Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID N
Speaker 1: one edition. I'm your host, Cool Stratton in for Kevin Pollard.
Speaker 1: Let's get her arm Mischelley. In no particular order other
Speaker 1: than this is the order. I think it's always sent
Speaker 1: to me. Say, Hey, the Craigkowski, I'm always first. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna mix it up next time. Craig, what cartoon
Speaker 1: character do you think you identify with the most? Mm
Speaker 1: hmmm mm hmm. Discourt, I'll disgust you. No explanation needed,
Speaker 1: No nine discoost dude doesn't need explanations, right, all right,
Speaker 1: you should know who's next based on the normal order. Now,
Speaker 1: please welcome back. James he Ney he need um. You're
Speaker 1: you get to be invisible for a day. What do
Speaker 1: you do non pervy stuff? What do you do? Well?
Speaker 1: First of all, I wouldn't do anything nonper I mean,
Speaker 1: how would love a good guy? Uh? Well, i'd be
Speaker 1: and it's nothing for pervy. It's okay, okay, well, uh
Speaker 1: I would probably I'd go to a bank and i'd
Speaker 1: wrap it. So not just criminal criminal He's a good boy,
Speaker 1: but not right. Look over there, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris
Speaker 1: what's a great or terrible frank you've been involved with
Speaker 1: in the past. Um, when I was really young, there
Speaker 1: were these older guys playing football by my house and
Speaker 1: I had learned the trick where if you take a
Speaker 1: stick of gum out of out of a wrapper, but
Speaker 1: then you put the rapper back into the pack, it
Speaker 1: looks like there's a piece of gum in there. And
Speaker 1: this old guy was like sweating, and I said, Hey,
Speaker 1: you want some gum? And he looked at me so seriously, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'd be great. And then he pulled out the juicy
Speaker 1: croup and open it and there was nothing there. I
Speaker 1: was I was probably eight years old, And the disappointment
Speaker 1: and hurt that fell upon that man's face I will
Speaker 1: never forget. And I'm so sorry I did that to him.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Now you wanted to eat nicotine gum makes
Speaker 1: it so much more sense. Hey, say hello to Jackie,
Speaker 1: do Ruthy? Hello, Jackie? What movie is a guilty pleasure
Speaker 1: of yours that most people probably don't like? What you love?
Speaker 1: Just like the Twelve Dates of Christmas. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of bad Christmas movies, and that one is a particularly
Speaker 1: bad to women. Um. The portrayal of women is so
Speaker 1: god awful, and yet I go back for more every year.
Speaker 1: I gotta see this woman. Um, have you know be
Speaker 1: absolutely upon Yes, I would say that is the guiltiest
Speaker 1: that's the guiltiest one. Nice. There's like, if you get Peacock,
Speaker 1: there's like twenty seven thousand Christmas movies on there if
Speaker 1: you just look movies like, it's incredible amount of like
Speaker 1: Hallmark Christmas movies. That's a weird plug for Peacock. But
Speaker 1: there you go. And finally, Joey Greer, Joey, I heard
Speaker 1: it that you just wrote a new sports jam. Can
Speaker 1: you give us a taste? Okay, well I can't. I
Speaker 1: can't give you the whole thing because because right now
Speaker 1: I'm in negotiations with a couple of networks. That tastes
Speaker 1: so we're good. Yeah, but it tastes gonna be a mouthful,
Speaker 1: and it taste canna be the entire plate. Cool, So
Speaker 1: let's not let's not sunk around here, Okay, Alright, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna get my ass sued because you want me
Speaker 1: to like break protocol and preach a contract because you
Speaker 1: want to taste. I'm a fucking professional, Okay, I got
Speaker 1: about a twenty figure deal on the table, and you
Speaker 1: want me to shift on it and then get a
Speaker 1: and then get a pipe and start breaking my toes.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. Cool, Okay. I'm an individual
Speaker 1: who not only respects my craft, I respect contracts. All right.
Speaker 1: So that's the sports jam. I can give you a
Speaker 1: little bit. I can give you a little bit there
Speaker 1: we got ready? Yep? Come on? What are your feet do?
Speaker 1: Do they hit a ball? Come on? What are your
Speaker 1: hands do? Do they grab a bat? Come on? What
Speaker 1: is your head do? Doesn't hit a ball? Come on?
Speaker 1: What does your chest do? Does it move like this?
Speaker 1: And then I'm I'm pretty fucked up? You guys probably
Speaker 1: probably be a show right here, super pumped all right.
Speaker 1: All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
Speaker 1: or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
Speaker 1: a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
Speaker 1: and other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
Speaker 1: com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
Speaker 1: scene suggestion the email, please write to the podcast at
Speaker 1: your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
Speaker 1: name here. From Patreon and v I p. Toby, who wrote,
Speaker 1: Hey Kevin, I'll tell him you said hello first. I
Speaker 1: appreciate the shout outs you guys have given to Alchemy
Speaker 1: that it's been a lot of fun. Those of us
Speaker 1: involved come from very different backgrounds and need very different lives,
Speaker 1: but your podcast has brought us all together on a
Speaker 1: common ground to create friendships that would have otherwise never existed.
Speaker 1: I want to make it abundantly clear how incredibly thankful
Speaker 1: I am and we are. My scene suggestion is actually
Speaker 1: thanks to an alchemite. Can I make that a thing
Speaker 1: that recently joined the alchemy this discord chat? But this
Speaker 1: person didn't want the credit, so I'm happy to receive
Speaker 1: it on their behalf. The scene is Cowboy Dracula. Thanks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've been prospecting out here for a long time by myself,
Speaker 1: just out of here. So here's saying you haven't seen
Speaker 1: a man or being that looks like this, sir, Well,
Speaker 1: I've seen him man, and I've seen him being before
Speaker 1: out here and then this disolate piece of land. You've
Speaker 1: seen a lot of craziest things. He's going to be
Speaker 1: no help. He's going to be absolutely no help. It's well,
Speaker 1: let's let's let's give him a chance to speak his pace.
Speaker 1: I mean we might if we can at least get
Speaker 1: a sketch of what he saw, calling that he had
Speaker 1: ears that pointed to the sky, sharp teeth, and those
Speaker 1: teeth were used to punct your necks or other parts
Speaker 1: of the body and shunk the blood out, leaving just
Speaker 1: a hollow husk of a corpse. Okay, and thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, sir. So we have a fifteen foot person
Speaker 1: pointing things. Okay, you satisfied with that? Well, look, Jenkers,
Speaker 1: there's no reason you have to be to be so
Speaker 1: condescending to the locals here. You know, I was doing
Speaker 1: a perfect legid good job of being sheriff here before
Speaker 1: you came in from the big city and decided to
Speaker 1: stir things up. Do you understand that these cufflings are
Speaker 1: worth more than your entire everything? Man, those are some
Speaker 1: good cufflings I've ever seen. They BARKI but for Vlad
Speaker 1: the kid? All right, well, how do you do shash parrilla? Ah?
Speaker 1: Let me just pour it into here? We do? Stranger,
Speaker 1: are you looking for a good time when you cough? Please?
Speaker 1: It's please cover your mouth? Wait? Is that berculoss is
Speaker 1: a little bit of blood came up. Worry about. Nothing
Speaker 1: to worry about. It's not contagious. I reckon, it's very contagious.
Speaker 1: So what did you say? Your name was young? What
Speaker 1: was the kid clad? The kid man on the ranch
Speaker 1: where we have cattle and we do roundups and the
Speaker 1: rodeos and who everybody? Oh? Sorry, yeah, okay, what's up? Hi? Hi?
Speaker 1: How you doing? I'm good? Thank you very much. I'm
Speaker 1: doing quite well actually today feeling good in my body.
Speaker 1: And I had been sick for a long time, but
Speaker 1: today I woke up and I felt refreshed for the
Speaker 1: first time. I usually wake up a little bit tired.
Speaker 1: Today I woke up and had a zing, had a
Speaker 1: zing in my body. How are you? I'm great? Thank you. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you know about the string of murderers that sweetie.
Speaker 1: It's somebody. I'm not sure, but he's good. He's doing good.
Speaker 1: Am I feeling good? Dude? How are you doing? How
Speaker 1: are you? How are you? How do you do? This
Speaker 1: is my wife? Okay, very nice, very nice? Feeling pretty good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm feeling good. Today. We were both chick is corn
Speaker 1: dollar today spry as an autumn I and I'll tell
Speaker 1: you that. So, yeah, we felt good today. It's a
Speaker 1: good day today. He wants to me one second. Now,
Speaker 1: I don't know why you keep bringing me to these weirdos. Okay,
Speaker 1: they're not gonna give me any information. Well, look, you
Speaker 1: know they are the town gossips. They they see everything,
Speaker 1: and you know you're gonna have to take in a
Speaker 1: lot of information. Uh of it will be useless. But
Speaker 1: the five percent that is gold that you pan for. Okay,
Speaker 1: the five percent um, So I won't take it so
Speaker 1: much of your time. I'm with the c I don't worry.
Speaker 1: We actually have a lot of time today. We're actually
Speaker 1: newly retired us too. We used to work together. We
Speaker 1: used to be the pharmacists of the town. And then
Speaker 1: we said, you know what, we're gonna sell it. We're
Speaker 1: gonna sell the pharmacy. Somebody bought it for a good
Speaker 1: amount of money. And now we are all set into
Speaker 1: the day we die, which I'm not gonna tell you now,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you how much it was. How about
Speaker 1: maybe maybe uh dollars? Hello, Hello, we think it's gonna
Speaker 1: last until the absolute day we die. We're pretty sure
Speaker 1: that's going to be in about ten years and four days.
Speaker 1: Pretty ten years and four days. Oh yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: there's uh, there's a couple of people here who are
Speaker 1: psychic to do sciences, and we're Christian christ. But at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, if you have something you
Speaker 1: want to bring to the table, I'm gonna eat it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: ain't no reason to not eat that food on the
Speaker 1: table if it's right there. Because Jesus didn't he ate
Speaker 1: with the sinners, and he ate with the saints, he
Speaker 1: ate with prostitutes, and he ate with apostle. So at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I'm gonna go and have
Speaker 1: a median tell me exactly when I'm gonna die. Look,
Speaker 1: if there's a median out there, if there's any kind
Speaker 1: of median, we're going to find out what's going on,
Speaker 1: all right, to catch that Jenkins That five percent they
Speaker 1: was useful. Hello cowboy, he's okay. If I join you
Speaker 1: for a game of card gambles. I see you have
Speaker 1: game going. I joined in here. I'm playing solitaire the
Speaker 1: weird cowboy who play corner. I guess we could play
Speaker 1: I don't know what we'd call it. A duelitaire, a
Speaker 1: duel yes, sit down, partner shot down. I had to
Speaker 1: hunch o over my head, keep sitting wall tall. You're
Speaker 1: a tall son of a bitch. How tall are red
Speaker 1: five on the black six? Red five on the black six?
Speaker 1: Thank you? I'm playing this game by myself though, Okay,
Speaker 1: well there I was. I was looking through all my options.
Speaker 1: I was looking through my options. This game is fucking
Speaker 1: throwing Danny shock up. All right, why don't you come
Speaker 1: over here? We'll play a three person game of I
Speaker 1: don't know, conness, what's a good three players card game?
Speaker 1: So you're telling me all of these pigs have two
Speaker 1: holes in their neck and they're all they all blood out,
Speaker 1: they're all dead. They have no blood in their in
Speaker 1: their bodies. That correct, And they only had no holes
Speaker 1: adpe man, they got on a hole in the neck. Man,
Speaker 1: knee out. We're go on, man. Do you have any
Speaker 1: tell what to say to you? I understand, I understand.
Speaker 1: Now do you have about uh? Any idea? Who or what?
Speaker 1: Do you tell them? What I told you that she'll
Speaker 1: tell it late and not going to say in a
Speaker 1: loud to come down to Temple Top. Don't know if
Speaker 1: the album are or not, but only now look sheriff, sheriff.
Speaker 1: I think I'm just about done here. Um, how these
Speaker 1: folks are from New Orleans, I don't I don't know.
Speaker 1: All right, here's what I don't know how they got
Speaker 1: here or everybody in your town, I don't know. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's fair. Everyone seems to be describing some kind of
Speaker 1: dracon you know, and that's that doesn't give me a
Speaker 1: lot to work with. You know, these people have hyper
Speaker 1: imaginations that probably probably very low like cues. And I
Speaker 1: just keep hearing that from everybody. Everybody. Somebody talls somebody things.
Speaker 1: That doesn't help. Well, it doesn't help me, Agan Jenkins.
Speaker 1: These are simple people, uh, and they're straightforward with you.
Speaker 1: So whatever they're saying, do you You've got to weave
Speaker 1: that into your theory because everything they're saying is true.
Speaker 1: I need a drink, all right, I'm coming to door.
Speaker 1: Hold on a second, I just woke up. I just
Speaker 1: woke up. I'm coming to door now for you. Hello, Oh,
Speaker 1: sheriff and guy, Hey Glad, it's it's the sheriff. This
Speaker 1: is Agent Jenkins from the c I A also possibly
Speaker 1: a time traveler. Uh. We uh, we're just doing a routine, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, questioning of all the all the townspeople, now,
Speaker 1: Vlad the kid here is has lived in this town
Speaker 1: for years, and he's aid he's a productive citizen. I
Speaker 1: honestly don't know if he's going to be any used
Speaker 1: to you whatsoever. But there's been a rash of of
Speaker 1: people murders and pig murders. Uh, plad, have you seen
Speaker 1: anything unusual? This is terrible. Yes, I have seen very
Speaker 1: unusual things. Uh. The one thing that I saw was
Speaker 1: a there was a a pig that was attack in
Speaker 1: the other pigs like he had turned and now he is, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, a vampire pig. Baby. Did somebody? Did somebody
Speaker 1: die recently? Flat in your family? I see it. I
Speaker 1: see a coffin in there. You can just move your
Speaker 1: head a little bit. No, just moving, No, that's his side,
Speaker 1: hustle of mine and make the coffin to sell sometimes
Speaker 1: sales coffins on the side. It's you know, we've got
Speaker 1: a hot death right in this town. There's a there's
Speaker 1: consumption going around and there's a lot of card game violence. Sheriff,
Speaker 1: Did they have to find your son, No, he's he's
Speaker 1: he's still hopefully out there somewhere, but probably dead. He
Speaker 1: happened to see someone like him. But he's a little
Speaker 1: while now, don't you pay no attention? Dad? Tell you who? Bruce? Bruce, Bruce,
Speaker 1: my boy, We're gonna questions. You're so pale. What happened?
Speaker 1: I don't know. My head feels so whoozy. Well, you've
Speaker 1: got two puncture marks in your neck, just like those pigs.
Speaker 1: This is not what it looks like. What happened? It's
Speaker 1: very easy to explain, glad, No need to explain, no
Speaker 1: need to explain. No, no, all they need to explain,
Speaker 1: all the need to explain. But sure, I know, glad,
Speaker 1: you know I've dated just about every thing in this town.
Speaker 1: But objects. I'm sorry. The left one is the good one.
Speaker 1: I can tell you the right I just all right,
Speaker 1: So what do you know about lad? Specifically? Was she
Speaker 1: got two whiskey? Is one for the lady one for
Speaker 1: this candlestick? Thank you very much? Oh just one moment,
Speaker 1: Are you dating this candlestick? Or like? Now? Yeah, all right? Um,
Speaker 1: you had a question about Blade. Was he aggressive? Was
Speaker 1: he nice? I mean the girls have in a good way.
Speaker 1: Let's just say I call them blood the man. Let's
Speaker 1: just say that very giving, very giving you hand out
Speaker 1: from underneath, from from between your legs. I got my hand. Well,
Speaker 1: where's that candlestick going? Listen, I've got cold hands. I've
Speaker 1: got to warm them up somehow. What better way than
Speaker 1: with the handle? I'm a right, it doesn't doesn't, Charlene,
Speaker 1: that's fun. That was fun. And now last time you
Speaker 1: made me invite you to enter my body. Um, I
Speaker 1: can't do that again if you want. But honestly, I
Speaker 1: like a little more do I have? Well, I like
Speaker 1: a little more um spontaneity. So I'm just gonna go
Speaker 1: make some t and if you happen to come up,
Speaker 1: come up at me, just know that it's concentral. I'm
Speaker 1: consenting right now. Aheaded this was an invitation, then this
Speaker 1: is officially an invitation. It is, um, well, it is
Speaker 1: less of an invitation and more of a if you
Speaker 1: decide yes, you can. It's a green light. It's a pass,
Speaker 1: but it's not it's not a direct Um. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: like to be I need to know, do you invite me?
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, sometimes I want to be pursued. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to always be the one coming down
Speaker 1: to you. Now, look sheriff. I think the last person
Speaker 1: I speaking in the town is the there's a cowboy
Speaker 1: who plays Solitaire by himself. Is that correct? Yep? There
Speaker 1: they call him Solitaire Joe solitary job. You'll play an
Speaker 1: as occasionally, but you need at least three other people
Speaker 1: in two decks. All right, let's head on into the
Speaker 1: saloon here. Uh, I'll tell you right now. A Shana
Speaker 1: Ashana goddamn vampire. No where it no where here. That's
Speaker 1: radiold plan. Discount everything he says, done and done part
Speaker 1: of me, sir, uh, excuse me. I'm kind of in
Speaker 1: the middle of a game, understood, If I can just
Speaker 1: have a moment of your time. I'm here with the sheriff.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm agent Jenking. You got a nice right there
Speaker 1: that can go right up top. Yeah, but I don't
Speaker 1: want to make a move. I can't take moves back
Speaker 1: and think you gotta put your aces up top. Just
Speaker 1: a couple of questionss just just one question. What anything
Speaker 1: suspicious happening lately in the town that you've noticed. I
Speaker 1: understand you keep to yourself, but maybe you've got eyes.
Speaker 1: I haven't heard anything suspicious. Maybe it's a cho pacabra.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know who could want Why
Speaker 1: are you getting nervous, Salter, Joe, I'm not nervous. I
Speaker 1: just I just couldn't believe they almost missed Nick. So there,
Speaker 1: just put it up top. So you're sweating profusely. And
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you I'm trained at the CIA. I
Speaker 1: understand by language. What is the CIA again, it's the
Speaker 1: California Institute of Arresting. That sounds oh church it now?
Speaker 1: This is uh your picture two up? There go the two.
Speaker 1: Now listen, Joe, I gotta ask you a couple question.
Speaker 1: Maybe you can stand outside with new Man's blood all
Speaker 1: over me, ma'am? How's that consumption at? It's just to
Speaker 1: sit down? Oh my gosh, Oh you want to go,
Speaker 1: so you ought to take me. I'm gonna go upstairs
Speaker 1: with my lady friend. I'll just wash your I'll watch
Speaker 1: your cards, make sure no what's talking all right? And
Speaker 1: then I'll go outside and talk to you guys tonight after.
Speaker 1: So it's salt Joe all along. You know, I have
Speaker 1: to say, I feel very targeted here. You know you
Speaker 1: should leave your preconceived notions about people from ball Dick
Speaker 1: States at the door before you accuse them age And look, look, uh,
Speaker 1: I've learned a lot spending time in this town this week.
Speaker 1: And you're right. I owe you an apology, and we
Speaker 1: at the California Institute of Arresting are aiming to do
Speaker 1: better in the future. You're right, you were my number
Speaker 1: one suspect and and and I'm sorry about that. Now now,
Speaker 1: did you want to come into my hotel room for
Speaker 1: a drink? Are you inviting me in? Yeah? Of course
Speaker 1: I I I invite you, glad to come on into
Speaker 1: my hotel room for a drink. This is going to
Speaker 1: be at night in the Hallwood. See two is from Eric.
Speaker 1: You wrote, Hi, my name is Eric, and I've been
Speaker 1: listening and laughing since the very beginning. I wanted to
Speaker 1: send some love Joey Greer's way and say that his
Speaker 1: sketch album good Night is hilarious and everybody should check
Speaker 1: it out. That is true. Already check out a good Night.
Speaker 1: I've been sending it around and now Oslo is in
Speaker 1: the top five cities listening on Spotify, although only five
Speaker 1: people are listening. But hey, it's hey, I'll take it.
Speaker 1: See see a suggestion Two guys sharing a toothbrush from Norway. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you're gonna Are you using an hour. What
Speaker 1: do you a hello? Oh, holy shit, Mark, wake up?
Speaker 1: Wake up? Oh god, you were you sleep cleaning? Huh
Speaker 1: you were sleep cleaning? Dude? Oh my god, this is
Speaker 1: this isn't my toothbrush. No, no, it's our toothbrush, our toothbrush. Mark.
Speaker 1: Come on, buddy, every time you wake up from one
Speaker 1: of these sleep cleaning I gotta remind it's like the
Speaker 1: first stage withoutam standard remember that? But your gums are
Speaker 1: turning purple and black? Do you remember fifty one stage?
Speaker 1: Withoutim saying? No? I don't remember that movie? Literally that
Speaker 1: to you. So it's with him and Um, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I want to say Dustin Hoffman. That's not her name.
Speaker 1: What is her name? It's um damn, what the hell
Speaker 1: is her name? I forgot to or it'll be you slut.
Speaker 1: I hear you're seeing two mouths right now? Yeah, what
Speaker 1: of it? I'm just saying, you know, like your bristles
Speaker 1: get around and we all know it. There's a reason
Speaker 1: that seven out of ten doct dentists recommend you. You've
Speaker 1: been everywhere. You're getting around and the reputation is out there.
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you now as a friend. Look, Phillips
Speaker 1: you're not much of a friend if you're throwing these
Speaker 1: accusations my way. Okay, I like to have a good time.
Speaker 1: I like to party. I like I like to party. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: we understand that. But you know what, your bristles are
Speaker 1: getting super worn down. You're gonna wear out so much
Speaker 1: earlier than the rest of it. It just means that
Speaker 1: I'm having a good life. I'm having a good time.
Speaker 1: If your bristles are intact, you're boring. Okay, wow, okay, alright,
Speaker 1: I know how it is. Yeah, so I don't have
Speaker 1: super special bristles that can get to the hard to
Speaker 1: reach areas like you do. I get that. I see
Speaker 1: why that's attractive for all those mouths. Okay, but I
Speaker 1: mean the best I can. I have a dentist phone
Speaker 1: number on me and I was given free and I'm
Speaker 1: just grateful for any mouth that will use me. You know,
Speaker 1: speaking of which, Mark, it's not that big a deal, dude,
Speaker 1: It's still I've ever wanted to use the same tooth
Speaker 1: brushes you. Okay, so this one here, I'm unwrapping it now,
Speaker 1: this one's mine. We are from this point forward using
Speaker 1: two separate toothbrushes. Please for God's sakes, could you just
Speaker 1: keep yours somewhere? I can't get to it when I'm asleep. Hey, Mark,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'll do everything i can, but this is
Speaker 1: really unnerving for me. And we've been sharing everything, you know,
Speaker 1: one pair of socks. This isn't normal. These are things
Speaker 1: that I'm not supposed to be doing. These things. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm talking to two different more. When you're asleep,
Speaker 1: you're all about this, but then when you're awake, you're
Speaker 1: not Mark. What's going on exactly? When I'm asleep, I'm
Speaker 1: a different person. Okay, So I need you to keep
Speaker 1: your clothes, your toothbrush, anything that we might share when
Speaker 1: I'm awake, everything, everything, Mark, I'm going to have to
Speaker 1: ask you to move out. This is this is our apartment.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to ask you to move out. It's
Speaker 1: I have to live alone. Can you really pay half?
Speaker 1: I don't. I haven't really budged it out, but I'm
Speaker 1: sure that I can if I cut back on cable.
Speaker 1: And now, Mark, you do live alone and you're not
Speaker 1: getting any better. You keep but then why are my
Speaker 1: gums turning purple and black? What's wrong with me? There's
Speaker 1: no roommate. There's no roommate that who's toothbrush? And by sharing,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to answer that for you. I
Speaker 1: can just tell you my falling out. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Have you tried switching toothbrush toothbrushes? Have you tried switching
Speaker 1: toothbrushes toothbrushes? That's weird to say. Do you ever get
Speaker 1: a feeling that, like your toothbrush is a little slut.
Speaker 1: You just don't want to use it anymore because it's
Speaker 1: like a nasty little slut. It's so weird that you
Speaker 1: brought that up, because yes, right, like, I'm looking at
Speaker 1: this thing and I can barely fucking recognize it. I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is listen, there's like having fun and like doing
Speaker 1: your thing, but then there's like you're a slot. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm using an oral b and the word oral is
Speaker 1: like right in there. I'm sorry, let me just drop
Speaker 1: this out. We have to cheese. Dacorates is right to cheese, yes,
Speaker 1: thank you. One of them is soft cheese, the other
Speaker 1: one's hard cheese. I'm getting the hard cheese. Yeah. You
Speaker 1: should see a piece of hard cheese run on the
Speaker 1: rim right there. Mind the soft cheese Dacris. Yes, it's right, okay,
Speaker 1: And I needed especially big straw to suck up all
Speaker 1: that cheese. Of course, of course, let me see if
Speaker 1: we don't have any seven eleven slushy straws in the back. Phillips,
Speaker 1: what happened to you? You look different? Really? You think
Speaker 1: I look different? You don't look so good? Phillips. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: Well you know what. It turns out that or will
Speaker 1: Be gave something to my owner, and now I contracted it.
Speaker 1: So like the you know, his mouth is purple and blue,
Speaker 1: and like I, my bristles are falling out, and I
Speaker 1: don't know how much time I have. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry to hear that. I mean, when I
Speaker 1: had that issue, I just I just put in a
Speaker 1: new a new head, you know. But you don't have
Speaker 1: that option. Do you know? I'm not electronic and fancy
Speaker 1: like you. I get it. I'm basic. It's okay, it
Speaker 1: is okay, listen, listen. You know you know people use
Speaker 1: toothbrushes to carde brushes for other purposes than just brushing teeth.
Speaker 1: How about in jail? How about in jail? Okay? But
Speaker 1: I don't really want to be shived as my last act, Mark,
Speaker 1: that therapist is trying to break us up. We can't
Speaker 1: have that. Okay, we can't go to the therapist anymore.
Speaker 1: You understand? Okay? But I and I hear you. But
Speaker 1: what makes me doing to order multiple meals at a restaurant?
Speaker 1: Is it always a thing? Where do you gonna stop
Speaker 1: talking about us? Do you understand? Okay? We got about
Speaker 1: forty people living in this house working to overthrow I. Um,
Speaker 1: I can I've never seen a therapist before. Is it?
Speaker 1: Could I lay down? Or do do I have to
Speaker 1: sit up? Should I lay down? You can do whatever
Speaker 1: it feels comfortable. Okay, I'm just gonna lay down. Um
Speaker 1: my boyfriend Mark, Mark, he's acting. He's just been acting
Speaker 1: so weird, and I've been feeling so disconnected. And then
Speaker 1: he shot himself in the face. He shot himself in
Speaker 1: the face, and he lived, and I now have to
Speaker 1: stay with him, like he has such issues obviously, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like he shot himself in the face,
Speaker 1: and so I would think that would take him out
Speaker 1: of the picture for me, But now I feel so
Speaker 1: much more trapped, Like I can't leave this guy. He
Speaker 1: just shot himself in the face. I can't leave him now.
Speaker 1: He's pretty common. Actually, it's called the case. It's called
Speaker 1: the Case of the Fight Club, and it's like it's
Speaker 1: been documented, you know, it happens. Yeah, I've seen that.
Speaker 1: I've seen that documentary. Actually, yeah, people in it. I mean,
Speaker 1: are there people for real? I mean it seems weird.
Speaker 1: It seems weird, like that the v t V in
Speaker 1: the hair? Why are you still here? I tyler? Why
Speaker 1: are you still here with me? I really gotten ree
Speaker 1: you all the other people here. You just shot my
Speaker 1: ear off. Mark. Okay, you shot my ear off, but
Speaker 1: it was supposed to get rid of you. But then,
Speaker 1: why the fun would you think shooting yourself in the
Speaker 1: head would kill me? That's so crazy you are, Mark.
Speaker 1: That's a crazy word. That's what you need me. Okay,
Speaker 1: put this two push in your mouth. Let it poke
Speaker 1: out the side. Pull over? Uh, ma'am. Have you had
Speaker 1: any cheese tonight? Yeah? How about your friend there? I
Speaker 1: had so much? She has soft cheese. I had heard cheese.
Speaker 1: That's why I'm driving. Ok I'm gonna what's your name?
Speaker 1: What's your name? It's not it's not important. Let's go
Speaker 1: out of the car. Does but are you saying okay, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just I'm just kind of wow. I
Speaker 1: gotta make you two are making me blush. And that's melt.
Speaker 1: That smell is sucking incredible. I had limburger, I had um.
Speaker 1: Look you YouTube seems really nice. Okay, do we need
Speaker 1: to name tin cheese as while we walk backwards? I
Speaker 1: think you got a name my phone number? You got it, officer.
Speaker 1: I know it's weird. I don't have a license. I'm
Speaker 1: a toothbrush. But I have to get to the prison.
Speaker 1: I have to get there. Oh, you're going there. Step
Speaker 1: out of the car. You're going there. You're going to prison.
Speaker 1: I can roll out, Okay, roll out. Look at these
Speaker 1: filthy asked bristles. You belong in prison. Get him here,
Speaker 1: get in the back of the car. Here we go. Uh,
Speaker 1: I'm driving to the prison. Um, Joni, did you did
Speaker 1: you arrest a toothbrush? What's up? Dude? Did you arrest
Speaker 1: a toothbrush? I had a big gas workout I love
Speaker 1: in the gym here at the priest. Did you arrest
Speaker 1: a toothbrush? I had a weird day, that's what you mean? Damn?
Speaker 1: Is this your game? Smell like cheese? Jon dude, I
Speaker 1: just need gay electro lights are like, are you on
Speaker 1: cheese right now? Kind of question? Is that? Man? Answer me?
Speaker 1: Are you on cheese right now? I have a little cheez,
Speaker 1: a little cheese. C I a up our ask right now?
Speaker 1: And you're gonna come in here risking a good damn
Speaker 1: toothbrust and fucking being on cheese. We're gonna do. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do you want to do? I'm not well right now? No,
Speaker 1: ship you not well? We got Mark on the street
Speaker 1: telling everybody about what our plants are. Now you better
Speaker 1: shape up or ship out. Okay, I'll ship shape. Oh,
Speaker 1: cheap up, good, cheap up, I'll shape up. Don't make me,
Speaker 1: I will make me. You understand, I do, I do. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm walking away. I felt better already. I'm gonna stand here.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna move. I actually feel good. I felt good.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna use this time now that we have all
Speaker 1: this time here to tell you. I do think you're
Speaker 1: real on the ground. Yeah okay, yeah, black frank black.
Speaker 1: If we're going to take that again, the vocals are
Speaker 1: just getting really distorted. It kind of because I'm doing
Speaker 1: the instruments too. Yeah, I think it might be. You know,
Speaker 1: we can plug your instruments in and we can do
Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, but you don't. You don't
Speaker 1: have to do all that. So I'm want to record
Speaker 1: an instrument track first and then my vocals sick it. Okay,
Speaker 1: we can do that, Okay, alright, I'm already to go.
Speaker 1: I am rolling, and whenever you're ready, no no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no no no, and then you can just
Speaker 1: loop that. Okay. For one second, I think he's cheese
Speaker 1: out of his brain in there. I think he's sucking
Speaker 1: cheese out of his mind in there. He definitely is.
Speaker 1: But he's a brilliant, brilliantist. I can't tell him no,
Speaker 1: you know, should we just wrap it for the day
Speaker 1: and see if you can come back with less cheese
Speaker 1: on the mind? You can try it ultimately, like you know,
Speaker 1: it's his studio time. He may say, Man, I'm supposed
Speaker 1: to drop off this cheese shop of ches. Get the
Speaker 1: out of here. We don't want no cheese. Let him
Speaker 1: into my let him someone show him into my room,
Speaker 1: fucking arc. Don't shove me. I'm a producer. Yeah, you produce.
Speaker 1: You probably produced ass bitch us your trees, and that's
Speaker 1: our second scene, the h one behind the music of
Speaker 1: the Fixies. It's pretty fantastic. Final scene threes from Patreon Alcmaniacs.
Speaker 1: I really don't know how y'll do it. Every episode
Speaker 1: gets funnier and funnier. Thank you for existing. My scene
Speaker 1: suggestion is Norma Desmond finds out about TikTok Norma, Norma,
Speaker 1: you look amazing today. Oh my god, I dressed up.
Speaker 1: I woke up early because I went to bed early
Speaker 1: less night. Oh. I've never seen you wearing a dress before.
Speaker 1: It's like, hello, there's her body. But I'm not the
Speaker 1: Norma Desmonds you saw before. I'm a brand new kind
Speaker 1: of Norma Desmond. You're Sima. I just whatever normatizement you
Speaker 1: remember from the past. This is the brand new. If
Speaker 1: you had a sitcom and be called new norm that's good.
Speaker 1: I have a laugh track and it'd be popping off.
Speaker 1: You're amazing. You recognizable, but you're incredible. You're even better before. Oh,
Speaker 1: I think that's my phone. I don't know what's weird
Speaker 1: being hello, normal. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a
Speaker 1: living nurse. Normal. That that's your that's your heart rate monitor.
Speaker 1: Oh so sorry. Normal doesn't need a heart rate monitor. No,
Speaker 1: normal you do? Normal? You do? Okay, so why do
Speaker 1: why don't we? Why don't we have our guests come
Speaker 1: back tomorrow? Maybe you'reett a little excited. Why don't you
Speaker 1: just have Why don't you just wheel this thing with us?
Speaker 1: We'll go for a walk outside. Are you her new
Speaker 1: Are you her new social media manager? Yes? I am. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm very good with all of the social So if
Speaker 1: you needed help as well, I could. Also it's a
Speaker 1: small fee. I I don't give a about that. I'm
Speaker 1: a nurse. I take care of your lives. Listen. I Um,
Speaker 1: she can't be exciting. Some people said I take care
Speaker 1: of human lives too. In terms of self esteem confidence, Um,
Speaker 1: feeling like you have friends when you might not normal? Okay, Norma,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm back. I'm back and I'm better than ever. Okay. Um,
Speaker 1: so you see what I'm saying here? Okay, I mean
Speaker 1: I saw alator save her life. I didn't see you
Speaker 1: save her life. You know, I use but like that's
Speaker 1: a machine, right, and like sell our cell phones. I
Speaker 1: just feel like we're kind of the same. And this
Speaker 1: is not about me or you. This is about Norma
Speaker 1: looking amazing, new normal looking. If I feel this good,
Speaker 1: I want to I want to be back in the spotlight.
Speaker 1: I want to be to the light. No, come to me,
Speaker 1: to me. Are you ready for your close up of
Speaker 1: heaven normal? Dude? This is the wildest TikTok. Can't believe
Speaker 1: it hasn't gotten band or fly yet. It's just like
Speaker 1: I think it's this woman just getting defibulated like over
Speaker 1: and over again. Dude. It's like n s f L. Dude,
Speaker 1: it's been nuts. Yeah, I'm just trying to work here, sick.
Speaker 1: What's your hand? I'll follow you. You can follow me back.
Speaker 1: I'm not on TikTok. I'm in my forties. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you're not on TikTok. What are you still on Instagram?
Speaker 1: You old fuck dude? Get on TikTok right now. I
Speaker 1: think I have an Instagram. I barely use it. Think dude,
Speaker 1: you better man. It's all about the follows. Right now.
Speaker 1: I got about three d fifty thousand followers. My TikTok's
Speaker 1: get over seven million views. Look, I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: secure this crime scene. I hear you're talking about TikTok. Bro. Oh,
Speaker 1: I wasn't. This guy was if you could take him
Speaker 1: off my hands. TikTok, what are you fifty? All the
Speaker 1: kids now are on bling black day, bling blinging suck students.
Speaker 1: Bling blank is the future, man, We're all bling blank.
Speaker 1: You know no way du blom bling is used by
Speaker 1: the Spanish government to spy on those dude, that's what
Speaker 1: do you mean? It's too late to capitalize on TikTok
Speaker 1: being a thing and my song having TikTok on the
Speaker 1: clock and see the sunlight? What do you mean bling?
Speaker 1: I don't have a song. Hold, I'm gonna say I
Speaker 1: love that song personal, thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I like my more serious talk TikTok, TikTok to the clock,
Speaker 1: you see the sun and then we see the sunlight. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you show me that we could capitalize on that, but
Speaker 1: that time is coming gone. We're not moving to bling bling.
Speaker 1: I don't have a song that has bling blang, and
Speaker 1: I'm like coming serious. Fuck, I'm gonna have to talk
Speaker 1: to a bunch of people in Nashville, no problem. Listen. Also,
Speaker 1: really quick, you did you did throwout You threw out
Speaker 1: an idea a while ago. You see norma. You were
Speaker 1: saying the new norm But we were thinking, let's bring
Speaker 1: her over to blink blank. Let's go with the new norma.
Speaker 1: That just feels better, right, the new norma. I'm so sorry. Um,
Speaker 1: did I have a good idea or did you? I'm
Speaker 1: just I'm I'm piggyback. This is you know, I'm saying yes?
Speaker 1: And all right, Frank Black, you want to do another
Speaker 1: tike of the bling blank song? Absolutely, let's go. Can
Speaker 1: I do the instruments first? Again? Thank you so much?
Speaker 1: All right, whenever you're ready, all right and ban and
Speaker 1: loop it. Luke, Um, Look, you don't have good ideas? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: Cash Show has good ideas. Okay, okay, okay, okay, Yeah
Speaker 1: we collaborate. So what's up? Luke? I don't normally bring
Speaker 1: every single board member of c A into what is
Speaker 1: everybody here? What's up? What's the good news? Well, we
Speaker 1: wanted to shame you one of the time. Yeah, usually
Speaker 1: our policy can't do it in private, but we can
Speaker 1: do it publicly. What's the issue. You don't have good
Speaker 1: ideas because you're a dumb dumb We lost seven million
Speaker 1: dollars on one blank blank video. That's not true. That's
Speaker 1: I mean, that's yeah, but you gotta lose money to
Speaker 1: make money. Guys, you're cio. You gotta spend money to
Speaker 1: make money, not lose money to make What did I say,
Speaker 1: lose money to make money? Lucy, Lucy. I think that
Speaker 1: man with the beeping machine is I think he's trying
Speaker 1: to kill me. I think he's an undertaker. Will I'll
Speaker 1: go to tiktokok, to Bing bank, I'll go to wherever
Speaker 1: you want. But I need this machine that came peeping
Speaker 1: to get out of my way. I need you to
Speaker 1: get me out of here. I mean, yeah, we can.
Speaker 1: We can post it on all of your socials that
Speaker 1: that's how you feel, and it can almost be like
Speaker 1: a news alert. Yeah we can do that. You got
Speaker 1: to get me out of this room and away from that.
Speaker 1: Let me take um. Let me hype up like a little.
Speaker 1: Let me just see how short I can make the
Speaker 1: sentence explaining what you just said to me. Well, do
Speaker 1: it before that guy gets back, because that guy is
Speaker 1: trying to Everybody check this out. We're in Times Square.
Speaker 1: Look at the big screen. There's gonna be a new
Speaker 1: a new post from the New Norma. Everybody check this out.
Speaker 1: This is gonna be here. It's actually called the New Norm.
Speaker 1: That doesn't make sense because her name is Norma. It
Speaker 1: just seems like that would be the better idea. So
Speaker 1: here's here, she goes, I mean that makes sense for
Speaker 1: like Norm McDonald or something exactly. So sure, so you're wrong,
Speaker 1: but look, here's here's the I think the Normal was
Speaker 1: already a sitcom. Yeah, so they went with New Norm.
Speaker 1: It's normal because that's her name. There's no why would
Speaker 1: I be wrong? That was like my idea was right,
Speaker 1: it would be like the New Norm. I'm sorry, So
Speaker 1: you don't have any get your gun tickets. No, we're
Speaker 1: just we're just outside here, standby line. I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to find the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. I get me
Speaker 1: out of this room. I got to get away from
Speaker 1: this for Shane. Help me, so Bunny help me. But look,
Speaker 1: this horse is fucking a real man. I mean you crazy?
Speaker 1: Just on YouTube? Is that? Thanks everybody for being here. Um,
Speaker 1: thank you to the sound engineers that that are gonna
Speaker 1: eq this track. Um, we all know Norma. She's right
Speaker 1: here next to me. She has pledged. Hey man, you
Speaker 1: know what man done? Dude? All right, wait, wait hear
Speaker 1: this out. Here's this out it's really good. My best
Speaker 1: idea it normal wants to live in infamy. She's gonna
Speaker 1: unpleas her heart monitor and that'll be the soundtrack to
Speaker 1: her death song. Hear me out now, studio producer, we're
Speaker 1: going to lay down the instrumental. Do you know? That's not?
Speaker 1: Of course? I know his name? How how long have
Speaker 1: you worked with him? You know his name? What's his name?
Speaker 1: I refer to him by his title to show respect.
Speaker 1: What's his name? So we're gonna land on this the
Speaker 1: track person that Okay, I just say his name, just
Speaker 1: just say his name. He's worked. I don't want this attention. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm the studio producer.
Speaker 1: It's fine, it's fine. You have a name. I know you, dude,
Speaker 1: Look at me, Look at me. I know you. You
Speaker 1: know I see his name, just to see his name,
Speaker 1: do you know? I know? Wait? Wait a second, did
Speaker 1: you say this is going on infamy? Yes? The new platform? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see it. Then, man, that info
Speaker 1: me is popping, Thank you, thank what's his name? Wait? Wait? Wait, wait,
Speaker 1: wait a second, are you trying to tell me that
Speaker 1: there's a new platform, because I wrote a really bad
Speaker 1: song called Bling Bling to capitalize on the Bling Blang popular.
Speaker 1: We moved back. Okay, you know her, right? Do you
Speaker 1: think time here? At this point? Just say your name.
Speaker 1: She's a superstar. Guys. Only name I need to know
Speaker 1: is Norma and she's right here next to me, and
Speaker 1: she's gonna, what's your name? Dude? I know my name, Dude,
Speaker 1: I don't know this young man. I think trying to
Speaker 1: just pull the goddamn plug, Norma, and you get all
Speaker 1: the likes you want. You want the lights, you want
Speaker 1: to be relevant again. That's Dr Luke, that's Kesha. You're
Speaker 1: Norma Desmond the Silent Film. Start from Sunset Bulevard. Come
Speaker 1: to the light, Norma, come to the lights. Oh shit,
Speaker 1: fucking I'll go to the light. Hello, Norma. Take a
Speaker 1: look around all the past take ox stars are here,
Speaker 1: Glad the kids over there, everybody you've ever heard of.
Speaker 1: I've never heard of Lad the kid. Alright, you're going
Speaker 1: back down, and that's ship there. Thank each of our alchemists.
Speaker 1: If you know their names. Chris uh, let's see what
Speaker 1: they're up to. Chris Overorado. Thanks. By the way, it
Speaker 1: sounds like somebody is in a subway station. That's me
Speaker 1: that I just had the ruck right now mine. I
Speaker 1: just that was so much fun. Thanks to everybody. Oh
Speaker 1: quick shout out to a de Burke illustration who keeps
Speaker 1: pumping out these great illustrations of us. He's making these
Speaker 1: like cards, cards, like basically by a deck of those cards.
Speaker 1: They're so great, David, David Burt Jr. We appreciate you,
Speaker 1: big shout out to you. That's a across Larado. Love
Speaker 1: you guys. Sweet James teeny ah. Yeah. I check out
Speaker 1: bear supply at b S Comedy, Twitch dot tv, slash
Speaker 1: BS Comedy Wednesday, eight pm. Sweet Jae, Uh, you know
Speaker 1: I'm at Jackie Ruthie on all this stuff. Thanks for
Speaker 1: having me. Uh And if you have the chance, I
Speaker 1: will plug an old show that I love that not
Speaker 1: enough people have seen. Uh. Just watch Felicity, That's what.
Speaker 1: There's no need for me to plug it. But I
Speaker 1: mean I'm in many episodes of Felstening, yes, as a
Speaker 1: as as as an extra. Okay, but hold on, I
Speaker 1: had an audition and I have there's the there's the
Speaker 1: Morning After Pill episode. I'm a big part of that.
Speaker 1: I'm like waiting in line with all the people I
Speaker 1: danced at one point in audition to break against It's
Speaker 1: a whole thing. We'll talk offline. We'll talk offline. Felicity.
Speaker 1: Everybody see wow, something we never knew that. Chris Kaski,
Speaker 1: She's google Kaikowski, see what happens. Definitely watch the Felicity
Speaker 1: episodes or Chris changes his hair because those those are
Speaker 1: really solid, and then when he changes his hair, it
Speaker 1: really goes off the rails. That's right. Take the Craig
Speaker 1: Atkowsky challenge. Go google them. See what happens. Joey gram
Speaker 1: you know it. God bless Jim Chum on Instagram. February eighteen,
Speaker 1: at five pm. I'm doing a show for Dynasty Typewriter.
Speaker 1: It's an unauthorized prefight show for Logan Paul versus of Mayweather.
Speaker 1: So come check that out if you want to start,
Speaker 1: you know, know where to place your bets because we
Speaker 1: got some experts talking. We do yet I can't remember.
Speaker 1: Oh we I got done real fast. I have at
Speaker 1: Cold Stratton on Twitter, at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Uh,
Speaker 1: you go to s Sketchwest dot com. Check out our
Speaker 1: past archival videos and our big benefit that we just
Speaker 1: did it's pretty amazing. Uh. Let's thank our amazing engineering
Speaker 1: producer Doug Bay and the fine folks at I Heart
Speaker 1: Media dot com. Fulpum, please write to us at your
Speaker 1: name here and I'll give you this dot com. That's
Speaker 1: your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Until next time,
Speaker 1: welcome