Speaker 1: Well, he'll come back to another episode of Alchemy. There's
Speaker 1: cope y dation. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes, Kevin Pollock. Hey,
Speaker 1: never you mind point Dextor. I'll finish my calculus test
Speaker 1: when I'm good and fucking ready. Jerk, but I digress.
Speaker 1: Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In no particular orders?
Speaker 1: Say hello to James. He need Jiji James? Hi? Is that?
Speaker 1: Is there some sort of quirky name you're gonna give me?
Speaker 1: I shot the Heat but did not, in fact shoot
Speaker 1: the deputy. Do you remember your first roller coaster? Uh?
Speaker 1: My first roller coaster was the Dragon. It was at
Speaker 1: the Kerry Days Festival. If I was on a roller
Speaker 1: coaster before that, it was because I was not sentient yet.
Speaker 1: But I remember the Dragon. It was just a really bad,
Speaker 1: small roller coaster that went in the circle two hills. Okay?
Speaker 1: Is that Chris wants to know if there's a possibility
Speaker 1: you were not sent to him? Yeah? And I think
Speaker 1: he speaks for all of us. Yes, I mean I
Speaker 1: am sentient now and i've been it's probably about probably
Speaker 1: maybe I've hung out with you many of nights after shows,
Speaker 1: and you have not been sentient dude. Say, hey, Caroline Carter,
Speaker 1: Carter not smarta. Can we get a preview on what
Speaker 1: your last words will be before you die? Oh? Probably
Speaker 1: like I have to go to the bathroom the restaurant
Speaker 1: that is the greatest because so many people shipped themselves. Hey, everybody,
Speaker 1: it's cold Stratton strattone Ovich. What do you think of
Speaker 1: the film? What did you think of the film? Because
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that you're the only person I know who
Speaker 1: saw it called Cats. You know, I've I've almost hit
Speaker 1: play so many times, but I have not yet brought
Speaker 1: myself to do it. I'm going to, I swear I'm
Speaker 1: going to, because it's like it's, you know, a car
Speaker 1: wrect of a movie from what I hear, but I
Speaker 1: have not done it yet. All right, well did you
Speaker 1: buy it? No, it's just I'm sure it's already on
Speaker 1: v vhs thinking at the laser disk. Hey there's Chris Avarando, tall,
Speaker 1: not dark enough and handsome. Ever been fishing? Um No,
Speaker 1: not officially officially, no, not offectively. Okay, I like it.
Speaker 1: I like all about it. Uh. And last, but don't
Speaker 1: let the door hit you on the balls if you
Speaker 1: think him least it's Joey Greer MERV the PURV. What's
Speaker 1: I sure you? And why so small? I'm a six
Speaker 1: and a half in children's and I think it's just
Speaker 1: my water if I can be honest. Okay, fair enough,
Speaker 1: let's do a damn show. Most of our scenes were
Speaker 1: suggested by your listener emails. If you'd like to submit one,
Speaker 1: please write to the podcast at your name here at
Speaker 1: alchemy this dot com. I love to read your emails,
Speaker 1: I replied to as many as I can, which is
Speaker 1: I'm at about a ninety percentage right right now again,
Speaker 1: write your name here and alchemy this dot com. See
Speaker 1: number one fact comes from listener Steve, who wrote, there
Speaker 1: was a story I remember about a family whose hands
Speaker 1: with a size of the foam number one hands used
Speaker 1: at sporting events. I lied, I don't remember it anymore,
Speaker 1: so I'm hoping that you can share it with us.
Speaker 1: That is an ass backwards way of saying his suggestion
Speaker 1: is family whose hands are the size of foam number
Speaker 1: one hands. You have shared so much already with all
Speaker 1: of us listeners, and all I know, uh is all true.
Speaker 1: Just wondering if you are ever late for something or
Speaker 1: forget to do something and only have a lame excuse
Speaker 1: doing does doing this show allow you to come up
Speaker 1: with a believable excuse? So the premise again of this
Speaker 1: one this guy is is this Yoda? Is this Yoda?
Speaker 1: He just wants to learn how to be a con artist?
Speaker 1: So that's a he's like, I tried to con that
Speaker 1: story off. I couldn't do it right? And do we
Speaker 1: our wants to know? Ye? Using the powers of improvisation
Speaker 1: allows us to come up with things on the spot,
Speaker 1: and the answer is yeah, you could improvise robbing a
Speaker 1: bank and then actually Robert, thank you, his name is Steve. Alright.
Speaker 1: I'd like you guys to be very cautious. Those are antiques.
Speaker 1: If you break it, you buy it. Let's just move
Speaker 1: this stuff out of here. Come on, we're moving it out.
Speaker 1: Let's go. Are you talking to Dave. I'm talking to
Speaker 1: the customers that just walk and I just want to
Speaker 1: make sure that they're cautious these antiques, in fact, that
Speaker 1: they're that's from the Revolutionary War. I'm sorry. The way
Speaker 1: you're treating me and my family is incredibly disrespectful. You
Speaker 1: have a moving crew moving your antiques around. You're not
Speaker 1: saying anything to them. But I think you're saying it
Speaker 1: to us because our fingers are large. Is that what
Speaker 1: you're thinking? You hadn't even noticed that I hadn't noticed.
Speaker 1: I hadn't noticed. And these moving crew people they're bringing
Speaker 1: in new antiques. Are you sure? I'm not. I'm having
Speaker 1: a hard time hearing. I'm pretty old. Okay, well let
Speaker 1: me tell you something, sir. These this moving crew is
Speaker 1: moving all these pieces into an unmarked van. Mom asked
Speaker 1: him if he worked at an antique store because he
Speaker 1: is an antique. Sir, do you work at an antique
Speaker 1: store because you're an antique? You know what? Just hold
Speaker 1: your tongue really quick. I can hear your son this
Speaker 1: close to me. Okay, what was the rude thing to say?
Speaker 1: You are agent? Shut up? It doesn't matter if the
Speaker 1: mirror breaks. We just need to fra you know what.
Speaker 1: I believe that. I believe that I'm being robbed by Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: Sarah Party Party, I'm the husband here. Unfortunately, we don't
Speaker 1: care what you believe anymore, because you've already demonstrated to
Speaker 1: us that you are. And I just want to say
Speaker 1: thank you for letting me talk to you. You know,
Speaker 1: my my grandfather probably wasn't the most like Greek areas,
Speaker 1: person are open. But you know you got to spend
Speaker 1: the last few moments with him before he had that
Speaker 1: massive heart attack aneurism. Yeah again, I'm so I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry we didn't call nine one moment right away that
Speaker 1: probably would have saved his life. He was just being
Speaker 1: so rude to us. I for sure, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for the This is a huge tissue. It's just
Speaker 1: a towel. It's an ant. Okay, your dad smells like pooh,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Um, I do have a smaller
Speaker 1: glass of water I could use. This glass is just
Speaker 1: it's too big for my hands to hold. It's just massive. Um. Sure,
Speaker 1: here's a here's a cap of a water bottle. Is
Speaker 1: that small enough for you? Yeah? I can just dip
Speaker 1: it into this giant glass. And how do you do
Speaker 1: anything with those baby hands? Oh, if you haven't noticed
Speaker 1: by now, my son his name is Bobby, but we
Speaker 1: call him Bobby Singer because he's just got He's just
Speaker 1: he sings on people wherever we got like, how do
Speaker 1: you jerk yourself a soda with those? And the thing
Speaker 1: about him is if you have any sort of like
Speaker 1: insecurities or whatever. He somehow he knows and he'll just
Speaker 1: kind of say the things him because we've been you know,
Speaker 1: looked down upon because of our physical features, and yet
Speaker 1: he's used as superpower to just bomb on other people
Speaker 1: around him. What's quite interesting. Yeah, Also, sir, why didn't
Speaker 1: your mom like you know what I mean? Alright, Well,
Speaker 1: once again, thank you for giving me the time to
Speaker 1: talk to you. Can you please? Oh yeah, I'm sorry
Speaker 1: of course. Well well, well, if it isn't the family
Speaker 1: that always thinks they're number one, so happy to see
Speaker 1: you guys, so happy. Um, if this is a bad time,
Speaker 1: we can leave. It seems like you invited us to
Speaker 1: dinnerate your house. And yeah, because you know, as freaks
Speaker 1: got a band together. We have giant heads, floppy, weird
Speaker 1: cowboy hats on them, and we can't change that. That's
Speaker 1: just who we are, all right. For some reason, everybody
Speaker 1: celebrates you because you have spirit or whatever, and we're
Speaker 1: just clowns. So did you invite us over to you
Speaker 1: pick this kid out? That's exactly we do this because
Speaker 1: on fire. In fact, I'm gonna have PD locked the doors,
Speaker 1: PT locked the doors, locking the doors. Hut Her up. Look, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I have a keiche can I can you put it
Speaker 1: in your oven? I'm gonna burn my fingers off if
Speaker 1: I put it in there because they're huge. Um is
Speaker 1: that oven? Is that? Is that a remark about the
Speaker 1: size of my noggin, because there's a lot going on
Speaker 1: in the No. No, I was in fact making a
Speaker 1: remark about my hands and that I needed help putting
Speaker 1: this kiche I made for dinner in the oven. Alright, fine,
Speaker 1: I'll player Dan. Thank you, Mr and Mrs Foam Hans. Uh.
Speaker 1: We have an issue with its foam hands. Yes, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry foam hands. Um, I'm having an issue with Bobby.
Speaker 1: He has been um well, he's been very negative to
Speaker 1: some of the other students. And obviously, we never blame
Speaker 1: a child. Is we don't blame a dog. It's the owners,
Speaker 1: and as the owners of the child, his parents, we
Speaker 1: you know, we have to assume that this is this
Speaker 1: might be some kind of atmosphere that is emerging from
Speaker 1: home that he's mirroring. So it's just it's a way
Speaker 1: for the child to express themselves. And obviously, just like
Speaker 1: a dog, they don't have the same kind of you know,
Speaker 1: vocal capabilities or you know, they're not able to swim
Speaker 1: as fast as us. So uh we you know, we
Speaker 1: just want to give them the best opportunity to be
Speaker 1: the best person that can be. So you do need
Speaker 1: to have a conversation with him, because as he calls
Speaker 1: them his singers, his singers are hurting a lot of
Speaker 1: the other kids and mainly the teachers. He's able to
Speaker 1: really zero in on the teachers insecurities and and really
Speaker 1: crush them. So I'm sorry about that. That was my drawer.
Speaker 1: I have little I first of all, I have I'm
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with how often you're comparing the children here to dogs,
Speaker 1: and I do think dogs are responsible for their acts
Speaker 1: and should be held accountable. Um. And secondly, that's just
Speaker 1: our little, our little Bobby's personality, right honey, whatever you say. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and we brought him along with us as well. I
Speaker 1: hope that's okay. That that actually okay. And I actually
Speaker 1: wanted to bring off for something here and I'm just
Speaker 1: going to my cough drawer. And so this is a
Speaker 1: shock caller. Okay, that's my closets. So this is a
Speaker 1: shock caller I usually use, you know, all right, you know,
Speaker 1: in my business they kind of they call me a
Speaker 1: shot collar. They do a shot caller. Okay, okay, so
Speaker 1: it's always funnier in the second time. Do you understand
Speaker 1: that they call him that? Alright, Pete, you were a
Speaker 1: good dog, but the judges holding you accountable for what
Speaker 1: you did, so you're gonna be going away. You're been
Speaker 1: going away for a long time. She wasn't for that suggestion,
Speaker 1: my Mrs Foeman's. They wouldn't have happened, but they took it.
Speaker 1: They escalated up the ladder, and now all dogs have
Speaker 1: to go to court, not not having They should get
Speaker 1: my fucking back there dog. Jesus Christ that was to
Speaker 1: be fucking done for. Whoknew that guy to shake up
Speaker 1: his eye? Oh my god? You know what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you somewhere now we're actually planning a break. We're
Speaker 1: gonna get the funk out of here. Are you win? Dog?
Speaker 1: Or are you not? I don't know about that. What
Speaker 1: the fly ship? Ship? Holy ship? Ohly ship? Oh? Okay,
Speaker 1: family meeting, family meeting? What's up that? Listen? I um?
Speaker 1: I stopped by Dr Crowds office. He gave me some pamphlets,
Speaker 1: some pamphlets. Now I'm not saying something we have to do.
Speaker 1: I'm saying I want to discuss the possibility of reconstructive surgery.
Speaker 1: I'd be utification, reconstructed like a nose job, like a
Speaker 1: nose job for our hands. Well, honey, correct me if
Speaker 1: I'm wrong. But if we were to go through that surgery,
Speaker 1: they can't reduce the size of our bones in our hands,
Speaker 1: so we'd have to be amputated on both hands and
Speaker 1: have new maybe a dead person's hands sewn on top.
Speaker 1: I did not correct you, correct you, because you are
Speaker 1: not wrong, my darling. You rarely are. I'm sorry, buddy,
Speaker 1: I don't want to. But what about Bobby if he
Speaker 1: gets the surgery now is an eight year old boy.
Speaker 1: By the time he's an adult man, he's going to
Speaker 1: have child's hands, the dead hands. Okay, here's a great question.
Speaker 1: The pamphlin says, there are a lot of dogs being
Speaker 1: euthanized on the daily, and some of those dogs can
Speaker 1: transfer to humans like that. All right, If you see here,
Speaker 1: I got a lot of dog paws with thumbs sewn on.
Speaker 1: I'm already gave so what I'm thinking. The one is
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be able to take I want these dog paws,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be able just selem under your fucking arms, okay,
Speaker 1: and then you're gonna be able to have these other
Speaker 1: fucking dog hands with these thumbs on there and then
Speaker 1: and then and then if you want to come back,
Speaker 1: I wanna be able to add some more pieces to you, sir. Sorry, sir,
Speaker 1: do you have a question for the council? We we
Speaker 1: We've only got so much time for each neighbor to uh.
Speaker 1: I got a fucking question. Everyone's able to have a
Speaker 1: goddamn barbecue. But I start doing little surgeries in my
Speaker 1: fucking garage and I get citation. Let me tell you something, body,
Speaker 1: I pay my fucking taxes. I have my house board
Speaker 1: the way you want it. There's no car and the
Speaker 1: fucking garage or drive away. So do me a solid.
Speaker 1: Let me use these dog paws with thumbs on them.
Speaker 1: Take my heart, sir. I want to wanna make one correction.
Speaker 1: It says here h on the notes, you actually have
Speaker 1: not paid your taxes. Yeah, I got a question for
Speaker 1: the council. Yeah, you know, because Ms Thompson complained that
Speaker 1: my dogs ship in your yard. Now he's doing twelve
Speaker 1: to life. It's sing, sing, and I just I feel
Speaker 1: like we need to find an in between here because
Speaker 1: I look, I wasn't there a curb him. That's my fault.
Speaker 1: I apologized. You know, I went back and I got it,
Speaker 1: and you know I paid extra for long replacement. If, like,
Speaker 1: you know, my dog was just doing natures thing. You
Speaker 1: didn't know that his his you know, where to go
Speaker 1: at the time he was wasn't personal And would you
Speaker 1: suggest what a suspended sentence or a community time, community service,
Speaker 1: you know, let him, you know, take blind people around something,
Speaker 1: you know, just something you can do instead of like
Speaker 1: wasting away in a cell, which you know it's not
Speaker 1: the yard. Time is not nearly enough and they won't
Speaker 1: throw sticks. So it's bullshit. So let's let's take a
Speaker 1: quick vote. Uh McGregor, are you going to weigh in
Speaker 1: on this? Anti dog? I think it's I think it's
Speaker 1: just sorry. This is his first day, this is your
Speaker 1: first time at these h o A meetings. It's always
Speaker 1: getting crazy. It always comes down to dog, do your
Speaker 1: party tea? Do you want tea? I do? Yeah. I
Speaker 1: was just actually gonna offer you tea with podka? Do
Speaker 1: you party harder? Hold on one second, anti dog? So yeah,
Speaker 1: I want party harder than anybody. I love this housing
Speaker 1: a Community Office of America. Thank you for the word up.
Speaker 1: Can someone close that drawer? Okay? Sorry, I thought I
Speaker 1: was gonna be so crazy. I just want to have
Speaker 1: a little aside, Am I right? It? All aside of cocaine?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Actually I was just gonna offer you some
Speaker 1: tea with cocaine and there, Thank you. I wanted drying
Speaker 1: up my nose, anti dog. I made my position, Claire
Speaker 1: U Hi, so you too. You know why we have
Speaker 1: to kick you off the council right um, in the
Speaker 1: front of the whole town. You were both snorting cocaine
Speaker 1: and pouring vodka into your tees while you're sitting, you know,
Speaker 1: up large finger to point at us. I was pointing
Speaker 1: at the chairs and I gestured to you, he did.
Speaker 1: I had nothing to do with it. No, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: This is not a question of sorry. Patricia, Patricia, Patricia Michael, No, Patricia,
Speaker 1: calm down, Patricia, Patricia. UM, Oh my god, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I think I smacked your era off. Sorry one somebody
Speaker 1: find at C two comes from Patreon v I P. McCoy,
Speaker 1: who wrote, hey, ulcome me gang. I promised i'd hop
Speaker 1: on Patreon once I got employed again. So here's the
Speaker 1: fulfillment of said promise, and congratulations on your employment. My
Speaker 1: sence suggestion is this curse of the mummy, it's now
Speaker 1: healthy and much love from northern California McCoy. So the
Speaker 1: tour will start in about ten minutes, will be going
Speaker 1: about thirty below street level, and all I ask is
Speaker 1: that you don't touch any of the objects and photographs here.
Speaker 1: I hate to do this. I hate to do that.
Speaker 1: I can never convert meters to like feet or inches.
Speaker 1: Can you give me a little please? Please stop talking.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to hear the door. Paused him. I paused him,
Speaker 1: so he's not talking anymore. So you didn't miss a thing.
Speaker 1: You pause him on my thing too. Goddamn well they're
Speaker 1: still moving. Fuck, okay, great, So what what do you want?
Speaker 1: What do you want? Oh? Yes, I I did a
Speaker 1: pause for all, just a pause for me and you.
Speaker 1: Apparently it looks like the other sixty people are going
Speaker 1: they don't hear. What do you want? Man? Can you
Speaker 1: I need a little help so you know, like it's
Speaker 1: just the cups gallons to leaders like I don't what
Speaker 1: what's the conversion rate for meters to feet, it's a
Speaker 1: hundred and twenty ft is one hundred and so he
Speaker 1: and so how many meters did he see? We're going
Speaker 1: down thirty Let me do that math there, so well,
Speaker 1: I'm bad at math. I'm gonna pull on my phone
Speaker 1: really quick. So thirty meters times a hundred three thousand,
Speaker 1: six hundred ft. Holy shit, that seems deep. Am I crazy?
Speaker 1: It's no, You're not crazy, okay. And I did a
Speaker 1: pause for all you pause for all my ass You
Speaker 1: just you clicked my god, damn little pack and everyone
Speaker 1: else kept walking. Now it's almost pitch black. I can't
Speaker 1: see where the hell I'm going. There's six pathsways going
Speaker 1: different different directions. I'm good. All we gonna do is
Speaker 1: walking that he a little boy, hello girl, man, well
Speaker 1: compared compared to I'm just talking about size. You're about
Speaker 1: half a meter tall, both of you. Huh No, a
Speaker 1: hundred twenty six ft, so that's half a half of
Speaker 1: that half of twelve. And I'm just trying to make
Speaker 1: a point that you're both very small, and I'm a
Speaker 1: very You can't see me completely, but I'm a big
Speaker 1: creepy woman, and you look like you bust your way
Speaker 1: from your here's the plan, here's the plan. You hold
Speaker 1: my hand, and we walked three thousand, six hundred feet
Speaker 1: in that direction. And listen, buddy, my man, what look Okay,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to go on this. I wanted to
Speaker 1: see those commies. I'm trying to go. Look, I'm whispering. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're whispering. We're freaked out. Let's just admit we're scaring.
Speaker 1: I'm scared, you're not. Just believe you know that. Mommy
Speaker 1: mommies are real moment too, and the wolfman's real kids. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I've actually been I've been done, mommaid. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, let's go too. So my husband
Speaker 1: he was going on one of those two us to
Speaker 1: see some of the mummies and whatnot, and he should
Speaker 1: be back maybe in a couple of hours whatever. But
Speaker 1: I just went out with there any spas in the
Speaker 1: hotel that you can recommend to me that a lot,
Speaker 1: you know, pretty much eat the same amount of time.
Speaker 1: It's him at the tomb and then me getting a
Speaker 1: massage that do you know what I mean? I just
Speaker 1: want to be able to cross him when he returns.
Speaker 1: He has his thing, I have my thing, so we
Speaker 1: could spend time together. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: Is that clear? Do you know what I mean? I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not being clear enough about what I'm asking.
Speaker 1: Do you understand? Understand? I fully understand. We're not a
Speaker 1: hotel with many amenities. We have a continental breakfast, and
Speaker 1: we have a gym which is three weights and a
Speaker 1: treadmill that doesn't work. So there's not really a spa
Speaker 1: on property per se. But if you go down to
Speaker 1: the tomb but only godred feet and hanging right, there's
Speaker 1: a wonderful catacombs area with lots of sarcopha guy that
Speaker 1: you can use to do like pilates and crunches on
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of mud down there that you
Speaker 1: can put on your face to help you know it,
Speaker 1: feel bad and stuff. Okay, so there's nothing at the hotel.
Speaker 1: Do you have to bring my own towel? Or is
Speaker 1: the hotel provide three thou five hundred and sixty four
Speaker 1: shop County every Just okay, we're about forty feet away
Speaker 1: from where three is. Okay, Yeah, you don't think Look
Speaker 1: I hear you, okay, and you wants kissing me off.
Speaker 1: You don't believe in the wolf man? You don't believe
Speaker 1: in Are you mad at me? Because you got this
Speaker 1: is serious? Man. We're under where a well, who knows
Speaker 1: how how many miles are on the ground, how many
Speaker 1: miles are in the Memmi's home behind you? Okay, nothing, sir,
Speaker 1: it's all dark. I can't. Let's put your hands out.
Speaker 1: It's quite this like do the mummy. Okay, I'm sorry, Okay,
Speaker 1: I've stopped. I stopped. Hello, did you bring did I
Speaker 1: bring Heeny? I don't know? Did I bring heeny heeny?
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Dr? Heeny? Oh you can't hear me. Dr.
Speaker 1: We wonder if perhaps we could give you enough money
Speaker 1: to sufficiently urge you to go down into the tomb,
Speaker 1: deep deep deep, to help fulfill the prophecy that we've
Speaker 1: written about. You're written this prophecy, Dr Heeny. It's precisely
Speaker 1: the reason I don't want to go into the Mummy's tomb.
Speaker 1: The prophecy doesn't end well for me. Yes, but it's
Speaker 1: a proph to see. We all want to see it,
Speaker 1: like if it's real or not. You're being a dick.
Speaker 1: Dr he need go down and explain, lose situation for me. Dick, Dick, Dick, dick,
Speaker 1: don't come chant this, don't chant this. All right, I'll go,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna need one hell of a tour guide.
Speaker 1: But we could bring Gus out of retirement. He hasn't
Speaker 1: gone anywhere since he recorded that wonderful tape describing meters. Well,
Speaker 1: the problem is the tapes. I don't trust. I want
Speaker 1: somebody that is in real time giving me directions to
Speaker 1: get down into the mummy's tomb. And if there's some
Speaker 1: sort of mummy hunter, i'd like that with me too.
Speaker 1: Wow demands. Uh, Well, I'm going to my own demies.
Speaker 1: I want to take all precautions to survive. Alright. Well,
Speaker 1: I do know a mummy hunter is his name is
Speaker 1: Rich and he's in town. Just he's in town for
Speaker 1: a sales conference. It's very uh fortuitous. So maybe i'll
Speaker 1: see if you'd like to go, darteney, okay, three thousand,
Speaker 1: six hundred. Uh, where's the rest of the group? Which
Speaker 1: one of you? We'll speak to the mommy. I don't
Speaker 1: see anyone else here. I think it's just me. I'll
Speaker 1: speak to the mommy. Are you are you fucking with me?
Speaker 1: Are you the same guy to ask me about AHENI
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to figure out what that is. Look
Speaker 1: straight ahead, follow the light. Is that what the gift
Speaker 1: shop is? I'm thirsty. I can't find any more mud.
Speaker 1: The mud already gone. Oh my god, are you gonna
Speaker 1: bring can you give me him my mouse? You know? Care? Oh? Well,
Speaker 1: do you want my mouth? Yes? I just walked three
Speaker 1: thousand six on her feet. Oh my god? How many meat?
Speaker 1: Is is that that? He means? Yeah? Anyway, I wanted
Speaker 1: this mummy tour, but there wasn't actually any mummies, just
Speaker 1: a weird voice. My husband was on that, so he's
Speaker 1: obsessed with it. He loves all frank they walk already?
Speaker 1: Did they come out already? No? I haven't seen him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: actually he Oh my god, he had the exact same
Speaker 1: bracelets that you have full access. Yeah. Actually he was
Speaker 1: wearing the exact same shorts that you're wearing too, supernumeray status. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's get you in anywhere. Actually he was wearing the
Speaker 1: exact same sunglasses is you're wearing ordered online? Hell? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's just the winky dink. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people have the same set up here. If you buy
Speaker 1: online you order early all that stuff. Anyhow, No mummy's here.
Speaker 1: It's a long walk through a cave. I appreciate the mimosa,
Speaker 1: but I gotta go lay down now, all right, well,
Speaker 1: feel free to lay down. Yeah, I'm in a little spot.
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know maybe you might
Speaker 1: not ever see your husband again. What the hell? Sorry?
Speaker 1: All right, Dr Heiti descend to the tomb. They're just
Speaker 1: punting down there. You need to fulfill the prophecy. All right,
Speaker 1: I'm on my way. Isn't there like some sort of
Speaker 1: heads flashlight that I can strap to my head? There is.
Speaker 1: I brought a more traditional maglite for you, but if
Speaker 1: you prefer, we could duct tape it to this uh
Speaker 1: beer helmet that they were the baas. I do prefer that.
Speaker 1: I need to have my hands free in case a
Speaker 1: mummy comes up. All right, but it's an embarrassing look
Speaker 1: to be seen with in front of a mummy. So
Speaker 1: it's up to you. But I'll strap it on here,
Speaker 1: tapping it on. It's got my hair, it's got my hair, alright, alright, alright, alright,
Speaker 1: oh wait, I'm getting the sort of audio. Do you
Speaker 1: hear that? Yes? This is Dr Heney dr Yes, I'm
Speaker 1: traveling into the two. Is that I'm here for my
Speaker 1: two o'clock? Am I your two o'clock? Yes? Okay, good good,
Speaker 1: So I think we're alone. Now, what's going on? M
Speaker 1: hm and exam? Oh well, I primarily work with the
Speaker 1: living um but your finger? Okay? Is this? I up
Speaker 1: my ass? Okay, I'm just kept to unwrap some of
Speaker 1: these bandages. Oh their paper thin, I can just rip
Speaker 1: through them. Okay, I'm gonna need some m and it's
Speaker 1: I don't, I don't. This is very It feels like
Speaker 1: somebody has taken all of the insides that I usually
Speaker 1: find in an ass out. I think that's the problem.
Speaker 1: I think the problem is is all your organs have
Speaker 1: been removed. They're just don't. Oh, yes, well, we just
Speaker 1: need to find a family willing to donate organs to
Speaker 1: my ass. Well we could start there. Yeah, a bunch
Speaker 1: of stuff that you guys can use. I got a
Speaker 1: whole bunch of organs. I got a whole bunch of
Speaker 1: dog hands. Whatever the fucking need, man, So just open
Speaker 1: that cooler and take whatever you want. I'm a scientist,
Speaker 1: I'm a dog. Sir. Sir, you failed the driving portion
Speaker 1: of the test, so you will not be getting Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: you need to realize anything, maybe to travel. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: well I have a passport, so I'll just use that
Speaker 1: instead it No, that's scene too. I want to spend
Speaker 1: some time with that Selah. I want to get to
Speaker 1: know him better. By the way, Cole, you brought up
Speaker 1: the beer helmet and I was thinking about beer helmet
Speaker 1: from the previous scene. Did you have that on your mind?
Speaker 1: It's like the floppy cowboy this finger and yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: mind mind. Everybody see three today. Cost from Thomas wrote
Speaker 1: high alchemist. I plan on becoming a v I P
Speaker 1: once the world stop spinning again. And I'm not eating rash.
Speaker 1: You're all great and I had to rank, and if
Speaker 1: I had to rank you all, I would put Joey third.
Speaker 1: My suggestion is a vegetarian themed fight club. Thanks Thomas.
Speaker 1: All right, first, let's have a call out of new members.
Speaker 1: New members, please just raise your hand, yeah, hand raised?
Speaker 1: What is your name? New member? Carrot? Carrot? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: and you fella, what's your name? Brock's that short for broccoli.
Speaker 1: It's Brock Lee crazy clever okay, uh and uh, Steven,
Speaker 1: you're gonna take minutes this week. People are in this room.
Speaker 1: God damn it. Yes, chick me, you're gonna take notes
Speaker 1: this week. Great? Alright, old business first. Uh, someone in
Speaker 1: this room, and I'm not gonna name names, I'd like
Speaker 1: you to just step forward and uh explain. Someone has
Speaker 1: mentioned Vegetarian Fight Club outside this room. I was invited
Speaker 1: by chick yesp And how are you invited sir? By
Speaker 1: word of mouth? Yeah, I understand he spoke to you.
Speaker 1: I'm just wondering it was it in a public place?
Speaker 1: Was it in private? Was in an email? It was
Speaker 1: in private in a public place? And so what was
Speaker 1: the private part? Okay? Yeah, So here are salads. Thank you.
Speaker 1: If you anything else, just let me know. Here at
Speaker 1: salads and again, here at Salads and and Fork, will
Speaker 1: you offer everything? Heybody, Okay, I'm fine, I'm sorry. I
Speaker 1: just got a table out there, and they seem like
Speaker 1: really rough and tumble kind of guys. And I just
Speaker 1: really want to, like, you know, introduce myself the best
Speaker 1: way possible because here at Salad and Fork, we here
Speaker 1: at Salad Fork, we offer the premier salad and Fork experience.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm supposed to say. And So what would
Speaker 1: you really saying is, look, you have aggression, right, so
Speaker 1: take it out. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking knock that guy's teath.
Speaker 1: I'm saying my brain, I'm saying, is I'm part of it.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry to interrupt. High welcome to salad and fork.
Speaker 1: I know you our last several server. I swear to God,
Speaker 1: if I have to talk to this asshole, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: knock his fucking teeth. That this or something wrong that
Speaker 1: I can maybe something with the order I can help
Speaker 1: with or get away from us. Nothing, Okay, great, okay,
Speaker 1: you got it? All right? What if I told you
Speaker 1: there was a backyard in Semi Valley where a group
Speaker 1: of people meet their aggressions out, would you be interested?
Speaker 1: I'd say, I'm in. You just saved me my third strike, friend,
Speaker 1: I'm in. Now, there's a catch. We're not using these
Speaker 1: what we're not using christs, we're not using our knees
Speaker 1: a using but that's all I've trained in. Throw that out.
Speaker 1: I'm talking stocks of celery, right, I'm talking throwing tomatoes
Speaker 1: as hard as you can. Yes, So I think it's
Speaker 1: pretty clear that Chickpea kind of said the whole damn
Speaker 1: thing to this new guy. It seems that I just
Speaker 1: want to ask a question because I know the rule
Speaker 1: is we don't talk about it. But I was wondering, then,
Speaker 1: how do we get new recruits? Thank you A fair question, Carl.
Speaker 1: You want to take that one. Well, the best way
Speaker 1: to UH to get new recruits is what I like
Speaker 1: to do is I go and I stand outside the
Speaker 1: Vegan fight club on Third. They're so weak, they're easily impressionable.
Speaker 1: But the problem is because they're vegan, they will want
Speaker 1: to tell everyone. So you know, there is that, but
Speaker 1: they're right for the pickings. So I recommend going down
Speaker 1: there and we can see what we can get. You know,
Speaker 1: we get some carrot find out about the club. That's
Speaker 1: a solid question. Why First of all, how come everybody
Speaker 1: is under investigation here today? I didn't realize that this
Speaker 1: was the FBI. Okay, I'm trying to make a comedy joke.
Speaker 1: Jesus fucking Christ. Guys are just like my wife. She
Speaker 1: doesn't laugh at it. Anyway, Um, how did I find
Speaker 1: out about it? Yeah? Something that I like to do
Speaker 1: that I think is fun is stand just outside. I
Speaker 1: like to go around outside. If I hear a noise
Speaker 1: from somebody's backyard. I'll walk to it. Have I gotten
Speaker 1: arrested for that before? Yeah? Did it? Dana? Um, this
Speaker 1: is this is becoming a bigger issue than I want.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're coming to work with shellery stocks, uh,
Speaker 1: pieces of I guess potato skin all over your fists
Speaker 1: and eyes. Uh. You know, I need to have a
Speaker 1: little bit more respect when you come into this office. Okay,
Speaker 1: on your personal life, but that needs to be curbed
Speaker 1: when you come in here. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just
Speaker 1: confused because at first I would come in to work with,
Speaker 1: you know, just looking like a real nasty piece of ship.
Speaker 1: And now I just have vegetable scraps on my hands,
Speaker 1: and I'm still getting attacked for that. You're not gonna
Speaker 1: attack for that, okay, But I feel like you're taking me.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know why I feel like
Speaker 1: you're attacking me. I don't know why this matters I feel.
Speaker 1: So it looks like we have some blunt force trauma
Speaker 1: from a stock vegetable. Maybe he died instantly, um, just
Speaker 1: here in the boardroom. So uh, we're gonna corner it.
Speaker 1: Af Let's don't don't move it. It's an active crime scene.
Speaker 1: Please leave it. We're trying to have no authority here.
Speaker 1: I can't feel him through the doorway. I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to cut him in half. Please stop, Just leave the body.
Speaker 1: We're still trying. It's still fresh from its death. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to ascertain a lot more about it's an active
Speaker 1: Oh god, damn it. Moving the desk. All right, Well,
Speaker 1: I think I got enough down here. It's it's the
Speaker 1: fifth body I found this week that had some sort
Speaker 1: of vegetable markings on it. Uh, you have somebody who's
Speaker 1: acting out with a lot of aggression. At least I
Speaker 1: have you to tell it to tape recorder. What do
Speaker 1: you what do you mean you're shutting the farmers market town.
Speaker 1: I mean this is where we come to sell our
Speaker 1: fresh vegetables and fruits. I mean we just want to
Speaker 1: be able to give the community some healthier alternatives to
Speaker 1: We won't shut you down, but we need you all
Speaker 1: to wear wires. Okay, we're gonna try to figure out
Speaker 1: why is this bad for the vegetables. Look, it's just
Speaker 1: until we catch this killer or killers. Hi, I'm looking
Speaker 1: for some real stiff celery um. Okay, sure, I'm talking
Speaker 1: the kind that could knock knock a man out. Well,
Speaker 1: that's fairly untraditional for it. But my name is Steve.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for Steve Chick, you might have heard
Speaker 1: of me. No. I live at four three zero six
Speaker 1: way more place. Oh, you live across the street from
Speaker 1: my sister. She lives on four six zero. No, I
Speaker 1: just got confused thinking about houses. You know, on one
Speaker 1: side of the street will be odd and the other
Speaker 1: will be even so for me, I just had a
Speaker 1: brain I'm sorry. You know that I had a brain
Speaker 1: tumor that was removed two months ago, so I get
Speaker 1: I don't believe you did. This is my point is,
Speaker 1: what do you think? This is? What do you think?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean I think you have to
Speaker 1: try to keep them trying to keep on topic. Here,
Speaker 1: we're getting a lot of good information. Now you guys
Speaker 1: are spiraled out and don't act like you're hearing me
Speaker 1: through your earpieces. Okay, I just go back to transaction. Sorry,
Speaker 1: someone in my ear just told me to stop talking
Speaker 1: to him, so let me You know, I hear those
Speaker 1: same voices sometimes and then the voice today is telling
Speaker 1: me tonight I should bludge in a man with the
Speaker 1: sack of potatoes. This is the FBI tone. Hey, FBI,
Speaker 1: p p I, d p I. Anything you need to label? Yeah,
Speaker 1: telling me that you must. We're working on something implanted
Speaker 1: in working in the same case. If that's If that's
Speaker 1: the case, why don't you meet me at four three
Speaker 1: zero eight way more place tonight. That's my my brother
Speaker 1: in law's house I'm married to. I think you've got enough.
Speaker 1: I got enough. Move in moving tap recorder, move in,
Speaker 1: tap recorder, go go go, don't just look, go get
Speaker 1: them tap recorder, go move in, move it. Taper corder.
Speaker 1: God damn it. Connor, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have
Speaker 1: to cut fund into your special division. Why we're just
Speaker 1: not getting the results we want. I mean your paper
Speaker 1: on the advancement of tape recorder technology and how it's
Speaker 1: actually going to be able to take the place of
Speaker 1: field agents was interesting, I mean enough so that we
Speaker 1: invested two to three. All right, look, pal, look I'll
Speaker 1: serve you drink, but I'm not serving that thing. You
Speaker 1: just got a line of shots next to it. Pour
Speaker 1: it on the recorder. God damn it. All right, I
Speaker 1: mean you're paying for this poor on Okay, I feel
Speaker 1: weird about this, and one and poor one on the
Speaker 1: floor for the walkman we lost last week. Jesus Christ,
Speaker 1: you're a real whackle. You know that. I'm a wacko.
Speaker 1: The department assigned me this partner. Okay, so I'm just
Speaker 1: doing the best I can do, all right. All he
Speaker 1: just he's a good air. He listens, but that's about it.
Speaker 1: He doesn't offer any theories, he doesn't offer any backup.
Speaker 1: But you know what, he's my partner and I have
Speaker 1: his back, all right, behave. I just want you to
Speaker 1: leave the tape recorder out of this for once. Okay.
Speaker 1: We haven't made love in months, and I'm tonight. I'm horny,
Speaker 1: so I want to have sex. And I just wish
Speaker 1: you would take the tape recorder out of the bed.
Speaker 1: Leave work at work. I mean, I can't. I mean,
Speaker 1: what what happens if I leave him in another room
Speaker 1: and some headphones show up and take him away? I can't.
Speaker 1: That doesn't happen. It's a tape recorder. Him in here,
Speaker 1: He'll hear everything, and that's embarrassing. Get shut him off,
Speaker 1: turn pause, put him into a drawer in another room,
Speaker 1: and pick him up when you go to work tomorrow
Speaker 1: to fucking tape recorder. You do what? Never mind? I
Speaker 1: am leaving you. Hello. UM, my name is Stephanie Kay.
Speaker 1: I am newly and my partner was obsessed with a mouse.
Speaker 1: It was a Bluetooth mouse, and God, he'd bring it everywhere,
Speaker 1: asked if it was able to that to anything, to
Speaker 1: just scroll around, and then if it did, which most
Speaker 1: of the time I did because most things are sucking bluetooth.
Speaker 1: He was just clicking around, clicking room c looking around,
Speaker 1: and I lost him. I lost him to that mouse.
Speaker 1: And I'm so sorry. I don't know why. I just
Speaker 1: had to say something. I'm I'm sorry. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to say something. Thank you, Thank you, Stephanie. There's no
Speaker 1: apology necessary. And these are safe walls that you stand
Speaker 1: inside of. We're all here to crazy way to describe
Speaker 1: a room. I'm sorry, that's just a room. I've never
Speaker 1: heard anyone describe it like I mean, even just like
Speaker 1: an open space. It could be safe. You know, it's
Speaker 1: safe in here, So it's okay that you're all. I
Speaker 1: don't feel safe in here because of how you're describe
Speaker 1: I don't. I feel like the walls might drop and
Speaker 1: then like a whole bunch of dogs will just be
Speaker 1: released on to me. Is any rational? Is any rational? Fear? No? No? Okay,
Speaker 1: what anyone else likes, I'll say something else. I'll go
Speaker 1: back up and say something. Yeah, that's a weird noise.
Speaker 1: So alright, State Recorder, she's in that meeting. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: hold you up and I need you to play in
Speaker 1: your eyes all right, and then maybe she'll come back
Speaker 1: to me. I don't know how well you amplify it
Speaker 1: because your pocket sized. And hopefully she hears it. But
Speaker 1: we'll see what happens. Oh, come back to me your ship? Ship?
Speaker 1: Is it? Because I poured some buch shots on you?
Speaker 1: Oh hai, old prospector. I was, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: was trying to move my wife back, my partner here,
Speaker 1: and I got so deep into work that you know,
Speaker 1: the State Recorder became my life and she left me in.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know that your only love as gold,
Speaker 1: but how do you how do you show it that
Speaker 1: it's the most important thing. Well, I'll tell you this.
Speaker 1: My partner was my pick axe right here, Charlie. Now,
Speaker 1: this piece and me went everyway together, and I I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be honest I try to make love to it,
Speaker 1: and when I did, I I did some horrible things
Speaker 1: at the bottom half of my body. I um actress
Speaker 1: too shop. I cut my scholf up pretty bad, you know,
Speaker 1: I cut up You're on You're on a public street,
Speaker 1: and that's a weapon, and I feel like I have
Speaker 1: to take you in, but I don't want you because
Speaker 1: I really admire you your spirit. Gunner. I'm reinstated in
Speaker 1: the program. That prospector you arrested was actually the head
Speaker 1: of a cartel gold ring and you busted four hundred
Speaker 1: billion dollars worth of counterfeit the Boollians. Gunner. I'm raising
Speaker 1: your pay to more. Oh, it's all been worth it.
Speaker 1: Losing my wife and she still want to talk to me,
Speaker 1: returned my calls. But to know that I've got this
Speaker 1: morning now to put away everything. Connor, this is working, Okay.
Speaker 1: I want to leave home at home and work here. Okay.
Speaker 1: I don't need to know what's going on in your
Speaker 1: personal do you hear me? Hey captain sorry interrupted? Oh wow,
Speaker 1: did you have these walls painted? I feel so safe
Speaker 1: in here. Yeah yeah, well I actually wrote safe on
Speaker 1: all the walls. So oh that's got that squeak again.
Speaker 1: I know we're celebrating the four hundred billion dollar booie
Speaker 1: and bust, but there's a goddamn massacre at four three
Speaker 1: zero six way More place. It was hummus and blood everywhere. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got it. Come on. I love you, oh my,
Speaker 1: and I have so many feelings for you. But this
Speaker 1: is not the time. I have to stop this. I
Speaker 1: love it, I love you more. It's not the time.
Speaker 1: Don't do this, Okay. I know it's not the time.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, I gotta get down there. I love you, Okay, Okay, Chief,
Speaker 1: I love you too. I know it's not the time.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go down on now. Okay, Chief, I know
Speaker 1: I gotta go. Okay, Connor of the director that need
Speaker 1: to have the captain of a police department. They're all dead.
Speaker 1: They're all dead, okay. Closed Well, no, no, no, we don't.
Speaker 1: We still gotta apprehend the people who the assailants, the
Speaker 1: people who committed the crimes. But no one's breathing. Thompson,
Speaker 1: Have you just been running back and forth to the
Speaker 1: crime sheet. Yeah, it's I mean four three zero six
Speaker 1: way More places, right, Yeah, you guys should see it.
Speaker 1: If you open the door. Actually, captain, can I up
Speaker 1: in your planes of cos right there? Whoa? Where you
Speaker 1: where you point? A lot of there? No, you're looking
Speaker 1: over there. The sun is in yours as you're looking
Speaker 1: in the reflection of the window. I'm looking directly at
Speaker 1: the down Wait a second, guys, guys, tape recorder has
Speaker 1: been missing for half an hour. Could it be this
Speaker 1: whole time? He Oh my god, you cool. That's our
Speaker 1: shouting out. Sorry, you've only got so much we can
Speaker 1: afford of the rights of that song. Fantastic. I want
Speaker 1: to thank all the bar Alchemists today, especially Mr James
Speaker 1: eeny James, thanks so much for being here. Oh, thanks
Speaker 1: for having me. It's uh, it's a lot of fun. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So we'll work on some technical things between episodes. I
Speaker 1: think I'll be able to fix it before the next episode.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna use a secondary laptop if you can
Speaker 1: get closer to your camera. Also, you're so damn handsome. Uh,
Speaker 1: I can barely see you. Look like you're in hell
Speaker 1: the bowels of health. That's the background, and you seem
Speaker 1: very cold. But you're also like half the normal size,
Speaker 1: and I'm missing that sweet, sweet heeny face and congrats
Speaker 1: again on the commercial. What was that? Was that? The
Speaker 1: sweet sweet nation Schnitzel enjoyed the hell out of that. Man,
Speaker 1: I remember you telling us about the movable uh wig
Speaker 1: or whatever that ponytail thing is. Yeah, it was. It
Speaker 1: was controlled with a remote control. There was a team
Speaker 1: of people remote controlling everybody's pony. Whole team of people.
Speaker 1: It's awesome. A team. Yeah. And the same person that
Speaker 1: worked on my hair, the same person that did your
Speaker 1: hair stuff for uh for the whole ten yards Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's crazy. And and they also work on a mandalorian anyways,
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, they did great. To see you, James, Caroline Carter,
Speaker 1: James Genie, thank you so much for being here today.
Speaker 1: And well, uh, you will not be joining us for
Speaker 1: the second show, I understand, but I greatly appreciate you
Speaker 1: making the first one. Where can folks find you if
Speaker 1: you would like them to? Well, I don't want anyone
Speaker 1: to find me anywhere, but if you did, it's on.
Speaker 1: You can find me on Instagram on Carter poop and
Speaker 1: maybe tell me what I should do with my life. Yes, please,
Speaker 1: someone out there help offer a rudder fox sake. Thank you,
Speaker 1: cal Chris Alvaratz thank you for having me. I was
Speaker 1: on the phone with Jessica the other day. She's in
Speaker 1: Orange County and while we're talking, she goes James Heeney's
Speaker 1: on TV and she's so she had to watch your
Speaker 1: spot while listening while talking to me. Is a really
Speaker 1: fun moment for both of us. We're so proud of you, dude,
Speaker 1: and that's all I want to say. Yield my time,
Speaker 1: Mr col Stratton talks so much for joining us again.
Speaker 1: Of course, thanks for having me. Sidebar on the Jessica
Speaker 1: Low Things. She has a very funny part at the
Speaker 1: end of Desperadoes now on Netflix. F y I uh yeah,
Speaker 1: go to uh at cold strand at Stratton calling very
Speaker 1: social things. God s sketch Fest dot com rent some videos.
Speaker 1: Help support the festival. There's a lot of good ship
Speaker 1: on there. More good stuff coming, please do. Joey Graherman,
Speaker 1: Please check out Bear Supply live on the internet on
Speaker 1: Westie Comedy Theaters, Twitch Channel's twitch dot tv backs West
Speaker 1: Comedy Theater every Wednesday at seven o'clock. Please continue a
Speaker 1: right to us your name here and almy just dot com.
Speaker 1: Love to read your emails and here from all of
Speaker 1: you means the world to us, Please stay safe and
Speaker 1: remember to wash your hands as often as possible. Social
Speaker 1: distance your ship, and uh let's get big. Thanks to
Speaker 1: our producing engineer the stars, Mr Duck Bain Ba ba
Speaker 1: ba baby, the fine folks that I heart media. I'm
Speaker 1: Kevin Pollock. Thank you all for being there. Be safe
Speaker 1: until next time