Speaker 1: You were now checked in to Stand Up New York Labs.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, welcome to Guys We Fucked Guys We Guys Book.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina. I'm sorry about last night. Coming to you
Speaker 1: from Stand Up New York Class, Guys, Anti sluck Shaming Podcast.
Speaker 1: I never stopped. Hey, everybody, welcome to another episode of
Speaker 1: Guys We Fun, the anti sluckt shaming podcast. Coming to
Speaker 1: you from Stand Up New York Class. Oh my god, guys,
Speaker 1: it's a it's a special day. You're in good spirits.
Speaker 1: I'm in great spirit. I'd like to everyone. That was
Speaker 1: an intense episode last time, but it was it just
Speaker 1: felt good. It was it's just so nice to be
Speaker 1: honest and to be truthful. It wasn't feeling it's interesting.
Speaker 1: Everyone's like, oh, you're so brave, You're so honest. I was.
Speaker 1: I was just telling you guys what happened. Like I
Speaker 1: don't think of it as like I'm going to be honest,
Speaker 1: but people are gonna, like most people hold back, and
Speaker 1: it's just nice when people don't hold back. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I think that's really I don't hold back when when
Speaker 1: I when I should or when I shouldn't, So right,
Speaker 1: I guess it's whatever. But I do want to say
Speaker 1: thank you to everyone who wrote it because I was
Speaker 1: having a fucking shitty day. I didn't even have time
Speaker 1: to really put the podcast on my Facebook, and I
Speaker 1: when I finally got to a computer because I had
Speaker 1: no phone because I lost my phone. That was another thing.
Speaker 1: I think you found it so good does exist sometimes
Speaker 1: in the world. I mean, he also probably knew that
Speaker 1: I was gonna give him money. He probably lived at
Speaker 1: all your titty pitches. I deleted them and they were
Speaker 1: locked anyway. Um, but I I do want to say,
Speaker 1: like as sincere thank you because you guys were super
Speaker 1: nice and uh, it made me feel a lot better
Speaker 1: all reading all like the nice positive comments because I
Speaker 1: was like, oh boy, they're gonna give me a ship
Speaker 1: for crying. A few of you did give me a
Speaker 1: ship for crying because without saying though, I knew there'd
Speaker 1: be some and that's fine. I mean, there was some
Speaker 1: really super rude ones. And to those people, like the
Speaker 1: New York version of Corince says, oh, you guys, just
Speaker 1: you know you haven't never fallen in love yet and
Speaker 1: one day you'll understand what that feels like. Uh. And
Speaker 1: the new the new Jersey Corene says, fuck you, you
Speaker 1: fucking stupid cons never listened to the podcast again. I
Speaker 1: will come to your house and fucking murder you with
Speaker 1: my cock that I don't have with your cock. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I like to, like in my mind, I have a
Speaker 1: dick and it shoots and I fucking smack it. It's
Speaker 1: like it's like a Swiss army knife. You got bullets,
Speaker 1: you got you got a little fork for u. It
Speaker 1: does every your flexible so you can eat with your dick.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I got out of the city last weekend. Yes,
Speaker 1: and uh, Stephen and I went to a strip club
Speaker 1: in Massachusetts outside of you. You You had no you know,
Speaker 1: you're you're texting me. You're like, I'm in New hampshot
Speaker 1: And then I was like, where are you the border?
Speaker 1: We're at the border. It's very close. It was only
Speaker 1: like twenty minutes, which I didn't know. Christina let me
Speaker 1: know that I didn't either. Is that weird? I had
Speaker 1: no idea where New hampshrot bluck. I knew it was
Speaker 1: somewhere up there. It's like above us. That's all I know.
Speaker 1: We went to a small town trip club and it
Speaker 1: was really a great experience. I think it was called
Speaker 1: the Golden Banana, which was like a male dancers, but
Speaker 1: it's not. And we actually got Steven. I like going
Speaker 1: to strike cub with Stephen because I like when we're
Speaker 1: both turned on him to be having fun. If he's
Speaker 1: not having fun, then let's leave. This is a waste
Speaker 1: of time. So there was this one dancer who she
Speaker 1: was kind of like thicker, had like a Kim Kardashian
Speaker 1: type of body. She just seemed like she she enjoyed
Speaker 1: being on stage. She wasn't wasted or on drugs. She
Speaker 1: just was having a really good time. And Stephen really
Speaker 1: liked her and I thought she was really cool too.
Speaker 1: And then a bunch of other people came on. Some
Speaker 1: of them were just like, oh, I think you're on
Speaker 1: myth like they just seemed to think they're on drugs,
Speaker 1: and and I turned him. I'm like, are you having fun?
Speaker 1: He goes. So I was like, let's get a lap
Speaker 1: dance from that girl, Like let's do why not? So
Speaker 1: he was a little hesitant and he's like, yeah, all right,
Speaker 1: and so and then I've never done this before with
Speaker 1: him anyway, or that anybody else. And this is interesting
Speaker 1: because I do want to mention. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you mentioned, but Stephen doesn't drink yea drugs, He doesn't
Speaker 1: do anything. So drinks coffee. That's about it. That doesn't
Speaker 1: because um but he's not like an alcohol he was
Speaker 1: never an alcoholic. He just like is got annoyed by
Speaker 1: all of his drunk friends when he was in high school,
Speaker 1: like sucking up their lives. He was like this, so
Speaker 1: uh so, yeah, so we got We went in this
Speaker 1: like little room with a bunch of couches, and I
Speaker 1: thought it was gonna be really awkward, but it was
Speaker 1: really hot. And she basically gave him a lap dance
Speaker 1: and kind of me but mostly him for a song.
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's I was so turned on. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know, it was cool. I wouldn't want someone
Speaker 1: to give me. I would like to someone give you
Speaker 1: play the pocket plug the pocket she was. She was like,
Speaker 1: that's amazing. I'm gonna listen to it. I was like,
Speaker 1: please do if you want to come on, just right
Speaker 1: on your titty, shoot me a message. And then, um,
Speaker 1: so that was really fun and then we had great sex, right,
Speaker 1: great great sex. We we usually have pretty awesome sex.
Speaker 1: We've heard Yeah, I don't. I don't want to rub
Speaker 1: it in, but you do. And then I saw I
Speaker 1: saw a very large cock in real life that wasn't
Speaker 1: stevens Okay. Two weeks two days ago, when the we
Speaker 1: did the show The Village Underground, they recorded Legion of Skanks.
Speaker 1: I I went to the show. A Tel was on
Speaker 1: CrowdWork Show, Huh Big Jokerson's CrowdWork Show. They recorded the
Speaker 1: Legion's Skanks podcast after, and I was just if I'm
Speaker 1: energized and I feel like staying out and ship's going on,
Speaker 1: I'll stay out because it's a rare. It's like rare
Speaker 1: that I have the energy and Christine, I need sleep
Speaker 1: guys all the time. And I guess already. Aretie Fuqua,
Speaker 1: who's a comedian, was in the audience. He participated in
Speaker 1: the crowd Work Show. We're all kind of hanging out
Speaker 1: as they were recording, and then Les tell me he
Speaker 1: did not show you his day. Oh yeah, I saw
Speaker 1: him get a hand job in the bathroom. You saw
Speaker 1: him get a hand shop there next him? Or you peak?
Speaker 1: So wait, how did this? How does this come? So
Speaker 1: they started talking about how he has a twelve inch cock?
Speaker 1: Who's they Big Jay comedians, who of course would know
Speaker 1: okay obviously like they know and what the girls are clueless.
Speaker 1: They also had never seen big dick, so they were like, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: Jays the tories for like I was a small cock,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna scariously throw you guys um. And so they're
Speaker 1: talking about how biggest cockets. And then there was a
Speaker 1: girl who was an audience in the show before who
Speaker 1: just kind of a couple of people just stayed to
Speaker 1: listen to them record, and they were talking to her,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how it came up, but it
Speaker 1: was like, you should go go see his dick in
Speaker 1: the bathroom and tell us if it's really twelve inches,
Speaker 1: and so one thing. It took a little coaxing, but
Speaker 1: the two of them went to the bathroom like we
Speaker 1: need somebody to make sure. We don't want them to
Speaker 1: be lying. So I was like, I'll do it. So
Speaker 1: I walked into the bathroom in US and I peeked
Speaker 1: into the stall and already's dick was out and this
Speaker 1: girl was like tugging it and it was fucking gigantic,
Speaker 1: and I was horrified and I ran away, which is
Speaker 1: kind of like I'm like, I'm straight, but a giant no,
Speaker 1: no boy, Now cock is kind of scary. Well, I
Speaker 1: always think it's interesting to see someone's cock. I mean,
Speaker 1: like whether under the circumstances. I think it's interesting because,
Speaker 1: for in my experience, seeing someone's cock really helps you
Speaker 1: to understand their personality better. Really, why, guys, you, I
Speaker 1: don't know, like the size this is? The size is
Speaker 1: really relevant to how cocky? Like it's cocky? Is not
Speaker 1: just a clever term, like cocky really means like cocky
Speaker 1: because like if someone's not that good looking and they
Speaker 1: had this fucking crazy attitude and you're like, what's with
Speaker 1: the attitude? Bro? Then he drops trout and you're like,
Speaker 1: I see what's I don't like seeing cock will turn
Speaker 1: me guy's it will turn me on if I am
Speaker 1: attracted to him. But if I'm not, I don't want
Speaker 1: to see it. I don't. I'm not like, oh I
Speaker 1: want to doesn't turn me on or not? I don't pleasing. Really,
Speaker 1: if you actually look at the formation, it's not like tits,
Speaker 1: where tits are pretty fun. Yeah, but is that because
Speaker 1: the media every because every magazine because of the media, Yeah,
Speaker 1: raw brainwash. I don't know what it is. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've seen some tits I didn't like a lot.
Speaker 1: Actually why but you know, I'm not grossed out by them.
Speaker 1: I'm actually like a guy's if a I am not
Speaker 1: attracted to, when I see his dick, I'm like, give
Speaker 1: me away, go sit, especially a flaccid one. It wasn't
Speaker 1: faid well, I know, but I'm saying like it's halfway
Speaker 1: there and it was gigant, especially if flaccid penis is
Speaker 1: especially gross. Anyone who thinks it's not, you're lying to yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if I love you, it's not gross. It's wonderful. But
Speaker 1: if I don't, don't feel kind of funny. I like
Speaker 1: to flick at me too. Sometimes I like to make
Speaker 1: it talk to the Are you like to do the
Speaker 1: games with the GENITALI? Mr dick Um. Yeah. The weirdest
Speaker 1: I get is is saying in a weird voice, that's
Speaker 1: the baby's house when I have my period. That's the weirdest.
Speaker 1: Only that's the baby's house. That's that's that's the worst
Speaker 1: I'll do. Um. Okay, So that sounds like a crazy weekend.
Speaker 1: I had a less crazy weekend, but I also got
Speaker 1: out of the city because I needed to I just
Speaker 1: needed to I skate to the wonderful world of New Jersey. Um,
Speaker 1: you and I spent some time with the dude. I'm
Speaker 1: fucking I don't know what I'm supposed to say about him. Um,
Speaker 1: but listen to the show. I doubt it. And if
Speaker 1: he does, uh sorry, that means he's in love with me,
Speaker 1: so I'd be excited. Um like that. But you're still
Speaker 1: at the stubborn phase of him. Yeah, we're just subbeing people. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: you're both very stubborn. Yeah, I always I don't know,
Speaker 1: like he one day he's gonna say something or I
Speaker 1: mean he'll either dump me or like, one day he'll
Speaker 1: say something. And I'm gonna be like Sandra Bullock when
Speaker 1: she in that movie where she's like, you love me,
Speaker 1: prettty want to date? You want to Mr Geniality? Yes, yes, Yes,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm gonna do. I don't think. I don't
Speaker 1: know every word of that movie and I like, um
Speaker 1: and uh so I don't know, and we got to
Speaker 1: actually like I know, I don't I don't like talk
Speaker 1: about him because I was a whole you know problem
Speaker 1: initially initially, but he actually turned to me this weekend
Speaker 1: after we were discussing something and he goes, you should
Speaker 1: talk about that on the podcast, and I was give
Speaker 1: me permission. Yeah, so he's it was passing and he
Speaker 1: probably hasn't remember. He said that that's fine because I'm
Speaker 1: holding him to it. And well, we were talking about
Speaker 1: we're both very sexually explorative, as we like to say,
Speaker 1: and so I'll just I'll grace over this um we
Speaker 1: or graze over it as god. I'm so I use.
Speaker 1: I don't use words crust. I don't either. Usually ever,
Speaker 1: I'll use a big word because I'm like, I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure it makes sense here if it doesn't, a lot
Speaker 1: of times they just try to slur words because I'm like,
Speaker 1: if I don't know what I means, I'm like, I
Speaker 1: know the beginning sounds. It's very u um. And so
Speaker 1: we were we do something but we we like to
Speaker 1: so we're not monoga moogad. It's so funny, Christie, because
Speaker 1: as I was walking here that the people behind me
Speaker 1: were talking. We're talking about Dan Savage and how he
Speaker 1: coined the term monoga mish he did, and I was like,
Speaker 1: he's had a life, but he's had a husband for
Speaker 1: very azing. They're both they both fun other people when
Speaker 1: I want to. They have a son, they're very in love,
Speaker 1: and they have a pretty happy marriage. Yeah. No, it
Speaker 1: sounds they're doing something right. Sounds amazing and uh and
Speaker 1: I was like, that is what I heard them talking about.
Speaker 1: I was like, that's exactly. I didn't have a word
Speaker 1: for what I want, but that's what I want. Uh.
Speaker 1: And I was so glad I heard about it on
Speaker 1: the way of the podcast, and so, uh, yeah, the
Speaker 1: guy we we when we have sex, we um. You know,
Speaker 1: from time to time we do stuff with other people
Speaker 1: and we will tell each other about it, like literally
Speaker 1: when he's inside me, um, and it turns you both on.
Speaker 1: I never did this any before he initiated, and I
Speaker 1: thought it was fucking awesome. Um. But then I got
Speaker 1: some more details to one of the stories he told
Speaker 1: me this weekend, and then I was like, okay, we've
Speaker 1: hit because it was one of the stories he told you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got more details to it. He became a little
Speaker 1: bit personal, there were some romantic elements to it, and
Speaker 1: then I got a little bit upset, and I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: so at least I was. I still am sad about it,
Speaker 1: but I was like Okay, at least I know that
Speaker 1: this is the line, because sometimes you don't know. You
Speaker 1: need Yeah, you need to find the line. Because I
Speaker 1: would have never thought that I would have liked. I
Speaker 1: would have thought I would get jealous if someone's talking
Speaker 1: about like while they're inside me one else. You really
Speaker 1: never know until it had all you kind of got
Speaker 1: to experiment with it. Yeah, and so, and I think
Speaker 1: he kind of saw my face. He was and he
Speaker 1: was very conceriously, are you upset? But the thing is,
Speaker 1: it's like he was like, you should talk about being
Speaker 1: on the same tear of sluttiness. So we had this
Speaker 1: whole discussion. It's like, I think it's very important to
Speaker 1: be on the same tier of sluttiness as your partner.
Speaker 1: So actually exploratives but no tear of slowtiness. I use
Speaker 1: this for all the people who are gonna be like yeah,
Speaker 1: and then that's what he said. So that's what I'm
Speaker 1: saying that. But and it's very interesting because I think
Speaker 1: people really don't put enough value on how important being
Speaker 1: sexually compatible is in a relationship. So important, and I
Speaker 1: feel like when people fall in love and they realize
Speaker 1: they're not sexually compatible, you stick in the relationship because
Speaker 1: I like, surely we'll stick it out. We'll stick it
Speaker 1: through either A you communicate your needs to each other
Speaker 1: and you meet them and you actually you carry on
Speaker 1: and you have a great sex life. Would be you
Speaker 1: fucking lived together in love, but you go to resent
Speaker 1: each other because the sex isn't good and you seek
Speaker 1: it elsewhere and it's gonna blow up in your face, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: no and break up. And I completely agree, Yeah, and
Speaker 1: so's So it was interesting because I think we are
Speaker 1: This is the out if anyone I've ever dated um
Speaker 1: or stop with this is he is the closest to
Speaker 1: my tear of sluttins. Yeah, and that agrees, So fucking refreshing.
Speaker 1: And he's so honest because like I see, like a
Speaker 1: weight lifted off your shoulders almost when you find out
Speaker 1: I'm not a big talker, as you know. But yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's like he's very honest with me, and like
Speaker 1: but in a way that's not annoying or like when
Speaker 1: he says we need to sit down and talk about something,
Speaker 1: I don't get annoyed because he's not with it. He's
Speaker 1: not picky, he's not like, well, I just don't know
Speaker 1: what you were feeling he's a little yeah no, and
Speaker 1: he's just he's just so fucking cool that it comes off. Okay,
Speaker 1: you also communicate similarly, yes, So that's a great thing
Speaker 1: to have in common too, in addition to like the
Speaker 1: sexuality being on the same scale. Right, So it's something
Speaker 1: interesting to think about because I was like, because I
Speaker 1: I think I think he is. I think he's a
Speaker 1: tear above me, a tear sluttier, and I think we're
Speaker 1: super close. I think he's definitely a tear SLUTTI And
Speaker 1: I'm like, so it's now up to me, like how
Speaker 1: how I going to handle this? And I don't know. Well,
Speaker 1: you just see as you go. Yeah, and the so
Speaker 1: the soap opera unfold you, guys, I do not speaking
Speaker 1: of Dan Savage. Thank you for bringing that up, guys. So,
Speaker 1: Dan Savage is a host of the Savage Love Cast,
Speaker 1: which is one of personally my favorite podcasts. Uh. It's
Speaker 1: one of the reasons why I was like so excited
Speaker 1: to do this podcast. Um. He is amazing, And he's
Speaker 1: having an amateur porn festival. It's called Hump And if
Speaker 1: you want information, it's coming to New York uh soon
Speaker 1: like tomorrow. Uh May or April. That's going to be
Speaker 1: at the Village East Cinema. It's any one Second Avenue
Speaker 1: and it's a film festival of people who want to
Speaker 1: make a porn that aren't porn stars. Basically, I've never
Speaker 1: been to it. I'm super fucking excited to go. Kron
Speaker 1: and I are going on Sunday at four o'clock and
Speaker 1: if you want to look for us, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: We're not gonna be like, hey, where's all of the
Speaker 1: We're just going. Am I really wanted me Dan? I
Speaker 1: would cry like I would not cry. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I would do, but I would be I would
Speaker 1: just hug him. It's going to be exciting and we
Speaker 1: got I was speaking to some of the people at
Speaker 1: the festival and they allowed us to give away a
Speaker 1: pair of free tickets to show um. If you don't
Speaker 1: email us, that's sorry about last night show at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. If you're interested, we'll grab one of you
Speaker 1: and we'll give you two free tickets. If you don't
Speaker 1: get two free tickets but you're still interested in going,
Speaker 1: go to hump toward dot com. That's gonna have all
Speaker 1: the information. Yeah, it's like twenty five bucks to get in,
Speaker 1: but you have to reserve it online. And yeah, there's
Speaker 1: all kinds of show time. Just go to hump toward
Speaker 1: dot com to get more info. But I'm super fun
Speaker 1: And obviously whoever wins the tickets like, please live in
Speaker 1: New York City or please close where you can get him, Like,
Speaker 1: we can't pay for you to come there, and I
Speaker 1: would hate for you to like win them and then
Speaker 1: be like I live in Michigan and then email back
Speaker 1: like I'm sorry about that. Yeah, and then you can
Speaker 1: pick whatever day you want to go. Just let us
Speaker 1: know all the schedules online. It'll be fun. We got
Speaker 1: some interesting feedback. Yeah, um, I was looking through some
Speaker 1: of the so Sam Valenti too, says anal gaping hot
Speaker 1: or not not? I want to say no, I think
Speaker 1: that's I don't like watching it in porn. This never
Speaker 1: happened to me. I don't. I can't have a lot
Speaker 1: of anals suck lately. The past couple of times I've
Speaker 1: tried to have anal, I bled so but there was
Speaker 1: proper for play and props. So I haven't done it
Speaker 1: in a while. And Steven got me like all these
Speaker 1: like toys and stuff, haven't we haven't used yet, but gaping.
Speaker 1: It freaks me out. The word gaping is just never pleasant.
Speaker 1: It's just never good. Not my cup of tea, but
Speaker 1: it might be your cup of tea. Anthony Knox says,
Speaker 1: do you guys hang out so much that your cycles
Speaker 1: have aligned? It would seem so funny, ask yeah, Anthony,
Speaker 1: because yes, we get our periods the exact same time.
Speaker 1: It's happen like a year, this is yeah, this is
Speaker 1: this happened, this happened a while. Guy. Why the fun
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure that obviously there's a reason. Um,
Speaker 1: what is it? It's kind of hilarious though, because like,
Speaker 1: is it Jesus? We'll remind each other that working. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because sometimes all text like it, did you get your period?
Speaker 1: I feel like I should have got mine? But I
Speaker 1: having And she's no, no, not for another two days
Speaker 1: I could. I'm not mind super regular because I was
Speaker 1: on the pill, but now you're on the pill. I'm
Speaker 1: on the pill, but now the pill the pill I'm on.
Speaker 1: I don't get my period. I've it's the doctor was like,
Speaker 1: I don't think of making a period anymore. I'm like,
Speaker 1: is that's safe? And she goes, yeah, Whether it is
Speaker 1: or not, it's happened. But I'm not a raging cunt,
Speaker 1: which I usually I am on birth control. This birth
Speaker 1: control is pretty fucking awesome. Oh my god, where's that
Speaker 1: awesome email? Wait? Hold on, Oh so, Lauren, this girl
Speaker 1: emailed us pretty forward. It to me. It was amazing.
Speaker 1: So short of wanting to go down on both of you,
Speaker 1: not a lezzy way, but let's be really, bitches are hot.
Speaker 1: I love you. I have been always ostracized for my
Speaker 1: I don't give an attitude about sex. I was always
Speaker 1: told I was a slut, skag, coo whatever, because my
Speaker 1: number that I can remember is greater than my age.
Speaker 1: Fuck that you made sex, female sexuality and just all around.
Speaker 1: Let's take twelve shots, throw up, and then fuck approachable.
Speaker 1: Listening to your podcast has been like, okay, Lauren, You're okay,
Speaker 1: You're not abnormal crazy, you just like to drive dick whatever.
Speaker 1: Keep doing what your crazy girls are doing, Lauren. I
Speaker 1: want to I get. I must admit I did read
Speaker 1: this letter at a show. I did this really and
Speaker 1: they were reading it now. I read it at a
Speaker 1: show and I was like, you know what, Sometimes you
Speaker 1: wake up in the morning and you say what is
Speaker 1: my purpose on this planet? Yeah, sometimes you just need
Speaker 1: to write a dick. That was my favorite. That was
Speaker 1: that was so aggressive and then it was like whatever,
Speaker 1: that was my It was just so because I heard
Speaker 1: I don't know Lauren, but it sounds like feel like yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like I know Lauren from so thank you
Speaker 1: Lauren XO XO to you. Uh, do you want to
Speaker 1: read more? Do you want to bring on? I think
Speaker 1: it's a secret. Yeah, let's get going. Um. So we
Speaker 1: have uh, we have two guests this week. Yeah. One
Speaker 1: I did fux so calm down, um, and the other
Speaker 1: one is someone who surprised me yesterday. So I was
Speaker 1: doing a I was doing a show at the Comedians
Speaker 1: Club of New York. Oh my god, I said another
Speaker 1: club's name on the podcast and uh, really promoting that club.
Speaker 1: You have a great job from one club, honestly, And
Speaker 1: um and uh, I was. It was funny because it
Speaker 1: was a really attractive girl sitting in the audience alone.
Speaker 1: And I actually went, I said to the host. We
Speaker 1: were sitting in the back, and I go, why is
Speaker 1: that like hot chicken seeing a comedy shoaler. It's just
Speaker 1: not something that usual, A little odd and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to shows by myself, but like I'm hot
Speaker 1: in a way that looks good, like I'm going to
Speaker 1: kill myself at any moment, should I be worried and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be turned on, Like I have dark hair
Speaker 1: and now I have the nose ring, which I feel
Speaker 1: like has always been a part of me, even though
Speaker 1: it hasn't like I feel I feel complete now. Um.
Speaker 1: And and so the host goes, oh, actually, I think
Speaker 1: she's here to see you. And I was like, Sun,
Speaker 1: do you think you would not have told me that
Speaker 1: I'm not David tell his son son son tell me
Speaker 1: that ship. And he wasn't black. He was like the
Speaker 1: person that you should not say son too. Um. He
Speaker 1: was Commian named Rob Bryan. He's yeah and so and
Speaker 1: I was like what And I was like, she must
Speaker 1: listen to podcast. So then and I had already done
Speaker 1: my set, which was probably good that I didn't know,
Speaker 1: because then I would just like I talked about me
Speaker 1: to hold You've been like like fan here everybody like
Speaker 1: in a different way. And I talked about me the
Speaker 1: whole time when you're doing stand up, because that's what
Speaker 1: that's what stand up is. It's talking about yourself for
Speaker 1: X amount of minutes depending on how famous you are. Um,
Speaker 1: and yeah, so it's someone who came from Australia, not
Speaker 1: just to see me the way though, that would be
Speaker 1: awesome to see a friend. And then she was like,
Speaker 1: I love the Guys We Fought podcast I saw on
Speaker 1: my Facebook. Um, but I was performing somewhere and like
Speaker 1: fucking came out like a champ to the show boom.
Speaker 1: I was so excited. Her name is Liz and she's
Speaker 1: from Australia and she's here because I invited her friends
Speaker 1: texting me last night and like the middle of the
Speaker 1: night that woke me up and goes, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this adorable girl named Liz from Australia came to see
Speaker 1: my show because a fan of the podcast. I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's amazing. What happened to you the first plass on
Speaker 1: one from the podcast game you were so excited? Well
Speaker 1: she was. She like freaked out one night they said
Speaker 1: my credit. She didn't know I was gonna be there
Speaker 1: and I was like, what are you okay man? And
Speaker 1: her friend was like, she's just a really big fan
Speaker 1: of the podcast. I was like, oh my, I made
Speaker 1: it the whole audience clap for her. You guys was
Speaker 1: my first fan. You are understand. And then I walked
Speaker 1: home like two miles listen and Beyonce the whole time
Speaker 1: was looking awesome. Oh my god, let's bring Liz on
Speaker 1: real quick. Yeah, she's got a sexy accent. High Liz. Wait,
Speaker 1: talk to the talking to you gotta get real close
Speaker 1: to it. Hey, Christina, Oh my god, who just came?
Speaker 1: Just came? Just keep tell us about yourself? Oh god, Um, well,
Speaker 1: I'm here for a week from Australia. I'm mostly here
Speaker 1: because my ex boyfriend dumped me. I was supposed to
Speaker 1: go to Vietnam. Yeah, we're like, you really were supposed
Speaker 1: to go to Vietnam. That was the trip you had
Speaker 1: with your boyfriend. Other people travel out more than America.
Speaker 1: New York is better than Vietnam. I would think to
Speaker 1: go travel with. But I've also never been to Vietnam.
Speaker 1: I just I just my dad fought there once a
Speaker 1: lot of people's dads did. Yeah, there was a rumor
Speaker 1: something was going on, happen to Vietnam something. Want to ride? What? So?
Speaker 1: What do you do? I work in appetizing and phone
Speaker 1: sex operations apply I we have a lot of Australian fans,
Speaker 1: which is so cool. Yeah, how did you hear about
Speaker 1: the podcast on the post? So yeah, actually that that
Speaker 1: old thing, that publication. That's awesome. Yeah no, well Liz
Speaker 1: was timing you. We hung out after the show. That's awesome,
Speaker 1: as you do when you have one fan who's always
Speaker 1: got a trader right, baby, like please? And I always
Speaker 1: vowed when I was a little girl, I was like,
Speaker 1: when I'm famous, every head shot I said, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: return every fan letter. I'm like, not have I Sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not gonna respond to you. We haven't
Speaker 1: responded every email. We read them, though, when I definitely
Speaker 1: read them, Like I figured when I was famous, I
Speaker 1: also wouldn't work at a day spot for seven hours
Speaker 1: a day. Knows not the original pan and I get
Speaker 1: why it wouldn't be, but you know, life happens and
Speaker 1: you just gotta roll with it. But yeah, no, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry to Liz a lot, and we have We're very
Speaker 1: we had very similar kind of experiences. My favorite thing
Speaker 1: was what you said about you also like men with
Speaker 1: severe addiction problems. She's like, I like, I'm so Likerent
Speaker 1: because anyone looks homeless and like you love David tell
Speaker 1: people who have like mental issues, Dave, I'm there's Louis Gomez.
Speaker 1: I'll introduce um people, Louis Jay, Jesus Christ if you
Speaker 1: want to, if you want to keep getting I got.
Speaker 1: I had to get his number because I wanted to
Speaker 1: get in on the show and I entered him in
Speaker 1: my phone. Is Louis J. Gomez? That fucking assholes gotten
Speaker 1: into my brain? Yeah, it's happened. And now we've mentioned
Speaker 1: I'm on the podcast and they're there sky high their
Speaker 1: attitudes about themselves. So are you enjoying yourself in New York?
Speaker 1: I am. I've been having a lot of crazy night Yeah,
Speaker 1: did you hook up out with anybody? No? No, boys
Speaker 1: just like been hay out girls especially. I think I've
Speaker 1: had more fun. I was telling night I was at
Speaker 1: this house party full of doctors and that party. Yeah,
Speaker 1: house party full of doctors and they were doing weird
Speaker 1: and acid and I was just like, as it's like
Speaker 1: what I like that they were doing? We would you
Speaker 1: smoke weed? No? I'm not into weed. But my ex
Speaker 1: was like because just just boys with beard and like plaids,
Speaker 1: like doctors, Like, um, what do you call it when
Speaker 1: you give birth, but like the sucking the fucking midwife. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't mean this was a fun game that
Speaker 1: we're playing. I had really had no idea what you
Speaker 1: were watching any movie with my dad? Who's the guy?
Speaker 1: What's the thing? I don't know that. Then you just
Speaker 1: snapped and I was like, maybe I do know what
Speaker 1: you're talking about. The urgency. So we're so happy to
Speaker 1: have you on. Yeah, thank you for having me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: your coolest ship. And you know it's good that the
Speaker 1: one the first person to come surprise me number one
Speaker 1: was a female. I was so happy. That's really exciting.
Speaker 1: But no one likes when a weird guy shows up
Speaker 1: and you're cool and you're and you were really like
Speaker 1: you were really entertaining. I was very entertained because after
Speaker 1: a show, like, I'm actually not a big talker, like
Speaker 1: at a lot of times during the day, I actually
Speaker 1: just like to sit and do nothing, just like stare
Speaker 1: into space. Um, but this was very entertaining. So thank you.
Speaker 1: And you bought me to drink. I was super nice.
Speaker 1: I was gonna drunk. Yeah, it was. It was a
Speaker 1: lot of our fans, right, So like I just want
Speaker 1: to get your girl's waist and I'm like, I will
Speaker 1: accept that. Yeah said yeah, so um it's gonna be
Speaker 1: awesome and Liz is gonna be sitting in as we
Speaker 1: bring on our guest, Craig. Can you look at your
Speaker 1: paperwork that I printed out for you and just read
Speaker 1: the top line real quick. Oh my god, Craig, which
Speaker 1: uh oh it says it says, guys be calling Craig
Speaker 1: Mahtti episode. That was my joke. Guys, I wrote that joke.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you so much. That was really good.
Speaker 1: And I think this is fun because this is like
Speaker 1: this is this this soap opera, the Craig Mahoney so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you haven't listen to the live episode, would you love?
Speaker 1: You haven't? Uh? He was on it because he produced
Speaker 1: the Jersey City Comedies Festival and Karin he came to
Speaker 1: the festival before he did. Karine has had a crush
Speaker 1: on him, and she was like, she, You're gonna make
Speaker 1: fun of me so much because he's gonna walk in
Speaker 1: and be like I don't get it, which is what
Speaker 1: I usually do. When I and he walked in and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, you were so hot, and then
Speaker 1: we just got this energy of like because he kind
Speaker 1: of like thought it was flattering. We just like, we're like,
Speaker 1: I just want to touch your ass. Yeah, we were
Speaker 1: a good vibe and then he sucked him. We conquered mahanti.
Speaker 1: There's there's some talk on that, but we discuss. All right,
Speaker 1: let's bring him in, yeah, shall we? Yes? All right,
Speaker 1: let's go so high, ladies and gentlemen, we're here with Craig. Maha, mahoney, Sorry, mahoney,
Speaker 1: I wrote, Craig, if anybody wants me to submit to
Speaker 1: any late night show right now. It's like you're flattered,
Speaker 1: but you also like we actually did this. Yeahs do
Speaker 1: you think do you think that we're making fun of
Speaker 1: you know? Oh, it sounds like we are, but we're
Speaker 1: really sounds like we are, like we're making fun of
Speaker 1: your personality sometimes but not you're not ever your looks
Speaker 1: those are thumbs up. Thank you. I appreciate that. No,
Speaker 1: I never got the feeling that you were making fun
Speaker 1: of mean, I took it as a compliment. So I
Speaker 1: just don't know how to react to that. You know,
Speaker 1: when I feel like girls haven't hit on you aggressively before.
Speaker 1: You're very attractive than you I also feel like you
Speaker 1: give us permission to aggressively hit on you, meaning that
Speaker 1: when we say these things you laugh. So we're like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna keep doing it, you know, community,
Speaker 1: I know, I just I don't know. I I guess
Speaker 1: I've been well. First of all, because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: It's not because you're doing it in a different sort
Speaker 1: of setting. It's not like we were in a bar
Speaker 1: and I was a stranger. You probably would not be
Speaker 1: behaving like this you're doing it. I would, I would
Speaker 1: not putt But I M no, I don't know. It's
Speaker 1: sking weird. It's just weird. I don't I don't get
Speaker 1: hit on usually like that stuff. You have all the elements.
Speaker 1: I'm looking for tattoos in a dick and eyes and
Speaker 1: done so. Uh so, Karin late night texted you when
Speaker 1: I when was it almost like last week week? And
Speaker 1: you were on board that you could always tell if
Speaker 1: you're gonna suck by the response, does he even remember?
Speaker 1: Do you remember? No, here's what I remember. Yeah, please don't.
Speaker 1: Let's like I want to hear Craig. Yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to assume your conscious for conscious for the whole thing,
Speaker 1: I us that's conscious or having a conscious Yeah, both things.
Speaker 1: I was at the I was at the Yankee game
Speaker 1: Wednesday night. I was the Yankee stadium and afterwards, yeah,
Speaker 1: what does that even mean? She said that I just
Speaker 1: had a hot talk. I don't mind. I love hot talks.
Speaker 1: I was starving. I was like, I here, here's why
Speaker 1: I even ended up being Yankee Stadium. I was sick.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to go. I almost like bailed. I
Speaker 1: was really stadium. No. I mean, I'm a Yankee fan
Speaker 1: and I was planning on going. Adam Mamawala. It was
Speaker 1: a comedian from Illinois. All Right, we don't need to
Speaker 1: be plugging out of what I'm just saying. He's from Illinois,
Speaker 1: so he's a huge Cubs fan. The Cubs came like
Speaker 1: one of their rare appearances Yankee Stadium and he asked
Speaker 1: me like months ago if I would go to this
Speaker 1: game with him, and I'm like, I can't cancel. Last
Speaker 1: minute on I was just literally like I hadn't left
Speaker 1: the house and like a couple, he was very sea.
Speaker 1: So I was. I was there on like I was
Speaker 1: there on like day quill and like pop drops and stuff,
Speaker 1: and I was like, well, you know, let me. Uh,
Speaker 1: I was like, should I drink? Should I have a beer?
Speaker 1: Should I have it? I'm like, you don't what screw it?
Speaker 1: Because it was cold and I was feeling sick, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, the only way I'm going to get through
Speaker 1: this is just to bear it up and not feeling anything,
Speaker 1: you know. So I so I started doing so I
Speaker 1: had I had a few guinness at the stadium, and
Speaker 1: then uh I had like four uh over the course
Speaker 1: of an entire baseball game, which is it's nine innings
Speaker 1: by the way. I don't know if you don't explain
Speaker 1: American baseball because she's stupid and she has no idea
Speaker 1: what they have baseball in Australia. She might not know
Speaker 1: the right Do you know about baseball? I know, I know,
Speaker 1: all right, so you know, I know, I know. Women
Speaker 1: in America, I don't know. Do you even know about
Speaker 1: Do you know about these? Do you have a computer?
Speaker 1: I think I'm sure she knows about it. That doesn't
Speaker 1: she knows there's nine innings in a game. I mean,
Speaker 1: I had no clue. And my dad owns a baseball
Speaker 1: card store, like legitimately, I'm from Philly. I have to
Speaker 1: know a baseball, fair Weather fans and that time when
Speaker 1: it comes through Phillies. When it comes to Phillies, yeah,
Speaker 1: they're all dicks. You have to admit it's it's a
Speaker 1: hockey football time first. Anyway, So here we go, uh
Speaker 1: so so, So the funny thing is, so I I
Speaker 1: end up. I was. I was freaking starving at the
Speaker 1: I didn't eat during the game, and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: need to get some food in me. So after the game,
Speaker 1: I go to buy a hot dog at the cart
Speaker 1: I'm always towards getting into the subway. And this this
Speaker 1: kid this that was like three bucks whatever. So this
Speaker 1: this little h this a little like twelve year old
Speaker 1: kid comes up. He's selling fucking candy and the thing
Speaker 1: and he goes, hey, you want to buy some candy
Speaker 1: And I'm like, nah, I don't have the money. I'm
Speaker 1: like getting hot dog. Here he goes, he goes, what
Speaker 1: do you mean you don't have the money? You have
Speaker 1: money for a freaking, sit disgusting hot dog. You can't
Speaker 1: buy my candy? And I'm like and I'm like no,
Speaker 1: I'm like no, I don't I don't want I don't
Speaker 1: want any candy. I got the hot dog man what
Speaker 1: do you mean you got you got the money for
Speaker 1: this disgusting And I'm like, I don't want your damn candy.
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm like, first of all their airheads, they suck.
Speaker 1: It's not even a good candy. I don't want any
Speaker 1: He goes, He goes, you don't want to spend money
Speaker 1: on my candy to help my school out, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: yet your schools like your uncle's. I'm like, no checking account.
Speaker 1: And here's where I started just getting angry at the
Speaker 1: kid because you wouldn't leave me alone. And I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: because you're never going to amount to anything anyway. Oh ma, honey,
Speaker 1: Now I'm back. And that was good. And he's like,
Speaker 1: he's like, what you bet I bet? I was like,
Speaker 1: I bet you a thousand dollars. You never meant to
Speaker 1: a damn thing in your life. And then and then
Speaker 1: I went to the children. It was my curb your
Speaker 1: enthusiasm moment. That was my Larry David was getting into
Speaker 1: a fight with a thirteen year old. But that I'm on,
Speaker 1: like fucking like ni quill And what bothers me about
Speaker 1: that story is not what happened in the story. It's
Speaker 1: that this is the second time I've told told I've
Speaker 1: listened to this story. Craig thinks this story is so
Speaker 1: important that he has told it once to me personally
Speaker 1: at a bar, and then a second time on the podcast.
Speaker 1: It's a pretty entertaining story. The idea of you fighting
Speaker 1: with a child prepared this story. I did not prepare
Speaker 1: the story. I like the story. I think you mentioned
Speaker 1: that I smelled like hot dogs. I was explaining the
Speaker 1: whole buying a need to tell that story. You know,
Speaker 1: you really paved the way from me, open up the
Speaker 1: damn door. So so I left, and I'm like, you
Speaker 1: know what, because I had just finished everything up with
Speaker 1: the Jersey comedy fests. I hadn't left Jersey City in
Speaker 1: like weeks, you know, and I just had my head up,
Speaker 1: like just dealing with the stupid festival and just being
Speaker 1: in producer mode and being in community organized whatever, goddamn
Speaker 1: politics and bullshit and just local and I was just
Speaker 1: I was kind of I love living in Jersey City.
Speaker 1: I loving the festival there, I love working and everything there.
Speaker 1: But I was fucking sick at death of Jersey City
Speaker 1: for a while, and I was ready to get back
Speaker 1: into New York. And start like hanging out with comics
Speaker 1: and just being back in the sea. So even though
Speaker 1: I was kind of tired, but I was I was
Speaker 1: just buzzed up enough that I'm like, fuck it, I'm
Speaker 1: in New York. I'm gonna go head down to the
Speaker 1: village LOWERA Side and just and just seeing any shows
Speaker 1: like shows I know going on. And I can't remember
Speaker 1: if you texted me or I texted you, but texted you.
Speaker 1: I texted you you said you have fat Baby, and
Speaker 1: I was like, great, because this is exactly what I
Speaker 1: wanted to do, was go check out like b where
Speaker 1: comics are hanging out and right, what was the text
Speaker 1: you sent him? Exactly? Um? I mean I could go
Speaker 1: back to it? Is it like, hey, you want to
Speaker 1: Wasn't it like? No? I wasn't hey you want to? Funk? Wait, Well,
Speaker 1: you talk about something else and I'll find this. So
Speaker 1: so you didn't did when you got the text and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, yeah, actually I'll come in. It wasn't
Speaker 1: like home get lights on. No, it was I was like,
Speaker 1: I was like, awesome, I want to go to Fat
Speaker 1: Baby and hang out and like see a bunch of comments.
Speaker 1: Wasn't Yeah, she didn't even think that for a second. Well,
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, she might have that in the
Speaker 1: back of her mind, and she was joking. I don't
Speaker 1: know if she. I did never tell she's joking or
Speaker 1: serious or whatever when I was just the demeanor with
Speaker 1: you and her is joking, but she is really serious.
Speaker 1: Whatever says she that's a very current thing to do.
Speaker 1: Is like be like, you're a dick. What I was
Speaker 1: just kidding, But like everything she says to you is
Speaker 1: flattering and serious. I found out later on anything serious.
Speaker 1: So here's the deal. So so we get so I'm
Speaker 1: already so I'm already kind of tired, I got a
Speaker 1: cold going, I'm full of like freaking cough, medicine and
Speaker 1: ship and beer and a little bit of whiskey and whiskey.
Speaker 1: So it didn't take along like I kind of I know,
Speaker 1: we we we didn't hanging out, and I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, we want to go hang out have a beer.
Speaker 1: And it was one of those things where I was like,
Speaker 1: I was just fucking super in the mood to just
Speaker 1: hang out. And I had that going on, and and
Speaker 1: she looked cute. Yet the haircut, that comment fucking haircut,
Speaker 1: and you heard that, but I was saying to myself,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I like listening, Creig. I know you're
Speaker 1: you're sacking beard up and you want to get laid
Speaker 1: uh tonight and I know you want to get but
Speaker 1: you're not talking. Karin, do not conca. So I said
Speaker 1: on the podcast, are you fuck comedians? And if I
Speaker 1: took that back, everyone would nice me the case because
Speaker 1: look at look at where you are. What was that, Vinny?
Speaker 1: What was that? Was the Tvolt welcome back? It wasn't
Speaker 1: or whatever? I got the Yeah, sure, so you're all
Speaker 1: too young for that reference. I'm not too young for that.
Speaker 1: I can google it and understand it afterwards. Not too young.
Speaker 1: I have technology by my side anyway, So you met up.
Speaker 1: That's a that'll be like the new like that, like
Speaker 1: the Jesus bumper stick. Or you'll say like I have
Speaker 1: technology by my side, like I have Google by my side. Okays,
Speaker 1: I I leave you got the text. I see what
Speaker 1: I did here, and this would do quite a move Karen. Okay,
Speaker 1: And just just just to preface this, Christina knows and
Speaker 1: probably people listen like, um, if I ask you how
Speaker 1: you're doing, I don't care. He doesn't care. So my text,
Speaker 1: my opening text, it's like what, like, what do you want? Wednesday,
Speaker 1: April six pm text to Craig Mooney, are you okay?
Speaker 1: Still feel like shit? Because I knew he was sick
Speaker 1: from Facebook and I know I knew the way to
Speaker 1: Craig mahon heart because I know he seems like a
Speaker 1: nice person and I was like his and I was like, rinn,
Speaker 1: think like a nice person. What would a nice person say? Egotistical?
Speaker 1: So the thing is to ask about me and how
Speaker 1: I'm doing. Yeah, the text the text I got in
Speaker 1: response was I'm half drunk outside of Yankee Stadium right now.
Speaker 1: We'll find out tomorrow whether it helps or hurts my health.
Speaker 1: Thank you for asking. Then, Karen, did you do a
Speaker 1: little like inlaid It's gonna happen? No? No, no, Then
Speaker 1: we talked about some stuff that where are we? Uh?
Speaker 1: And then I say, wait, this is this is my
Speaker 1: response to thank you for asking? Though I go, well,
Speaker 1: I can help should you not feel well again tomorrow? Oh?
Speaker 1: Sh nice? Can I just say? And this is uh,
Speaker 1: this is one of the many like things I love
Speaker 1: about being single. When you want to fund somebody, I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not single. But like when I when I
Speaker 1: she wasn't born dating Stephen, we came out of the
Speaker 1: room together. It's actually my brother's um. But so one
Speaker 1: of the things that was most exciting is when you
Speaker 1: really want to suck somebody and the moment where you
Speaker 1: get the text where you realize, yep, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: It's like the most euphoric that well. Well, and then
Speaker 1: the guys are maybe it's a girl thing. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Craig did send me that text, and that was what
Speaker 1: followed my very sexual text. Uh. And that that text
Speaker 1: from Craig was where are you at right now? It's
Speaker 1: going down. I just dropped my phone because it has
Speaker 1: an otter box and I can do that. I can't.
Speaker 1: My phone cracked. Um. Yeah, and then we you know,
Speaker 1: we's exchange some directions blah blah blah, boring ship, get
Speaker 1: your asks mahoney. Uh, and you did, and you went
Speaker 1: to fat baby because I wanted but here I said,
Speaker 1: where are you at? Because I was like, literally like
Speaker 1: I want to meet like if you're out at a
Speaker 1: show or why I want to meet up with you
Speaker 1: if you're there, and you were, oh, you might not
Speaker 1: have known. We were working at that point, but she did.
Speaker 1: I knew we were. We don't even know if we fought. Okay,
Speaker 1: I was just gonna get to that. I was gonna
Speaker 1: get to that. I was gonna get to wait, I did.
Speaker 1: I did say last week. I was like, God blessed
Speaker 1: Craig Mahony. So because you won my heart when you
Speaker 1: woke up in the morning and you looked up at
Speaker 1: me and you said, did we have sex last night?
Speaker 1: And I was like, hello, nurse if I had a
Speaker 1: nickel for every time I heard that question, And I know,
Speaker 1: here's the thing, Like I said, I'm on fucking like
Speaker 1: cold medicine, drinking all night. I literally I remember as leaving,
Speaker 1: I think we went to another ball. Did we went
Speaker 1: to the Magician where the magician I got roofied there.
Speaker 1: I don't know why I went back there, but no, no,
Speaker 1: obviously I wanted to go back. Disclaimer disclaimer to everyone.
Speaker 1: I got roofied by a guy I knew who has
Speaker 1: since committed suicide, so I knew he wasn't. Oh, then
Speaker 1: it's okay, he killed himself. It's funny. You know, it's
Speaker 1: not funny, But everything is funny after a certain point
Speaker 1: because that's how I deal with things. Um, sorry, I agree,
Speaker 1: It's fine. It's I mean, I don't know what to say.
Speaker 1: He's what do you say? Anyway, let's sucking. Suck the
Speaker 1: suicide think. Okay, I don't do that. Don't kill the
Speaker 1: suicide guy. If she did, she would be dead. We
Speaker 1: only podcast wouldn't happen. We only meet out and then
Speaker 1: I got pushed into a cab by my friends. Uh
Speaker 1: and I ate a hammog and cheese bagel. So that's
Speaker 1: suicide guy. Yeah, because he roofied me. I really I was.
Speaker 1: I had never felt I mean, I've been drunk, but
Speaker 1: that was never been that if it was really disturbed.
Speaker 1: That's why you tell himself is because it takes a
Speaker 1: lot to kill yourself. We have a question for my
Speaker 1: guy who's been like hospitalized for depression. You guys are
Speaker 1: belonging together, Liz, have you ever been rufied? I haven't.
Speaker 1: In Australia is not like an American, I think, Oh no,
Speaker 1: you get hypno, like the whole Strengthuili same thing. Yeah
Speaker 1: rufranqu Yeah, but hypno and they're the same ruf and
Speaker 1: sort of the same type of drunk. Okay, haven't hasn't
Speaker 1: happened to me. But you knock on wood, Liz table
Speaker 1: and this and this might be like a horrible, horrible stereotype,
Speaker 1: but aren't like Australian guys, that type of guys who
Speaker 1: were like, well, we don't even need the bother of rufies.
Speaker 1: We're just gonna throw you over our shoulder and take
Speaker 1: you any Really, That's that's what the stand up show
Speaker 1: last night one of the other guys are pretty much
Speaker 1: saying how easy Australians are there are they sexually? I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not saying that the women are. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that the women are easy. I'm saying that the
Speaker 1: men are aggressive. You. Oh yeah they are? Yea, yeah,
Speaker 1: Well we like guys to you know, throw us around.
Speaker 1: It was nice like you. We don't like you. I'm
Speaker 1: calling the cops. You know what I mean? Well, I
Speaker 1: mean and when and when Liz says sexually, what she
Speaker 1: means is Russaman Eve called her a skank from stage,
Speaker 1: just that you that was very polite of you, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to call him out on I just assume
Speaker 1: everyone in Australia is naturally tougher anyway. I don't know
Speaker 1: because you have spiders and ship you know, yeah, thinking
Speaker 1: animals that that just can kill you just landing on
Speaker 1: your skin, but they're just part of your life growing
Speaker 1: up there in your backyard. It's amazing. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just I I was actually on my because it
Speaker 1: was like running late here and I'm freaking like jogging
Speaker 1: through the park listening to but I'm listening. I'm listening
Speaker 1: to a C d C. And it's like that awesome power,
Speaker 1: you know, just like bring the ra a little a
Speaker 1: little mix of Brian Johnson and Bond Scott you know there.
Speaker 1: And let me tell you, Craig did smell like you
Speaker 1: ran through Central Park when he walked in, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't even care. I don't mind. You
Speaker 1: smell like a man, So I like you. That's how
Speaker 1: much I cared about getting here on time. I got
Speaker 1: like a backpack with like microphones and a laptop. Don't
Speaker 1: patch yourself on the back because I was a fucking
Speaker 1: moron and got on the sixth instead of the one.
Speaker 1: It's okay, maybe, yeah, it's okay. Cut through the park
Speaker 1: like Louis Tully and Ghostbusters. I'm running around, idiot. Anytime
Speaker 1: someone anytime someone makes a fucking Ghostbusters reference, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's gonna end up in my posting. O Jesus, the reference,
Speaker 1: the reference, you write it down, you folded up like
Speaker 1: a fortune cookie and vagina, someone else take it around.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's come true. So I guess I can't really
Speaker 1: ask you about the sex or like anything. Don't remember?
Speaker 1: Ask her? I don't remember. I don't. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: a lot. Is it happening a lot the majority of
Speaker 1: my twenties but not recently? Yes, you know. The thing
Speaker 1: is never not remember fucking oh I always don't. It
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, it does. I say this on the podcast
Speaker 1: every week. I obviously haven't been listening like it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter because I listened to for the festivals, like all right,
Speaker 1: they're fine. I right, they're fine, Not like we have
Speaker 1: a half a million almost followers, aren't. I won the
Speaker 1: when when I woke up and my pants were off
Speaker 1: and I was next to Craig mahoney, I won, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I won, But I'm just competing. How don't I get
Speaker 1: completely naked? Because she probably was like, get the that
Speaker 1: that fucking shirt off because I actually do remember, like
Speaker 1: tearing your clothes off because I because this is like
Speaker 1: no one this morning, no one takes my shirt off
Speaker 1: because no one's interested. Everyone just wants to get to
Speaker 1: that sweet sweet ecs. Everybody's trying to get. That's what
Speaker 1: I tell myself. I tell myself my ass is so
Speaker 1: good that no one even cares. But I think in reality,
Speaker 1: they're just like her. Tips are so small that like
Speaker 1: we don't even need to take I've seen turn you over.
Speaker 1: I've seen every old boy before, no need, no need
Speaker 1: that a twelve year old was trying to sell you
Speaker 1: candy a bigger tips. So I'm trying to say, definitely okay,
Speaker 1: So you don't remember goddamn thing, Craig, I remember the
Speaker 1: other bar. Remember do you remember making out a lot?
Speaker 1: I remember making out? Who initiated that? Probably probably I was.
Speaker 1: I mean from the moment you walked into Fat Baby,
Speaker 1: I was like, I was mine. My hand was on
Speaker 1: your chest and I was stroking you now because I
Speaker 1: first walked Because I first walked into the street to
Speaker 1: the bar, he didn't even say hello to me. He
Speaker 1: walked straight to the bar. I walked over to the
Speaker 1: CHRISTI I said hi to the producers a fat baby,
Speaker 1: and then Benda Marco gave me a really nice, awesome,
Speaker 1: like Pep talk about some ship and it was cool.
Speaker 1: Bend Marco, Please, for the love of God, book Craig mahoney,
Speaker 1: so this all could be worth it for and Chris.
Speaker 1: I haven't guys, what's the guy's name, Ben, I don't
Speaker 1: know anybody's name. That's a fun show your name. No.
Speaker 1: I walked in and I don't think I saw you
Speaker 1: because you were sitting down, and I went into the
Speaker 1: bar and I saw some guys I know, when we
Speaker 1: just started talking and then but it was it was
Speaker 1: a good talk, which I won't you know, it wasn't private,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't you know. I don't don't want to
Speaker 1: bore you with the details of it, please don't. But
Speaker 1: it was nice to like Pep talk about He's like,
Speaker 1: you're doing great ship and all this stuff, you know,
Speaker 1: that sort of thing, and it was it was fun.
Speaker 1: And then you were like, hey, you know, and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, hey, look you got a haircut. Haircut.
Speaker 1: I guess we're gonna I think it was more like
Speaker 1: I lunged onto Craig and he backed it far into
Speaker 1: the bar as he could. The thing was it was
Speaker 1: It was funny because I always like I knew I
Speaker 1: was making progress with you, because I felt like when
Speaker 1: I first started this whole nonsense, this whole bit that
Speaker 1: I'm doing. When you first met him, were you like
Speaker 1: mm always the first reverse time? Remember the first time
Speaker 1: I met him, I was with Lance Weeks and we
Speaker 1: had gone to a show um in Jersey City that
Speaker 1: he was producing, packed guys, millions, millions of people. There
Speaker 1: was a line around the box and that's the last
Speaker 1: one we had. Had a fun time. But I walked
Speaker 1: in and I was like, holy ship, this dude's like
Speaker 1: really hot. I think I said that to Lance and
Speaker 1: he goes creg like you said, that's what everyone says hot. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wait wait, females are been and they're jealous. I don't
Speaker 1: give a ship and then don't get John No. But
Speaker 1: I think I think there's like there's only a certain
Speaker 1: type of guy where you look at you like, no, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's good, like other guys compliment his look. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: McGovern and everyone says he's hot because but also a
Speaker 1: lot of a lot of a lot of guys, a
Speaker 1: lot of guys too, are just uncomfortable saying any dudes hot.
Speaker 1: But I think once you know somebody well enough and
Speaker 1: you're comfortable with them, like looking dude, I mean, I
Speaker 1: guess if you're like, he's so hot, maybe problem saying
Speaker 1: the dude's good looking Cannon hot or not? Craig Honey,
Speaker 1: Mike Cannon, I wouldn't say hot. Oh, then get that
Speaker 1: he's a good looking guy. He lost him white recently.
Speaker 1: He was fat. He just he just slimmed down a little.
Speaker 1: He didn't like there was a lot, but I hope
Speaker 1: I don't think he listens. Oh, he definitely doesn't listen. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: there he would have been. It was because I haven't,
Speaker 1: like clearly have not shaved in a while, and like
Speaker 1: something like it. There was a brawny man somebody over
Speaker 1: the week where I had like a little less beard
Speaker 1: than this half and it was like from whatever the
Speaker 1: angle was or something like like Mike Cannon, just from
Speaker 1: the half beard like an older like an older older
Speaker 1: Mike Cannon with a stronger jaw. And it's funny, we
Speaker 1: both think Mike and Craig a hot. Both hot. Craig
Speaker 1: is more of my type, though Mike's funny. I think
Speaker 1: Mike's great guy. I love Mike. Oh, Mike's definitely funnier
Speaker 1: than you, but we're different kinds. No, you're you're so
Speaker 1: smoking hot crack. Okay, I mean, come on, you know
Speaker 1: I don't do have Craig is not funny. I'm just
Speaker 1: I'm just messing with him. You are funny, but Mike can'
Speaker 1: I mean, my canon is mikew We asked people to
Speaker 1: tweet at us questions and I wanted to share them
Speaker 1: with the group. Okay, this guy named Larry the lamaf
Speaker 1: is this. Yeah, we asked the before like, hey, you guys,
Speaker 1: we're about to record. He said, Let's say you went
Speaker 1: to give someone head and saw an awkward bumper mark.
Speaker 1: How would you handle the situation? Is that bump or
Speaker 1: mark or bumper mark, bump or it's a bumper mark.
Speaker 1: I don't know she had a bumper mark. I couldn't
Speaker 1: do it like a car hit, you go to the
Speaker 1: burn on her inner thigh. I don't know. That's never
Speaker 1: happened to me. This ever happened to me, And I
Speaker 1: do look, I do look, but most people have most
Speaker 1: of the people have had sex, with the exception of
Speaker 1: one person I knew really well. So I feel like
Speaker 1: I do look at them. Do you look? Do you
Speaker 1: same it? Well? No, you don't even like I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I don't know if I went
Speaker 1: that would indicate I don't know if I went down
Speaker 1: on her. So you are just you do Actually if
Speaker 1: condom you didn't go down, Oh, then I was. Then
Speaker 1: I was definitely out of it. Um, because that's in
Speaker 1: the repertoire. That's what again, Because I'm very upset right now.
Speaker 1: Do you ever look at the privates for a little
Speaker 1: How can I look my face? No, I'm saying, how
Speaker 1: can you not look my faces? If it's dark, if
Speaker 1: you're drunk and in notional lights. I don't hook up
Speaker 1: in the dark. Oh, I always look. I'm a lights
Speaker 1: on sex kind of girl. Yeah, I like. I like
Speaker 1: handle penis. I love I loved all the lights on
Speaker 1: because I want to see what I'm getting. That's the
Speaker 1: thing you're talking about Christmas before. But like for me,
Speaker 1: sex and the dark is like he's like going down
Speaker 1: to the Christmas tree with the lights off. You can't
Speaker 1: see what you're sucking. I don't want to be pitch
Speaker 1: black candle jazz fusion, No, I want to No, I
Speaker 1: like lighting, dim lighting, is the best to fucking because
Speaker 1: you could see everybody but like your skin looks like
Speaker 1: you don't eat, no one looks shitty and dim lighting.
Speaker 1: I loved dim lighting. Yeah, I mean I just figured
Speaker 1: that if someone's gotten that far that they're fucking. I mean,
Speaker 1: they don't think I look that shitty, So like game
Speaker 1: on whatever. So som er held or I don't know.
Speaker 1: I didn't pronounce that right, but I don't know. He asked, Yeah,
Speaker 1: can you help me with my penis? It's not straight,
Speaker 1: it's just bending towards the right, you know, do you
Speaker 1: know a way to have it straight? Now? It's not good. Well,
Speaker 1: I talked up with a lot of guys with like
Speaker 1: to the left, to the right, to the up to
Speaker 1: the down, and it's great. It's not I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1: I mean, whether not it matters or not. Dude, that's
Speaker 1: your dick. You can't make friends with it. Now. That's
Speaker 1: just like one of those things like everybody's got a
Speaker 1: certain little weird thing about them. They don't like. That's
Speaker 1: just you know what, you're not like that. Here's the thing, though,
Speaker 1: this is a good thing. It's it's it's not like
Speaker 1: you've got some sort of weird, like blotch on your
Speaker 1: face that you're concerned about birthmark. This is the thing
Speaker 1: that you can walk around in public with all the time.
Speaker 1: Most people are never going to see. By the time
Speaker 1: does see it, she's there, it's not gonna weird. He
Speaker 1: rout to the point where she's like, no, say something
Speaker 1: beforehand and be like, oh, man, with dick so dilted
Speaker 1: to the right anyway you want to have to the right.
Speaker 1: Is it a boomerang? That might you might be into that.
Speaker 1: That was me. That was a Christina, my Australian accent.
Speaker 1: I just like, but if I had a crooked dick,
Speaker 1: which I don't um, I would I don't know. If
Speaker 1: I was really self conscious, I might like give a
Speaker 1: little hint. But I don't think that's anything to be
Speaker 1: self conscious about because I don't give a ship I
Speaker 1: worked up with guys with. It would have to be
Speaker 1: really weird, maybe like a hook, and then I'd be like, yeah, like,
Speaker 1: but that's it's not is that even It's like I'm
Speaker 1: going to have to come out like perpendicular wise, like
Speaker 1: a fucking slat bracelet, like curled up, like what is that? Like?
Speaker 1: Is it's so crooked that I that I can feel
Speaker 1: the crookedness as it's entering my vagina. If the answer
Speaker 1: is no, we're actually that might be an advantage because
Speaker 1: you can angle if you have a straight do you
Speaker 1: have a cup? Yeah? One guy I hooked up with
Speaker 1: I would love to be on the podcast one day.
Speaker 1: It was curved up and it was wonderful because when
Speaker 1: he banged me from behind, I was like, there it is.
Speaker 1: It was nice, so very very slight upward curve. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, do you think I remember what was? Remember
Speaker 1: your sey? I'm sorry, but yours is better than everyone.
Speaker 1: Mine is a special little snowflake that will never melt.
Speaker 1: This is why it's never gonna work with us. He
Speaker 1: needs way too much. Like I like, I went out
Speaker 1: of my way to be extra nice to cry because
Speaker 1: I knew he needed it. That's how much wish. But
Speaker 1: you're you're sensitive soul, and that's that's how much I
Speaker 1: wanted to fund you. Craig has an illness guy lying guys.
Speaker 1: I wanted to fun Craig Mahoney so badly that I
Speaker 1: was nice to him. Yeah, I was. I gave compliments.
Speaker 1: I was like, how I don't know you Corin I
Speaker 1: went out of my fucking one. I wish I was
Speaker 1: lying on Gilbert trinkling, you're so tr no and this
Speaker 1: while Craig is talking like, I will say, like the
Speaker 1: vibrations of his voice in the microphone into my headphones
Speaker 1: to pants making me around wow, okay um, I will
Speaker 1: say and tell me what you think on this. Stephen,
Speaker 1: my boyfriend is has always has made that comment of like,
Speaker 1: I wish women would be a little more aggressive when
Speaker 1: they're hitting on men and say, yeah, I think you're attractive.
Speaker 1: I want to go out with you instead of men
Speaker 1: having to do all the work, because sometimes it's just
Speaker 1: nice to hear. And when he went to when we
Speaker 1: were in I went New Year's Eve, the last half
Speaker 1: of New Year's Eve together, when we're in a gay
Speaker 1: bar and Stephen got eaten a live man, he goes,
Speaker 1: you know what, why want women pay attention to men
Speaker 1: that they're attraction to you like this? What are your thoughts?
Speaker 1: Do you like the way Current treats to you? Or
Speaker 1: do you would you wish that you like anyone's ever
Speaker 1: said yes to that question? To you like the way
Speaker 1: Current treat you? It's the montage of us the Nope no,
Speaker 1: not at all. I hope I never see her again. Nope,
Speaker 1: may day. If I think, I think if most most
Speaker 1: guys I don't think are as aggressive as No, not true,
Speaker 1: but I'm not that aggressive. I mean, I think most
Speaker 1: girls can get the idea like when a guy likes
Speaker 1: so he's sitting on her. But I think, I mean
Speaker 1: a lot of guys are aggressive, but I think it
Speaker 1: kind of backfires on them. The guys that are too
Speaker 1: aggressive does. But most most guys find that sweet spot
Speaker 1: and letting you know, like I'm interested, but I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be too much. And most women just don't do
Speaker 1: that at all. But I know a lot of women,
Speaker 1: and I think for me too, because guys, you're just
Speaker 1: so not used to it. Whatever, Like girl hits on you, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I thought we had a
Speaker 1: nice conversation, she was cool, had a beer and we
Speaker 1: both like the Yankees and whatever, and it's like, no, dude,
Speaker 1: she wants to fuck you. And I was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: a lot of guys are clueless. When my next wife
Speaker 1: and I met twice, she hit on me twice two
Speaker 1: different occasions within a week, at two different The first
Speaker 1: time I had no idea, and it was the second
Speaker 1: time and it literally was like one of like we
Speaker 1: had a mutual friend that gave to me. He's like, dude,
Speaker 1: the fucking blonde chick likes you fucking talk to her.
Speaker 1: I was clue, and that's gets frustrating for the woman.
Speaker 1: But it's like, I guess, if you're the woman and
Speaker 1: you're hitting on a guy and he's not getting it,
Speaker 1: be aggressive. You know what I'm saying, Well, that's what
Speaker 1: I was hanging on. Aggressively when he came to see
Speaker 1: me a fat baby and then like came to see
Speaker 1: her came. I'm sorry when he came to network and
Speaker 1: tell everyone that he was a producer of the Jersey
Speaker 1: City Comedy. I didn't come to say that. I came
Speaker 1: to tell people that I'm a fucking comic and I'm
Speaker 1: looking to start being a comic, yard which I asked
Speaker 1: my smart My biggest regret about our what our weather,
Speaker 1: we had sex or not. My biggest regret was that
Speaker 1: I didn't wear the Jersey City Comedy little T shirt
Speaker 1: while doing it. That would have been that's a college
Speaker 1: humor video. Well that they was, we were making it.
Speaker 1: We we don't think we started making up to the
Speaker 1: second bar, so we were in fact baby, and I
Speaker 1: was like and then he and then he like like
Speaker 1: he had been defeated, looked up at me and goes,
Speaker 1: you want to like go grab a drink somewhere else.
Speaker 1: It was not like yes, it was like you know,
Speaker 1: not that not that you weren't attracted to me. But
Speaker 1: I think like you just knew that I had won
Speaker 1: the battle and you were just giving in. I had
Speaker 1: I had bit you, and I was dragging you at
Speaker 1: this point in the night onward. I'm a fairly unreliable narrator,
Speaker 1: so I don't know. We made out a lot in
Speaker 1: the Magician where Also, they don't take cards, guys, so
Speaker 1: just bring cash if you ever go. Oh, I say
Speaker 1: you that they don't card Like no, no, no, they
Speaker 1: don't bring they don't. Minors don't do that. Drink at home, assholes. Um,
Speaker 1: you have nice teeth. Yeah, I've always been coming. You
Speaker 1: licked his teeth. Well, when you're kissing somebody sometimes do
Speaker 1: a graze the front of the teeth with your tongue.
Speaker 1: That's good, it's fun for the one that I'm missing.
Speaker 1: I I have very nice tea. Yeah, what you do
Speaker 1: when a person is a bad kisser, go away. No,
Speaker 1: but this is exactly a problem we're talking about earlier,
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, you're not compatible and you either
Speaker 1: talk it through or be fucking stay and wind up
Speaker 1: in a loveless relationship. I mean, with their occupation. Can
Speaker 1: I help people who have just you pointed out? You say, hey,
Speaker 1: let's kiss like this. Not it's not a fun thing
Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable. Like I try to like massage it
Speaker 1: gently towards where I wanted to go, like basically like
Speaker 1: just just like we start doing a little bit more
Speaker 1: like this. But usually by that point it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: the penis is spoken, and it's a man. It's such
Speaker 1: a man. Nothing you do bothers me. Usually by that
Speaker 1: point it's the nicest thing she's ever said about hitting
Speaker 1: one in her entire life, and it'll probably the nicest
Speaker 1: thing that's ever uttered from her mouth. Go ahead. Usually
Speaker 1: at that point that the dick is spoken, it's like
Speaker 1: we're in this. We'll we'll put up with the bad kid,
Speaker 1: you know. It's like we're not. It's tough. Like if
Speaker 1: your man once the once you're in it, and then
Speaker 1: you got a heart on it takes a lot for
Speaker 1: you to be like, nah, you know you can't go
Speaker 1: back for the long haul though, I think you're talking
Speaker 1: about right now, I can't date a bad kisser. But
Speaker 1: would you then go make the effort to say to
Speaker 1: kind of gently say it was a fairly good kisser. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I had one of the thing. But the sexual the
Speaker 1: sexual chemistry is one of the reasons that you start
Speaker 1: dating them. But don't you think like people who are
Speaker 1: bad kisses the first so hot? Anyway, go ahead, don't
Speaker 1: make me jealous. Mahoney ahead, Liz. I love you still,
Speaker 1: I love you, Thank you. That's why I'm here. Um No, Craig, So,
Speaker 1: I have this theory that people who are like you
Speaker 1: are good kisses you kiss well with, you're gonna fuck
Speaker 1: them well as well. The BA a bad fuck. I agree.
Speaker 1: I do agree generally found that to be true. I
Speaker 1: think maybe it's a younger people like people who are
Speaker 1: just in the like maybe teenage people like you don't
Speaker 1: know you have to communicate early on, like bad kiss
Speaker 1: High school taught me how yeah that's nice, like he
Speaker 1: wasn't he wasn't gay at the time, like he saw
Speaker 1: he liked me, and which pretty sure he was gay
Speaker 1: at the time. No, no, no, no, I'm saying, okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you. Now I know, but
Speaker 1: I uh yeah. So anytime, like nine times out of ten,
Speaker 1: if someone seems gay and then they're attracted to me,
Speaker 1: they're definitely gay. Um. So I knew he was gay,
Speaker 1: but I was like, you're he was great at kissing
Speaker 1: and he kind of like just I literally remember sitting
Speaker 1: in his basse held for you, um to like probably
Speaker 1: like fourteen or fifteen when I really learned I had
Speaker 1: kissed before, but I was ship. You know. No, twelve
Speaker 1: year olds aren't good at friends. Yeah, twelve years aren't
Speaker 1: good at anything. A great So I just when I
Speaker 1: never sold me that candy and never sold me Liz,
Speaker 1: look what you've done. Unleash You're mad, buzs you thank you?
Speaker 1: So I uh yeah no. And so I remember sitting
Speaker 1: on his lap in his parent's basement and just him
Speaker 1: teaching me how to kill. Did he talk you through
Speaker 1: it or did he just guide you physically? Say my
Speaker 1: first I don't know anybody who has had this experience
Speaker 1: with her first kiss. My first kiss, I was in
Speaker 1: ninth grade. So how old are you like fifteen, there's
Speaker 1: this guy, Paul Allen Slagger. Anyone who went to North
Speaker 1: penns gonna go. Ah. Well, I was so in love
Speaker 1: with him, and so was my best friend at that time,
Speaker 1: my good friend Kristen. So what we did was there
Speaker 1: was like a snowdaby, we're gonna send home early. And
Speaker 1: Kristen lived in his neighborhood, so I would always go
Speaker 1: hang out with her and we both try and make
Speaker 1: out with him, and we will. I don't know how
Speaker 1: this fucking happened, but we were both like madly in
Speaker 1: love with him. I had never kissed anybody before, and
Speaker 1: it was snowing, so we the three of us, walked
Speaker 1: in a trail right next to a forest and we
Speaker 1: side it. We're like, okay, you Kristen, you go kiss
Speaker 1: Paul for five minutes and then you come out and
Speaker 1: then I'll go back to where he is an all
Speaker 1: make out with them. And I M He's like, no,
Speaker 1: that's wrong, No, And I slobbered all over that guy,
Speaker 1: and then we went back to Christen's house. We were
Speaker 1: on aim A. I am loved it, got a lot
Speaker 1: of dick from aim uh and he was like, Christina,
Speaker 1: was that your first kiss, I was like no, I
Speaker 1: drooled all did you say in that voice because they
Speaker 1: typed it. But I was like all caps like no, um,
Speaker 1: but I was awful and he didn't tell me. But
Speaker 1: I kind of was like ship, It's like, how do
Speaker 1: you learn how to kiss? You just kind of do
Speaker 1: it trial and error, I think with most other thing.
Speaker 1: But I do think if you, like Lizz was saying,
Speaker 1: if you have that sexual if you're just you're if
Speaker 1: you're a good kisser, that does speak a lot about
Speaker 1: how you are in bed, I think. And also my
Speaker 1: my first boyfriend, um Tango was was a lot older
Speaker 1: than me. I think the older guys is a great way.
Speaker 1: I always did sixteen year olds out there and get
Speaker 1: on the internet. No, don't do that, no no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. But that's also it's just someone who knows.
Speaker 1: I think you have to enjoy it and don't be
Speaker 1: afraid to have someone teach you. It's okay. That's the thing.
Speaker 1: It's an ego. It's like, oh, I if he tells
Speaker 1: me I'm doing something wrong, that means I'm awful. Like no,
Speaker 1: it's not like just it's a learning experience, especially when
Speaker 1: you're not young. That didn't mind. There is a nice,
Speaker 1: there is a nice and then in a mean way
Speaker 1: for someone to tell you that you're not good at kissing,
Speaker 1: and if he says it in a mean way, back
Speaker 1: in the face and not let run out of the
Speaker 1: apartment or house or run out of his house and
Speaker 1: drive home and listen to some to whoever else. And
Speaker 1: every once when you get something like, oh yeah, no,
Speaker 1: we're like in concert here and we're doing right things.
Speaker 1: But every once when I get something like, all right,
Speaker 1: you're you're not a bad kiss or good you just
Speaker 1: do it different, different, and I'll learn to adapt and
Speaker 1: kind of sneak around doing everything. But but I think
Speaker 1: it's weird. I don't know how many guys I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know this. I mean most women I've met
Speaker 1: like kissing and like there's someone that really love making out,
Speaker 1: like I make out with Stephen all the time. I
Speaker 1: think I'm rare for a lot of and that I
Speaker 1: really enjoy making out a lot of guys like no, dude,
Speaker 1: like get the no pussy dick, now, let's do it
Speaker 1: like and I'm like, no, I'll make out for better,
Speaker 1: better end insects, but I want better, And I say
Speaker 1: was very into making out, and I really appreciate that
Speaker 1: because I had just making it. I had just revisited
Speaker 1: my love for making out only a few weeks prior,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I love this because it's hard
Speaker 1: to really passionately make out with someone like you're like
Speaker 1: like a lot of these people. Over the past few months,
Speaker 1: I've just been fucking like I don't only want to
Speaker 1: make out with a guy like you know whatever, my
Speaker 1: friend and also a kiss don't know if I mentioned this,
Speaker 1: but he's super sickly hot and um yeah, no, no,
Speaker 1: he's a good kisser. He's good. It's so and he
Speaker 1: was like fun it was, and also a fun kisser.
Speaker 1: I think that's important, and like it was like what
Speaker 1: you do who don't like kissing? Who doesn't like kissing?
Speaker 1: There guys who don't like k But there was a
Speaker 1: moment like when my when I was like in college
Speaker 1: and I had to had to want a single phase
Speaker 1: for many years where I kind of forgot making out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just didn't like I didn't want to be that
Speaker 1: girl that was drinkingly making all the stranger in the ball.
Speaker 1: But also I forgot like, oh, when you hook up
Speaker 1: with guys like make out. I forgot that that was
Speaker 1: a thing, and then I revisited. Also like nostalgia because
Speaker 1: I'm somewhat taul, you know, like and a lot of
Speaker 1: and I find myself like shorter girls. But I find
Speaker 1: like yourself of girls like they're shorter than I am,
Speaker 1: so they even like during sex, like, oh, we can't
Speaker 1: like kiss during sex, that would be an awkward or
Speaker 1: something like I like making out during sex. You're not
Speaker 1: a giant dude, no, But I mean, like I'm six one.
Speaker 1: My ex wife was five three. You know how hard
Speaker 1: it is to make out. I don't know how hands
Speaker 1: pulled away. I'm five ft three and a half. Does
Speaker 1: that help? I'm five? But also like i've been, I've
Speaker 1: actually like sometimes the girls going down, I mean that
Speaker 1: I get so into it that I'll like actually like
Speaker 1: pull her off and be like, no, let's make out
Speaker 1: a second now, because yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're
Speaker 1: a guy who will make out after dick's been in
Speaker 1: the mouth. I love. No, I want the listeners to
Speaker 1: know because that's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome, But it's
Speaker 1: my openis exactly. Sometimes sometimes in the morning you got
Speaker 1: morning breath, your guy goes down on you morning, but
Speaker 1: you just and then he goes to make out with you.
Speaker 1: I am not a fan of that. Well, morning breath
Speaker 1: in general is discussed breath plus pussy breath. No, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not a morning sex like sometimes I like no
Speaker 1: at all morning So I like morningist morning morning sex
Speaker 1: if we're both still drunk. Oh so, Craig, the morning no,
Speaker 1: because otherwise I don't. Now, I'm like, I get up
Speaker 1: and it's just like you know, I I drink like
Speaker 1: two or three nights a week and that's it. In
Speaker 1: most mornings, I get up and it's like eight am,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, all right, let's fucking go. Like I
Speaker 1: don't even meditate first thing in the morning. I do
Speaker 1: it in the middle of the day, jump out of bed.
Speaker 1: I don't even if I meditate time. I want to
Speaker 1: capitalize on the fucking energy and like the ship because
Speaker 1: I get up and I'm like, I want to fucking
Speaker 1: move and get it done. Yeah. So, corn Waite, do
Speaker 1: you like when a guy eats you out and then
Speaker 1: makes out with you? Yes? Okay, so Craig, So why
Speaker 1: do you I don't. I don't know. I really like it.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I do sometimes I do. I really like it.
Speaker 1: I think it's my thing is like an important great
Speaker 1: mine doesn't taste bad at all, you know, that's I
Speaker 1: think it's so sexy. It is sexy. Or like if
Speaker 1: if I suck his stick after like banging him without
Speaker 1: a condom, like you know, not coming to you know,
Speaker 1: but like riding him and then like sucking his like
Speaker 1: that's I like. I like all the back and the
Speaker 1: only thing you can't the only thing I like every
Speaker 1: everywhere excevery. If you do anial, you gotta then you
Speaker 1: gotta clean because even if you do anial, you can't
Speaker 1: put it back in the vagina because you get infection.
Speaker 1: There is something to say about a guy who doesn't
Speaker 1: mind when a girl sucks his dick and makes it
Speaker 1: out with him, Like that's like, thank you man, that's
Speaker 1: a man. I agree, because, for of all, your dick
Speaker 1: doesn't in a vagina. There're two different there are two
Speaker 1: different organs. They have two different ways of admitting fluids.
Speaker 1: Anything that the john is cleansing the penis yeah, that's yes,
Speaker 1: it is, so then it goes back. So when we kiss,
Speaker 1: you know, it's fine, that's all that's true. Oh my gosh, guys,
Speaker 1: all right, we gotta gotta this is This is a
Speaker 1: question I wanted to ask everyone. This is something I
Speaker 1: thought of because I have an answer to it. Um,
Speaker 1: what's the weirdest sexual memento you've ever kept? Because I
Speaker 1: have a real this mind mine, straight up creepy. I've
Speaker 1: never kept a lot. But here's here's the thing. I
Speaker 1: left things so I can come back like you pulled it,
Speaker 1: George Gristanza. I pulled him and pulled a Christina Hutchinson.
Speaker 1: That was an episode of S Yeah, yeah Simpson. So no,
Speaker 1: this is a weird thing. Go ahidh Crarect. What's your
Speaker 1: making references all things that we're on the air when
Speaker 1: you were twelve? Uh, you're just trying to make me
Speaker 1: not like you, but it's not working anyway. So no,
Speaker 1: I don't have any weird like sexual mementos here. But
Speaker 1: here's the weird thing. Is uh my dog, who you know,
Speaker 1: is the awesomest dog in Mickey's after Pinkertons. Mickey's awesome,
Speaker 1: but Mickey has this thing where uh, and I've learned
Speaker 1: now to to avoid this and take care of this,
Speaker 1: you know, uh, you know beforehand, but like if you're
Speaker 1: just like you throwing clothes off and stuff and underwear.
Speaker 1: Mickey will destroy ladies underwear that's lying on the ground.
Speaker 1: I've had that happen with dogs. Yeah. And here's the
Speaker 1: weirdest thing, though, I can go home tonight, go like,
Speaker 1: just take my my jeans and boxers off on the
Speaker 1: floor next to my bed and just go to sleep
Speaker 1: and wake up and just pick them up off the
Speaker 1: floor put him back on. But if I go home
Speaker 1: with a woman and leave my jeans and boxers, I'll
Speaker 1: wake up in the morning and there will be a
Speaker 1: hole chewed through the crotch and my fucking geen dogs
Speaker 1: like pheromony. How many times have you had sex with Mickey? Huh,
Speaker 1: that's not now you've gone to do you have a
Speaker 1: studio apartment? Does the dog he's trying to sex? Well,
Speaker 1: here's the thing, just keep the dog out. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: but listening to my dog cry and scratch at the door.
Speaker 1: It is not exactly Barry White, you know. Does he
Speaker 1: like stare at you guys or does he just lay
Speaker 1: there and I have hard time? I'm exact. For the
Speaker 1: most part, he's just he'll do his own thing. Occasionally, though,
Speaker 1: He's like, hey, you guys are doing a thing. I
Speaker 1: want to come, and like every once while he'll jump
Speaker 1: on the bed and he's kind of doing and you
Speaker 1: just this is what you're single, and you know that
Speaker 1: sucks my asshole. I'm like all right, and I forget
Speaker 1: he did it. And then he think, ahole, hey buddy,
Speaker 1: I love you. You're always there. He never likes Pinkerton.
Speaker 1: Pinkerton's number one favorite thing is when I've had, when
Speaker 1: I had, when I after I guy. He loves to
Speaker 1: break open the door and jump in bed and roll
Speaker 1: around with us afterwards. His number one favorite thing to do.
Speaker 1: Mickey'll try to jump on the bed. He won't try
Speaker 1: to take part, but he'll just like be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna and you just kind of like give him
Speaker 1: a leg. He's also very small. Pinkerton's a huge pit
Speaker 1: bulls For the most part too, mak he just stays
Speaker 1: but like some most women are just like, yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: I love the dog. He's a terrier. He's a Beagle terrier.
Speaker 1: Timento is your dog eats the crotch and all the
Speaker 1: I don't really have too many s. No, no, he
Speaker 1: trying to wrap it up I know no, my psycho
Speaker 1: X of fucking std sheld gave me that's what I
Speaker 1: might need more information on this. Oh yeah, it's on antibiotics.
Speaker 1: It was fine. No, the clap that cleared up in
Speaker 1: a what is the what's? Yeah? But what are the
Speaker 1: symptoms though? Because then not having leg have you know
Speaker 1: you had it? This? We need to wrap up. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna make this as good as possible. I felt that literally, No,
Speaker 1: this was a month. This was a month after we
Speaker 1: broke up. And I felt the pain in my balls
Speaker 1: one day and I was like wondering what it was
Speaker 1: lasting all day? And I asked, I texted my friend
Speaker 1: who was dostal. I know, yes. I thought maybe it
Speaker 1: was like my gene for something like like my short
Speaker 1: shirt twisted. And I asked my friend. I'm like, dude,
Speaker 1: this is be going on all day ship And he goes, well,
Speaker 1: you know, you might have like testicular torsion or epidemitis.
Speaker 1: You need to go to the emergency room right now.
Speaker 1: And I'm like can I It's like nine am, I'm
Speaker 1: lying on account, nine pm. I'm lying on the couch.
Speaker 1: Can I do it tomorrow? He goes, if you wait
Speaker 1: till tomorrow, you might not have any balls. So I went, Yes,
Speaker 1: I walked down the streat because they, you know, the
Speaker 1: hospitals like a mile on the road. So I walked
Speaker 1: to the emergency room, the longest scariest walk in my life,
Speaker 1: not knowing if I was going with the surgery and
Speaker 1: gonna have a ball removed or something. I did have epididymitis,
Speaker 1: and it's when the tube that has the get the
Speaker 1: urine and the semen gets twisted. And one of the
Speaker 1: reasons that can can do that is because of chlamydia.
Speaker 1: So they gave it. So I gave me an antibiotics.
Speaker 1: I was on it for two, like ten days. It
Speaker 1: goes away. Yeah, and he goes away, the epididymitis and
Speaker 1: the chlamydia Christina memento, I I uh, I can't think
Speaker 1: of anything. My signature thing is like I leave a
Speaker 1: memento that I need back I can see them again
Speaker 1: when I just don't know, I don't have confidence in
Speaker 1: me seeing him again. I'll just leave my fucking mother's
Speaker 1: ring that she gave me. That smart you know, Liz, Yeah,
Speaker 1: probably not leaving him intum more, leaving a mark like
Speaker 1: my e she spray paints her name. There's a bad story.
Speaker 1: So that No, we had we hadn't. We had an
Speaker 1: accidental anal situation and situation accidental, yeah, but but pretty
Speaker 1: much in the process, like I thought I'd broken his penis,
Speaker 1: if not my vagina, but I hadn't. Spencer the right
Speaker 1: did you do that? I didn't know? It was very sort,
Speaker 1: but it was so bad that like his balls like
Speaker 1: pretty much inflated and then and then did you get
Speaker 1: thing where you like riding but then it like hit
Speaker 1: the taint or something and it was just paint. It
Speaker 1: was it was just that fucking sucks. Like it was
Speaker 1: just bad. But like they inflated and then he went
Speaker 1: to the doctor and the doctor was like, I'm not sure,
Speaker 1: and wait a few days they went black. So it
Speaker 1: was like a topic she's litter all So yeah, that's
Speaker 1: what a moment to that was, Christina. But you know
Speaker 1: that's gone. Um all right, we'll close off on saying that.
Speaker 1: Uh so they're my second boyfriend. Uh. The first time
Speaker 1: we had sex, I really it was it was a
Speaker 1: long time coming, Like we had this relationship went for
Speaker 1: a long time. Um, and then we finally had sex.
Speaker 1: And this is embarrassing and gross and super weird. I
Speaker 1: took the condom that we used, because that's rare. Took
Speaker 1: the condom, guys, put it in an envelope, sealed the envelope,
Speaker 1: dated it, and marked it. And I think I probably
Speaker 1: still have existing. No. The thing is, I was watching um,
Speaker 1: I was watching I was watching Mortified Nation, the document documentary,
Speaker 1: and I all of a sudden that memory came flashing
Speaker 1: flooding back into my mind and I was like, holy shit, Karen,
Speaker 1: you are not well. I'm not okay. I'm not okay, guys,
Speaker 1: and thank you so much for listening. Can we figure
Speaker 1: out if we had sex? No, you know, I thought,
Speaker 1: we don't know. Will does matter? It doesn't matter, guys.
Speaker 1: If you want, if you if you want to email
Speaker 1: us for free tickets to humpt or will pick one
Speaker 1: of you guys to win. H you don't just email
Speaker 1: us sorry about last night show at gmail dot com
Speaker 1: if you live in the New York City area or
Speaker 1: if you can get to New York City. Uh April,
Speaker 1: it's like tomorrow this weekend, uh Amateur Porn Festival are
Speaker 1: going to be great. Tweets sorry about last night you know,
Speaker 1: s R Y about last n Y, t all the
Speaker 1: Facebook stuff. Thank you so much to Craig and Liz
Speaker 1: and you guys are great and this is a really
Speaker 1: fun episode. Fun guys. We'll see you next Friday or
Speaker 1: listen to you next Friday. By