Speaker 1: Welcome to alchemy this. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes
Speaker 1: that Kevin Pollock. What's that You have a script for
Speaker 1: me to read? I'd love to, but first this. Over
Speaker 1: the years, I've been damn hell lucky to see my
Speaker 1: fair share of true alchemy. By definition, alchemy is when
Speaker 1: a person creates something through a seemingly magical process. And
Speaker 1: my dear ding dongs and ho hoes, Like I said,
Speaker 1: I've been witnessed to the stuff on several occasions. An example,
Speaker 1: you ask sure if you're gonna be a horse's ass.
Speaker 1: Let's see. Uh, here's one. The names math Ou and
Speaker 1: Lemon may sound like the fresh fish of the day
Speaker 1: to you, but every day on the set with those
Speaker 1: two meant studying at the feet of great alchemists. But
Speaker 1: I digress, folks. Not too long ago the idea hit me.
Speaker 1: What if I brought together the right creative people and
Speaker 1: ask them to make shut up based on my own twisted,
Speaker 1: demented ideas that offered it as a podcast of this
Speaker 1: seemingly magical process, And what if I called it alchemy?
Speaker 1: My boy, you don't look a thing like me. Well,
Speaker 1: after months of tinkering, I'm so very proud to welcome you,
Speaker 1: dear friends, to Alchemy this. Let's meet our group of
Speaker 1: alchemists now be in no particular order. Say hello, Mr
Speaker 1: Craig Atkowski. Craig, tell the folks a little about yourself.
Speaker 1: Oh hi, Kevin h fancy running into you here. It's
Speaker 1: really crazy at this Alchemy lab. Boy, my My theater
Speaker 1: just permanently closed its doors this week, so it's good
Speaker 1: to have that next gig lined up already. Thank you
Speaker 1: for sharing. Next up, the unfairly talented Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
Speaker 1: what's the last dream you remember? I actually took a
Speaker 1: little morning nap and uh. The dream was that they
Speaker 1: moved the trash cans at my apartment complex to directly
Speaker 1: in front of my door, and it felt extremely personal. Yes,
Speaker 1: quite the affront. What would a super team like this
Speaker 1: be without Mr Chris Alverado, That's what I asked myself, Chris,
Speaker 1: what's on your mind? Daddy? Hydration? I think hydration is key.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that, and of course, why not include
Speaker 1: the super freak Mr Joey Greer gris Stir What is
Speaker 1: your effinity? You know? I don't know. I'm still trying
Speaker 1: to figure that out. But through a process of meditation
Speaker 1: and high interval training. I think I'm figuring it out. Okay,
Speaker 1: good luck last, But to hell with you if you
Speaker 1: think him last. Mr James Keeney, can I call you
Speaker 1: Jimmy Jack? My name's not Jack, but you can call
Speaker 1: me whatever you want. I just feel lucky to be
Speaker 1: in a room full of such talented people, and you
Speaker 1: certainly should. Okay, let's get to our first scene, shall we.
Speaker 1: Let's just jump in. We take you now to a very,
Speaker 1: very upscale hotel in Denver, Colorado. The hotel concierge has
Speaker 1: the task of juggling phone calls from the gas. I understand,
Speaker 1: I understand. I will get those flowers to you right away.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Hi, concierge. Uh huh h, excuse me,
Speaker 1: excuse me, yes, help you listen. My wife is due
Speaker 1: in seventeen minutes. Wait, seventeen minutes. I can call it. Run.
Speaker 1: She's gonna be here in seventeen minutes. I have a
Speaker 1: very bad gift for my wife. Oh, I can help you.
Speaker 1: I killed my wife's mother. Sir, sir, look at me,
Speaker 1: look at me right in the ice. Okay, I will
Speaker 1: take care of this. This is my job. It is
Speaker 1: my pleasure to serve and to be of service. Give
Speaker 1: me the gun here. I just need something, okay, need me?
Speaker 1: Well here start with this. Here's a cucumber water. Thank
Speaker 1: you a God. There's base with it. Two. That's good,
Speaker 1: that's right. I'm going to take the prints off of
Speaker 1: this gun, and then I'm gonna tell you about a
Speaker 1: wonderful oyster bar. That sounds great, but but the oyster
Speaker 1: bar isn't going to be a gift from my wife.
Speaker 1: She's gonna be here, ring, ring, ring, ring, part of me.
Speaker 1: One second, Hello, concierge, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve.
Speaker 1: Hi Marvin. There's no CBS on the television, Marvin. There is.
Speaker 1: It's just not the normal channel that you're used to
Speaker 1: at your home. CBS is channel two at home, it is.
Speaker 1: But here with our sad, I'm look at a channel
Speaker 1: two now and it's a guide telling me about the
Speaker 1: hotel lobby. That's right, Marvin. So so CBS here, like
Speaker 1: I said to you before, I want to watch in
Speaker 1: c I s understood, and that's on channel two O
Speaker 1: two two O two. Well how do you get there? So?
Speaker 1: Are you having your remote? I can put I. I
Speaker 1: see the button. It says channel. Yes, so if you're
Speaker 1: at two, you can also hit it two hundred times.
Speaker 1: I think that might work. Actually, Marvin, give it a shot. Okay,
Speaker 1: but didn't C. I I like to watch it live.
Speaker 1: It's right. I don't know if it's fully like. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you're watching a live taping of it.
Speaker 1: I'd like to watch n C. I yes, as it's happening. Understood.
Speaker 1: Use me. Oh, I look like an idiot with this
Speaker 1: gun in my hand in front of your desk. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Here, you can give it to me. Marvin.
Speaker 1: This is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve. Okay, sir, what
Speaker 1: kind of gift do you want? Yes, Marvin, I'm listening
Speaker 1: to you. The baby would be fine. You said there's
Speaker 1: babies here. Obviously, this picture of my my wife's dead
Speaker 1: mother is not gonna work. If you want a baby,
Speaker 1: look at me, look at me right in the eyes.
Speaker 1: I'll give me one second. Hello because h hello fighting.
Speaker 1: Let me say my name. I am send me macclvie
Speaker 1: my first time when my new name were in the Honeymoons. Yeah,
Speaker 1: did you hear that? Mr Devin mcleby. This is Devin macleby, mcallby,
Speaker 1: and that is my wife you are talking to. Don't
Speaker 1: try anything funny. We were wondering. You asked, we want
Speaker 1: to know if you have any uh, we want to
Speaker 1: know if you have any any turndown service. If you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? I think, I think I know
Speaker 1: what you mean is anybody can come up here and
Speaker 1: turn it down. You know what I mean? I do not.
Speaker 1: I do not. Well okay, so um in a layman's term,
Speaker 1: Well that's my wife, that's my wife. Okay. We saw
Speaker 1: that you have a big aquarium, so what we would
Speaker 1: love and I didn't see it all the men, you know,
Speaker 1: could you have someone bring us up the heel from
Speaker 1: the from the lobby aquarium. Yeah, we're going to bring
Speaker 1: it right back, bring it back by we well, we
Speaker 1: bring it back before we leave. But if someone goold,
Speaker 1: bring us up. Okay, you too, Listen to me, Listen
Speaker 1: to me. Okay, this is Marvin mckugh in fourteen twelve.
Speaker 1: I'm a guest here at the hotel. I don't know
Speaker 1: who I spoke to earlier. I don't know if it
Speaker 1: was you that I spoke to. You're looking for Channel two.
Speaker 1: I'm having it. I accidentally hit Netflix. I don't want that. Okay,
Speaker 1: you can hit exit, I can. Yeah, you just hit
Speaker 1: exit on the remote. Okay, hit input because Stranger Things
Speaker 1: is on now and I want to watch n C.
Speaker 1: I s understood if you had I want to. I
Speaker 1: want to see Mark Harmon solves murders there in the Navy.
Speaker 1: That's that's yes, that's wonderful. Hit exit on the remote
Speaker 1: and then hit input twenty two times. Okay, I think
Speaker 1: I just checked out of the hotel. My wife is
Speaker 1: gonna be here any minute. I'm standing here with a
Speaker 1: gun in my hand. At what you need? A baby? Yeah?
Speaker 1: How old? I mean as little as possible. So I
Speaker 1: got a baby. You gotta what, Marvin? Just give me
Speaker 1: one se gets served. I have a baby forty eight, babe,
Speaker 1: it's old. It's all yours. I'm right now. I am
Speaker 1: here to serve you. It's some kind of cooking show.
Speaker 1: Give me one second. Hell concierge Hi. Yeah, we were
Speaker 1: on hold for a little bit and then we just
Speaker 1: hung up because no one I was talking to us,
Speaker 1: so we didn't do anything. Yes, you wanted the eel
Speaker 1: Is that correct? Yeah? We want a couple of eels
Speaker 1: you to listen to me. This is Marvin McK in
Speaker 1: Room fourteen twelve. HR. I'm not in right now, but
Speaker 1: if you want to leave a message, please do so
Speaker 1: after the beep. Do you listen to me, Marvin? If
Speaker 1: you call me again with another fucking question about how
Speaker 1: to change the fucking channel. Hello, it's Marvin mcq in
Speaker 1: fourteen twelve. Him, Marman, it's saying that I bought a
Speaker 1: five dollar Snickers. I didn't do that. You did? Congratulations? No,
Speaker 1: I did not enjoy, sir. What you do with this? Baby? Mokay, guys,
Speaker 1: what you do with this? He Marvin? If you don't
Speaker 1: eat that fucking snickers? Hello, concierge, how can I help you?
Speaker 1: I would like to have a nice place to sleep tonight.
Speaker 1: One second? Okay, okay, This is Marvin mqugh in fourteen twelve. Hi, Marvin,
Speaker 1: you have a guest staying with you? Oh good, I
Speaker 1: could use some company. It's ver. What was your name, Marvin?
Speaker 1: M What was your name? Toot? May? Excuse me? May
Speaker 1: to May? Is that Wade? Is that Marvin? We're on
Speaker 1: the party line, little baby dude. Say what you are sir?
Speaker 1: Thank you for waiting. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: A little miracle. Of course, that's what we do. Herencier
Speaker 1: provide miracles. Hi, honey, I'm sorry only Oh my god,
Speaker 1: hold on, let me put this in a bag. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, are you earlier? Is this what time you
Speaker 1: said you'd be here. I'm a little early. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm classic me. I hope you have something really special?
Speaker 1: He does I do. I am the concierge. I'm here
Speaker 1: to tell you what your husband has purchased for you today.
Speaker 1: Your husband's big surprise for you on your birthday is
Speaker 1: he killed your mother in cold blood. I have the
Speaker 1: gun with the prince. I will have those prints printed
Speaker 1: for you. This is this is better than an n
Speaker 1: CIEs episode. You can hang these prints in your feel
Speaker 1: free to print the print. She is dead? Was she
Speaker 1: in a lot of pain? It's always the biggest guest
Speaker 1: star is always the murderer. I can't. I don't know
Speaker 1: what to say. I mean, she did know. It was
Speaker 1: me trying to look at my eyes. Excuse me, that's
Speaker 1: my thing. You want to look in my eyes. It'll
Speaker 1: only happen if we all look into your eyes. Okay,
Speaker 1: so do I initiate her? You can if you look
Speaker 1: at me, I'll started off. Look look into her eyes.
Speaker 1: When I met you, seven just doesn't feel like there
Speaker 1: is God. I knew there was something special about you,
Speaker 1: the way you had secrets and sharp things in all
Speaker 1: your pockets. And then we got married and for a
Speaker 1: while everything was horrible and wonderful. And today you've given
Speaker 1: me the greatest gift you could ever give me if
Speaker 1: you took her off the face of this planet. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Happy birthday to me. Hey what's in
Speaker 1: that bag? It was a baby? Yeah, yeah, I'm calling
Speaker 1: it because there seemed to be a problem with some
Speaker 1: of the lights and the Let me take you now
Speaker 1: to a hideout. In this hide is the leader of
Speaker 1: a British gang of thieves. He's about to explain their
Speaker 1: next heights, which is the home vault of a notorious
Speaker 1: mom bas Alright, you lock Clark, calm down, calm down down.
Speaker 1: I think you should do something to sort of class
Speaker 1: up that. It's not very nice here is it. It's
Speaker 1: all very nice. It's not very nice. There's no decoration,
Speaker 1: so it's just in the loom. There's no candles. All right, Well,
Speaker 1: this is my mom's place. Rebecca all right, you insult
Speaker 1: me mom again, I'll fucking knock your teeth. Come on,
Speaker 1: I asked my lady. You're doing that my mom on
Speaker 1: it's oh, come on, don't do that. Don't do that
Speaker 1: to my lady. All right, all right, thank you bloody professionals. Alright,
Speaker 1: what's the job man? You said? You said you've got
Speaker 1: a lott of bangers that day around, right, so we're
Speaker 1: gonna make a big smashing with it. Every one of
Speaker 1: you has a specialty, right, yeah, yeah, I do nails.
Speaker 1: Fucking hell, Rebecca, you did the best nails I've ever
Speaker 1: seen this city. If your mom wants to get some
Speaker 1: free nails here, Rebecca, all right, So we're going to
Speaker 1: take advantage of that. We're going to set up a
Speaker 1: fake nail salon, only do real nails, all right. It's
Speaker 1: gonna look like a real nail salon, a real manny
Speaker 1: petty place. Don't touch feat because they make me vomit.
Speaker 1: All right, it's a real manny place. It's a manny place,
Speaker 1: does not life feat alright. Alright, So we're gonna have
Speaker 1: this up and running for like three weeks. All right,
Speaker 1: get it, get a client telling, make it legitimate. We're
Speaker 1: gonna pay taxes. All right, Wait, what's going on, mate?
Speaker 1: We're starting a business but robbing. We are robbing someone
Speaker 1: when bloody thieves. All right, all right, all right, But
Speaker 1: in order to get the caper started, we've got to
Speaker 1: open a many salon. Right, we should keep on the water,
Speaker 1: we should do um. We put it in a really
Speaker 1: good location. Um, I'd like to have like fancy ladies come.
Speaker 1: All right. Well, oh, last time, look at where you'reing
Speaker 1: from now. Last time I started a business, it thrived.
Speaker 1: It was a small tech company. We were using it
Speaker 1: as a front, but it ended up doing very very well.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, look, Mr Velvet, we we appreciate your expertise.
Speaker 1: We appreciate you've been in the business for a while.
Speaker 1: Two years. Yeah, it's not as long as I was thinking,
Speaker 1: but that's a decent amount of time. You're you're easily
Speaker 1: the most well dressed member of the crew. Excuse you,
Speaker 1: if you are we going to have a website, I
Speaker 1: haven't thought about that. You've gotta make a website forget there?
Speaker 1: All right. Well, that's why I brought in the new guy,
Speaker 1: who's a web master. I've already set up something and
Speaker 1: called Daddy if you guys want to take a look,
Speaker 1: just take a look. Because it's mobile friendly, so it
Speaker 1: should be formatteded mobile device. What's the website. It's www.
Speaker 1: Snasy fingers com. Good Night. That's the name of our gang.
Speaker 1: That's what I thought. What the point was, it's we're
Speaker 1: starting a business as a front. Yeah, but there's no
Speaker 1: reasonings that, there's no reason not to optimize our search engines.
Speaker 1: And we say, this is why I keep Mr Velvet
Speaker 1: around for this, this veteran expertise. Don't put the name
Speaker 1: of your gang in the name of your website. Don't
Speaker 1: do it in the U R L. Mate, don't do
Speaker 1: it in the R at least would have been nice
Speaker 1: before I pay. I bought this for five years. So
Speaker 1: now we've got What am I gonna do with this
Speaker 1: web doing it is very lucky though, that it's about
Speaker 1: nails fingers. I mean, it's very lucky, really. So maybe
Speaker 1: you could just change the name of the gang and
Speaker 1: we could keep the website. We're not changing the name
Speaker 1: of the game. That's my lady. That's my lady. That's
Speaker 1: it's more very good name for a nail place. So
Speaker 1: I've got a snazzy fingers. Roger can't talk to you
Speaker 1: for a moment. Sure, let's go to the loop. Step
Speaker 1: into the loop. We don't have to go to the loop.
Speaker 1: While we're in the loop. I don't mind if you
Speaker 1: do all right? Do you? If no, go in all right?
Speaker 1: I gotta go number two. So known that ahead of time.
Speaker 1: What a bloody ol do we? What bloody ol do
Speaker 1: you we? Whatever Beck is making just put a whole
Speaker 1: bay of little stuff to get and it's all just
Speaker 1: meets pieces corn pieces is alright, alright, you should have something.
Speaker 1: It's fantastic, is it not? A little greens? And I
Speaker 1: talked to you for a second. Absolutely, I had a
Speaker 1: girlfriend once. Congratulations, No, she broke my fucking heart. Oh sorry,
Speaker 1: I've learned to stay away from women. Well that's too bad.
Speaker 1: We're very fun. I disagree. What are you doing to me,
Speaker 1: Mr velvet? I'm letting you know. You know, as soon
Speaker 1: as my boyfriend's done taking this ship, he'll be back.
Speaker 1: I will kill your fucking boyfriend. You understand. Anytime you
Speaker 1: pissed me, anytime you pissed me off, I'm going to
Speaker 1: take it out on him. That's not nice. But look,
Speaker 1: it's just every time you say something means to Rebecca,
Speaker 1: you know what I means, Like you're creating a fissure
Speaker 1: in all relationships. I'm creating a fissure. I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to be the leader of this bloody gang. Mate. I
Speaker 1: respect that, mate, I respect that Mrs Being weird, Babe,
Speaker 1: that Mr Velvets being weird. Just sit there and it's
Speaker 1: all right. Now. Do I have the tape in www?
Speaker 1: Or is it a quicker way to get to it? Honestly,
Speaker 1: I've pretty much optimized the search engine. If you put
Speaker 1: your own name in, it will be the top five
Speaker 1: on Google, my own Mr Velvet, any one of our names. No,
Speaker 1: you need to remove from my website immediately. We're fucking
Speaker 1: gang members. That's what I'm saying. We've got a professional website.
Speaker 1: But it's just like, I know, it's your mom's place.
Speaker 1: I love your mom, been there for me from the
Speaker 1: very beginning, you know what I mean. Practically brothers exactly. Mate.
Speaker 1: It's like you tacking our sister who I'm sleeping with,
Speaker 1: and it's like, Mate, that's blad mate. You know what
Speaker 1: I mean, She's pretty much your sister. She's my sister. Mate.
Speaker 1: I love you, mate, I love you. Let's bring it in.
Speaker 1: Don't lift me up, don't lift me up. Don't lift
Speaker 1: me up, mate. Oh look, I thought it might put
Speaker 1: me put me back down, paying all right? Oh lord?
Speaker 1: Oh so I have my own my own page and whatnot.
Speaker 1: You can put anything you want for your biography. And
Speaker 1: that's your picture. It's the best one I could find.
Speaker 1: I've happily replaced it if you like. That's no, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's yeah. That's a pretty good picture, mate. It looks good.
Speaker 1: That's my knee. That's my knee the picture. No, no,
Speaker 1: your hand is on my knee. That's my don't get
Speaker 1: the wrong idea. What I what idea went? All right?
Speaker 1: I can't out but over airing from the loop. But
Speaker 1: you've got bios and pictures of us on the website.
Speaker 1: It's no good nail menu. Alright, let's get a bloody
Speaker 1: nail menu. Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't know a
Speaker 1: lot about nails, but I wouldn't trust somebody to make
Speaker 1: my fingers look good if I didn't know where that
Speaker 1: coming from. Rebecca nosed a shot on about mail about
Speaker 1: nails whatever, whatever, whatever. We've both got a different ship.
Speaker 1: Mr Velvet whild that what was that? Mr Velvet came
Speaker 1: out and now we're from you? Were you about to
Speaker 1: stow free style on Mr Velvet? Just a bit of
Speaker 1: a beat of oh if I must, and then I must.
Speaker 1: It's the Mr Velvett on the fucking Mike. I'm here
Speaker 1: to get down and commit crimes tonight. I'm with my
Speaker 1: four mates. Can't you see fine us at w W?
Speaker 1: What's about me? Okay, it's four of it in one
Speaker 1: of me. Anytime she bugs me, I'm going to fuck
Speaker 1: you want my professionals? Yeah, I'm a might you broke
Speaker 1: my laptop? We'll take you now to a small bar
Speaker 1: in the Bronx frequented by the local police. Tonight there's
Speaker 1: a memorial service, so one of the brothers, I'd like
Speaker 1: to just start off by saying that Jerry was one
Speaker 1: hell of a good officer. Jerry was good. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's not much better that the Black and Room could
Speaker 1: ask than a Jerry underneath it. But behind every Jerry
Speaker 1: is it? Denise. You're here, and Denise is gonna tell
Speaker 1: us a little bit. We we might not know everything
Speaker 1: about Jerry. He was a great condamn partner. But Denise
Speaker 1: lived with Jerry Denise right with Jerry. Hello, Hello, Horrible
Speaker 1: to be here under such circumstances. Horrible to eat that
Speaker 1: ship food. Here's I don't want to fucking clean up.
Speaker 1: I wipe it on my sleeve. Um. So I guess
Speaker 1: I should say thank you all you fuckheads like my
Speaker 1: life in like fifteen different ways. Okay, we know you
Speaker 1: don't mean it, Denise, I don't mean it. Is not
Speaker 1: grief talking. This is de niece talking. Okay, Okay, Jerry,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Jerry. That was grief. That was grief talking, Jerry.
Speaker 1: Jerry did more than die because you know what, Okay,
Speaker 1: Jerry was an officer. Oh good, give it up for
Speaker 1: you guys. Oh, thank you for protecting us. I know everything. Okay,
Speaker 1: here I am and no I have not been drinking,
Speaker 1: Yes I have. I don't care, okay, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: Look at you, Look at you. You're sucking animals, all
Speaker 1: of your animals. Okay. And you're so sad. Oh, you're
Speaker 1: so sad. You know what. I'm sad. I'm sad for
Speaker 1: like twenty two reasons right now. Only one of them
Speaker 1: is Jerry. There's twenty one other reasons that you guys
Speaker 1: don't even know about. Okay, no, listen, I know we
Speaker 1: protected service what you guys say, but you don't even
Speaker 1: do that. You don't even do that at all. No,
Speaker 1: you don't. I protect and or serve every day. Oh
Speaker 1: do you tell me all about that damon one or
Speaker 1: the other at least? Yeah, I think none of the other.
Speaker 1: I know what you all do. You gossip like little girls. Okay, no,
Speaker 1: I see the emails, emails, well, like little girls. It's
Speaker 1: Tony Marciano. First of all, what kind of hair is that?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? You go? Okay, Jerry was
Speaker 1: using my computer to read your damn emails? And are
Speaker 1: your email friends? Say, up all fucking night gossiping with
Speaker 1: you guys. You can't read it. If it says dock
Speaker 1: of you can go dock of yourself. Right now, we go,
Speaker 1: go dock of yourself. Okay. I've been a wife. I've
Speaker 1: been a wife in this situation for years, and all
Speaker 1: of us, all the wives, we're getting together. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right, always right, because you know we know everything.
Speaker 1: We've been reading you shitty little emails. We know that
Speaker 1: you keep stuff that you're not supposed to be keeping. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't put that in the emails. Guy, mostly just
Speaker 1: send a lot of gifts back and forth. Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: roll pranking each other. The gun pranks are not funny, guys.
Speaker 1: It's funny you put a hollow bullet and it doesn't work,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? That's funny when you need
Speaker 1: to use it. Those hollow mollets are actually sometimes worse.
Speaker 1: If that's the side point. Actually, she shouldn't be reading
Speaker 1: the email period. You come up here, You come up
Speaker 1: here and you look at my eyes and tell me
Speaker 1: not to read the emails. Okay, because you know what,
Speaker 1: I've been doing a lot of stuff for you guys,
Speaker 1: right right? Who brings the donuts? Okay, Cherry, Jerry brings
Speaker 1: two dozen donuts. Do you think Jerry got the doughnuts donuts?
Speaker 1: You guys are animals. Okay, I still mean you stop
Speaker 1: telling me, Damon. If Damien fucking tells me one more time,
Speaker 1: I don't mean especially you, Damon. Especially you know what
Speaker 1: you did. I know what you did with Jerry. They
Speaker 1: made out at the Christmas party. I don't even about
Speaker 1: that guy show time. Well it's the Christmas party, you
Speaker 1: know is somebody places husband? Okay, he would talk about
Speaker 1: you in his sleep damon, how do you think that feels.
Speaker 1: I've been waiting all day to Jerry come home. I
Speaker 1: try to look nice, Scarra when nice sleep. They were
Speaker 1: partners for twelve years kissing. They should not be kissing. Jingle, Hey, damon,
Speaker 1: Merry Christmas. Don't care. I'm okay, I'm okay. In the
Speaker 1: cup game. Well, what was that, missletoe? Oh? I guess
Speaker 1: it is? Yeah, get away from me. No, you get
Speaker 1: away from me. But I guess, you know, I guess missiletoe.
Speaker 1: So I guess we'll obligating. Yeah, I mean, I'm believe
Speaker 1: in Jesus Christ. You know. Well, I guess we gotta
Speaker 1: kiss a little bit. That's a real slurping one. Actually,
Speaker 1: I mean like in a funny way, that kind good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're if we're doing jokes and whatnot. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, let's keep the bit going, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, follow the funny, that's what they fo. You
Speaker 1: gotta heighten it a little bit, yeah, you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: maybe bring it back lady. So whatever you guys said
Speaker 1: at that party and then you started taking more improv classes,
Speaker 1: all of you fuckheads are supposed to be protecting and
Speaker 1: serving and yet I'm going to your shows at eleven.
Speaker 1: We can get fifteen dollars and happen to buy two beers.
Speaker 1: I gotta kid, I paid for a babysitter to go
Speaker 1: to your shows. Were all kissing. It was a great improviser. Okay,
Speaker 1: Jim was, but Jerry was. Okay, who was good? Jerry was?
Speaker 1: All right? You take that back. It was all right.
Speaker 1: I thought Jerry was great. Damon's getting off feisty over
Speaker 1: this some something right now about Copro? What is it? Bobby?
Speaker 1: All right, two guys get on the stage, whether then
Speaker 1: they want to connect with each Other's hard to do
Speaker 1: every day. We're depend on the pavement. We've got tools
Speaker 1: on the belt. I'm sorry, Bobby, but I recall a
Speaker 1: scene with you and the sage that changed my life.
Speaker 1: I did. I remember that. I thought it was a
Speaker 1: big deal. It was such a great scene. Man, I
Speaker 1: was bullshit, dude, wasn't bullshit. It was a great scene.
Speaker 1: I remember that scene. That was good. You guys have
Speaker 1: some good moments. I'm not negating that. But I'm here
Speaker 1: as a widow. Remember was that night that Kevin Pollock
Speaker 1: was in the audience, shouted out a suggestion and you guys,
Speaker 1: improvised up suggestions day and gentlemen, welcome to the can
Speaker 1: Can Club. We got some really hot teams for you.
Speaker 1: We got all that in the bag of chips. We
Speaker 1: got made up on the spot, and now we have
Speaker 1: some cop prob anybody, everybody in the audience. Can we
Speaker 1: get a suggestion? How about from you, sir? Yeah? How
Speaker 1: about one of you guys, Hie, One of those is
Speaker 1: my husband, Kevin Pollocks on. My tips are terrific. The second, honey,
Speaker 1: could one of you be like a therapist in a
Speaker 1: prison and the other ones in inmate. I know that's
Speaker 1: tough for cops to think, but something like that. Alright, alright, alright,
Speaker 1: I'll I'll be a therapist. Hold on, we like to
Speaker 1: talk this out really quick before we start. Just I'll
Speaker 1: be a way stuff. Okay, you said I was a prisoner, right, yeah, alright, murder,
Speaker 1: All right, here we go. I'm gonna play a chair.
Speaker 1: Oh that works, damon? Yeah. So you know I did it,
Speaker 1: and uh I regret it. M You know, I made
Speaker 1: a I made a gut move I thought was I
Speaker 1: thought I was defending something that wasn't even mine. You know,
Speaker 1: I realized that now and Uh. Every day I wake
Speaker 1: up and I feel the soul that I took. That's hilarious.
Speaker 1: Oh do you feel good about it? No? I just said,
Speaker 1: what's this? What's this behind your ear? As a cat?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you can't have a cat in prison.
Speaker 1: And um, I want to go to sleep. I see,
Speaker 1: I see the wounds and they get bigger. And when
Speaker 1: I go inside the wounds, I see myself, when I
Speaker 1: see my family, and I see what could have been
Speaker 1: the damage I did. Oh my god. He left right
Speaker 1: after that. All right, So I don't know how good
Speaker 1: that was. You know what I'm saying. It was a
Speaker 1: fantastic scene whatever, whatever, whatever, equal amounts moving and I'm
Speaker 1: grieving here and you know you don't mean it to God.
Speaker 1: I got guns too, okay. Oh, I got the emails. Honey.
Speaker 1: I know who else has been kissing. You've all been kissing.
Speaker 1: You guys lock each other in the cells and you
Speaker 1: take turns of the emails. Everybody's kissing at night from
Speaker 1: the weird No, it's not weird. Okay. We're trying to
Speaker 1: get into the minds of the of the criminals kissing
Speaker 1: criminals kissing criminals, and our inprov teacher says, we've got
Speaker 1: to be more empathetic. So, but the niece, I think
Speaker 1: we all know why it is. You're getting all loud
Speaker 1: this need this evening. Well, my husband's dead. Love to
Speaker 1: stay that, it's none of that. What is it that,
Speaker 1: Mr genius? You want to do this right now? I
Speaker 1: think I do. Okay, bring it on. I know this,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I know. Okay, yeah, hand it up.
Speaker 1: Everybody looking at me. Yeah, we only got thirty more minutes.
Speaker 1: Can I have another drink? Please? At the lights? Please?
Speaker 1: I want I want to there in service. Yes, I
Speaker 1: want a wine. Okay, we'll pink pink wine. You want
Speaker 1: red and white? Jesus Christ. Want me to bring up
Speaker 1: like a special or yeah yeah, yeah, yeah special Denise.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask every man in this room to raise
Speaker 1: that hand if they've made love to you, and we're
Speaker 1: gonna see what's gonna happen on the count of three. One.
Speaker 1: I'm interested too, three Jesus Christ, everyone here, holy ship
Speaker 1: at all fairness. It's just if you sleep with Summer,
Speaker 1: you've slept with everybody they've slept with, and I slept
Speaker 1: with Jerry, so that the same thing I was going
Speaker 1: to say I did not sleep with a sage and
Speaker 1: I was. I'm just saying I slept with everyone. Jerry
Speaker 1: slept with curiously through Jerry. Are we raising the hands?
Speaker 1: If we stop with Jerry, let's do let's do that.
Speaker 1: Let's do it one through a ready. Wait, wait, I
Speaker 1: want that music and let me get that let me
Speaker 1: get that special back. Thank you? All right, everybody, on
Speaker 1: the count of three, raise your hand if you slept
Speaker 1: with Jerry. I hold on, I haven't said everybody raised
Speaker 1: her head. Everybody you don't know I did it like
Speaker 1: a million times. Well you were his wife? Yeah, sorry,
Speaker 1: I'll wait for three. No, it's okay. The experiments over.
Speaker 1: The point is you're mad somehow. You're mad at us
Speaker 1: because maybe you love all of us. Maybe it didn't
Speaker 1: love Jerry. Maybe you are part of the reason why
Speaker 1: his death was so suspicious. I don't know. It was
Speaker 1: nothing suspicious. He died in the line of duty because
Speaker 1: people out of here suspicious. We got the room. Hold
Speaker 1: where we want. Hold on. That's Kevin polla come in,
Speaker 1: Kevin Poll can come in? Can you sign my Willow poster?
Speaker 1: You remember me? Hi? Hi? You sign the Kingking my husband.
Speaker 1: Jerry's dead. You came to our cup prop and made
Speaker 1: my agent for dinner. Well, we were in a kind
Speaker 1: of a heated moment. I didn't mean interrupt. Oh. We
Speaker 1: take you now to a high rise of office building
Speaker 1: in downtown Los Angeles for the reading of the will.
Speaker 1: M alright, gather rounds everyone. Uh, okay, I'm not sure
Speaker 1: why I printed out copies of the will for everyone. Um,
Speaker 1: what page are we starting on? We're gonna start on one.
Speaker 1: We tried to save paper by doing front and back,
Speaker 1: so we went double sided. But only half of them
Speaker 1: are broken back. That's fine, I'll figure it out. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start with with page one of the will
Speaker 1: once again, my okay, I have it. I have it.
Speaker 1: Please stop stop shuffling the papers trying to find which
Speaker 1: is page one? Okay, it's got a big one on
Speaker 1: the front. It is quite a lengthy will with a
Speaker 1: lot of complicated coddessils. It's a fancy lawyer word. I
Speaker 1: don't know that word. It's uh, you know, a coddessil. No,
Speaker 1: I don't, Just like, how do I break it down?
Speaker 1: Just a simple way? Can you use a coddessil in
Speaker 1: a sentence? He just did and we didn't understand well
Speaker 1: he was using the word coddessil. Guys, please, Ari, I
Speaker 1: just want to say that our dad loved you very
Speaker 1: much and we're very happy that it's you who's doing
Speaker 1: He's not going to give you anything more rounding it.
Speaker 1: I hate you all as you all know. You're your
Speaker 1: father and husband's finances were very complicated. Ah. He had
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of pots cooking and a
Speaker 1: lot of different places. Um. So we're going to begin
Speaker 1: with are those the caddessils. I'm going to get to
Speaker 1: the coddessils. Gonna start with the with the provisions, and
Speaker 1: then we're gonna move on to the consessils. Okay, Provision
Speaker 1: number one. Page here we go, Page one, the bulk
Speaker 1: of of my home, your home. This is it's written. Well,
Speaker 1: then read it in his voice. That's a good point. Okay,
Speaker 1: confusing to hear two. I agree, I do do what
Speaker 1: pretty good? Jeremiah, da Dad? Is that you? That was
Speaker 1: so weird? That was still me? Still? Um, but it
Speaker 1: gets a little lower lower, red, little puff, little gruff.
Speaker 1: You're not going to get more teach you. Okay, this
Speaker 1: is me Ari doing a Jeremiah voice, very very good
Speaker 1: provision number one. Really, thank you, thank you? Do you
Speaker 1: do any other impersonations or I do? Uh Morgan Freeman,
Speaker 1: can we do you mind if well still read the okay,
Speaker 1: thank you? Okay. The Bulk of my Home. I mean
Speaker 1: it's okay, that's alright, I'm working, Okay, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: back to the Jeremiah, what do you have any others?
Speaker 1: Or can you just get to it? Um, you're not
Speaker 1: going to get more. You're not gonna get they're baiting
Speaker 1: each other. The Bulk of my Home, Ramsey Manner. We'll
Speaker 1: go to my lawyer. What the what the fuck? Hold
Speaker 1: the phone? Stop disagree, I'm sorry. Stop you're on page one.
Speaker 1: Stop stop no, no, no, no. It should be not
Speaker 1: given Tory. It just says the bulk. It said that
Speaker 1: it's going to be divided up further. But yes, excuse
Speaker 1: me if I'm wrong. Bulk means big, that's big of
Speaker 1: it goes to Ari define book big. I think it's
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's a direct synonym. I mean
Speaker 1: it's the big, the largest part, the big of it.
Speaker 1: It's going to Ari. This is strange. Did you know
Speaker 1: this is gonna happen? I'm just I'm reading this in
Speaker 1: the moment as you guys are. I didn't want a daughter,
Speaker 1: but this hurts. He definitely didn't. I'm not surprised. It
Speaker 1: doesn't even it doesn't even sting that party. You were
Speaker 1: the big of his problems. You're the big. Keep reading. Oh,
Speaker 1: moving on to the cutestile, kindly fine other sections of
Speaker 1: Ramsey Manner. Are we still on page one? I'll let you,
Speaker 1: I will say, flip when we go to page two.
Speaker 1: Other sections of Ramsey Manner, Flip. Get those people out
Speaker 1: of here. They're part of the family. They can be here.
Speaker 1: You're not going to get more. You're not going to
Speaker 1: get more other sections of Ramsey man Back on page one.
Speaker 1: Just back on one, back on one second, back on one.
Speaker 1: Other sections. So we didn't flip. Other sections of Ramsey Manner. Flip.
Speaker 1: I'm on page three, Okaya, flip your page. When I
Speaker 1: say flipped, it's on the same page on the other side.
Speaker 1: Other sections of Ramsey man What are we doing with
Speaker 1: the cats? Are the cats gonna get tiv up about
Speaker 1: the cats? I don't know what does cottessial mean? True
Speaker 1: or false? We'll be divided equally among my issue? What's
Speaker 1: his issue? What is your deal besides not wanting your daughter?
Speaker 1: What was his issue? Okay, what's up, Elijah? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: just want to Can I say something on the record?
Speaker 1: Are can you put this on the record? Okay, this
Speaker 1: is all being recorded, by the way, we all hate Elijah.
Speaker 1: I'm an architect and I'm very successful. So they're mad
Speaker 1: he designed a seven eleven and guess what it looks
Speaker 1: like the rest of the seven elevens. That's at the point.
Speaker 1: Hard to do that? How hard it is to do that.
Speaker 1: You're like one of those people that see modern are
Speaker 1: and say I can do that. Yeah, that's what you are.
Speaker 1: You're a person that was never loved. I don't know
Speaker 1: a lot about architecture, but that that's a good gig.
Speaker 1: Seven seven eleven account, Thank you. Ari. Ari knows business.
Speaker 1: It's more like a construction thing than architecture. You know,
Speaker 1: they draw it first. You just copied what you've what
Speaker 1: they all are. It's hard to do when I say issue. No,
Speaker 1: this is ari as Jeremiah. When I say issue, I
Speaker 1: mean my children. It's a fancy legally's way of seeing children.
Speaker 1: And now we take it to the last Easter dinner
Speaker 1: that they all celebrated together. That have these mash potatoes
Speaker 1: I made? Alright, alright, don't worry. I'll eat everyone's potatoes.
Speaker 1: Did you notice I've been getting more masculine. Yeah, I have.
Speaker 1: I've been happy with that. The hot dogs here? He
Speaker 1: can't you put work aside? Elijah for once? So proud
Speaker 1: of this? Of course, of course? And do you have
Speaker 1: any suggestions? Where's the slurping machine? Oh? You know where
Speaker 1: that is? Back left? You know, I've been creating teeth
Speaker 1: for kids born without teeth, um, and they're coming along,
Speaker 1: awesome teeth. For keeping creating teeth for kids born without teeth. Well, Dad,
Speaker 1: you said you wanted a son that was productive, and
Speaker 1: I'm doing the best I can. I've noticed a lot
Speaker 1: of kids were born without teeth, and I have a
Speaker 1: three and some born without teeth. But then the teeth
Speaker 1: grow in when well as they as they age. You
Speaker 1: don't you don't need fake teeth. Let them be baby failure. Guys,
Speaker 1: can we just say a quick grace before we eat? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: Elijah do I'll do it. M M. Dear God, dear God,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for today, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for tonight, Thank you so much for the cats that
Speaker 1: I have in stable. Ben, she stopped. I don't have
Speaker 1: a prayer. Do not stop in the middle of a prayer.
Speaker 1: God listening. I want to say thank you to Dad,
Speaker 1: thank you Benjie for always being there when I didn't
Speaker 1: know where the light was. It's usually in the semi eleven.
Speaker 1: It's like it's the whole. It's where they all are.
Speaker 1: And I just want to say thank you Elijah and
Speaker 1: what and Margot Jesus Christ. I'm glad you said it
Speaker 1: because I was blank, right, you forget Margot um whatever.
Speaker 1: That's not a prayer. And Tyler m hm always being
Speaker 1: there for when we needed it, but never being there
Speaker 1: when we didn't know. Dad again, I just want to say,
Speaker 1: I know it's in the stars. We're gonna have a
Speaker 1: hundred more Easters together. That's impossible for you, but for
Speaker 1: me and Dad it's possible. I hate you. I hate
Speaker 1: You're not going to get more of the mashed potatoes.
Speaker 1: What do you mean You're not going to give me them?
Speaker 1: Back to the reading of the will, We're on page
Speaker 1: four CODSSIL number twenty flips. I still don't get it.
Speaker 1: The cats. Finally, the cats will be donated to a shelter.
Speaker 1: That's good. That's good. Okay, here we go. Here's the show.
Speaker 1: Because spang and now to ring your pants is something
Speaker 1: that very human being needs to do. I'm working on it.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, Benji. Tell us how we're all terrible people,
Speaker 1: terrible people. Tell us how you love the cats. Tell
Speaker 1: us how you loved dad. Tell me how I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna get anything in your babies. Don't need tea. Don't
Speaker 1: tell yourself that you're the best. I am the best.
Speaker 1: And tell Ari that you love him. Tell Ari that
Speaker 1: you love him, Tell Ari that you love him. Ari,
Speaker 1: I'm listening. I am. I can't say you love me,
Speaker 1: can't you? Dad? Yeah, it's me. It's your dad, Daddy, Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Speaker 1: I'm still and I know of the youth voterers would
Speaker 1: be all over my fortune. That's right, Ari, to the
Speaker 1: one who's dead. We hope you've enjoyed alchemy. This right
Speaker 1: to us. If you dare. With your comments, as well
Speaker 1: as suggestions for possible scenarios for group, be as specific
Speaker 1: as possible with characters and setting, let your mind expand
Speaker 1: and share. I want to thank today's participants the alchemy.
Speaker 1: This players just called him that just now also right
Speaker 1: to us with your suggestions of what they would be called.
Speaker 1: Do so at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Speaker 1: That part is not a joke. That's the name of
Speaker 1: the email. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Speaker 1: All right, let's go around and say thanks Chris Alvarado,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, Thank you for having me. That
Speaker 1: was so much fun, super groovy. Anything you'd like to
Speaker 1: share with the fine folks, and you know already you
Speaker 1: can always find me at at Joey Greer anything that's
Speaker 1: all social media platforms at Joey Greer, at you or anything.
Speaker 1: Craig Atkowski, thank you so much, so excited to be
Speaker 1: an a t P. Yeah, I like it at Kikowski
Speaker 1: on Twitter, drunk History on Comedy Central. Nicely done, Greer stir.
Speaker 1: I just want to say, you know, we came in
Speaker 1: here with a with a plan, and sometimes sometimes it happen,
Speaker 1: sometimes it doesn't. And the thing that if there's one
Speaker 1: thing that we can always have, you know, check me
Speaker 1: out at Chris Alvarado at Chris Alvarado and just hit
Speaker 1: me up on Thank you folks, Please a be seated
Speaker 1: until the end. James Heney, what do you got for too.
Speaker 1: Great times. Great times. If you get the opportunity to
Speaker 1: check out the real James Heney on YouTube, there you go.
Speaker 1: Love to habit. But as to tell us about that
Speaker 1: damn theater, honey, I'd love to located in the heart
Speaker 1: of some part of Los Angeles that I'm still not
Speaker 1: quite sure aware. You can find Dynasty Typewriter at the
Speaker 1: Hayworth to eleven will Share. The website is Dynasty Typewriter
Speaker 1: dot com. It's a beautiful Art Deco theater built a
Speaker 1: ninety six and now filled with all the modern amenities
Speaker 1: you could want, including a popcorn and yeah, two fog machines,
Speaker 1: one piano, limitless possibilities, love it and hunted for those
Speaker 1: of you really that sort of thing. All right? You
Speaker 1: want to thank Raphael? Uh, yeah, dog, I'll get the
Speaker 1: pronunciation of his last name, which I probably should have
Speaker 1: done before we got in here so I could thank
Speaker 1: him properly. But thank you so much our engineered for
Speaker 1: today boom? Should we go with bom? Not even close?
Speaker 1: All right? Good to know again? Right to us at
Speaker 1: your name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Kevin and polic Until next time,