Montage of Voices: It's easier said than done, but yeah, get help. Listen to your family and friends.
Montage of Voices: Listen to professionals, I guess, cause not everyone has good
Montage of Voices: family and friends. Getting through day to day life. Being a friendly person. I'm not religious, but
Montage of Voices: do unto others what you want others to do unto you, whatever.
Montage of Voices: I think that's I think that's a good a good
Montage of Voices: way of thinking either way. I accomplished finishing my bachelor's degree,
Montage of Voices: which took me 10 years, and I accomplished my very
Montage of Voices: first scholarship from the B.S. Schizophrenic Society, I'm developing my
Montage of Voices: own business plan for motivational speaking, and I'm happy with
Montage of Voices: the progress I've made. I wrote two books, three books, actually,
Montage of Voices: and two of them I have published now. Last year
Montage of Voices: I took Japanese for a year in university and I got
Montage of Voices: an A plus the first semester, I got an A, the second semester.
Montage of Voices: A lot of us get caught up in social media or, like,
Montage of Voices: viewing what other people have accomplished and then comparing ourselves.
Montage of Voices: I think it's just better to reflect what works best
Montage of Voices: for you, where you're at in that moment and just
Montage of Voices: being present in the moment.
Faydra Aldridge: You're listening to Look Again, Mental Illness Re-examined, a podcast
Faydra Aldridge: brought to you by the BC Schizophrenia Society and other B.C.
Faydra Aldridge: partner organizations. I'm Faydra Aldridge, and those were some of the
Faydra Aldridge: voices from our panel made up of people living with
Faydra Aldridge: serious mental illness, talking about some pretty amazing accomplishments. Today's
Faydra Aldridge: episode is all about hope. And when I think about hopefulness,
Faydra Aldridge: one of the very first people I think about is
Faydra Aldridge: Erin Hawkes Emiru . Erin has a Masters in neuroscience. She's a mom
Faydra Aldridge: to a young daughter, a wife and a friend to many.
Faydra Aldridge: She's a mental health peer support worker here in Vancouver,
Faydra Aldridge: British Columbia, Canada. Erin has previously been awarded the very
Faydra Aldridge: prestigious Courage to Come Back award in the mental health
Faydra Aldridge: category and is a published author of not one, but
Faydra Aldridge: two books. The latest book is called When Neurons Tell Stories:
Faydra Aldridge: A Layman's Guide to the Neuroscience of Mental Illness and Health.
Faydra Aldridge: But life has not always been easy, because in addition
Faydra Aldridge: to all of the above, Erin has schizophrenia and her
Faydra Aldridge: journey with it has been an especially difficult one. She's
Faydra Aldridge: been put on eight different psychoactive medications, undergone 14 mental
Faydra Aldridge: health hospitalizations, survived two abusive relationships, and is seeing more
Faydra Aldridge: psychiatrists than one can count. And yet, despite decades of
Faydra Aldridge: internal and external strife, Erin is thriving. Now, parts of
Faydra Aldridge: today's conversation with Erin will be difficult since we're going
Faydra Aldridge: back to the beginning to when she first started experiencing
Faydra Aldridge: problems with schizophrenia and attempted suicide. Erin, I'm just so
Faydra Aldridge: happy and so honoured to get the opportunity to speak
Faydra Aldridge: with you today. Thank you so much for joining us.
Faydra Aldridge: We look forward to hearing your story. Welcome to Look Again.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Thank you.
Faydra Aldridge: So, Erin, I just rattled off -- we'll call them the "greatest hits" of your
Faydra Aldridge: journey with Schizophrenia. But let's start at the beginning. How
Faydra Aldridge: did your illness manifest itself?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: When I was really little, it was like having a
Erin Hawkes Emiru: little extra friend. When I was in elementary school, I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: would at recess play games with the voices that I heard.
Faydra Aldridge: Did your family notice anything at that point, Erin?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: No, I just know it from little things. Like I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: can remember when driving in the car, I could hear
Erin Hawkes Emiru: classical music coming from the trunk. And I remember asking
Erin Hawkes Emiru: my mom to turn the radio up because I liked it.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: And she said, and the radio's not on. So just
Erin Hawkes Emiru: little things like that that no one really pays attention
Erin Hawkes Emiru: to until in retrospect, you look back. And not only
Erin Hawkes Emiru: did the radio not be on, I also know that
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Chevettes don't have speakers in the trunk.
Faydra Aldridge: And when did your illness become a problem
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Uh, late teens, early 20s
Faydra Aldridge: And what type of symptoms we're experiencing, Erin?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Really harsh comments about me. And it's what drove me
Erin Hawkes Emiru: to very serious suicide attempt when I was 21, 22.
Faydra Aldridge: And it breaks my heart to hear that you experienced
Faydra Aldridge: voices that were so awful to you and so harsh.
Faydra Aldridge: That you wanted to take your own life, can you
Faydra Aldridge: take us back to that point and what was going
Faydra Aldridge: through your mind and what the voices were telling you
Faydra Aldridge: just to just to paint a picture so people can
Faydra Aldridge: understand what schizophrenia truly is?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: They would give me sort of signs. I could be
Erin Hawkes Emiru: walking along the sidewalk and see some little piece of
Erin Hawkes Emiru: garbage and pick it up. But it had immense significance,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: like a little a little piece of wood in the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: shape of a cylinder, I said, "that's a bullet someone's
Erin Hawkes Emiru: going to shoot me." And then the voices, especially the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: day that I tried to hang myself, they they were
Erin Hawkes Emiru: just yelling at me to do it.
Faydra Aldridge: So what did you do, Erin?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: When I started to lose sight, like when my vision
Erin Hawkes Emiru: was going blurry, I just sort of had this vision
Erin Hawkes Emiru: of me, watching me. And then that girl watching me said,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: don't do this. It's not what you want. It's what
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the voices want, but it's not what you want.
Faydra Aldridge: What did you do at that point?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I called a friend and he came over. He told
Erin Hawkes Emiru: me to go to student health the next day. I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: was at the time I was going to some classes
Erin Hawkes Emiru: at the university in Halifax. And so I went to
Erin Hawkes Emiru: a student psychological services or counselling services and asked to
Erin Hawkes Emiru: see someone as an emergency appointment that day. And they did.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: They made sure I had somewhere to go that night afterwards, so
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I spent the night at someone's house that I sort
Erin Hawkes Emiru: of knew, and they were willing to help me out.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: And then the next day I went to student health,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: not psychological counselling health, other health. And they got my
Erin Hawkes Emiru: friend to come get me and drive me to the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Nova Scotia Hospital, which is pretty much the Riverview of
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Nova Scotia. And that was the first time I was
Erin Hawkes Emiru: hospitalized for four months.
Faydra Aldridge: And while you were dealing with all of that, you
Faydra Aldridge: were still studying neuroscience. Now, that is sheer determination. What
Faydra Aldridge: kept you going?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I believe that if I can do this degree, I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: can do these classes. If I can keep doing that.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: And there's nothing wrong with me.
Faydra Aldridge: Schizophrenia is not who you are, it's what you have,
Faydra Aldridge: and it's an illness,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: As far as I'm concerned, the brain is an organ,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the heart is an organ. You can get heart disease. The
Erin Hawkes Emiru: lungs are an organ. You can get lung cancer. So
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the brain is an organ. We can have a disease.
Faydra Aldridge: So, Erin, as you know, the focus of our conversation
Faydra Aldridge: this week is hope. There are treatments that are scientifically
Faydra Aldridge: proven to work and there's lots of bright spots and
Faydra Aldridge: there have been many successes, but it's not always easy.
Faydra Aldridge: So now we're going to hear some thoughts from our
Faydra Aldridge: panel made up of family members talking about what they've
Faydra Aldridge: learned along their own journeys with mental illness.
Montage of Voices: Family is really important. You need an adv--, you need
Montage of Voices: someone to advocate for you, you just you have to
Montage of Voices: have someone behind you. I have to say, I spend
Montage of Voices: a lot of time learning of the mental illness and
Montage of Voices: what my sister is doing and not doing and taking
Montage of Voices: classes and participating in different activities. You're going to have
Montage of Voices: to be patient. You're going to have to learn to
Montage of Voices: love them through the hard times. You have to realize
Montage of Voices: that it's not themselves that is speaking. It's not their true personality.
Montage of Voices: There is no intent. They are ill. Even when things
Montage of Voices: are bad, they're doing the best they can. I'm in
Montage of Voices: a lucky position that I have a close relationship with
Montage of Voices: my son even still. And I know that's really tricky
Montage of Voices: to hold on to with Schizophrenia, and it feels... it just
Montage of Voices: feels good. You know, he's not the same person maybe
Montage of Voices: that I thought he was going to be when he was a baby or maybe
Montage of Voices: even the same person he was before he got diagnosed.
Montage of Voices: But he's still just this wonderful person that I love
Montage of Voices: so much. Uh, they're all living independently, we're in great
Montage of Voices: shape now. Actually, one is married for two years, is
Montage of Voices: an excellent husband. They're all working. They all have cars.
Montage of Voices: We're just very grateful today that we are where we are.
Montage of Voices: And our expectations in life are different than other people's.
Montage of Voices: There will be no lawyers, no doctors, but we have
Montage of Voices: great things happening with them. They're just different than what
Montage of Voices: other people have. It's hard because you run into a
Montage of Voices: lot of walls along the way and you have to
Montage of Voices: kind of keep keep trying. Keep trying.
Faydra Aldridge: So, Erin, we just heard from a bunch of families,
Faydra Aldridge: so in light of what we just heard, I want
Faydra Aldridge: to ask you now, what was it like for you
Faydra Aldridge: and your family when you were going through those very
Faydra Aldridge: hard times that you described earlier?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Pretty soon, following my discharged from hospital in the Nova
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Scotia hospital, I moved to Vancouver, B.C. to do my
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Masters at UBC. So the majority of my worst years
Erin Hawkes Emiru: were spent on the West Coast, whereas my parents lived
Erin Hawkes Emiru: where I grew up in New Brunswick. So really, there
Erin Hawkes Emiru: was there were phone calls, but when I would be ill,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I just had minimal interaction, didn't like talking to anyone. I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: didn't want to talk to them, really, which must have
Erin Hawkes Emiru: been so hard for them.
Faydra Aldridge: So what is your relationship like with your family?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: It's really good. I'm sure whenever someone has a baby
Erin Hawkes Emiru: and they're having a really good time of it, they think
Erin Hawkes Emiru: to thank their mom and dad a bit more for
Erin Hawkes Emiru: all that they did for them.
Faydra Aldridge: So now let's talk more about little Hannah and all
Faydra Aldridge: of the emotions you felt bringing a daughter into this
Faydra Aldridge: world
Erin Hawkes Emiru: It was always a hope. Hannah was very wanted, very waited for. Oh,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: she's just a delight. Like, they kids that I babysat in high school, like, I was
Erin Hawkes Emiru: really involved in their lives. I knew the grandparents and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the cousins and just spent a lot of time with them.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: So they were what made sure I didn't try to
Erin Hawkes Emiru: kill myself in high school. I just couldn't imagine someone
Erin Hawkes Emiru: telling five year olds, Erin's not coming over anymore.
Faydra Aldridge: What are you going to do differently with your daughter
Faydra Aldridge: surrounding mental illness and mental health discussions?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I mean, she'll learn pretty young that every morning and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: every night I take some medication. What always goes through
Erin Hawkes Emiru: my head is the one percent chance of getting Schizophrenia
Erin Hawkes Emiru: in the general population. And when you have a parent
Erin Hawkes Emiru: with Schizophrenia, it's 10 percent. And that just scares me. Yeah.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I just really can't go there right now.
Faydra Aldridge: So now being a mother and a partner and working
Faydra Aldridge: and having a young child, and now we throw in
Faydra Aldridge: a global pandemic as well as having Schizophrenia, how how
Faydra Aldridge: do you juggle all of these factors, Erin?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I tell people I live in Hannah bubble world. Last year,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: she was a "covid baby", but she was a baby, which
Erin Hawkes Emiru: means all my energy was taken up taking care of her.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: And I didn't notice the world events as much. They
Erin Hawkes Emiru: just weren't as immediate. Everyone says 2020 was the worst year,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: but for me, it was the best year of my life.
Faydra Aldridge: I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like to
Faydra Aldridge: live through covid-19 and have delusions and hallucinations. Can you
Faydra Aldridge: talk a little bit about that?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I mean, this year with her being born, I have never
Erin Hawkes Emiru: been so consistent with taking my medication. I could not
Erin Hawkes Emiru: bear to have to go through a hospitalization and not
Erin Hawkes Emiru: see her all day, every day. So I am so
Erin Hawkes Emiru: consistent with that. And what I'm on now, Loxapine and Abilify,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I've been on it for a number of years and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I know it works.
Faydra Aldridge: You're listening to Look Again, Mental Illness Re-examined, a podcast
Faydra Aldridge: brought to you by the BC Schizophrenia Society and Partner Organizations.
Faydra Aldridge: I'm your host, Faydra Aldridge. This podcast would not be possible
Faydra Aldridge: without the support of the entire community. From the bottom
Faydra Aldridge: of our hearts, we want to thank you for caring
Faydra Aldridge: about mental illness. Together, we truly can make a difference. Welcome
Faydra Aldridge: back to Look Again, Mental Illness Re-examined, I'm Faydra, thanks
Faydra Aldridge: for sticking with us. And here's where we left off.
Faydra Aldridge: I'm speaking with Erin Hawkes Emiru , a neuroscientist, a wife, a mom
Faydra Aldridge: who also lives with Schizophrenia. Erin, we were just talking
Faydra Aldridge: about the fact that you're a peer support worker with
Faydra Aldridge: the Vancouver Coastal Health Assertive Community Treatment, otherwise known as
Faydra Aldridge: the ACT team. You help people through mental health and
Faydra Aldridge: addiction challenges. Why is it so important for you to
Faydra Aldridge: give back in this way and for you to be
Faydra Aldridge: a part of the ACT team?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: It's so powerful to say to someone, "I know, I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: know what you're going through." And yes, my client and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I have vast differences in terms of socioeconomic status and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: type of symptoms and all that. So I can't say "I know"
Erin Hawkes Emiru: to everything in their lives. But some parts of it
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I can think, yeah, I know what that's like. And
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the responses have been really good so that's making a difference
Erin Hawkes Emiru: in their life.
Faydra Aldridge: As I mentioned earlier, you are a published author. Your
Faydra Aldridge: new book is called When Neurons Tell Stories: A Layman's
Faydra Aldridge: Guide to Mental Illness and Health. So for those of
Faydra Aldridge: us that haven't read your book yet, tell us a
Faydra Aldridge: little bit about it.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: The main thread is my client's stories of mental illness,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: but also mental health. And I'm just putting out there
Erin Hawkes Emiru: hypotheses about what might be going on in their brain
Erin Hawkes Emiru: or some of the literature behind different experiences. So I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: have very typical mental illness chapters like hallucinations and delusions, addictions, paranoia.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: But then I also talk about things that are about
Erin Hawkes Emiru: mental health, such as trust, like why do people trust
Erin Hawkes Emiru: me as a peer support worker? And what is trust in the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: neuroscience world? And things like spirituality that most people don't bring
Erin Hawkes Emiru: up with their clients because it's a touchy subject. But
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I found clients love talking about what they believe in
Erin Hawkes Emiru: and what they don't, and why. I even have a chapter on -- so
Erin Hawkes Emiru: many of my clients -- I always buy them a coffee.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: That's what they want. And so many of them take
Erin Hawkes Emiru: the coffee in the park so they can have a
Erin Hawkes Emiru: smoke at the same time. And there's neuroscience behind putting
Erin Hawkes Emiru: a cigarette and a coffee together. So it's a little
Erin Hawkes Emiru: bit of everything.
Faydra Aldridge: I read a quote that you once gave in an interview, Erin,
Faydra Aldridge: and I'm sure you talk about this in your books
Faydra Aldridge: as well. And you said, I don't like the word "recover"
Faydra Aldridge: because it's looking backwards." I have my own opinions on
Faydra Aldridge: that statement, but I would love to hear your thinking
Faydra Aldridge: behind that statement. So what did you mean when you
Faydra Aldridge: said that?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Recovery is trying to get, again, something you used to have.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: So my favourite analogy is weight. Even if I reach
Erin Hawkes Emiru: on the bathroom scale the weight before pregnancy, I've "recovered" my
Erin Hawkes Emiru: pre-Pregnancy weight, my body composition and shape in different places
Erin Hawkes Emiru: are different. I haven't really "recovered." So I like the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: word "discovery," which looks forward and says, OK, what do
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I have right now and what can I do with it?
Faydra Aldridge: So I asked, if you could go back in time
Faydra Aldridge: to your diagnosis way back when, did you ever think that you
Faydra Aldridge: would be where you are today?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Yes and no. Well, back then, I hoped to have
Erin Hawkes Emiru: four children that I loved -- having a little brood around me
Erin Hawkes Emiru: all the time. So I saw myself having a bigger family.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: But for a lot of reasons that didn't happen. I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: had to grieve not having a big family, but I
Erin Hawkes Emiru: got to rejoice in the one that I do have. And so
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I just pour everything into her.
Faydra Aldridge: What do you wish someone had said to you to
Faydra Aldridge: give you hope in your darkest times?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Just that there is hope would have been really powerful.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: To speak to my own support worker, if I'd had one,
Erin Hawkes Emiru: and to hear them say, you know, I went through
Erin Hawkes Emiru: really rough times, too. And yet there's hope, no matter
Erin Hawkes Emiru: how difficult. You'd have someone say, yes, it's hard, it's
Erin Hawkes Emiru: going to be hard, but there's hope.
Faydra Aldridge: And what does hope mean to you now?
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Because before she was born, I had one of the
Erin Hawkes Emiru: delusions I had was there were two main ones that
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I had. One was that I was going to set
Erin Hawkes Emiru: off a bomb somewhere, but it would be good because
Erin Hawkes Emiru: I would be the one sacrificed and saved many. And
Erin Hawkes Emiru: then I also believe that I should commit suicide, not
Erin Hawkes Emiru: because I was suicidal, but because I figured, well, there
Erin Hawkes Emiru: were six or seven already and I could donate and
Erin Hawkes Emiru: say six or seven lives for my one. That makes
Erin Hawkes Emiru: mathematical sense. But as soon as Hannah was born, like
Erin Hawkes Emiru: those just went away. Hannah needs a mom.
Faydra Aldridge: Erin, thank you so much for speaking with me today.
Faydra Aldridge: I think you are an incredible person. You are courageous
Faydra Aldridge: and brave and an inspiration for all of us, whether
Faydra Aldridge: we have Schizophrenia or not. You truly are an inspiration
Faydra Aldridge: for all of us. And I know that your story
Faydra Aldridge: is going to give people hope and dispel some of
Faydra Aldridge: the myths that are out there, because you are living
Faydra Aldridge: proof that, yes, you have schizophrenia. But more than that,
Faydra Aldridge: you're a mother, a wife, a scientist and an author
Faydra Aldridge: of two books. So you're living proof of of what
Faydra Aldridge: people with a serious mental illness can accomplish.
Erin Hawkes Emiru: Thank you for having me.
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