Speaker 1: Hello and welcome. Hello and welcome. This is the Ron
Speaker 1: Burgundy Podcast. My name is Ron. My name is Ron.
Speaker 1: This is an episode. I'm going to sing the entire episode.
Speaker 1: I'm going to sing. If you don't like my singing,
Speaker 1: then I suggest you turn this off. I will be
Speaker 1: singing for a long long time. I will not stop.
Speaker 1: I will not stop. Here with me is my co
Speaker 1: host and friend, Carolina. Oh Cara Lina. What a wonderful
Speaker 1: name to sing, Carol Lina, Oh Carolina, Carolina to lord
Speaker 1: rue Carolina, how are you? I'm I'm fine. Oh please
Speaker 1: sing it. It's fun to sing it. You really must,
Speaker 1: I insist. So, Carolina, how are you? I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: not going to sing, Yes you are. No, I'm not
Speaker 1: feeling like singing today. So every day is a sing
Speaker 1: song day? What are you talking about now? Sing? Run?
Speaker 1: I'm serious. I don't. I just don't want to sing.
Speaker 1: Can I just I understand? But what about just one word? Okay? No?
Speaker 1: Didn't that feel just wonderful? So blunderful and wonderful. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't hear you. You didn't sing your answers, so
Speaker 1: I didn't even hear you. I said, no. It's like
Speaker 1: we're in a Broadway musical. It's a musical. We're in
Speaker 1: a musical. Wouldn't you say no? I would not? You
Speaker 1: sing so well, it's like a dream come true. Stop.
Speaker 1: I don't want to sing, but you're doing it and
Speaker 1: it's fun. You have to admit it. You're singing and
Speaker 1: it's fun. And now you can't stop. I can't stop,
Speaker 1: and I will stop because I don't want to be
Speaker 1: singing at all. This is the last time you will
Speaker 1: hear me singing. What about Now? I'm done singing? And
Speaker 1: that was fun, But I think we need to get
Speaker 1: on with today's show without singing. What's today's show about?
Speaker 1: You said you wanted to talk about joy, how to
Speaker 1: feel joyful? Please just sing what you just said. I
Speaker 1: won't ask again, I promise, Okay, Um, you said you
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about joy. That is the true subject
Speaker 1: of the show is joy. It's an emotion that we
Speaker 1: all feel, but we never seem to get enough. Because no,
Speaker 1: we never seem to get enough, maybe because we are
Speaker 1: living in joyless times. Right run, If you could sing
Speaker 1: what you say, you would find a brand new day.
Speaker 1: Singing songs fill the heart. It's the way each day
Speaker 1: should start. When you sing, you clear the air, so
Speaker 1: there's nothing dirty there. Ask any little girl or boy.
Speaker 1: Singing brings the greatest joy. Wow, you actually sang a
Speaker 1: song one that I could sing along. Maybe I'll try
Speaker 1: singing to singing harmony under you. We shall sing a
Speaker 1: song together like two birds and sunny weather or shoes
Speaker 1: shall be heard on high perfect harmony. When we try
Speaker 1: too as one and one as two, the sound we
Speaker 1: make is something new. The song is sung without a
Speaker 1: hitch together. We have perfect bitch um. That was awful.
Speaker 1: We we sounded awful, so hideous, a little fun though, right,
Speaker 1: you know what. I never really admit this, but yeah
Speaker 1: I was. I'm in a better mood. And that's what
Speaker 1: singing is for. Okay, Okay, singing is done. And for
Speaker 1: those of you just tuning in, today's show is about joy. Okay,
Speaker 1: Ron And I've told you this for two years. People
Speaker 1: don't tune into podcasts. We're not on the radio, we're
Speaker 1: not live to set. I'll be honest with you. It's
Speaker 1: a tough concept for me to get my head around
Speaker 1: what you just explained, the podcast concept that there's not
Speaker 1: and that's that's one of many modern things in media
Speaker 1: that I'm just really having trouble getting a grasp of,
Speaker 1: Like the Peacock Network, I mean, what is that? Or
Speaker 1: HBO Max Strange, You're right, the paramount network. Don't CBS
Speaker 1: all access? I mean, what's going on here? Has everyone
Speaker 1: gone crazy? I mean I had access to CBS for
Speaker 1: fifty years. We had a deal. They gave me football,
Speaker 1: and I bought sampson I luggage. They gave me all
Speaker 1: in the family and I bought wheat things because Sandy
Speaker 1: Duncan told me to. That was our deal. Now CBS
Speaker 1: says no deal, and you have to belong to a
Speaker 1: gated community to even watch our shows. Sometimes the world
Speaker 1: feels like a mayor to go around spinning in a
Speaker 1: tornado that's ripping through a Walmart, cheap shoes and TV
Speaker 1: sets and buckets of paint flying everywhere while I'm holding
Speaker 1: onto my horsey for dear life. I know, Ron, it
Speaker 1: does actually feel like that. But let's try, and we'll
Speaker 1: just slow down a little and um just concentrate on
Speaker 1: today's show. I mean, there just seems like a bunch
Speaker 1: of superfluous stuff. Yeah, there's a lot, a lot of
Speaker 1: what do you say, content? Yeah, it's a content rich
Speaker 1: environment right now we live in there's a lot to
Speaker 1: look at wealth. Carolina, thank you for the steadying kind words.
Speaker 1: You're always the rock in the stormy waters of my brain.
Speaker 1: The concept of joy? What is joy? By the way,
Speaker 1: speaking of joy, are you familiar with that book The
Speaker 1: Joy of Sex? I've heard of it. Those drawings, Oh man, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's there's back in my day that was naked people
Speaker 1: doing things to each other. Oh boy. Anyway, concept of joy? So,
Speaker 1: the big question that academicians have been pondering for millenniums
Speaker 1: is what is joy? Is joy a person? I mean,
Speaker 1: I've known some joys that have given me great joy.
Speaker 1: Joy Carrol comes to mind. She was a lounge singer
Speaker 1: that I had a fling with. Fifteen years later, I
Speaker 1: hooked up with a professional woman named Carol Joy. How
Speaker 1: about that joy? Carrol and Carol Joy bookends. No, the
Speaker 1: kind of joy I'm talking about is not a person,
Speaker 1: even though both those joys gave me great joy below
Speaker 1: my belt. Yeah, and Nick, that'd be great if you
Speaker 1: could put a rim shot in there. Maybe we'll talk
Speaker 1: about it, right, I mean, in fact, let me redo
Speaker 1: the line. And Nick, you just lay in a rim shot.
Speaker 1: That's how good? Sure? Okay, h even though both joys
Speaker 1: gave me great joy below the belt. Yes, all right,
Speaker 1: people tuning in now are really going to love the show.
Speaker 1: What I'm talking about is that happy, spiritual feeling of
Speaker 1: being alive on earth. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone
Speaker 1: knows how to find it. Joy I'm talking about, I
Speaker 1: hear you, I do. I mean to be honest listening
Speaker 1: to you. And besides like the sound effects and any
Speaker 1: of that, I think this could be a really helpful
Speaker 1: episode of the podcast. I think everyone right now needs
Speaker 1: more joy in lives, and I think that maybe we could,
Speaker 1: you know, give some people some active tools to help them.
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell them how to get joy if
Speaker 1: you would just shut up, Okay, but first we need
Speaker 1: to understand what isn't bringing us joy? Right? So, yeah,
Speaker 1: the Flip Side exactly like to play a game with
Speaker 1: my dog Baxter from time to time where we throw
Speaker 1: the most plainly joyless sentences we can think of back
Speaker 1: and forth, regular sentences you might say that have no
Speaker 1: joy in them. It's it's a lot of fun and
Speaker 1: you can play at home to would you like to
Speaker 1: play Carolina? Yeah, I'll try it. Okay, give me a
Speaker 1: joyless sentence, you might say, or here in real life,
Speaker 1: let me think. Um, here's one. They're having a sale
Speaker 1: on tube socks at Nordstrum's rack. Oh that's good, that's
Speaker 1: awful and joyless. That's really good. Okay, how about this one.
Speaker 1: I'm on my way to the d MB. Terrible, Yes,
Speaker 1: the worst? Um, okay, what about this? My name is Carolina.
Speaker 1: That's c A R O L I N A. Oh. Yes.
Speaker 1: Spelling your name out for any reason is the opposite
Speaker 1: of joy. Here, here's one. Baxter always says they need
Speaker 1: to fix that hole in the road. How about I
Speaker 1: should try and learn Spanish. This bread got wet. The
Speaker 1: dripping noise is coming from under there. Have you seen
Speaker 1: the vacuum cleaner. Let's get on a zoom call at
Speaker 1: eight am. I need to remember to call the insurance company.
Speaker 1: This bottle is empty. I'm proud of my tofu salad.
Speaker 1: How much gas should I get? I need a new belt? Um,
Speaker 1: my cat just died. Hold the boat there, Carolina, you
Speaker 1: crossed the line. The game's no fun if you bring
Speaker 1: in sickness or death. Of course, that's going to be joyless.
Speaker 1: That that that kind of joylessness is just going to
Speaker 1: happen in life, and we call them tragedies. There's no
Speaker 1: joy in the tragic. What I'm talking about is the
Speaker 1: joylessness of everyday life. There's no joy in an eight
Speaker 1: am zoom call. There's no joy in buying tube socks
Speaker 1: at Nordstrom's rack, even if they are on sale and
Speaker 1: it's a great deal. Fortunately for science, I have composed
Speaker 1: a list of ten human behaviors that demonstrate you are
Speaker 1: not experiencing enough joy. If you are doing three or
Speaker 1: more of these things, then you need to stop and
Speaker 1: find some joy in life. So this is your list
Speaker 1: of behaviors that indicate you are living a joyless life. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: And I call it the Ron Burgundy Joy Indicator Meter List. Okay,
Speaker 1: so is it a meter or a list both? It's
Speaker 1: really just observations on behaviors I associate with joylessness. But
Speaker 1: I may need to publish it one day in the
Speaker 1: New England magazine of Science, so I need to call
Speaker 1: it a meter or a scale. And you is the
Speaker 1: word standard and study and laboratory. So you really think
Speaker 1: people are going to be interested in publishing this? Well,
Speaker 1: I just need to have the option and by using
Speaker 1: those words it allows me to be published in the
Speaker 1: New England magazine of Science. So these are ten behaviors
Speaker 1: that could mean you're experiencing no joy in life. Correct,
Speaker 1: and you can have one of them, are possibly two,
Speaker 1: but if you're guilty of three or more, you are
Speaker 1: probably a joyless person. Um, all right, well let's hear them.
Speaker 1: Please locate them for the audience. Start with behavior number one.
Speaker 1: You are a man over the age of thirty and
Speaker 1: you wear blue jean cutoffs more than four days a week.
Speaker 1: That's kind of strange because you would think someone relaxed
Speaker 1: enough to wear cut offs all week long would be
Speaker 1: a fairly joyful person. But there's a big difference between
Speaker 1: relaxed and lazy. You know, so sweatpants and blue jeans
Speaker 1: cutoffs are fine, and you're when you're lounging, although I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever been in a pair of blue jeans,
Speaker 1: much less a blue jeans short However, if you find
Speaker 1: yourself in church, or at a store that's not Walmart,
Speaker 1: or at work in blue jeans cutoffs, then you're a
Speaker 1: joyless person. Okay, Um, I don't think everyone will agree,
Speaker 1: but let's just move on. It's science, okay, so you
Speaker 1: can't agree or disagree with facts. Okay, it's an opinion.
Speaker 1: But yeah. Behavior number two, you're someone who still thinks
Speaker 1: you are getting amazing deals at Costco. I actually agree
Speaker 1: with this one. It's just huge crowds. It's like a
Speaker 1: joy less giant box of five dollar chickens and sea
Speaker 1: containers full of awful clothes. Just yeah, I agree. Let's
Speaker 1: go on. That haven't been said. Those five dollar cutlets
Speaker 1: you eat those a's A they make a mean cutlet.
Speaker 1: You're pan fried, a little olive oil, little salt. I
Speaker 1: know how to cook chicken. It's okay, anyway, yes, us
Speaker 1: go okay. Behavior number three. You watch more than two
Speaker 1: hours of news a day. I mean, it depends what's
Speaker 1: on the news, but sometimes I find myself watching the
Speaker 1: news all day. Then you should be careful to two
Speaker 1: more things, and you'll be scientifically proven to be a
Speaker 1: joyless person. Wait, but you're a news anchor, so how
Speaker 1: can you say this. It is precisely because I am
Speaker 1: a news anchor that I can tell you that too
Speaker 1: much news will make you joyless. That there was a
Speaker 1: world many years ago, maybe in a different galaxy, that
Speaker 1: presented people with the option to read the news from
Speaker 1: what was called a newspaper in the morning, didn't watch
Speaker 1: a half hour recap of the big stories at night.
Speaker 1: They called that recap the evening news, and it was
Speaker 1: a nice way to keep up with the events. But
Speaker 1: now joyless people are glued to their phones looking at
Speaker 1: news for four to five to ten hours a day.
Speaker 1: Scientists don't know why these people do this. We we
Speaker 1: are working on it. What we do know is it
Speaker 1: makes you joyless behavior for taking pictures of your food.
Speaker 1: What kind of joyless idiot takes pictures of their food. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about pink drinks you might get on vacation,
Speaker 1: or birthday cakes or cupcakes that look like boobs. That
Speaker 1: that is joyfull, that's in the joyful category. What I'm
Speaker 1: talking about is a picture of a salad with an
Speaker 1: avocado on it, or a plate of spaghetti. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about a sandwich. Why why people do this is a
Speaker 1: complete mystery to me. Okay, well, now I have to
Speaker 1: fuss up. I take pictures of salads I make sometimes,
Speaker 1: or a nice pasta dinner. I mean, I just think
Speaker 1: it's nice to share with people something you like. Or
Speaker 1: something you think is well done. And I do think
Speaker 1: good food can be remembered. I call both. I mean
Speaker 1: good food should be eaten. I think people take pictures
Speaker 1: of food to show off. I'm eating a fancy sandwich
Speaker 1: and you're not. You know, I'm eating a bowl of soup,
Speaker 1: which makes me very interesting. People who take pictures of
Speaker 1: food are joyless people. And that's two on you, Carolina.
Speaker 1: You cannot afford to get another or you will be
Speaker 1: a joyless person. I understand. Um, okay, what's next on
Speaker 1: the list? Behavior number five people who try and walk cats.
Speaker 1: I don't get. I don't get this one. You've seen them.
Speaker 1: There's always some weirdo in the neighborhood it tries to
Speaker 1: walk a cat like a dog. Not only is it ridiculous,
Speaker 1: it also means you are a joyless person. Cat people
Speaker 1: are not joyless. I'll start by because there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people who love their cats. They do, however, experience
Speaker 1: joy in a more cerebral, less fun way than dog people.
Speaker 1: That signs. But cat owners who try and walk their
Speaker 1: cats like dogs are joyless, plain and simple. No cat
Speaker 1: in the history of cats wants to walk on a
Speaker 1: leash around the block you and show me videos and
Speaker 1: tell me stories. But I know cats. Cats have spoken
Speaker 1: to me. They have confided that walking outside a leash
Speaker 1: is the stupidest activity any human has ever tried. And
Speaker 1: that's including ultimate frisbee and hot dog eating contests. You
Speaker 1: can step on supermanscape, you can spit into the wind,
Speaker 1: but you don't walk your cat on a leash outside.
Speaker 1: You simply don't do it. I just want to double
Speaker 1: back and ask about the cats um talking to you.
Speaker 1: Oh boy, Carolina, huh, I knew you'd raise a red
Speaker 1: flag on that one. Look, the mysteries of the world
Speaker 1: and the great unknoble universe dance around in your head
Speaker 1: like gravel in a tin pot, clanking and clanking without
Speaker 1: making music. Yes, cats talk to me. I am unusual
Speaker 1: that way. It's not something I can explain. But the
Speaker 1: universe is filled with the unexplained. Take jazz as rock fusion,
Speaker 1: for instance. There's no explanation for jazz rock fusion. Take
Speaker 1: the banana, no explanation. Take Rudolph Giuliani. How do you
Speaker 1: explain Rudolph Giuliani? You can't. I can talk to cats,
Speaker 1: and they can talk to me, and they all tell
Speaker 1: me that walking on a leash around a neighborhood is dumb.
Speaker 1: D U m B dumb. It's for joyless people. Is
Speaker 1: it something you do, Carolina? No, as you know, I
Speaker 1: have dogs. Okay, you're on the edge. I was holding
Speaker 1: my breath. Okay. The next habit of the joyless behavior
Speaker 1: Number six, men who wear sandals. Now this one is complicated.
Speaker 1: Of course, men who live around the Mediterranean Sea, Greeks
Speaker 1: and Italians North Africans can wear sandals. They've been wearing
Speaker 1: sandals for at least four thousand years. I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about them. But if you are an American and you
Speaker 1: are sandals, than you are joyless. Okay, So besides people
Speaker 1: who have lived around the Mediterranean Sea for thousands of years,
Speaker 1: for many millennia. I don't know if this one's fair.
Speaker 1: I mean, I wear sandals pretty much all summer long. Okay,
Speaker 1: but you're you're a woman. Women can wear sandals. Men cannot.
Speaker 1: What about when you go to the beach. Those are
Speaker 1: flip flops. Flip flops are not sandals. There's a there's
Speaker 1: a real distinction. Prison shoes and crocs are permissible, but
Speaker 1: I frown upon them. I'm talking about leather sandals, handcrafted
Speaker 1: hippie shoes for grown men. People who wear them are
Speaker 1: scientifically proven to be joyless people. Behavior number seven people
Speaker 1: who say they like the Denver Broncos. It's bad enough
Speaker 1: that you live in America's most boring city. It doesn't
Speaker 1: make you joyless, though, but saying you like the Denver
Speaker 1: Broncos definitely classifies you as a joyless person. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: Bronco fans. You're You're not a terrible person. You're like
Speaker 1: what we call a good person. You are a nice person, probably,
Speaker 1: But because you say I like the Denver Broncos, we
Speaker 1: now know through science that you are joyless. And on
Speaker 1: the scale of joylessness, you are also at the level
Speaker 1: of no fun So you are especially joyless. Maybe pick
Speaker 1: another team, like the Arizona Cardinals. That one feels personal,
Speaker 1: but can continue. Sorry for interrupting, okay. Behavior number eight
Speaker 1: owning a duva cover. I'm what's wrong with owning a
Speaker 1: dube cover? Be careful there, Carolina. Alright, you're you're treading
Speaker 1: on thin ice over there. If you say you have
Speaker 1: a duvet cover, then that's three on my list and
Speaker 1: you are done. You're joyless. I actually just use blankets,
Speaker 1: but I'm just curious. What could be wrong with owning
Speaker 1: a dube cover? Well, are you kidding me? It's a
Speaker 1: giant bag there. There there's no man made reason on
Speaker 1: the planet for the invention of the dubaka. If you
Speaker 1: have one, or more than one, and many people who
Speaker 1: own duvets have multiple duvet covers, then you are especially joyless.
Speaker 1: Not as joyless as a person who likes the Denver Broncos,
Speaker 1: but you're still pretty dawn joyless. This seems harsh. I
Speaker 1: mean it, just a duvet cover just technically protects your
Speaker 1: duvet and keeps it clean, so then you only have
Speaker 1: to wash the duvet cover. I'm not being harsh at
Speaker 1: all here, Carolina. Walking a cat outside on a leash
Speaker 1: is very dumb. Believe in costco has great deals is
Speaker 1: also dumb. But owning a duvet cover means you're insufferably joyless.
Speaker 1: If you want to experience immediate gratification and joy, not
Speaker 1: unlike an orgasm, throw away your duvet cover right now.
Speaker 1: It's not too late. Behavior Number eight people who like
Speaker 1: hard Seltzer, Well, I'm good with this one because I
Speaker 1: don't drink Lucky again, Carolina dodging a bullet because drinking
Speaker 1: hard seltzer is one of the more joyless activities to
Speaker 1: come from our modern times. I'll confess I I like
Speaker 1: a good Scotch and soda from time to time, although
Speaker 1: I prefer my Scotch neat or with a couple of
Speaker 1: rocks on a hot day. But a tasty Scotch and
Speaker 1: soda is a far cry from an alcoholic appleberry flavored
Speaker 1: fizzy drink for grown adults who haven't even been weaned
Speaker 1: off of juice boxes and animal crackers. Jesus and its
Speaker 1: flavors are created in a laboratory by robots. These robots
Speaker 1: then throw an alcohol and seltzer water and put it
Speaker 1: in a can for dumbbells to drink. Here's the rub.
Speaker 1: They look like they're having a good time drinking hard seltzer.
Speaker 1: They might, They might even look like they are experiencing joy,
Speaker 1: But the science is pretty clear here. These are joyless
Speaker 1: people who should not be allowed in bars for the
Speaker 1: damage they could be doing to the atmosphere. People who
Speaker 1: drink hard seltzer are joyless. If they look like they're
Speaker 1: having fun, then how can you tell they're joyless. I've
Speaker 1: been to parties where it looks like people drinking hard
Speaker 1: Seltzer or having a good time. They don't seem oh,
Speaker 1: I I don't doubt they look that way. That they
Speaker 1: were probably taking their shirts off and shouting things like
Speaker 1: go bracos. And these heart Seltzers were on sale at Costco.
Speaker 1: I mean, heart Seltzer plays tricks on social scientists because
Speaker 1: those that drink it do in fact give off the
Speaker 1: impression that they are having fun, but multiple lab tests
Speaker 1: show they are not having fun and they are joyless.
Speaker 1: The ninth behavior on this list that is a dead
Speaker 1: giveaway that you are a joyless person is owning a fish,
Speaker 1: um a singular fish, like what do you mean? Or
Speaker 1: having an aquarium. Yes, if you have an aquarium with
Speaker 1: some fish, a fish, or multiple fish, you are a
Speaker 1: joyless person. I don't know, I can kind of see that.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you have an aquarium that takes up
Speaker 1: a whole wall in your house and you have something
Speaker 1: like a shark or an eel or a man to ray,
Speaker 1: you're not joyless. You experience great joy. I've had such
Speaker 1: an aquarium. I had had one behind my bed that
Speaker 1: took forty thousand gallons of water inside it was a
Speaker 1: short fin mako shark, a hammerhead shark, and a killer whale.
Speaker 1: It was. It was amazing, and if you threw a
Speaker 1: live pig in the aquarium, the most beautiful colors of
Speaker 1: red and pink would swirl around, giving the bedroom all
Speaker 1: a whorehouse glow. That was very sensual. And I found
Speaker 1: out the hard way a killer whale should not be
Speaker 1: kept in such a small aquarium. Through ingenious sonar conversations.
Speaker 1: While I slept, the killer whale, who was named Bloppy,
Speaker 1: convinced the hammerhead shark named Jason Bourne to bang his
Speaker 1: head against the glass until it broke. I was gonna
Speaker 1: say it doesn't sound safe. It sounded insecure well, and
Speaker 1: it caused a lot of water damage anyway. But apparently
Speaker 1: Bloppy's dream was to escape and eat me. It told
Speaker 1: you that in the sonar in the sonar conversation. Yes,
Speaker 1: fish are dumb, though, and when they escaped, they all
Speaker 1: died on the floor, you know, flopping around without water.
Speaker 1: But but the story has a happy ending, it does.
Speaker 1: They tasted great on the barbecue. Where was I You
Speaker 1: were saying that people who had aquariums were joyless? Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm having trouble of following a little bit. Well, I
Speaker 1: think I think I clearly made the distinction that what
Speaker 1: I had was a cool aquarium. Yeah, what you had
Speaker 1: was massively illegal, but um it sure was. That one
Speaker 1: fish is lame, but killer whale. You have to remember
Speaker 1: it was a different time. I didn't realize you needed
Speaker 1: to have the paperwork and the health board and the
Speaker 1: where is this paperwork? I never had it, That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. But what I had was joy But the
Speaker 1: average human who just has a couple of guppies in
Speaker 1: an aquarium, that's that's joyless. You ate your sharks because
Speaker 1: they died on your bedroom war and I had to
Speaker 1: cover up the evidence. I was about to do three
Speaker 1: years in medium security prison for harboring wild animals in
Speaker 1: an unsuitable environment. But an aquarium with fishes a joyless endeavor.
Speaker 1: Listen to me, Carolina, medium security prison. Okay, an aquarium
Speaker 1: with a few fish is a joyless endeavor. And although
Speaker 1: I sympathize with these people, they are still joyless. If
Speaker 1: it's the only thing on this list they are guilty of,
Speaker 1: then they may very well experienced joy in their lives.
Speaker 1: But my advice would be to eat those fish as
Speaker 1: quickly as they can and get the aquarium out of
Speaker 1: their house. There's plenty of fish in the sea, as
Speaker 1: the saying goes, which in this case applies to actual
Speaker 1: fish and the actual sea. You don't need a boring
Speaker 1: box of water in your house. Ye. So that was
Speaker 1: number nine. Um, what is the last indicator of a
Speaker 1: joyless life? I think our listeners are very excited. Well,
Speaker 1: I've written about it before, and I know at this
Speaker 1: point it's almost heartless to bring it up because to
Speaker 1: this day there is no cure. But the number ten
Speaker 1: positive indicator of joylessness is being Canadian. I'm a little confused.
Speaker 1: You just overaw being from Canada. I've met some joyful
Speaker 1: Canadians that you met here in the United States. Right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Once out of their country, a Canadian can in fact
Speaker 1: become a joyful person. But if they're still in Canada,
Speaker 1: then they they make Denver Broncos fans look like SpongeBob
Speaker 1: square Pants. Canadians are so joyless they can actually infect
Speaker 1: others around them and cause debilitating depression. That seems like
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, if you wake up in Canada, there
Speaker 1: is no tomorrow. Oh my god, Yeah, there is no
Speaker 1: hope of a future, only the drudgery of your endless
Speaker 1: days and the horrifying bleakness of a night without in
Speaker 1: We'll be cutting this out. Sleep is an escape, and
Speaker 1: escape is all you dream about if if you are Canadian,
Speaker 1: you don't need to other indicators on this list. You
Speaker 1: are joyless. Science is working on a cure, and the
Speaker 1: most promising is to make your country part of the
Speaker 1: United States. There's there's a lot of fear though that
Speaker 1: your joylessness could infect u S citizens. So for now
Speaker 1: we are working on other cures. Drugs and talk therapy
Speaker 1: have been tested, but the results have been disappointing. In
Speaker 1: the meantime, your best bet is to leave Canada. Any
Speaker 1: place on Earth will do. Wait. So you participated in
Speaker 1: a study about drugs and talk therapy with Canadians, Yes,
Speaker 1: Canadian subjects who are suffering joylessness from living in Canada.
Speaker 1: I was there in the room two way mirror watching
Speaker 1: the studies. It sounds very controversial. Well, it's way ahead
Speaker 1: of its time and a lot of times, Uh, you
Speaker 1: can't let the general public know what you're doing because
Speaker 1: it's so high level. Yeah, I wonder if anyone knew
Speaker 1: what you were doing. Well, the thing is it wasn't working.
Speaker 1: We had Pamela Anderson, Oh my gosh, Ryan Gosling and
Speaker 1: the bear naked ladies. Those were our main subject, that's
Speaker 1: what we're conducting the talk therapy with. And it was
Speaker 1: I was so hopeful these clinical trials or they went nowhere. Wow,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be honest. This sounds actually just plainly rude.
Speaker 1: And I know for a fact that we have some
Speaker 1: Canadian fans of this podcast, so I just want to
Speaker 1: be respectful, and what I would say to them is
Speaker 1: that joylessness is a problem that afflicts many people, not
Speaker 1: just Canadians. As you can see by my scientific list,
Speaker 1: there are a lot of joyless people in the world.
Speaker 1: I didn't talk about racist or sexist or biggots of
Speaker 1: any kind. I didn't didn't talk about proud boys or
Speaker 1: people on Twitter. But as we know, these people experience
Speaker 1: very low levels of joy and high levels of sociopathy.
Speaker 1: Anger is a great indicator of low joy levels. So
Speaker 1: my list isn't definitive, but it is scientific. It's it's
Speaker 1: no coincidence that if you own a duvet cover, you
Speaker 1: probably have a fish or shop at Costco or our
Speaker 1: Canadian they usually link up. Most most joyless people have
Speaker 1: at least three of these traits from my list. Okay,
Speaker 1: you've classified all kinds of joyless traits, and you and
Speaker 1: I had some fun thinking of joyless sentences to say.
Speaker 1: But I just feel like in a podcast about joy,
Speaker 1: you haven't really defined joy or explained how to get
Speaker 1: joy out of life. For some of our listeners who
Speaker 1: tuned in for that reason, Well, I was getting to it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I I I don't like feeling rushed, Carolina.
Speaker 1: I'm not rushing you. I know you can eat an
Speaker 1: Italian meatball sub and under five seconds, but some of
Speaker 1: us like to take our time with things. So I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: And I'm not accusing you of being a glut. You're
Speaker 1: young and impatient, and yes, you can be quite pushy,
Speaker 1: even bordering on mean, but I'm not blaming you. Okay,
Speaker 1: don't push me, though I'm not I'll push back. I
Speaker 1: don't know much about the so called me too movement,
Speaker 1: but I'm assuming there's still room for a fistfight or
Speaker 1: two between us. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm understanding.
Speaker 1: Are you threatening to beat me up because I asked
Speaker 1: you to explain joy. Oh goodness, No, of course not you.
Speaker 1: You're misinterpreting me again as always. But what would happen
Speaker 1: if we just finally got to the bottom of this
Speaker 1: anger we have towards each other and we we both
Speaker 1: just got planks of wood and kicked the out of
Speaker 1: each other. Well that's not really fair, because you've been
Speaker 1: in so many weird battles and gladiator fights, and I've
Speaker 1: never even been in a fist fight. What about slapping?
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in a slapping fight or a
Speaker 1: cat fight? Women often get in cat fights with hair
Speaker 1: pulling and scratching. I see it a lot in footage
Speaker 1: from Miami Beach. You've been in some of these over
Speaker 1: the years, I assume. No, No, not really. I mean
Speaker 1: there was this one time in college I gone to
Speaker 1: a shoving fight in a bar and I did end
Speaker 1: up slapping that person. Exhilarating, right, I mean yeah, I
Speaker 1: hate to admit that, but it was. It was kind
Speaker 1: of refreshing. A good open hand slap for someone who
Speaker 1: truly deserves it can be very refreshing. I once slapped
Speaker 1: an old man who kicked my dog Baxter for no
Speaker 1: reason at all. Baxter was minding his own business in
Speaker 1: the park one day, chasing butterflies. He really can be
Speaker 1: a stupid dog sometimes. When this elderly and threatened to
Speaker 1: lock him up, I exchanged some heated words with the gentleman,
Speaker 1: and although I'm not proud, I insulted his shoes. They
Speaker 1: were these tacky auburn loafers. The apparently it didn't like
Speaker 1: what I had to say about his shoes, and he
Speaker 1: kicked back ster. Oh my god, yes, So I slapped
Speaker 1: him and it was a wonderful slap, and he knew it,
Speaker 1: and I think looking back on it, he even would
Speaker 1: say it was a well placed and well timed slap.
Speaker 1: You shouldn't slap old men. Well, you shouldn't kick dogs either.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's the same. So now, so now
Speaker 1: you hate dogs? Fascinating. I don't I have dogs. Just
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear stories about you hitting the elderly.
Speaker 1: It's not allowable. I didn't make a habit of it.
Speaker 1: I probably only hit a handful of old people in
Speaker 1: my life. One came at me with a knife. She
Speaker 1: was KGB in a hired assassin. Was it was? I
Speaker 1: not allowed to defend myself. Don't twist what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you're just you're a tall, large man.
Speaker 1: Unless you're protecting yourself, I see no reason for you
Speaker 1: to ever hit an older man or god forbid, an
Speaker 1: older woman. There was a hit on me in the
Speaker 1: late seventies. It was an open hit, which meant any
Speaker 1: qualified professional could take their shot at me. I had
Speaker 1: massad guys, Chinese guys KGB, and independent contractors coming at
Speaker 1: me all hours of the day. One day in June,
Speaker 1: I fought off four different hitmen, the last attempt ending
Speaker 1: in a high speed car chase through the San Diego Zoo.
Speaker 1: There was a lot of blood that day, most of
Speaker 1: it hippopotamus, but also the French hitman who came at me.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry why I missed why there was a hit
Speaker 1: on you. Well, it was all a big mix up.
Speaker 1: I looked like some Polish criminal named Ivan Blatsky and
Speaker 1: they came at me. Yeah. Blatsky sent me flowers every
Speaker 1: year for twenty years, thanking me for taking the heat.
Speaker 1: We became good friends, even though he was a notorious murderer,
Speaker 1: a drug dealer, and a human trafficker. Wait to what
Speaker 1: happened to Ivan blacks. Well, he's living the good life.
Speaker 1: He got a plastic surgery, moved to Florida and changed
Speaker 1: his name to al Gore. Okay, al Gore, not that
Speaker 1: al Gore geez, but yes, al Gore. He liked the name.
Speaker 1: I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything. There's still
Speaker 1: a hit out in Blaskey, and and now they'll know
Speaker 1: he's living in Florida as al Gore, not former Vice
Speaker 1: President Al Gore, who by all accounts as a humanitarian
Speaker 1: and pretty good guy, but just plain old golf playing
Speaker 1: pool side, sitting al Gore. I feel like we maybe
Speaker 1: got off on a tangent. Definitely did I know you hate,
Speaker 1: but you made me do it. The woman who came
Speaker 1: at me with a knife and throwing stars and spikes
Speaker 1: in her shoes was a professional killer, trained in martial
Speaker 1: arts and was as cold blooded as they. So you
Speaker 1: just slapped her in response back to tripped her as
Speaker 1: she was lunging towards me, and yes, I got a
Speaker 1: quick chop in as she was going down. Unfortunately for her,
Speaker 1: she fell on one of her own knives and bled
Speaker 1: out on my entrance. Baxter and I wrapped the body
Speaker 1: in a sheet, with some rocks, and we rode it
Speaker 1: into the Pacific and dumped her in the water. I
Speaker 1: don't know how to talk about you disposing of a body,
Speaker 1: but let's just we've wandered so far off from today's topic.
Speaker 1: Let's just try to get back to it. Did you
Speaker 1: think the story ended there, because that's not the end
Speaker 1: of the story. No. Several years later, a poor Russian
Speaker 1: man claiming to be her husband appeared at my doorstep.
Speaker 1: I invited him in naturally. Yes, he had learned from
Speaker 1: Russian authorities that a well respected news man and his
Speaker 1: dog had killed his wife. He wasn't looking for revenge.
Speaker 1: She was only looking for a momento, something he could
Speaker 1: remember her by, because they were very much in love.
Speaker 1: I have a soft spot for lovers and and love,
Speaker 1: as you know, But I'll confess I had no such
Speaker 1: memento to give the porcel. However, thinking fast, I handed
Speaker 1: him an unopened can of Baxter's dog food and said
Speaker 1: with all conviction that his wife had asked me to
Speaker 1: give this can of dog food to her beloved husband
Speaker 1: if he ever came looking for her. That was the
Speaker 1: best you could think of. Well, I was thinking on
Speaker 1: my feet, but here's the thing. He broke down, sobbing
Speaker 1: in my arms, clutching the can of dog food like
Speaker 1: it was a human heart. And in some ways it
Speaker 1: was a human heart. It was all I had left
Speaker 1: of his great love. In another way it was it
Speaker 1: was just a can of dog food, Carolina, I leave
Speaker 1: you with this. Love is strange. It's an all encompassing
Speaker 1: feeling of human purpose. It centers us, and it's perhaps
Speaker 1: the only reason we're here on earth. It is also
Speaker 1: a can of dog food. Okay, So what about Oh
Speaker 1: what about joy? This the topic today's podcast was supposed
Speaker 1: to be about joy, and you haven't really explained what
Speaker 1: it is or how to get it. How the hell
Speaker 1: should I know? I play the flute, I swim in
Speaker 1: the nude. I take surfing lessons from an old woman.
Speaker 1: I drink scotch and sit for hours in my car,
Speaker 1: trying to look like an undercover cop. I go to
Speaker 1: the zoo and watch Cheetah's pace up and down. I
Speaker 1: climb water towers and yell out my name. I build
Speaker 1: dreamcatchers and collect old lanterns. I read about vikings, I
Speaker 1: run backwards through malls. I eat anything that looks like chilli.
Speaker 1: I write poetry. I danced like Pola Abdul, I enter
Speaker 1: illegal street racing competitions. I'm recognized as one of the
Speaker 1: world's best bird watchers. I pleasure myself. Yes, I pleasure
Speaker 1: my wife. I love dogs. I love flowers and songs
Speaker 1: about flowers, and I love love. And that's me in
Speaker 1: a nutshell. I have no idea what brings other people joy.
Speaker 1: I only hope everyone finds as much of it as
Speaker 1: I have. So there's no way for someone to find joy.
Speaker 1: There's no universal rule. No, there is not. I'm sorry
Speaker 1: if I mislead everyone. You definitely did. However, there is
Speaker 1: a trick I learned many years ago that will make
Speaker 1: it easier for you to experience joy. Okay, what's that?
Speaker 1: Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy. Thank you for listening to
Speaker 1: today's podcast as