Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of al Give this finder
Speaker 1: guess sad In for KP. But the nightmare will be over. Stand,
Speaker 1: let's meet everybody, Shelly. First off, it's James. E. James.
Speaker 1: What's the thing that bothers you the most? If your
Speaker 1: apartment is messy, Like, what is it that makes you crazy?
Speaker 1: I don't mind clutter of papers or stuff like that,
Speaker 1: but if there's dirty dishes, it really like germs that
Speaker 1: have to do with food bother me. And one of
Speaker 1: my biggest pet peeves is if somebody leaves like wet
Speaker 1: bread on a plate and leaves it in the sink
Speaker 1: or somebody like kinds like just some racist brand, and
Speaker 1: that's in the drain, it should have to make me
Speaker 1: lose it. Who's pouring water over bread? I think I
Speaker 1: think Martin just I think Mark is writing that down.
Speaker 1: By the way, I literally just wrote wet bread on
Speaker 1: a plate, just just to put it in the memory bank.
Speaker 1: As I'm looking down to see the names of characters,
Speaker 1: I just want to read the phrase my plate. But
Speaker 1: someone in my house doesn't eat the crust of bread
Speaker 1: pretty much. And uh, if it goes in the sink,
Speaker 1: it gets well, well, it shouldn't be too. I've got
Speaker 1: some clues. Let me know how to prank James. Just
Speaker 1: go to his house and leaves from what bread on
Speaker 1: a plate. Believe it be fun. Next up is Jackie
Speaker 1: Gonzalez to Ruthie. Jackie, what's something you used to eat
Speaker 1: as a kid but not so much anymore? Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm a pretty habitual eater, and um I do stay
Speaker 1: really like I still eat like the same breakfast cereals
Speaker 1: and things like that. But my mom did tell me
Speaker 1: before my memory, so I was really really little that
Speaker 1: I used to just eat straight up margarine out the tub.
Speaker 1: I don't do that anymore. I mean it's still pretty great.
Speaker 1: Just get a shot again, just spoon falls. But if
Speaker 1: it was peanut butter, well that sounds good. Just have
Speaker 1: that with some wet bread and your set. Next up
Speaker 1: is Chris Alvarado. Chris, if you could form a dance
Speaker 1: crew today, who would you put on it? Maybe? Okay,
Speaker 1: here we go, actually this crew right here? Yeah, look
Speaker 1: at this, Look at this, Look at all of this
Speaker 1: right here. I mean, Jackie's our star. You know, James
Speaker 1: is gonna bring the wild marks probably actually very good.
Speaker 1: But uh so, I bet you are too cool. I
Speaker 1: bet you're an actually good dancer. But then I feel
Speaker 1: like Craig is our sleeper hit. He's our classically trained
Speaker 1: dancing because what happens, it's like I battle somebody, I
Speaker 1: win or lose. Mark battles the other person in the crew,
Speaker 1: and you go head to head like battling, and then
Speaker 1: when they bring their big guns, we bring ours, and
Speaker 1: fucking Kakowski just gets down some floorworks and breakdancing floorworks, windmills.
Speaker 1: It's pretty accurate, but I'm more Martha Gray, but this
Speaker 1: is my crew. Cool Chris. I saw the picture she
Speaker 1: just posted on Instagram of your amazing like outfits from
Speaker 1: the nineties. It must have been the late nineties, and
Speaker 1: it was like a breakdancing What was the born to
Speaker 1: Break had? Oh, it's just breakers. I was part of
Speaker 1: a just real quick. I was part of a dance
Speaker 1: crew called play School. That's the so Cal chapter of
Speaker 1: play School. Play School was a national breakdancing crew. I
Speaker 1: had a battle my way in. I had a battle
Speaker 1: guy named Gilligan. I had a battle album and I
Speaker 1: got in and um. Then I would go to parties
Speaker 1: near Downey, south Gate, Lynwood, Norwalk. Belle Compton and Battle
Speaker 1: of the Breakdancing Crewise. My name was bounced because I
Speaker 1: used to bounce my body. That was my thing. So yeah,
Speaker 1: and then I had a big play School decout put
Speaker 1: on my Honda CRX on the hood, so everywhere I
Speaker 1: went people knew I was from play School. Represent I
Speaker 1: got past Professor and Maryanne It. Next up, it's Craig Kakowski. Everybody, Craig.
Speaker 1: Is there a movie with like a killer's direct a
Speaker 1: killer director's commentary track that you've listened to on DVD
Speaker 1: that you just love? Yeah, the best one is for
Speaker 1: Steven Soderbergh's The Limey because the writer, uh, first of all,
Speaker 1: it's pretty good movie. Start with Terence Stamp is the
Speaker 1: titular lime Uh. The writer in Soderberg did not get
Speaker 1: along at all, and he made a movie completely different
Speaker 1: than the guy's script. And then they agreed to sit
Speaker 1: down together and do the commentary, and the entire thing
Speaker 1: is them fucking sniping at each other and passive commenting
Speaker 1: on how much they hated the other guy's work. Well,
Speaker 1: I have that on DVD, so I should pop that
Speaker 1: at some point. So awesome, guys. Mark Aagliardi is here look, guys,
Speaker 1: Mark Gagliardi, if you had to pick a favorite SNL
Speaker 1: cast member from his fifty year plus run, who is it?
Speaker 1: What do you love from his fifty year plus run?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go back to the early years and I'm
Speaker 1: going to say the O g uh from that O
Speaker 1: G cast. Ah. See, now I go like, okay, well
Speaker 1: I have one, but then I have but then I
Speaker 1: have three but oh no, no no. But also this person,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna you know what, I'm gonna stop it too.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go workhorse Dan Ackroyd and the funniest part
Speaker 1: of the show, Gilda Radner. That's that's gonna be my
Speaker 1: workhorse and and uh and hilarity duo right there. And
Speaker 1: I think between the two of them they created comedy
Speaker 1: Voltron for those first five years. Oh good choices. I
Speaker 1: really thought you're gonna go with Brad Hall. But you know,
Speaker 1: like those are good, those are solid. Brad Hall doesn't
Speaker 1: mean David Byrne A very mean David Cool. What's yours?
Speaker 1: I'm really curious about this. Who's Who's your number one?
Speaker 1: Phil Hartman? Probably I just thought he was like he
Speaker 1: could do everything. Um, and of course the lovel Lorraine
Speaker 1: because she's the sweetest person in the world. Um, but yeah,
Speaker 1: probably Phil Hartman. Let's do a show, shall we? Let's
Speaker 1: do it. All of our c suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
Speaker 1: or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
Speaker 1: a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
Speaker 1: and other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot
Speaker 1: com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a
Speaker 1: scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
Speaker 1: our email address, alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's jamail dot com. See one is from listeners Sydney McKenna,
Speaker 1: who wrote, Hey everyone, you're also funny to become my
Speaker 1: own and only podcast. I'm such a fanatical fan that
Speaker 1: I rave about the podcast, but no one else seems
Speaker 1: to share my interest. Oh well, here is another suggestion.
Speaker 1: It came to me about while walking my dogs. Suggestion
Speaker 1: cat poo advent calendar. Sorry and thank you Sydney from Canada.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so like gossh it's finally Christmas season.
Speaker 1: Christmas bib bib baby. I know I'm using interrut. I
Speaker 1: know I'm using interrut. Most of the year. But this
Speaker 1: is when I come alive. This is when I feel good,
Speaker 1: you know. And I'm sorry I'm a pain in the ass,
Speaker 1: but but but I'm here, I'm awake, I feel refreshed. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get some coffee. Yes, okay, when you go
Speaker 1: get us some coffee, keep your eyes peeled, because there's
Speaker 1: something very special in don't. I don't, Tom, what is it? Well?
Speaker 1: I was packing up the skins of the of the
Speaker 1: Advent calenders and uh, I don't. I don't know which
Speaker 1: one it is, but one of them doesn't have chocolate inside.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, you telling me, you're telling me that
Speaker 1: somebody came through an ate all the chocolate out of
Speaker 1: one of the Advent calendars before before I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: be honest. I ate all of it. I eat all
Speaker 1: the chocolate. But here's the thing I didn't do. What
Speaker 1: happened next? Wait? Wait, hang on a second. You came
Speaker 1: here a confessor crime. No, I didn't mean. I didn't
Speaker 1: want to confess. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Mr Mustapholes.
Speaker 1: Here is just seems anty about something. I don't know
Speaker 1: why it seems so anty. Well, here's the problem. On
Speaker 1: the security camera footage, I caught Mr Mustapes he pooped
Speaker 1: inside of each one of the Edvent calendar boxes. Hold
Speaker 1: on a second, it was gonna happen. And you're telling
Speaker 1: me that you ate all the chocolate out of one
Speaker 1: of the calendars. And then my sainted cat Mr Mustapholz,
Speaker 1: who has been here in this Christmas warehouse longer than
Speaker 1: you have been a live that he went through and
Speaker 1: out of what spike some sort of practical joke. I
Speaker 1: put sand in it because I thought we would just
Speaker 1: send it out and there'd be some sand in there.
Speaker 1: And I think he thought the sand with little plenty
Speaker 1: kiddie boxes. What the funk is this? It's a it's
Speaker 1: an Advent calendar. So you open up. Oh god, you're
Speaker 1: getting back to your pre Christmas well you know what attitude?
Speaker 1: You know what? Of course? Actually no, no, this makes sense.
Speaker 1: You know. I bought peppermint creamer for our coffee baby,
Speaker 1: peppermint creamer. Thank you. I love that, Thank you? And
Speaker 1: then what did you do? I got an Advent calendar
Speaker 1: and it has little pieces of chocolate so you can
Speaker 1: have a sweet treat every day, but they're wrapped up
Speaker 1: in different things, you know, Like one of them is
Speaker 1: going to be the shape of a candcane, run is
Speaker 1: gonna be the ship of the tree. One of those
Speaker 1: of the stalking well, I had the one that was
Speaker 1: in the shape of an ornament. Mmmm, lucky, lucky guy.
Speaker 1: That means I get tomorrows it? So so tom Here
Speaker 1: here's the here's the problem is this had better be good.
Speaker 1: There's only one bad chocolate. There's only one bad Advent
Speaker 1: calendar and a whole skin of a hundred other ones. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: please tell me that you took that advent calendar and
Speaker 1: threw it away. No, it got shipped. We got shipped.
Speaker 1: That ship I got shipped. But it's just one. Probably
Speaker 1: most people don't even eat the Advent calendar most Awfully's
Speaker 1: we heard that you're ship calendar cat, so clever? Yes,
Speaker 1: I did rum tum tuggeropolis. Is it true that you
Speaker 1: not only ship you also then rewrapped the ships in
Speaker 1: the appropriate packaging? Look, if you're a cat pulling a prank,
Speaker 1: you've got to do it right. And first of all,
Speaker 1: to come up with twenty five ships and at such
Speaker 1: a limited time frame and be able to shape those
Speaker 1: ships into the formfitting shapes of the of the Avan calendar.
Speaker 1: It was a challenge. Believes you don't have a problem
Speaker 1: with Christmas? Do you Christmas? Why? It's my favorite holiday? Well,
Speaker 1: it just seems like a, you know, not a very
Speaker 1: Christmas thing to do. Well, I thought it was brilliant
Speaker 1: and I want to get on it too. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: start pooping in shapes and put them in a van
Speaker 1: calendars myself. We can make a whole business out of this. Mystopolies, Well,
Speaker 1: come to the Avan counter warehouse that I work at.
Speaker 1: Shell You know what, why don't we just skipped to today,
Speaker 1: I mean skipped it tomorrow. Why don't you open the
Speaker 1: next one and until tomorrow? That's not how it works.
Speaker 1: I love that you want to share, and I can't
Speaker 1: wait to have mine tomorrow. Did you know how how
Speaker 1: do I put this? I don't know how. I know
Speaker 1: because I've never eaten. It's not you know what. I'm
Speaker 1: going for a walk, please, babe. I took the whole
Speaker 1: month off of work so that we could celebrate every
Speaker 1: day until Christmas, and today's our gingerbread house making day.
Speaker 1: I know I'm gonna be with you. I took the
Speaker 1: whole month off of work. Damn it ed yesterday? Yesterday
Speaker 1: it was the advent calendar. What what the hell am
Speaker 1: I hearing about a gingerbread house days off? At least
Speaker 1: you are such a good cat. You are such a
Speaker 1: You are such a good little cat, never causing any
Speaker 1: trouble like Ed does. I don't know anything about Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll tell the truth. I eat a gingerbread house, but
Speaker 1: I didn't do anything else. What happened? You ate one
Speaker 1: of the gingerbread house, just one. It wasn't builter anything.
Speaker 1: It was just the pieces that you would build. I'm hungry.
Speaker 1: We seldom, as kids, a lot of them are built.
Speaker 1: So you're telling me, look, at least tell me that
Speaker 1: you took the empty box and threw it away. No,
Speaker 1: I think it will we do? Is we just put
Speaker 1: the box back in and somebody would have no gingerbread house.
Speaker 1: They bring it back to the story, get the money back,
Speaker 1: not a big oh for God's sake. So in the
Speaker 1: past two days you've shipped an empty gingerbread house box?
Speaker 1: What what is it? Missed? The must off? At least?
Speaker 1: What what is it? Rum tum tugger? You know, I
Speaker 1: sometimes get the feeling that hest two were talking to
Speaker 1: each other. Tom oh oh damn Tom. Look this video.
Speaker 1: Look at this video, the security footage. Some kids. Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: it's gingerbread Day. I love gingerbread Day. I love I
Speaker 1: guess maybe I don't know something's wrong with my I
Speaker 1: don't you know what? Shake it off, it, shake it off,
Speaker 1: and let's put on our favorite podcast, the most wonderful
Speaker 1: part of the years. Okay, I'll put that on, and
Speaker 1: let's get to this gingerbread house. What do you say?
Speaker 1: I say, I love you a gingerbread mansion, and I'll
Speaker 1: make a gingerbread shack and we'll pretend that you know,
Speaker 1: you know, like you're rich and I'm poor. It's pretty
Speaker 1: break Yeah. Okay, well I'm gonna open mind up. Now.
Speaker 1: Why don't we make something together? Okay, like a moderately
Speaker 1: sized home, yes, humble home, humble home, okay, two bedrooms
Speaker 1: and bath, nothing too fancy, but also really impeccably decorated.
Speaker 1: Would you look at this? Look it's look at it.
Speaker 1: Get closer, but stand you're always rubbing my nose into
Speaker 1: myne mistakes. I get it. This looks like ship. But
Speaker 1: you know it's our jobs to make it look right,
Speaker 1: and to make it look like a beautiful house. M'ami
Speaker 1: ship in this bad Hold on a second, I want
Speaker 1: to rewind to watch that part again. I can't believe
Speaker 1: he's doing this. Rewind that video, will you just in
Speaker 1: the beginning of that song? Play it again? And I
Speaker 1: think this is the beginning, ma'amies ashtion in every box here? Okay?
Speaker 1: Hip pause? Plus what why rum Tum Tugger is shipping it?
Speaker 1: Mr Mustapholis is just watching the whole you know what? Rewind?
Speaker 1: Rewind pass, rewind back to the beginning of this whole thing.
Speaker 1: I want to see how this this started. All right, No, babe, babe,
Speaker 1: I don't want to take it out on you anymore.
Speaker 1: I don't want to, but I have an idea, hear
Speaker 1: me out. I looked at the back of the box
Speaker 1: of the Advent Calendar, and I looked at the back
Speaker 1: of the box of the Gingerbread House, same distribution company
Speaker 1: right here in China. Okay, let's go there, Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: I just get up. I just feel like i've I've
Speaker 1: messed up. And I know that no, you didn't miss up.
Speaker 1: You didn't miss up. If it's early, it's still early
Speaker 1: on in the season, and we can redo this and
Speaker 1: we can make it right. So let's let's go make
Speaker 1: it right. I I do recognize that it doesn't just
Speaker 1: look like shit. It is, in fact ship. It's just
Speaker 1: we also love Chino, and we love Chino. I love Chino, California.
Speaker 1: I freaking love Chino. They have a jail there, I know,
Speaker 1: and I coffee and coffee. No, Hi, Pau mustafils Hi, Paul,
Speaker 1: our work is brilliant. They're gonna sing these songs and
Speaker 1: change our own personal songs to reflect our recent activity.
Speaker 1: Oh well, I never was there ever a count so
Speaker 1: clever as magical. Mr Mustaff. That really isn't Thank you
Speaker 1: for turning me on to this. This has been the
Speaker 1: best day of my nine lives. You're welcome, rum tub
Speaker 1: Tugger changing Changing Christmas is a factory. We don't people
Speaker 1: just coming. Look, it's a little Jellico cat, Sweet Sweet
Speaker 1: who owns this place? Tom? Tom Cat seems to have
Speaker 1: heard it's funny. He's like I swear he speaks English. Okay,
Speaker 1: where's Tom now? Tom doesn't usually take unexpected visitors. Who
Speaker 1: is it though? But who? We don't know that? What
Speaker 1: are you doing in here? How did you get in here?
Speaker 1: I don't normally take unexpected visitors? How did you get past?
Speaker 1: I just pushed past him. Don't look at that doodle?
Speaker 1: Is this your Is this your advent calendar? Wait? Wait, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: flip the advent calendar over. I want to see the doodle?
Speaker 1: Did you doodle on the Advent calendar? For God's sake? Kid,
Speaker 1: you don't know the day I've had. You don't know
Speaker 1: the week I've had. You don't know the month I've had.
Speaker 1: Christmas is the worst fucking time of year. Everything about what?
Speaker 1: Don't say that what's gonna happen? If I say that
Speaker 1: Christmas is the worst time of year, that something bad's
Speaker 1: gonna happen. You know what. I don't have time for this.
Speaker 1: I got, I got, I got, I got, I got.
Speaker 1: Their heads shipping in the boxes, and the cats are
Speaker 1: shipping in the boxes and edd shipping them off. People
Speaker 1: are doodling all over hard make people are doodling all over.
Speaker 1: Hold what your cat is just trying to enjoy? Its communicating.
Speaker 1: It's communicating unic Wait what you talk? He can't talk.
Speaker 1: It's the most magical time of the year. Maybe it
Speaker 1: can Tom I'm sorry, but there's some people that pay
Speaker 1: a lot of money for coffee beans that cats crep out.
Speaker 1: Maybe this is just a delicacy, these chuckling cat craps.
Speaker 1: So you're telling me, Tom Thomas Thomas Stearns Elliott that
Speaker 1: after after losing this uh this warehouse, yeah Christmas items,
Speaker 1: after losing that business, you wrote a series of poems.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. I didn't even write the poems. All
Speaker 1: the neighborhood cats came over. Miss the Mustapholis and rump
Speaker 1: Tom Tugger were at the place. But I'm talking all
Speaker 1: of the jellical cats were there. Okay, that's that's fucking crazy.
Speaker 1: They're good poems, like you don't have to make up
Speaker 1: a bullshit It's not a bullshit story. I said, Christmas
Speaker 1: is the worst fucking time of year. And then the
Speaker 1: cats all started talking to me simultaneously. Look, Elliott, I'm
Speaker 1: publishing your poems, okay, with the funk out of my office.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, Well that this went better than I thought
Speaker 1: it would. C Two from patri v I P Crispy Ai,
Speaker 1: who wrote still Madly in Love with you All. My
Speaker 1: scene suggestion is MTV presents you just got deeked. Oh
Speaker 1: um uh, Deek, if you'd step into my office and
Speaker 1: take a seat in that leather well, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: what kind of chair it is, but be careful because
Speaker 1: it is a leather chair. Deek, if you wouldn't mind
Speaker 1: just stepping on over there, you just got deep. I
Speaker 1: just told you that's a leather chair. Hey man, you can't.
Speaker 1: You can put Deak in a chair, but you can't
Speaker 1: take Deec out a deek. What the You're going to
Speaker 1: be suspended? What You're gonna be suspended from school? Maybe
Speaker 1: that'll d You can suspend Deep from Hell, yeah, I can't.
Speaker 1: I was a principal of this school. You can take
Speaker 1: Deec out of the school, but you can't take Deec
Speaker 1: out of dec I'm gonna prove you wrong, sir. You're
Speaker 1: gonna see Deek have a seat in any chair you'd like. Now,
Speaker 1: as you know, I'm the superintendent of the school district.
Speaker 1: As you also know, we have c C cameras, and
Speaker 1: as you probably also also know, I watch every minute
Speaker 1: of the footage of every camera we have. That's a
Speaker 1: lot of footage. Yeah. Now, what you might not know
Speaker 1: is I've got a son. I didn't know. And what
Speaker 1: you also might not know is my son has an
Speaker 1: internship at the Music Television Network. And what you also
Speaker 1: might not know based on the information I've told you
Speaker 1: right now, is that he's in a position to climb
Speaker 1: the ladder. WHOA, this is a lot to digest. But
Speaker 1: what I'm telling you is I passed him your footage
Speaker 1: of you, deacon out. That's what I've been calling doubt.
Speaker 1: Are you serious right now? You're asking me for a favor?
Speaker 1: Please just do me this one favor. You've been so
Speaker 1: absent my whole fucking life so I could buy you stuff.
Speaker 1: I owe you nothing, nothing. Just take a look at it.
Speaker 1: I'll never ask you for another thing ever again. I
Speaker 1: try to hang out with you. You're watching CCTV. I
Speaker 1: try to hang out with you. You're watching more footage
Speaker 1: from your own personal security cameras set up in your school.
Speaker 1: You're a sick man who loves watching kids in a
Speaker 1: teenage do absolutely nothing. Let's get real, nothing is ever
Speaker 1: happening in your school. It's boring. You're boring, all right. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm so I just took that out like no, I'm
Speaker 1: glad everything just came out at me of me at once. Wow,
Speaker 1: this does a complicated relationships, superintend. Yeah, that's pretty rough,
Speaker 1: but we learned a lot about each other afternoon that
Speaker 1: I just told you about. And let's short of it
Speaker 1: is he wants to take you to the network. What.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's what I've dreamed of. Well, your
Speaker 1: dreams come true, thanks, superintend. I'm going to prove your
Speaker 1: confidence well placed. There's a black uber outside waiting for you.
Speaker 1: All right, executives, what I want now is fresh pitches
Speaker 1: because we have three time slots that are open for
Speaker 1: fresh shows. And they can be reality or they can
Speaker 1: be scripted, but I am going to request that they
Speaker 1: do have to do with the father son relationship. What
Speaker 1: if we uh, what if we uh reunite the Buggles? Oh?
Speaker 1: I like I like the Buggles. That was my idea.
Speaker 1: The first video was the video Killed the Radio Star
Speaker 1: by the Buggles because we were we were twenty four
Speaker 1: seven music music videos? Remember that? Yeah? Why don't we
Speaker 1: go back to be in music videos? I ken't bringing
Speaker 1: this up. Why don't we do it? Um? I don't
Speaker 1: remember that. I wasn't born yet, but uh, you know,
Speaker 1: you guys are here, you're tenured. Yeah, we can't be fired.
Speaker 1: That's right, MTV can't fire us. More pitch, you know,
Speaker 1: I'll take it as one pitch, and it's not guaranteed
Speaker 1: to be in one of the three times, but I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna take that pitch and I'm but we
Speaker 1: need to get a pitch in a time slot, right,
Speaker 1: So we get to pitch and then we decide whether
Speaker 1: it's going to go into into a time soon. And again,
Speaker 1: I'm really into the father's son dynamic thing right now.
Speaker 1: That's what I had a threesome with Martha Quinn and J. J. Jackson. Wow,
Speaker 1: well that's not father son, but I would like to
Speaker 1: hear about that. So let me get this straight. Deek,
Speaker 1: when I drop you off in front of this studio,
Speaker 1: you're gonna go in there and pitch yourself unannounced. That's
Speaker 1: so crazy. Yeah, I know, right, but it's on BRANFORDY.
Speaker 1: Can I put something on your way out of my car? Yes? Sure, dude.
Speaker 1: What if you ended every gag by saying suck my deek, Sue,
Speaker 1: that's a fresh stake. I'll do it all right, seeing
Speaker 1: good luck. So, back when I used to do the MTV,
Speaker 1: we had these VJs yeah, they'd report news. What if
Speaker 1: there was a father's son news team for music news? Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh that sounds good. We could have music videos all
Speaker 1: delivered by fathers and sons. Kurt Odor and his dad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Kennedy and John f I don't think they're actually related.
Speaker 1: Get out? Really? Wait, I need to have a dad
Speaker 1: on my show. Okay, you mean you don't. Again, we're
Speaker 1: hearing pitches and we're not guaranteeing you a show at all. Well, my,
Speaker 1: are you telling you what's gonna you know, go? Well
Speaker 1: in this in this boardroom right now? How did he
Speaker 1: even get in here? This young man just stormed in
Speaker 1: from an uber black Look, man, I guess who just skills? Also,
Speaker 1: my dad is Matt Penfield. I'm deep pild Wait what
Speaker 1: you guys gotta put me on your network? Suck my deek? Good,
Speaker 1: that's not a bad phrase. Interesting? What if, um, any
Speaker 1: time someone says a number, for example, someone says at
Speaker 1: the Deli number sixty one, And anytime someone says a number,
Speaker 1: you say deeks in your mouth? What about that? I mean,
Speaker 1: I think that's Bob Dylan's thing, but I'll try it.
Speaker 1: Is that Bob Dylan's thing? I'm so young. I know
Speaker 1: who he is, like, I know that that name exists,
Speaker 1: but I don't know anything about him any number though.
Speaker 1: That does seem like because people say the word to
Speaker 1: a lot, like people saying umbers a lot. That's two
Speaker 1: deeks in your mouth. But what if they're using t
Speaker 1: O O or t oh I'm going to die in
Speaker 1: your mouth? No, I was t O was the use
Speaker 1: I was making there. I had to clarify bell you
Speaker 1: the shot. This guy's wanted to do everything. I like him.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what Deacon is. Yeah, I wasn't
Speaker 1: gonna say it, but I'm not sure what a deak is.
Speaker 1: Does it matter? I say it with confidence, but I
Speaker 1: blame Cribs for this. Don't blame Cribs. Don't get down
Speaker 1: hill since Cribs, Cribs was was was, Cribs was right odd.
Speaker 1: We got to see the inside of their houses. Son Um,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming to my super intendant's office. I
Speaker 1: just want to say, I'm really proud of you. I'm
Speaker 1: really proud of you. Wow, I am. I didn't think
Speaker 1: that it would matter to hear that from you, because
Speaker 1: in my mind, you're kind of already debt. But it
Speaker 1: hit it hit. It hit hard and strong. Thank you.
Speaker 1: It's been six years since I've been at this job,
Speaker 1: and three of those years then they were formative for me. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was kind of hoping Deek would have been here
Speaker 1: to say something about the numbers. I just said, but
Speaker 1: I guess we're not shooting, we're not filming now, we're
Speaker 1: not feeling. Can I just say I actually really enjoyed
Speaker 1: Deek and I was hesitant to do anything that you
Speaker 1: brought to the table just because I resent you. But
Speaker 1: he he is a flavor that we need in the
Speaker 1: palette of MTV. Right now, He's hit and I knew it.
Speaker 1: I knew it because I watched hours and hours of
Speaker 1: teenagers walking through the halls, you know, doing stuff. Hey,
Speaker 1: it's your point deep, I'm here on Deep. My ride
Speaker 1: with the Buggles, Hey, Buggles has to going. We're not
Speaker 1: sure what's happening here. Well, you know, you guys had
Speaker 1: the first video on whatever this thing is that I'm on, Right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I thought was about four years ago around
Speaker 1: what did he say? You said a number? Right? Yes?
Speaker 1: I said, all right, this is some sort of prank.
Speaker 1: It was just like, is this like one of those
Speaker 1: prank shows on MTV. Isn't that a frank show. It's
Speaker 1: a straight up show where I pimp out some rides
Speaker 1: and and talked to celebrities from film and television, Like you,
Speaker 1: guys the Buggles. Haven't they already done that like fifteen times?
Speaker 1: I'm love. Welcome to the MTV Music Video Awards. Everybody
Speaker 1: beg so, okay, we're only giving one award away. We're
Speaker 1: only giving a single award away tonight, and it's just
Speaker 1: for the best of MTV. We got rid of all
Speaker 1: the other categories. This is it best of the categories?
Speaker 1: And the nominees are you got deeked with de um?
Speaker 1: Help me out here, I need my reading. Sorry, guys,
Speaker 1: this guy is so having so much fun. Mr. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he used to do. Can we just turn this off?
Speaker 1: We don't have to sit here and watch this ship,
Speaker 1: do we? Oh? I guess we're sitting in the audience,
Speaker 1: aren't we. Well, we're hearing this balcony. Yeah, but we
Speaker 1: are kind of like we got the power to turn
Speaker 1: this shift up, don't we? Bro bring back Carson Daily
Speaker 1: well and everybody, I'm so excited. I wanted this to
Speaker 1: be so much to be thank you to superintendent who
Speaker 1: took a chance on a deek with a dream. Deeps
Speaker 1: in your mouth, sir, deeps in your mouth. I'd like
Speaker 1: to thank my producers at MTV Statler Waldorf, Waldorf, to
Speaker 1: you guys right here someways right, Hey, guys, what's up?
Speaker 1: When it was music videos? And Uh, to my dad
Speaker 1: Matt Penfield, thanks for instilling a love Pixies in me
Speaker 1: that I forgot about when I got my stick. And uh,
Speaker 1: to all the dreamers out there, to all the kids
Speaker 1: who have a dream, who have a catch phrase, deep
Speaker 1: come into my office. Uh, do you have a problem
Speaker 1: with me? I don't prom with you because I brought
Speaker 1: you into Music Television Network and I got you all
Speaker 1: of these shows, and yet you win the MTV Award,
Speaker 1: the only one. You don't think me. You thinked a
Speaker 1: lot of people, Deek, but you didn't think me. I
Speaker 1: just got caught up in the moment. I didn't have
Speaker 1: my reading glasses so I couldn't read the lists, so
Speaker 1: I kind of started. I didn't mean any disrespect. I
Speaker 1: humbly apologize. Dee in your mouth. You apologize with the
Speaker 1: deak in my mouth? Just my thing. I don't even
Speaker 1: know how to talk anymore. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: can have you on this show. Man. You're deteriorating in
Speaker 1: a big way. Your personality is getting really funky. You're
Speaker 1: not remembering really important people, and that verbal issue is
Speaker 1: just that. Did I just get deeked? I I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: because I feel like you've taken the word and you've
Speaker 1: you've really expanded. Do do do MTV news? This just
Speaker 1: in everybody. Deek has been officially deeked out of his mind.
Speaker 1: That means son he has I'm sorry interrupt you go ahead,
Speaker 1: this is great. Uh yeah, that's all. That was that
Speaker 1: now to you, dad, And that's our second. C three
Speaker 1: is from listening Ratio Bourbon would be good though, who
Speaker 1: wrote love the podcast scene suggestion the Tortoise and the
Speaker 1: hair at their high school reunion. Thanks God, bless you
Speaker 1: funny people. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. You look
Speaker 1: so much different now, alright, can you can you open
Speaker 1: your jacket so I can see your name tag? You're
Speaker 1: supposed to put your jacket on the outside of your
Speaker 1: name tag. I feel like this is a power move
Speaker 1: on your part, but here, no, that's not a power move.
Speaker 1: Just because you were rivals. Oh is that you, Dave Hair?
Speaker 1: It has been you. I thought it might have been.
Speaker 1: But sorry, I'm a little slow. I mean, not that slow. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't expect that tortoise and hair would be talking
Speaker 1: to each other. Oh, Man, you remember that race senior year. Oh,
Speaker 1: we can recount it if you'd like Grizzly Bear. You
Speaker 1: know you would never win a second time. It was.
Speaker 1: It was a one trick pony you had. I didn't
Speaker 1: think you'd ever catch up. I took one quick sneeze roozie,
Speaker 1: and then you passed me. One slept for a while,
Speaker 1: man left for a while. In all fairness, I was
Speaker 1: way ahead in the middle of a race. You slept.
Speaker 1: I slept next to the finish line because I had
Speaker 1: all but one all but isn't winning? And uh, I'm
Speaker 1: the only one with an Esop High School gold medal
Speaker 1: in racing. Slow and steady, Man, Slow and steady, bullshit,
Speaker 1: Slow and steady doesn't always win the race. It won
Speaker 1: that race. I went into college. I got some punch, Um,
Speaker 1: who are your friends? Well, this is Greg and this
Speaker 1: is uh Tony beg Bear and I'm Tony the Tortoise.
Speaker 1: M hmm. Wait is that. It's it's not. He's just
Speaker 1: a regular. Um. No, oh have you have you talked
Speaker 1: about me? Have you talked about me? Dave? No, Tony,
Speaker 1: It's just an insignificant part of my life. This is
Speaker 1: the one. This is Is he the one that beat
Speaker 1: you and then set you into the existential spiral down
Speaker 1: spiral and the reason we can't make love. We make
Speaker 1: love a lot, we make love a lot, we have
Speaker 1: sex a lot. That's a difference. Okay, nice to meet you. Wow,
Speaker 1: it's so nice to meet you. It's very nice to
Speaker 1: meet you too. Is it too forward? Can I can
Speaker 1: I touch your shell? That's rude to say that, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm stupid. Of course you can tell. I mean,
Speaker 1: you're the only human here. If they could be neat
Speaker 1: for a human hand to touch my shell, that's what
Speaker 1: I thought. Baby. Is that okay with you? I mean,
Speaker 1: of course, I'm not gonna stop you touching a shell.
Speaker 1: But you look familiar by the way. Oh yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I'm when I when I was a kid, When I
Speaker 1: was a kid, some bits broke into our house and
Speaker 1: made a ship ton of porridge. Like maybe she wasn't
Speaker 1: a bit, Maybe she was curious. Maybe she was trying
Speaker 1: to stand in her own power and find out what
Speaker 1: was best for her. Uh, because she took like one
Speaker 1: bite of my mom's porridge, one bite of my dad's boards,
Speaker 1: and she ate my whole fucking ball. Glorious. That's sounds
Speaker 1: a lot like what you do at home. That's that's accurate.
Speaker 1: That's absolutely accurate. You leave little pieces of things behind
Speaker 1: all the time, like my wet bread on a plate.
Speaker 1: I mean, do we need to air this out here? Yes?
Speaker 1: I know what I mean. Like we're calling me, I'll
Speaker 1: call you out anyway. We're doing we're doing a reunion
Speaker 1: of all the superlative winners. So so tortoise. Tortoise was
Speaker 1: was most fastest, of course, I was, what is you win, babe?
Speaker 1: I didn't win anything. You don't get to be in
Speaker 1: the picture. Then he's never gonna be in the picture,
Speaker 1: never gonna make love. It's a real shame. You know what,
Speaker 1: Why don't we race right now? You want to race? Don't?
Speaker 1: Don't you want to race? There? Roger rabbit, let's do this.
Speaker 1: Why not? You're a rabbit married to a human. I
Speaker 1: can call you whatever I want. That's just coincidence. That's
Speaker 1: a coincidence. Yeah, I'll time it. I just I gotta
Speaker 1: go to the buffet for a second because because winners
Speaker 1: coming up. Okay, okay, um? So where should we just
Speaker 1: race around the gymnasium? Around the gymnasium. I want to
Speaker 1: get this done so that I can take the picture
Speaker 1: as fastest if I prove it. You guys doing a race.
Speaker 1: I just heard the Tough Mutter takes place in fifteen
Speaker 1: minutes outside. You should run that. I don't know if
Speaker 1: I can. Mike Muskrat's right, let's go run a tough
Speaker 1: mutter time when we sprint or I'm more of a
Speaker 1: long distance runner, slow and steady. A tough mutter is uh,
Speaker 1: it's it's like a triathlon. But I think they shoot
Speaker 1: at you. How does it work? Yeah, you might get
Speaker 1: shocked by something at some point game. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm yes, I don't know it. Think you should? I
Speaker 1: don't should. I'm sure I'll take an as sprint from
Speaker 1: my heart and it'll be fine. All right, I will
Speaker 1: meet you in fifteen minutes at the start of the
Speaker 1: tough Mutter course. He must ground. How close is it? Oh,
Speaker 1: it's it's it's like half a mile down the road.
Speaker 1: You should probably leave now, targets, I'll get started. Yeah,
Speaker 1: um Bear, Yeah, I don't Greg Bear. I don't know
Speaker 1: if you'd remember me. Um, I sat behind you in chemistry. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. There's no way you saw the board.
Speaker 1: It was really tough. It was really tough. You were
Speaker 1: so big and so strong. I was a big guy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: hid lost a few pounds, but I'm about to gain
Speaker 1: it all again. Sure. Yeah, you have to look great though.
Speaker 1: You look really really good. Thanks. Yeah. I thought that
Speaker 1: you looked good then, because you know, it's like kind
Speaker 1: of all that I could look at was the back
Speaker 1: of your head. Um. But it's like you still look
Speaker 1: so good. It's like you still look so good, you know. Oh. Thanks,
Speaker 1: I'm unattached me too, wo Yeah, I'm you know, what's crazy,
Speaker 1: I've always um, I don't know if this sounds too
Speaker 1: like crazy or honestly naughty, but um, I always thought
Speaker 1: that it would be cool to have sex in high school.
Speaker 1: I never did. I never did either. Really cool. So
Speaker 1: we're here, you know, like we're between getting some punch.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, a baron of dog. That's cute. I heard
Speaker 1: you from over there. I get excited and I yelped,
Speaker 1: I don't punch, give me one second here? Try this?
Speaker 1: Not great? Great? Can I try yours? Try my punch? Yes? Please? Sure,
Speaker 1: thank you. Oh that's wonderful. Thank you so much. I
Speaker 1: will see you two at the starting one. Um. So, anyways, um,
Speaker 1: how would it work? How would it work? I don't
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. But we can. Well, I wanted to
Speaker 1: I wanted to work so bad. But how how we
Speaker 1: can break into the principal's office? And well, I'm not
Speaker 1: worried about the logistics. I'm just worried more about the science,
Speaker 1: science of it. Yeah, definitely that's a worry, but we
Speaker 1: can figure it out. Bookworm, I'm sorry, Wyatt, Wyatt, excuse me.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you can hear very well. I've
Speaker 1: got kind of an intelligence emergency. OK. I have a
Speaker 1: heart condition and I've been taking just I think it's
Speaker 1: just one aspirin a day. I had a race that
Speaker 1: I want to do. If I take like five, they'll
Speaker 1: probably be enough to get around. My doctor has been
Speaker 1: trying to help me at I'm gonna take that as
Speaker 1: a yes. No no no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 1: We've always been in this same page. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: how tiny your mouth is. Tortoise, tortoise. Hi, Hi, are
Speaker 1: you walking into the starting line? Yeah? What what is it, Gloria?
Speaker 1: I just wanted to walk in here. Just why do
Speaker 1: you have so many punch cups? I don't I'm just particular,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I'm particular, you know, like
Speaker 1: I'm I want to make sure I find stuff that's
Speaker 1: just right. Oh. Sure, it's important to find what's right.
Speaker 1: This this feels like you have a subtext that I
Speaker 1: have not caught onto yet, Like third place, no, thank you,
Speaker 1: a second place, not into it, but a first place winter.
Speaker 1: Oh that's something I could get behind or however that
Speaker 1: would work scientifically. Oh, I'm I'm not concerned about the
Speaker 1: science of it. I'm just concerned about the logistics. We're
Speaker 1: about to start a race. Understood, No, understood. I just
Speaker 1: wanted to wish you luck and maybe, um, I don't know,
Speaker 1: give you a little kis on the chee for luck. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean that sounds good to me, But what about
Speaker 1: what about your husband? But Dave and I have been
Speaker 1: now now, hold on, a second is going on here? Now? Dave?
Speaker 1: I did not I did not condone this you and
Speaker 1: I have been rivals, but I always have respected your
Speaker 1: space and your personal life. And this feels like a
Speaker 1: step too far. Uh huh, I'm sorry. I just saw
Speaker 1: that too. What is going on here? You know, what
Speaker 1: is going to happen next? Like, how would that really?
Speaker 1: How would that work? The race or the I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna happen next. I'm gonna win this race, and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna win my wife's heart back. That's one option. Another
Speaker 1: option is Tortoise wins again and then he and I. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do you guys do? How do you do it?
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter because some winning this race. The only
Speaker 1: reason I ever lost to the first place because I
Speaker 1: was doing so good. I took a break of rooney.
Speaker 1: Don't take a break of mooney. Okay, imagine like, how
Speaker 1: would a bearing a dog do it? I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure that out. I'm what about a muskrat? Mike?
Speaker 1: Oh hey, guys, I thought no one wanted to catch
Speaker 1: up with me. Oh no, before we start the race,
Speaker 1: how would you do it? Like? Do it like a
Speaker 1: different species? Yeah, well, first you gotta you gotta compare
Speaker 1: sizes of the areas. Okay, so what is quite small,
Speaker 1: and the others is quite large. Too too soft, too hard,
Speaker 1: just just right, just right? Wait, I'm so not in
Speaker 1: the mood. What is that? What is that actual scene
Speaker 1: doing here? I think we're getting pumped by MTV, but
Speaker 1: this is just right? And what the hell are you
Speaker 1: guys doing in my war? And are you letting anybody
Speaker 1: into this warehouse? Now? I can't stop him. There's no
Speaker 1: there's no luck on the door. And we're not running
Speaker 1: a fucking zoo here. For God's sake. I got a dog,
Speaker 1: a bear, a tortoise hair, two cats, a muskrat, and
Speaker 1: whatever the hell that little thing that can barely talk is,
Speaker 1: you know what? Oh God? And in this human over here,
Speaker 1: I don't know how this lady got in, but she's
Speaker 1: eaten half of the chocolates out of half of the
Speaker 1: Advent calendars. All those are chocolates. And that's our show, y'all,
Speaker 1: got dick, Let's check out of our opemous before we
Speaker 1: say goodbye. Craigski. Oh what a blast? Uh? You know?
Speaker 1: Really stops fables. There's there's some good advice in there,
Speaker 1: you know, even if most of them are just from
Speaker 1: one isolated incident, you can still draw a moral from them.
Speaker 1: That's true. Mark Gagliardi, thanks for having me. Happy to
Speaker 1: be here. Um, yeah, I'm gonna go and crack open
Speaker 1: my my Esop's Fables book. Now mine is illustrated because
Speaker 1: I don't yet do chapter books. That's fair. Jackie Gonzalez do, Ruthie, Yes, Hey,
Speaker 1: thank you for something the um, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: I love books, I love reading, and I love also
Speaker 1: watching movies and talking about them on the most wonderful
Speaker 1: part of the year. And I love coming on here
Speaker 1: and improvising. So thank you for having me. Of course.
Speaker 1: Chris Alvarado, I love those things too. I was very
Speaker 1: proud of myself for getting the most wonderful part of
Speaker 1: the year thing, you know, I shoved that into it,
Speaker 1: to that scene. I'm just so proud of myself. I
Speaker 1: feel like the rest of my days gonna go downhill. Well,
Speaker 1: I hope it's better than that. James. Let me just
Speaker 1: give this gift to the world. I discovered this over
Speaker 1: the past couple of years. I wish I knew earlier.
Speaker 1: You can get any book you will, pretty much any
Speaker 1: book you can imagine through your library. If you're in
Speaker 1: the United States, digitally. You use something called the overdrive app.
Speaker 1: So if you're looking for books this seasons, you want
Speaker 1: to curl up with the book, get a digital device
Speaker 1: and download it from your public library. Uh, it's InCred
Speaker 1: well known. Really, you guys have downloaded digital books from
Speaker 1: your library honestly, almost constantly. I love it. I've only
Speaker 1: known about it for about a year and a half
Speaker 1: and I read books all the time on there now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Bookworm tell us about it like a while ago. Sounds
Speaker 1: like Jackie didn't know about it. Well, I'm I didn't
Speaker 1: know about it. I just don't have a a device
Speaker 1: to do that with. Well, I use my phone and
Speaker 1: it so it goes to my kindle. It back too much.
Speaker 1: There you go. I'm at Cold Stratton or at Stratton
Speaker 1: Cold Socials s sketch Fest dot Com line up comes
Speaker 1: out in November nine festival. This particular podcast Alchemy this
Speaker 1: will be there. We're on that later. Don't want announce
Speaker 1: the day in case anything swaps around before we announced,
Speaker 1: but it's gonna be fun, so come check it out.
Speaker 1: Let's thank our producer and engineer, Doug Bame and the
Speaker 1: fine folks that I heart media dot com. Please write
Speaker 1: to us at Alchemy, this email at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's Alchemy until next time.