Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
Speaker 1: here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who was
Speaker 1: off shooting a Grumpy Old Men prequel called Slightly Irritable
Speaker 1: Fresh Faced Fellas before met Alchemists once again. There's an
Speaker 1: opportunity that this will be interrupted by a fire alarm.
Speaker 1: They're testing the building sometimes between eleven and six, and
Speaker 1: we're square in the middle of that. So if that happens,
Speaker 1: everyone panic. Well, let's meet our alchemists for today. He's
Speaker 1: the one who let the dogs out. Craig Kowski, Greig,
Speaker 1: what's your favorite animal? Tiger? A tiger? Next up this
Speaker 1: Andrew Lloyd Weberhead. Where's Fantom sweatress? Wherever she goes? Carla Kakowski?
Speaker 1: I thought that was some one else. Look at your shirt,
Speaker 1: Yeah right there, Carla. How many times you're gonna go
Speaker 1: see cats in the theater? At least once? For real?
Speaker 1: Though it looks pretty apology, it looks those tales are
Speaker 1: so upsetting. Really, he spent his entire life requesting for
Speaker 1: the Golden City of El Dorado. James Heeney, James, what
Speaker 1: will you do with all that gold? Well? I would
Speaker 1: convert it into bitcoin. And I just crossed my fingers.
Speaker 1: I know it's having a bad rough time right now,
Speaker 1: but twenty years from now it'll be worth a lot. Right.
Speaker 1: But but it's real gold. Yeah, I know, But what's
Speaker 1: real good good? What's real gold good for anymore? Like
Speaker 1: copper wiring is better than gold? Right? I don't know
Speaker 1: bitcoins where to invest your money? You're the guy who's
Speaker 1: against gold. Our next alcomists probably boast having over fifty phobias,
Speaker 1: including arachnophobia, acrophobia, and criscadextophobia. Joey Greer will be the
Speaker 1: coward other than spiders in the number thirteen. What else
Speaker 1: are you terrified of? Okay, everything you just said is
Speaker 1: freaking be the funk out, Okay Uh. I'm also scared
Speaker 1: bourbon to drink bourbon glaze on Jack Daniels bourbon on
Speaker 1: TJ friday Stakes and Hamburgers. I'm also freaked out by
Speaker 1: flat moost rella sticks at TJ Friday's. I'm also freaked
Speaker 1: out by Cajun peppers and like seasoning on the fries
Speaker 1: at Fridays is really bad for your sponsor. Yeah, and finally,
Speaker 1: some people call her the space Cowboys. Some call her
Speaker 1: the Gangster love. Some call her Maury's who. It's Vanessa
Speaker 1: Raglan The What music did your folks play around you
Speaker 1: when you're a grown up? Um? That was a song
Speaker 1: that I did hear a lot actually, and a lot
Speaker 1: of Crosby Stales National Young Yeah, sweet step, they really
Speaker 1: taught their child. Well, let's get to her, like I'm
Speaker 1: with you, Let's get to our first scene. All of
Speaker 1: today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to meet your please write to the podcast
Speaker 1: at your name here, give me this dot com your
Speaker 1: name here, he give you this dot com favorite child. Alright,
Speaker 1: our first see suggestion from Amanda. A person with the
Speaker 1: worst case of O c D is stuck in a
Speaker 1: dirty jail cell. There's your sale, prisoner. Make yourself comfortable. Okay,
Speaker 1: we don't have a four thousand Trentdy cayon and Gypson
Speaker 1: cotton cheats. Yeah, okay, it's a big fancier last half prisoner. Okay,
Speaker 1: I think I'm just gonna sit in the corner, and
Speaker 1: you want to sit in the corner. I'm sorry, we
Speaker 1: don't have a shelf loung I'm just I really would
Speaker 1: when I get a chance I'd like to call my
Speaker 1: war the telephone. I'm sorry on the kind of phone
Speaker 1: we have as made a booker. We we're off there.
Speaker 1: Let me just spitting here? Can I get a napkins? Yes?
Speaker 1: I was under your matress and guess what, it's my
Speaker 1: pay that's your gross stay at it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize there was another person here. What
Speaker 1: do you think you get your own cell? I was hoping.
Speaker 1: So what are you doing underneath the bed? Let's where
Speaker 1: I sleep. Jesus Christ got a bad back. These mattresses
Speaker 1: are terrible. Okay, well, I'm not gonna be here very long,
Speaker 1: so it's I'd like to keep to myself. That's what.
Speaker 1: The fresh fish, what's sever Oh? Every every Wednesday we
Speaker 1: get fresh fish. It's like it's the one day, one
Speaker 1: day the food is good. Salmon, alright, thanks earl. Oh gosh,
Speaker 1: fresh fish. I gotta pass it on to the next
Speaker 1: sell fresh fish. Got first fresh today. Oh it's Wednesday,
Speaker 1: that's right. Okay. How long did it take to get
Speaker 1: your first call to your lawyer? I first called him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like I figured that after processing, I should be able
Speaker 1: to get outside and really just make a quick call
Speaker 1: and tell your friend's last. What are you doing? I
Speaker 1: tell you we're all out of they Okay, here over there,
Speaker 1: we got enough for yourself, but we're all out for
Speaker 1: I'll just take a lemon wedge with you. I'm not
Speaker 1: the white dress. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I still we
Speaker 1: need to about they're on there, okay, I'm huh. I
Speaker 1: get real mad, and when I can't get it, he
Speaker 1: calmed down. What are you doing? Don't get out from
Speaker 1: under the bed over excuse me? I want to shake
Speaker 1: your hand. I don't know. I don't trust a guy
Speaker 1: who I can't shake his hand. Do you mind washing
Speaker 1: your hands in that sink over their first and sink
Speaker 1: gonna make it dirtier, would it? Yeah? Well, straight dirt
Speaker 1: comes out of it, sir. Here's your sandwich. I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to say. We ran out of IOLI about twenty minutes ago.
Speaker 1: You ran out of wood, We ran out of the II.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. That's an awful story. That's what I'm in
Speaker 1: here for. Oh godoke two people to death. All right,
Speaker 1: I'll just put this sheet over my hand and now
Speaker 1: I'll shake yours. That's that's a hard I got a
Speaker 1: strong grip. Okay, I'll just have a little bad ness here.
Speaker 1: I am an angel. Looked bad. We accidentally had a
Speaker 1: little plumb on that. Don't tell your water filtains gonna
Speaker 1: spear diarrhea. Oh god, I smelled diarrhea over here. I
Speaker 1: don't think I can handle this. I gotta take my pills, pills.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my pills in a where I can
Speaker 1: take him dry too. Oh, you can't drink out of
Speaker 1: that water. You can't drink out of that water. I
Speaker 1: got it. I gotta take do not drink out of
Speaker 1: that water. Oh okay, Please don't stop pushing that button.
Speaker 1: It's just disgusting. This one's kind of a horse pill,
Speaker 1: So please don't drink that. There's nothing diabetes. I got diabetes.
Speaker 1: I gotta take my diabetes bills. Please stop. Okay, Oh god,
Speaker 1: it's all over your face. Don't stay away from me.
Speaker 1: I'll take your sheet. Stay back. Don't use my sheet
Speaker 1: for data? Alright? What else am I gonna use? I
Speaker 1: don't know. I'm gonna have to request a new sheet
Speaker 1: sheet service. This sheet's got diarrhea, does it. I'll have
Speaker 1: a laundered run away. Don't thank you so much? Come out,
Speaker 1: come and put okay, soup here, I still was a
Speaker 1: tooth in there. I need I need to wash my mouth.
Speaker 1: Thought was, something can't get me some. I guess they're
Speaker 1: gonna have to slip up some diarrhea like you're a friend.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I can't do it. I can't do
Speaker 1: it there in the big house. Now, oh, someone, or
Speaker 1: why don't you come down the aircauld there's back up.
Speaker 1: The first night was hard for Timmy Princess Johnson, but
Speaker 1: it didn't get any easier for him after that. In fact,
Speaker 1: days turn into months. I got another turn into years
Speaker 1: and it got worse. Just watched another plumbing problem. Somehow
Speaker 1: your water fountain got hooked up to the period machine.
Speaker 1: I don't know what a period machine is. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: it sounds like it's got to be better than diarrhea.
Speaker 1: I don't know what. That's where he earned his nickname
Speaker 1: in red. Oh it's just blood. What's it's blood? Coming
Speaker 1: up doing the period? You don't know what a period machine?
Speaker 1: My god, that's what it means. I didn't think there
Speaker 1: was possible. There's a go ahead prison say fresh stay
Speaker 1: first steak, first day snake steak, snake, No not snake snake,
Speaker 1: it's fresh steak snake. Okay, steak great. I've been seeing
Speaker 1: that fucking guy walking around the yard thinking like he
Speaker 1: owns the fucking place, all clean and all clean. I
Speaker 1: just want to believe him up. Sorry, yeah, Princess, right,
Speaker 1: I don't. That's not my own nickname. I'd rather be
Speaker 1: called like Razor. I don't know, I'm looking for a
Speaker 1: good snake. You guys here on your head, Princess, it's
Speaker 1: just embalding in a weird spot. I'm sorry, maybe buzz like.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's a good nickname for me? Guys,
Speaker 1: I don't know. How about Okay, you're gonna get dirty? No,
Speaker 1: I prefer not, honestly, you like tojan what's you don't know?
Speaker 1: What happened next was the defining moment for Princess against
Speaker 1: the Sandbox Boys, the moment that made him realize that
Speaker 1: maybe he'd be able to survive the prisons. Jesus WANs
Speaker 1: you gutted me? Who you gutted me? Man? Just to
Speaker 1: tost in my mouth. Now I'm gonna go in you.
Speaker 1: You really prove yourself in the yard today, Princess Raizor
Speaker 1: felt good. I guess I didn't realize how good it
Speaker 1: felt to get dirty. Hi, Princess Roser, wasn't a little
Speaker 1: bit of sou me todd lets to offer you from
Speaker 1: the shelf? Well, that's nice, passed it under the bars,
Speaker 1: so through the bars? Soys you know what just tossed
Speaker 1: on the floor and I'll eat it alright, Princess Risor
Speaker 1: much respect for you on the jude up for a second,
Speaker 1: haven't me and ask you about this justin Bieber poster? Yeah?
Speaker 1: What about it? Well, well you got this justin Bieber
Speaker 1: post because I'm a believer. Okay, I'm a big fan.
Speaker 1: He's changed. He's a musician. You know you've changed to
Speaker 1: You've really gotten used to things that are kind of gross. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think you've kind of grown out of your O. C. D.
Speaker 1: Well once. I when I first came in here, I
Speaker 1: had a really weak commune system. Even a sneeze on
Speaker 1: a plane would make me shudder. But now I drink
Speaker 1: period of machine blood out of the goddamn fountain. And
Speaker 1: I just entered a man through his belly button. I
Speaker 1: didn't rub. But there's not a hole behind that poster,
Speaker 1: is there? No? Is the one more person to a
Speaker 1: hole in the wall. I'm in a whole ape of trouble.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't put you in that position. I'm not even
Speaker 1: gonna talk to him. I'm so pissed at him right now.
Speaker 1: Why are you mad at him? Why am I mad
Speaker 1: at How much time have you got just to think
Speaker 1: so much for taking the tour of the person a
Speaker 1: lot of the immage. You have big fans of you,
Speaker 1: and I really appreciate you doing a concert for the incarcerated.
Speaker 1: We think it a spirit. Oh any time. I'm very
Speaker 1: excited about being here, very excited to sing out loud
Speaker 1: as opposed to by myself and my car. Oh yeah, well,
Speaker 1: let's take a little what's this period machine looking thing
Speaker 1: over here? What it is? Period? That's the day Justin
Speaker 1: Bieber became a man. I've never drink period machine before
Speaker 1: at all. Well, it's still, it's it's it's my voice.
Speaker 1: Just draw what you're saying. I feel like i'm older,
Speaker 1: I'm just as manager. What happened? It was gone for
Speaker 1: five minutes, justin what happened? No running now as hormones?
Speaker 1: Is there any way he could have gotten access to
Speaker 1: some hormone? I don't know, I don't know. Did you
Speaker 1: let him drink from that period machine. Oh darn, it
Speaker 1: looks like the wall has been knocked down. Princess raising
Speaker 1: you better get out of here. What about you? Aren't
Speaker 1: you gonna come with me? I'm gonna stay right here,
Speaker 1: you know, all the hole this time. Yeah, you've had
Speaker 1: a sale to yourself. No, that's right, I'm not real.
Speaker 1: You're not real. That means that means you drink that
Speaker 1: diarrhea of water. It turns out Princess Raizer disassociated himself
Speaker 1: from all the horrible things he had to do. Drinking, period, blood, diarrhea,
Speaker 1: you name it. He did it. Get busy, living, get
Speaker 1: busy fun. Hey buddy, Hey, are you gonna buy anything?
Speaker 1: You're gonna talk to you something the whole time. I'm
Speaker 1: recording an audio book. All right, all right, right, look,
Speaker 1: you gotta buy something to get out. Okay, I'll take
Speaker 1: these three postcards in this lighter. Okay, they're good. Do
Speaker 1: you have any fresh fish? Uh? Yeah, salmon, salmon? Do
Speaker 1: you have any ali? Yes, it's in the back. When
Speaker 1: we go. He waited for the aoli to about a time.
Speaker 1: He knew if he didn't get his aoli he would
Speaker 1: become furious. It took quite a while. I'm out, You're out.
Speaker 1: He felt his blood boil, he felt his neck pounding.
Speaker 1: He was going to full out bieber on this guy.
Speaker 1: Put the gun down. Okay, just put the gun down.
Speaker 1: The gun was loaded with bullets, all right, I can
Speaker 1: see that. Just just chill, chill. It was at that
Speaker 1: moment that he fired. He knew that he'd have to run. Oh,
Speaker 1: you would end up drinking out of a diarrhea fountain
Speaker 1: in prison. And that's off of sin. That couldn't really happen, right,
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. Right, didn't happen to you. I'm sure.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to follow the law. I don't want
Speaker 1: to end up in one of those cells. Boy, alright,
Speaker 1: our second see suggestion insert obligatory greeting. You can call
Speaker 1: me Jimmy Jack. Apparently most of your audiences from Australia.
Speaker 1: I am also insert obligatory as kissing. I used to
Speaker 1: love listening to your collective ramblings while I wasted my
Speaker 1: life way working in a warehouse. Then one day the
Speaker 1: big evil boss man came a call and saying no
Speaker 1: more headphones at work. You may think this was a
Speaker 1: reason to a safety issue, but no, it was an
Speaker 1: effort to improve the culture in the warehouse. This brings
Speaker 1: me to my idea. In the most mundane of workplaces,
Speaker 1: workers grow increasingly frustrated by HR and their ridiculous ideas
Speaker 1: and impositions. Cheers, Jimmy Jack ps. You guys are fucking amazing.
Speaker 1: Or right? No more brides or right? No more? No,
Speaker 1: I'm all you tell your bright when you're off. What No,
Speaker 1: we need bikes. I'm not gonna have a little pairwall man.
Speaker 1: This is what it is. I'm on break right now,
Speaker 1: all right, not alright, I'm alright, bride, well nothing alright
Speaker 1: and not food homeby. You can use your real voice
Speaker 1: voice now, you make realice like I'm using my real
Speaker 1: voice just because you're off from somewhere else. I'm from here,
Speaker 1: my ear on a work visa from England. From no.
Speaker 1: I caught. I caught the accent. Just want everybody else
Speaker 1: does here take breaks monthly to eating. I want you
Speaker 1: sound like you're here now A couple of sentences to
Speaker 1: get warmed up. I think I appreciate your noticing and
Speaker 1: bringing it up. But I'm on break, so I know
Speaker 1: I'm a break right now. Anybody want to lunchable. Yeah. Look,
Speaker 1: if anyone's on rights, I'm gonna release wild dogs into
Speaker 1: the way here. Dangos, yes, dangos. You started it. Oh
Speaker 1: I'm so. I was just gonna say dingoes are really friendly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but if you stop them, they eat babies. But there's
Speaker 1: no babies here. Well, I'm trying to do not understand
Speaker 1: the childs that sellers would look at and at least
Speaker 1: sound like you moved away. Someone saw funnies. Baby is no,
Speaker 1: this is horrible for him. It is sign it right, Willa,
Speaker 1: Mr Willa? Why do you just signed these babies gonna
Speaker 1: feed the dinger? What a los my baby? No, that
Speaker 1: little woman with the eyes in the face, my baby.
Speaker 1: You're not Australian and you don't have everyone's going to
Speaker 1: take a choild yeah, risey yeah, policy connectivity, Yeah all right,
Speaker 1: I go to my office. Well I got DIBs on
Speaker 1: my kid mark. I'm taking my baby. Stop what dad?
Speaker 1: You got me from a warehouse? Yeah? Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: a hard day at the Australian warehouse. Honey, you don't
Speaker 1: have to do it at home. At home a courtly accent.
Speaker 1: Did I hear you talk in your sleep? And you
Speaker 1: don't sound like that where all people talking a different
Speaker 1: voice in their sleep down. This is just sad to
Speaker 1: Akron after you're there for like three months. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I was changed when I lived over there, honey. So
Speaker 1: you so you think you caught some sort of accent? Yeah,
Speaker 1: can't you hear it? I do? I do hear something.
Speaker 1: It's Australian. Well, let's not jump to any conclusions. Trust me,
Speaker 1: I'll say, doctor, here's some reports for you right there. Okay, Oh,
Speaker 1: dear God, is that my report? Yes? It is um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: these vowels are all off nearer nearer they're not. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it sounds like you have a you've caught a really
Speaker 1: bad Australian accent. I'm sorry that it is, dingo. What
Speaker 1: can I do about it? Okay, well, all the all
Speaker 1: the idioms are completely off. It's already no there is hope.
Speaker 1: So you're living here in Acron, right, don't go back
Speaker 1: to Australia. Um, don't watch any Australian TV. I really
Speaker 1: like watching some of those shows. Watch Crocodile Hunter, just
Speaker 1: three runs? Okay that that should be easy to drop near. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, so just say it with me now, Okay, Hello, hello. Oh,
Speaker 1: your voice is completely gone. Hello. Hello, there you go? Okay, great?
Speaker 1: Say hello Hello Hello. I don't think your hell I did.
Speaker 1: We're making No, it's not me, it's not the real maid. Okay,
Speaker 1: look at me, look at me, look at hello? Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
Speaker 1: come on, babe for us for we're honey. Hello. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I think it's worse, just like Australian dallas now,
Speaker 1: but babe, that's better than the continent continent hello. Hell oh, yes,
Speaker 1: come here, kiss me, kiss me? Kissing. So now you've
Speaker 1: caught the bad Australian accent because you were kissing. I'm
Speaker 1: so humiliated. Help you. You went out and you just
Speaker 1: caught the first bad Australian accent you could possibly find
Speaker 1: because I wasn't into kissing you. A lot I have
Speaker 1: because I make a lot of money. And how does
Speaker 1: that make me feel? I have a doctorate? Are you
Speaker 1: pooping right now? Yeah, it's part of the egg scen
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm I yeah, I'm a I'll forgive you.
Speaker 1: I'm going to come on day back your bags. We're
Speaker 1: leaving tonight. Okay, I'm going as fast as I can. Mom,
Speaker 1: your dad's sleeping. Did you part. You can't have it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Oh no, that's a wicked kiss. No Gussia para. No,
Speaker 1: I know I should have gotten now years ago. Well,
Speaker 1: i'm sorry, I'm leaving you. I'm sorry. Best of luck. Mom.
Speaker 1: No you all right, said another thing. We're gonna be
Speaker 1: in the way house you. None of this is gonna
Speaker 1: go on the ricked right. No breathing, alright, no breathing,
Speaker 1: none of you, none of you. You've been breathing. I've
Speaker 1: been breathing, alright, Linda's been breathing. None of that. It's
Speaker 1: gonna take up torn. I don't understand. I'm coming back
Speaker 1: to work here again. Ah like, I just gotta clock
Speaker 1: back in all right, recognizing. Oh sorry, it's back. We
Speaker 1: don't allowed to breathe now, my wife, We're not We're
Speaker 1: not allowed to breathe. No, I can't do that. This
Speaker 1: is a failure. I lost my wife. My son doesn't
Speaker 1: love me anymore. I used to have an accent. That's gone.
Speaker 1: You keep that thing a lot that they got delivered.
Speaker 1: He did you keep that biby along? Of course I did.
Speaker 1: Didn't she else keep that baby along? I lost mine
Speaker 1: the second day I found mone either took it to
Speaker 1: the beach. This is very nice. It was a child,
Speaker 1: It was a baby. It was you know, a gif
Speaker 1: I took mine into This baby just washed up on
Speaker 1: the shore and I can't the tides keep bringing it
Speaker 1: back in. Mark, get rid of it, doggy. I am
Speaker 1: not trying to usher in a diaspora. Get this child
Speaker 1: out of here. It's get it out. I have to
Speaker 1: raise it now. Mark, I'm on. Yeah, well I was
Speaker 1: too until this little bundle of joy washed into my life.
Speaker 1: Leads just stop. We're not going to bring this child
Speaker 1: to the king. What I can do that? All right,
Speaker 1: We'll bring him to the king. It's what we're supposed
Speaker 1: to do. I feel like it's written in some sort
Speaker 1: of book. We're on fake k I know we're on
Speaker 1: the VCA, but sometimes the VECA gets interrupted. I can
Speaker 1: never enjoy myself. Bring the babies. Well, you know that
Speaker 1: he's just gonna kill it right now. He's your your highness.
Speaker 1: I've never addressed you before. I highness will do Thank you,
Speaker 1: your highness. Here's here's the child. Oh well, happy little fellow,
Speaker 1: isn't it. Oh he knows my name? Yes, well, I'll
Speaker 1: be keeping him. Oh great, great great, Oh that's what
Speaker 1: you want. Yeah, that's actually great. Well no, then I'll
Speaker 1: be giving this. I go back to you, dam it,
Speaker 1: damn Mark. We gotta raise it because you blew it.
Speaker 1: We have to, yeah, we have to. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: are you theorious? We're partners? What should we name him?
Speaker 1: Fucking no, fucking no, I don't know. Noses, noses? Feel
Speaker 1: three to step out of the throne room, whatever you'd like.
Speaker 1: I'll take this outside. Duncan come on, noses? Or do
Speaker 1: we settle on that? That's what the kids seems to
Speaker 1: like it. No, no, just oh my fucking god, he's
Speaker 1: got away with words. I have going to grow up
Speaker 1: so strong. You'll have whatever accent we have now, and
Speaker 1: you'll never catch a bad one. Isn't that right? Little noses? Alight? Ease?
Speaker 1: Was this what? Or I now? Brakes? Okay, none of it? Alright,
Speaker 1: none of it, no, brides, I'm already on a break.
Speaker 1: I understand it by eating from the king. Now, Brakes,
Speaker 1: it's going to all around the country into the water fountains.
Speaker 1: What happened to the water fountains? We're taking them out.
Speaker 1: Put it in diarrhea films, all right, it's so hot
Speaker 1: in here. Don't know me. What's happening to me? Linda's
Speaker 1: getting it? Oh no, it looked like caught a mixing.
Speaker 1: I caught an exit an accent. It's a bad one.
Speaker 1: I feel sick. I feel very sick. It took me
Speaker 1: years to get rid of mine. It was really bad.
Speaker 1: It was really hard, lost a family home for it
Speaker 1: was well. I couldn't get a job in the US,
Speaker 1: and I didn't have a family, and I figured I
Speaker 1: would go back to my roots. It's an expensive fly, sure,
Speaker 1: but it was just it's you know, half as much
Speaker 1: of it's on what How did you just say sure? Sure? Okay?
Speaker 1: I thought I had something else. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't know, honestly. I think it was just regular old shore.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Did you hear anything, Linda? I heard something.
Speaker 1: I feel useless now, Linda, No, are you powerful? Yeah? No,
Speaker 1: I have nothing? Now do you single? You lost that baby?
Speaker 1: I lost the baby. That's a good thing. You're free.
Speaker 1: That baby grew up to be a narrator and is
Speaker 1: at that moment that knows us returned to where it
Speaker 1: all started. What are you doing here at the diarrhea plant?
Speaker 1: He don't move the house all right, move the house.
Speaker 1: What's going on? I um, I think I'm from here? Yeah,
Speaker 1: seen you right? Aren't you on the bill notes with
Speaker 1: the king and ship like that? Yeah? I'm on the
Speaker 1: bill notes. That's awesome. Hey dose you know Mr Willah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Are you Mr Willa? Yeah? I know? You know he
Speaker 1: bought a few babies for a song oh twenty nineteen. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I was one of those babies. Holy ship. Yeah, careful
Speaker 1: this diarrhea coming around your ankles on a mind. I
Speaker 1: grew up on the stuff. Look, I had to let
Speaker 1: you go. What one time ago there was needing from
Speaker 1: the king that he was running on both these kids
Speaker 1: to wipe him out because he thought they were trying
Speaker 1: to approaching his throne, some kind of prophecy. Ship didn't
Speaker 1: really pan out. The guy said, go but king, you're king?
Speaker 1: My king? Yeah, I don't answer to a king. I
Speaker 1: mean we all do. No. Yeah, this is Australia. There's
Speaker 1: no King of Australia. Where in the castle castle, the
Speaker 1: center of Australia where no one goes. No, that's not true.
Speaker 1: What kind of diary of factory is this? I think
Speaker 1: I got all the ins alright, And he moved the hose.
Speaker 1: He showed it and knows this. Ventured deep into the
Speaker 1: outback to find the supposed King of Australia. I need
Speaker 1: you know about that castle over the horizon? Yeah, no
Speaker 1: from I'm looking to the log home. I'm sty I'm
Speaker 1: from I'm from North Carolina. But I didn't give her
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks and I caught a real bad accent.
Speaker 1: Should get that checked out. No, y, what's your intail
Speaker 1: on that castle? That's what the king is? The cuca
Speaker 1: Bara was correct and on what knows this? Until she
Speaker 1: herself at the gate. Hello, Oh my god, I didn't
Speaker 1: see that. Is this an inn a karma? Or is
Speaker 1: there a person? It's me? Where? Who down to the list? No?
Speaker 1: You see me? Here? Are you the sp I lick
Speaker 1: myself on fire? The gum tree? I'm a bush on fire.
Speaker 1: I don't see a bush on fire? My simple fire.
Speaker 1: Bush on fire, actually a smirking bush. It's gonna fire.
Speaker 1: You'll keep your sicking hear me? Yeah? Is that a king? In?
Speaker 1: Is there a king who dares disturbed the King of Australia?
Speaker 1: My name is Noises? Is this? Yeah? I think I
Speaker 1: was brought before you? Yes, you look familiar. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: it was a baby. When I saw your last I
Speaker 1: didn't think you were real. I ended up raised by
Speaker 1: a partner of guys, not super intomy, and here I am.
Speaker 1: You've got a small ring bush out front. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: thanks going to take you didn't think I was really
Speaker 1: we're on money together. Yes, you as a child that's
Speaker 1: trying to forget about that. Yes? Have you looked for work?
Speaker 1: If you tried the diarrhea factory. I was by the
Speaker 1: diarrha factory. Yeah, there's also a fudge factory around the corner.
Speaker 1: I'm looking at the milk and lemonade factory. Yes, well
Speaker 1: is that around the corner. There's there's around the corner.
Speaker 1: There's work at the milk and lemonade factory. All right,
Speaker 1: maybe I'll check that out. Sorry to war nor did
Speaker 1: you hear that? I did think I'm kidching something bad?
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, you're losing your Australian accent. You don't
Speaker 1: have a pure one like I do with the king.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, are you one of us? Where did
Speaker 1: you come from? I work here. I'm one of the
Speaker 1: guys who work at the King's Castle. You want to
Speaker 1: bust You're not You're not Australian, would he I'm a
Speaker 1: worker at the castle. No I am. What's confusion about.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's happening. You just just look. I
Speaker 1: just thought it would he Are you copying me? Hello?
Speaker 1: Hi hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello hello hello. Hol
Speaker 1: you went back to it. That reversed it. Damn well,
Speaker 1: good luck narrating us out of this one. Morgan Freeman,
Speaker 1: he wasn't quite sure. I wrapped this up with a
Speaker 1: dainty little bow, so he thought he would leave it
Speaker 1: at this bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish? How many pieces
Speaker 1: do you wish bushes on fire? And that's our second
Speaker 1: said number three. Historically it was. It's pretty accurate. Holy
Speaker 1: Podcast Alchemists. The scene where Batman and Robin went to
Speaker 1: the d m V and dealt with a nefarious umbrella
Speaker 1: cling Penguin was one of my favorites. I would love
Speaker 1: to see a scene where Batman and Robin return, this
Speaker 1: time their house shopping for a new bat cave. I
Speaker 1: wonder what supervillain will meet at the title office during closing.
Speaker 1: Thank you for all you do. John from Parker, Colorado. Nope, nope, nope,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing this. Scene with you guys. You guys,
Speaker 1: you don't know who calendar. I'm not gonna do a video,
Speaker 1: but he walk out. He's going love to watch him go.
Speaker 1: How many how many cups do you have? I promise
Speaker 1: you Batman and Robin won't be from Australia. Well, take
Speaker 1: a look around, boy, wonder what do you think? I
Speaker 1: don't know. I mean anything with the pool is fine. Um,
Speaker 1: we don't pool is not operational yet, but you can
Speaker 1: see there is a natural place for a pool and
Speaker 1: it'll fill up with water with a rainfall. Do you
Speaker 1: mean it's a hole in the ground. It's a cave
Speaker 1: and that's a hole in the ground. How much for
Speaker 1: this cave? How much do you have? Well? Asking prices? Wait,
Speaker 1: I was like, why are you telling me to come
Speaker 1: to the corner? What do you want? You're asking me
Speaker 1: for money. I don't have any money. Everything's tied up
Speaker 1: in investments. Right now, you're multi I can't wait for
Speaker 1: you guys to see the backyard. Okay, I don't have
Speaker 1: any cave. I hope you like sacks. I'm not sleeping
Speaker 1: in the backyard. We've been over this, okay, still like
Speaker 1: tights are on the ground and still ectites or in
Speaker 1: the ceiling. What's oh man? Are you your Batman? Huh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Oh cool? Cool, and you're you're the other guy.
Speaker 1: I'm robbin Oh whatever, awesome, Batman. I'm such a huge fan.
Speaker 1: I live next doore A. You're gonna move in here?
Speaker 1: You live right next door to this cave. Yeah. What's
Speaker 1: your name? My name's Ned Yeah. Ned. Oh excuse me,
Speaker 1: um child trying to close a deal here? Oh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: shut up, lady, Oh Batman, I'm a big fan. Do
Speaker 1: you think if you sign my uh you could sign
Speaker 1: my book? Here, my autograph book. Sure, let's let's go.
Speaker 1: Oh you have Superman's autograph? I do I like him to?
Speaker 1: Oh's super pickle and uh well it's wonder woman. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you got an aquaman's autograph. I think I can make
Speaker 1: you a really good deal. Lady. Do you know who?
Speaker 1: This lady is? A real turn? Yeah, she's a real turn.
Speaker 1: She's a really evil realtor. Wait wait a second, that's right.
Speaker 1: See I'm helpful. I'm more helpful than this schmuck right here, Batman,
Speaker 1: the cat in space is really good? Are you telling me?
Speaker 1: This is Catwoman's skies As a real turn. Yeah, she's
Speaker 1: a smart lady. So what's up with all these like, uh,
Speaker 1: scratch posts all around the place. I don't know, the
Speaker 1: previous tenant must have left those there, you idiot, I
Speaker 1: mean Robin bo. I wonder how did you know my name?
Speaker 1: I didn't know your name. Yeah, she's pretty sexy. Huh
Speaker 1: she is? But evil, but sexy, but evil. I hate
Speaker 1: to interrupt this little love fest, but my um latex
Speaker 1: is grading on me. I'd love to close this a deal.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful cave. You'd be totally safe here. None
Speaker 1: of those two lag tits at lag might have been
Speaker 1: wired to embail you in your sleep that my aunt
Speaker 1: Rosie is calling me? Oh there you are? Then, what
Speaker 1: did you get to? I got to the well. I
Speaker 1: was just hanging out and I saw this. Yeah, I'm spatman, ma'am?
Speaker 1: Could you take net away where I'm trying to? If
Speaker 1: you are the Batman, I am, hey, are you moving
Speaker 1: in here? Well? Thinking about it? Well? If you do,
Speaker 1: can you please keep the crime fighting to a minimum
Speaker 1: After ten pm? What a funny woman like crime fighting time?
Speaker 1: Time of day where I fight crime? I fight crime?
Speaker 1: That's right, because he's Batman all right, but you know,
Speaker 1: just ned you stay away from here can get dangerous.
Speaker 1: All right, Okay, I have an allergy, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go aunt Rosie. Okayaman and whoever you is, all right
Speaker 1: by Robin. I'm getting a lot of offers on this
Speaker 1: house cave. Yes, may offer a few minutes. I'd find
Speaker 1: that hard to be. I really like the cave. I
Speaker 1: think it's nice. I think it's it has everything I'm
Speaker 1: looking for. Uh, you know, I think I might want
Speaker 1: to jump on it. Yeah, I think I want to
Speaker 1: do it. That's right. We have we have cash. We
Speaker 1: have cash. Listen, do you mind if I use you
Speaker 1: as sort of baitd in a game? I don't understand.
Speaker 1: Always wanted to be baked perfect? You always wanted What
Speaker 1: didn't you tell me that? So we have an offer,
Speaker 1: very motivated buyer. Wait a minute, what's this trail of blood?
Speaker 1: I don't see that. I see a trail robe, trail
Speaker 1: of bloods cave drippings. It's cave. There's a guy who's
Speaker 1: hung up with your The skinnest ripped off down. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. Oh I hadn't noticed that horrible thing I've
Speaker 1: ever seen. Previous tenants did not take great care of
Speaker 1: the cave. It's true. I can probably take some money
Speaker 1: off of the price for that. I'll do what I can. Okay, yes,
Speaker 1: it is catwoman what we do when we can do something.
Speaker 1: Do you want the cave or not? I again, I
Speaker 1: have a very motivated buyer. I'd hate for this to
Speaker 1: slip through your fingers. I mean, do not do not
Speaker 1: try to hook up with there? Okay, let's this. Did
Speaker 1: I mention even though we don't have a pool, we
Speaker 1: do have a hot Oh really, I wouldn't mind come
Speaker 1: for a little dip right this way? Would you like
Speaker 1: to Borrow's the wrong? I have my own think. Oh there,
Speaker 1: you could almost boil you alive. So what makes you
Speaker 1: so great? Anyways, Robin, I was raising the circus, and
Speaker 1: I have like hyper athletic abilities and my sense of
Speaker 1: smell is really good. To prove it, Uh, who's playing
Speaker 1: a hackey sock? We're trying to hoss up? Sorry? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that's kind of what I can do. Well, I can.
Speaker 1: I can scale walls with my bare hands, and my
Speaker 1: tongue is a lizard tongue. Oh can I see? Yeah? Wow? Yeah,
Speaker 1: Well you're like Croc. You're like a mini croc a dial.
Speaker 1: It's getting really warm, isn't I think many themselves. Your
Speaker 1: little sidekick is choking on his stupid words. Clearly, Robin,
Speaker 1: what are you saying? Boy? This is a trap? I
Speaker 1: think it's a trap. I think we're gonna be ambushed soon.
Speaker 1: Do you mind if I pour some seasonings in here?
Speaker 1: I mean, bubbles, bubbles, wonderful. I'm just going to get out.
Speaker 1: Do do, do, do do? Don't look at my body.
Speaker 1: I forgot a towel. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 1: She's so sexy? Batman? What coming jump in the toup
Speaker 1: with you? It's warming? I think we gotta get out
Speaker 1: of here. Okay, look I just need ten moments. My
Speaker 1: back is killing. Stop rubbing your dick against with the
Speaker 1: jet streams. Okay, stop, I'm not doing that. You are?
Speaker 1: It feels good? Okay, Just how we're going to get
Speaker 1: out of here? Oh? I'm just gonna cup the heat
Speaker 1: just a bit. Oh, bad news. It seems there's a
Speaker 1: boulder blocking the exit. What only a very thin body
Speaker 1: can fit through? All I might be able to get through, Batman.
Speaker 1: If you no, not you me? I can get out?
Speaker 1: You can't. You're both stuck about a kid A kid?
Speaker 1: There's no kid in here. Oh Ned, that's right. I'm
Speaker 1: a kid and I can get out. I can do it.
Speaker 1: I can Yeah right. Yeah, you're a little older now, Robin,
Speaker 1: you were a kid once. Okay, I'm gonna get out.
Speaker 1: Watch me batman licking everything. Excuse me? But why don't
Speaker 1: why don't you like you? Like me? Listen less? Because
Speaker 1: I'm not a kid. Look, you know you can't have
Speaker 1: the same sidekick for forever. Yeah, I agree. I think
Speaker 1: I deserve a promotion, a promotion. Yeah, oh sure, you
Speaker 1: want to go out on your own? Maybe? Yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: that's what it takes. They don't do that. You want
Speaker 1: to fight crime solo? Yeah, maybe we'll do it on
Speaker 1: the night hit the bubbles? Are you over there? I'm
Speaker 1: at least turned to me. Square your shoulders with me,
Speaker 1: I did, Robin. You're living with me now, Huh? I
Speaker 1: made you a lemonade analyze I am. Yeah, that's great. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's good to see you again. It show is not
Speaker 1: bedtime is ninety five. Okay, We're gonna watch heeha and
Speaker 1: go straight to sleep, all right. I mean I kind
Speaker 1: of gotta go out and fight crime. I don't think so.
Speaker 1: It's after curfy young man. Look, um, I'm sorry that
Speaker 1: you Batman broke up and all that and it was
Speaker 1: really an explosive thing and and um, but uh, first
Speaker 1: of all, Batman another date? Do we just fun buddies
Speaker 1: in college? Alright? Whatever? He does? He even remember me,
Speaker 1: just knows me his aunt Rosie. You don't remember me
Speaker 1: at all? Whatever. Look, I had a question on you two,
Speaker 1: and I yeah, you knew this, you knew this. You'll
Speaker 1: you're gonna be sleeping on Ned's bed. It's a little
Speaker 1: show up, but I think you'll have fun. Then why
Speaker 1: don't you call me after the whole thing went down?
Speaker 1: Why did not passing ships? All right, passing ships? But
Speaker 1: maybe maybe they saw each other in the day the fund?
Speaker 1: Does that even mean? Aunt Rosie? I can I just
Speaker 1: call you Rosie? Please? All right? I am not technically yea. Look,
Speaker 1: I'm into older ladies and I think you're really hot
Speaker 1: and I'm living on my own now with you, and uh,
Speaker 1: maybe I thought you'd like to go grab something neat,
Speaker 1: maybe like salmon steak, a sam steak, a thick cut
Speaker 1: of salmon or something because against my better judgment, But alright, Robin.
Speaker 1: Oh great, okay, can I call you Robbed? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: if you're gonna be a growing up where those growing
Speaker 1: up pants and be rob Oh yeah for sure. Um
Speaker 1: let me get dressed and then let's let's go to
Speaker 1: this really place, really, this really nice place that I know. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: let's do that. I mean, I'll change myself. All nice.
Speaker 1: It's a really fancy Australian restaurant. Oh all right, we'll go.
Speaker 1: Sounds good. Did I welcome to salmon steaks? Can I
Speaker 1: interest you in one of our salmon steaks? Yeah, that'd
Speaker 1: be great, alright, and how about how a few I
Speaker 1: also have a salmon steak, because I hear that's what
Speaker 1: you do best. If we did the samon steak based great, uh,
Speaker 1: and we'll do two siders, two sides, and saw some
Speaker 1: of your world famous fudge or it's it's around the corner.
Speaker 1: But all right, I'm sorry. Cheers, cheers, cheers. This is
Speaker 1: so romantic. It's so different having Batman around. Oh well,
Speaker 1: this is uh, this is awkward. Batman. Hey, hey, Robin,
Speaker 1: this is a realtor and I were just realtor to
Speaker 1: the stars. Catwoman, shut up. We were just discussing the
Speaker 1: contract for the for the cave and uh and enjoying
Speaker 1: a salmon steak. Glad to see you it up. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry if the two of you are here, where is
Speaker 1: ned Who's looking after him? I'm right here. I'm hiding
Speaker 1: under the table so nobody can see me so I
Speaker 1: can have Batman's back when things go bad. Is that
Speaker 1: an interior monologue? Net? Did you mean? Okay? Well I'm here, Batman.
Speaker 1: That's all you need to know, Aunt Rosie. I've always
Speaker 1: thought of it as a sort of maternal figure. Yead
Speaker 1: here you are, according this boy man over seven steak,
Speaker 1: no less? Look, I'm May. December is perfectly acceptable. I know,
Speaker 1: supposed to be made November. But there's a bigger age gap,
Speaker 1: so it's fine. All right, it's a pretty big age gap,
Speaker 1: Aunt Rosie. We got some frock corn, Brady, you're going
Speaker 1: for the table? Yeah, anybody wants some bada just leave
Speaker 1: it please? Anything? Do you have any you know? Ram uh?
Speaker 1: I'd like them or um? Right? Aw right, all Patricia,
Speaker 1: if you can get my shoulder and just have a
Speaker 1: little contricians sorry, absolutely, just make some biscuits right here, careful, Batman,
Speaker 1: She's got her careful bat she's got her clo. Let
Speaker 1: me do that. I feel good. It's my job now, dude,
Speaker 1: I like you, don't they Why don't I start? Huh?
Speaker 1: All right? How safe enough? It's obvious the ship out
Speaker 1: of at Rosie. I just help her obvious you miss batman.
Speaker 1: We can all see it. Of course I do. Of
Speaker 1: course I miss you. I miss you two kids. What
Speaker 1: but but ned is my new side kick. That's right.
Speaker 1: And I just tied your shoelaces together under the table, idiot,
Speaker 1: And I just poisoned all your entrees you haven't got,
Speaker 1: haven't come out yet, haven't eat an We'll be sure
Speaker 1: not to eat them when they come out. Okay, you
Speaker 1: know what you guys were growing on me. I'm glad
Speaker 1: I slept. We need to find some raw meat. An't
Speaker 1: even table that wants it raw mate? No do it?
Speaker 1: Do you have to get it? If a customer won't sit,
Speaker 1: if they want it, you gotta get it. No, we
Speaker 1: don you can get keen. It's only they have semen.
Speaker 1: I I don't got some raw, mate, been sitting out
Speaker 1: a while. Fun, Here you go, fun, here you go,
Speaker 1: thank you you have little salt in mate. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: got some salt in there. Accident spector, I'm shedding this
Speaker 1: place sheet oil. You've got an outbreak here, come, been
Speaker 1: out broken this whole time. Up. Sorry, you've got to
Speaker 1: You've got a d rating and accents and uh we're
Speaker 1: shutting the place down immediately. What is taking undress so long? Ever?
Speaker 1: Shutting down? Everybody out? What? Everybody out? Where's my raw? Meat? Man? Please?
Speaker 1: You have a box? I can shoot in? Sorry now
Speaker 1: you have to do that outside? No, thank you? Boop
Speaker 1: fire alarm boom boom boo boo boo boo boo. Let's go.
Speaker 1: Does anyone have a box? Second? Ship in? Someone did?
Speaker 1: His name was Lucius Fox. Here you go, catwoman away,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Who is this mysterious man? You
Speaker 1: seem familiar? You know him. We did a whole thing
Speaker 1: with him. Could I have a little privacy? Do him
Speaker 1: in the street. I'm the one who told you all
Speaker 1: you wonderful matt mobiles and things. That's right, that was you,
Speaker 1: all of my madmobiles. That's right. That Look, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna duck out behind this poster of Justin Bieber. Can
Speaker 1: I come with you? I'm right here, I'm right here
Speaker 1: next to you. You gotta pick one, Batman, gotta pick one.
Speaker 1: Is it going to be Ned or the citiot? Robin torn?
Speaker 1: Both boy wonders so tempting. I love them both for
Speaker 1: different reasons, different powers. Ah, Robin, could you work with
Speaker 1: Mini croc here? Um? Yeah? If that means I'm with
Speaker 1: you then yeah? And Catwoman, we knew it was you
Speaker 1: all along. Yeah. Sorry, she's shipping in a box. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if I could have a little privacy in the street.
Speaker 1: Well that's where the box is, genius kick in the
Speaker 1: corner behind some dumpsters or something. I just need a minute. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm done. Well, it seems like everybody's happy here. But
Speaker 1: well they have to find out who Aunt Rosie really is.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, was that a question? Was Aunt Rosie not
Speaker 1: Aunt Real? Is that somebody else? I thought a Rosie
Speaker 1: was dating in college? It's me, wonder woman, Holy ship,
Speaker 1: we're about to have sex, I know, and I was
Speaker 1: gonna use my last of truth in a kinky way.
Speaker 1: Can we still do that? You bet? Little boy? How
Speaker 1: did I not know you are my aunt this whole time?
Speaker 1: Excuse me, I've got to take some pills. Let me
Speaker 1: use this water phone right here. Oh dear God, that's
Speaker 1: our show. Oh my god, is that diarrhea? Always get
Speaker 1: to end a show on that? Let's go around at
Speaker 1: thank us today. Up to Carl like a cascade at
Speaker 1: Carla Kakowski Boo boo at Dynasty Typewriter feed on Greg
Speaker 1: Kakowski Kakowski on Twitter, at Kikowski on Instagram. He James Heeney,
Speaker 1: the real James Cheeney, scrotus want us it sounds more
Speaker 1: like Shaggy that like scrow want Joey Greer at Jeffy
Speaker 1: Greeber on Instagram, Ding Dong at Cold Stratton or at
Speaker 1: Stratton Cold, depending on the device. So's that car your
Speaker 1: Doug babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Britto, our
Speaker 1: producer Sophie Lichtman, and lastly, I heart media something. We
Speaker 1: encourage you all to write a review, tell everyone you've
Speaker 1: ever met, and write to us with your scene suggestions
Speaker 1: and whatever else. At your name here at alchemy this
Speaker 1: dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot
Speaker 1: com Until next time.