Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode about alchemy. That's COVID. You're
Speaker 1: saying that too much longer. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes,
Speaker 1: that Kevin Pollock. Well, when pigs Pigs five or gosh,
Speaker 1: next Tuesday, isn't horrible? When I digress, let's meet Roz
Speaker 1: MICHELLI no particular order. Say hey to Craig Kakowski. Kaw
Speaker 1: give us a completely selfish wish for one uh man,
Speaker 1: I'd love to shoot uh fifty episodes of television in
Speaker 1: fifty two weeks. It seems completely fair. I'd love that
Speaker 1: two weeks vacation, right, uh and guessing do you want
Speaker 1: broadcast television? So it's that extra broadcast television money that's
Speaker 1: exactly left, not even Fox. I want the old three
Speaker 1: Networks original three. Yes, I want the original three O
Speaker 1: three every day of the week. You know, these could
Speaker 1: be These could be fifty guest spots. That is a
Speaker 1: serious downplay on your selfish wish list. I think if
Speaker 1: I don't work fifty weeks, I can't qualify for the
Speaker 1: new SAG insurance. All right now, let's please welcome Caroline Carter.
Speaker 1: Dr Brown will see you now as a child, was
Speaker 1: it easy to sleep on Christmas Eve. Uh well, yes,
Speaker 1: but it took um getting used to because I'm sure
Speaker 1: this will come as a surprise to no one, But
Speaker 1: when I was a kid, I did have to sleep
Speaker 1: in a back brace um for my scolios. So that's
Speaker 1: unrelated to why I do comedy. It's just a little detail.
Speaker 1: I thought I care, but once I got yes, that's
Speaker 1: right exactly. Well, thank you for all of that. We
Speaker 1: all record in the show. Yeah, did you want to say?
Speaker 1: Now now that we've had this, you have to They're
Speaker 1: all saying, Hi, all right, happy festivals, happy festivates. Uh yeah,
Speaker 1: Gay Anthony, I'm the tallest man. And by the way,
Speaker 1: before you ask any question, I have literally just been
Speaker 1: crowned the tallest man in Valley Village, California. I'm very tall.
Speaker 1: I'm very tall. Well, then your question is how and
Speaker 1: why is that a thing? Well? They need you always
Speaker 1: need to know. Like when I walk into a room,
Speaker 1: I'm like, who's the biggest, who's the who's the dumpiest?
Speaker 1: Like I'm all about labels. I'm all about labels. I'm
Speaker 1: all about race and color and religions. And so I
Speaker 1: wrote the city council to ask if they have a
Speaker 1: tallest man yet, and they said no, And then I
Speaker 1: went out and got as a maasorer who comes around,
Speaker 1: and I went out and got his number, and the
Speaker 1: maajor it came to my hand. They measure you while
Speaker 1: you're sleeping, a praiser, the hide a praiser. So I'm
Speaker 1: literally the tallest man in Valley Buility, and you're even
Speaker 1: a little under like when you're laying down, you're the
Speaker 1: tallest right when you wake up in the morning. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: So that's why they maajoring while you're sleeping. I just
Speaker 1: did a spittake with coffee for real. Thank you, James Now, Christovarado,
Speaker 1: Chris Krinkleman, how are you at receiving horrible gifts? I'm
Speaker 1: bad at receiving gifts in general. I don't I've never
Speaker 1: understood the person who wants to open the gifts immediately
Speaker 1: from the person who's given it to them, say like
Speaker 1: a bar, like they're having a party at birthday party.
Speaker 1: I will hold the gifts, open them later at home,
Speaker 1: because I'm not that good of an actor to sit
Speaker 1: there and open it and look you right in your
Speaker 1: eyes and be like this is this is so great?
Speaker 1: I loathe that moment. And when I give someone a gift,
Speaker 1: I always say you don't have to open it. Now,
Speaker 1: you don't have to open I just hate that moment.
Speaker 1: So it is. It is a horrible moment. Also a
Speaker 1: quick note, looks like a Christmas angel this this mone
Speaker 1: record because her room is all white and she's wearing
Speaker 1: a white sweater and she looks looks very angelic. And
Speaker 1: the white snowball microphone also, it must be it must
Speaker 1: be the microphone. It's the snowball. It's subconsciously got him. Yeah.
Speaker 1: We had an aunt Bessie, who would always, uh, try
Speaker 1: on the new dress my mom would get her for
Speaker 1: the holiday, and then say does this make me look fat?
Speaker 1: And at eleven years old I had had it. Don't
Speaker 1: took me to eleven before I said, best, you want
Speaker 1: to know what makes you look fat? Vision we can
Speaker 1: see you want to lose a couple of pounds. Best, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just stepped on the paddle at eleven whatever, nobody
Speaker 1: was woke and you could say whatever you wanted anyway. Uh, James, Hey,
Speaker 1: there's James Heeny. Jimmy Schmankelhanes if asked by senator to
Speaker 1: create a replacement for ho ho ho, what do you got?
Speaker 1: Uh it would be um hmm, well I guess ho
Speaker 1: ho ho doesn't it's not really good. So I just
Speaker 1: I think it would be like hip hip hooray. Oh
Speaker 1: that's taken. That's taken. Uh, it would just be like married.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. Certainly not ho ho ho,
Speaker 1: because that's ridiculous. Uh. Maybe maybe hooray, hooray, hooray. But
Speaker 1: keeping it in threes, I like that. Yeah, well of course, yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: we don't have to have three. I didn't even consider
Speaker 1: can recommend them, by the way speak he he he.
Speaker 1: And last, but only two French ends. If you think
Speaker 1: of Lee's it's Joey Greer, Dill pickled Donny, Why no
Speaker 1: presents this year because people don't deserve them and let's
Speaker 1: do a damn show. All of our saint suggestions are
Speaker 1: gathered from their listener emails or from our Patreon v
Speaker 1: I p s to become a patron supporter of the
Speaker 1: show and enjoy exclusive content another perks, such as a
Speaker 1: video of what's happening right the funk Now. Just head
Speaker 1: on over to patreon dot com slash Alchemy if you'd
Speaker 1: like to submit a scene suggestion via email. Please write
Speaker 1: to the podcast. That's it just right to us. Oh
Speaker 1: at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
Speaker 1: your name here seen. One in fact comes from listener
Speaker 1: Kara or Kira. Mm hmm k I r a Kira, Kira.
Speaker 1: I think it's scared Knightly. Fu me, it says Kara Knightley.
Speaker 1: I didn't even see the last names, so weird. Kara
Speaker 1: Knightley wrote, hello again us. It's been listening for a
Speaker 1: long time and it was really to have my scene
Speaker 1: suggestion us. So it's let's see if I can reach
Speaker 1: that high again. Suggestion of paranoid store clerk that thinks
Speaker 1: everyone is stealing from his store. You've not heard the
Speaker 1: last for me, Kara Knightley, Indiana did not know she moved.
Speaker 1: And just one of those magazines from the lower rack
Speaker 1: over there. You want one of the Parnos, which one
Speaker 1: just one of one of the pornography magazines, which one
Speaker 1: just tell me my name? Yeah, Holy sh it, Dan Bishop,
Speaker 1: how are you doing? But you know, I was just
Speaker 1: around the neighborhood. I just bumped into your wife. I
Speaker 1: was like, well, how's Dan doing. She's like you want't
Speaker 1: you just pop into the convenience. Story's over in there.
Speaker 1: He's just like, you get some candy or something. And
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, whatever he gets, I'm gonna buy.
Speaker 1: Go so far, sir, it's just the jugs and some gum.
Speaker 1: Did you want anything else? That's fine? Yeah, we'll get
Speaker 1: a jug of milk. Yeah. Yeah, I'll get the jug
Speaker 1: of milk. So at very least it's two jugs of milk.
Speaker 1: But in this case, it's a magazine. It's a magazine.
Speaker 1: But what is this? Uh? No? And that's Kara Nitley
Speaker 1: on the cover. Wow, that's who I think. I have
Speaker 1: to tell you something. I uh, do you smell? What
Speaker 1: are you smelling? I can't excuse me. It was very
Speaker 1: generous of you to offer to buy whatever this man wanted.
Speaker 1: But did you just put some candy in your pocket?
Speaker 1: H Yeah? Did you just put the Snickers in your pocket? No? No,
Speaker 1: I put my hands in my pack your pockets? Please? Okay,
Speaker 1: listen up. We're gonna go in there, and you're act
Speaker 1: like nothing's happening. Okay, that's cause nothing's happening. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: actually nothing's happening, because nothing's happening. I have a gun
Speaker 1: in my jacket, right right, I understand that, I understand. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: just I'm already to acting like nothing's happening. Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: you're actually really good at this. Oh, thank you very much.
Speaker 1: I took up a class when I was in pre
Speaker 1: K through six. Oh look at my face is talking,
Speaker 1: and what what would happen is people would Okay, looking there,
Speaker 1: you're doing your job. Here we go changing chinging, alright,
Speaker 1: just browsing. We're just browsing. Excuse let me just tell
Speaker 1: the clerk. Hey, man, ain't nothing happening. What's that I said?
Speaker 1: Nothing's happening. Thank you for the update. Appreciate it. I
Speaker 1: didn't steal anything. I didn't take anything. No, no candy bar,
Speaker 1: I've been taking nothing. Why are you refusing to empty
Speaker 1: your pockets? Then? Because I didn't take anything, you're you're
Speaker 1: you're saying that you're what's under hey, captain jugs? Then
Speaker 1: talking to your pal. I think that I think that
Speaker 1: you're seeing is something underneath his jeans. You mean, it's
Speaker 1: pre talk inappropriate? You know what? I can't be in here.
Speaker 1: This is somebody's I worked with a friend of mine,
Speaker 1: Franco Franco from the appearance it actually it seems like
Speaker 1: something is happening in the head and if we add,
Speaker 1: if we add to it, then it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: whole thing happening. All right, I don't want this to
Speaker 1: be a whole state. Listen, we're in here so you
Speaker 1: can get two or three items to keep you alive
Speaker 1: for the next three days until your family sends me
Speaker 1: the money. Okay, right, right, So go ahead and pick
Speaker 1: out a couple of eyeas and let's get out of here. Happening.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna move fast, but I gotta think about this.
Speaker 1: I know I need protein, and I know cheese and peanut,
Speaker 1: but I have protein at them, so I'm probably gonna
Speaker 1: get some naps cheese and peanut, but the crack does
Speaker 1: Let me ask the man if they have naps because
Speaker 1: I only like naws. Look, I didn't do a damn
Speaker 1: all right, I'm not listen. I know you can talk
Speaker 1: on you. Yes, I'm sorry, Hold on a second, Yes, sir, Hey,
Speaker 1: nothing's happening, But do you have knabs, cheese and peanut butter? Crack?
Speaker 1: Because I got this copy of Jugs? Okay, okay, Mr
Speaker 1: Bishop Steve, Hey, Hey, guys, Hey, Bishop Franco, how are
Speaker 1: you doing? Hello? Hey, good, good good? This is um.
Speaker 1: This is Karen's brother. I know how are you okay? Good? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Last time I heard people were looking for you. This
Speaker 1: is amazing that you found in Franco. This is huge.
Speaker 1: Tell him, tell him how you're doing. Everything's fine, everything's fine,
Speaker 1: and nothing's happening. Everything's fine. Look at my shoulders move
Speaker 1: and they move because they everything's fine. Well, George, your
Speaker 1: kids are worried about you. Did you did you want
Speaker 1: to get in contact with them or anything? Or? Uh?
Speaker 1: Did you guys want to have this meeting in the
Speaker 1: parking lot? Because I know here to sell? This is
Speaker 1: a store. Do you have something in your pants? Dude?
Speaker 1: Definitely not talking to me. I'd like to purchase a
Speaker 1: copy of Jugs, please, sir? Would you like this month?
Speaker 1: I had? The last six months? The last six months,
Speaker 1: I don't take them all? Alrighty? Do you have the
Speaker 1: latest with Kira Nightley on the cover? We do, Okay,
Speaker 1: I have a Jug subscription, but I also enjoy picking
Speaker 1: it up in person. Interesting, and let me get the
Speaker 1: previous month with an even thinner woman. All right, let's see.
Speaker 1: My name is Claude Divine by the way, Mr Divine,
Speaker 1: lovely to meet you. Is there anything else I can
Speaker 1: get you? Uh? What are what are the pornographic magazines
Speaker 1: do you have? Well? We've got listening to this. Should
Speaker 1: we just go outside or I mean the Marrier photography
Speaker 1: for all I'm purchasing. We're around for the house, ye
Speaker 1: were that's supposed to it's if it's getting give it out.
Speaker 1: I'll take one. But that's not what I was Dand
Speaker 1: can you talk? Can you come and talk to me
Speaker 1: in the in the bedroom for a second? Um? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what was that? What was I? I wasn't coming to
Speaker 1: bed right now? I was to me in the bedroom?
Speaker 1: Didn't they going to bed with me? Dan? Okay, I
Speaker 1: have a second. What's up? What is up with you? Dan?
Speaker 1: Your your mind is scattering? You don't want to go
Speaker 1: in the bedroom. And little Henry he found a porno magh,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? What do you think to where? You
Speaker 1: know what? That? God damn wicker store. I am suspicious
Speaker 1: that behind the calendar they they sell nudy max. I
Speaker 1: bet you he got it there. I'll talk to them,
Speaker 1: my toolship. That's son of a bit. That's how they
Speaker 1: get people. Dad. Sorry, I can't sleep tonight. I just
Speaker 1: keep thinking about It's about Karen Knightly's boobs. Thought it
Speaker 1: was just all smooth underneath, like kind of under um,
Speaker 1: like the Reverence pants, you know, he has that bulge
Speaker 1: and his pants, and I just I'm thinking about um,
Speaker 1: Kierra Nightly, I'm really Scared's just go to It's okay, God,
Speaker 1: damn it. Dan, she has he has look at my face.
Speaker 1: I'm talking acting class coming up, all right, And now
Speaker 1: he's just in his head and he can't He's not
Speaker 1: gonna be able to focus. Well, do you think this
Speaker 1: is my fault? That's how they get people addicted to pornography.
Speaker 1: They go around to the neighborhood homes and they sneak
Speaker 1: this stuff in. Then you're gonna addicted to it. Where
Speaker 1: am I gonna find it? Is that? What happened? You
Speaker 1: found it? In? Whose toolship? You? We're looking for the sauce?
Speaker 1: You know what. I'm gonna talk to the owner of
Speaker 1: that club tomorrow or or there. Franco, I understand. I
Speaker 1: understand that my life is in great danger and that
Speaker 1: you at all times have a either a knife or
Speaker 1: be or gone or see some type of explosive device.
Speaker 1: Ain't at me, But if you take me to public places,
Speaker 1: sooner or later, people gonna realize something's going on. I'm
Speaker 1: a missing man, Franco. I know, I know, George. Look
Speaker 1: I've been doing something in myself. But Franco, well, you're
Speaker 1: my wife, you're my wife's brother. Yes, And I'm hoping
Speaker 1: your family sends me money, which means I'm asking for
Speaker 1: basically my in laws to send me money for your return.
Speaker 1: And Franco, we've we've all kidding that family members before.
Speaker 1: Is that true? Of course, we can't. Look. While we
Speaker 1: were in that store, I took a book called hey
Speaker 1: look who I stole? What? I took a book when
Speaker 1: we were in that store called hey look who I stole? Wow?
Speaker 1: Did you sell that for yourself? Or I took it
Speaker 1: for you? I saw hurt in your eyes? Here? Hold
Speaker 1: they got in a quick place. Okay, hold this knife? Please?
Speaker 1: All right, all these okay, let me take a look
Speaker 1: at that book. One page and the only page is
Speaker 1: page seventy two, and all the rest of the pages
Speaker 1: have been ripped out, and it's just it's it's like
Speaker 1: it's like aluminum foil. I can see my reflection in it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the whole point of the book. Hello neighbors, Sorry
Speaker 1: to interrupt Claude divine here, I have excess pornography. Uh
Speaker 1: did you would you mind taking some off my hands?
Speaker 1: Mr Franco has a two ship in the bat I'm
Speaker 1: afraid Mr Franco doesn't have a lot of roommate. Oh,
Speaker 1: there's always room for another pornography magazine. Well, if you
Speaker 1: got anything with a thin white lady on it, I'd
Speaker 1: be interested in. George loves thin white ladies. Do that
Speaker 1: is sne number one lad? Yeah, he too comes from Patreon.
Speaker 1: I p Moan You remember mo who wrote, Hey Gang,
Speaker 1: I love Caroline Cotter. What look at that? By the way,
Speaker 1: I take a number. So my scene suggestion is as follows.
Speaker 1: A group of burly pirates are excited for the release
Speaker 1: of the new Apple I Pad. They got the jokes
Speaker 1: built in. Thanks for all the laughs, patron supporter Mo
Speaker 1: Bourbon just has to go. Well, Okay, we've got Cure
Speaker 1: Nightly coming here. Okay, they're doing a whole new parts
Speaker 1: of the Caribbean exhibit here with us. All right, so
Speaker 1: look we've gotta sell this alright, I understand you get
Speaker 1: what I'm saying here. Okay, this is not just this
Speaker 1: is the flagship store here. People. We got a duty,
Speaker 1: all right, we did? Somebody say duty? The boss said duty?
Speaker 1: I did? I did? All right? Now listen, all right,
Speaker 1: check your pants? Check your pants? Check your pants? Who
Speaker 1: say duty must check? Yes? Pants? Okay? Oh my god?
Speaker 1: You know the old pirate right who duty must check?
Speaker 1: Kiss pants? Who does not move must learn? That's right?
Speaker 1: And if you don't have a ship in your pants,
Speaker 1: you gotta dance. Okay, I actually did need to change
Speaker 1: my pants. Um okay, and dance. Don't forget that part?
Speaker 1: Right mark, do you mind just taken over for a second,
Speaker 1: be right back. Okay, Hey guys, So today's the release
Speaker 1: of pretty big product. How did you you? Guys? Will
Speaker 1: you guys? Will How long have you worked here an Apple?
Speaker 1: Five years? Five years? Six days in an hour? Wow?
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just down here for the big release.
Speaker 1: I'm regional manager. When you say down here, where did
Speaker 1: you come from? Up there? Where? And you know what
Speaker 1: they say. If you step with your shoe, you must
Speaker 1: take a pooh. You right, step with your shoe, you
Speaker 1: must take a pooh. And if that hurts take off
Speaker 1: your shirt. That's hey, let's see you underneath the shirt.
Speaker 1: Let's see your underneath. Let's see the underneath. I'm not
Speaker 1: taking my shirt off. I'm not taking my shirt off.
Speaker 1: In fact, you guys aren't wearing the appropriate attire for
Speaker 1: the floor. Are you even trained to do the geek tables?
Speaker 1: The Apple? Hey? Mark, Look, I'm sorry to call you, you
Speaker 1: you know, so short note just right before the holidays too.
Speaker 1: But I'm looking at some of the complaints and all
Speaker 1: that here instead of the genius desk, and it's we
Speaker 1: got a whole brand thing we've been working on for
Speaker 1: a long time. Mark. You know that you've been with
Speaker 1: us since you know, we were in Presadena and we
Speaker 1: brought you over here in the downtown you know story
Speaker 1: because we wanted to. We wanted to bring the people
Speaker 1: that we trusted. But it seems like I don't know
Speaker 1: what's going on in your life. But I requested this
Speaker 1: week off for the holidays, and I'm a little scattered. Uh,
Speaker 1: most of my family ended up leaving without me to
Speaker 1: go on the Christmas vacation. I'm supposed to pop on
Speaker 1: over there afterwards. Well, Mark, I'm also looking out of
Speaker 1: the several employees have been working with you for a
Speaker 1: couple of years, five years, to be exactly. You just
Speaker 1: didn't know you store. You don't understand it. These people
Speaker 1: they aren't normal. Okay they have and it's gonna sound
Speaker 1: pretty judgy, but it's odd. They got pet clakes, they
Speaker 1: got gold teeth, they got eyes missing hooks, frands. I
Speaker 1: don't even know how to relate to them. Okay. I
Speaker 1: felt like I was being surrounded and somebody was gonna
Speaker 1: I don't know, I felt I felt like I was
Speaker 1: in danger town there. What do you mean? I can't
Speaker 1: get it, Dad. I want a new eye badge now,
Speaker 1: and I'll get out there. Those are for pirates. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take out my eye and they don't need the
Speaker 1: eye pats moon I did. If I take up my eye,
Speaker 1: I'll need an I patch. Hold her up. Look where
Speaker 1: we're getting burgers for the entire family. Okay, and that's
Speaker 1: all we're getting. We're not going to stop at the
Speaker 1: apple store. Okay. Hey, I'm gonna help you folks. Burgers. Yep,
Speaker 1: what kind of burgers would you like? They're kiddos, Dad,
Speaker 1: speak up, tell them what you want. Burger keeps taking
Speaker 1: a ship he's taking a shd inline. He must be
Speaker 1: a pirate. Pirus take boops. Remember that they poop and dance.
Speaker 1: Did you hire that guy to say that? No, Dad,
Speaker 1: to see I need it. I need it, sir. We
Speaker 1: need for burgers, family style, for burgers, family style coming
Speaker 1: up for family It smells like ship. Somebody shut up?
Speaker 1: Do you want me to ruin the holidays? Because I
Speaker 1: will until you need in public. I'm not getting you
Speaker 1: an iPad. Sorry. I know I said there are no
Speaker 1: bad ideas today, but Steve, come on, man the eye patch?
Speaker 1: What the fuck? Anybody else not? That's not helpful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have good idea, Laura. I guess first order of
Speaker 1: businesses maybe fire Steve stupid ass here. But before you
Speaker 1: fire my stupid ass, just just just hear me out here.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'd be great if you could pack.
Speaker 1: If your shouldn't be out by noon, but go ahead,
Speaker 1: let's hear you. Look, I'll pack my ship. I'll be
Speaker 1: out of here by noon. I'll be out of here
Speaker 1: by eleven fifty nine. If you guys don't understand what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, okay, I'm that sincere Marcia, I see that
Speaker 1: look on your face. I know, but look, look, look,
Speaker 1: I just think it's just sucking, stupid idea. So if
Speaker 1: that's reflected on my face, it's not. Yeah, that's the
Speaker 1: look I was talking. If I give it a name,
Speaker 1: it would be disdained. Let's hear you out, Steve. Remember
Speaker 1: Google Glass when that came around. Yeah it stunk, Yes,
Speaker 1: it did stink. Gave me did something better? It was?
Speaker 1: It was too much out there. It's like a like
Speaker 1: a fly with those convex eyes. You're simplified. Go down one,
Speaker 1: go down one, all the way down to pirates to
Speaker 1: one patch, one eye. Uh huh, keep talking. But that's
Speaker 1: all I had makes sense. I should like that idea.
Speaker 1: I like that idea, Steve. Are you saying that inside
Speaker 1: the patch the eye will see things like a cyborg
Speaker 1: the eyes able to see things. You can even pinch
Speaker 1: and zoom from the outside of it, can I just?
Speaker 1: I mean, here's my concern with it is if we're
Speaker 1: marketing this towards pirates and they happen to be missing
Speaker 1: one eye and they cover the one good eye they
Speaker 1: have with this patch, well then they won't be able
Speaker 1: to see anything. And if they cover their missing eye,
Speaker 1: well then then they won't see the patch. You see
Speaker 1: the problems. I got one more minute to walk out
Speaker 1: of here. Hold on a second, Laura, could you, uh
Speaker 1: explain a little bit further because I'm starting to feel
Speaker 1: what you're saying. Well, here's what I'm saying. Is this
Speaker 1: I at the Apple eye patch. It seems like it
Speaker 1: would be at least angled towards a big pirate market.
Speaker 1: But hold on, let me just I just explaining. Laura
Speaker 1: also sucks. She obviously still has her jaw wired shop
Speaker 1: from the surgery she had last week, so I'm know
Speaker 1: I'm talking about that. Yeah, you're teting a shot people. Okay,
Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen the moment you've been waiting for. Apple's
Speaker 1: keynote speaker, Lauren apple Ball. Okay, everybody, thank you. Here's
Speaker 1: the problem I am. I'm here to speak about the
Speaker 1: Apple I Patch, and let me preface it with I
Speaker 1: wasn't a big supporter of it in its creation, and
Speaker 1: I'm surprised at the excitement of it. Uh, but let
Speaker 1: me unfail it. I'm just gonna Did you hear her
Speaker 1: say that there was like a problem right off the bat?
Speaker 1: Did you hear she was saying something that she wasn't.
Speaker 1: She didn't support it. It It you guys. Yeah, so, Laura,
Speaker 1: I stopped the tape right there, because, as you can see,
Speaker 1: you started at the conference with a negative and in
Speaker 1: the history of into it. I didn't like this, I
Speaker 1: patch idea, and you made me talk about it. You
Speaker 1: knew I didn't like it, so you thought you would
Speaker 1: let everyone, if not the world, know that you didn't
Speaker 1: like it. Dead Do I have to bring up BEV
Speaker 1: to mom? Pull the car over, go to the mall. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it. You can tell mom about Mom
Speaker 1: knows about BEV. Oh she knows. Yeah, she does. I'm
Speaker 1: calling your blood. I'm calling your blood. Don't do it.
Speaker 1: Mom knows about BEV. Mom's in on the whole BEV thing.
Speaker 1: That's not true. It's true, you say, when you're making
Speaker 1: love to my husband. Yeah, what's the second favorite thing
Speaker 1: that you enjoy about it? When I'm making love to him,
Speaker 1: I guess I love how kind of small and thin
Speaker 1: his penis is. Oh my god, it's being made love
Speaker 1: to buy a needle. And that's how we met at
Speaker 1: our knitting circle. So it's nice to have that. I mean,
Speaker 1: you and I you remember that, right, of course, so
Speaker 1: we met. Yes, And so for me it's kind of
Speaker 1: nice because yeah, it reminds like I'm getting my insides
Speaker 1: knit together, you know what I mean? Are you satisfied
Speaker 1: now that I plays you with this voice memo my
Speaker 1: mom and Bev talking. I listened to that every morning
Speaker 1: I jack off to the No, we all we all
Speaker 1: know most of the faces here, but some people are
Speaker 1: new and uh, you're You're welcome here. And of course
Speaker 1: you don't have to talk about why your parents had
Speaker 1: an open sexual relationship while you were a child and
Speaker 1: how that's affected you now. But it looks like we
Speaker 1: get what else are we going to talk about? I mean,
Speaker 1: there's a group for I want to talk about. I
Speaker 1: want to openly talk about, to talk about. I think
Speaker 1: your name Franco, And looks like you brought someone with you,
Speaker 1: Is that right? Yeah, I'm Franco. This is more than
Speaker 1: a friend. He's also my brother. Hey Franco and George Franco. Look,
Speaker 1: I'm I'll just get cut right to it. I'm shocked
Speaker 1: that the trauma I endured as a child has led
Speaker 1: me to make the decisions I'm making as an adult
Speaker 1: in which decisions of those do you feel well, for instance,
Speaker 1: I have to say it here. This is a safe space.
Speaker 1: It's a safe space. Please, I'm holding George hostage Jesus.
Speaker 1: And I think it's because of the upper relationship that
Speaker 1: my parents have. I don't know what boundaries are. That's
Speaker 1: all I got. That's a great share. We've all we've
Speaker 1: all taken someone houstage. Yeah, we've all done that. The book.
Speaker 1: Look who I stole? No, yeah, so I think Franco.
Speaker 1: If you look under the tree, there's one more gift there.
Speaker 1: Christ's ruined anyway. It's a small It's a small gift
Speaker 1: once you open it. What okay, Dad? Yeah? Before I
Speaker 1: open this, I just want to say I love you
Speaker 1: and I'm sorry to sometimes I act out and I
Speaker 1: just love you. I understand it. I love you too. Okay,
Speaker 1: Dad did it? You can't imagine how hard that was
Speaker 1: to play cool in that burger store on the floor
Speaker 1: already got and I passed. That's gotta be bad. Hello, Hey,
Speaker 1: who are you expecting your wife or something? So we
Speaker 1: see that your son received one of the patches from
Speaker 1: the Anue Apple I patch. Yes, well, in order it's
Speaker 1: a really good one. You have to be a pirate
Speaker 1: and we need to come and remove one of your
Speaker 1: son's eyes and our peggage. Leg Well, which is it? Son?
Speaker 1: You want to lose an eye? Releg um. Now you
Speaker 1: wanted this damn thing. You wanted this damp. You have
Speaker 1: to pay the consequences. Choose an eye. Choose an eye?
Speaker 1: Do and I the eye and they both have their
Speaker 1: benefits and their drawbacks. Bobby, I'm not asking for your opinion.
Speaker 1: You gotta skateboard and that set you idiots stay away
Speaker 1: from my house. I wish he was my kid. That's
Speaker 1: in too. Oh my, oh my, everybuddy I said, oh my.
Speaker 1: S three comes from Robert, who wrote super impressed with
Speaker 1: how y'all have carried on in spite of the inherent
Speaker 1: difficulty in this format over zoom. Oh, I thought I
Speaker 1: was gonna say the pandemic. He's he's thanking for carrying on,
Speaker 1: uh in zoom and bless you for doing so because
Speaker 1: it's really helping anyway. My scene suggestion should you choose
Speaker 1: it is Christopher Walkin teaches poker to amateurs. Hugs and
Speaker 1: claps from Hellhole, Alabama. Robert. Now, Robert, normally I would
Speaker 1: have not only not included this in the show, but
Speaker 1: I would have buried it in the backyard along with
Speaker 1: the dog's bones. But since it's the holidays, this is
Speaker 1: Festivus as we're recording, Um, I just uh I yes,
Speaker 1: and you're ridiculousness. And now we take it to Christopher
Speaker 1: Walking teaching poker to amateurs. So we're supposed to look
Speaker 1: at the side of the cause with numbers and let
Speaker 1: us on them while we're looking at the other side
Speaker 1: of This is so confusing. There's no bad questions here,
Speaker 1: as I said at the top, but I also add
Speaker 1: that the numbers and pictures you're looking at helpful in
Speaker 1: the back of the cards are not keep that in
Speaker 1: mind if you would. So the back of the cards,
Speaker 1: the ones with the pick the numbers, well, jokes on
Speaker 1: you dumbasses. I write everything on the back of my cards.
Speaker 1: So I got NASA diamonds. I'm gonna write that on
Speaker 1: this with silver sharpiel. That helps me know what I
Speaker 1: can that sharpie, Mr Walker, Mr Walking, Yes, yes you're there.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know if I told you exactly
Speaker 1: why I'm here, but I need to learn how to
Speaker 1: win at poker because I'm playing a match to get
Speaker 1: my son back next week and it's imperative that I went. First.
Speaker 1: Of all, let me commend you on the ipatch. It's
Speaker 1: very attractive and works in all weather. You notice you
Speaker 1: have to win your son back. Yeah. Interesting? Okay are
Speaker 1: you Are you clearly yet on which kind of poker
Speaker 1: game you'll be engaged in for this, I can read
Speaker 1: what it says here it says or not. You can
Speaker 1: also five card is that A one? Is that five
Speaker 1: cards stud? It's known in poke apollance. Sure, okay, so
Speaker 1: it's really simp to win everybody. I hope you will
Speaker 1: indulge me in this journey. It's gonna be it's gonna
Speaker 1: take just to say. I hate to say this, but
Speaker 1: I'm actually I'm brushing up my skill because I've been
Speaker 1: chosen to play against you. That's surprising unless there's two
Speaker 1: people being held hostitch for a child in a game. Well,
Speaker 1: it is unfortunate that your opponent is here. Because I'm
Speaker 1: about to this, you must share with you the secrets
Speaker 1: to five cards Stud, which has been known since two
Speaker 1: You take out your revolver and you shoot your opponent
Speaker 1: in the face. I don't have a revolver, but I've
Speaker 1: got a gun with the clip. Well, you fellow with
Speaker 1: the Iron Patch seemed to have a leg up. Okay, good,
Speaker 1: thanks you bet Jim? Yes, what happened? How are you
Speaker 1: ready to do west On back? Or what? Oh my god?
Speaker 1: Oh god? What's going on at? What did you learn?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I will not ask you guys again to
Speaker 1: leave the library if your wife keeps making a fuss
Speaker 1: like this. I remember I have a car. I don't care,
Speaker 1: I do. I see that no one on a part
Speaker 1: can get in here. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm seriously trying
Speaker 1: to read Paige seventy two of this book. Could you
Speaker 1: please get them to shut up? I'm trying, I am trying.
Speaker 1: Excuse me? Where is your erotica section? Um? Sir, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: We had banned you from the library. I don't know
Speaker 1: how you got back in. Very good. Yes. Do you
Speaker 1: still have a Dewey decimal system? Huh? Yes, we do.
Speaker 1: What do you need to find? I need? Hey? These
Speaker 1: are My Balls by James Heeney. So why did you
Speaker 1: need to know if we have a Dewey decimal system?
Speaker 1: If you need the name of the book was okay? Okay?
Speaker 1: Why did you send my parents to the library because
Speaker 1: we had to duke. You you understand. Yeah, as we
Speaker 1: leave little clues and little Hinsey's around the way around township,
Speaker 1: they can't figure it out. Hey, Jamaican, are you still
Speaker 1: telling people we leave Hinse's all over the place. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with that? You're talking baby talk? You're talking
Speaker 1: baby talk. Well, I'm talking baby talkers. It's cut and
Speaker 1: ship to talk like a little baby ship. But nobody
Speaker 1: of a guy who's cuty ship. Come on, guys, I
Speaker 1: got some bad news, huh. I I don't think I'm
Speaker 1: gonna win this poker match. I think what do you guys?
Speaker 1: You never do it? I got it. I got more
Speaker 1: bad news for you. Apparently I have your voice now,
Speaker 1: I got bad news. I'm the cuterst guy to us.
Speaker 1: All right, baby, just calm down, calm down before we
Speaker 1: got to find it. Hints, we got to find hints.
Speaker 1: I think you've gotten louder. I think you've gotten louder
Speaker 1: since I last asked you to be quiet. And for me,
Speaker 1: that's a problem. For what so, sir, you're a woman.
Speaker 1: Your wife is making siren noises. I think it's because
Speaker 1: she doesn't want our son back. I think she's causing
Speaker 1: a scene because yes, I don't care. I don't care
Speaker 1: about your personal issue. Do you know how many parents
Speaker 1: with lost children we have coming through the library every day?
Speaker 1: We have books on microfish. Yes it's in the it's
Speaker 1: in the micro fish section, but it's not the micro fish,
Speaker 1: it's next to it fish. All I know is my
Speaker 1: dad is the best at whatever he does. And if
Speaker 1: he doesn't know it already, he's gonna learn it, and
Speaker 1: he's gonna learn it from the best. Hey, kid, I
Speaker 1: got a question for you. Okay, totally platonic here, who's
Speaker 1: the cutest? What you know? Look? Look, I guess it's
Speaker 1: time to find out. Just be honest with his kid?
Speaker 1: Is he cuted? At? Mean? Look at these cheeks? Look
Speaker 1: at these changes about the cheeks, Look at this Look
Speaker 1: at this karate kick? That doesn't help anything? Well, I
Speaker 1: mean Jamaican. Jamaican has you know, probably the highest cheek
Speaker 1: bones and Barbados. Barbados has like a great head of hair.
Speaker 1: Come on, look at his head a hair? Come on,
Speaker 1: run your fingers do a Jamaican and smooth me. And who,
Speaker 1: Mr Walker, I think someone's at the door, jan Now,
Speaker 1: what do you want me to answer it? Well? That
Speaker 1: one yes, okay, what Hi? Hello? Can I help you either? Um?
Speaker 1: I was, um, I wanted to speak to Mr Walking.
Speaker 1: I want to I think it's another one of your
Speaker 1: poker students for fox sake. Oh yes you hi? Um yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't mean to disturb you while you have come
Speaker 1: to my home, so it's a little late for apologies. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: I'll get right to it. I was wondering someone we
Speaker 1: could do some kind of like quick training montage that
Speaker 1: really gets me in shape in case the revolver thing
Speaker 1: doesn't work. You thought you would come to my home
Speaker 1: if I'm may recap and simply suggest a montage of
Speaker 1: quickness on a poker tutorial one on one. Sure, come
Speaker 1: on in this time. When you do it and it's
Speaker 1: only audio, it's hard to see what's happening. When some outIo,
Speaker 1: it's hard to see what's Mr Walking. Uh, let's uh,
Speaker 1: let's take that song again, your montie song. Right when
Speaker 1: you're doing a montage what we're in the words again? Now,
Speaker 1: if you're doing a montage and telling an audio, it's
Speaker 1: hard to see what's going on. I think that's what
Speaker 1: it was. I don't know. Yeah, you said, what's happening,
Speaker 1: and we just needed you to plug what's going on.
Speaker 1: And you said, when you're doing a montage and it's
Speaker 1: only audio, you were saying, it's hard to see what's
Speaker 1: happening for all this. Can we do a montage of
Speaker 1: us learning how to cut the montage song? That sounds
Speaker 1: like a great idea montage montage montage. Here we are
Speaker 1: at the poker game. Look who was going to win?
Speaker 1: I think he's gonna win, But who one is he? Uh?
Speaker 1: It's crazy, I don't. I don't think you're supposed to
Speaker 1: be standing behind me. Come on, come on, come on,
Speaker 1: you got this man, You got this, You got the
Speaker 1: two cutters, guys in the whole, in his hand, cheeth bones. Okay,
Speaker 1: before I lay these cards down, how do I know
Speaker 1: my son's okay? I want to see my son. Uh hey, guys,
Speaker 1: get get a picture? Yeah that picture? Huh on the start?
Speaker 1: Get a picture out of the star, Get a picture
Speaker 1: of the son. Yeah yeah? Wait, hold on, the librarians here.
Speaker 1: Wait were you in on this the whole time? I
Speaker 1: never said I wasn't. Just clearly, I don't even know
Speaker 1: what doing descibal means. Feed your face you're here too, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. All of the patrons and staff of your
Speaker 1: public library have been in on the kidnapping of your son. Look,
Speaker 1: do you have any of those cards with naked ladies?
Speaker 1: What do you want? Yes, the town pervert is also
Speaker 1: in on it, and we sorry, I'm sorry, that's what
Speaker 1: we call you. Probably is a joke. I got excited,
Speaker 1: and I don't think you're a pervert. You're just a
Speaker 1: man who likes Okay, well excuse me, then, yes, you
Speaker 1: are a big nasty pervert. We do have cards with
Speaker 1: um titties and kitties on. We're playing the game here
Speaker 1: for my son's life? Are we a kid? Bossing us
Speaker 1: to take a pitching with you so that your dad
Speaker 1: didn't know that you're okay? Okay, so I hold up
Speaker 1: to his newspaper or something. Well, want to go ahead,
Speaker 1: make it. Why don't you just take a picture of
Speaker 1: me about batos so he knows that you took the photo.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's cut right. What about Jimmy? What about
Speaker 1: Jimmy's at the Jimmy's at the Polka house. He's at
Speaker 1: the poker table, the geek table, they call it. He's
Speaker 1: now okay? Well, um, okay, do you want it vertical
Speaker 1: or horizontal? And what did the young people take it?
Speaker 1: How do they do that? Um? I think horizontal looks better. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's do that. Let's do that. Okay. As soon as
Speaker 1: I see that picture, I'm laying these cards down. Well,
Speaker 1: I've got some cards to lay now. Two and I
Speaker 1: don't even know if the picture is gonna help, because
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna win. So we're back. We're back.
Speaker 1: So here's the picture that just un took us. Jesus,
Speaker 1: you're you're gorgeous, by the way, Thank you? Who are
Speaker 1: talking to? Man? But nick me? You? Yeah, it's the hair, right,
Speaker 1: it's cheer at this photo really really really brings it
Speaker 1: out when your fingers do it, when your thingers do it. Man, Yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, oh that Oh that is nice mayonnaise. You
Speaker 1: don't say yeah, I do say um. Okay, So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna lay these down and check. He's montag shooting us,
Speaker 1: shooting montage to bang bang bang on. He's shooting them
Speaker 1: your blood bath. What happened? Did you get her stunt
Speaker 1: back or not? You just kill everybody? What happened? Honey? Hello?
Speaker 1: Shut I shut myself in the montage. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you're leg it'll be. I brought him here. Claude de Ville, Yeah,
Speaker 1: Claude Dede yes, whatever you Yeah. He take pictures of
Speaker 1: some of my titties, those kitties, and it was a
Speaker 1: different time. It was just exploring. I'm afraid man, that
Speaker 1: your vagina and your breasts have been combined. You actually
Speaker 1: have titties with kitties. Oh my god. Your instead of nipples,
Speaker 1: you have beautiful bulbs. What does this mean for when
Speaker 1: I have to pee? I just don't know. Man, My
Speaker 1: headn't thought about that. I haven't thought about how it
Speaker 1: was going to be. Mr walkertt George, Jana, Please, you
Speaker 1: need to learn to be less afraid of the door
Speaker 1: by Hello, oh on the ground high. I'm one of
Speaker 1: Mr Watkins. I know who you are. What do you want?
Speaker 1: I just if I could have one word with him,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die in about twenty seconds. If he just
Speaker 1: needs If he just needs twenty seconds there, I'll be
Speaker 1: happy to speak with him. You're setting right behind you.
Speaker 1: Why can't you just open the door? The handle? The
Speaker 1: handle wants my heart? Hey, what is it? You have
Speaker 1: six seconds? Now? What? Why is my son? I've been
Speaker 1: here at the Walkins the whole time. Oopsie, it was you.
Speaker 1: Well it was a hell of a way for him
Speaker 1: to learn, but at least he did befar his last moment.
Speaker 1: And that is the joy of life, young man. If
Speaker 1: you had to learn anything in this household, find out
Speaker 1: the information you crave before you kick. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: so you know, obviously you don't have to speak if
Speaker 1: you don't want to. But we're here for the same reason,
Speaker 1: all of us. We're stolen and then raised by Christopher Walking.
Speaker 1: So you know, we've all had a drama that one
Speaker 1: and uh, you know, we got some new faces here.
Speaker 1: Looks like we got Franco. Is that right? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And this is my my friend George. I'm George. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it was that first I was stolen my Franco and
Speaker 1: then uh, Chris for Walking stole me away from him
Speaker 1: and raised me as an adult man. He raised me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a couple of us kind of been through that as well.
Speaker 1: It's hard, but to know, I'm not what's the word
Speaker 1: I'm looking for is five letten saucer an a end
Speaker 1: and an e alone alone? Wow? Did you say about
Speaker 1: we're also note about yeah, not about that ends in
Speaker 1: a knee. I'm sorry, Am I the only one here
Speaker 1: that Mr Walking taught how to man uh beer canned chicken. No, No,
Speaker 1: he thought me how to make taught me that. It's
Speaker 1: the greatest. It was the one take away from me
Speaker 1: that was such a positive for me. Actually, the whole
Speaker 1: experience was a positive. It was much better to live
Speaker 1: with him, um that my parents, you know, he's a
Speaker 1: successful actor, could provide for me. We had to cook,
Speaker 1: et cetera. I wouldn't change the damn thing about my
Speaker 1: kidnap and it was wonderful, But overall it was nice
Speaker 1: for me to other than when I saw my dad
Speaker 1: die in front of my eyes, Well he was he
Speaker 1: was gonna die, right he was, And if not for
Speaker 1: Mr Walkin, it wouldn't have happened in front of you.
Speaker 1: So I guess you're right. So it's kind of a
Speaker 1: blo that's there's there's always a silver line, that's right.
Speaker 1: This is a safe place. I'm just I mean, not
Speaker 1: many of us you can see our family like pass
Speaker 1: in front of us in that way, right, But if
Speaker 1: you heard your family passed at the hospital and you
Speaker 1: didn't get there in time, you know that old This
Speaker 1: is an endy montage of the Christopher people who were
Speaker 1: christ Chicken. That is our show for today, so beautifully
Speaker 1: sailed out the window all on its own accord. Let's
Speaker 1: thank our our glorious uh Christmas Eve Eve Alchemists as
Speaker 1: we record this beginning with Gary Anthony Williams. Hey, thank you,
Speaker 1: Fran Garrel. Happy holidays to you and thank you for
Speaker 1: joining us. Thank you. And you have a show coming
Speaker 1: up on the net Flicks in the new year. Yes,
Speaker 1: I don't can't say exactly when it's going to be out,
Speaker 1: but it will be out early. Then the early party
Speaker 1: next year called the Crew on Netflix. It is a
Speaker 1: strange d a that you're not allowed to say. The
Speaker 1: drop day. Yeah, I don't you know what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'll tell everybody I had a good I've had a
Speaker 1: great career. I've had a great career, I'll say. And
Speaker 1: Caroline Connor, thank you ever so much as well you
Speaker 1: Angelic Poison. Oh thanks thanks for having you. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: disgruntled angel. That's the script I'm sending over. That's right,
Speaker 1: thank you, And then I'll be out on Netflix in
Speaker 1: fifteen to twenty years. OK. Cool. I still love that
Speaker 1: moment in South Park when they pimped Netflix. I can't
Speaker 1: remember who, but it was a reception desk and they
Speaker 1: were just answering the phone. Uh, you're green let Netflix,
Speaker 1: You're green. Let Hello, Craig CASKI thank you as always,
Speaker 1: my good man. Hey, it's one finally all over your
Speaker 1: goddamn antenna driven TV. I think this comes out right
Speaker 1: for Yeah, we just missed. I just know, Butted, you're asked,
Speaker 1: James Heeney, God bless you in the family, and uh,
Speaker 1: happy holidays. And is there a bare supply show before
Speaker 1: the end of the year. We've been pretty consistent. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I think we can go ahead and say it's
Speaker 1: at eight p m. Pacific Standard time on Wednesdays, Like
Speaker 1: it's just that's the time it ends up being on
Speaker 1: TV slash BS Comedy eight p m. Chris Alvarado, stuff
Speaker 1: to add please man, Thanks, you know what I mean? Yes,
Speaker 1: I do know what you mean. What a year? What
Speaker 1: a year? We've figured out a way to gather on
Speaker 1: a weekly basis to be happy in this ship pie
Speaker 1: of a of a of a year. Love this and
Speaker 1: hey much love to the Alchemy that podcast. Huh that's right, Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's uh if you want to know what it feels
Speaker 1: like to have this magic scrutinized and celebrated at the
Speaker 1: same time by all means tennant alchemy, that it's a
Speaker 1: trip um Joey Gerstein, Yes, okay, thank you. Um. Normally
Speaker 1: I would say, let's thank our producer and engine into
Speaker 1: the Stars, Mr Doug Baine, but he's not been of
Speaker 1: any help at all today. And the fine folks that
Speaker 1: I heart media, I'm your host Kevin Pollock reminding you
Speaker 1: that was uh something that will be talked about till
Speaker 1: the end of time. One is up to us to
Speaker 1: make spectacular. Be kind to each other, and remember this
Speaker 1: is