here's one of our technicians. Clear,
Speaker 1: I could take you over to Okay, Jessica, Jessica, I
Speaker 1: want one second alone? Jessica? Can I have one second?
Speaker 1: Jessica finished singing. Okay, everybody, I think it's see it's
Speaker 1: going to be a minute. I'm gonna take you over
Speaker 1: to where the place you move a body, the new
Speaker 1: secure location, the new secure location, and the US on purpose. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I mean you could all come if you want. I
Speaker 1: get stuck to do. We're gonna stay here right there.
Speaker 1: What do you What do you do? Bobby Webb, we
Speaker 1: gotta secure this. Yeah no, no, no, no, you don't
Speaker 1: need to scary Martin, there's nothing. Doesn't care anyway. I
Speaker 1: feel like it's still a pretty important spot. Yeah. There's
Speaker 1: gonna be people pilgrimaging in here. Yeah, the next guy,
Speaker 1: the next Jude that comes along. Do you mind if
Speaker 1: I ask, are you guys romans, are you a little
Speaker 1: bit about Okay? We mingle now, okay, yeah, we got
Speaker 1: how about you? You all the way? All the way?
Speaker 1: I am the angel Gabriel. Oh what a game. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna dance for a little bit. Watch my moves, the
Speaker 1: body of hold on, are you feeling this ship? We
Speaker 1: banged this in heaven all the fucking time. What Jessica,
Speaker 1: come here? No Genitalia, so grind on me. But yes,
Speaker 1: between you and I, I don't really, I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't really I don't. I don't. I don't really know where?
Speaker 1: Jeez what? Yeah, they don't. Don't. Don't see anything, don't
Speaker 1: make a scene or anything. The same manager said he
Speaker 1: was moved to another location. Right, let's just take a walk.
Speaker 1: I'm sure we'll run into him. Okay, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: crucify me. So that over there, that's a that's a bush.
Speaker 1: Did your boy men spending a little change on a leaper?
Speaker 1: Here we go, Here we go, cheers. I'm sorry anything
Speaker 1: a little change for a leper? Huh? I spent so
Speaker 1: much money on this Airbnb. I don't have any spare change.
Speaker 1: It's all right. Just give a kiss. Don't do that,
Speaker 1: don't don't, don't don't is that the local customer? I
Speaker 1: don't want to. I don't want to spend anyone, but
Speaker 1: you're gonna lose body. My nose is on your face.
Speaker 1: Oh boy, his nose. You got his nose? I do
Speaker 1: got your nose? He hey, a little bit before you go.
Speaker 1: Did you see Jesus is playing a chance? If you're
Speaker 1: talking about old man dressed in white clown and that
Speaker 1: that old with holes in his hand and his feet
Speaker 1: that part, yeah around he walking? Now maybe if I
Speaker 1: hid a little pool. I remember one second? Here take
Speaker 1: my house. Okay, all right, you just give that left
Speaker 1: for the keys to your house. Your legs. Oh, he'll
Speaker 1: never get there. Now we now take you one year later, Yes,
Speaker 1: one a d Let's return to the same spot. Here
Speaker 1: we are, guys, um, this is what the chore is
Speaker 1: all about. This is where you're going to get the
Speaker 1: bank for your coin. This is the cave. Yes, that
Speaker 1: cage the man himself. Oh, don't touch anything. You can
Speaker 1: draw the joodles you like, but please don't touch the cave.
Speaker 1: Does anyone have any questions? I have a question. Yes,
Speaker 1: you in the road. Where was Jesus when you found
Speaker 1: him in here? Great that we put him in here.
Speaker 1: That's the that's the funny thing where we put him
Speaker 1: in here, so we wear in the cave on the
Speaker 1: big slab. So they never found him. They never did
Speaker 1: find him, but rumor has it that he ascended and
Speaker 1: to he and sit it at the right hand, got
Speaker 1: the father almighty. What's to do with his shroud? Oh?
Speaker 1: That was his shrouded. That was the shroud. That's like
Speaker 1: his faces on that not currently they make these shrouds
Speaker 1: and turns. It's just a blanket, you know, rough cloth
Speaker 1: we shrouded the body with. That's the one though. That's yes,
Speaker 1: that is not a replica. That's the one. Why do
Speaker 1: you look suspicious? Sir? There's other tours around town, but
Speaker 1: I can assure you those are not the real caves.
Speaker 1: This is the cave. That is the shroud. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the real cave, everybody. Now, this is the real caveaictures, pictures,
Speaker 1: go ahead, go ahead. We do work on tips. He
Speaker 1: we do work on tips. Thank you so much. Okay,
Speaker 1: you know what makes such the cave the real one? Okay, alright,
Speaker 1: so first of all, it's authentic. Look at that. Look
Speaker 1: at that. You see that slab over there, the slab,
Speaker 1: you see that shroud, the shroud. That's Jesus just face
Speaker 1: there in the shroud. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It's a
Speaker 1: matter of fact, a lot of things in this neighborhood
Speaker 1: have Jesus's face on it because I spent two gold
Speaker 1: pieces of another cave and his face wasn't on there.
Speaker 1: So which which goal cave? I mean, which cave the
Speaker 1: Larry's Larry's cave. Yeah yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Those guys are just lying to you. I'm telling you
Speaker 1: the truth, God's honest truth. And I could say that
Speaker 1: because Jesus was here. It seems like this big boulders
Speaker 1: made of something. It's it's not heavy at all. We
Speaker 1: did not because people don't know. We didn't. Actually, they
Speaker 1: didn't want to keep Jesus in here. They wanted to
Speaker 1: make it easy for him to get out. I just
Speaker 1: want to be absolutely sure this is the cave is
Speaker 1: I also have I have appointment scheduled that famous race cave,
Speaker 1: famous original Raise cave, original race. Come on, just raise cave.
Speaker 1: This is this is the real one. You're here to
Speaker 1: the real cave. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, everyone gets a
Speaker 1: complimentary schwarma. Alright for the sandals, Jesus faces at all
Speaker 1: these things. You see him on the schwarm he's on
Speaker 1: the sand. You got a fucking rock band behind his
Speaker 1: fucking Jane. That's Jesus and the fuck use baby ha.
Speaker 1: What do point for question? Yeah, gonna get no onions
Speaker 1: on that schwarma. Come on, the pre made man, the
Speaker 1: complimentary right. I mean, we'll do the best we can.
Speaker 1: But you know, hard is batter, not with the garlic paste.
Speaker 1: But you put it right, Yeah, you know, we just
Speaker 1: try it. We don't have a budget. Oh my god, us,
Speaker 1: who are what do you worship? Greek gods could be
Speaker 1: coming peace hand? Oh give me a little pray to
Speaker 1: Poseidon and Zeus on you. Those are Greek gods. Give
Speaker 1: me a kid, everybody, take one. Jesus Christ. Oh, I've
Speaker 1: returned on the one anniversary. That's hilarious. Is that a
Speaker 1: weapon of some kind? Oh? Yes, I want to talk
Speaker 1: to the inhabitants, those that were here one year ago.
Speaker 1: I don't think any of this saw crucifixion of mice,
Speaker 1: which one of you might have helped to put me. Steve, Steve,
Speaker 1: I mean, I was, I was, I was, I was
Speaker 1: in the area. But we all we we all were
Speaker 1: we were in the area, right, We're a big fan.
Speaker 1: I was just a sight man, nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1: It was on my property, but I had nothing to
Speaker 1: do with it. Candice, I don't see you on the list.
Speaker 1: Oh God, is that good? It is? Which one of
Speaker 1: you seen Judy's well? I mean, I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: except for the except for the leapon you hang out,
Speaker 1: you also hang out with Oh yeah, okay, why are
Speaker 1: you gonna bought my spot? That same? What is your name?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry mine Clinton, but I also go by your Rufalis.
Speaker 1: He made it that name for himself, but his name
Speaker 1: is Clint. He said. It's not gonna stick man like
Speaker 1: you're you're breaking yourself up when you say that name. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a it's a family joke. That's Ryan. Would you
Speaker 1: be Roman orould you m m hmm? I see Jesus,
Speaker 1: canna ask you something? Yes, you may the Schwarmer. Is
Speaker 1: it a lamb beef blend or you can I get
Speaker 1: just a lamb Schwarmer? Yes, and we can have it
Speaker 1: to you without thank you, Thank you Jesus. He is
Speaker 1: the one. He probably Schwarmer without onions. Now, each one
Speaker 1: of you can ask one question Okay, you've already you've
Speaker 1: already had yours. Yeah, well one can we pool names?
Speaker 1: That was my question, but we get to hear the
Speaker 1: answer before we ask God. So that was a good one.
Speaker 1: Thank you, clinic. I'm going with this new name. You're
Speaker 1: such a follower. I follow love. I don't have a
Speaker 1: lot of time. Yeah, yeah, I guess Steve. Yeah, we're good.
Speaker 1: Ha we Steve always the jokes to find good for me,
Speaker 1: won't you? Uh you know, yeah, you're not gonna my
Speaker 1: father the Lord. Yeah, we all tight. We're good in
Speaker 1: what sense? You know? Like, I'm gonna you guys are
Speaker 1: gonnavite me over? I hang out with you guys when
Speaker 1: I'm dead and whatnot. That's a great question. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Anyone else please can take a while. Oh mine's kind
Speaker 1: of an easy one. Um, so where do I start?
Speaker 1: He's not wrong? Okay, okay, So just gonna preface this
Speaker 1: with babies go to heaven. What age is the baby
Speaker 1: not a baby? It becomes an adult who is responsible
Speaker 1: for the beliefs Jesus. So the question is what ages?
Speaker 1: What a what age? Is the baby not a baby?
Speaker 1: And you held them accountable for the beliefs? Well a
Speaker 1: baby's taken as he's sweating with Look, this takes time
Speaker 1: to define. I follow up. I know I don't have
Speaker 1: any more questions, but I do have a two year
Speaker 1: old that's so child likes. He seems like a baby,
Speaker 1: but he's bad sometimes. But he's just a baby. He
Speaker 1: seems like baby. Well, I'm just trying. I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to feel it's good. No, no, no, no, you know
Speaker 1: when is a baby an actual being in the mother's womb. No, Steve,
Speaker 1: you're an adult. Are you trying to find it out
Speaker 1: for you? He's infantile, but he's all This is fantastic.
Speaker 1: Lamb is so tender. It's just the right amount of
Speaker 1: taking you on. It's always better without onion. Okay, okay, okay, yeah, um,
Speaker 1: you're just the baby, not a baby. Question. No, what
Speaker 1: was gonna ask that? Goddamn it. You know it's so
Speaker 1: funny you should say that because I brought I brought
Speaker 1: the big Man with me, Oh Clarence Clemens, Ladies and Jews,
Speaker 1: the Lord our father. Oh hello children, Hi, hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: I am the one true God. Do you go by
Speaker 1: a guy in the sky? Your skin so sparkly? Thank you?
Speaker 1: So I'm dazzled, and you have a lady's breasts. I
Speaker 1: have taken a human form because you can understand it,
Speaker 1: and a tail. I threw in a tail of ships
Speaker 1: and giggles. Uh, my son, Jesus is the true Messiah.
Speaker 1: I just want to be sure that you all know them.
Speaker 1: We figured, Yeah, we took us a minute, but yes,
Speaker 1: you've been following false gods for many years. Zeus, yes, Zeus? Uh,
Speaker 1: the Roman equivalent Jupiter, not a h Posidon, the god
Speaker 1: of the sea. Yes. Do you think that's a real guy?
Speaker 1: It's all you, it's all me. So what does Jesus
Speaker 1: do exactly? If that's all you? What's his job? Why
Speaker 1: do you need him? Why do I need him? It
Speaker 1: is I beside. You want to get crazy, Let's get
Speaker 1: just let's dank all our alchemists, youall in no particular order. Vanessa,
Speaker 1: what's up? Oh, I've coughed a lot of mucus into
Speaker 1: theseier tissues. That'll all be on even Dynasty Typewriter. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: we're having so many great shows. Kevin was just here recently.
Speaker 1: The website. People should go Kyna see typewriter dot com.
Speaker 1: Check it out, join the Dynasty. Amazing show truly. We've
Speaker 1: even got a little one of these noodles at the
Speaker 1: table coming soon. That right, which, Joey, what do you got?
Speaker 1: Check out Bear Supply every second and fourth Wednesday at
Speaker 1: nine o'clock at Westside Comedy Theater and Um bring kisses
Speaker 1: fair enough Greig Hail Poseidon, Lord of the Sea, and
Speaker 1: at Craigslist peacast on Twitter to find out about the
Speaker 1: Craigslist podcast fantastic. Not much shows here and there? Sure, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that, thank you. Could you be more general? No? No? Uh?
Speaker 1: Can people find you on the social media? Sure, that's right.
Speaker 1: At Chris Alvarado for pictures of me doing improv video?
Speaker 1: Is there a calendar coming out? It's just translates best
Speaker 1: to still photo. That's right. That's right. Mr James Heeney,
Speaker 1: bring us, bring us home you. If you want to
Speaker 1: see more material starring me, you can go to the
Speaker 1: real James Seney on YouTube or in live in person.
Speaker 1: Second fourth Wednesdays at the west Side Comedy Theater. Supply.
Speaker 1: Nicely done, Raphael, We gotta give you a Mike Doug
Speaker 1: bomb in the booth right to us at your name
Speaker 1: here at Alchemy. This we'd love to hear from you
Speaker 1: right to us as many suggestions as you'd like us
Speaker 1: to perform and mix up. Ah yeah, that's it. That's
Speaker 1: it for this episode. I want to thank all the
Speaker 1: participants and until next time, Alchemy. That's