Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.
Speaker 1: Never told your production of I Heart Radio. Here's a
Speaker 1: question for you. I feel like you've told me before,
Speaker 1: but I can't remember. Have you ever been in a play? Oh,
Speaker 1: we have not talked about this, and yes, I was
Speaker 1: actually in drama for two or three years. Oh what
Speaker 1: was your starring role? Give me some hits, Samantha McVeigh. Hits.
Speaker 1: So I figured out that I'm a lazy, lazy person,
Speaker 1: so memorizing things was not my favorite. And even though
Speaker 1: they liked my talent as an actor, I didn't get
Speaker 1: leading roles. I was my very first production. I was
Speaker 1: a stage manager and I didn't know what the hell
Speaker 1: I was doing. But because I talked to the game
Speaker 1: of looking like I was organized and knew what I
Speaker 1: was doing, they put me there and then it was
Speaker 1: one of our competition plays. It's a huge mistake, huge mistake.
Speaker 1: We didn't do awful, but I was a nervous wreck.
Speaker 1: But we did many a place with its sound off,
Speaker 1: no noises off, and that wow, this is how long
Speaker 1: it was noises off? Um, and I played I forgot
Speaker 1: what character it was. I was very maternal apparently in
Speaker 1: my roles. Uh. In most of the plays, I will
Speaker 1: give you that. For some reason, they put me as
Speaker 1: a mother figure. I don't know. Did you dies, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Did you get nervous? Were you nervous performer?
Speaker 1: I can't remember being nervous. I think that I was
Speaker 1: nervous building up, kind of like how you and I
Speaker 1: have talked about this fact. Until I get on that
Speaker 1: stage or onto that moment, I'm good, but it's the
Speaker 1: build up. Yeah. Um. And even now as I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about it, I can't quite remember all of my roles.
Speaker 1: But I will say I had really good comedic timing
Speaker 1: enough to know when I would get the big laughs.
Speaker 1: And I usually would was the one that would get
Speaker 1: the big laughs. That's a skill. I mean, I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: and I think I already know this answer. But you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not talked about have you been in place? Well?
Speaker 1: I know you've been in movies. You've been in tons
Speaker 1: of movies, but well, tons is an exaggeration, but I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Uh, I have been in place. What My
Speaker 1: first role was tree number two? Uh? In the play
Speaker 1: The Square, So bar on the Square play from Delonaga.
Speaker 1: I was Tree Number two and also the Shopoholic UM.
Speaker 1: And I was an extremely nervous performer, Like I even
Speaker 1: would get cast in like a wead role and then
Speaker 1: I would lose it because my voice would just shaker.
Speaker 1: I would shake and my my brain would go like
Speaker 1: totally numb. Um. And then I did a bunch of
Speaker 1: plays back when I was deter rman to be an actor,
Speaker 1: like maybe six years ago, and all of them are
Speaker 1: really really messed up dramatic roles. Um. And I had
Speaker 1: an instance and this this is very embarrassing, but I
Speaker 1: will share it UM, where I was a very I
Speaker 1: was clearly struggling with a lot of emotional issues with
Speaker 1: my husband in the play, and there was one part
Speaker 1: where I like crouched out and I was saying something
Speaker 1: really serious and everyone was like, oh, so good. And
Speaker 1: afterwards somebody came up to me. I was like, that
Speaker 1: was a really bold choice you made, uh, because my
Speaker 1: fly had come on the zipford come undone when I
Speaker 1: crouched and I was wearing white underwear that were stained
Speaker 1: with blood, but it was stage prop blood from another
Speaker 1: thing I had done, and so they thought it was
Speaker 1: some kind of weird like miscarriage. Thing I was doing,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh no, please tell me you
Speaker 1: leaned into that. I mean, oh, I pretended like, ok,
Speaker 1: I guess okay. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had
Speaker 1: any mishaps like that. Most of mine roles I always,
Speaker 1: like I said, I was very maternal or matron lee.
Speaker 1: So I had the old makeup and gray hair. Those
Speaker 1: were the main problems for me. So I didn't have
Speaker 1: that type of mishap. Yeah. I for some reason, I
Speaker 1: get always the like very troubled. Yeah this is yeah,
Speaker 1: make kind of fit our personalities a little bit, A
Speaker 1: little bit, a little bit, I don't know I feel
Speaker 1: about that, but not really troubled. But you can get
Speaker 1: to that point, which is why you write tragedy in itself. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I like a good drama, like a good tragedy. They're
Speaker 1: definitely my favorite. I did do a comedy and that
Speaker 1: one was much more intimidating to be by far Um.
Speaker 1: But anyway, all that to say all of that to say,
Speaker 1: we're talking about productivity again, but also uh specifically specifically
Speaker 1: performance guilt, which is something I've been experiencing. And while
Speaker 1: we do have jobs that are performance based, I do
Speaker 1: think what We're talking about a lot of people do experience.
Speaker 1: It's not just performers who feel it. Um So Yeah,
Speaker 1: since COVID there have been so many articles on productivity
Speaker 1: during the pandemic and quarantine, alternately claiming it's okay to
Speaker 1: not be productive, or like, don't even imagine being productive,
Speaker 1: or don't treat this like a sabbatical, don't waste time
Speaker 1: in quotes are tips on how to be more productive,
Speaker 1: and many other articles on how this whole thing has
Speaker 1: further exposed in always on work culture Right, and though
Speaker 1: we talked about it not too long ago, we wanted
Speaker 1: to readdress what does productivity look actually look like today?
Speaker 1: And are we overdoing it? Does our go get them
Speaker 1: and do more attitude help or hurt? And yeah, the
Speaker 1: whole level of does it put to the point that
Speaker 1: we have to perform and show once again we are
Speaker 1: always on top of it, We are amazing. We can
Speaker 1: never be you know, at fault for things and even
Speaker 1: we you and I have talked about this plenty of
Speaker 1: times that it kind of comes into if we're not perfect,
Speaker 1: if we're not always on point, Yes, part of our
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome that we're not doing enough and so therefore
Speaker 1: we're not qualified for this. Yeah, And to be clear,
Speaker 1: this is not uh something that has been limited to
Speaker 1: quarantine for me and I know for probably most people. Um,
Speaker 1: but in our job specifically, there are times where, for
Speaker 1: one reason or another, I am just not on, like
Speaker 1: it's not there. And I remember once I I had
Speaker 1: just found out this like horrible news, and I had
Speaker 1: to go into a studio and I recorded the episode,
Speaker 1: and every every now and then I think about that
Speaker 1: episode and people wrote in and they're like, it just
Speaker 1: sounded like you weren't interested, that you weren't into it,
Speaker 1: and they were right, and it's it's like that balancing
Speaker 1: act of this has to be done. There's a deadline,
Speaker 1: but I don't have it. And that's happening more and
Speaker 1: more during quarantine because there are so many stressors, there's
Speaker 1: so much stuff, and it feels like such an excuse
Speaker 1: when and sometimes it's not even you or me, or
Speaker 1: it could be someone else on our team there they
Speaker 1: are not there that day or whatever for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: and the work suffers for it. And I felt such
Speaker 1: a guilt about it, like I'll lie awake thinking about it. Right,
Speaker 1: I think you and I have had this before. I mean, um,
Speaker 1: recently I kind of lost it and said, I can't
Speaker 1: do this today, I can't do this. I am monitor
Speaker 1: my voice changes. I think that's you and I've talked
Speaker 1: about this. I actually a more monotone. I've become very
Speaker 1: just robotic and trying to move through it. Um. But myself,
Speaker 1: as a social worker who has gone through, you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of therapy and stuff, also, I am angry
Speaker 1: with myself that I can't I just won't sit um.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it is it's this, It's
Speaker 1: this balancing act of fulfilling your obligations and being responsible,
Speaker 1: but at the same time listening to your body and
Speaker 1: listening to your mental health as well. So where is
Speaker 1: that balance? Who are you hurting? What are you hurting?
Speaker 1: And who do you owe allegiance to? At the point time,
Speaker 1: it kind of does feel like you're betraying someone if
Speaker 1: you can't entertain them to a certain point. I know,
Speaker 1: you know, you and I have talked about this a
Speaker 1: lot of times. As in fact, we talked about it
Speaker 1: because you and I hang out often and we communicate
Speaker 1: so differently about what we want or having to make
Speaker 1: decisions or who's doing what that we over communicate sometimes.
Speaker 1: I know I do because I want to make sure
Speaker 1: it's perfect. But anxiety level of being perfect or making
Speaker 1: something perfect and making everyone comfortable, it's so high. And
Speaker 1: then you put yourself in a pandemic in the quarantine
Speaker 1: where you've backtrack and everything you may have done wrong,
Speaker 1: and this is this is an overwhelming guilt. And then
Speaker 1: at the same time, you're not doing enough. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it is. And I think because we are hearing, we're
Speaker 1: seeing all these articles about how to be more protective
Speaker 1: or or the other day I was reading somebody and
Speaker 1: good for her, but she was like, I'm having the
Speaker 1: best time in Corny. I'm getting all this done. And
Speaker 1: we we put that pressure on ourselves and it may
Speaker 1: I get angry too. I'm like, well, why can't I
Speaker 1: be better at this? It's not like I have other faiths,
Speaker 1: right right? Um? And we did our in our remote
Speaker 1: work episode that came out recently, we talked about this
Speaker 1: and about kind of this bleed of working home life
Speaker 1: and that balance and how a lot of us actually aren't.
Speaker 1: We're working more, right, but I feel like I'm working more,
Speaker 1: but I'm not working better and that upsets me. But
Speaker 1: I also am trying to be compassionate of well, there
Speaker 1: is a lot going on and there's only so much
Speaker 1: you can push yourself. I think it's also because you
Speaker 1: are quarantined, especially you you're by yourself, and as well
Speaker 1: as you have done and as much support group you
Speaker 1: may have, the inner dialogue never dies. And being by yourself,
Speaker 1: you who have trouble sleeping, myself who has trouble with
Speaker 1: depression and anxiety both, it just kind of builds on
Speaker 1: itself when you start to argue and you allow the
Speaker 1: darker side to take over, and it kind of like
Speaker 1: I just got done with the Caroline on and lady
Speaker 1: like doing an Instagram life thing and I feel awful,
Speaker 1: and not because I did anything wrong, but I'm just
Speaker 1: second guessing everything I said and feeling embarrassed about half
Speaker 1: the things I said and if I probably went back
Speaker 1: and looked at it, which I haven't. M H, it
Speaker 1: was fine, Yeah, I mean, my rational part of me
Speaker 1: is everything was fine, but the inner dialogue that I
Speaker 1: can't shut off, and especially trying to perform, especially being
Speaker 1: you know, I want to do these things. I want
Speaker 1: to be better at these things. So this is a
Speaker 1: great time to learn your skills, you know, to better
Speaker 1: your skills, but then feeling like, oh, yeah, there's nothing
Speaker 1: I can do right, yeah, And I just want to say,
Speaker 1: like not to tuot our own horror. I think we've
Speaker 1: been doing a great job. It's just it does come
Speaker 1: down to inner dialogue and just having days where you
Speaker 1: it's such a slog and I know a lot of
Speaker 1: people are feeling that. And it was interesting when I
Speaker 1: was researching this kind of, like very briefly, I found
Speaker 1: a lot of articles about how people use hustle the
Speaker 1: side hustle as a way to convince ourselves that we
Speaker 1: have control where we actually probably don't, especially in a
Speaker 1: capitalistic society that doesn't really care about you, Like oh,
Speaker 1: if I do this and do this and do this,
Speaker 1: I'll succeed, Like these are things I have control over,
Speaker 1: And how a lot of people, particularly in the United States,
Speaker 1: use productivity as a coping mechanism, and that ranks so
Speaker 1: true for me of like, well, what did what did you?
Speaker 1: What did this day amount to? Oh, I did this
Speaker 1: list of things. I accomplished this list of things, And
Speaker 1: how some people have even made it almost a moral
Speaker 1: thing where it's like something you are a good person
Speaker 1: if you're productive. Um, and then of course we all
Speaker 1: know people are behave differently under stressed. Some thrive under
Speaker 1: stressed and some don't. But just U, I guess I've
Speaker 1: never really thought about it in that way, and this
Speaker 1: is a time where I'm having to examine it. I know.
Speaker 1: I've seen a lot of people doing the whole if
Speaker 1: I speak it out, it will come true, so you know,
Speaker 1: bringing words to life essentially, and I've seen that as
Speaker 1: a conversation about making money and so the hustle um
Speaker 1: doing this, I'm going to have a savings account. I've
Speaker 1: seen that as a big thing and that's great, lofty goals.
Speaker 1: But for me as a part of it's like, oh
Speaker 1: I can't. It's not because I'm being self deprecated, because
Speaker 1: that's not possible, you know, Like that's for everyone. And
Speaker 1: putting this out there for yourself as self motivation it's great,
Speaker 1: but setting yourself up to fail is a whole different story.
Speaker 1: And that's what I've seen a lot of, like the
Speaker 1: back and forth of like, yeah, these are really great things,
Speaker 1: but realistically you're in an area, you're in a country
Speaker 1: that if you've not been given these things because your
Speaker 1: family already has it. You may not ever, and that
Speaker 1: doesn't make you any less. Just because you didn't have
Speaker 1: the same opportunities does not make you less. But you
Speaker 1: set yourself up to fail when you put that same
Speaker 1: standards on yourself as those who's got the money, who's
Speaker 1: that money, and pretend like that was their goal. It's
Speaker 1: just it's really interesting to see these American dreams when
Speaker 1: it's like, it's not an American dream, it's a rich
Speaker 1: person jury. It's the billionaire's dream to continue to get
Speaker 1: more money because they've already had that money, or being
Speaker 1: to continue or has a big system that helps them
Speaker 1: build up. So this could be a whole conversation if
Speaker 1: we're talking about monetarily successful capitalism and who doesn't help
Speaker 1: doesn't really help the working man? No man, well man, yes, yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: that is a whole big conversation, um and all, and
Speaker 1: a lot of this could be expounded out, but for now,
Speaker 1: that's sort of it's been on my mind lately, a
Speaker 1: lot of guilt around not it's not that I'm not productive,
Speaker 1: I am, it's now I have a guilt that it's
Speaker 1: not good what I'm producing and it's only going to
Speaker 1: get worse because contrary to what you see on social media,
Speaker 1: things are not getting better and we should not necessarily
Speaker 1: operate at full yeah social status. Um, but continue because
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I've put up some really pretty
Speaker 1: pictures of beaches, but I've been fortunate enough to have
Speaker 1: connections like you and people who have been uh quarantined
Speaker 1: enough and have a small circle, and then being able
Speaker 1: to be in an isolated area but outside of that
Speaker 1: that's it, and seeing people like talking about traveling and
Speaker 1: going and seeing in restaurants and things, and and I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh no, I'm missing out. Maybe I'm overreacting. But at
Speaker 1: the same time, but also part of this is like
Speaker 1: we had over a thousand deaths today alone. You know, Um,
Speaker 1: that's not happen. It's not nothing slowing down. It's continuing
Speaker 1: to be worse. It's continuing to happen. The fires in
Speaker 1: California are ugly, are like really really horrendous and very
Speaker 1: very tragic, and it's not slowing down. So not to
Speaker 1: be the sad sack of the group as I always am,
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily going to be better. We're gonna have
Speaker 1: to start allowing ourselves to forgive ourselves on everything we
Speaker 1: can't meet and that's part of the trick of this
Speaker 1: whole damn thing. Yeah it is, it is, um, and
Speaker 1: we're all figuring it out. It's different for everybody, so
Speaker 1: but it's okay. We're here with you. We are. I
Speaker 1: still KNT makes our dough bread neither well, I haven't tried,
Speaker 1: but I suspect it won't go well. I am going
Speaker 1: to try it though, trand as like everyone's done with it,
Speaker 1: that's right when I'm like, it's time I paused on
Speaker 1: my knitting. Uh, my basil plants have died the only
Speaker 1: place I have. They died because I was gone this
Speaker 1: week and um, I didn't set up proper right my
Speaker 1: own mind row. Um. So yes, I have a million
Speaker 1: many of failures in my pocket, but it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I won't keep trying. I'll go buy another basic plant somewhere.
Speaker 1: This is an interesting It became more of a downer
Speaker 1: than I thought it was going to be, but I
Speaker 1: should have known that's what we do. Yeah, well, we
Speaker 1: would listen together. Um. We would love to hear from
Speaker 1: any listeners about your thoughts on productivity and performance, guilt,
Speaker 1: or just how's it going for you was happening for you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how's your quarantine going? You can email us at Stuff Media,
Speaker 1: mom Stuff at I hurt media dot com. You can
Speaker 1: find us on Instagram at stuff I Never Told You
Speaker 1: are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always
Speaker 1: to our super producers Andrew Howard and j. J. Pasbay.
Speaker 1: Sorry for making you sad, and thanks to you for
Speaker 1: listening Stuff I've Never Told You, production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, Visito I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.