Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen edition.
Speaker 1: I'm your host, kol Scrat and I'm back. It's been
Speaker 1: a while, guys, it's been a while, but I'm here.
Speaker 1: So let's meet our alchemist. Showing in no particular order,
Speaker 1: Let's say hey to James, Hey, Hey, what is it
Speaker 1: always rain on me? Well, it's your hot and that
Speaker 1: temperature races the humidity, and that rain is just a
Speaker 1: sign of how steamy you make it. Thank you, all right,
Speaker 1: can always rely on you, Mr Science. Look over there,
Speaker 1: it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, are we human or are we dancer? Dancer?
Speaker 1: Final answer? I figured by asking you that one that
Speaker 1: was gonna be your choice. Guys here now it's a tool,
Speaker 1: saying a tool. How will I know if he really
Speaker 1: loves me? If he dances? Going back to Chris, if
Speaker 1: he dances for you, that's how he That's how you
Speaker 1: should know. Nice cans in a quick Congrats to Chris. Yes,
Speaker 1: my god, I can't believe that. Yes, congratulations on what
Speaker 1: he booked. He booked. Congratulate you booked it, you boosted
Speaker 1: the big one. Thank you very much. It's the best
Speaker 1: meaning you can be in right, that's cute and last.
Speaker 1: But if you think I'm last, it's Joey Graer. Joey,
Speaker 1: do you know the way to San Jose? Yes? I do,
Speaker 1: And actually it's gonna surprise you how they get there.
Speaker 1: A lot of people are gonna think they're gonna take
Speaker 1: the d I five south and I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: right now, do not do that, okay, because you're gonna
Speaker 1: hit bumper the bumper regardless of the time. I know
Speaker 1: people are gonna say go earlier, go later, but you're
Speaker 1: going later. That's actually a little more dangerous. People don't
Speaker 1: realize a lot of trucks travel at night because there's
Speaker 1: less traffic. But that does mean you're competing against individuals
Speaker 1: for driving long distance. Is probably tired, you know, you
Speaker 1: know the history. I'm gonna stop you there, you lost it.
Speaker 1: Go south on the five. I just that's the wrong way,
Speaker 1: completely wrong. But thank you though, all right. All of
Speaker 1: our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, from or
Speaker 1: from our Patreon va p s. To become a Patreon
Speaker 1: supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks,
Speaker 1: just head on over to patreon dot com. Slash alchemy this.
Speaker 1: If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
Speaker 1: please write to the podcast at your name here at
Speaker 1: alchemy this dot com. That's your name here, James Jump.
Speaker 1: When have we ever said your name ever? Always? You
Speaker 1: know what it was? Last week Craig said it really clearly,
Speaker 1: and us like, you know, Craig's not here, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say it clear. Sorry, that's that old adage. If Craig
Speaker 1: isn't here, we gotta say it clear, all right. See.
Speaker 1: Number one comes from John, who wrote, just to start
Speaker 1: off all the usual compliments, insert your favorites here. I
Speaker 1: have a couple of guestions in case any of these
Speaker 1: are on the veto list. Number one, As you all
Speaker 1: prepare for an all star episode of your favorite characters
Speaker 1: and or voices, you all end up having a mind
Speaker 1: swap and the show must go on. For example, Joey's
Speaker 1: mind is in James's body and still tries to do
Speaker 1: the hold the Door guy or number two. The Southern
Speaker 1: Houston Institute of Technology and the Financial University of Central
Speaker 1: Kentucky are rival colleges and are both are competing for something. John,
Speaker 1: I mean I think we could. I think neither, but
Speaker 1: let's let's do uh. Alright, So if we look at
Speaker 1: the proposal here, I think there's uh, I mean, um,
Speaker 1: a tool keeps staring in the mirror and asking who
Speaker 1: am I, and I don't it seems concerning to me?
Speaker 1: Okay to would you like to step outside at all?
Speaker 1: Or no? No, no. I I didn't get to do
Speaker 1: my mantras in the morning, and so I thought I
Speaker 1: just do him here at the meeting. That's almost done now, Um, gentlemen,
Speaker 1: if you could just bring your nose is a little
Speaker 1: closer to my lips. Uh. He is actually one of
Speaker 1: the case studies that I've been talking about. Now. The
Speaker 1: program is going to take intelligence people's personalities and place
Speaker 1: them in somebody else's body. Now, alright, Houston needs the money,
Speaker 1: all right, so if we could, if we can get
Speaker 1: that money the Houston Financial thing, or that's what we're
Speaker 1: called the Houston Financial Thing. We haven't decided on an
Speaker 1: actual term for ourselves yet. We're still you know, we're
Speaker 1: going back and forth. He might be the Houston financial
Speaker 1: buildings financial people that we haven't work now, and they
Speaker 1: they're requiring a proof of concept before there's any transfer
Speaker 1: of money at all. So we've got to I mean,
Speaker 1: that's a tool. I don't know that that's really a
Speaker 1: good proof of concept right now, he's struggling. Can we
Speaker 1: do some sort of tests make sure this working correctly.
Speaker 1: I understand you want. You want a better proof of concept,
Speaker 1: throof of concept, not just concept put down on a
Speaker 1: human body. I'm figuring it out so by game time
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be ready. Well, Dr Lawrence, Uh yeah, my
Speaker 1: dad's a real square. He works at that Houston financial thing.
Speaker 1: I hate that guy. I would not want to be
Speaker 1: in his shoes even for an hour. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Chad. Yeah, but you know I was reading
Speaker 1: this thing that whatever you say into the universe, you manifest.
Speaker 1: So even you're saying you don't want to do it,
Speaker 1: still might make it happen. I don't drink that slot,
Speaker 1: but you did. You pay for your fucking kids. Okay, Chad,
Speaker 1: I get that. But you know, like I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm just having such problems with dad, you know, like
Speaker 1: I wish my dad was cool like years. I mean,
Speaker 1: he's got crystals and a beaded curtain and everything, and
Speaker 1: he passed that philosophy down to you. Yeah, I see that.
Speaker 1: I see that. But I just once again, words are powerful.
Speaker 1: Words are powerful, and so be careful. Brian. You know,
Speaker 1: anything you say you're gonna manifest today. If you pop
Speaker 1: open that travel Oreo pack, you're gonna pay for it.
Speaker 1: Fucking kids. Look alright, Chad, I get that and I
Speaker 1: marked that. Now, put the Nutter butters in your fucking
Speaker 1: backpack and let's get out of here. Okay, go coo
Speaker 1: coo coo. God fuck you establishment. I was just doing
Speaker 1: the inventory check and we're short a few things. Felix
Speaker 1: were short. Some nutter butters um or short some uh,
Speaker 1: there's a Slurprie cup missing. Um, what's exactly you've been
Speaker 1: going on on your shift? I'll think exactly what's been
Speaker 1: going on? I need another person with me or security detail,
Speaker 1: because I got these goddamn kids coming in all the time,
Speaker 1: drinking the slurpies, taking the travel Warriors. It's it's nuts.
Speaker 1: What do you want me to do? What? I'm only
Speaker 1: one guy? Okay, I gotta make sure those hot dogs
Speaker 1: are turning. I gotta make sure that that pizza we
Speaker 1: paid extra for the machine, Felix, the hot ducks turn
Speaker 1: on their own. Okay, you don't need to overturn the pots.
Speaker 1: I gotta make sure it's working. I gotta make sure
Speaker 1: it's working all right. Man, the day my sister breaks up,
Speaker 1: you're fired? Oh is that so? Let me tell you this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you to marry me. Don't do it.
Speaker 1: Don't do it? Okay, James and a Tool welcome to
Speaker 1: my office. Now. Um, you both are incredible employees here
Speaker 1: at this building, at this financial institution. And um, I'm
Speaker 1: James Heeney. Yes, I've just never nobody. I've never gotten
Speaker 1: employees a month. I've never gotten any. Are you sure
Speaker 1: that I'm who you look? We want to give you
Speaker 1: an opportunity to be employee of the decade, James, are
Speaker 1: you serious? A Tool? I'm about to pitch you an
Speaker 1: idea and now we take it if you Yeah, you
Speaker 1: both need to be here that you see those two
Speaker 1: helmets over there that look like Calinder's upside down with
Speaker 1: why are sticking out of them? Yeah? It looks like
Speaker 1: that thing they put on a guy in Ghostbusters exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: I thought the same thing. No, if you wouldn't mind
Speaker 1: put one of those on each of your heads, please,
Speaker 1: it's my head perfectly it's a little tight. It's okay,
Speaker 1: just swee. You've got a larger head. I I what
Speaker 1: is it? Seven three eight, seven and seven eights? Actually big?
Speaker 1: Sure different? Just just say all right now, gentlemen, there's
Speaker 1: a switch here. Now, if I flipped this switch, guaranteed
Speaker 1: employees the decade, nobody need the switch down. You walk
Speaker 1: out of here being mediocre employees. And just do I
Speaker 1: need this a tool? Well, we both get employees employee
Speaker 1: of the decade? Yeah, both Well, I mean, no one's
Speaker 1: allowed in the hospital room as of as of now,
Speaker 1: but both James and a tool. Uh there, Well, they're
Speaker 1: they're functionally dead, the brain activity going on question question, Um,
Speaker 1: well they come back to life. I mean that's what
Speaker 1: we're working on. What we're going on, making sure that
Speaker 1: they can pop back up and the program can break.
Speaker 1: Get right back on his feet. So for the record,
Speaker 1: just before, they are both employees of the decade. So
Speaker 1: let's just let that let that be the record. Question. Yes,
Speaker 1: question from the gentleman over there with the khakis on
Speaker 1: his hands. Yes, it's cold here. I just want to
Speaker 1: let you know about the temperature. Um, we have questions
Speaker 1: actually about the the er portal and if that was
Speaker 1: actually gonna allow for two ambulances to be parked there. Uh,
Speaker 1: We're still in debate, and I'm gonna get back to
Speaker 1: your follow up in about thirty minutes. Okay, all right, question,
Speaker 1: does that mean that my dad's dad and I get
Speaker 1: all his stuff and I have free reign of the
Speaker 1: house and I can like make it into a skate
Speaker 1: park from my friends and ship? Okay, who is this kid?
Speaker 1: Who's this kid with this candy cigar? What? What do
Speaker 1: you want? How did you get in here? I get
Speaker 1: I'm crafty, crafty, crafty joke. Okay, this uh, alright after you.
Speaker 1: My name is Brian Dick Wade. Brian, why don't you
Speaker 1: come with me? You said your father is working episode.
Speaker 1: My father's James Heeney. Father's James Heney. Look, here's all
Speaker 1: the schematics, here's all the information. If your father's James Hey,
Speaker 1: you might have the best chance possible to bring him
Speaker 1: back to life. You understand, I do understand, But I'll
Speaker 1: pass special. Well I tried so. Uh. We're your new
Speaker 1: security detail here at the convenience store. We got um,
Speaker 1: we got owl, black Owl. He's at the corner. He's
Speaker 1: dressing city's civilian clothes, so he's undercover. I will be
Speaker 1: wearing this suit as I am in charge of this.
Speaker 1: Detail'll just I'll just be against the freezer case there,
Speaker 1: my cowboys Stutson, and my mustache. Whenever kids come in,
Speaker 1: I'll just slowly shake my head and give him a
Speaker 1: disapproving look, which should take care of about seventy five
Speaker 1: of would be shopping lifters. I'm ben, I gotta I
Speaker 1: gotta a cooler as a costume. I'm gonna sit here
Speaker 1: against the wall. I got a couple of cokes in me,
Speaker 1: but I got my eyes open. Don't worry about me
Speaker 1: any questions. Yeah, I mean, I totally appreciate this, but
Speaker 1: you all are kind of like really, Uh, there's a
Speaker 1: small space, so there's not a lot of room to
Speaker 1: fron to move with you all in here. So hello,
Speaker 1: how are you? I'm good, I'm good. M hm h.
Speaker 1: Do we have eyes on him? Do we have eyes
Speaker 1: on him? We do? I'm gonna go ahead and shake
Speaker 1: my head slowly from lift ratte. This has been in
Speaker 1: the vending machine, and I'm gonna just keep an eye
Speaker 1: on him. Got four cokes right now, not diminishing doesn't
Speaker 1: appear to be moving. I'm gonna go ahead and take
Speaker 1: my toothpick out and throw it on the ground. Be careful.
Speaker 1: This is uh, you know, it's not the corner store
Speaker 1: my neighborhood used to have. I'm just gonna leave, all right,
Speaker 1: go work everybody, you know, maybe y'll shouldn't just you know,
Speaker 1: not talk like that, you know what I mean? I
Speaker 1: feel like this kind of disrupted service. Your security specialist, No,
Speaker 1: I'm a convenient specialist. Does you work for black Stone
Speaker 1: and Different Wars undercover? No? I mean weren't they find
Speaker 1: out that could be committee war crimes and all that.
Speaker 1: Private companies can't come my work crime? So O can't
Speaker 1: can't we're private? Yeah? Yeah you can't. Yeah yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean walk Crames just got a general. Now legally, legally
Speaker 1: we can. We can set a whole village on fire,
Speaker 1: and it's fine. I mean, I don't illegally, what the
Speaker 1: hell is that? Why would you even want to do that?
Speaker 1: That's like, what the hell is that? Yeah? Well, you're
Speaker 1: not a security specialist, that's the thing. You don't know,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't like all these questions. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go ahead and look at you a convenience guy, and
Speaker 1: shake my head slowly from left to right and hopefully
Speaker 1: that will take airless criticism that is coming at us
Speaker 1: right now, dcor. If we're looking here, the brainwaing brainwave
Speaker 1: activity is popping. With James in a tool, it looks
Speaker 1: like there is a transforms inside. Where am I? Where
Speaker 1: am I? O? My god? A tool? Can you see me?
Speaker 1: Where is my son? How many hot dogs am I
Speaker 1: holding up? How many hot do? Please? Put the hot
Speaker 1: dogs back in your lap? I feel like it's an
Speaker 1: important test. I feel like it's an important Where's my son?
Speaker 1: I missed my son? A tool? Son? That's what a son?
Speaker 1: You know? Who's tel does? Who do you think you are?
Speaker 1: I'm James, James the best ever. Now this is interesting
Speaker 1: because even though James is now in a tool's body,
Speaker 1: James doesn't know who a tool is in this area
Speaker 1: for James. But that makes sense for James, but he
Speaker 1: doesn't know who. Hold on, one second, one more test?
Speaker 1: How many hot dogs are I holding up? Still? Go?
Speaker 1: So let me get this straight. Both of you got
Speaker 1: to live with me on the off chance that you
Speaker 1: switch back. This is bullshit. This is total bullshit. And
Speaker 1: you know it dad's son. Oh you you first body. Well, honestly,
Speaker 1: he's not my son, so you should tell him, well
Speaker 1: you have his body, his his father's body. But me,
Speaker 1: I'm your son, and I've made mistakes, and I love you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pay for you to go to any college
Speaker 1: you want. If you want to go to the Southern
Speaker 1: Kentucky Technical School, that's fine, I'll pay for it. I
Speaker 1: love you, son, I love you. I don't want to
Speaker 1: go to college. Don't you know anything about me? I'm
Speaker 1: a performance artist. Don't you sunk this up for me?
Speaker 1: All right? I got two huts bids down, all right,
Speaker 1: said god damn living dream. You understand. So you're gonna
Speaker 1: suck it up and you're gonna deal with those dads. Hello, fine, Hello, fine, fine,
Speaker 1: all right, okay, Cinnamon, I'll do that, all right. Just
Speaker 1: good morning, everybody. Welcome back to the Financial Building. So,
Speaker 1: as you know, this weekend was a great success. We
Speaker 1: were able to switch the brains and bodies of a
Speaker 1: tool sing and James Heeney. One thing though, we know.
Speaker 1: One thing we weren't clear on was, um, you good,
Speaker 1: look at this here? Oh? Should I be? Should I
Speaker 1: be at this? Why could somebody answer me, why uh
Speaker 1: why we did this? Required to have proof of concept
Speaker 1: for the money to be transferred. No, I'm asking why
Speaker 1: why is that? What you? Guys? Guys, guys, I'm sorry
Speaker 1: interrupt this press conference about at seven eleven on fifth
Speaker 1: and Maine. Just blew the funk up? What what? What? Hell?
Speaker 1: At seven eleven? Let's go, everybody, come on, let's go.
Speaker 1: Let me get my skateboards. Cowboy, cowboy, look at me. Okay,
Speaker 1: my mustache burnt. The funk off. I don't got long.
Speaker 1: I can't keep drinks cool anymore in my sending machine.
Speaker 1: Custom This is just like that time, the whole fucking villain.
Speaker 1: We don't have a lot of time. Let's just sing
Speaker 1: our song of companion hood and going to the after
Speaker 1: last six, seven, eight, Well, doctor, we were able to
Speaker 1: take their consciousness, but the only things that were around
Speaker 1: were an open bag of oreos and several loose hot dogs.
Speaker 1: So the consciousness of those seven level employees have been
Speaker 1: put inside an oreo and too loose hot dogs. Hot
Speaker 1: dogs happened to be on the fucking menu. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is a coincidence. All right, what do you want me?
Speaker 1: What do you want? To say, Okay, look, it was
Speaker 1: a successful transfer. You hate me because I think hot
Speaker 1: dogs are the cutting nege form of science. I hate
Speaker 1: you because you won't park near me. Why can't we
Speaker 1: walk to the office in the morning because you get
Speaker 1: here so late. I get here early. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: wait in my car. If we woke up in the
Speaker 1: same bed, that wouldn't be a problem. That wouldn't it
Speaker 1: needs we are not to get Okay, a tool? Right?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean James, we knew each other for
Speaker 1: a long time before this, and now you should if anything,
Speaker 1: recognized me more because I'm you your body. We just
Speaker 1: had a suit a procedure that took place. I'm sorry
Speaker 1: if I have side effects a tool, don't be so
Speaker 1: nerdy about it. And that was the weirdest summer of
Speaker 1: my life. And that's c number one. Number two is
Speaker 1: from Patreon v I P. Nicholas Maker, who wrote, Hi
Speaker 1: Kevin this time I'm hailing from an alternate timeline where
Speaker 1: Lincoln was not assassinated, but lived on to cross the
Speaker 1: Alps with an army of manure powered automatons, only to
Speaker 1: see his rain ended by his treacherous second in command.
Speaker 1: Admiral dung Boat, the third, who to this day shines
Speaker 1: his gracious light upon all creatures in the domain. Sorry,
Speaker 1: it's dung Bot. I just read that. Anyhow, my suggestion
Speaker 1: open bar at an octopus wedding. Can I buy you
Speaker 1: eight drinks? Um? Okay, I'll have I have an Old Fashioned.
Speaker 1: I'll have a Tequila Sunrise, I have a Long Island
Speaker 1: Ice tea. I have a strawberry dacre. I'll have a
Speaker 1: rub and coke. I'll have a peanut Colata. Al right,
Speaker 1: I'll have a whiskey on the box. Okay, we'll have
Speaker 1: a Cosmopolitan. Okay, hey, bar, keep eight bud lights. Sure thing?
Speaker 1: What did the lady say? Something I can make that?
Speaker 1: You just repeat it. I'd like to get an old Fashioned,
Speaker 1: a Tequila Sunrise, a peanut Colada, rum and co a
Speaker 1: Long Island ice tea, a whiskey on the rocks, a
Speaker 1: seven and seven and all right, baby baby opened the door.
Speaker 1: Look it's okay that you're a starfish. Okay, Well, my
Speaker 1: family loves everybody just doing me. I'm like the dumbest
Speaker 1: thing here. They hate me. Look that might be true,
Speaker 1: but you're also the most beautiful. We're very intelligent. Well
Speaker 1: you know that about me. I can't believe your mother
Speaker 1: and put a bottle in front of you and she
Speaker 1: said open it and then just sucks like sliding. I
Speaker 1: can't do that. I have a rigid body. That was
Speaker 1: surprising to all of us. We all kind of thought
Speaker 1: you could do that, slide into the bottle. That sounds
Speaker 1: like I feel like I'm just being attacked my own friends,
Speaker 1: from your family. I just in some ways you are.
Speaker 1: In some ways you are, Oh my god, okay, get
Speaker 1: in some ways, but listen to defend me. They're about
Speaker 1: to have the speeches, and I want to be there
Speaker 1: for the speeches. Baby, this is my brother was getting
Speaker 1: married after all. Come on, no, no, but it's just
Speaker 1: like I just think I feel like they're just gonna
Speaker 1: pick but at me and they're just going to so
Speaker 1: why don't you're beautiful conkinking king, king, king king king
Speaker 1: kkkkkkkkink everybody, thanks for coming. You know, I never thought
Speaker 1: my be a best friend with gay either octopus groom
Speaker 1: being a manateea. I don't have too many pals. But
Speaker 1: we go back to crustacean you where we were roommates.
Speaker 1: See you forever. But it's see you. Anyways, we got
Speaker 1: up to some no good or eback in those days,
Speaker 1: especially him. Am I right, you know what I'm talking
Speaker 1: about Sandbar twenty twenty two. Anyways, glad everybody could be
Speaker 1: here to day as celebrate the special day, even Veronica
Speaker 1: the weird fucking star fish here on the group. Strader
Speaker 1: Bright said, huh, I'm on the bright side. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: went to college together. Neither, but this is crazy, this speech. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, neither. You can't you can't be here. I
Speaker 1: can't be here. If you don't know either of the parties.
Speaker 1: You have to leave. Well I know them now, I
Speaker 1: mean da you know you gotta leave complete? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: just cut your cut your arm off. So what are
Speaker 1: you gonna do? Oh my god, it's growing again. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: chicken out. You gotta leave, dude, You're kind is not
Speaker 1: wanted here. Oh fuck you man, see see if you
Speaker 1: can walk now? Oh? Your legs growing again? All right,
Speaker 1: everybody make your way to the dance floor as we
Speaker 1: celebrate the first dance with the newly Way and Sad.
Speaker 1: Why do we have to like I set up that
Speaker 1: he can play it? Why do we all have to
Speaker 1: sing it? Does um? I'm looking at this footage that
Speaker 1: you've brought us for National Geographic and I am having
Speaker 1: a hard time believing what I'm seeing it happened. Look,
Speaker 1: I need to make a buck. This is real, so
Speaker 1: you should print it. It got even crazier after the
Speaker 1: dance floor. It sounds like there's an intermingling of fish
Speaker 1: down there that we don't typically see in the everyday
Speaker 1: National Geographic videos. You do typically see it, if you'd
Speaker 1: believe that every Disney film about sea creatures. If I may,
Speaker 1: I'm the only one here who had an octopus for
Speaker 1: a teacher, and I don't recall ever seeing something like this, sir.
Speaker 1: It feels a bit fabricated. If I'm being honest, you
Speaker 1: that you don't believe I walked in here in a
Speaker 1: suit being I haven't seen shoes underneath that suit. I
Speaker 1: have half wondering what's down there? Oh, it's just some air.
Speaker 1: Jordan's I'm a real person. I don't I don't believe it.
Speaker 1: I don't believe this is a real person. Wow, you're
Speaker 1: being a real jerk. You're a regular propeller. All right,
Speaker 1: dance is done for a while, so you know what
Speaker 1: that means. We're tired of singing man. Okay, we're tired
Speaker 1: of singing man music. We're moving on. I am the
Speaker 1: m C with the most teeth. Alright, gentlemen, now it's
Speaker 1: time for our favorite moment of any octopus dance. That is,
Speaker 1: eat the Starfish. I never I never loved you. Okay,
Speaker 1: like this is, this is a whole rose. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you're you're my my wedding gift to my brother. God, Midsummer.
Speaker 1: It's like that. But it's like that, It's like Midsummer.
Speaker 1: You didn't see it? No, do you see what? Do
Speaker 1: you see it streaming or in the theater streaming? Obviously
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go to theater and see that. It's
Speaker 1: freaking on this question. So you probably see this as
Speaker 1: a food chain moment, but for us there it was
Speaker 1: more of a fucked up snuff film situation. Well, it
Speaker 1: comes across as a funked up snuff film situation. You
Speaker 1: guys turned on the Starfish. Have you seen that Netflix film?
Speaker 1: It's I think it's a New Zealand film called Midsummer. No,
Speaker 1: I haven't. I don't have a Netflix account. I just
Speaker 1: have Peacock. Oh well, then it's hard to explain. But
Speaker 1: this is this is fucked up. But you've all seen
Speaker 1: my film right where the octopus was my teacher. Now
Speaker 1: that's what the thing is with the octopus. That was
Speaker 1: your teacher. As you learned a lot from the octopus.
Speaker 1: But there was a there was a there was another teacher,
Speaker 1: a professor that was helping. It was more of a
Speaker 1: co teacher thing. Okay, well that's I mean, if you
Speaker 1: learned from the octopus, I am not going to deny that,
Speaker 1: but it was kind of a learning together process. Now
Speaker 1: the next thing you're gonna see on here. If you
Speaker 1: thought that was bad, whole boy, buckle your seat speed
Speaker 1: boat belts because al right, everybody, now that we just
Speaker 1: ate that fucking beish. No, man, we didn't want to
Speaker 1: eat somebody. We didn't want to sing the song. We're
Speaker 1: just gonna have to call it for you. We want
Speaker 1: to keep partying, but we don't want you to leave
Speaker 1: the party. I got one last alright, just fun moment,
Speaker 1: all right. Now, he's kind of our enemy, but he's
Speaker 1: promised to be nice. Ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ride this, sure, Jason,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but we can't have your part of the
Speaker 1: dj compy anymore. I mean, you had that entire Do
Speaker 1: you just do a bump of coked? It's actually not
Speaker 1: a problem if it's not, if you're not abusing it.
Speaker 1: It's eight in the morning. Jason, Hey, you like cavine.
Speaker 1: That's drug? You know what I mean? What's up now?
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna debate. That's not even the shark,
Speaker 1: you know, friends of the shark threatening. Okay, I'm a dolphin.
Speaker 1: I can use my goddamn sonic boom and knock that
Speaker 1: sound of a bit out. Alright, alright, alright, alright, what
Speaker 1: do you need for me? Man? How can they change?
Speaker 1: How can I make it better? We're taking your djail
Speaker 1: license away. Get off of me, Jason. Please see your
Speaker 1: way out. Please see your way out, Jason, Jason, Please, God. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he left me alive to tell the tale. I'm the
Speaker 1: only one who made it out. Thus, I'm giving you
Speaker 1: this tape in hopes of it going everywhere, sort of
Speaker 1: like when somebody mails the tape to the newspapers in
Speaker 1: case they don't make it well. I feel like if
Speaker 1: we're gonna air this, natge you, we're gonna need your
Speaker 1: voice to be the voice over narration because otherwise people
Speaker 1: are are gonna believe it. You have an authenticity about
Speaker 1: it that is unique. Look, I'm happy to do it,
Speaker 1: but it will significantly double your run time. If you're
Speaker 1: okay with that, I'm happy to narrate it. Well, what
Speaker 1: do you think I think? I say yes, okay. If
Speaker 1: the octopus taught me anything when he was my teacher,
Speaker 1: it's that sometimes you got to take a risk, even
Speaker 1: if that risk means double the run time. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And okay, yeah, let's let's do it. Alright, class, Uh,
Speaker 1: thanks for being great class this whole semester. And no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take that. I'm gonna respond with love. Okay,
Speaker 1: I love you, all right. I want you to remember
Speaker 1: a few things when you when you go into the
Speaker 1: real world. Alright, a few different lessons. First of all,
Speaker 1: I always try to say yes. Uh. Second of all,
Speaker 1: if you let a manateee narrate, it will take twice
Speaker 1: as long. The third thing, um, try to be positive.
Speaker 1: Um man, I'm even in this class. I've got two dads.
Speaker 1: Fuck school man, Crafty, Crafty, you have a seat, all right,
Speaker 1: bullshit sucking Crafty, quit moving around, Crafty, look at me.
Speaker 1: I love you. So do you know the professor? Do
Speaker 1: you know the students? I am? Are you talking about?
Speaker 1: He's the professor, he's my teacher. I'm I'm a human.
Speaker 1: He's an octopus and he's so. Are you a student
Speaker 1: or a teacher? Yeah? You can. You can't be here, man,
Speaker 1: You got you gotta get Christian University is just yeah,
Speaker 1: you can't. You have to be a teacher. Yeah, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: how did you find this? What are you doing? Of
Speaker 1: course you're sick. You're sick. Man. It's fine, Fine, it's fine,
Speaker 1: it's fine. Look, I don't know anybody. I don't know anybody.
Speaker 1: Who are you with? Nobody knows me. I gotta get out.
Speaker 1: I can see hear what it says. It has three
Speaker 1: letters on it's t w R. It doesn't matter, it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Let's just get out of here. What are
Speaker 1: you doing with Let's just get go my hand. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to just give a little baggy alright, alright, okay,
Speaker 1: no one sign anything, right, no one sign anything? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I saw it, God damn it. I guess I'd better
Speaker 1: take this to network. And that same number two guys
Speaker 1: C three is from Caleb, who wrote, hey, guys, my
Speaker 1: last thing I wrote and sucked at. Not blaming you,
Speaker 1: but I am blaming Cole Stratton. Okay, well, if you
Speaker 1: thought that was a derailment, just wait to this fucking
Speaker 1: Titanic thing we're gonna do. To your quick story. I
Speaker 1: recently bought some bone conduction glasses and listened to you
Speaker 1: while I'm working, and it didn't really notice how fucking
Speaker 1: creepy I looked walking around laughing to myself without any
Speaker 1: headphones until someone pointed it out to let him wear
Speaker 1: my glasses and listen to your show, and he didn't
Speaker 1: laugh once. Jesus Christ or being roasted anyways, onto the
Speaker 1: next one. Here's the suggestion. The Olympics announced that they
Speaker 1: have replaced all of their sports with new and improved
Speaker 1: ones and now require every athlete to partake in the
Speaker 1: use of performance enhancing drugs to truly test the limits
Speaker 1: of the human body. Give joy a little hetero kissing
Speaker 1: the lips from me, Thanks Caleb. Oh, what where's my
Speaker 1: robot chase? Everyone just calmed down, everybody, Your equipment is safe.
Speaker 1: Do not worry. Now, listen, organize all of the athletes.
Speaker 1: We understand that. Okay, now listen, we We have all
Speaker 1: the athletes here, all right, and where no one's gonna
Speaker 1: be able to perform rights. Everything safe, alright. Everyone's equipment
Speaker 1: has been put in several Duffel bags and they would
Speaker 1: have been on top of my world bus in duffel.
Speaker 1: Right again, everyone's equipment is in several Duffel bags and
Speaker 1: they are on top of a bus. The meaning of
Speaker 1: this does duffer bag. It's a couple of Duffel bags
Speaker 1: we had to cut and so together. All right, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah. Did you start the meeting up yesterday? Everyone?
Speaker 1: This is the head of the Olympic Committee, Mr John
Speaker 1: off Gloof. Alright, I've got some new equipment for each
Speaker 1: of you in your sports. Things are going to be
Speaker 1: a little bit more exciting this year. Al right. So
Speaker 1: who does this? This here as a schooner made of stone.
Speaker 1: It's a stone schooner. Who's the boater? Mr Glue? All right?
Speaker 1: This is your schooner, your stone schooner. All right, it
Speaker 1: looks it looks hard to me. I'm used to my rowboat. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a little strange. Let's not have any
Speaker 1: questions quite yet. Will I divvy these things out? Let's
Speaker 1: here you haven't heard. This is just the beginning of
Speaker 1: a beautiful relationship, alright. And who's who usually plays discuss?
Speaker 1: Did you hear that? Just like had everyone in that
Speaker 1: auditorium for like twenty hours as that one dude just
Speaker 1: single handedly handed out all these equipment and he didn't
Speaker 1: even know who he was, just like he was just
Speaker 1: like he means this six years. I've been working out
Speaker 1: six years. I've been killing It's okay, can we just
Speaker 1: keep kissing. I'm not gonna work in the CPR doll anymore. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm done with it, all right, we keep kissing. No,
Speaker 1: all right, said we're not together anymore? You wake up
Speaker 1: too late. I hate that, all right. I'm an early riser,
Speaker 1: you know that because I'm an athlete, all right, I'm
Speaker 1: an athlete. It needs you to continue the CPR the
Speaker 1: pushdowns on the chest. Okay, thank you, And oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's just crazy to me. I'm just thinking to myself,
Speaker 1: like where did this, Like how did this all happen?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? So what's what's the big problem?
Speaker 1: But just that, what do you mean? Like I have
Speaker 1: to whole use the whole new equipment. I'm a fensor
Speaker 1: and now he's telling me I have to use rocket haunchers.
Speaker 1: It's like, doesn't make any gud damn the sense they
Speaker 1: complete opposite of what my sport is. I want to
Speaker 1: remind you to breathe after ten bumps. Okay, yeah, we
Speaker 1: got it, We got it all right, staying alive that's
Speaker 1: the song. Okay, Hey, are you still um? You're still
Speaker 1: feeling good though, You're still feeling healthy otherwise of course. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: I'm still doing my morning routines and working on all
Speaker 1: that stuff. Yeah, and I'm just just like doing Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: says you have going to compete in the CPS this year.
Speaker 1: Huh yeah, yeah, professional pumpers what we call ourselves pump
Speaker 1: pumping breath. You know. This is it the France's U
Speaker 1: we takes the cpl LU And I don't know why
Speaker 1: you think you can compute with this. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna give it my best, if I'm being honest. Um,
Speaker 1: And actually I respect you guys so much, and I
Speaker 1: respect you in particular. Um. The way you were able
Speaker 1: to pump last year without breaking any of those ribs
Speaker 1: was like masterful? Thank you? Is it? Kali is the finesse,
Speaker 1: which I do, is it you guys? Are you guys
Speaker 1: are competing for CPR this year? We all right, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a little trickier now because I want you
Speaker 1: to hold your arms out really quick. Okay, okay, were
Speaker 1: you thinking this is kind of a hybred new steroid.
Speaker 1: It's some kind of like what Baine uses in the
Speaker 1: Batman series. So you're gonna have a lot more strength.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be hard to contain your emotions, but we
Speaker 1: still need you to do soft compressions to the chest.
Speaker 1: All right. So yeah, who is this? Ben is a band? Well,
Speaker 1: he's a he's a he's a uh pretty much a
Speaker 1: terrorist of sorts. But he uses uh power enhancement gas
Speaker 1: to give him super straight. It doesn't matter. I thought
Speaker 1: it was going to be an easy translation to you guys.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you one question? Yeah? Whye Okay, now
Speaker 1: it's about three ft. Mr Glouf, thank you for coming
Speaker 1: into the meeting of the International Olympic Committee. M hm,
Speaker 1: you have been relieved of your duties. What what opened
Speaker 1: the tank? M M tank has dolphins in it, but
Speaker 1: free dolphins. That very dangerous. That the most sexually active
Speaker 1: animals in the world. So I know are you saying
Speaker 1: I gotta go into that take. You don't have no choice.
Speaker 1: Mr Luke, you've messed up up. I thought you guys
Speaker 1: wanted to have more exciting. Yeah. That Olympic media was fucked.
Speaker 1: I mean, jeez, I don't tell. I don't know what
Speaker 1: I expected. Some kind of reprimand maybe some kind of
Speaker 1: financial like, uh, you know, I don't know payment or
Speaker 1: something like that. It's like a I don't know penalty.
Speaker 1: But my god, they threw him that day with dolphins,
Speaker 1: and those dolphins ate him a lie. Just make sure
Speaker 1: you keep breathing and pumping. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, just well anyway, voice memo over all right, Okay,
Speaker 1: let me just keep pumping and pumping. I haven't got
Speaker 1: my my doll or whatever it's called here. He's got
Speaker 1: some shot that we call her Annie Annie. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: can I get another doll? Or? Is this normal that
Speaker 1: I have to have? The very normal? Yeah? Make sure
Speaker 1: make sure fingers stronger. All right, okay, voice memo. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the Olympic Village restaurant. Um. Unfortunately, we can't seat
Speaker 1: your doll. We don't have a lot of room here,
Speaker 1: so I can get you a table for one if
Speaker 1: you like. She's like her own sheet. Very funny. Um,
Speaker 1: so here's one menu here that you are that's the appetazers.
Speaker 1: You can follow me right this way? Place? Do you
Speaker 1: do you have a menu that do a menu that's
Speaker 1: in uh French. We use the Olympic language here in
Speaker 1: the Olympic Village restaurant, so it's the universal language. France
Speaker 1: is French is a universal people know French. Wegett and
Speaker 1: I just got the order back. Look, only one can
Speaker 1: order off the dolls menu, not both of them. Okay,
Speaker 1: just one? So what you go back out there and
Speaker 1: get his order? But I can't give him both off
Speaker 1: the dolls menu are right, only only the doll Sorry, chef. Hey, um,
Speaker 1: I hope you guys are enjoying your teas. Um quick thing.
Speaker 1: It's small, but you can't. She ordered a rose a
Speaker 1: while ago and she never got Yeah, that's coming right,
Speaker 1: that's coming right now. But you you also ordered off
Speaker 1: the dolls men. You you can't order off the dolls man.
Speaker 1: You have to order off the humans menu. What do
Speaker 1: you mean I can't order off the dollsmen. It's kind
Speaker 1: of like because chef has I staid. Don't know why, dude,
Speaker 1: If I'm being honest, look, I can't fill the order.
Speaker 1: He's not gonna want to eat buttons anyways. Okay, but
Speaker 1: that makes sense. I'm right back, Okay, I figured it out.
Speaker 1: It's because he's making like food with it for dolls.
Speaker 1: It's like button she wanted to refill on her rose
Speaker 1: and she never got that yet. I'm bringing that out
Speaker 1: right now. So unless you want to eat yarn and
Speaker 1: thread and buttons, you gotta order off off the other.
Speaker 1: I'm trying her cuisine. Damn. Okay, that makes sense, dude,
Speaker 1: you know. Alright, Fine, I'll fill the order, but we
Speaker 1: can't be liable for this, alright. He literally this, This
Speaker 1: order has needles in it. Okay, you're on. I would
Speaker 1: like to present the case of my client. My client
Speaker 1: has had a button stuck in his anus for two months. Now. Sure,
Speaker 1: he ate the button, but I would prove that the
Speaker 1: restaurant is liable for allowing him to eat the button
Speaker 1: and the needles as if he was sewing on a
Speaker 1: button on a beautiful shirt. Objection, y'all. All, We happen
Speaker 1: to have footage of z plaintiff actually put in the
Speaker 1: butts up his own a noose and not digesting them,
Speaker 1: thus making the restaurant not liable. You're own a Please,
Speaker 1: I'm like to see that footage. I'd like to see
Speaker 1: the footage of him putting those buttons up his anus.
Speaker 1: All right, I'll exhibit this now. After losing the case,
Speaker 1: I did acquire all footage, and I think that GEO
Speaker 1: might really think this is a good documentary series. If not,
Speaker 1: maybe some educational uh series did to go with it.
Speaker 1: I think people don't understand the problems of eating buttons
Speaker 1: and needle. You're coming across as desperate. You bring up
Speaker 1: a lot of footage that just this isn't gonna help.
Speaker 1: It's not the NAT GEO kind of education system. We want.
Speaker 1: You tell me what this is going to teach people tonight,
Speaker 1: buttons And it was at that moment that Annie ate
Speaker 1: the crocheted rose and Buster went ahead and ate a needle.
Speaker 1: Let's take a look at it now. Okay, welcome back,
Speaker 1: lads and gentlemen to what used to be called the
Speaker 1: fencing portion of these Olympics, but today they are the
Speaker 1: rocket launcher challenge, the rocket launcher Challenge. I'm excited to
Speaker 1: see how this is gonna go also this year, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure people have been talking about it. There's been
Speaker 1: a hashtag on Twitter. Uh, this is hashtag um enhanced drugs.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to make it my own. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: make a lot of exposition to fill into this moment.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Understands what's going on?
Speaker 1: Don't go to commercial. I'm fine, I'm still good. Look,
Speaker 1: I'm still good. F one fatherly commercial, what's going on?
Speaker 1: I don't know if I even feel comfortable going against
Speaker 1: you with this rocket launcher. I study fencing. Where did
Speaker 1: you study fencing? France? A big France fencing school. That's
Speaker 1: a that's the country that's best known for their they're
Speaker 1: pumping and breathing. Uh. But they have a wide uh
Speaker 1: spectrum of Olympic training and I studied fencing. Yeah, like
Speaker 1: it covers a very big spectrum of options. Of no,
Speaker 1: I said, why, why why do they have so many? Oh?
Speaker 1: My bad? Well that was quick. Okay, it looks like
Speaker 1: Argentina take now an address from the President of the
Speaker 1: United States. Ladies and gentlemen, it's high your President Brian
Speaker 1: Crafty Heeney. I saw the footage that came from the
Speaker 1: Olympics and it was a travesty, and so we are
Speaker 1: going to discontinue the Olympics until it goes back to normal.
Speaker 1: Once everything has been met and all the boxes have
Speaker 1: been checked, then we will go back. That is all
Speaker 1: I have to say. Yep Son, I still love you, whatever, dude,
Speaker 1: You're such an asshole. So no, look who else is here?
Speaker 1: All right? Everybody wrapping up, get your stuff, get out
Speaker 1: of here. Olympics are over. Olympics are over. I don't care.
Speaker 1: Don't show what your badges. I don't care. You have
Speaker 1: been fired a long time ago. Okay, I feel like this.
Speaker 1: This is you know, this outro is kind of like
Speaker 1: you know, you know, you do one more thing the
Speaker 1: same time. Thing we need to do is what we
Speaker 1: all do is see zy Olympics, which is blyses shock
Speaker 1: lies right, shark right, sure, and that's our show. Everybody.
Speaker 1: We wrote the Shark. We did it. Let's nap each
Speaker 1: of our alchemists and see what's up. Joey Green, Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you for having me, and thank you to everybody
Speaker 1: for being here. And America's still here. I like it.
Speaker 1: I think I think she's a great country. Uh hey,
Speaker 1: thanks for having me. I appreciate you can follow me
Speaker 1: on my socials at a tool time. That's the most everything.
Speaker 1: Instagram YouTube blah blah blah. James, Hey, I've been just
Speaker 1: doing a whole bunch of video game stuff on game Front,
Speaker 1: So check that out YouTube slash game Front. Chris Alvarado. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I go to Chris dash Alvardo dot com for I mean,
Speaker 1: just a website that doesn't get updated regularly. But what
Speaker 1: I do I'm poor with grammar. I'm Cole Stratton. You
Speaker 1: can follow me at Stratton Cole or at Cole Stratton
Speaker 1: depending on the platform. You just put type it in
Speaker 1: you'll figure out which one it is. Also, uh S
Speaker 1: Sketch Fest is a comedy festival that I founded and
Speaker 1: stuff and we can't do a festival, which would normally
Speaker 1: be right now this year is We're doing a big
Speaker 1: virtual show on January, over a hundred performers. The lineup
Speaker 1: is insane. It's like Kids in the Hall and France,
Speaker 1: the Insult Comic Dog and Bob Odin Kirk and David
Speaker 1: Cross and the Tenderloins and it just goes on and
Speaker 1: on and on. Uh we're reging out of the slip
Speaker 1: nuts from Conan. Awesome anyways, Go to s S sketch
Speaker 1: Fest dot com buy a ticket. It's gonna be amazing,
Speaker 1: trust me on that. Let's thank our engineer and producer,
Speaker 1: Doug May and the fine folks at I heart Media
Speaker 1: dot com. Please write to us at your name here
Speaker 1: at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at
Speaker 1: alchemy Until next time,