Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of I'm your guest, Coastal
Speaker 1: Dread and for kp Bless Meet everybody, Jolly. First up,
Speaker 1: James Teney. James, you stand it for a long time.
Speaker 1: What was your first board and when did you get it?
Speaker 1: I got Oh god, I don't know. I got it
Speaker 1: when I was twenty one years old. I do know that,
Speaker 1: so I started way later than other people. And I
Speaker 1: only got it because my now wife, then just person
Speaker 1: I knew, had a skateboard and I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna learn to skateboard, so she thinks I'm a skater boy,
Speaker 1: and uh I did. I It was hard. I fell
Speaker 1: into a cactus pretty early on in the skating and
Speaker 1: that was probably the second most painful injury I had.
Speaker 1: It's like one of those cactuses that I don't even
Speaker 1: know if it's considered a cactus, but has huge spikes
Speaker 1: that are just impaling, but otherwise chema looks like a
Speaker 1: point setta, and I skated right into it, like the
Speaker 1: first week I had like an ala vera. Maybe do
Speaker 1: they have like long, black like stabbing spikes at the end,
Speaker 1: Yeah they can't, then that might be it. Yeah, such
Speaker 1: a skater boy, real, see you later, boy, And I
Speaker 1: used to skate past you all the time. That was
Speaker 1: me learning going over will Shire when you were at
Speaker 1: Second Spin? Did those were the days? I tell you.
Speaker 1: Next up is Jackie Gonzalez DRUTHI. Okay, Jackie, did you
Speaker 1: collect anything unusual when you're young? You know? My dad
Speaker 1: started a stamp collection for me and my sister and
Speaker 1: it's a lot of Disney stamps and they're really cool
Speaker 1: and we've you know, when we were little. He'd add
Speaker 1: to them. But it's nothing that we We didn't go
Speaker 1: to any conventions or shops or any We didn't even
Speaker 1: pick them out, you know, we were just kind of
Speaker 1: given them as gifts. We still have the binders and
Speaker 1: I recently took them and I have them here, um
Speaker 1: and they're so cool. Again. I haven't added to it,
Speaker 1: but I like that I have them. I don't want
Speaker 1: to sell them, even though I do have duplicate, like
Speaker 1: I have two of everything because I have my sisters
Speaker 1: and mine. But I am curious as to like how
Speaker 1: much they are worth because some of them are cool.
Speaker 1: Ship I have like like Zimbabwe stamps with like Lion King.
Speaker 1: I have those two I know exactly what you're talking about.
Speaker 1: These aren't like I love. I love to look at them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I gotta go find those because I definitely clicked to
Speaker 1: those and I was little tapes, so pretty amazing stuff.
Speaker 1: Next up, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris, what's the most extreme
Speaker 1: activity you've done or would consider doing? Well? I was, Um,
Speaker 1: I wasn't a skater boy, but I wasn't an aggressive
Speaker 1: inline skater boy. That means rollerblading, but aggressively um, you know,
Speaker 1: kicking people in the face, rails, grinding rails and stuff
Speaker 1: that was pretty extreme, funk. I am not an athlete.
Speaker 1: I am just not an athlete. And I would like
Speaker 1: break my wrisk like every three months, and like I
Speaker 1: got to a point where I would like come home
Speaker 1: holding my arm and my dad would be like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not going, and I going to know what the
Speaker 1: hell the way it needs to heal? Um. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: have a lot of fear cole So I was never
Speaker 1: like a and never like a like adrenaline junkie. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean. I'm scared and I'm not strong,
Speaker 1: So thank you very much, Forting, I hear you. Next up,
Speaker 1: it's Craig Katkowski Craig, is there a book you bailed
Speaker 1: on like halfway through reading it? Many many books? Um,
Speaker 1: Catch twenty two I think is the one for me
Speaker 1: that like is supposed to be a classic and there's
Speaker 1: like seventy characters and they're all fucking guys in the army.
Speaker 1: And it's also like, uh, it's like a smarter you know,
Speaker 1: nineteen sixties satire. It's like, I get it. That's so
Speaker 1: funny that you said that. Because Jenny's reading it for
Speaker 1: a book club right now. Every single person is bailing
Speaker 1: on it. They're like halfway through. I'm not even kidding you,
Speaker 1: Like it's tonight that they're doing the thing. And Jenny's like,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna read the last fifty pages because I
Speaker 1: can't do this anymore. Watch either the movie or the
Speaker 1: mini series. I like the movie. Yes, there you go.
Speaker 1: That's really funny. Last up, Joey Greer Joey rumors out.
Speaker 1: We hear you've been asked to create a new Mario
Speaker 1: Brothers game. What is it? Oh? This is I'm so
Speaker 1: freaking excited. So this is actually like it's the first
Speaker 1: Mario VR experience. It's great. I'm working with Steam VR
Speaker 1: and Oculus and all that, and it's gonna be insane.
Speaker 1: Remember that Mario Tennis was pr right, No, I don't
Speaker 1: remember that. Yeah, I'm a virtual boy. Okay, but what's
Speaker 1: your I'm sorry, I'm excited some but you're you're working
Speaker 1: with Steam. Joey's all right, Steam like Mario. Yes they did, James, No,
Speaker 1: it's a surprising. I get a lot of questions with
Speaker 1: the guy not working on the project. All right. They
Speaker 1: asked me, James, they asked me to do this. So
Speaker 1: you you play Toad and there has been this viral outbreak, right,
Speaker 1: this is something called crazy. You don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: And you're centered in in Mario City and you're part
Speaker 1: of the Mario City Police Force, and you have to
Speaker 1: figure out what's going on, all right, and and like oh,
Speaker 1: everyone in Mario City is turning to the zombies. Is
Speaker 1: this crazy virus? And like what's going on? And there's
Speaker 1: a Bowser Corporation. Bowser Corporation has created the J virus.
Speaker 1: And the J virus is this thing that like you know,
Speaker 1: once it goes into the air, once it braces and
Speaker 1: you and Haley turned to a zombie. So you're told
Speaker 1: you gotta run through Mario City and it's all VR
Speaker 1: and you have to just murder every single Mario character.
Speaker 1: It's so much fun. We're gonna like bring back so
Speaker 1: many um characters that like you didn't even think of anymore, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: they just had it for a second. But it's great. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the first one is going to take place, um
Speaker 1: actually in this like Bowser's Castle, So it's out in
Speaker 1: the middle of the forest. You have to go there
Speaker 1: and there's gonna be this whole secret thing. And then
Speaker 1: the second game is gonna take and that's our show.
Speaker 1: Everybody's Alchemists. After next Hey, let's do a damn show,
Speaker 1: shall it. All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
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Speaker 1: a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
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Speaker 1: scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast that
Speaker 1: our new email address Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's like that. See one is from Patreon and v
Speaker 1: I P. Cory Booth, who wrote Seen for you. My
Speaker 1: old friend stuck in an elevator. That is all love
Speaker 1: you all all the door. Oh no, don't don't stop
Speaker 1: holding the tour pushed the close button. Push, he's he's running,
Speaker 1: he's running. You don't know this guy, like I know
Speaker 1: this guy. You don't want him in here. And he's
Speaker 1: still he's still not getting here. He is well, what
Speaker 1: he does is he moves his arms and legs really fast,
Speaker 1: so it looks like he's running, but he's just walking.
Speaker 1: He's doing like that Tom Cruise run. It's ridiculous. Close
Speaker 1: the door. He is not getting any closing. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be late. I cannot be late again. I'm on my
Speaker 1: this is my third right up. If I'm late, those
Speaker 1: ritips are not cool. By the way, Like we're not
Speaker 1: in school, yeah any school. We're not in school. We're professionals. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let it go. That's this guy's next getting
Speaker 1: now he's close. Now he'll just be able to relatively close.
Speaker 1: Like he's like jogging right in front of the elevator.
Speaker 1: Come inside, please just get in here. Okay, we got it.
Speaker 1: You're in. You're in. I forgot my wallet. Hold up, no,
Speaker 1: I'm hitting the closed door. But nothing's happening. Uh, I'm sorry, Gail.
Speaker 1: I don't know why the car is not coming. It's
Speaker 1: been in the lobby for about twenty minutes. I keep
Speaker 1: pressing the things. Should we just take the stairs down?
Speaker 1: I'm not walking. I mean it's down, Gail, it's not
Speaker 1: that far down. We could just go down and I'm
Speaker 1: not walking. We'll continue to press it, but you know
Speaker 1: we're anyway. Well, but like I was saying, I thought
Speaker 1: tennis would be easy or a good time. I'm finding
Speaker 1: it to be very difficult and not fun at all. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, tennis, it's one of those sports that you
Speaker 1: think you have a handle on and then it's just
Speaker 1: way more difficult than we were pressed it. Let me
Speaker 1: appreciate one more him. Where were we tennis? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: ten Sorry? Uh, I mean but you're you're a golf man.
Speaker 1: I have a golf man. But that is a that
Speaker 1: is a cruel sport. All the door. Jesus, this is crazy.
Speaker 1: Why want this close? God, I'm going to be late again.
Speaker 1: Uh really judges me when I'm late. You don't know.
Speaker 1: They converted the stairs to slide, so of like we
Speaker 1: can't go up now you can go down. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that sounds like so much fun, if only we could
Speaker 1: get up all the Doorkay, you're in the elevator door.
Speaker 1: And she walked out, you know, and I said, you know,
Speaker 1: I know we're not in love anymore. How long have
Speaker 1: you guys been waiting for the elevator? About thirty minutes? Now,
Speaker 1: I mean, that's really unfortunate. Gal, I uh sure you
Speaker 1: sure he wants to stick the slide down? I think
Speaker 1: I don't think it will be too difficult for us.
Speaker 1: It's gotta be coming any moment now, right you it think? Well,
Speaker 1: the door, you're in here, You're in here, Nancy, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry I'm late, And what's up your hands and
Speaker 1: elbows and like you're you're bleeding? Are you okay? Or
Speaker 1: did you climb the stairs or the slide? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I can't. Yeah, it was um try. It was hard
Speaker 1: to do um but I did it. And that shows commitment,
Speaker 1: doesn't it. It shows my commitment to you, Peter, that
Speaker 1: I would climb up a slide to get to our
Speaker 1: counseling appointment. I'm here, I'm here for what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: This is what I'm talking about. Well, you only have
Speaker 1: a little bit time left, so I don't know how
Speaker 1: deep we're gonna be able to get to it. Um,
Speaker 1: but um, I've asked Peter to not talk to me
Speaker 1: this entire time, just had respect to you. So uh,
Speaker 1: maybe you want to just get into what has happened
Speaker 1: recently or what we talked about last time about not
Speaker 1: able to by that bird because it was gonna be
Speaker 1: a nuisance? Is that? Is that right? If I remember correctly, Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's pick it up at the bird. She won't sleep
Speaker 1: with me. And I was like, I have tried rebooting
Speaker 1: the computer. I've tried it several times, but of course
Speaker 1: you have. They kept wanting me to do that. I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I'm not an amateur. This isn't
Speaker 1: my first day at a computer. That's good, right, And
Speaker 1: they transferred me. They transferred me again. The first thing,
Speaker 1: if we push the up button, we'll cutch it when
Speaker 1: it's growing up, and then we'll just take it down afterwards.
Speaker 1: I mean, sure yourself, help me up the slide. Okay,
Speaker 1: we can't help you up the slide, all right? Coming
Speaker 1: down off the somebody's coming down, Help me up the slide?
Speaker 1: Where did he go? I hear his voice? You'll want
Speaker 1: to use this rope. I can hear her. I can
Speaker 1: hear her on her phone at night, so she says
Speaker 1: good night, and I said good night, and then I
Speaker 1: roll over, and then I can I can hear I
Speaker 1: found a state up later I stay, I'm just I'm
Speaker 1: on night. Go to sleep with me, me to be
Speaker 1: asleep at the same time that we can be a union.
Speaker 1: I thought we were a kid. The doctor has rescheduled.
Speaker 1: You have next Thursday the same time, so thank you. Well,
Speaker 1: Oh did Nancy leave in the middle of our session. No,
Speaker 1: you've been out of your session for a while. You've
Speaker 1: been down the lobby for a couple of minutes to
Speaker 1: screaming age other, look and you please just sign out here. God,
Speaker 1: we went into like a fugue state again. Hey, hey,
Speaker 1: can I see something? Are you talking to me? I
Speaker 1: enjoyed being in that state with you. Are you talking
Speaker 1: to me? All right? I felt like we were really
Speaker 1: we were we were one, We were a unit. We
Speaker 1: didn't even know that we changed location. It wasn't Lasagna
Speaker 1: and McAvoy, it was us. It was just us. It
Speaker 1: was just Peter and Tina. Oh, I'm just a couple
Speaker 1: of minutes late. Sorry, I'm I can catch up real quick.
Speaker 1: I get the computer booted up. Okay, it's as if
Speaker 1: I was here on time when I when I doubled
Speaker 1: down my efforts at the beginning of my job. It's
Speaker 1: like I wasn't late, you know. Oh, I guess it's
Speaker 1: a quarter past. Yeah, you were late again. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it's just by I mean, I'm actually nothing, Hastes, we've talked.
Speaker 1: Somebody's gonna get written up. Shut up, this is your
Speaker 1: third infraction. I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to ask
Speaker 1: you to leave. What right? Him? Up? Right? Get it?
Speaker 1: I don't get another Right up, it's over. I'm done here.
Speaker 1: Three right ups, equal, You're gone. You're way too happy
Speaker 1: about this. I got kids. Well I think I love
Speaker 1: you too, if I'm being honest, Well, are you trying
Speaker 1: to me or oh no, sorry, I just have you
Speaker 1: pressed the down button or the down button? I know
Speaker 1: it's not. I've been wanting to tell you for a
Speaker 1: long time, and especially at the time we spent here
Speaker 1: right now, just delving so deep into each other's souls
Speaker 1: that I just I feel like maybe this is a
Speaker 1: connection we should explore. You're single now, you know she
Speaker 1: left you and I've been a bachelor for a little while.
Speaker 1: As you know, too long, if you long too long,
Speaker 1: too long, you just want you know what really solidified
Speaker 1: it for me? What was that you said? This isn't
Speaker 1: my first day at a computer. It's just funny. I
Speaker 1: need that in my life. Thanks go. You know, I
Speaker 1: try to bring love to every situation. Has the elevator
Speaker 1: been taking a long time or been here for at
Speaker 1: least forty five minutes? Minutes? For me? Hell, this is uh,
Speaker 1: this is Anton from We'll always have parrots. I get
Speaker 1: the parrot you ordered. I think I'm great. Yes you can,
Speaker 1: just you can bring it on inside. That's a big cage.
Speaker 1: It's a big cage for a big parrot. Parrot, I
Speaker 1: forget about it. So this parrot comes preloaded with some
Speaker 1: some phrases. You got to teach some other phrases. But
Speaker 1: to get about it, gorgeous. Stop my fucking dick. Whoa,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, that's a bit much. You're you said a
Speaker 1: no kids, right, because you know we we have a
Speaker 1: more family friendly parts. But I figured you know a
Speaker 1: couple of adults. You know it's I'm gonna say anything
Speaker 1: you haven't heard before. We are I'm gonna cut your
Speaker 1: head off, piece of ship. Whoa. Um, just because we
Speaker 1: don't have kids doesn't mean that we should get the
Speaker 1: violent bird. And this golden macaw is as an animal.
Speaker 1: But I'm the boss of the Calamari crime family. Yes,
Speaker 1: so he isn't. But he was. He was a bird
Speaker 1: at the Calamari Crime He was a part, he lived,
Speaker 1: he was a pet of Ah. Yeah, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Hoppy doesn't have any information that might put us in danger.
Speaker 1: See what's this? All I know is you pre ordered this, Barrett,
Speaker 1: I'm living in now. I need you to sign here.
Speaker 1: Let me give you a tip. Let me give you
Speaker 1: everybody in this room is fucking dead. What he how
Speaker 1: to open this cage right there that hold a weapon?
Speaker 1: You know, it's no threat. You know, it's just a
Speaker 1: lot of talk. It's a lot of talk. I just
Speaker 1: I just remember that news story from seven years ago
Speaker 1: about that one um Russian guy who got his eyes
Speaker 1: poked out, and they said that it looked as if
Speaker 1: they were beaked out, and that he had claw scratches
Speaker 1: all over the rest of his face in that Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a conspiracy theory. I don't pay attention to that. Stuff.
Speaker 1: You know, I've been trying to kill your bitch. You can.
Speaker 1: You can teach your mother phrases, you know. Okay, Oh,
Speaker 1: it's um, it's open. I don't I don't want to
Speaker 1: go down. I want to spend some of our time here.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go down either. Don't get out
Speaker 1: of the way. Oh, my fucking what is your deal?
Speaker 1: My deal? My deal is for the last thirty years,
Speaker 1: I've been working for someone I don't respect. I was
Speaker 1: living with somebody who didn't love me. Okay, and this
Speaker 1: morning you're looking at somebody who's bad at tennis but
Speaker 1: finally good in love. That's my deal. Which your deal?
Speaker 1: My deal is that some asshole just blocked me from
Speaker 1: going home. All right, you man? You slides out of order?
Speaker 1: Slide down? Yeah, well, I have a very sensitive backside. Okay,
Speaker 1: what very sensitive backside? Jinks? You guys are that together?
Speaker 1: The slide is indoors, it's not in the sun, it's
Speaker 1: not hot. Just slide right, right, you thank his little bottom.
Speaker 1: Little little bottom, we've gotten rid of corporate punishment. I'm
Speaker 1: not allowed to do that, all right, No, I'll take
Speaker 1: a spanking. Just don't fire me. You're not gonna assume me. Kyle,
Speaker 1: you're fired. No, don't fire me. I'll take a spanking.
Speaker 1: I don't, Kyle. I'm sorry. You've been late three times.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. You know the rules here. I'll take my part. Kyle, Um,
Speaker 1: did you get rent or no? Did you go to
Speaker 1: the bank today? Are no? No? I didn't. This fucking guy.
Speaker 1: Oh god, they goddamn parrot got parrot? We gotta can
Speaker 1: we please? Can we please bring this parrot to look
Speaker 1: a shelter, Kyle, this sweetamily parrot. I lost my job.
Speaker 1: I lost my job, but this is a giant parrot
Speaker 1: we got. I agree a parrot. I agree. I kiss
Speaker 1: your wife when you're gone. Why don't say things like this.
Speaker 1: It's just gots preloaded, It's reloaded. We gotta give it up.
Speaker 1: It's too big. It's a giant parrot a bus. You
Speaker 1: sure you want me to get rid of these thirty
Speaker 1: five parrots you keep in your office? Yeah? I do.
Speaker 1: You're thirty five. You can't for these that they would
Speaker 1: just little because what do you say? You saying I'm dumb?
Speaker 1: I told you get rid of them, all right, Okay,
Speaker 1: if you want, I know, uh, you know, I've got
Speaker 1: a parent fence. I can take them to call them
Speaker 1: crime phim. Hey baby, Um, we're net with the bird.
Speaker 1: But still, and I'm gonna say, I feel close, I
Speaker 1: feel connected. I feel Oh thank god. I thought you'd
Speaker 1: be so weirded out when I started. You're wearing a
Speaker 1: fucking wire when he started left kissing it. Getting close
Speaker 1: to the bird. Yeah, getting close, That's what I said,
Speaker 1: getting close to the bird. I'm just getting close to bird. No.
Speaker 1: I think it's honestly, yeah, I think that's right. Ali
Speaker 1: wants them cocaine. I don't think we need to go
Speaker 1: back to therapy. Is that saying too much? I I
Speaker 1: don't think that's saying too much. I think that's saying exactly.
Speaker 1: It's saying exactly what's right. So I'll sleep on the
Speaker 1: couch tonight so you can keep him like, make sure
Speaker 1: he's like he gets those welcome you so much. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: this is my first time at a meeting like this. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Linda, Linda, and I've been in love with my
Speaker 1: bird for weeks? What what? What kind of group do
Speaker 1: you think this is? And C two is for listener markets?
Speaker 1: You're out, so Kevin, you claimed at a poker game
Speaker 1: in February that the movie Sliver wasn't a hit with
Speaker 1: it's a hundred and thirty eight million dollar box office.
Speaker 1: If I did a movie that earned that good in
Speaker 1: I would call that a hit. Well, enough about you.
Speaker 1: My scene to you is a man applying to become
Speaker 1: a gold digger. Have fun. I know I will. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how can I he help you? Well, I I was
Speaker 1: wondering if you guys were hiring. Oh yeah, well, Horran,
Speaker 1: what's your previous work experience? Well, he used to be
Speaker 1: a millionaire, so I was really good with money. Um,
Speaker 1: usually it was in bills, but I'm sure it was
Speaker 1: backed with gold. And you know Fort Knox used to
Speaker 1: be a millionaire. And you'll go with money and why
Speaker 1: are you here? Well, I was I wanted to dig gold?
Speaker 1: Or is this not a mine? Is this not a
Speaker 1: mining facility? I'm just confused about what you used to
Speaker 1: be a millionaire? And now you want my sad story.
Speaker 1: I'm broke, Okay, I'm fucking broke. I used to be
Speaker 1: a millionaire, so trust me, I know how to be
Speaker 1: around gold. Oh I'm sorry to say your assets are gone.
Speaker 1: They're frozen. It's the frozen or they're gone. Well there
Speaker 1: they're gone, and well you had left was frozen. It
Speaker 1: seems like Macaw Syndicate took it all. Uh, what are
Speaker 1: the odds of the frozen stuff is gonna thought? I
Speaker 1: don't I'm not sure. It's not looking good you. And
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is you probably need to find a
Speaker 1: better way to uh make some money at the moment,
Speaker 1: or it's just it's not looking good. Everything's gonna be
Speaker 1: taken away, definitely if you that'll be gone. Guy. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm just a representative for them because Okay, now they
Speaker 1: can't speak in the way they that we do, but
Speaker 1: of course they can repeat. So the things that I've
Speaker 1: been told to repeat to you is if you don't
Speaker 1: get the money for him, well they don't take your bones,
Speaker 1: bones us in the money. No, you're human, bones are
Speaker 1: gonna take your bones. Look, man, what you gotta do
Speaker 1: is you gotta get yourself a lady, you know, someone
Speaker 1: who can take care of you, take care of some
Speaker 1: of your bills. Look at me and watch Hey dad,
Speaker 1: I'm watching proof. She's watching her show. But she'll bind
Speaker 1: me whatever I want. Like, what what do you think?
Speaker 1: What do you think Brenda is gonna think? If I
Speaker 1: it's getting lad think of it as a job. Don't
Speaker 1: you need a job? Don't you need money? Uh huh?
Speaker 1: So can I have a shard anay? Thank you? And
Speaker 1: can I have um a mocktail of your surprise coming
Speaker 1: right up? Thank you? What a freaking week? Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't work, but if I couldn't have mad because the
Speaker 1: week that I have being someone who doesn't work, it
Speaker 1: feels like a lot of fucking work, you know, mm
Speaker 1: hm hmm my h o way board. It's just it's
Speaker 1: racking up the racking up the fees. They keep calling
Speaker 1: me asking me to be the secretary of the meeting.
Speaker 1: And you know I had that problem with my fingers.
Speaker 1: I am waiting for somebody, So I'm sorry. Am I
Speaker 1: disturbing you? No? Here's your wine and here's your pickles
Speaker 1: fashioned it's pickle juice with a sugar cube. That's my favorite. Wonderful.
Speaker 1: I knew a surprise. We've lift up my spirits after
Speaker 1: such a hard week. My parent, my my parent, my
Speaker 1: parrots from my freaking neighbors, my parent neighbors. So how
Speaker 1: did it go? Okay? Alright, alright, I gotta I gotta
Speaker 1: iron some things out with you. First of all, right,
Speaker 1: I know you lost your ship. I know you're sucking
Speaker 1: married Bob. I know you have been applying for jobs, right,
Speaker 1: but I did tell pretty much a shoe in for
Speaker 1: one of them. Okay, what what is it? Let's just
Speaker 1: say I'm going to be a gold digger. Okay, but
Speaker 1: I gotta clarify something with you, because I know you
Speaker 1: take things literally. What do you mean by that? Well,
Speaker 1: there's this prospect or the dude I set you up
Speaker 1: with the date I set you up with the woman
Speaker 1: I didn't go to date. I'm this is this is
Speaker 1: a great spot. Oh my god, how are you? This
Speaker 1: is so weird. How do you do? You know? Dev
Speaker 1: and all that? That brought me over from the bar.
Speaker 1: We were hanging out and she said to come over
Speaker 1: because there's more drinks. Seriously, you know that you could
Speaker 1: make a best friend in one night. Isn't that amazing?
Speaker 1: We had so much in common. She was really locked
Speaker 1: in at first, but then I started complaining about the
Speaker 1: stick and parents next door. I just, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I complete forgot about Yeah, well I had a stupid date,
Speaker 1: stand me up, but this like debmated all the better.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. That women empowering women. Here's my resume.
Speaker 1: I hope I get the job. She here good. I've
Speaker 1: had several years experience with a donkey and I already
Speaker 1: have long John's on it. And now it says she
Speaker 1: that you were a former millionaire. Yes that was man.
Speaker 1: You're you're good with gold, that right? Yes, yes, I'm
Speaker 1: good at scrolling it away. I'm good at and holding
Speaker 1: it up and let it glick in the sun. But
Speaker 1: the former, what what happened? But what what happened to
Speaker 1: the money that's mine? Sometimes he getting deep for the
Speaker 1: exactic birds. I know that. All right, Well here's your
Speaker 1: claim and here's your pick. I'll make you proud. Well, Dad,
Speaker 1: maybe you when I should head home and let these
Speaker 1: two get acquainted. Well, this is depth home. I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I really I mean to get home to the
Speaker 1: bedroom home. Just shall we leave? No? You do stay relaxed,
Speaker 1: right dead? Yeah that's what you gotta do. Yeah, Yes,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just met this guy. I don't know.
Speaker 1: If you're saying you're in our home, you're in her home. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I always assumed I was safe, but I think that
Speaker 1: I wasn't safe. Various things a woman. Could hear that
Speaker 1: makes me feel like it's the opposite. Can I just
Speaker 1: ask one thing? You know what, I'm staying down here
Speaker 1: with my thank you, thank you? How rich is she?
Speaker 1: That is a very rude question to ask. Dude, this
Speaker 1: is a very rude question asked that was that was
Speaker 1: sick to hear. Oh, I'm sorry, but I was under
Speaker 1: the impression that I was supposed to live off of
Speaker 1: her money, my money, Francesca's money. Who are you? I
Speaker 1: don't know what is it? Well? That sure is a
Speaker 1: sad story. Uh. I'm not totally sure what the depth
Speaker 1: subplot had to do with with your story. But anyway,
Speaker 1: it's a lot of panning mostly well, you know, it's less.
Speaker 1: It's kind of a misnomer. We don't dig so much.
Speaker 1: We do a lot of panning. You see, I'm getting
Speaker 1: a lot of pie write here. Which is it looks
Speaker 1: like gold? It's it does look like gold, but it's
Speaker 1: fool's gold. I'm taking some of that. It's not worthless.
Speaker 1: It's worthless. Okay, And let me just see the gold, yep,
Speaker 1: and they we'll be able to wait and giving this
Speaker 1: here you go? Do you tell the birds are quite alright?
Speaker 1: Let's just see here. Okay, that should pretty much. Are
Speaker 1: you sucking with me? That's you pretty much square, even
Speaker 1: the debt? I owe you? Are you fucking with me?
Speaker 1: Did you come in here today say I'm gonna sunk
Speaker 1: with me? Okay, you can have some more here. This
Speaker 1: is every little bit of gold. I sneeze on you.
Speaker 1: I sneeze on you, buddy, all right? Was right in
Speaker 1: my face? Yeah, it was because of what you did
Speaker 1: to me. You want to come here with this bullshit pie? Right? Huh?
Speaker 1: You're fucking with me. The birds are gonna take your bones, buddy.
Speaker 1: They think you're fucking bones. Buddy. I understood the dev storyline.
Speaker 1: What did you talk to these birds separately? I waited
Speaker 1: for a while for you, rough day. Huh. Here take
Speaker 1: a swig out of this joke with three xtras on it?
Speaker 1: All right? M oh, oh my god. That's the good stuff,
Speaker 1: is it? Oh? It's it's just a river water. What
Speaker 1: a little bit of pickle? Oh my god? The beans already,
Speaker 1: the beans already already in. Isn't there going to be
Speaker 1: something with the beans? It's not just beans, is it?
Speaker 1: What do you need beans? I'm sorry, I just used
Speaker 1: to have a lot of When I used to eat,
Speaker 1: when I was a millionaire, we'd have a plate that
Speaker 1: had beans, potatoes, a mead, a different vegetable, meat, different
Speaker 1: it had on me. It was like a menagerie of food.
Speaker 1: What's a vegetable? Vegetable? It's uh, well sometimes it's corn sometimes,
Speaker 1: you know, but I guess beans of this be's good.
Speaker 1: It's all you need. Son, I had some venice there once.
Speaker 1: It was full of buckshot. Now we're like, I don't
Speaker 1: want this ever again for me too, too. Holy sh it, man,
Speaker 1: you look great? What is that a new suit? Versacchi?
Speaker 1: Geez man, you are done well for yourself. Well, it's
Speaker 1: a full suit. So what's that? It's I'm glad that
Speaker 1: you see what you see, but it's a full suit.
Speaker 1: It's not real VERSACCEI what I was being honest with you?
Speaker 1: You thought it was real? Right? Yeah, but you know
Speaker 1: table for two? Is that correct? No? I gotta get
Speaker 1: I gotta get going. Okay, what are you still hated
Speaker 1: with us or not? Well, it's depends on if he's
Speaker 1: gonna stay because I can't pay for you can't pay, well,
Speaker 1: then you can't either, young man, young man, are there
Speaker 1: any uh, you know money money, money moneys, money maidens
Speaker 1: at the bar tonight, money maidens. You know, yeah, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I have three years prior experience. Now those three years
Speaker 1: or twenty years ago, but I think I can enter
Speaker 1: back into the job force. Uh as if it was
Speaker 1: twenty years ago. Well, it's just here that you're a
Speaker 1: current millionaire. Is that correct? I have a current millionaire
Speaker 1: and I'm looking to be a money made Okay, well,
Speaker 1: but I do have a significant other. Is that Is
Speaker 1: that going to be a problem? How? I don't think so.
Speaker 1: If you have more people to work to claim, the better.
Speaker 1: So here's a claim ticket. Here's your pick. Uh. I
Speaker 1: hope this helps you be a money made And I
Speaker 1: don't know. I'm just here to give out gold digging claims.
Speaker 1: I must be in the wrong. I gotta be in
Speaker 1: the wrong office. Day I've had, I can't believe I'm
Speaker 1: going to the wrong office and my first time attempting
Speaker 1: to get a job. Can you imagine when I actually
Speaker 1: have a job to complain about? Diember you can start
Speaker 1: working here. Well, I'm trying to get back into the
Speaker 1: workforce because I'm just I'm being driven mad, staying in
Speaker 1: my apartment, listening to the damn neighbors birds. One of
Speaker 1: them got a dog that's even louder. You know, I
Speaker 1: like commercial breaks. I want to hear the jingles, so
Speaker 1: it matters. One of those commercial breaks now threes from
Speaker 1: listener Chris didn't tell it. He wrote just one this month,
Speaker 1: as I am much too busy procrastinating my school work
Speaker 1: to properly create scene suggestions right now. One. I've noticed
Speaker 1: that comedians seem to get offended when people refer to
Speaker 1: their work as skits for reasons that are not obvious
Speaker 1: to non comedians. Did you guys do a scene that
Speaker 1: explains for the to the rest of us about skits
Speaker 1: and sketches and routines and acts and bits. Alright, campers,
Speaker 1: who is ready to have the best summer ever? Maybe? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Alright you too? How about the rest of you? I
Speaker 1: mean ideally, Yeah, I mean I'm only eleven, so I've
Speaker 1: only had ten summers. I don't remember most of them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be the best camp Wanna Ghana is
Speaker 1: the premier place to be in the summer. And you
Speaker 1: know why what's going on? Because we've got so many
Speaker 1: activities high ropes, course, low ropes, course, river rafting, horseback riding, skits.
Speaker 1: We do skits. Oh wait a second, Um, I don't
Speaker 1: do skits. What does that mean? Why? You know? Like
Speaker 1: one of you will lay on the floor and the
Speaker 1: other one will lay on their stomach, and then one
Speaker 1: of you the legs and the other ones talking. It's fun.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be one of the legs, I kid, I
Speaker 1: heard you. Uh, we're in a fan of skits. No,
Speaker 1: I mean I'm in my sixth grade improv troup. Oh,
Speaker 1: chicken wing for you buddy there? Yeah, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean a couple of other cooks. Uh, we do sketches.
Speaker 1: You do sketches. Chicken wing for you, buddy there? How
Speaker 1: do I get in this group? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know if we're gonna have I mean, I've got
Speaker 1: a writing packet. How do you do? Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: just in case. Uh, let me take a look at this. Okay,
Speaker 1: I heard you got a kid who wants to join
Speaker 1: up hunting this. Uh, dude, check it out. He got
Speaker 1: himself an own riding back who all right, let me
Speaker 1: taking a look at that too. Hey this heightens nicely. Yeah,
Speaker 1: good bit. Well you can tell already on the first page,
Speaker 1: you established a clear bit and then you progress it bit.
Speaker 1: Because the way I see it is we'll do skits
Speaker 1: together and that'll make us an act. What do you
Speaker 1: think you'll be a leg? I'll be a leg. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but we need like okay, guys, hey, hi, hi, anybody. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm John. I'll be the counselor here at squirrel Bunk.
Speaker 1: Where's your shirt? Where's my shirt? Why don't you shut
Speaker 1: the hell up? This is squirrel Bunk, all right, and
Speaker 1: when we're here, we're in a different camp. Do you
Speaker 1: understand that? Uh? Okay, okay, great, Now, I know everyone
Speaker 1: got money from their parents with the vending machines. Let
Speaker 1: me see it. Uh, let me see it. My name
Speaker 1: is John, I run the squirrel Book. Let me see
Speaker 1: the money. Well, we're in act. Just let you know.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, oh I love acts. Okay, what my favorite
Speaker 1: act is when I get the fucking money. So give
Speaker 1: me give me. Your feet are really dirty? Oh yeah
Speaker 1: they are, maybe because I live in the woods. Give
Speaker 1: me a goddamn wait, are you not an actual counselor?
Speaker 1: Oh he's got my tenny pack. Now just leave it.
Speaker 1: Let me go, let me go. We'll use this as
Speaker 1: a material for our but that's what's all the money
Speaker 1: for the whole is going to break up. No, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: well well no, no no, please don't, please don't. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be late. I'm so sun No. Let me start
Speaker 1: from the top, from the top, so sorry, that's what
Speaker 1: I wanted. Sorry, don't repolicize, just go, just go. Okay.
Speaker 1: Can I just say I do have some revisions on this.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, oh my god, just do it, do it? Okay,
Speaker 1: no problem. Um knock knock, knock, knock. I'm at your door,
Speaker 1: not knock, not so tell me more. Here's some gum.
Speaker 1: Don't chew it up? Oh no, threw up? Stops up? Raymond?
Speaker 1: Can you get in there? Please? Can you help them? Raymond? Please? Um? Okay,
Speaker 1: all right? Should we just take it from the top
Speaker 1: we can, okay, professionals, I'm I'm an amateur. Uh Raymond
Speaker 1: stop stop Raymond Lucas, can you get in there and
Speaker 1: help Raymond? Please? No, no, no, How does an amateur
Speaker 1: become a professional if they don't get to Raymond enough?
Speaker 1: I got I got it, I got it, you know, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm a pro with this. My brother did a bunch
Speaker 1: of skits for Homecoming. He's the quarterback. He wears a
Speaker 1: wig and goofs around and it's a riot, so I'll
Speaker 1: be great in the skit. Okay, well, just as we know,
Speaker 1: we're starting off with the song. This is a review
Speaker 1: after all, so I just want to make sure we're
Speaker 1: all in the same page. Please look us, help us out. Mhm. Knock, knock,
Speaker 1: knock on your door. Knock, knock, knock, Please tell me more. Knock, knock, knock.
Speaker 1: I had some gum used to stop something. What do
Speaker 1: you do? You're just ogg Can you get in there
Speaker 1: and help Lucas Blues? Can I just say, this doesn't
Speaker 1: seem very fair. They're saying it's a review, but this
Speaker 1: is the first time I've seen this material. It was
Speaker 1: Please help him. Please. Alright, guys, get ready frogged and
Speaker 1: coming in. Okay, here you go. Alright, alright, what's your
Speaker 1: motivation here to make the audience laugh? No, no, that's
Speaker 1: gonna be the result ideally. What's the motivation of your
Speaker 1: character to have people like me? No? No, that's you,
Speaker 1: that's you the character. Who are you playing myself? Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, I haven't seen the script. Okay, wait, hold on,
Speaker 1: are you playing yourself? Where are you playing someone that
Speaker 1: has come to doing a skit? What are we talking
Speaker 1: about here? I think I think Oggens trying to elevate
Speaker 1: us to another level. Perhaps honestly, after hearing Ogden's coaching,
Speaker 1: I think I could give it another shot. I feel
Speaker 1: like it's elevated me. I don't know, guys, I was
Speaker 1: just excited to take part in a big time goof,
Speaker 1: you know, but have some fun. That's funny. Okay. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at the script now and the formatting is all fucked.
Speaker 1: What do you mean that was this done on final draft? Um? No,
Speaker 1: I know I asked a question where I know the
Speaker 1: answer It wasn't. All right. Everybody, welcome to a corn bunk.
Speaker 1: If you ladies need anything, you gotta come to me,
Speaker 1: all right, because that's how we are here in the wilderness.
Speaker 1: We're wild and free. Who's gonna tell me to wear
Speaker 1: a shirt? Not me? That's right, because I make the rules.
Speaker 1: I'm in charge. I'm the counselor, and I'm here to
Speaker 1: help you have fun. If anyone needs tampons or pads,
Speaker 1: that's gonna be here in this trunk, right yep. Living
Speaker 1: in the woods once you walk around for long enough,
Speaker 1: you form callouses, and it's actually the most natural and
Speaker 1: beautiful way to walk around life, because then I can
Speaker 1: go anywhere and not have a problem. The shoes are
Speaker 1: making my hometown. What is it made of glass? What
Speaker 1: does that mean? It just means that if she showed
Speaker 1: up with no shirt and dirty feet like that, she
Speaker 1: wouldn't be allowed in the gas station. Right, Ogden, We're
Speaker 1: gonna start you as a featured player this season. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're gonna tail around Edie Bryant. She's gonna show you
Speaker 1: how everything works here. All right, Okay, thanks, Lauren, no problem.
Speaker 1: Let me know if you have any more questions. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll just be in my office. I'm available to you
Speaker 1: if you need me. Okay, then, okay, thanks big guy.
Speaker 1: You got it. Your writing packet was incredible. It was
Speaker 1: incredible the way you heightened. Oh boy, right, so good? Okay,
Speaker 1: I can't tell if the conversations over and O good buddy,
Speaker 1: come here? How are you man? How are you? Uh? So?
Speaker 1: I heard we got a phenomena leven year old Freako
Speaker 1: coming into the big league. Yeah, I'm coming right off
Speaker 1: of summer at camp. Wanna ghana? Yeah? So we heard.
Speaker 1: And just so you know, uh, this this environment can
Speaker 1: eat people a louve man, they're cann't really funk with
Speaker 1: your head. So just you know, you're eleven years old,
Speaker 1: You're still developing as a human being, so you know,
Speaker 1: maybe this is the right fit for you. I've heard
Speaker 1: about you guys coming in trying to intimidate the new kids,
Speaker 1: and uh, I'm not gonna be intimidated. Okay, now you're not.
Speaker 1: I've got five ideas. I'm gonna pitch the Chance of
Speaker 1: the Rapper tomorrow and you're not gonna talk to anybody.
Speaker 1: You've got these little ship I'm odd the writing staff.
Speaker 1: How are you gonna write? If you pissed your pants?
Speaker 1: What it looks like? I've just pissed his pants. You
Speaker 1: just sprayed me with a spray gun on my crotch.
Speaker 1: Oh the funk with me? Okay, not big time? And
Speaker 1: how long have you been here? Hi? Didn't your mom
Speaker 1: and dad Sweeter say Hi? It's Ogden on the phone
Speaker 1: not saying hi to him? Okay, so how is it?
Speaker 1: How thirty rock? Um? I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I belong here? Oh, yes you do. You know
Speaker 1: what I'll send you some cookies. That would help. So
Speaker 1: tell me the names of your friends. Who's your best friend? UM?
Speaker 1: Probably Keenan so far? Oh nice? Keenan sounds nice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's been here for twenty years. Twenty years, Wow, babe,
Speaker 1: one of the one of the writer has been there
Speaker 1: for twenty years. Really do want to get on the phone.
Speaker 1: He's not, he says. He says, no son of his
Speaker 1: will make a living doing skits. They're not skits. They're
Speaker 1: not skits. Put him on, Put him on, sweetheart. He says,
Speaker 1: they're not skins. Okay, you're on speaker. I write scenes, father,
Speaker 1: I write scenes, sketches. They're not skits. Okay, skits for camp.
Speaker 1: I'm beyond camp. Now you just left amp Gowana. I
Speaker 1: want to go. I don't know what you don't even
Speaker 1: know the name of my camps. That's the show. It
Speaker 1: will ship And what I saw was a bunch of skits.
Speaker 1: And now you're thirty rock Well you used to sound confident,
Speaker 1: Now you sound broken. Thanks for coming in. UM. I
Speaker 1: read your latest sketch in UM. Although it has some
Speaker 1: funny moments, the whole deb subplot really lost us. So
Speaker 1: we're gonna send you back to camp. We need you
Speaker 1: to get some more experience with skits. Uh, and then
Speaker 1: you can come to Lord. Did you just call call
Speaker 1: them skits for you, because right now you're at skit level. No. No,
Speaker 1: I've moved beyond skits. I've moved beyond skits. I mean
Speaker 1: that deb thing was slightly off game. But all right, campers, um,
Speaker 1: you are now in the buffalo bunk makes some buffalo noises. Hey,
Speaker 1: you don't counselors. We're all counselors in here. Okay, I excited.
Speaker 1: I know. Look, here's why I called this this meeting.
Speaker 1: You know, there's a lot of competition right now out there.
Speaker 1: You know, all the kids are trying to write better
Speaker 1: and better and funnier than the other kids, and the
Speaker 1: songs and stuff. Why don't we go back to the
Speaker 1: roots of it all. Why don't we go back to
Speaker 1: the original idea generator. That machine hasn't been turned on
Speaker 1: for years. I'm talking about the improv machine. Oh, put
Speaker 1: the pencils down, put the final drift down. Put down.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. We're paying a lot of staff members
Speaker 1: to be running a lot of different programs here. So
Speaker 1: if we keep on just harping on the one. We're
Speaker 1: paying for a bunch of horses for nothing. We're paying
Speaker 1: for canoes for nothing. I mean these kids, some of
Speaker 1: those horses have been stolen and apparently in I think
Speaker 1: in the scrub Bunk kids got robbed. Do you understand
Speaker 1: what this camp has turned into? This is the former
Speaker 1: link for former league, for the generator for the future
Speaker 1: generations of writers and performers. Here, you're correct, we need
Speaker 1: to go back to ours. We need to go back
Speaker 1: to improv I got a suggestion, how about um, a
Speaker 1: man applies to become a gold digger. That's too convoluted.
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell the whole story you about
Speaker 1: just something the point of inspirations? Oh man, we did.
Speaker 1: We changed comedy guys. The difference now right. That skit
Speaker 1: was brought to see you by the following alchemists. Chris Alvarado. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you for having me. Um. Check out my other
Speaker 1: podcast to Comedy Figs, where we just you know, funk
Speaker 1: around with ideas in comedy and performance. And I want
Speaker 1: to say one more thing. Oh yeah, the way, if
Speaker 1: you if you are in California, if you're in the
Speaker 1: Los Angeles area, the West Side Comedy Theater is you
Speaker 1: know coming back. We're doing shows again. We're doing live
Speaker 1: in person shows. Um, must be vaccinated the mask. Of course,
Speaker 1: we're trying to keep it as safe as possible. But
Speaker 1: a lot of us here in this on this podcast today,
Speaker 1: we'll be performing there soon. So you know, if you're
Speaker 1: come check us out. Go to Westside Comedy dot com
Speaker 1: for uh schedules. Yeah, definitely come back. Things are happening,
Speaker 1: as they say, Craig Tkakowski. Hey, Sex Lives of College
Speaker 1: Girls will premiere on HBO Max November. Uh, it's not
Speaker 1: about me. I'm in two episodes. Um, I mean I am.
Speaker 1: I am not a college student, nor a girl, nor
Speaker 1: having sex. Uh. But my wife uh confirmed not that
Speaker 1: that's not that's going on. My wife watched the trailer.
Speaker 1: It confirmed at the show she would watch even if
Speaker 1: I wasn't on it. Okay, that looks funny. It looks funny.
Speaker 1: Jackie Gonzalez Dar Ruthie Wow, of course, James t everybody
Speaker 1: on November six, thanks neither. Uh, well, the mean I
Speaker 1: can't wait for Sketch Fest either. I'm so excited for
Speaker 1: it on November six at Bruce City in El Segundo.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be doing stand up at eight pm, so
Speaker 1: that might be enough time for this will air before that.
Speaker 1: If you live in the l A area on November,
Speaker 1: check out some stand up at Bruce City. Yeah, November
Speaker 1: sixte James might have enough time to come up with
Speaker 1: a set, so just run out there check it out.
Speaker 1: I do want to end with a little song at
Speaker 1: the s add your own lyrics to that, but that's
Speaker 1: like they're really that's the foundation of the song. Solf
Speaker 1: out with that great I'm at Cole Stratton at Stratton
Speaker 1: Cole s sketch beest dot com or coming back in January.
Speaker 1: Let's give it up for engineer, producer Doug Babe and
Speaker 1: the fine folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please
Speaker 1: write to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's dot com. Until next time.