Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
Speaker 1: here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who is
Speaker 1: off shooting the super secret Hush Hush prequel to the
Speaker 1: Marvelous Mrs Mazel entitled When Midge Was Just a Smidge.
Speaker 1: I know, right, I'm running out of jokes there before
Speaker 1: we get to our Alchemists introductions. There is a very
Speaker 1: strong chance that this episode could be interrupted by a
Speaker 1: fire alarm. The building is being tested today sometime between
Speaker 1: eleven and six. We are this is the first, so
Speaker 1: we'll see what happens with chaos breaks loose, we'll know
Speaker 1: do we have to leave the building? Yeah, that's the
Speaker 1: general idea of a fire drill. The fire departments were
Speaker 1: doing a full drill. It's loud. Oh you want to
Speaker 1: leave it? Yep. So when that happens, hopefully we're at
Speaker 1: the end of the episode or not at all. But
Speaker 1: let's meet our Alchemists show with him now that you've
Speaker 1: been warned he's the man with the Midas touch and
Speaker 1: that he turns everything he touches into break pads. Joe Joey,
Speaker 1: what's your dream car? Oh man? Probably uh sports uh
Speaker 1: tuscan turns summer with a hashbash and a four speed
Speaker 1: grogor candy uple red only Mint b Mint. Next up,
Speaker 1: a noted biographer of Olsen's Mary Kate and Ashley Vanessa
Speaker 1: Raglan The Pleasures Mind the any particular segment of the
Speaker 1: Olsen's lives you're writing about currently? Um, I can't stop
Speaker 1: digging deeper into how the West was fun? So how
Speaker 1: was it fun? You know? A myriad of way? Truly,
Speaker 1: We'll get ready to Craig against the machine. It's Craig, Craig.
Speaker 1: What music makes you want to get up and fight
Speaker 1: the system? Neil Diamond. He's got a song called hell
Speaker 1: Yeah that really motivates nic and I'm not joking. Next
Speaker 1: ship giggles time someone says they fingered someone in a
Speaker 1: police lineup? Carlo, Carlo, what part of detective work you
Speaker 1: think you'd be good at? Oh my god, I'm so
Speaker 1: blown away by that intertext. I would be great at
Speaker 1: bringing baked goods to people that I was questioning, would
Speaker 1: be more cooperative, that's true hospitality. And finally, he runs
Speaker 1: a fantasy football league, but not the kind you think.
Speaker 1: James Heeney, Who's gonna be the topic this year? Gandalf,
Speaker 1: Mr Tumnus, a ball rock or someone else. Definitely a
Speaker 1: ball rock. Toy mean candle is good, but a ball
Speaker 1: rock if you get enough of the well it's a
Speaker 1: demon from the depths. I have no recollection. It's an
Speaker 1: old hate. It's from Lord of the Rings. But didn't
Speaker 1: Gandalf defeat the ball rocks? Like why would you? He
Speaker 1: got lucky that there was a bridge at the right time.
Speaker 1: When you're out on a mutant league football field, there's
Speaker 1: no bridge to drop back periods starting QB. You're gonna lose,
Speaker 1: shall not pass? You know? Thanks? Even think? Is the
Speaker 1: alarm going on? All right, let's get to our first
Speaker 1: see it after all that and madness. All of today's
Speaker 1: scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd
Speaker 1: like to submit yours, please write to the podcast at
Speaker 1: your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
Speaker 1: name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first suggestion, Hey,
Speaker 1: Alchemy this love the podcast. Often listen to it going
Speaker 1: to and from rehearsals at our community theater. Great stuff.
Speaker 1: Here's a scenario for you. A group of frogs are
Speaker 1: sitting around the pond on a lovely summer to day
Speaker 1: when a duck arrives at disturbing news. He's heard that
Speaker 1: there are species of frogs is rapidly going extinct. Shocked
Speaker 1: and panic, the frogs first try to find out who
Speaker 1: among them is to blame for this catastrophe, then put
Speaker 1: their little frog brains together to figure out how to
Speaker 1: reverse the situation we already didn't. Thanks for the last Stephen,
Speaker 1: All right, I just gotta take care of that frog.
Speaker 1: And if you take care of the frog, will get
Speaker 1: you a dog. Okay, I want a dog. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: gotta make sure that you could take care of the
Speaker 1: frog before I get you a dog. Look, there's a here.
Speaker 1: Look okay, I was gonna give this your Christmas. But
Speaker 1: here's whole bunch of other frogs. Okay, they go a
Speaker 1: little fair. Just take care of the sweeart. Your father
Speaker 1: spent his last paycheck on all these frogs to make
Speaker 1: you happy. I didn't never want any frog, okay, But
Speaker 1: like he's said a million times, want to take a dog, Beggy.
Speaker 1: This is my last paycheck, the last paycheck. He's never
Speaker 1: going to get a job again. Do you understand has
Speaker 1: no real skills. Look, I got to go on the road.
Speaker 1: But did I do the roach? I gotta go funds work. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Wait, it's not like you're going on like frogs.
Speaker 1: You're in a band. You're going on the road with
Speaker 1: the band. I just got hired as a guy, almost
Speaker 1: hired for a little bit to get some money. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're gonna leave me with your daughter? It's our child.
Speaker 1: Do you know how you can show your life? I
Speaker 1: don't think that she's going to really help us. I
Speaker 1: feel like we're on her own now. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: neither trouble. I think that we were much better off
Speaker 1: at the pond. Ribbit, are you guys? You guys feel
Speaker 1: like we're in danger? Like I don't know that the
Speaker 1: ribbit that she's really handling me. Well, I don't think
Speaker 1: she's handling me well either. I feel like my skin
Speaker 1: is trying out. I need a little bit of war
Speaker 1: in the aquarium. She just put butter on my legs.
Speaker 1: I had the hiccup. So I'm sorry, Sts of Water,
Speaker 1: Derek and Drinke Ribbit, I should scare you. That's a
Speaker 1: good idea. Okay. Um, Well, if he's prepared for the
Speaker 1: skirt's not gonna work. Well, Ribbit, it's gonna happen at
Speaker 1: a time he doesn't expect it. Okay, good idea. Let's
Speaker 1: not talking about it for a while and then ribb it.
Speaker 1: You know it will happen when at least expect thanks, ribbit.
Speaker 1: I think that we should try to escape. Did you
Speaker 1: just transform? Huh? Ribbit? What what are you looking at me?
Speaker 1: I just think that we should try to get away
Speaker 1: before it's too late. Okay, we gotta orchestrate it carefully, mom,
Speaker 1: Look at them? Look at them? Do you see what
Speaker 1: I see? I just got a revolver and meet the dresser.
Speaker 1: If you need to sell something that is what if
Speaker 1: I shoot you with it? Can you show me with
Speaker 1: And how am I going to get on the road
Speaker 1: with these guys? Okay? I got moneys planning something. I
Speaker 1: knew what I married, and a guitar player that my
Speaker 1: life was going to be a big fat come on.
Speaker 1: You fell in love with the music, You fell in
Speaker 1: love with the instrument, you fell in love with the players.
Speaker 1: I fell in love with the music, that's for sure. Good.
Speaker 1: I think there's a big pool, a big pool in
Speaker 1: that room over there. I think we can go into
Speaker 1: it and go down Okay. Uh, we gotta make a
Speaker 1: break for it. But when she's not expecting it, or
Speaker 1: if we all go at the same time, they won't
Speaker 1: be able to catch us in. At least one will survive, Ribbit.
Speaker 1: We can escape via water or ribbit land because we're amphibious. Sure,
Speaker 1: but I don't know any other escape route. There's clearly
Speaker 1: a hole at the bottom of that bowl. Well I see,
Speaker 1: yeah that, Let's try that pool. Let's try that pool. Sure. Look,
Speaker 1: I don't care. I'm gonna leave my briefcads open a
Speaker 1: little longer and knick knacks I finding to remind me
Speaker 1: of all. I'm gonna just just a little support, just
Speaker 1: a little support. I think that are not well good. Okay,
Speaker 1: so that's initiative. You know they don't even have towels,
Speaker 1: ribb it. Guys, guys, you gotta help me. She's crushing me.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, there's nothing we can do for God,
Speaker 1: I don't scare me, quick scare me? How can I
Speaker 1: scare you up myself? Oh god? Oh, it's just kissing me, Ribby,
Speaker 1: She's kissing me. I'm not going to turn in anything, kid,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to turn in anything. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: give rewards. Do we do that? Look at her. She's
Speaker 1: kissing the frog like it's going to turn into a prince,
Speaker 1: just like you, prince, prince the musician. Mom, great, we're
Speaker 1: educating or she knows the terrible do not do not
Speaker 1: kiss the musician. Do not tell the musician. It's turning
Speaker 1: me back to kiss a musician. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: she falls in love with the musician in my life. Okay, wow, alright,
Speaker 1: you know what. I don't think this frog could handle me.
Speaker 1: What happened to Okay, I'm trying to kiss you back.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try to kiss him back. Frog. Can I
Speaker 1: talk to the frog for a second. Let me just
Speaker 1: see the listen. Okay, you respect my daughter? Okay, you
Speaker 1: get that? Oh good, you get that. What's happening another
Speaker 1: one of these creatures? Pick me up. He's yelling at me.
Speaker 1: You listen up, and you listen good. Okay. I think
Speaker 1: this is actually really great. I haven't seen him this
Speaker 1: emotional in years. He seems so present. My little girl
Speaker 1: I fell in love with You're gonna love my little girl,
Speaker 1: all right? Oh God? Trying to keeping of the pool,
Speaker 1: getting the pool will never forget at you that's a
Speaker 1: dead frog. You go, honey, Sorry, let's cook it up. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna jump in first. You're gonna phone you bet,
Speaker 1: you bet. I'll be right behind you. Okay, here we go. Wait, well, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go. I'll be back in a morning. Love you,
Speaker 1: I love you. Where where's your doing? And then go?
Speaker 1: It's me and you mom. We have nothing in common,
Speaker 1: nothing at all. M M. Do you like your highness Ribbit,
Speaker 1: Your highness ribbitbit croake. I'm sorry to disturb your meal,
Speaker 1: but gri word from the gate pond is that some
Speaker 1: of our citizens are ribbit are being taken in the night.
Speaker 1: What ribbit, ribbon ribbit, Some of our citizens be ribbit
Speaker 1: taken Ribbit Night in the ribbon Rabbit, night in the ribbon,
Speaker 1: Ribbit night. I don't understand what you being taken? Ribbitts night? Yeah,
Speaker 1: re night? What was your name? Night? Flows flit night
Speaker 1: philosoplit some grass super I've just gotten back from the
Speaker 1: from the outside world. Congratulations, transforming. No, I'm not truf
Speaker 1: and Jesus. We had to escape. But they've killed one
Speaker 1: of us. What they kissed us death and then crushed them.
Speaker 1: But only two of us escaped. You know what this means,
Speaker 1: sund the alarm Highness, Why do you believe this? Man? Huh?
Speaker 1: You're always checking me on? You and I fall for
Speaker 1: us every time, don't I don't you want to war? Shamus?
Speaker 1: Why not gone to the old again? Don't you disgust
Speaker 1: me and like me? Let's have a war, a little war,
Speaker 1: but against the dream. We've just been murdered by human.
Speaker 1: We don't know? That could be a tale of yarn
Speaker 1: is it's a tale of yar. Tale of yarn. I
Speaker 1: saw him get picked up and first kissed by an
Speaker 1: adolescent girl. I too, had seen a human pick them up.
Speaker 1: It's true. Witness someone's scary. Please Stephanie, get away from
Speaker 1: the window. Look at all those frogs out there. That's happening, Mommy.
Speaker 1: They're they're they're everywhere. They're in lines, they're bouncing to walk,
Speaker 1: they're bouncing torch, they're singing something sawar. I mean it's
Speaker 1: frog speak. Why would we be able to understand what?
Speaker 1: I don't know? Mommy? Do you have a spear? I
Speaker 1: have a I have a revolver. Your dad, well, King toad.
Speaker 1: Word is that the frogs are challenging the humans to
Speaker 1: a battle. And the enemy of our enemy is our friend.
Speaker 1: Therefore we must defend the humans against the frogs. Check
Speaker 1: the math checks out. I agree. Get the forces ready.
Speaker 1: Start with the archers. The archers, Yes, we haven't used
Speaker 1: them in years, and they will not be hurt. All right, Oh,
Speaker 1: get away from that other window. They're grabbing pebbles and
Speaker 1: there putting them in the maths at the window and breaking. Gosh, wait,
Speaker 1: get the gun, Get on. I have the gun. I
Speaker 1: have the gun. There's just so many of them. I
Speaker 1: don't think I have enough bullets. Archers. Okay, I got
Speaker 1: for a lot taste for everybody. Just want to say
Speaker 1: I'm really excited about the show tonight, and I love
Speaker 1: the band. And I was supposed to have non dairy
Speaker 1: creeper in mine. The fund is this. I'm sorry. My
Speaker 1: head was just somewhere else. Was thinking of my kid.
Speaker 1: I wanted a red ball, right, I wanted a red ball.
Speaker 1: Have a kid and a wife. You're boasting? Yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: you know those who not want don't ask what are
Speaker 1: you saying? It's a poem from Garfield? No, it's not.
Speaker 1: Um the worst roady we've ever had. Yeah, I was
Speaker 1: hoping I could just play guitar something with. We have
Speaker 1: a guitarist, guitarist also guitarist. You have two guitarists already,
Speaker 1: and my shred. I know you'll you'll nasty. I just
Speaker 1: I got a wife and kid. I can't believe you
Speaker 1: left your wife and kid. Why do you have many
Speaker 1: on your cheeks? I pick you got a lot of
Speaker 1: heel bros. Check out this twitch feed, man, this house
Speaker 1: is under attack. Bro. Every kind of amphibian bro checking
Speaker 1: his live twitch feed has got a lot of views.
Speaker 1: I've got the counter. That's my house. That's my house.
Speaker 1: Whatever sound to draw. I'm the war to night. The
Speaker 1: frogs get dimensions, project me, protect me, stay behind the wall.
Speaker 1: Just throw things at them in the sails. Oh dear god,
Speaker 1: did you see that arrow from we toad? Just have fun,
Speaker 1: you frogs? Fucking tony. Here, Look there's more frogs. Frogs.
Speaker 1: They're bigger, they're browner, they're definitely to hey, frogs. Quack,
Speaker 1: you're all gonna die. Quack. It's the duck on. Mother,
Speaker 1: always speak count out the salamanders. Mom, what the fuck
Speaker 1: it's the happening? Ducks? Did you get did you get ducks.
Speaker 1: I found a duck. I didn't know I was in
Speaker 1: biting a whole our mom, o, hump pomp, Hi stole
Speaker 1: the door mat right over right? Oh that worked. My
Speaker 1: hiccups are god. And that's the first scene. Lord, which
Speaker 1: side with the salamanders? We'll never know? Great question? Alright?
Speaker 1: Our second scene suggestions? Hey, how chemist, here's my scene suggestion.
Speaker 1: A live televised hardcore dad joke competition. I love the show.
Speaker 1: Anonymous from Vancouver, Canada. Welcome back mom, parents and he
Speaker 1: it's me Tipsy Matt, and I am so excited to
Speaker 1: be hosting Dad Dad Dad, And we're live in five Jim, Jim,
Speaker 1: you already told me we were live. Oh my god. Hello,
Speaker 1: well she thought we were alive. I guess we're dead. Now.
Speaker 1: That's great. That's great coming to a five from you
Speaker 1: from Vancouver. Right, that's right. I'm Chuck Blanton from Vancouver, BC. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm recovering. I'm Canadian Emma, and I'm a dad. Oh
Speaker 1: and and who do you crack up? Chuck? Chuck? Sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm not in the Oh. No, that's good. That's good.
Speaker 1: I've heard of Chuck before. I'd like to think I
Speaker 1: crack up, my wife and my three teenage kids. Oh,
Speaker 1: let's see a picture of them chuck seeing us. So,
Speaker 1: how was your day at work? Sweetheart? How is my
Speaker 1: day at work? Well, it was no play. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you that much. Okay. I know that you have this
Speaker 1: whole television show coming up next week, but you really know,
Speaker 1: are there any food? Is there? Any food? Is there any? Yes,
Speaker 1: there's food in front of you. I got friends coming over,
Speaker 1: Can dad hide? How about a pizza? Pizza? Pizza? A
Speaker 1: pizza pizza? All right, so your dad's doing it. So
Speaker 1: what was the joke their dad? What was the piece
Speaker 1: of kind of sounds like pizza. Look, I don't want
Speaker 1: to write anything, he chuck. Uh, great work so far.
Speaker 1: We're loving everything. You're doing, great ideas. But we noticed
Speaker 1: there's a lot, a lot of work happening at the desk. No,
Speaker 1: I will, I will us, there's a lot. Just tell
Speaker 1: him what all work and no play makes check a
Speaker 1: dull boy. Huh, all right, that's kind of what I
Speaker 1: wanted to talk to. Just tell him you've got to
Speaker 1: stop laughing. You have to get it together. It reminds
Speaker 1: me of my dad, and uh, you gotta stop that. Okay,
Speaker 1: because it's not a good memory. What I'm not supposed
Speaker 1: to tell jokes because I remind you of your dad.
Speaker 1: You're not supposed to tell jokes because we don't work
Speaker 1: at a joke factory. Chuck, all right, check? Are you
Speaker 1: sure you want to do this? It's a competition. If
Speaker 1: think you know you're cheating, you'll be in trouble. All right,
Speaker 1: but I I need good dad jokes? All right? Here?
Speaker 1: What do you These are the popsicle sticks you wanted? Here?
Speaker 1: You go? Great? Nice? Really, there's some some really good
Speaker 1: ones on. Okay, there's some hot stuff. Yeah, let's brown
Speaker 1: and sticky? A stick? Lead with that? What do I
Speaker 1: owe you? Uh? Okay? And now we're in the lightning round.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be Chuck versus Dan, Dan hit us? Uh? Well?
Speaker 1: What is what is brown? What is sticky? Why are
Speaker 1: we starting with Da? Why are we starting with Dan?
Speaker 1: Because we ended with Dan last round? And that's how
Speaker 1: the game isn't make sense? Hey, Chuck, chill out, Chuck,
Speaker 1: we're lawing on TV. Dad. You're so good out there today.
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. I want to take you
Speaker 1: into my school and introduce you to all my friends.
Speaker 1: You know what. I love that I have Thurst day off.
Speaker 1: Do you think that they'd have time for your dad
Speaker 1: to come in and hang with the kids. We have
Speaker 1: so much time. Schools boring, I'm not surprised, just boring, okay.
Speaker 1: And we have Brianna's father here because my dad everybody,
Speaker 1: and I don't think he's a doctor. And but I
Speaker 1: would just say hello to the class everybody. I'm usually
Speaker 1: I shouldn't say this because it's a secret, but so
Speaker 1: it is. It's part of a joke. It's part of
Speaker 1: a joke. I wanted to show you that Barney animals.
Speaker 1: That's why I called a little biggy. Hold on one second, funny,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what's wrong? What the hell was that? Just
Speaker 1: just cover yourself please, Okay, I've got my hand over
Speaker 1: it away. Are you sure you want to do this?
Speaker 1: It's a competition. You'll never find out, so secretive. Thank you?
Speaker 1: Alright then? And sticky, that's pretty good. That's stick well,
Speaker 1: I'm reading it right now. Okay, So the setup is
Speaker 1: what's brown? And what is sticky? Do any of our
Speaker 1: moms have many guesses? Um? Roll? Okay, great guess Carol, poop, Linda, No,
Speaker 1: it's not poop, Linda, Okay, sorry, stick covered with maple syrup? All,
Speaker 1: what do we have? Dan? Well, honestly, I really it's
Speaker 1: so far. It's just a stick. So the maple syrup
Speaker 1: is unnecessary. Stick covered in poop? Where where'd you get
Speaker 1: those jokes? Something? The suck up? You should suck up up?
Speaker 1: Where'd you go jokes like? Kind? I'm sorry, we're going
Speaker 1: to commercial in three two? Weren't already in commercial? You
Speaker 1: signaled that we were in commercial. I'm signaling to people.
Speaker 1: But what is wrong with you? You come here? You
Speaker 1: come here? What's wrong with you? You leave that kid alone?
Speaker 1: He's doing the best in kid. You come here too? Hey? Oh,
Speaker 1: you can't handle a few little punches from a nice
Speaker 1: lady the one's supposed to be doing all the punchlines, lady,
Speaker 1: good one. Dan, save it for when we're on air,
Speaker 1: did you? Oh? Stop? I don't believe you. We welcome
Speaker 1: back to the Dad's Dad's Dad's internationale Joke Competition and
Speaker 1: we are still with with Dan and we're still on Dan. Chuck,
Speaker 1: it's your turn. Relax, here you go. Everybody give it
Speaker 1: up for Chuck from Vancouver Pizza. Pizza Pizza is I
Speaker 1: could go for a pizza. Pizza. What's your choke, Chuck,
Speaker 1: What's what's my choke? I stuttered, but I meant to say,
Speaker 1: what's your joke? Well, if you said what's your choke,
Speaker 1: then I would just stay a choke. Color color boy.
Speaker 1: The police are really coloring some criminals, hardened criminals. They
Speaker 1: must have all fallen in cement. I didn't. I mean
Speaker 1: to get him to the e R right now in
Speaker 1: a tup on. I t p. Okay, we gotta make
Speaker 1: sure that this is dilated and go in there. All right,
Speaker 1: you're down with you coming to okay, not nurse. I
Speaker 1: need a scalpl I need my mistake. Now. Look, I
Speaker 1: needed to pop tarts, none of them frosted. I need
Speaker 1: loose milk. I am, and I'm working my way up.
Speaker 1: All right, everyone back up. Now, we need a ten
Speaker 1: mile radius for this person to breathe. You need some
Speaker 1: loose milk. I got a lactating mom. I can show you. Jesus. Okay,
Speaker 1: he's going off the road with dad. Jokes here. Everyone
Speaker 1: call I'm Dan. I'm gonna alright, so class. This is
Speaker 1: Danielle's father. He's the countdown guy on a popular television show.
Speaker 1: Isn't that right, sir? He counts down. That's my dad.
Speaker 1: Do you want to tell us about your job, sir?
Speaker 1: Bring your dad to work to school? Day? Yeah. Recently
Speaker 1: one into the requ room and saw um one of
Speaker 1: the producers doing online of blow on the table, and honestly,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. In five or three two, now you can begin.
Speaker 1: I went to the sorry about that. Let me get
Speaker 1: the other one out. Um, let's start over in one too,
Speaker 1: three four? Wait when do you want me to go?
Speaker 1: What do you want me to do? Well, you're the expert.
Speaker 1: I'm just up, oh god, and crying on what's going on?
Speaker 1: This game show is coming up? And so much pressure?
Speaker 1: Oh god, let's get out of the country. God, I
Speaker 1: need the paycheck. I need the paycheck. Okay, I can't
Speaker 1: just get a regular job and do what. I don't
Speaker 1: know the doctor. No, that's not a regular job. That's
Speaker 1: a hard job. Come on, God, I'm sorry, day fuck fuck,
Speaker 1: I'll support us, I'll support you can't I will I
Speaker 1: can't do what being a training German retrievers to do what?
Speaker 1: And youra pacup in five four, three to one? Okay,
Speaker 1: what did you learn from that? Repressed memory? All right,
Speaker 1: and you wake up three to one. Oh my god?
Speaker 1: Oh uh what the fuck? Yeah, you're you're you're getting therapy. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. I am sorry. Um did you hear what
Speaker 1: I screamed? Up? Everything was screamed? Oh yeah, that's been
Speaker 1: on my mind for a while. I am. I've been
Speaker 1: thinking to myself as uh, it's just a piece of ship.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just don't think I'm worth anything,
Speaker 1: and I don't think that I'm good at my job
Speaker 1: or that people who recognize me for what I do
Speaker 1: or my worth. Well, maybe this'll pick up your spirits
Speaker 1: a little bit. What's brown and sticky? Um stick? Covered
Speaker 1: with maple syrup? Doctor? Are you sure you want to
Speaker 1: do this? It doesn't make sense. Needs jokes, I need jokes,
Speaker 1: all right, you ran out of popsicle sticks. But here's
Speaker 1: some laughy tappy rappers. This should help you. Laffy taffy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so this is good? Yes? What's green and flies through
Speaker 1: the air? Super pickle facking? Read it? Yes, that's the
Speaker 1: kind of great a stuff you're getting from here. What's
Speaker 1: green and flies through the air? Say again, what's green
Speaker 1: and flies through the air? Green and flies? I have
Speaker 1: an accent. What's green and flies with the air? Fly?
Speaker 1: What's green and flies the locust? That's too literal. It's
Speaker 1: this is a joke. You're asking me super pick Oh
Speaker 1: what super pick oh? God? What super so in order
Speaker 1: to be a contestant on the show, Yes, telling dad
Speaker 1: jokes is important, but also being a father is important. Yes, exactly,
Speaker 1: it's it's dad jokes. So yeah, what do you want
Speaker 1: me to play your kid or something? Yes? Yes, what whatever?
Speaker 1: Whatever you want? Fine, you're gonna pay me, right, yes,
Speaker 1: I'll pay you whatever you want the need to be
Speaker 1: on dad's dad forty five year old man is your son?
Speaker 1: And this little boy? Okay, good enough? Sign the papers?
Speaker 1: Look what is that flings these guys? Super pickle? That
Speaker 1: I read that on a laffy taffy rapper? What? No,
Speaker 1: it's the original joke of mine. Okay, you can't cheat.
Speaker 1: Can't be a cheating I would not want cheat. Can't
Speaker 1: be a cheaty look just like a cheet chetter. I'm
Speaker 1: not the cheety chitter. You just let me and my
Speaker 1: old son on the show. The bathroom. Please don't go here,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Please don't Hey, I gotta go. I'm a
Speaker 1: kid look, uh is that right? Close enough? How are
Speaker 1: you doing an agent Marshal from a talent agent f
Speaker 1: D I? Oh yeah, wow, we have a realm make
Speaker 1: I'm likely used to last FBI agent I interacted with
Speaker 1: wolf Dog. Yeah, I ready reporters for a double homicide.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, get you seen. So we have reason to
Speaker 1: believe that there is a rampant cheating going on and
Speaker 1: fraud within this competition. You aren't implying chitty cheating, are you?
Speaker 1: That's exactly what I'm implying. Well, Agent, I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: didn't catch any marshal. Agent Marshal, I wouldn't know anything
Speaker 1: about that. Great. Great, So we're gonna have some agents
Speaker 1: walk around, do some We can't have any agents on set, okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, all right, we'll just be on the perimeter. Well,
Speaker 1: about tickets, so we can be in the audience. You
Speaker 1: can't be in the audience. Were about tickets, so it's
Speaker 1: not the tickets aren't for sale? Well how did we
Speaker 1: then some of them? So? Okay, I'm arresting you. What
Speaker 1: I'm arresting you? Please citizens around as you say another
Speaker 1: word about chitty cheating. It's going to get a lot
Speaker 1: worse than this. You know what they do to guys
Speaker 1: like you and the FI. I put so many people
Speaker 1: away into suck me up? Hey, what's stupid and in
Speaker 1: jail you? Oh god? Alright, students, So um we have
Speaker 1: Thomas's father is here today and he uh he makes
Speaker 1: up jokes for comedians. Isn't that correct, sir? Yeah, professional
Speaker 1: joke writer, tell us something funny. You want to see
Speaker 1: you write a joke right now? The stick one I
Speaker 1: really enjoyed that, Yeah, was brown and sticky. Well I
Speaker 1: have that on a popsicle stick once. Yeah, well they
Speaker 1: bought it from me. I wrote it. I'm a ghostwriter
Speaker 1: for popsicle sticks. It's impressive. Dad, How did you guy?
Speaker 1: I'm not actually dead? Al right, yeah I did. I'm dead.
Speaker 1: I was killed on a popsicle stick conveyor. Belt back
Speaker 1: in and I'm forever doomed to walk this earth selling
Speaker 1: jokes to hack dadol origin story. We've actually never had
Speaker 1: a ghost dad here before. That's very exciting. Call me
Speaker 1: ghost dad. This bad connotation that Bill Cosby movie. You're
Speaker 1: Bill Cosby. No, I'm not Cosby. I'm not that goes
Speaker 1: to Bill Cosby kids and you wake up in five
Speaker 1: four three two. What how did that feel? Mr Cosby
Speaker 1: L Bunware? I got this important for me to eat
Speaker 1: family stuff to the memory. Well, now I proclaim you
Speaker 1: completely rehability. That means I get a show rat. I
Speaker 1: can holdst the dad show. Sure, let's cut to that.
Speaker 1: Somebody count me down. That's one good old You're the
Speaker 1: one we've had of you. Why die on that hill?
Speaker 1: All right? Our final suggestion this afternoon, Good morning alchemists.
Speaker 1: This suggestion has brought to you, and it's part by
Speaker 1: a small cup of coffee and pop tarts. It's a
Speaker 1: sad breakfast anyhow. My suggestion is this James Heaty and
Speaker 1: his wild adventures with the random fox. He was told
Speaker 1: not to feed, Thanks Devin. Okay, okay, you gotta give
Speaker 1: that back to me. I wasn't supposed to feed you.
Speaker 1: Come on, come on, it's no like I don't gave
Speaker 1: it to me. It was a mistake. He gave it
Speaker 1: to me. Okay, Well, now we in this together. Got
Speaker 1: me more? Chicken Barnes, Hey, I don't have anything with
Speaker 1: me like my red tail. Mr listen, Oh Jesus, that's
Speaker 1: my hand Chicken Barnes. What if I just broke you out?
Speaker 1: Of this su right are you talking? Look at that
Speaker 1: over there. It's James Heeney again talking to the animal.
Speaker 1: This enclosure is amazing. I can't believe they have a
Speaker 1: Heeny here, so they're so rare. I think he's the
Speaker 1: last one. This is nuts. How do you propose we
Speaker 1: get out of here? You just happened to be thin
Speaker 1: enough to slip through scar on my show. Thank you?
Speaker 1: Come over here on me enough, I don't know, Get
Speaker 1: me way through the trees. Come into a nimble Look
Speaker 1: at this long nimbody. Fuck. I can squish my skull
Speaker 1: and I'm fine. Wow, that's I didn't expect that. So
Speaker 1: what were saying? I'm saying if you come into myself,
Speaker 1: I think that you could probably dig out underneath, because
Speaker 1: why you're not getting me out? You're telling me to
Speaker 1: get myself out. No, no, yeah, I'll help you get
Speaker 1: out if you dig the hole. I don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: both get out of the hole. I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to help you, just so sad. I mean
Speaker 1: like he needs a bigger enclosure. He really does. I
Speaker 1: did a book report on him last year, and um,
Speaker 1: one of the things that I found out about him
Speaker 1: is that he's a quiet murderer. Yeah, he quietly murders.
Speaker 1: It's it's so insane, but like it's obvious once you
Speaker 1: look at him. Of course, because he's in such a
Speaker 1: small enclosure. He's going banana. Look at these hands, Foxy,
Speaker 1: look at my teeth. I told you not to fade me,
Speaker 1: didn't I? But now you don't run out of chicken bar.
Speaker 1: And you're the only thing that I could call a friend.
Speaker 1: You're the only one I share a ball hard sell wall.
Speaker 1: You're the only thing I can call names stupid. Don't
Speaker 1: call me stupid? Oh no, you don't. You done fed
Speaker 1: the fox? Idiot? Yet? Done fed the fox? Mr curtain Um.
Speaker 1: There seems to be some individuals at the zoo. It
Speaker 1: looks like they're starting a petition to free Mr Heeney.
Speaker 1: And um, I don't know if you want me to
Speaker 1: squash that quick. Uh. And he's our most popular exhibit.
Speaker 1: I know, I love it. Um he's right next to
Speaker 1: the Australian Fox. Yes, yeah, yeah, uh. And they're wondering.
Speaker 1: I mean, from what I can hear, they want them
Speaker 1: in a bigger enclosure, maybe like a Safari experience or
Speaker 1: something with a h Safari experience. How the hell am
Speaker 1: I supposed to pay for that? Mr? Curtain were at
Speaker 1: San Diego? Mr Kurtain, I understand, would I know, Sir?
Speaker 1: I was. I was just relaying the information as it's happening.
Speaker 1: I want us to squash this protest as quickly as possible,
Speaker 1: all right, you know, I didn't want anything to go
Speaker 1: over and all right, like, well we can. We have
Speaker 1: in the budget to expand his enclosure by about tin
Speaker 1: square feet, Kurt, and I want you to be excited
Speaker 1: about it. I don't want to be something that's you're
Speaker 1: not excited about. Oh, we haven't a budget to expand
Speaker 1: his enclosure by tin square feet? How's that? L Wood?
Speaker 1: That's fine? Sound excited enough a little bit, Sir. I
Speaker 1: just all right, I can a shitty shitty zoo. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be upfront about that. I know, Sir. We
Speaker 1: do the best we can, but we have we have
Speaker 1: James Heeney free, James Heeney free, James Teney free, free James.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm so dehydrated at you. Hey, you
Speaker 1: know what, everyone start drink a little bit of my blood. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: there has to be a better option. I don't know.
Speaker 1: The waterfront's pretty far. Okay, have you ever thought that maybe,
Speaker 1: just maybe he isn't the last, Maybe there's other heenies out.
Speaker 1: I just I feel like I like the logic of
Speaker 1: this though, that makes sense. Don't just be one James
Speaker 1: cut deep? All right, I'm not that thirsty. But okay,
Speaker 1: a yeah, there's guy. If there is a way to
Speaker 1: find out more, we should. Okay, the diggings going well? Now,
Speaker 1: where's like chicken? Barnes? You said you want to get
Speaker 1: to eat to me? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm you're
Speaker 1: so thin thin, Emma, you're so thin when you standside,
Speaker 1: I can't see you. Good one, Okay, alright, come into myself,
Speaker 1: Come into myself. I'm not even a problem for me.
Speaker 1: I've got a model's bill. Don't not you do? It's fantastic.
Speaker 1: Run why it's an unattractive kind of skinny. I'm sore skinny. Now.
Speaker 1: What I'm hoping you can do is bills just fall
Speaker 1: off me. Don't buy well if you looking like a bag,
Speaker 1: look shake you could? Yes you could? Oh what isn't
Speaker 1: it time for he? He's three o'clock feeding? Yes? Mr?
Speaker 1: What are we feeding these we're lowering a cow into
Speaker 1: the enclosure, sir, great, great, all right, yeah, let me
Speaker 1: know when you do it, because I want to see that.
Speaker 1: I want to be there for that. Come on down, thick,
Speaker 1: build anything. Yeah, you don't mind if sharing them with
Speaker 1: the auzzy fox. You have too much blood on my muzzle. No,
Speaker 1: it's just the right amount of thank you, your majesty.
Speaker 1: They are taking they are taking us and feeding us
Speaker 1: to the hey whole. Yeah, what are they feeding us whole?
Speaker 1: A processing plan? They're feeding us whole? Well, then I
Speaker 1: believe it's a time for a bovi and wo try
Speaker 1: to feed me. I can't even move. This isn't the
Speaker 1: time for that, chuck. This is the time for war.
Speaker 1: Down the drums, women, I don't know. It sounds like
Speaker 1: a lot of bull not be derailed by a nonsense,
Speaker 1: Your majestie. They've declared Laura on the other enies. What
Speaker 1: we convinced them that you were the last? But he's
Speaker 1: not the last, and they've declared war. We gotta go
Speaker 1: help James Eady. There's another James Heeney. They're they're keeping
Speaker 1: a James Lee captain. Oh no, oh no, guys, we
Speaker 1: should all bond together. Where is this suit? Should should
Speaker 1: we get the archers? Yeah? I get the archers. Archers ready,
Speaker 1: archers ready, all right, everybody into the Ford Fiesta. I
Speaker 1: can't fit. I can't fit, Mr Mr Curtin, what's going
Speaker 1: on now? Wellwood? There seems to be an army, a
Speaker 1: legion of cows amassing in front of the zoo. And
Speaker 1: it looks like in the distance one Ford Fiesta with
Speaker 1: maybe two hundred James Heeney poking outside of it. Let
Speaker 1: me know when to get closer. Sorry, we're getting out
Speaker 1: right about now. This is good news. Can you fit
Speaker 1: three here? I mean too much? Cow? Does it look
Speaker 1: like I ate too much? I don't think you can
Speaker 1: fit through this hole? Lot and digging after that meal?
Speaker 1: Could you dig it a little wider? I could not
Speaker 1: dig it a little Look at my little bitty tawny
Speaker 1: skinny paws. You've bitten my hands up. Maybe I'll just
Speaker 1: take the extra off with my mouth. Little you down
Speaker 1: a bit? Oh, it's just swelling me up. James Dave,
Speaker 1: James j d more fun out casting my skull change
Speaker 1: as quick. There's a little tiny hole over here with
Speaker 1: you need to get an extend over here let's make
Speaker 1: a heinie stack. Guys, I've made some cows angry, but
Speaker 1: I've been eating them whole, so we're gonna have to
Speaker 1: defend ourselves against them. Wait what she just saying that?
Speaker 1: It's me, the original the real James doun the original names.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, wait, where are you guys going? We gotta
Speaker 1: get out of here. Where are you going? I don't
Speaker 1: know where? Cowards by? That's the true play. He does
Speaker 1: not pull gime. Why are you on the outside of
Speaker 1: the marshals on the outside, because let's draw it through
Speaker 1: the hall. Yeah, you can't leave me here? Oh yes
Speaker 1: I can. Oh well, I'm gonna come back every day
Speaker 1: and look at you through the bars. How about that?
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna be riding a cow. Yeah okay, Mr Curtin,
Speaker 1: what's going on now, Elwood? Well, the the cow's attacked
Speaker 1: and they ran over the majority of the heeness which exists,
Speaker 1: So it's not just one James Heeney and uh and
Speaker 1: the fox day escape the fox escape? Yes on account,
Speaker 1: God damn it. What about the protesters? Are they still there?
Speaker 1: They were trampled by the cow. Okay, well we've managed
Speaker 1: to evade that problem. Yes, Mr Curlin. I just I
Speaker 1: was digging through the archives, and it turns out Elwood's
Speaker 1: full name is Elwood Heeney. What must be a typo
Speaker 1: right here, You're a heeny No three Ellahini free, lad
Speaker 1: Heini free, el shitty zoo, you sons of bitches. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna keep this heiny in this enclosure. I lost my
Speaker 1: original heeny, but this hen he's gonna live here with
Speaker 1: this cow as long as I say that he does poor.
Speaker 1: I'm a hey. I'm a he Hey and he were
Speaker 1: living together. Now, knock knock, what's there interrupting cow? Okay,
Speaker 1: knock knock? What's there interrupting cow? Okay? Mon? What's there
Speaker 1: interrupting cow? And you'll wake up in five full three? Two?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Oh my god. How I felt like
Speaker 1: I was being engaged imprisoned. It would be awful, wouldn't
Speaker 1: it if if you were in prison with an interrupting cow. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it would have been, but it was It was more
Speaker 1: like a looped joke. Yeah, it would have been pretty bad.
Speaker 1: I felt like but I felt like I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: been in the cow room. I felt like I was
Speaker 1: still in the original room with the whole Oh you
Speaker 1: were in my dream word. You know what, It probably
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense to you because I was dreaming it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't get the watch your dream on the screen.
Speaker 1: It would be cool if you could. They're pretty awesome.
Speaker 1: They're like triple A budget dreams. I think the important
Speaker 1: takeaway here, Mr Heeny is that isn't it good that
Speaker 1: that you're not in a zoo? Yeah? It is. I'm
Speaker 1: just really glad. I've never been able to go to
Speaker 1: a psychologist or psycho therapy, whatever you are. This is great.
Speaker 1: I hope it's covered on my health insurance. Psychotherapist, you
Speaker 1: didn't check that ahead of time. If it's covered, well,
Speaker 1: I'm hoping that just the sense of letting me in
Speaker 1: means it's covered. Okay, that's something from my reception, like
Speaker 1: I don't I don't handle. You'll wake up in five, four,
Speaker 1: three to one. Oh my gosh, Richie, No, James, we're
Speaker 1: all here waiting for you. It's the James Reunion. Oh gosh.
Speaker 1: So okay, and you're James, and you're James, and I'm
Speaker 1: James James. I'm James James. I'm the real James. You
Speaker 1: know what, there's only enough room for one all right, Stephanie,
Speaker 1: Well you've really proven your responsibility with these frogs. So
Speaker 1: I told you your father and I we got you.
Speaker 1: We didn't get you a dog, but we did get
Speaker 1: you a James Keen And what was that? I was disappointed?
Speaker 1: Oh really, I thought you would be so excited my
Speaker 1: last check. It was his very last page check. What's
Speaker 1: your last check? Nobody had that gig with the musicians.
Speaker 1: Just want a dog, not a word? Guy covered in
Speaker 1: blood so cute, it's really it's the last one of
Speaker 1: his kind. Yeah, I made sure that I was really
Speaker 1: the last one this time. I'm a pretty responsibility for
Speaker 1: a kid. Well that's why exactly where you kind it's
Speaker 1: my last page check that you don't understand you're just
Speaker 1: a kid. But it's okay. I'll give you a hug,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. Don't hug him your mind that
Speaker 1: I'm just just generally usually nice guy. I want something loyal.
Speaker 1: I'm loyal. You should feed him. He's probably starving. I
Speaker 1: am starving, and i'd just food like you know, like
Speaker 1: corn an no no, no, not kipple, like Kimble's food,
Speaker 1: like chicken. I can't eat that. And you're all for
Speaker 1: the need to kill Jay, I mean run James, run
Speaker 1: Georgia's salamanders. You look at that little listard. What are
Speaker 1: you killing it? I gotta go fund working kill Please
Speaker 1: don't leave us a kid. What happened. Look, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: leave us kid, and I'm gonna get the little and
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna go all right, I won't. I won't
Speaker 1: forgive you this time. Come on, don't say that I
Speaker 1: love you the salamander. I can't eat eat the salamander.
Speaker 1: It's just as bad as I thought. Thank you, And
Speaker 1: that's our show over today. Let's go around and say, well,
Speaker 1: we're up to Alchemist Carla Kaski Carla Kakowski dot com,
Speaker 1: Vanessa Raglan. Yeah, I'm sorry about the show guy. What
Speaker 1: a weird thing everyone just had to go through. I
Speaker 1: love you. I don't have anything to plug, not on
Speaker 1: this episode. I'm not who you think I am. Craig Kakoski.
Speaker 1: If you got kids, like in the six to ten range,
Speaker 1: they might enjoy a show called Archibald's Next Big Thing,
Speaker 1: which is uh Starry on Netflix in September that I
Speaker 1: do some of the voices. It's a very cute and
Speaker 1: sweet show that Tony Hale created the particular archibald and
Speaker 1: one of the nicest human beings in the world. That
Speaker 1: Tony Oh yeah, yeah, Tony Hall is to James had
Speaker 1: I'd just like to take a chance. Well, I was
Speaker 1: proposing to all the people that listened and did the
Speaker 1: did the refuse? We got scrowdy war to really really
Speaker 1: Isaac fifty seven CRM thirty one. Wait, did you say
Speaker 1: we got scroty want us? Because we've been needing a
Speaker 1: review from peoplady wanting and we got one would star
Speaker 1: Wars characters. I don't know we got til twelve Tissel.
Speaker 1: I guess to you guys all left reviews like a
Speaker 1: good good thank you. It was really nice of them
Speaker 1: to open. It doesn't mean something that I'm unfamiliar with.
Speaker 1: Its yeah, it's it is scroty what appear heart, But
Speaker 1: people should leave us reviews and that's so nice that
Speaker 1: people they did that. Someone said that I was forcing
Speaker 1: them to do it, and I'm okay with that. It
Speaker 1: wasn't you was one of the other James he needs
Speaker 1: Joey Greer. I just want to go with James said,
Speaker 1: and thank you for everyone left review and classy move
Speaker 1: joy check out Bear supply and pretty Pretty Ponny, what's
Speaker 1: that coming with your Yeah, pretty pretty Punny the last
Speaker 1: sec first first Thursday every month at ten pm. I'm
Speaker 1: at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold, depending on the
Speaker 1: social media platform. Uh yeah, and check out Pretty Pretty
Speaker 1: Pony and this here show. Also thanks to our engineer
Speaker 1: Doug Babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, our
Speaker 1: producers Sophie Lichtman, and lastly I Heart Media, Sumpumum, Loose Milk,
Speaker 1: Get Loose Milk, acroach. All of you to write a review.
Speaker 1: Like we said before, tell everyone you've ever met and
Speaker 1: write to us with your scene suggestions and whatever else.
Speaker 1: At your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
Speaker 1: your name here at alchemy this dot com until next time.
Speaker 1: I already wanted his pretty wear