Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Oh gosh,
Speaker 1: thank you? I don't ever really. I mean, I guess
Speaker 1: I look younger than my years because I sleep every
Speaker 1: night with my face covered in the finest hummus. But
Speaker 1: I digress. Let's meet our chamis Is. Shall we? In
Speaker 1: no particular order? Please say hello to Mark Gagliardi. Hello,
Speaker 1: Parky Marcus. What is your favorite Bond film? And why? Uh?
Speaker 1: My favorite Bond film is Golden Ie because of the
Speaker 1: video game. Appreciate the honesty. Uh, powder your nose? It's
Speaker 1: such your pass on stunt and powder your nose? Why
Speaker 1: would I write both? It's James Heney, please, Marie Heaney. Uh.
Speaker 1: When do you realize? When did you really? I'm literally
Speaker 1: unable to read my own writing? When do you realize
Speaker 1: that you were not like the other? Uh? Well, I
Speaker 1: guess it was Uh well, it wasn't me that realized
Speaker 1: at first. It was all the others that filled me
Speaker 1: in on it. Graceful. They let me know kind of
Speaker 1: one by one, and then as a group. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? It makes a lot of sense, which is
Speaker 1: why I try to gear my questions to you for
Speaker 1: not a silly answer, but that's sort of insight into
Speaker 1: your life. Yeah, I appreciate that way too much. Next up,
Speaker 1: it's first timer Alchemists. Uh please give a how how
Speaker 1: did Jen Murray all the way from La Trompe p a? Jen?
Speaker 1: No relation to Bill Murray? What does the following mean
Speaker 1: to you? Come along, come along to the Royal Huggin song. Oh,
Speaker 1: that was my summer job. I used to work on
Speaker 1: the trolley at Idlewild Park, shout out and that was
Speaker 1: the big line. That was the big line that got
Speaker 1: a lot of attendant. Come along, Come along to the
Speaker 1: Royal Huggin song on Mr Rogers trolley? Right on Mr
Speaker 1: Rogers trolley? Right Yeah? Who was from litt Roe, Pennsylvania?
Speaker 1: And there we have it? Relation, Thank you, thank you,
Speaker 1: tumble off the car. It's Col Stratton, Coleman Lanern. Isn't
Speaker 1: true you one shot a man and Reno for saying
Speaker 1: Joey Greer's a funny fellow. That's true. Anybody says Joey's funny.
Speaker 1: I've got a huge body count. And last, but man,
Speaker 1: you only shower with twelve agory man if you think
Speaker 1: him least say sup Fuckers to Joey s Fucker's Google
Speaker 1: a friend and greer. Why all the eyeshadow this morning?
Speaker 1: I'm going through a phase. I didn't go to an
Speaker 1: emo phase as a as a preteens. Al right, kind
Speaker 1: of doing that hosting? Yeah, God bless you. All right,
Speaker 1: let's get you our first scene. All of today's scene
Speaker 1: suggestions were gathered from your listener emails. If you'd like
Speaker 1: to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
Speaker 1: name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
Speaker 1: here at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene, in fact,
Speaker 1: comes from he who will not be named, who wrote,
Speaker 1: hello Alchamis, and thank you for the wonderful podcast. It
Speaker 1: certainly has ease my tedium. Working as a plain closed
Speaker 1: store detective. It is not nearly half as exciting as
Speaker 1: it sounds. It sounds just awful. My job takes me
Speaker 1: to all kinds of small, rural grocery stores owned by
Speaker 1: the chain I work for. I often meet managers that
Speaker 1: have no idea that they are even paying for this
Speaker 1: type of service, and served mostly regular small town customers.
Speaker 1: I'd like to hear you take on my day job.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you'll come up with some hilarious customers and scenarios.
Speaker 1: I look forward to every episode and hope you never
Speaker 1: stopped making my work days just a little bit better. Cheers.
Speaker 1: Name redacted due to witness protection. So I've milk down
Speaker 1: an Aisle two, and then cereal is gonna be on
Speaker 1: Aisle three, So that's where you're gonna find. Where's the bananas.
Speaker 1: The bananas will be in the center, so we have
Speaker 1: all the fruit and vegetables in the center. Okay. So
Speaker 1: if you think of the grocery store, think of it
Speaker 1: as a as a labyrinth, okay, and the centers as
Speaker 1: a labyrinth. It's it's it's amazing, it's amazing. I'm fine.
Speaker 1: I just every time I have to do this, it
Speaker 1: just maybe use a different word if you don't want
Speaker 1: to go through there. I'm not gonna get angry, Okay.
Speaker 1: It's where is the least obvious place for me to
Speaker 1: be so customers don't sniff me out? Uh in this
Speaker 1: labnitt Okay? Okay. If you want the least obvious place,
Speaker 1: I guess would be bananas by probably in the center.
Speaker 1: If you want to just like mess around with the fruit,
Speaker 1: that'd be great. Whatever mind would all be doing looking
Speaker 1: for a location, you know, unless I know the better
Speaker 1: is what I'm saying. And uh, just so you know
Speaker 1: there last week there was a crime committed here. Okay,
Speaker 1: there was a there was a double homicide in the
Speaker 1: grocery store, all right, and the detective on duty couldn't
Speaker 1: handle it had we had asked them to leave. So
Speaker 1: we appreciate you being here. Well listen, Uh, that's exactly
Speaker 1: why I was called in. That sort of thing won't
Speaker 1: be happen. And again, I hope not perpetrator to return
Speaker 1: to the scene. It's a weirdo thing and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do my bet. Here's come to the the customer bananas. So
Speaker 1: look there, Hey, hey, yes, you're a new detective. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: are you the new detective who's asking? I'm asking? Okay,
Speaker 1: I see the physical being in front of me. I'm
Speaker 1: asking what your business is. I'm also a detective here.
Speaker 1: There's a bunch of us around. I just wanted to
Speaker 1: know if you're new on the shift. Who brought you in?
Speaker 1: The boss? Krensky Krensky, Hey, guys, he's just here's to
Speaker 1: use the new detectives. Yeah, he's the new guy. This
Speaker 1: guy is pretty cool fresh. What's new guy? There's a
Speaker 1: bunch of us in here, so he said, where the
Speaker 1: sex and all kinds of things? He coming to warm
Speaker 1: up there? Yeah, yeah, I just had to get out
Speaker 1: of the freez to sexy per minute. I noticed that
Speaker 1: that's a tough post. Yeah, this is. It's about the
Speaker 1: worst post here. You got your on bananas? I am
Speaker 1: on banana. If you guys weren't near me right now though,
Speaker 1: all right, right right, nobody's supposed to know any of this.
Speaker 1: I'm are you out of the freezer? Back in the freezer? Please,
Speaker 1: Mr Detective meet not to know we're doing this. This
Speaker 1: is a good time, This isn't a good time. I'll
Speaker 1: get back to the chef boy r D section man
Speaker 1: if that's the thing. Right now, I got mini Rabbi
Speaker 1: only ten for dollar? Can the detective stop talking to
Speaker 1: each other? Many customers come in here? Where's customers come
Speaker 1: in here? Because the dumb mohammed side you're not so busy?
Speaker 1: Well a little bit okay, but also our prices have
Speaker 1: risen just a bit. Okay, it's not me, it's inflation. Okay,
Speaker 1: I didn't do this. You don't personally decide what the pricing? No,
Speaker 1: but everyone comes at me like I'm the guy who's
Speaker 1: doing it all right, Yes, okay, I'm the face of
Speaker 1: the company. Yes, I'm an individual who has power in
Speaker 1: that way, but I don't choose to do that. Does
Speaker 1: the actual marking of the prices? Do you have one
Speaker 1: of them guns that put the price on the cans?
Speaker 1: Can I see that? Ye? Can we all see this? Yeah? Okay, okay, everyone?
Speaker 1: Can I break cover for a minute. Yeah, that's right,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Like you did when you approached me and
Speaker 1: asked me, well, you're a detective, I could clearly tell you.
Speaker 1: We're galking around this corner with your name again, Rick Phillips.
Speaker 1: Rick Phillips, Yeah, that is my name. How did you
Speaker 1: know that? You're good? You're good? My good? Are you
Speaker 1: just a complete and total waste of my time? Oh
Speaker 1: my god? Look, it's it's your mom's birthday. Anything's gonna do.
Speaker 1: Just get one of those premade cakes. Who cares? You
Speaker 1: know that? I can't do that. She's allergic to everything.
Speaker 1: Come on and don't get her anything? Then? Oh my god.
Speaker 1: This is why I want a divorce. This is why
Speaker 1: I asked, okay, and this is why I refuse. All right,
Speaker 1: I want to make it work out. Okay, I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't with you anymore, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And I don't know why went to this grocery store.
Speaker 1: Don't people get murdered here allegedly? All right, I don't know. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's place is huge. Come on, look, let's just let's
Speaker 1: just get her a cake and just bounce from here.
Speaker 1: Come on, hey, guys, Oh, sorry, down here? Thank you?
Speaker 1: Thank you? Cakes? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, I'm sorry. Do
Speaker 1: you have anything that maybe is gluten free nut free air?
Speaker 1: Air with like wrinkles on it? Oh gosh, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: just single because I seriously can't with this guy. Sounds
Speaker 1: like you guys go into something. Yeah, we are, and
Speaker 1: we're rebuilding. Oh okay, yeah, we're rebuilding. Way to use
Speaker 1: the buzzwords from therapy. Okay, Oh my god, I can't
Speaker 1: use the words. Oh yeah, are you gonna pay for
Speaker 1: this cake? Yeah? I'm gonna pay for the cake. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: How much is a frozen cake? Fifty cents? It's just
Speaker 1: this is a little more than more than fifty cents.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna pay a little more than fifty cents.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm doing. I've seen couples like
Speaker 1: you come in here before. Hang on a second. Let
Speaker 1: me let me just write something on this cake that
Speaker 1: I think. I think we'll we'll really solidify your relationship answers.
Speaker 1: Here you go, here, you go. This, this one's just
Speaker 1: for you, guys. Stuck your finger in the cake and
Speaker 1: wrote it with you. I didn't think that. Man, I
Speaker 1: can't read it. But he's just kissing in a different section,
Speaker 1: just kind of just moved it. This cursive. I can't read.
Speaker 1: They don't teach cursive anymore. Kids. No, I don't cursive. First,
Speaker 1: forget it. I hope your love is very happy back
Speaker 1: in the freezer. Yes, that's where he works. Clear like
Speaker 1: it's always negative. Huh. Don't you report me? Okay? Can
Speaker 1: you handle the conversation where you support me? Sure, let's
Speaker 1: have a conversation where I support you. Excuse me, mrs
Speaker 1: Their problem here is this gentleman giving you talking to me?
Speaker 1: Who are you speaking to? I'm talking to the lady. First, sir,
Speaker 1: could you back off? Could you give us two and
Speaker 1: a half feet? He's jealous, Sorry, he's got major issues.
Speaker 1: Is there something I can do to help? Yes? I'm
Speaker 1: looking for a dessert from We're looking for a dessert.
Speaker 1: Hold on just a second. What is your name, sir?
Speaker 1: My name is Yes. How do you spell that? T
Speaker 1: R O, N H, E R and H? Okay? Can
Speaker 1: you stay in a corner? Tronter? Yes? Please? I need
Speaker 1: five five five feet from me? Okay, right, all right, one.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry about him, I really am. I We're
Speaker 1: really working on it in therapy. We're really trying. But
Speaker 1: do you feel physically threatened by this man? If you
Speaker 1: say yes, matters will be taken. Okay, look what look?
Speaker 1: What what kind of matters? Yeah? Does he leave a
Speaker 1: mark on you? Oh? I mean on my heart? Yeah?
Speaker 1: We've been married like five years. You know. I just
Speaker 1: really trying. Have you ever been to a casino where
Speaker 1: you're playing black jack and uh, the dealer has to
Speaker 1: go and break from their shift and they'll clap their
Speaker 1: hands sort of like this and then throw them up
Speaker 1: in the air like I'm done here. Oh yeah, I've
Speaker 1: seen that in a movie. So that's what I'm metaphorically doing. Right,
Speaker 1: How long do I got to be over here? If
Speaker 1: you're telling me that he the only mark he leaves
Speaker 1: is on your heart? I can't I win the black
Speaker 1: jacket a close up magic. I don't want to miss
Speaker 1: close up magic. Sure, John dra to get over back
Speaker 1: over here. What's a trick? The trick is you watch
Speaker 1: yourself around this lady, she's got a very sensitive heart?
Speaker 1: Are you following me? I have before? What does that
Speaker 1: have to do with anything? It has to do with everything. Okay?
Speaker 1: Did you tell him I followed this guy? What did
Speaker 1: you tell him that I was following him around? Look?
Speaker 1: I got a hobby. I'm a follower. Okay, what so
Speaker 1: who else do you follow me? Stop? I live with
Speaker 1: You don't need to follow you. Maybe if you did,
Speaker 1: you'd hush stop hassling people like myself. Maybe Billy check
Speaker 1: it out? A pricing gun? Someone just left it here
Speaker 1: in the aisle. Oh my god? Do you know what
Speaker 1: we could do with this? We could set everything to
Speaker 1: zero and bankrupt this pitch. No, no, no, no, that
Speaker 1: would be too obvious. One cent. We gotta have some price.
Speaker 1: You can't ring up zero. But what if they tried?
Speaker 1: Well would happen? Sam? Do you want to get away
Speaker 1: with this? Do you want to get busted? You're right?
Speaker 1: One senate is one senate is great Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what are we gonna get first? I don't know. We
Speaker 1: could price these well, this is the penny candy aisle.
Speaker 1: Let's go bigger stop. Okay, what's the most expensive thing.
Speaker 1: That's where we get the biggest deal. Well, I used
Speaker 1: to watch supermarket sweep a lot and they made a
Speaker 1: lot of money on those hoses and Hams hoses, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they have garden noses in one section and they
Speaker 1: retail for a lot. Or there's just the big old Hams.
Speaker 1: We could price the big old hands at a penny. Okay,
Speaker 1: big old Hans. Let's do it. Let's do it, samp. Alright,
Speaker 1: just just gotta pass the frozen foods to the deli
Speaker 1: right there there. I've never used to gun, you know,
Speaker 1: just just point okay, in price, price, in price, in price.
Speaker 1: How much money you got, samp. I've got four cents
Speaker 1: in price? Okay, let's go. It's all four cents, yeah, cheef.
Speaker 1: Four pennies that I took from the leave a penny,
Speaker 1: take a penny. I just took pennies. It took four
Speaker 1: Now you to realize that you've been You've been brought
Speaker 1: into this office because you were caught cut, caught on
Speaker 1: tape changing the prices at the store. You understand that
Speaker 1: I am a phone call away from both of your parents. Please,
Speaker 1: I'm too young to go to Julie. I'm nine and
Speaker 1: i'm ten. All right, what was your name? Uh? Sam? Boy? Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm Sam. What's your friend's name? I don't remember giving
Speaker 1: fake names. I'm going to need I just heard that
Speaker 1: I'm gonna need some answers. Sorry, sorry, your public defender.
Speaker 1: I just just got your little late. Actually you're a
Speaker 1: little early. I haven't even charged him with a crime.
Speaker 1: Then they're free to go, not free to go. They
Speaker 1: were caught on tape. Shall we watch it together? Yes,
Speaker 1: you're Sam? Which one to Sam? Sam? In the cans?
Speaker 1: And the other one's name is Billy. You said you're
Speaker 1: saying I was lying, but now that I had my
Speaker 1: public defender, I wanted to just be honest. What was
Speaker 1: your name? Public defender? My name is actually Sam. So
Speaker 1: this is why I don't understand. You. See, if you
Speaker 1: could find some sort of idea on these two nine,
Speaker 1: there's no I d okay, no wallet on this one.
Speaker 1: You know, it's real clear. I'd call the actual police.
Speaker 1: They come down here and they just take you away.
Speaker 1: That's exactly what or I can get you know your
Speaker 1: mother on the phone. You can have a little conversation,
Speaker 1: and this is all done, but without involving the actual police.
Speaker 1: Take the deal. Take we should take it right. I
Speaker 1: don't know what's your home number. They're saying, well, my
Speaker 1: number or his number. The kids you said say, I
Speaker 1: didn't know who you were speaking. His name is saying, well,
Speaker 1: my name is I. Then he said it was Billy.
Speaker 1: You got how do you spell yours? Let me street
Speaker 1: and everything out? How do you spell yours? Am? No,
Speaker 1: my name is Billy? Alright. I said it was Sam
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to know my name. Sam's his name.
Speaker 1: My name's Billy. I can't tell you my name because
Speaker 1: witness protection. So you've been through something like this before.
Speaker 1: What town was that in? I'm not really supposed to say.
Speaker 1: I'll get it. I'm just tell him what. I'm your
Speaker 1: lawyer at finn It's fine Denver, Colorado. If you two
Speaker 1: kids heard a good cup bad cup, because you're about
Speaker 1: to meet bad cut, but you're only one person, that's
Speaker 1: exactly right. I'll be I gotta go out in the
Speaker 1: way and get bad cup. Oh man, Alright, guys, listen,
Speaker 1: this is gonna go heavy. If that I was not
Speaker 1: the bad cop, I don't know what the hell is
Speaker 1: could have happen. Okay, now, my legal protection only goes
Speaker 1: so far. All right, you're ten, you're nine? Maybe maybe Sam,
Speaker 1: I don't know. You're spinning the yard of lies. I
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on here. I'm on your team here.
Speaker 1: I need to know what's going down. Well, what should
Speaker 1: we do? Billy? I don't know. I mean I never
Speaker 1: thought just so sorry, she's you got me confused. I'm
Speaker 1: telling you for cup six my names freezer just opened
Speaker 1: in the air. Hey, guys, we couldn't quite get a
Speaker 1: bad cop right now, so frozen cops gonna have to
Speaker 1: do this. Okay, all right, you know which one are used, Billy,
Speaker 1: and which one he's from Denver? I'm from Denver. I'm
Speaker 1: also from Denver. I don't know. And you're you're the
Speaker 1: one that's clear than an adults. Oh yes, I don't
Speaker 1: know if I can handle this. Maybe we need to
Speaker 1: get Banana cup in here. I'm gonna go outside. I
Speaker 1: guess we gotta get our story straight here. Okay, we
Speaker 1: gotta hear a story straight here. Look I'm from Denver too,
Speaker 1: all right? And what was the round? What happened? Did
Speaker 1: you do? What? We were pricing things for a penny?
Speaker 1: That's it, that's all. We didn't know if that the
Speaker 1: witness protection? Hello him, Banana Cop? How is everyone doing
Speaker 1: really good? I heard um there's been some trouble with guns.
Speaker 1: Is your whole outfit made up bananas? Thank you for
Speaker 1: no doing? Oh my gosh, you m right into the
Speaker 1: banana stam. I only can hope, even Banana Cop. When
Speaker 1: we were walking around, do you have to change your
Speaker 1: outfit like every four days because it browns? Oh that's
Speaker 1: such a great question. You're such a great guy. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I do. I brown and then I change. I feel
Speaker 1: like she's lulling us into a fake sense of like, well,
Speaker 1: I just want to be honest. You know, she's great.
Speaker 1: Touched the bananas with the pricing that did you change
Speaker 1: the price? And banana just m We started in Hams
Speaker 1: and we went for the big time. Okay, that or hoses,
Speaker 1: and we didn't know what we'd do with hoses. You
Speaker 1: didn't know what you would do with hoses? Well, I
Speaker 1: mean I know what I would do with one hose,
Speaker 1: but a whole bunch of hoses. You just need one, right,
Speaker 1: unless you're giving to think about it. We could have
Speaker 1: had a lot more fun with hoses than giant hams.
Speaker 1: We could have had a massive sprinkler thing happening and
Speaker 1: brought all the friends over. Slip and slide Hams would
Speaker 1: just be like, I guess we're pretending it's Christmas, or
Speaker 1: you compete in them before they bought and then if
Speaker 1: when someone uses in the zipee in them. These are
Speaker 1: really but honestly, we were just trying to We found
Speaker 1: it on the floor. It wasn't our fault. We didn't
Speaker 1: even know it was against the rules. Why would they
Speaker 1: leave a price gun on the ground if we weren't
Speaker 1: allowed to use. Well, people are messy, you know. But
Speaker 1: you didn't touch the bananas, right, We did not touch
Speaker 1: the bananas? Okay, got a split? Oh hello, yeah, listen,
Speaker 1: I got both of your mom's on the way in.
Speaker 1: Oh no, yeah. I was to use the tape and
Speaker 1: post it on my Instagram account and just local people
Speaker 1: and your mom's both. What is your handle? I would
Speaker 1: love to follow follow her? Follow your your handle? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's not gonna happen. I'll come on, let your
Speaker 1: hand follow for follow You're Sam from Denver's right, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: You're not gonna follow me on Instagram? You follow too
Speaker 1: many people. Come on, let me just follow you. You
Speaker 1: have no discerning ability in terms of who you follow. No,
Speaker 1: it's all embarrassing follow like eleven thousand people. Just slip out.
Speaker 1: Let's just slip out. Just let me callow you. It
Speaker 1: doesn't it's like, let me just follow you, all right?
Speaker 1: What's your handle? My hand is Sam at Sam from Denver,
Speaker 1: but the Denver is d I n v e R
Speaker 1: because it was already taken d I n v e
Speaker 1: R Denver. Well it's Denver, but yeah it's Denver, Sam
Speaker 1: at Denver. Well, Sam from Denver, at Sam from Denver
Speaker 1: and from his How many m's in your Sam? We
Speaker 1: just barely got away with that. I know. I can't
Speaker 1: believe it. Think God for Instagram, But it just occurred
Speaker 1: to me. Our moms are on their way over here anyway,
Speaker 1: That's true. They're going to see us no matter what
Speaker 1: we do. Are you boys looking for their way out?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, yes, we need to get out. Follow
Speaker 1: me into the dumpster. Inside of the dumpster, Yes, there
Speaker 1: is a staircase underneath the dumpster. How do you think
Speaker 1: I got away with a double homicide last week? Oh?
Speaker 1: No more questions. Let's follow ullow down the stairs. Okay,
Speaker 1: how it's darts down here? Yes, it is underground and
Speaker 1: behind the dumpster, several fathoms deep. I hear you boys
Speaker 1: found the gun inside. Yeah? Was it wipe clean of fingerprints?
Speaker 1: I don't. We didn't wipe it clean at all. But
Speaker 1: you had this gun in your possession. We did, and
Speaker 1: they took it from us. They least the gun from you,
Speaker 1: but you felt moments of what the power of a
Speaker 1: gun is. Absolutely yes, we could have had a We
Speaker 1: had like four hams. Wait, you were shooting hams. We
Speaker 1: were shooting hams? Were you shooting hams? We were trying
Speaker 1: to knock down the prices. Do not understand that prices
Speaker 1: are set by free markets. I don't understand. You have
Speaker 1: a pricing gun, I mean anything, Oh boy, pricing gun.
Speaker 1: I feel there are a lot of really cool gadgets
Speaker 1: you have on this table. You probably should not touch those.
Speaker 1: None of those are for price. Oh put that down,
Speaker 1: Put those downs, Put those down alight. I'm going to
Speaker 1: have to ask you to leave my layer right, No,
Speaker 1: this is I'm going down arm Hams are up there.
Speaker 1: We gotta stay down here, and yeah you gotta raise
Speaker 1: us now hold on, hold on hello, bank, things are
Speaker 1: things are not so good. There are no two children
Speaker 1: down here? Do you need? Two children are down here?
Speaker 1: I would call them the chilgun food. Ah. Well, look
Speaker 1: the plans are all changing right now because of these
Speaker 1: two children that are just shown up. They're playing with
Speaker 1: all my wissy warry guns. Is quickly int please again, Okay,
Speaker 1: you know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it. Click did you just say? Click?
Speaker 1: Was that doing? The kid that you are about to
Speaker 1: hang up on me? I really really hate that guy.
Speaker 1: We could have slipped out during that whole thing. We
Speaker 1: should have we should have. This room is so cool.
Speaker 1: You put my whissy warry guns down? Okay, fine, but
Speaker 1: that's they seems really fun. They are very fun. What
Speaker 1: kind of technology is that it is? It is not
Speaker 1: firm around here. It's cool. Sam's from not around here.
Speaker 1: He's in the Witness Protection Agency program. I don't remember
Speaker 1: in white you are in whit SEC. Yeah wait you're not.
Speaker 1: You're not that kid from Denver, are you, oh ship, No,
Speaker 1: you told him upstairs that you were from Denver. You
Speaker 1: know this guy is coolly brought us into his dumpster downstairs.
Speaker 1: Mouthy friend is very trusting. Yeah, it's me. Wait a second,
Speaker 1: take your hat off. What what? Don't reach for that?
Speaker 1: Don't I knew it? I knew it. I thought they
Speaker 1: put you away after be testified against you. You thought wrong,
Speaker 1: little one. You thought wrong, little one. I have been
Speaker 1: down here waiting for so long for you to show up,
Speaker 1: and now you are here, and I am going to
Speaker 1: take you down with my whizzy worrigun. Look where it's
Speaker 1: my boy? You said my son was here? Okay, where
Speaker 1: where is he? What? He kind of wandered off? What
Speaker 1: I mean he wandered off. I don't know how else
Speaker 1: to explain it here? Okay, then he's just wandering off.
Speaker 1: Have you seen the prices on Tunic Castle rule today?
Speaker 1: And I have not today. I have not. I thought
Speaker 1: them about three weeks ago, when I was here and
Speaker 1: telling you they've dropped. I am okay. Well, well then
Speaker 1: let's talk and walk to the Tunic Castle. But I
Speaker 1: need to know where my son is. Okay. Well, we
Speaker 1: had an investing a live investigation. I'mgoing investing and then
Speaker 1: he wandered off sarm light sor I'm like, okay, have
Speaker 1: you found the boys? I'm sorry, lad, it's once in
Speaker 1: hand takes understand. Can I just say happy birthday? God,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. You're the first person to tell
Speaker 1: me come on anything or no, you're still allergic to that?
Speaker 1: To it all, I'm still allergic. But you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, today's cheat ta yeah, like a little rash
Speaker 1: my throw closes up. You know, did you find a voice?
Speaker 1: I have not Where the Boys? We're on our way
Speaker 1: to Tunic castroll prizes right now. But we didn't need
Speaker 1: to see this, and that was the original pitch for
Speaker 1: Where the Boys Are? Scene too comes to us from Oscar,
Speaker 1: who wrote, Hi, there, you have a bunch of superheroes.
Speaker 1: I'm half brit love your British accents and half Colombian.
Speaker 1: Didn't quite catch your Colombian accents. Currently studying in Western China. Wow,
Speaker 1: this is quite a voyage. When local Chinese people get
Speaker 1: curious about what I'm laughing at on the bus, I
Speaker 1: simply plug my ear headphones right into their ears, and
Speaker 1: of course they don't understand a single word, which makes
Speaker 1: it so much better? How how does it make it better?
Speaker 1: But I digress? Oh, I see he is a fan.
Speaker 1: My suggestion is about a comedian who is on his
Speaker 1: or her way to the top, but for some reason,
Speaker 1: can never, ever ever make a joke that doesn't somehow
Speaker 1: involve pe or pooh. Lots of love, making living far
Speaker 1: away from home so much more bearable love. Vanessa's voiced
Speaker 1: and best episode Lola's Bedroom. God bless oscar in China. Okay, Nick, ships,
Speaker 1: you're up in five? All right? Yeah, you got it alright?
Speaker 1: Five okay, and you can do tight seven all right.
Speaker 1: I mnna have to pinch it off early. Don't run
Speaker 1: the light he Nick, You remember I got the tonight
Speaker 1: show Scalvia tonight, so I really need you to do
Speaker 1: your best to do a television ready six minutes? You
Speaker 1: got it? All right? We both know what that means, right, yep,
Speaker 1: television ready yep. Certain words you can't say. You're good
Speaker 1: to go? Yeah, I hope. So all right, where are
Speaker 1: you open with? Uh? Probably hello? Right, and then getting
Speaker 1: my first bit and then you know you gotta get
Speaker 1: him laughing like within six seconds? Yeah, right, So the
Speaker 1: plan is hello, yeah, I'll say it in a funny way.
Speaker 1: Oh great, that always works. Yeah, uh, we're gonna go
Speaker 1: carrot top funny. We're gonna go like, uh, we're gonna
Speaker 1: go nick Oh. I like it. Right, So I'm having
Speaker 1: him introduce you with your real last name, just again
Speaker 1: because of Tonitrio scoutters out there, but you know it's
Speaker 1: your six minutes time. Why not just have him because
Speaker 1: it's this is my name now? Well, because when you
Speaker 1: get on the tonight Joe Jimmy Fowl is not going
Speaker 1: to say, here's the new comedian Nicky shits. Well, welly not,
Speaker 1: that's my name. Well, that's your show business name, Nicki.
Speaker 1: And right, so I'm gonna be on a show business show. Larry,
Speaker 1: I don't understand. You know who I was. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm about this in my art. We've been having
Speaker 1: this discussion for a long time, and you're you're now
Speaker 1: close to breaking. Right. All the time you were playing
Speaker 1: Uncle Fox Chruckle Hutch in Cleveland and what whatnot, it
Speaker 1: didn't matter what your name was, right. It looked okay
Speaker 1: to the to the patrons, Hey, which kids get a
Speaker 1: funny name? Who we Uh? But now we're going we're
Speaker 1: this closer Tonight. There you're you're, you're you're my sister's husband,
Speaker 1: Like you should know me, like this is this is
Speaker 1: family stuff, you know. Just let me do my thing. Well,
Speaker 1: you gotta bring up Bethany because I just wanted Nick. Sorry,
Speaker 1: it's me another ten. Kevin Paul's doing drop in, Oh
Speaker 1: my god? Really? Yeah? Yeah, sure, I wonder if you'll
Speaker 1: do Christopher Walking again. I guarantee it you might be
Speaker 1: a little something from that way. What do you mean?
Speaker 1: No way, no way, no way. But he's been on
Speaker 1: a Tonight Show sure, and I haven't yet. Don't you
Speaker 1: understand there's a difference. There is a difference. Also, he
Speaker 1: was on when Johnny Carson was the host. And why
Speaker 1: don't know so much about his his history? Why don't
Speaker 1: even focusing on what I'm doing? All? I don't know?
Speaker 1: Because he's what's the word I'm looking for? Famous? Like
Speaker 1: that matters? You're in stand up. Maybe you should know
Speaker 1: a little something about the history. I think I know
Speaker 1: enough about stand up. Okay, So who are your top
Speaker 1: three favorite stand up in no particular order. Let's go
Speaker 1: with my cousin Benny. Your cousin Benny's funny professional too.
Speaker 1: He's a professor. He's a welder, right, funny as welder.
Speaker 1: That's ever well did that's really funny. Um, professional known
Speaker 1: comedians throughout the history of man. All right, Uh this
Speaker 1: or woman or woman? Time? God forbid? All right, um,
Speaker 1: let's see probably uh Timbo Timbo? Uh huh he was
Speaker 1: that elephant clown. Very funny and uh Andy Cirkus and Larry, Hey, Larry,
Speaker 1: you might if I interrupt for just a second. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry to bother you too. I'm coming in from the
Speaker 1: from the tonight show, and I'm really excited to see
Speaker 1: your guy. How do you do. I'm doing really good.
Speaker 1: You must be nicky sheet nikki shits anyway, stand kid, thrill.
Speaker 1: He's a real whack and do I told you this
Speaker 1: on the phone. I really appreciate you coming down. I
Speaker 1: am really excited for it. I brought one of my
Speaker 1: friends from the children's workshop and they're looking for a
Speaker 1: new host of their show. So whatever, we're looking for
Speaker 1: somebody that connects to the audience on a clean and
Speaker 1: resonating way. That's what I keep telling my kid. And
Speaker 1: he's ready to go tonight tonight. Alright, great, great, I
Speaker 1: can't wait to see your material. That's Kevin. I'll be
Speaker 1: up alright, God bless you, God bless you. Hey, two
Speaker 1: minutes ships, two minutes wrapping up. I got so quick.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. You know it was so nice at
Speaker 1: those tonight show people to to let us tag along
Speaker 1: and pick our guy. I'm so excited. I can't believe it. Finally, finally,
Speaker 1: Children's Television Workshop is going to have a nice, wholesome,
Speaker 1: clean comedian to lead a show. I really think it's
Speaker 1: going to revolutionize children's television. You know what I mean
Speaker 1: if we add a little humor, I mean kids have
Speaker 1: senses of humor. Yeah, because none of six shoes. Because look,
Speaker 1: Mr Rogers is great. But I know right, let's make
Speaker 1: it seem slower with jazz. Oh god, get over it
Speaker 1: and pop. It's what a good idea. Can I get
Speaker 1: you to something to drink? Two more milks? Okay? You
Speaker 1: know we have food that's a film menu there. Oh
Speaker 1: oh sure, Oh gosh, oh gosh, these looks sinful, positive
Speaker 1: mozzarella sticks, tough to bees. Oh my gosh, you know what.
Speaker 1: Just the two milks for now? Two milks for now?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? Two milks? I don't tell you
Speaker 1: what I don't have, only have a cordon of milk.
Speaker 1: I don't even know we had a cardon yes, frollowing
Speaker 1: mud slides and ship. You gotta get him to drink alcohol, man,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna always do. We should give him this this
Speaker 1: Bailey's ivers cream. I think what they meant to order anywhere.
Speaker 1: Let me get two bails. This is kind of brown?
Speaker 1: Is this chocolate milk? What is this? It's a new milk.
Speaker 1: It's organ Oh gosh, we really are in the city.
Speaker 1: It tastes a little different, but we've had nothing but raves.
Speaker 1: Enjoy everybody. Kevin Poll than you yourself next to the stage, Well,
Speaker 1: he's an up and coming or he's doing great. Put
Speaker 1: your heads together for Nikki sheets. This is the one
Speaker 1: that we might get for our shore if we can
Speaker 1: runtle them away from that tonight show fell off? Do
Speaker 1: you think you get to talk to us? I hope
Speaker 1: he doesn't talk to us. Hello, Hi, uh what's going on?
Speaker 1: Everybody is? Everyone looks great? Huh? Hope everyone? Hope everyone
Speaker 1: did shoot themselves and piss themselves from the last act.
Speaker 1: Huh Um. You know what's funny. I was thinking about
Speaker 1: this the other day. I was riding around in one
Speaker 1: of my I have two cars because I piss and
Speaker 1: ship in one and then I shouldn't piss in the
Speaker 1: other and true, and I was driving around and I
Speaker 1: thought to myself, why not pull over to the side
Speaker 1: of road and get this a picture of the beautiful
Speaker 1: Hollywood sign. So I popped out and once you know,
Speaker 1: there shouldn't piss all over me, and I was. I
Speaker 1: wasn't able. I wasn't able to move because it was
Speaker 1: all kicked onto my thighs. Huh, Larry, Larry, you really
Speaker 1: fucked me on this guy. I can't use him in
Speaker 1: the tonight show. This was his shot. I don't understand
Speaker 1: that this was your shot. I thought you wanted to
Speaker 1: wrap some big names. Well you're doing me a favor
Speaker 1: and take a look at Breg Garrett. Just take a look.
Speaker 1: Take a look. It's been a while since he's been on.
Speaker 1: And you know that that that's just how how the
Speaker 1: cookie grumblest stalk to the crowd. How are you doo doing?
Speaker 1: Huh oh gosh, we're just fine. Yeah, yeah, are you
Speaker 1: two together? We were we were shikash you no, we
Speaker 1: I mean we worked together. We yeah, we worked together.
Speaker 1: At the children's television for children for children, do pe
Speaker 1: on kids? Ah, pop kids? No, we don't you hold
Speaker 1: on it. I'm sorry, Mr. Hold on a second. I'm Marlene.
Speaker 1: Do you pop? Don't act like this is the first
Speaker 1: time that you've heard this. Hold you look at the
Speaker 1: Christmas party. I told you that at the Christmas Party's
Speaker 1: when I starts the truth. Is there alcohol in your milk?
Speaker 1: There's alcohol? How do you know there's my milk? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, Oh my god. It's like truth serum for me.
Speaker 1: And that's just pretty much out because it goes with
Speaker 1: it if you don't think about where you're pissing and shinny,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. My name is Nicky. You can
Speaker 1: find me on Instagram at the Ship's Hey, Nicky ships Man,
Speaker 1: I think my card. You're great, say great. So I'm
Speaker 1: producing this new late night edgy comedy series called to
Speaker 1: the Wall. Okay, we think you'd be perfect for it. Okay,
Speaker 1: Spoke TV. That's right, and yeah, I'm down. You're down
Speaker 1: for it? What should I run about? My brother? He's
Speaker 1: my manager. Okay, cool, my numbers on there. You just
Speaker 1: give me a call, will get you in. Okay, whoa, Hey,
Speaker 1: who's this gay? Hey, this guy just suck. He's a
Speaker 1: big time producer from Spoke TV. He just asked me
Speaker 1: if I want to do a late night Holds the
Speaker 1: late night show. All right, Well, you gave him your card,
Speaker 1: so I'm a manager. I'm sorry, here's my dad. Just
Speaker 1: the one is fine? Okay, Tim, tim Timmy Tim Timmy
Speaker 1: that Spoke TV. That's right, that's you, Tim, Timmy Timminson's Okay, Larry,
Speaker 1: come on, this is a big deal, that's right. So
Speaker 1: what do you want from this? Get? Well, we're producing
Speaker 1: this new late night edgy comedy show called Bows to
Speaker 1: the Wild, and we think he would be great for
Speaker 1: it. It It sounds pretty edgy, yeah the way he says. Look,
Speaker 1: let me tell you about the set. Please. There are
Speaker 1: walls that are very close to every performer's balls. Okay,
Speaker 1: I get to the chair. I get it. We'll see, Okay,
Speaker 1: I can't give it too much away. You know, there's
Speaker 1: there's ears ears are Should we come down to the
Speaker 1: studio sometime soon? Yeah? Yeah, ten thirty in morning. If
Speaker 1: you can do that, I think I don't know. I
Speaker 1: just want to sleep right, perfect, Okay? Ten thirty and
Speaker 1: the address here in the car. That's right, and we
Speaker 1: asked for Tim Timminson. Right, what was you in? Hey,
Speaker 1: you guys can get a drive on. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: great drive on. Is that some? Is that when someone
Speaker 1: took you off? That's a passing. Oh sorry, Marlene, I'm
Speaker 1: cutting you off. You cannot have any more middle seven
Speaker 1: more please, Marlene. No, I'm having a great time. Okay, kids, Marlene,
Speaker 1: get off the stage. No, okay, here we go. Hello, Hello, Hi, hi, Hi, Yeah,
Speaker 1: love it, Marley. You are embarrassing us. Oh you're embarrassing me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I just want to talk about my job. I work
Speaker 1: with children. You are as kids. Yeah, Marlene, Marlene, come
Speaker 1: up the stage, come off the stage. It's my turn.
Speaker 1: Who here else likes to be on kids? Hell? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: we're rolling right now. Mar we could just step into
Speaker 1: my office and close to do a behind you. Thank you,
Speaker 1: go ahead, sit down. Okay. There's some YouTube pottage going
Speaker 1: around a view. Well, let's just cut straight to it.
Speaker 1: Uh talking about explicitly disgusting things from that's odd. It's me.
Speaker 1: I'm absolutely sure because somebody is saying Marlene, get off
Speaker 1: the stage the whole time. Marlene. No, but you it's you.
Speaker 1: It's you. Okay, Um, I'm supposed to be working for
Speaker 1: the Children's Workshop and you're out at some sort of
Speaker 1: degenerate comedy club. Well here's the mark. You asked us
Speaker 1: to go and check out that guy, Nicky Sheets. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but from what I've heard, it didn't turn out very good. Well, okay,
Speaker 1: here's here's what happened. Okay, we ordered milk as we do,
Speaker 1: and um, and then I guess they put some alcohol
Speaker 1: in my milk. Yeah what Yeah, this is insane. I know,
Speaker 1: that's what I was. That's what I was thinking. And
Speaker 1: then I guess, um, someone said that I went on stage.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't sound like me. Right, No, it doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like you. But if you poisoned you, it's possible. Okay. Yes,
Speaker 1: we're going to get the Children's Workshop gang and we're
Speaker 1: going to go down there and see what the hell
Speaker 1: is going on at the chuckle Hut when you get
Speaker 1: all the detectively Well, thank you. Interesting, you're just the
Speaker 1: children's television producer. You sound like what do you mean
Speaker 1: just at children's television? Couldn't minimize it. We're making the
Speaker 1: future of children, were entertaining their minds. Yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: what That's what I That's what I was saying, which
Speaker 1: is why I'm so passionate. I love kids. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: chuckle hug gets milk from Rogers. Yeah, okay, Well when
Speaker 1: my employee comes down here, what the hell alcoholic? It's responsible?
Speaker 1: Are we just selling the milk? Okay, they just come
Speaker 1: and get gardens from where's the milk froduct? It comes
Speaker 1: from a dairy farm. Take me there. I'll take you
Speaker 1: to the god damn milk. It's in Denver. I don't
Speaker 1: give a I've seen it on Mr Rogers. I can
Speaker 1: see it in real life. Well, yeah, the farm's clothes
Speaker 1: right now. There's a double homicide down here last week.
Speaker 1: So right now we're not really bottling the milk. Okay,
Speaker 1: I see there's account right over there. I'd like to
Speaker 1: just take a little nibble on the nipple. Well, um,
Speaker 1: I mean I no one's ever asked for that, So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say, just needs some proof that there's no alcohol.
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I'm saying, yes, I thank you. No one
Speaker 1: has ever asked that, And I'm damn curious where this
Speaker 1: is gonna go? Ahead, Paul, Paul, I think you could
Speaker 1: charge the film. Well, day, that's right. Nobody milks for free.
Speaker 1: That's the rule of the farm. All right. How much
Speaker 1: is it gonna cost me the nibble, the nipples? Jesus,
Speaker 1: This is straight from the source. This is pure, This
Speaker 1: is pure, all right, This isn't altodina. Alright, But I mean,
Speaker 1: I can't drink seventy worth of milk. Wow, you don't
Speaker 1: believe in yourself. You work in Childer's TV and you
Speaker 1: don't believe in yourself. Well, you believe in yourself. You
Speaker 1: can get seventy dollars of milk out of that nip.
Speaker 1: I just don't know if I can stomach it. I mean,
Speaker 1: how much can you keep in your stomach before it's
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. Cool, Look, why don't we
Speaker 1: find out? All right? All right, Marilyn, I'm so sorry,
Speaker 1: but Evan has passed. His stomach exploded, filled to the
Speaker 1: brim with milk, raw, bitter milk. I think I know
Speaker 1: why this happened. I told him I drink milk. I
Speaker 1: don't need to know. I just wanted to come. You
Speaker 1: know that Evan's dead? Oh? Um, do you know Evans?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what's happening in the company. Okay,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to go and let you know. Are
Speaker 1: you related? I'm so sorry, Uh that Steve got to
Speaker 1: before the company could share this this news. Who is Steve?
Speaker 1: He's been let go. He was one of our field operators,
Speaker 1: and uh, he didn't want to hear anyone's story. He
Speaker 1: just wanted to share information, and it just was off
Speaker 1: putting for most folks, especially when delivering this kind of
Speaker 1: devastating news, very sensitive information from Steve. Did you say
Speaker 1: his name is and he's he's operator for the children
Speaker 1: let go? Yes, we getting out. I'm sorry for laughing
Speaker 1: because he is just an odd person because we'd send
Speaker 1: him out to share the bad news, in many cases
Speaker 1: death and uh, well he just didn't want to hear
Speaker 1: whatever that people wanted to say back. How many offenses
Speaker 1: did he have until you fired? It was the first time.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, we really get a lot of chances here
Speaker 1: at that we do. We believe in people. So anyways,
Speaker 1: well with our apologies. Uh and you had some questions
Speaker 1: about your husband's dad. Oh yeah, well yes, my husment,
Speaker 1: my y instead. I am devastated, obviously, and I know
Speaker 1: I feel like it's my fault. It is weirdly funny.
Speaker 1: I don't know why. Well, you know, you know whenever
Speaker 1: people are really sad and then they just start laughing
Speaker 1: because you know, because your husband's did every time you
Speaker 1: say it. Yeah, I mean he went down hard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like face right into the dirt. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: we thought about burying him right there, because he was
Speaker 1: already half buried. Yeah, it was all right, Nikki. It's
Speaker 1: Nework loves you, man, they love you. It's between you
Speaker 1: and Marlene the Chocolate Milk comics. It's really close. It's
Speaker 1: back and forth. This is your last screen test, and
Speaker 1: I just take a nap. I mean, this, this neurotic
Speaker 1: thing you've got going around, I was really working for you,
Speaker 1: all right, So you need to go in there and
Speaker 1: test one more time. Alright, where's Larry. He's my first cousin, vlarious,
Speaker 1: negotiating deal points for you right now? Right? Okay, where
Speaker 1: where's do I look at a camera? Yeah, you're gonna
Speaker 1: go on right now in front of all the suits.
Speaker 1: All right, it's between you and mine. You gotta sell
Speaker 1: you gotta sell this. Do I have to do it
Speaker 1: in for the suits? The network? Wait a second, suits
Speaker 1: run this whole thing. But you want to be balls
Speaker 1: to the wall man, of course I do. Then get
Speaker 1: in there and do your job. Man, Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: I have to make these suits laugh. How the hell
Speaker 1: am I gonna make fabric laugh? Okay? All right? Are
Speaker 1: you going? NICKI welcome back in. Thanks for coming back in. Hello,
Speaker 1: you don't you don't look so good? Nick? Everything? Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm fine. And when's the last time you ship and pissed?
Speaker 1: Was the last time you slept? What's wrong with this face?
Speaker 1: I remember? I remember driving down. I have two cars,
Speaker 1: one car, ship and piss. Yeah we heard this material.
Speaker 1: You did this last time you came in and tested
Speaker 1: with us. One car piston ship in super funny every
Speaker 1: time you say it. Yeah, this is this is for
Speaker 1: balls to the wall. Oh my god, I pissed myself.
Speaker 1: Oh you those are just jokes. You really do this.
Speaker 1: He's committed. Oh my god, that's a commitment. We're looking
Speaker 1: for a um what knock knock? Who is that? Everyone?
Speaker 1: Who's knock knock? Who's there? Who's there? Knock knock? You know? What?
Speaker 1: Can we call Marlene? Yeah, let's just get the chocolate milk. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll let her right in right, Marlen, Hi, Marlene, Hi,
Speaker 1: thanks for seeing me. Oh sure, sure? Did you have
Speaker 1: your chocolate milk? I did? Seven big bang stuck kids?
Speaker 1: Am I? Right? Yeah? This is great, This is this
Speaker 1: is what we need on spoke. Yeah, strong, open, You're
Speaker 1: gonna fire some questions at yet. Okay, okay, oh please
Speaker 1: do are you still here? He was laying on the ground.
Speaker 1: There's a couch. There's a couch right outside the office. Okay,
Speaker 1: and it's probably also a couch at your home. You
Speaker 1: could use that one. Get all the way there catches
Speaker 1: pissing ship on it. I can't lay on it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: We need to give this time to Marlene, okay, just
Speaker 1: to have a lie down. All were some questions at
Speaker 1: you and just a stream of consciousness whatever comes, all right.
Speaker 1: You wanted to start out there, Greg, if you were
Speaker 1: going balls to the wall, how would you prove that
Speaker 1: it was an authentic balls to the wall moment? And
Speaker 1: it's okay, Uh, it's okay to tell the truth, you know. Okay. Well,
Speaker 1: here's the thing is, We've got a lot of answers,
Speaker 1: and I don't want you to feel like you can't
Speaker 1: repeat one of the previous answers from somebody else. I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to let whatever you feel is natural. It's yeah,
Speaker 1: let's just go ahead and let her answer. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's okay. Whatever answer is a good answer. Okay, let
Speaker 1: me just chuck this. No girl after? Is this going authentic?
Speaker 1: Balls to the walls? I'd probably the kids of it.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it was. It took sixty shows to and
Speaker 1: a scene with that particular sentence. What don't we all
Speaker 1: win today? It's a brand new Chevrolet, so congratulations to us.
Speaker 1: All is from a fellow named Aaron, who wrote, Hey, guys,
Speaker 1: I've been listening for about two months after I heard
Speaker 1: a commercial on another podcast, and I'm super happy I
Speaker 1: listened because it's the best part of my day. I
Speaker 1: have no idea who you all are, but I love it.
Speaker 1: Is that necessary? Anyway? Have you happen to see this?
Speaker 1: How about a huge electrical problem at the White House
Speaker 1: and an apprentice who is new and knows nothing is
Speaker 1: accidentally set in alone to fix the problem. Meanwhile, the
Speaker 1: US is trying to declare war on Argentina. This is
Speaker 1: too much information Argentina and can't because the power is out.
Speaker 1: Thanks a bunch, and please make podcasts forever. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Aaron Morris from Atlanta, Georgia. What am I supposed to you?
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to use a lighter? Do I use a lighter? Note?
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to use the lighter. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: This is we don't usually have power out. It's just
Speaker 1: but maybe here's a flashlight. You hold the flight I got,
Speaker 1: things are right, Okay, I'll hold it, but I just
Speaker 1: feel bad. This is uncustomary and we should have a
Speaker 1: lighting person working on this very soon. You know what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna dictate the letter. You go ahead and write
Speaker 1: it down. Okay? Did TMZ? Okay? Fuck you? All right?
Speaker 1: The president? Okay, are you sure? Can you read that back?
Speaker 1: Dear TMZ? Right? Suck you? Right? The president? That's nice?
Speaker 1: Excuse me, Mr President. Ye, here's the huge flashlight that
Speaker 1: he's bigger than the previous flashlight that you requested. Thank you.
Speaker 1: See that this is a guy who wants to keep
Speaker 1: his debt. I mean that looks like the bat signal.
Speaker 1: He's brought in something that's not a flashlight. How is
Speaker 1: that bad? Bad? Let's turn it on and see what
Speaker 1: kind of signal is here? Oh my god? Is that
Speaker 1: not my face on the ceiling of the overfu. How
Speaker 1: does that look great? It's wonderful. I feel like it's
Speaker 1: burning my skin. I'm so sorry, but that's too bright
Speaker 1: for indoor use. Maybe the guy I thought you would No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm the guy. I'm the guy. We can have it out.
Speaker 1: I just feel like this was me. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.
Speaker 1: Can you come in here and get Steve out of it?
Speaker 1: Out of my face? Send in security please, that's the
Speaker 1: sort of thing I need now. I want to wage
Speaker 1: war and Argentina, who's gonna help me? I'll do it.
Speaker 1: What will you do? Um? Well, I'll try to flight
Speaker 1: and I'll just start throwing punches, all right, But first,
Speaker 1: can we get somebody to turn on the power. There's
Speaker 1: no lights and it's sending out the wrong signal. Mr
Speaker 1: President of This is seven o'clock at night, so it's
Speaker 1: a dog inside. It doesn't look good. Uh. I thought
Speaker 1: this would have been brought to your attention. This the
Speaker 1: oval office in the west wing is was condemned, So
Speaker 1: we gotta we gotta move over to the east wind.
Speaker 1: There's no there's not much power coming over. Do you
Speaker 1: know how many buildings I own that have been condemned.
Speaker 1: What he is I can't imagine endless. You know what
Speaker 1: you do? You you drop him like a sack of rock.
Speaker 1: That's right, You level the whole place stopped over. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what we're gonna do it. We're okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get the helicopter whip up. I'm gonna go to my log.
Speaker 1: We're gonna love it. You're gonna wrap up the Helicopter's
Speaker 1: what I want to know. Okay, let me get somebody
Speaker 1: on the wrap up the mean Well, they're on the
Speaker 1: fucking lights already. Yeah, okay, can we get lamps in
Speaker 1: here and get me the president and on the fucking pony, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: Mr President, I do not understand why you want to
Speaker 1: go to work with Argentina. We have done nothing. We
Speaker 1: have been we have been allies for a very long time.
Speaker 1: This you you send out one tweet that is just
Speaker 1: the it is just our flag and the word loser.
Speaker 1: Did you even realize which country flag you were choosing?
Speaker 1: What did you randomly just choose from the emoji list? Well,
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, I did choose from the emoji list,
Speaker 1: and I thought I chose correctly. Is it not your flag?
Speaker 1: It is our flag. I thought maybe you just randomly
Speaker 1: picked the country to call it, like I meant to
Speaker 1: say Colombia with losers and I actually meant Colombia and
Speaker 1: I picked the wrong flag. That's what you thought. Well,
Speaker 1: there's no other explanation for why you would don't tell
Speaker 1: me that to go to your recently used emojis and
Speaker 1: to pick flag that happens to be there is something wrong. Okay,
Speaker 1: because if you're telling me my president, alright, the president
Speaker 1: that was elected picks an emoji and somehow we have
Speaker 1: to go to war with the country, then so be it.
Speaker 1: That's the power that that individual has. Now we gotta
Speaker 1: go to commercial, but we'll be back right after this
Speaker 1: at Fox News. The can you want to see, all right,
Speaker 1: we're back, and the the idea that it's not anyone's uh,
Speaker 1: you you have to look if international text rates apply.
Speaker 1: All right. The Argentinian president accepted the text. He didn't
Speaker 1: have to. Alright, yeah, it was a tweet, but you
Speaker 1: text the tweet. It's it's letters that are on your phone. Okay,
Speaker 1: So this is Steve and your ear throw it to
Speaker 1: the video. We had the president from the Rose Garden
Speaker 1: addressing the President. I'll do that one I want. Okay, now, now,
Speaker 1: so the idea, the idea that these things aren't happening
Speaker 1: is is just arbitrary to this the whole point of it.
Speaker 1: It's a live feed. So just go ahead and cut
Speaker 1: to Yeah, it's a live feed. When I say, it's
Speaker 1: a love my feet and you know, the the idea
Speaker 1: that this isn't that the thing is uh uh that
Speaker 1: that that that the tweets, that the twimmer. If you
Speaker 1: look at twimmer and you look at all the things
Speaker 1: that are happening on there, it's chatter, right. Why can't
Speaker 1: the president talk to people when he when he wants
Speaker 1: to twim them? Oh my god, he's gonna blow guys
Speaker 1: Fox News, what you want to see? Mr President? Before
Speaker 1: you begin your remarks here in the Rose Garden, I
Speaker 1: just I just need to let you know that one
Speaker 1: of the Fox bots exploded just now on here. How's
Speaker 1: that my problem? It just seemed like something you may
Speaker 1: want to address people that know that they were bought.
Speaker 1: So if they asked me a question about the facts,
Speaker 1: but I say, yeah, I heard exploded. Yes, just just
Speaker 1: acknowledged that you that you heard what happened? Are you
Speaker 1: ready for this? Mr? President? Yeah? This president? Get another
Speaker 1: sip off your drink. Oh gosh, this regular code, this
Speaker 1: regular cook. Oh okay, So the President's gonna come up
Speaker 1: in a bit, I feel. Any more questions until he comes?
Speaker 1: How much longer until the president gets here? I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe when he pisses himself? Anything else? Any other questions?
Speaker 1: Any big plans for the weekend? Yeah, I got a
Speaker 1: big plan for the weekend. I'm gonna I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: a dump one out. Okay, warm up, guy, you're off
Speaker 1: presidents here? Yeah? Yeah, thank you Roger from Fox? Is
Speaker 1: it true the reason the powers out as you have
Speaker 1: an outpaid the electricity bill and you're gonna connect guy
Speaker 1: with the funny job lending from Fox Sports? Yeah? Mr President,
Speaker 1: you have anything to say about the Fox thought that
Speaker 1: exploded just a mere minutes ago? Just told about this,
Speaker 1: By the way, a lovely dress. Uh? Mr President? Please
Speaker 1: just answer the question. Be happy too. But I think
Speaker 1: it's important that we all remember it's it's a bot, right,
Speaker 1: so they don't always last. Sometimes you buy it cheap.
Speaker 1: But and in this case, I'm gonna think Fox had
Speaker 1: a cheap bot and it exploded boo boo boo. As
Speaker 1: the president, you understand that it was a human man
Speaker 1: who exploded on television. Yeah, I do, I do. I
Speaker 1: We call them bots because they have bodies, I guess.
Speaker 1: And uh, listen, we have the best bots okay in
Speaker 1: America if you want, if you don't like our boats,
Speaker 1: then go to another country. I don't care. Mr President's President. Yeah,
Speaker 1: is it true that you are fast tracking a bill
Speaker 1: that would outlaw darkness so if the power goes out again,
Speaker 1: it will always be light? Fake knows? Next question, please,
Speaker 1: Mr Presidents President? Why? Well? Why Argentina? Sir? And uh?
Speaker 1: Is the situation escalating there? Well? The ciscin system there is,
Speaker 1: as you know about his ask backwards as any country
Speaker 1: has ever been? You ever't been there Argentina? No, Mr President,
Speaker 1: I have not been Argentina clearly, Otherwise you would have
Speaker 1: phrased your question differently, like why why have we waited
Speaker 1: so long to bang Argentina? I'm right, Mr President? Are
Speaker 1: you when you say bang Argentina, do you mean cause explosions?
Speaker 1: Or I hate to use this kind of language in
Speaker 1: a press conference, but I'm not freed. Are you trying
Speaker 1: to funk Argentina. I don't I love the question. I
Speaker 1: don't feel I understand why people feel the need to
Speaker 1: read into whatever I say. You know, I can't say this,
Speaker 1: I can't say that. Oh, bing bang, I'm making signs
Speaker 1: and signals the people on the wrong side of the tracks.
Speaker 1: Bing bang. I don't understand either. So I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: shout out to Argentina. Would come in. I gotta get
Speaker 1: on the helicopter. They then ask questions, No, that's it,
Speaker 1: that's it, that's the Mr President. All right, Mr President,
Speaker 1: we wrapped up the helicopter for you. Yeah, Mr President,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be hard to take off for right, It's
Speaker 1: gonna be real difficult, Mr President. You how to wrap
Speaker 1: up the helicopter? Oh? I mean, I'm happy to take
Speaker 1: the plane, sir. It's just a longer flight on the helicopter.
Speaker 1: Why is it? Why is the helicopter? Well, you want
Speaker 1: to take a helicopter to Argentina, and this helicopter has
Speaker 1: recently been completely wrapped in in gift room. Why would
Speaker 1: I want to take it Argentina and helicopter it's your helicopter, sir.
Speaker 1: You want to go to Marlaga in Argentina, Mago. Well
Speaker 1: you're going to Marlago, the one in Argentina or the
Speaker 1: one in Florida. The one in Florida. Okay, well that
Speaker 1: changes everything, That changes everything. Manifest is a little messed up.
Speaker 1: Sorry about that, sir. Still, did you guys ever watched
Speaker 1: The Apprentice? I had a catchphrase? I watched the one
Speaker 1: with Arnold Swartzenegger had a catch phrase on the show.
Speaker 1: I would like to to say to both of you,
Speaker 1: is it? Is it what I think it is? Sir?
Speaker 1: They're spaghetti on your shirt? Close? Okay, Okay, someone's gotta
Speaker 1: unwrapped this helicopter. Then Stevie and Jeff, what the hell
Speaker 1: happened to the helicopter? Is my alago? Well it was
Speaker 1: a big mix up, sir. We're very very sorry. But
Speaker 1: we've ordered in seven other helicopters in various states, so
Speaker 1: one will hopefully meet your approvals. Right, And why are
Speaker 1: there only six? But get to KFC on my desk.
Speaker 1: I had one, you had one. I had one of
Speaker 1: the boots. The truth is we can get another one
Speaker 1: to replace that bucket, and it'll be even fresher when
Speaker 1: you make your way to seven buckets at all times.
Speaker 1: How many times I have to say that we're really sorry.
Speaker 1: We were just going for a while and I just
Speaker 1: got I got hungry in the one show towel. Well,
Speaker 1: if you got hungry, that's okay. As Mr President, I
Speaker 1: know it's Uh. You cannot declare war on Kentucky. Keep talking,
Speaker 1: you cannot. You You were presented with six buckets of chicken,
Speaker 1: and you just declared war on national television against Kentucky.
Speaker 1: Kentucky is what I'm on your side? Mr Preston. The colonel,
Speaker 1: it's Colonel Sanders. God, I've never seen it in person. Technically,
Speaker 1: technically I'm a senator. You know what, fine, I'm Colonel Sanders.
Speaker 1: Will that make it easier for you idiots? Oh my god? Colonel?
Speaker 1: Can I ask you a couple of questions? Sure? Mr President?
Speaker 1: What would be the worst thing that could happen if
Speaker 1: I did level Kentucky? Uh? Well you do. We have
Speaker 1: great cities like Louisville and Lexington. We would kill a
Speaker 1: lot of people. I mean, you got bourbon. We do
Speaker 1: have bourbon pretty much all in horses. Yes, we have
Speaker 1: bourbon and horses. Answer the question. I'm answering the question.
Speaker 1: I'm a Senate. I do, is I damn well? Please?
Speaker 1: So if we wanted to move the bourbon and the
Speaker 1: horses to the adjoining state and take that away from
Speaker 1: Kentucky to Utah border, I can't. I can't believe that
Speaker 1: I endorsed you. I can't believe I let you do
Speaker 1: all the ship you do. Just well, let me ask
Speaker 1: you another question. What are you willing to do for
Speaker 1: me if I let Kentucky live? Are you holding Kentucky hostage? Mr? President?
Speaker 1: Answer the question. I believe I've done all that I
Speaker 1: can for you. I have grid locked, the Senate approved
Speaker 1: your judges. Are you gonna poop your pants? Is that
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen? You're gonna poop your pants? Is that right?
Speaker 1: Your pants? It seems like he's gonna miss President. Did
Speaker 1: you watch Nikki's shits on the Tonight Show last night?
Speaker 1: Kids funny? It's funny, that's not funny? In this funny
Speaker 1: and this kid's funny. If if I shipped my pants deliberately,
Speaker 1: will you not level Kentucky and then we gotta do?
Speaker 1: Then I, Senator Mitch McConnell of the Great State of
Speaker 1: Kentucky shell in this very moment ship my pants. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know you're thinking, Okay, yeah, there's a report coming
Speaker 1: out that Mitch McConnell ship his pants. Okay, now I
Speaker 1: get it, all right, there's rumors flying everywhere. There's rumors
Speaker 1: flying around that I piste and shipped my pants and
Speaker 1: they're not true. And guess what if they are true?
Speaker 1: So what that's a man's right, he's a senator. Okay. Second,
Speaker 1: fucking wires and and if you know this from the
Speaker 1: beginning to the end, you know that that humans have
Speaker 1: a very sensitive body that that but sometimes poops it
Speaker 1: out and something to piece it in. So it's not
Speaker 1: a it's not a negative, it's a positive. Hold the
Speaker 1: we gotta go to commercial and then we'll be right
Speaker 1: back news. It's what you want to see, all right,
Speaker 1: we're back, and it's it's it's the it's the idea
Speaker 1: that these things that they're they're they're they're not there,
Speaker 1: They're they're not Fox News. It's what you want to see. Ah,
Speaker 1: we've lost another butt. What what are we doing doing?
Speaker 1: The problem is that we don't have any advertisers anymore.
Speaker 1: So when they're overheating because they're constantly in use. Usually
Speaker 1: we used to have a break like two or three minutes.
Speaker 1: Could I see the types of some auditions and we
Speaker 1: can figure out who can replace this? Okay, okay, all right,
Speaker 1: it's uh, show me whichever one you got. Okay, here
Speaker 1: we go. I'm gonna push play on this. This one's
Speaker 1: a little bit you'd say, over the top, let's play.
Speaker 1: You know, hands are too expensive nowadays. If you've got
Speaker 1: a price gun, you can make them one set. So
Speaker 1: it's kind of a contextual joke. You know, it's a
Speaker 1: believe it or not. A lot of the the host
Speaker 1: anchor audition tapes are from comedians. Uh, that's great. This
Speaker 1: job as a as a joke. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: It does? Let's show me one of them. Okay, another
Speaker 1: one that was? Okay, another one, Well, this one's a
Speaker 1: borderline offensive. Let me push play on this next tape
Speaker 1: here for you. I used to work in children's television,
Speaker 1: can you believe it? And then I went to rehabit
Speaker 1: Real rock Bottom for Bailey's My Bailey's fans out there,
Speaker 1: you know, thank you so much. I love it when
Speaker 1: the studio crew applies me and then you know what
Speaker 1: everyone's saying, my catch praise with me? Well we can
Speaker 1: so it just feels like when we fire the kids,
Speaker 1: is what I'm saying. Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll bring her in for Monday. Can you please send
Speaker 1: word to the White House that we're going to have
Speaker 1: a new bot ready to go by Monday. Well, she's
Speaker 1: still human. We'll have to gut her and then put
Speaker 1: the robot pieces into. I thought that was just the
Speaker 1: euphemism where we're using Oh no, no, no, no, it's
Speaker 1: we have to take all the human pieces out and
Speaker 1: put inside of it robot. Why do we have to
Speaker 1: do that, because that's what makes them a robot. I
Speaker 1: don't know what. I can't keep working like this is insane.
Speaker 1: This is such a tight first schedule. I can't be
Speaker 1: able to put some scenes inside the people. We need
Speaker 1: this robot ready for Monday's news. Oh if you needed
Speaker 1: for Monday's morning, No, da, Mr Mosk, I really need
Speaker 1: you to finish this robots. So you really need me
Speaker 1: to what are you know what? I'm gonna take a break. Hello,
Speaker 1: when will you come home? Oh my god, it's my clone.
Speaker 1: I'll come home in a bit. Missing you. I know
Speaker 1: you are missing you. We're going to watch everybody loves
Speaker 1: even No, you're not. You're not going to miss no.
Speaker 1: I watch episode to get up with you. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: skip ahead. Yeah yeah, I watch you calm on my watch.
Speaker 1: If you skip ahead, I swear I would fucking drain
Speaker 1: on pular jaw. I mean, maybe it's because you have
Speaker 1: too many calls during the work that I just have
Speaker 1: a multi billion dollar enterprise. I cages myself. What do
Speaker 1: you do? How you give me messages? You smell like ship?
Speaker 1: You know that. I'm sorry you should be. It's just
Speaker 1: been a long weekend. I haven't got a chance to shower.
Speaker 1: A lot abouts going up. I don't need to know.
Speaker 1: I don't need to know, but I would like to
Speaker 1: tell you to Okay, I'll do it this lady, I'll
Speaker 1: put wires in okay, yeah, can we he read this up?
Speaker 1: I'm half human and half robot over here? Yeah? Fine, okay, fine,
Speaker 1: thank you? Yeah, so he did a German accident. You
Speaker 1: called me Elon Musk? Is that which is happening? Said
Speaker 1: Mr Musk? Could have been. I didn't hear the I
Speaker 1: didn't hear myself speak out for today, Let's thank our
Speaker 1: alchemists and no particular order Joey Workings. Find you. They
Speaker 1: can find me at the West Side Comedy Theater. Gotta
Speaker 1: show called Bear Supply wedstid Comedy Theater dot com. What's that?
Speaker 1: Comedy dot com? Was every second and fourth Wednesday a
Speaker 1: nine o'clock and you're on the social is at Jeffy
Speaker 1: Greeper at Jebby Greeper any particular spelling or just folks
Speaker 1: figure j e b b y g r e b
Speaker 1: e R. I didn't get any of that. H James
Speaker 1: Eeney Bear Supply with Joey. Also just go to the
Speaker 1: real James c dot com. You'll find all my content
Speaker 1: information there. Thank you so much for being here, both
Speaker 1: of you. Mark Gag, Yes, I am on Twitter at
Speaker 1: Mark GAG's uh the last Wednesday of every month. You
Speaker 1: can see me at Dynasty Typewriter. Uh. And also Blood
Speaker 1: and Treasure now streaming on Amazon Prime. Nice Amazon Prime.
Speaker 1: Those are some good folks, right, aren't they? You really are.
Speaker 1: Jenn Murray, thanks so much for joining us. Thank you
Speaker 1: for having me so much damn fun working folks. Find
Speaker 1: you and look up shows you might be doing. Uh,
Speaker 1: second and fourth Wednesday before Bear Supply Comedy Theater. Stay
Speaker 1: at all and then on the Grand Jennifer lyn Murray
Speaker 1: one in in Lynne nice, very nice, and Carl Stratton. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Also at the Westside Comedy Theater quite a bit, pretty
Speaker 1: pretty pony first Thursday of the month at ten pm
Speaker 1: with several people that you know from this podcast, and
Speaker 1: how soon before your life turns to hell for uh
Speaker 1: S Sketch Fest in January. It is about to turn
Speaker 1: to that right now. Yeah, we're about to go. I
Speaker 1: know this will be your long since passed but outside
Speaker 1: Lance is coming up. Once that's done, then it's a
Speaker 1: hardcore planning for the festival, right on, right on. Well,
Speaker 1: thanks for joining us. As always, let's thank our engineer
Speaker 1: the Stars Doug Babe and our post sound design artist
Speaker 1: Raphael our producer Sophie Lichterman's of course I heart media.
Speaker 1: I encourage I'll me to write a review. Tell everyone
Speaker 1: you've ever met and write to us at your name
Speaker 1: here talc me to this dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock.
Speaker 1: Until next time, and food and a football pepper and
Speaker 1: I pull