Speaker 1: Who's that man joking in my ease? He's Ron Burgundy.
Speaker 1: I call myself Ron Burgundy. I'm famous, I own many clocks.
Speaker 1: This is my podcast. You are listening to my podcasts
Speaker 1: and you will be rewarded with great knowledge. I can't
Speaker 1: confirm this, but I've heard it said, perhaps by me,
Speaker 1: that you can earn a degree listening to my podcast.
Speaker 1: That's what I heard from my source, my source that is,
Speaker 1: perchance myself, a little source in my head. All I'm
Speaker 1: saying is buckle up for learning here on the Run
Speaker 1: Burgundy podcast. My friend Carolina has been by my side
Speaker 1: the whole time, from my very first podcast, which we
Speaker 1: did seventeen years ago, I believe, and and she's learned
Speaker 1: ever so much listening to me talk. Say a few
Speaker 1: words so people know I'm not lying. How have you been? Oh,
Speaker 1: don't ask. Okay, never mind, I'm not gonna ask. My
Speaker 1: car got stolen with a with a lot of merchandise
Speaker 1: still in it. Are you serious? I'm so sorry. Well,
Speaker 1: the car will turn out, it always does. But there
Speaker 1: was a lot of merchandise. What kind of merchandise can't
Speaker 1: be specific, but mainly leather goods, women's accessories, for her
Speaker 1: and his pleasure leather accessories, brand name luxury items. I
Speaker 1: was planning to move, you know the game. Anyway, the
Speaker 1: thieves picked the perfect time of day, which leads me
Speaker 1: to believe they knew my business. They knew I was
Speaker 1: transporting a full shipment of merchandise. They waited until I
Speaker 1: left my car alone with the merchandise in it. I
Speaker 1: went into my favorite watering hole, and as long as
Speaker 1: it takes to throw back two or three midday cocktails,
Speaker 1: that was all the time they need TOD to jack
Speaker 1: my car. Did you call the police? I don't want
Speaker 1: to get the police involved. If if you get my drift. Yeah,
Speaker 1: once the merchandise hits the market, I'll be able to
Speaker 1: track down the thieves and then, plain and simple, it's
Speaker 1: hospital time. What are you talking about. You live in
Speaker 1: a fantasy world, Carolina. It's not all fuzzy socks and
Speaker 1: banana cream pies. God, I'd love to be as naive
Speaker 1: as you. It would be glorious. What joy? What ease? No,
Speaker 1: When you're a grown man, sometimes you have to to
Speaker 1: get down in the gutter where it smells like cheese
Speaker 1: and urine. Take care of business, TCB. I'll leave it
Speaker 1: at that. Suffice it to say, the car, the merchandise
Speaker 1: will come back to me. For now, it's a mystery. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to hear it. I really am. Oh I
Speaker 1: don't mind at all. I like good mystery, which brings
Speaker 1: us to today's podcast. Today, on the podcast, I'm going
Speaker 1: to treat my listeners to a very special Roun Burgundy mystery.
Speaker 1: Oh that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Oh,
Speaker 1: it will be a lot of fun. I've taken the
Speaker 1: time to write up an old fashioned radio mystery, something
Speaker 1: I've I've always wanted to do. It will give us
Speaker 1: both a chance to do some play acting and it
Speaker 1: should be a real nail biter. Radio mysteries were a
Speaker 1: big thing in the Burgundy household growing up. Really, when
Speaker 1: did you grow up then? Like the heavens No, but
Speaker 1: but remember I grew up very poor, with none of
Speaker 1: the advantages you've had. I didn't have a tube of
Speaker 1: chocolate ice cream running into my mouth all day long
Speaker 1: the way you did, Carolina. I didn't have your dry
Speaker 1: skin problem either. Oh, we could afford growing up was
Speaker 1: an old phil Co radio. Really, I don't I don't
Speaker 1: think that's true. Well, I could be lying. I do
Speaker 1: a lot of lying. You know, you know that it's
Speaker 1: it's good for the circulation of all doctors. Will it
Speaker 1: that a few lies a day will contribute to good
Speaker 1: heart health? You've heard that right? I haven't. No, it
Speaker 1: gets you excited, nervous. Will my wife discover my secret letters?
Speaker 1: Will the I R S find out my podcast is
Speaker 1: a front for money laundering? I mean, the medical community
Speaker 1: is divided and more research needs to be done, but
Speaker 1: it's basically been proven true lying is nice on the body.
Speaker 1: It's proven. Jesus, which woman? What are you? I mean
Speaker 1: you're catching every one of my lives today. I'm lying
Speaker 1: with great power and authority, and it's no match for
Speaker 1: your witchy powers. I give up. I just want to
Speaker 1: do a radio mystery our Okay, yes, it sounds fun.
Speaker 1: Let's do it. That's a spirit and without further ado
Speaker 1: you mystery music is a queuing Do we hear it? Carolina?
Speaker 1: Do you hear it? Is? It's good, it's mysterious, it's powerful,
Speaker 1: it's in the pocket, it's in the pocket. It's okay, Okay.
Speaker 1: My name is Round Burgundy. I walk a beat. The
Speaker 1: city is my beat, in the night is my mistress.
Speaker 1: She's a cold mistress, but one that I'll never escape,
Speaker 1: not until the last criminal is put away for good
Speaker 1: and the world can sleep without fear. They call me
Speaker 1: ron Burgundy Emphysis. The ron Burgundy Mystery Ally did that
Speaker 1: that was so hardcore? And then did the dramatic music.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like it was good? It's effective? Yes?
Speaker 1: Am I reading this? Spart do it? The ron Burgundy
Speaker 1: Mystery Hour is brought to you by Mr Gravelly Stay
Speaker 1: put hair Tonic. Gentlemen, have you ever been out with
Speaker 1: your gal and noticed your hair flops around like laundry
Speaker 1: in a windstorm. Well, Mr Gravelly's hair, stay put hair
Speaker 1: Tonic will hold down even the whispy teir, worry not.
Speaker 1: Your hair will stay put in a motor car on
Speaker 1: the lake, or even high atop the windiest bluff. You'll
Speaker 1: be safe everywhere with stay put hair, Mr Gravelly, Stay
Speaker 1: put hair. Brother, Carol, you gotta put some ump into that, Carolina.
Speaker 1: I worked hard on this, okay, sure right, And and
Speaker 1: that little thing you read that's gonna pay for all
Speaker 1: your American girl dolls. So I really need for you
Speaker 1: to come through for me. Okay, I mean they taught
Speaker 1: you acting at Colby College? Right? No, I didn't. I
Speaker 1: didn't go to Colby College. Yeah, yes you did. No
Speaker 1: go to Colgate. No? Did you go to Connecticut University
Speaker 1: of Connecticut? No? I went to Sarah Lawrence in New York.
Speaker 1: Did you go to Colorado? I know because I went
Speaker 1: to Sarah Lawrence in New York. Are you sure you
Speaker 1: didn't go to whatever it is? It's University of South
Speaker 1: Carolina in Colombia? Is there? Did you go to Columbia University?
Speaker 1: Can we move on? I swear you went to a
Speaker 1: college that started with a seat. Are you sure Sarah
Speaker 1: Lawrence isn't spelled with a sea like cedar? Are you
Speaker 1: thinking that I went to a college that started with
Speaker 1: a sea? Because my name is Carolina, that's what it
Speaker 1: must be, all right. I was sitting in my downtown
Speaker 1: office one night, legs up on the desk, enjoying a
Speaker 1: rare moment of serenity and a glass of Scotch, when
Speaker 1: my secretary, Carolina announced the arrival of a visitor in
Speaker 1: the waiting room. Mr Burgundy, there's a boy out here
Speaker 1: to see you. Oh that's better, Carolina, that's much better.
Speaker 1: A boy. I didn't know any boys maybe it was
Speaker 1: some college kid look going to beat a vice wrap. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe it was a dog dressed as a boy. Whoever
Speaker 1: it was, it was pretty late to be calling in
Speaker 1: on Ron Burgundy, right, send him in, Carolina. When the
Speaker 1: door opened, I was expecting to see a beautiful woman
Speaker 1: with long, fluttering eyelashes and longer legs, but Carolina wasn't. Lying.
Speaker 1: There before me was a small boy dressed in shorts
Speaker 1: and a T shirt with a ball cap hiding half
Speaker 1: his face in shadow. He fidgeted nervously with his baseball
Speaker 1: glove and hand and untied sneakers. Then he spoke, Mr Burgundy,
Speaker 1: my name is Timmy Jones and I need your help.
Speaker 1: Holy sh Carolina, that was amazing. I'm not just saying it.
Speaker 1: It's like there was a little boy here in the
Speaker 1: studio with us. Bravo, Carolina. Okay, sorry, let's keep going.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Kobe taught you. Well, Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: how could I help you? Small boy? I just gotta
Speaker 1: find my dog, Mr Burgundy, Can you help me find
Speaker 1: my dog? His name is Peanut Butter and he's the
Speaker 1: best dog in the whole world. Wow, Carolina, I didn't
Speaker 1: know you had this. Next level unbelievable acting. Wow, thank you, Gosh.
Speaker 1: I like you more is Timmy Jones as yourself? Okay,
Speaker 1: give me that line again. I need to up my game.
Speaker 1: I just gotta find my dog. Mr Burgundy. Can you
Speaker 1: help me find my dog? His name is Peanut Butter
Speaker 1: and he's the best dog in the whole world. Well, Timmy,
Speaker 1: I don't usually take on missing dog cases. What have
Speaker 1: you got to pay me? I'm not cheap. I got
Speaker 1: my allowance it's a dollar forty three, and I got
Speaker 1: my bottle cap collection and two comic books. I couldn't
Speaker 1: help finding little Timmy adorable. He had poured his pocket
Speaker 1: change life savings out on my desk and a bag
Speaker 1: of bottle caps his payment for my services. It was
Speaker 1: hard to say no, but first I needed to be
Speaker 1: straight with this boy. Let me ask you this, Timmy,
Speaker 1: Are you prepared for the worst. Dog cases don't always
Speaker 1: go the way we want them to, and I just
Speaker 1: want to play it straight with you. What do you mean,
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy? Call me ron Timmy? Okay one, Nope, Nope,
Speaker 1: that that sounded weird. To keep it formal, here's the deal, Timmy.
Speaker 1: Most dogs that go missing in this town are usually
Speaker 1: eaten either by other dogs or birds, or they're shot
Speaker 1: in the head and sold to steakhouses. I don't believe it. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe not the bird part, but I've eaten dog at
Speaker 1: a steakhouse before. Chancellor's Steakhouse over on Whitby Street had
Speaker 1: a dog steak on the menu for years before they
Speaker 1: had to start calling it mock steak, so you can
Speaker 1: believe it. A lot of dogs are killed for sport.
Speaker 1: Maybe your dog, peanut Butter was just shot and crawled
Speaker 1: off down a sewer drain to die. Huh do you
Speaker 1: think that's what happened, buddy, little boy? But I saw
Speaker 1: them I saw them wrong. Two men in a gray
Speaker 1: van pulled up outside my house and snatched peanut Butter. Oh,
Speaker 1: Peanut Butter. Well, well, well, okay, okay, don't cry a
Speaker 1: little boy. Stop Carolina, Stop Timmy, I'll find your dog.
Speaker 1: But what did I say about calling me wrong? It's
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy? Okay, okay, thanks Mr Burgundy. Side note, I
Speaker 1: could have only dreamed I'd get a reading like this. Carolina.
Speaker 1: You are a natural things. I feel like I'm kind
Speaker 1: of getting into the character, and believe me, you are.
Speaker 1: I can feel the heat coming off your performance. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Timmy is as real to me as I imagined him.
Speaker 1: It doesn't even sound like you. You've got a gray
Speaker 1: instrument there, lady. Okay, don't abuse it. Okay, wait, where
Speaker 1: where were we? You took the case right? I put
Speaker 1: Timmy's change in my pocket and stored the bottle caps
Speaker 1: in my safe. I quickly showed him out of the
Speaker 1: office so I could get down to business. If I
Speaker 1: was going to find his dog, peanut Butter, I would
Speaker 1: have to act fast. I grabbed Carolina and we headed
Speaker 1: down to Chancellor's Steakhouse so I could talk to the proprietor,
Speaker 1: Giuseppe Italiano. Ah, I missed that bag, Andy. What a
Speaker 1: delight it is to see you. Look at will you
Speaker 1: be having their mock steak at tonight? No, thanks you, seppy.
Speaker 1: I'm here on official business. Oh oh, what kind of business.
Speaker 1: I was wondering if you've seen this dog in your kitchen?
Speaker 1: I showed him a picture of Peanut Butter. He looked
Speaker 1: at it for a long time, and then he spoke, Oh, no,
Speaker 1: you don't look are familiar to me, Mr Burgundy. I
Speaker 1: think I would remember a dog like this. It's a
Speaker 1: dog would make a fine misteak. Huh, I wonder if
Speaker 1: I might talk to one of your dog suppliers, Mr Burgundy.
Speaker 1: You I know I can't tell you who supplies my dogs. Wrong,
Speaker 1: answered Giuseppe. Ah ah ah, you watch it right there
Speaker 1: you go, gi Seppi, How does that feel? Here comes
Speaker 1: one spicy meatball. Giuseppe. I moved in with an uppercut
Speaker 1: to Geppi's bread basket, followed by a left cross. He
Speaker 1: went down like a plate of delicious homemades. Begain. He
Speaker 1: came back up at me with a right crust and
Speaker 1: caught me off guard and sent me into a rapid dishes.
Speaker 1: I quickly grabbed the lopster pocket and swung it at
Speaker 1: that fat little Italian's face, but he was too swift.
Speaker 1: He threw a cast iron enameled Dutch oven at me
Speaker 1: a crusade or maybe a stop. But knowing Giuseppe, I
Speaker 1: knew it wasn't a knockoff brand. No, no no, this was
Speaker 1: a high quality enamel cast iron pot. It clonged off
Speaker 1: my head like a buicless saber hitting a tuba player.
Speaker 1: I was dizzy for a second, and that's when Carolina
Speaker 1: jumped in with a quick kick to a nuts Then
Speaker 1: she continued on not one or two, but repeated kicks
Speaker 1: to Giuseppe's nutsack, until finally she put the Italian on
Speaker 1: the ground for good. I drove home one more hard
Speaker 1: leather shoe to his face, and that's when he cried.
Speaker 1: Giuseppe got most of his dogs from a man named
Speaker 1: Jorgan Poulter. Snatch, Carolina, and I jumped in my helicopter
Speaker 1: and flew up to Redondo, each, California to pay this
Speaker 1: Mr Poulter snatch a busy. You handled yourself pretty well
Speaker 1: back there, Carolina, Thanks brawn. It's just when I was
Speaker 1: a child, someone stole my dog, so I know how
Speaker 1: little Timmy feels. Well where well, I can tell she
Speaker 1: was pretty broken up all over this dog napping business.
Speaker 1: The wonderful snowball fight we call life can look pretty
Speaker 1: good until someone throws an ice ball at your face
Speaker 1: and breaks your nose. Carolina was broken, but if I
Speaker 1: knew her, she wasn't done yet. Well. Well, well, here,
Speaker 1: a classy gentleman always carries a handkerchief. Go ahead, blow
Speaker 1: your nose sidebar once again, Carolina. I would swear to God,
Speaker 1: you are really crying, truly, amazing acting things. Truly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's whatever. I am blown away. Gosh. We flew up
Speaker 1: to Redondo Beach and I set the chopper down on
Speaker 1: the old wharf. We knew that Jorgan Poulter snatch frequented
Speaker 1: an old fisherman's bar called the Halliban House at the
Speaker 1: end of Pier forty six. We were hoping to find
Speaker 1: him there. There was a long walk down that pier. Gee,
Speaker 1: sh Ron, it's a long walk to this old fisherman's bar.
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I should have landed the helicopter
Speaker 1: right next to the bar, but I didn't how much further.
Speaker 1: I don't usually wear eight inch spike heels, but I
Speaker 1: didn't think i'd be walking so far. It's just up
Speaker 1: a ways at the end of the pier. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what, Let me whistle a little bit. That should
Speaker 1: take our minds off of all this walking. Is that
Speaker 1: the bar over there? That's it? Maybe you should stay outside, Carolina.
Speaker 1: This ain't no place for a lady, even a little
Speaker 1: tart like you deserve some dignity. Hey, Ron, in real life,
Speaker 1: talk about that later. It's just a line from a
Speaker 1: radio play that you row, Ron. I'm going into the
Speaker 1: bar now well, the Haliban House was all it was
Speaker 1: advertised to be a hard drinking gin mill for war
Speaker 1: frats and fishermen. We shoved our way through the rowdy
Speaker 1: crowd and made our way to a man with a
Speaker 1: Polynesian face stattoo. It's also the bartender. I got right
Speaker 1: down to business. Hey, Barkie, I'm looking for a man
Speaker 1: named Organ Poulter Klein Walter Snatch, Yes, Poulter Snatch. Have
Speaker 1: you seen him here tonight? Organ, you don't come around
Speaker 1: you unbelievable. You really lose yourself in these characters. It's
Speaker 1: it's really nothing, and it's trust goodness camp just lovely
Speaker 1: to watch. I don't know nothing about no Organ older Snatch.
Speaker 1: I could tell the bartender was lying as he snuck
Speaker 1: a peek to a door leading to a back room.
Speaker 1: Carolina and I headed towards the door. Hey, don't go
Speaker 1: into that room back there. But it was too late.
Speaker 1: We kicked in the door, and sitting at a table
Speaker 1: with four other disreputable characters was none other than Jorgan
Speaker 1: Polton Stein wrote this, hold it right there, Jorgan, don't
Speaker 1: anyone move. Jorgan made a dash for the window. He
Speaker 1: snatched the glass and headed outside for the peak. The
Speaker 1: other rough guys went to work on Carolina, punching and
Speaker 1: beating her sentence. But I could see she gave as
Speaker 1: good as she got. I couldn't let Yorgan get away,
Speaker 1: so I took off running after him, and left Carolina
Speaker 1: with the other to the earth those the chase was on.
Speaker 1: Jorgan was fast and I was faster. I don't like
Speaker 1: to brag, but I can run an eight six yard dash,
Speaker 1: which technically is the fastest time in the world. I've
Speaker 1: never run professionally, of course, I'm not interested in that.
Speaker 1: The gold medals and the glory mean nothing to me.
Speaker 1: I'm a detective. We detectives are a rare breed. We
Speaker 1: live for justice and dames, Dames with long legs and
Speaker 1: a tall glass of Scotch, and loyalty and and what else. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not important, it's fine. I caught up to Jurgen
Speaker 1: and put my foot through his small butt hole that
Speaker 1: stopped him dead in his tracks. Ya you hurt my bottle.
Speaker 1: I'll stick this foot up there further if you don't
Speaker 1: tell me what you did with this dog. I showed
Speaker 1: him the picture of Timmy's dog Peanut. Butter. Stop. Oh doc,
Speaker 1: my butt is hurting. Talk. Oh you really hurt my butt?
Speaker 1: Can we move on from the butt thing. I'll hurt
Speaker 1: it a lot more if you don't start squawking. No,
Speaker 1: I think this is a powerful Okay, it's a lot
Speaker 1: about his butt hole. Okay, okay, I'll stole the dog,
Speaker 1: but I don't have it anymore. I was tired of
Speaker 1: using muscle on so I gave him a twenty dollar bill.
Speaker 1: As you all know, I don't like violence. He was
Speaker 1: happy to have the twenty Now we talked freely, not
Speaker 1: just about his dog stealing racket, but also his hopes
Speaker 1: and dreams cancel culture maple syrup as a sweetener. Honestly,
Speaker 1: it felt good to be out there on that pier
Speaker 1: with another man I could be open with. I told
Speaker 1: him about the rough time I was going through with
Speaker 1: my wife, well not my wife, but my doctor's wife.
Speaker 1: I told him about my silly dreams of one day
Speaker 1: owning and operating a forklift machine, and he confessed to
Speaker 1: me his desire to be a cabaret singer in far
Speaker 1: off Gay Perry. We talked for hours, Yorgan and I,
Speaker 1: and he finally told me what I wanted to know.
Speaker 1: He said he had sold peanut Butter through a dog
Speaker 1: wrangler up in Los Angeles. Usually the dogs get used
Speaker 1: for the entertainment industry, like for movies and commercials, but
Speaker 1: some of the less trainable ones went to porn and
Speaker 1: backyard fighting. Little peanut Butter seemed like, oh whimpy little fella,
Speaker 1: so I couldn't see him in the fight game. But
Speaker 1: who the heck knows? I once saw a chihuahua fight
Speaker 1: a grizzly baron win. Of course, that was back when
Speaker 1: dog on bear fights were legal and you could follow
Speaker 1: the fights on the radio. Anyway, I'm getting away from
Speaker 1: the mystery. Let's see. Oh yeah, so Jorgan snortle hum
Speaker 1: I were now best friends and having a blast. That's
Speaker 1: when Carolina limped over like some kind of pirate ogre
Speaker 1: with a wooden leg. Can we be a little more generous?
Speaker 1: She was holding a shotgun and she had been beaten
Speaker 1: up pretty bad. One of her eyes was hanging out
Speaker 1: of the socket like a tether ball. Jesus, but she
Speaker 1: managed to grab a shotgun off of one of her attackers,
Speaker 1: and she put holes through all of them. The blood
Speaker 1: ran like a river through the Haliban house, and now
Speaker 1: standing before me, all savage looking and soaked in blood
Speaker 1: and guts, was Carolina. She leveled the gun at Jorgan
Speaker 1: Pelt and snuckle Snatch come on and sprayed his face
Speaker 1: with lead. Organ dropped dead on the spot. I shouted,
Speaker 1: but it was too late. The good part is I
Speaker 1: had the info I needed Carolina, and I hailed a
Speaker 1: cab and headed off into the night. The next morning,
Speaker 1: I reported my findings to little Timmy Jones. Then Timmy said, gosh,
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy, so you're saying my dog, peanut Butter was
Speaker 1: stolen by a man named Jorgen Bottle Snatch, and then
Speaker 1: he sulded Carolina hit the name right, it's you wrote this.
Speaker 1: It's Poulter Snatch. I know that. And then he sold
Speaker 1: him to a dog pornography outfit. Well, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of places your dog could end up, but porn is
Speaker 1: definitely an Put it this way. A lot of dogs
Speaker 1: get off the bus in Hollywood with hopes of making
Speaker 1: it on the silver screen, but they end up hustling
Speaker 1: for tricks and making two reelers for dog food. Not
Speaker 1: saying that that's the only place little peanut Butter could
Speaker 1: end up. But we have to consider the real possibility
Speaker 1: that your dog will be forced into a life of
Speaker 1: sex work. I mean, maybe some of it was willing
Speaker 1: not trying to shame any sex workers, and I'm I'm
Speaker 1: certainly not trying to shame any dogs that know a
Speaker 1: few tricks. Anyway, Little buddy, now you know what happened
Speaker 1: to your dog? Well, ain't you gonna rescue him? Mr Burgundy?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Dogs that get into that line of
Speaker 1: work aren't much good as house bets. Maybe get a
Speaker 1: new dog, huh jee, Mr Burgundy. I loved peanut butter shot. Okay,
Speaker 1: what have you got his payment? Buddy? I'm all out
Speaker 1: of cash, but I got this old baseball cod my
Speaker 1: grandfather gave me. I know it ain't worth much, but
Speaker 1: maybe it's something he handed me in original nine two
Speaker 1: tops Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card worth over five million dollars.
Speaker 1: I had to play this one cool. My hands were
Speaker 1: shaking when I said, uh, this whole thing, this thing
Speaker 1: ain't worth nothing. Gosh, look at the scratches on this thing.
Speaker 1: Oh jee, Mr Burgundy. But just as he was about
Speaker 1: to take it back, I pretended to be a good guy.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what, Timmy, I'll take this worthless card
Speaker 1: that has no value and can't be traded in for
Speaker 1: a lot of money because it's worthless, and I'll go
Speaker 1: rescue your dog because you love him. Gee. Thanks, Mr Burgundy. Say,
Speaker 1: did your grandfather give you any more baseball cards by
Speaker 1: any chance? No, just that worthless one you've got in
Speaker 1: your hands. He gave me some dumb old watch. Some
Speaker 1: guy named Paul Newman owned here. Well, looky here a
Speaker 1: Paul Newman Daytona Rolex watch. Yep, you're right, Timmy, this
Speaker 1: sure is dumb and worthless. I'll take this and donate
Speaker 1: it to charity in honor of your grandfather, and I'll
Speaker 1: get you your dog back. Don't you worry. But but
Speaker 1: I got nothing of value to give you. Heck, Timmy,
Speaker 1: you've given me a restored sense of all that's right
Speaker 1: and honorable in the world. I'll get the hell out
Speaker 1: of my office. Carolina, Carolina, get in here at once.
Speaker 1: What is it, Ron? That kid just handed me over
Speaker 1: ten million dollars in collectibles like he was high on LSD.
Speaker 1: We got to come up with his dog, or at
Speaker 1: least a look alike to ensure he don't come snooping
Speaker 1: around looking for this stuff again, Ron, taking advantage of
Speaker 1: a little kid. How could you? You don't know for
Speaker 1: sure he's a kid. The facts aren't in. He might
Speaker 1: be a grown man and one of those kid costumes
Speaker 1: you see these days. Ron Jrgans Said he's sold the
Speaker 1: dog to a dog wrangler working out of a house
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. Get your ass kicking boots on, Carolina.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go to Los Angeles and find that dog.
Speaker 1: The ride up to Los Angeles was quiet, intense. Carolina
Speaker 1: was still pretty sore at me for taking advantage of
Speaker 1: little Timmy Jones. But the way I figured it, he
Speaker 1: didn't know that rolex and the baseball card had any value.
Speaker 1: He handed me the baseball card and said it was
Speaker 1: worthless his loss my gain. That sucker was worth easily
Speaker 1: five mill and I wasn't gonna stand by and let
Speaker 1: that kind of cabbage walk out the door. The Rolex
Speaker 1: was an extra couple of million, and that was gonna
Speaker 1: be tough to decide what I would do with it.
Speaker 1: Do I wear it around to make sure everyone knows
Speaker 1: I'm Ron Burgundy and I'm a huge deal, or do
Speaker 1: I cash it in and get up with the best
Speaker 1: deep sea fishing equipment money can buy. That and of
Speaker 1: things plagued me on the drive up to Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: so I I really couldn't care too much that Carolina
Speaker 1: was on the rag. My heart is going to sue
Speaker 1: you if you keep talking about me being on my period. Um,
Speaker 1: do you think we'll find Timmy Jones's dog, Peanut Butter?
Speaker 1: Ron hard to say, Carolina. The dog wrangling industry is
Speaker 1: a nefarious and multi pronged operation. It's greasy tentacles reach
Speaker 1: into every facet of our lives. Peanut Butter is well
Speaker 1: on his way to being in that sordid world now,
Speaker 1: and all we can hope for is we aren't too
Speaker 1: late to save him. When we got to Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: we drove over to where Jurgen said he dropped off
Speaker 1: Peanut Butter. I set Carolina up with a fake idea,
Speaker 1: claiming she worked for the National Dog Association, and gave
Speaker 1: her a fake story to throw it. Whoever answered the door?
Speaker 1: I watched carefully from the car as she approached. I
Speaker 1: could see a small Mexican woman answer the door. Hello,
Speaker 1: can I help you? My name's Trixie Smore. I'm from
Speaker 1: the National Dog Association. We'd like to give you an
Speaker 1: award for having the best dogs. My plan was working
Speaker 1: like a charm. Carolina had completely fooled the woman at
Speaker 1: the door. One second though, I want to get this right.
Speaker 1: She's a she's a Mexican born woman. So give some
Speaker 1: authentic Mexican sounding English when you do that. Okay, Carolina,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that wrong. Wait, why it's wrong.
Speaker 1: If you want someone authentic to play Carlita Valdez, then
Speaker 1: you'll have to hire a Mexican American actress. I don't
Speaker 1: know what you could just do the voice. We all
Speaker 1: know how to speak like first generation Mexicans. It's it's
Speaker 1: southern California for god me. Well, how about that Ron Burgundy?
Speaker 1: They're racist? What what about what I played Giuseppe with
Speaker 1: the Italian accident? Was that racist? Not great? No, I'm learning, Carolina.
Speaker 1: The world is spinning faster than an LG High Efficiency
Speaker 1: stackable front load washer with one touch easy Care Technology.
Speaker 1: LG the best name for all your washing needs. See
Speaker 1: how I I threw that in natural like it's a
Speaker 1: lot of money under the table for advertising. Now it's
Speaker 1: up to our subpart producers to go chase down that
Speaker 1: money so we can get paid anyway. Carolina, I do
Speaker 1: appreciate when you point out how the world is moving
Speaker 1: on from our old habits and towards a brighter future.
Speaker 1: I do think the world is changing for the better.
Speaker 1: Not cars or clothing, or aftershave or stereo equipment or
Speaker 1: scotch or grooming, but in every other way, the world
Speaker 1: is changing for the better. I thank you, Carolina for
Speaker 1: reminding me it's not my world, it's your world, and
Speaker 1: it's a better place. Except for the clothing thing I mentioned.
Speaker 1: And flooring. Flooring isn't what it used to be. Plush
Speaker 1: carpeting is king when I was in my pride. Now
Speaker 1: it's taken a backseat almost every other kind of flooring.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm getting off track here, far far
Speaker 1: away from our story. Where where were we? I was
Speaker 1: knocking on the front door of a suspected dog wrangler,
Speaker 1: and a nice woman, you wrote as Carlita Valdez answered
Speaker 1: the door. A great continue on. We'll just say her
Speaker 1: name is woman number one. Back to the mystery. Hello,
Speaker 1: how may I help you? My name is Trixie s'moret
Speaker 1: from the National Dog Association we'd like to give you
Speaker 1: an award for the best dogs. I could see. The
Speaker 1: woman at the door was suspicious. She looked fidgety and frightened. Dogs.
Speaker 1: We don't have any dogs here. Leave me alone, there
Speaker 1: are no dogs here. She tried to shut the door,
Speaker 1: but Carolina was too fast. She shoved her boot inside
Speaker 1: the house as the door was closing, and then she
Speaker 1: pushed her way in. She still had that mucus covered
Speaker 1: eyeball hanging out of her socket. I could hear people running,
Speaker 1: dogs barking. That's when I sprang into act. I ran
Speaker 1: for the backyard, which meant getting over an eight foot fence.
Speaker 1: But luckily I found an old bamboo pole lying around,
Speaker 1: and I vaulted the fence with ease and clearing the
Speaker 1: top by at least two feet, much like Don Bragg
Speaker 1: in the nineteen sixty Summer Olympics. What a reference. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I landed in the backyard only to find more than
Speaker 1: a thousand dogs tight up. A group of men were
Speaker 1: waiting to give me the business with picks and hammers
Speaker 1: and chains, so I had to react fast. I brought
Speaker 1: a thundering right hook down on the first man that
Speaker 1: came at me. He crumpled to the ground like an
Speaker 1: old accordion. And then the next man came at me
Speaker 1: with a chain, but I dodged left and got my
Speaker 1: hand around enough chain to yank the poor sucker right
Speaker 1: into a left book. The next guy came at me.
Speaker 1: I was beginning to wonder why they didn't attack me
Speaker 1: all at once, which I suggested to them, but they
Speaker 1: said they lived by the code of the dog Wrangler
Speaker 1: and they could only fight mono imano, which I respected.
Speaker 1: Just as I was about to knock out the third guy,
Speaker 1: Carolina busted into the backyard. Somewhere in the house, she
Speaker 1: found an old nineteen thirties Tommy gun and she sprayed
Speaker 1: the yard with lead. Carolina, Carolina, stop stop, Carolina, listen
Speaker 1: to me. Stop stop shooting. Everyone is dead. You have
Speaker 1: killed all the bad guys. You can't stop now. Okay,
Speaker 1: please stop, Carolina, when do you think that next? Bullets?
Speaker 1: Spa spa. Finally she ran out of bullets. Bodies were everywhere.
Speaker 1: I could tell. Carolina was visibly shaken. She wasn't used
Speaker 1: to killing that many men, not like me. I went
Speaker 1: to her, It's okay, they're there. You did good, Carolina.
Speaker 1: Let me see, there must be twenty six guys here
Speaker 1: and you killed them all. That's a high body count.
Speaker 1: Maybe you should get some therapy down the road. This
Speaker 1: is going to come back to haunt you. I bet
Speaker 1: there were a few innocent guys in the bunch too,
Speaker 1: There always are. But you did good. Hey, I know
Speaker 1: what'll cheer you up. Let's let's let these dogs go.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you, folks, when we opened up those cages,
Speaker 1: it was a bear dogs pouring out, jumping around, sniffing butts.
Speaker 1: It was a huge party. I've never seen happier dogs
Speaker 1: in my life. There must have been a thousand dogs
Speaker 1: locked up back there, and we let them all go.
Speaker 1: One of the last to be set free was none
Speaker 1: other than Timmy Jones little dog Peanut. But he came
Speaker 1: up to us wagging his tail and barking like Christmas morning,
Speaker 1: and our hearts melted on the spot. I thought for
Speaker 1: one second that maybe I'd steal peanut butter and just
Speaker 1: till Timmy Jones. I never found him. The Caroline is
Speaker 1: a real pill, and she would have told on me,
Speaker 1: so I couldn't. Also, I'm a detective. My name is
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy, and I walk a beat and this has
Speaker 1: been the Ron Burgundy Mystery Hour. So so what did
Speaker 1: you think, um of what just happened? That was pretty hardcore.
Speaker 1: That's what I thought too. Do you mind getting it
Speaker 1: into Tarantino's hands, and if not his hands, maybe maybe
Speaker 1: his suit jacket, maybe his car. You know what, get
Speaker 1: this podcast recording next to Tarantino's bed while he's sleeping
Speaker 1: and wake him up, introduce yourself and bang a banga bago.
Speaker 1: So I think we should sit on this recording right,
Speaker 1: not really release it yet edited, think about some of
Speaker 1: the fight scenes, the carnage, my eyeball thing, I mean,
Speaker 1: I've thought about it a lot, and then we can
Speaker 1: talk to my heart actually, and then we can find
Speaker 1: out what version of this we we let out into
Speaker 1: the public. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna hold on
Speaker 1: to it. I won't release it until you think it's ready.
Speaker 1: I watched her dumb face while I lied like a
Speaker 1: Russian spy. Her dumb eyeball was back in its socket,
Speaker 1: and I was a millionaire. Ron. I'm listening. I'm looking
Speaker 1: at you. I'm listening to this. Quentin, wake up five