Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked Guys, We Guys book. I'm Christina,
Speaker 1: I'm Corren. We're sorry about last night anti slut shaming podcast.
Speaker 1: I never stopped Happy Friday Fucker's. Welcome to another episode
Speaker 1: of Guys, We Fucked, Guys, We Fucked. It's the anti
Speaker 1: slut shaning podcast. I'm Karren, Christine. What's up tonight? That's
Speaker 1: how we'll talk right now. We are doing great? Oh good,
Speaker 1: multiple I was gonna say me and all the voices
Speaker 1: in my head I was, I was answering. I was
Speaker 1: answering for you and I, oh, thank you. I'm pretty good.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling great. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. I haven't been
Speaker 1: horny lately. You mentioned that last week? Oh did I ship?
Speaker 1: That means it's a problem now. But I finally talked
Speaker 1: to Stephen about it because I feel bad. Do you
Speaker 1: ever do that? Like? I don't like, I like less
Speaker 1: of a woman that I've lost my sex drive. I
Speaker 1: mean it depends how long it lasts, like it goes
Speaker 1: to it like usually if it goes, it's like an
Speaker 1: ebb and flow. And if there's a reason, I usually
Speaker 1: know why. I think mine is from my birth control.
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna do an I d I have
Speaker 1: an appointment this week to go to my my gun.
Speaker 1: But all of a sudden, because you've been on that
Speaker 1: for a while, Yeah, it hasn't been all of a sudden.
Speaker 1: The ebbs and flows, the ebbs or the ebbs the
Speaker 1: not sex and the flows of the sex. Well, I
Speaker 1: mean then make whatever know that would be like a
Speaker 1: peaks and valleys. The ebb and the flow is just
Speaker 1: kind of like the rhythm of life, the rhythm of
Speaker 1: my pussy. Um now, but it's just been I just
Speaker 1: feel bad, Like I feel like Steven's always like you
Speaker 1: want to I'm like, now I'm tired, and I just
Speaker 1: don't want to be that. I don't want to be
Speaker 1: that woman. It's not his fault, it's not my fault.
Speaker 1: It's no one's fault. But I want to figure it out.
Speaker 1: I want to be I miss being horny. But but
Speaker 1: my point is I told him that today I felt bad.
Speaker 1: I wanted to voice it because I well, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's not like he's not it's not like you've been
Speaker 1: together for a long time, as I'm sure he noticed.
Speaker 1: Oh you know, well, then he was telling me He's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know. I wasn't gonna bug you. I didn't want
Speaker 1: to be like this puppy humping your leg. So this
Speaker 1: past week I didn't and then you didn't. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: maybe that means she want to funk, and then you
Speaker 1: didn't and I was like yeah, ship um, but I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know. I'm just not. It was
Speaker 1: nice to have a conversation like it just was a
Speaker 1: friendly reminder of oh, yeah, talk to each other, it'll
Speaker 1: be fine. It is my favorite thing. And uh, I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm just not. I don't want to fuck
Speaker 1: you right now. I don't want to suck anyone. And
Speaker 1: I've even masturbated you have not, No, I haven't wanted
Speaker 1: to characteristic I have been alone. The second i'm alone,
Speaker 1: I'm like, where's my vibrator? And usually and then it
Speaker 1: just hasn't been happening. So I was like, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't want to have sex. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: And he's like, well, that's okay, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: it's not. You should be able to like if I
Speaker 1: told I can tell him this a lot, but if
Speaker 1: you want to another person, like I don't want to
Speaker 1: break up with you, like you could do that, and
Speaker 1: he goes he keeps saying that I don't want to
Speaker 1: do that. I think sometimes saying that too much can
Speaker 1: also make the other person feel bad. I'm sure it does. Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: I totally kind of was gathering at as heat because
Speaker 1: it seems it seems like you're giving someone a treat,
Speaker 1: but really that's just getting him off my back, giving
Speaker 1: a chort to somebody else not and then not that
Speaker 1: it is a short at all, but that's what it
Speaker 1: feels totally. But then I was like, can we just
Speaker 1: masterbait next to each other? And he's like yeah. I
Speaker 1: was like okay, and then we did. It was so hot,
Speaker 1: So there you go. So mutual metro basing kids, it's fun.
Speaker 1: I mean sometimes I think it is just like you
Speaker 1: almost and it sounds weird, but because it's not weird,
Speaker 1: because you're doing it to yourself. You have to force
Speaker 1: yourself to have sex or to get sexual. And then
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about with someone you met at a
Speaker 1: bar on Friday part along, I'm talking about with the
Speaker 1: long term part. Yeah, that's an isolated I gotta funk Dan.
Speaker 1: I just met him like so sometimes because just sometimes
Speaker 1: you just get out of the habit almost yeah, and
Speaker 1: then you have to get back and then usually as
Speaker 1: soon as you have the sex again, it kind of
Speaker 1: like reignites that. It's like it's like when your pilot
Speaker 1: like goes out on your stove and then as soon
Speaker 1: as you realize it, everything's back cook mashed potatoes. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it gets burnt, like it gets blown out, you know,
Speaker 1: just yea. And really, mutual masturbation is highly underrated activity
Speaker 1: between sexual partners. It really is, because boy, oh boy,
Speaker 1: do I love watching a guy grab his dick? See,
Speaker 1: I like, I like don't like doing things in Uniston
Speaker 1: at all because for me that I can't concentrate on
Speaker 1: two things that once, Like if I'm masturbating, I'm getting
Speaker 1: I get way too into it. So I would like
Speaker 1: some mouse masturbates and then I'm asked like take turn.
Speaker 1: So it is when you because I just like I
Speaker 1: would like to watch and only be watching, like I'm
Speaker 1: not like I don't like to multitask sexually. Oh no,
Speaker 1: A sixty nine is the worst. A hate six. It's
Speaker 1: so dumb and do you know everybody likes it? Actually
Speaker 1: I do? I feel like I did. We've probably talked
Speaker 1: to a bunch of I mean guys, guys in my
Speaker 1: experience like it, like most of my boyfriend It's like
Speaker 1: I don't. I'll do it every now and again, just
Speaker 1: like because it's something different, because like I know if
Speaker 1: like my partner likes it, but yeah, it's an acrobatic trick.
Speaker 1: But no, I'm sure he would. Um has he tried
Speaker 1: and you like shuffled him away? He has not tried.
Speaker 1: He has not tried. Okay, But that's the other thing.
Speaker 1: Like Stephen likes doing it and I like getting it
Speaker 1: done to me, and that's great. But I've just been
Speaker 1: like lately have been on shore about that air Like
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, just a weird or whatever. I just
Speaker 1: if there is an inkling of something might go wrong,
Speaker 1: which is stupid because what's the worst thing that can happen?
Speaker 1: I shop in his mouth, Say, that's the worst thing
Speaker 1: you would know before that exactly happened exactly unless you're
Speaker 1: like putting it on like a like a feeding like
Speaker 1: a feeding pouch on his mouth. It's a voluntary What
Speaker 1: the fund is that horror film where they're so the mouth,
Speaker 1: but it's like intentional, right, yeah, the willing said to
Speaker 1: be Also, I mean, I'm in the very early stages
Speaker 1: of my relationship, don't We're yeah, we're purposely taking it
Speaker 1: super so because like we're both like huge hore like
Speaker 1: or previously huge hors means acually. Yeah, so we're like
Speaker 1: we're kind of like, well, we've done everything, so let's
Speaker 1: just like be like quote unquote normal. Yeah, and like
Speaker 1: kind of boy, it's nice have like missionary sex. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's nice to be more Why I never really do that,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I love missionary. I don't I like being
Speaker 1: on top, but it just for me, it feels better.
Speaker 1: Does missionary mean the guys on top? Yeah? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: thought missionary was just like someone's on top of someone. Oh,
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't. I don't call me on top
Speaker 1: mission I think when people say missionary, I think they're
Speaker 1: pretty much always referring to the girls laying down and
Speaker 1: the guys sticking a big old chicken. What a fun afternoon. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's a little claustrophobic for me,
Speaker 1: especially because my boyfriends a lot bigger than me, you know,
Speaker 1: so much tallerant stuff. I don't know, but anyway, he
Speaker 1: was trying to lick my butt a few times. Ago,
Speaker 1: and I was like, no, can you not? And he goes,
Speaker 1: but and that little pickle in the middle of sex
Speaker 1: runs it for me. Oh, of course, you can't get
Speaker 1: in a fight in the middle of stuff. Can't because
Speaker 1: I'm like, buddy, if I'm doing I'm saying, don't do that.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's for your own good, right, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Any any warnings about the butt
Speaker 1: should be taken serious, without question. Yeah, and without feeling
Speaker 1: trust involved. Yeah, just trust me for sure. Of course,
Speaker 1: come to more shows. Yeah, I have to open up
Speaker 1: this email. But there's a fun show tonight. Yes, tonight
Speaker 1: is the two year anniversary of Nacho Bitches, hosted by
Speaker 1: myself and Blair Saki, with special guest Christie Thank you.
Speaker 1: Karen c Hans also going to be there. Gonna be great,
Speaker 1: you know her. The tickets are only ten dollars with
Speaker 1: Nacho It's at New York Comedy Club. My club has
Speaker 1: something so wonderful to us and an excited to party
Speaker 1: with you guys. Dude. That's always a fun show. Our
Speaker 1: Subculture Test tour date in July. You can't come because
Speaker 1: it's sold out. Sorry, better luck next time. Just that
Speaker 1: was just mean, we just wanted to put I Love you.
Speaker 1: And then on Wednesday, July at nine pm, The Comedian Project,
Speaker 1: co hosted by myself and Katie Hanigan is back at
Speaker 1: the Standing Room. That's a really fun show. Five dollars
Speaker 1: with code sex, no drink, limb. Just come. It's a
Speaker 1: small intimate and then we don't talk about beautiful cocktails
Speaker 1: and we don't talk about relationships, dating or sex. So
Speaker 1: you don't give your ears a rest? Yeah, come on yours.
Speaker 1: I was just like dumbles, your dumbfet holes. Isn't that
Speaker 1: what we all are speaking of? Dumb fat horse. Myself
Speaker 1: and Whitney Starling are co hosting Glamor Puss and so
Speaker 1: I know, I know we're not dumb. Well whatever, I
Speaker 1: don't even care. Call me you want, I don't give
Speaker 1: a shit. Saturday, July pm, Zinc Bar in the West
Speaker 1: Village is eighty two third Street. Is Wendy's Darling and
Speaker 1: I's monthly show, Glamour Puss. It's gonna be a fucking
Speaker 1: fun time. The show always sells out, so get your tickets.
Speaker 1: The link for all of these shows are in the
Speaker 1: description of this podcast, and if you live in Montreal, Canada,
Speaker 1: On Friday, July twenty nine, Karena and I will be
Speaker 1: doing a live recording of Guys We Fucked, and there
Speaker 1: are still some tickets left. We want to sell this
Speaker 1: motherfucker out. So tell your friends, tell your kids, tell
Speaker 1: your wife, tell your husband, tell your dog. You can come.
Speaker 1: I mean he can stay outside. I'll pen them afterwards. Um,
Speaker 1: we're coming, thirty, We're coming to it. We're coming to
Speaker 1: day early to Montreal for you guys, because the first
Speaker 1: show sold us. We want to sell this out so bad,
Speaker 1: just because my ego can't take it if we don't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was like him. I was like, don't beg that
Speaker 1: it'll help. Yeah, that's true, it'll it'll happen. Don't worry,
Speaker 1: don't buy tickets. Buck you guys. Fuck you guys. I
Speaker 1: hope you don't come kidding please. Oh. Speaking of coming,
Speaker 1: this episode of Guys We Fund is brought to you
Speaker 1: by Blue Apron, Right, guys coming Blue Apron. Uh. Sex
Speaker 1: and food are my two favorite things. I thought you
Speaker 1: were trying to rhyme coming with Apron and I was like,
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Speaker 1: pitches and the instructions and you make this beautiful meal
Speaker 1: and then you set it down on the table and
Speaker 1: then your boyfriend goes looks good and you're like a sucking,
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Speaker 1: So don't wait, got a blue apron dot com slash
Speaker 1: g WF and get cooking fucker's blue apron a better way?
Speaker 1: Did they write fuckers in there? No? I did, I
Speaker 1: was saying. I was like, um, I got my parents
Speaker 1: blue apron. I got my dad blue apron for Father's
Speaker 1: Day and they fucking love it. And it's like, honestly
Speaker 1: bonded them. That's good. She said. My mom texted me
Speaker 1: and she texts me all the meals she cooks. I'm
Speaker 1: so excited for it because she has tremors, so she
Speaker 1: stakes so I don't think she'd want to do blue Apron,
Speaker 1: but she fucking loves it, and she's like, your father
Speaker 1: and I have never cooked together. I'm like, how fucking
Speaker 1: romantic blue Apron. You saved my parents marriage. Blue Apron
Speaker 1: made mebe You just reignited it. Yeah, probably they were.
Speaker 1: They weren't on the rock. A lot of hell ship
Speaker 1: start rumors about your core parents. TMZ. Your mom just
Speaker 1: gonna send your text message. Are we getting divorced? Oh god,
Speaker 1: I hope she doesn't want Oh yeah, I did have
Speaker 1: a personal update. Actually, my mom got a smartphone and
Speaker 1: is now texting me regularly. Sorry, I like it because
Speaker 1: you know why with the election, it's it's great because
Speaker 1: like my mom is like like the assistant I've always wanted,
Speaker 1: and that she will read the news for me, summarize
Speaker 1: it and then tell it to me in a way
Speaker 1: that I will understand. That's amazing, Like she knows child. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm the dumb child, and look how well I'm doing.
Speaker 1: So let's say you're not that dumb. I'm not that dumb.
Speaker 1: But still in my family, I am compared to your
Speaker 1: Brian and my mom and my dad, I am the
Speaker 1: dumb one. But I mean, all things considered, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's great. Well I was when my mom got a
Speaker 1: fart smart at smooth. You wish she got a fart phone.
Speaker 1: You would like, there's no one on the planet who
Speaker 1: would who would love a phone more than Christina Hutcheson. Well,
Speaker 1: have you ever said, smart, fella, I fell a smart
Speaker 1: ten times fast. We're we're veering off, but really quick.
Speaker 1: Have I ever said, say, okay, say this, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be able to do it. I'm sure smart fella,
Speaker 1: smart fella, I fella smart, smart fella, I fella. I
Speaker 1: can't even say that once really smart fella, I fell
Speaker 1: a smart Yes, say smart fella. I smell fella, smart guy,
Speaker 1: smell a Fart's so funny. They only took me to
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't even say that ten times.
Speaker 1: I can't even remember that. If you ever want to
Speaker 1: get along with a child, just tell him to do
Speaker 1: that and they laugh and it's great. Oh. I always
Speaker 1: just say, like booger. You can just say booger to
Speaker 1: a child and it's funny, and then they think it's funny,
Speaker 1: and then it makes you laugh because you're watching them laugh, right,
Speaker 1: and thus spreading joy. You guys, we're talking about I
Speaker 1: don't know got my mom got a smartphon. And then
Speaker 1: she was texting, but she's really good at texting. I
Speaker 1: was worried she wasn't gonna be like too overbearing perfect. No,
Speaker 1: my mom was pretty good good at it. And then
Speaker 1: also she used emojis and I was very proud of her.
Speaker 1: And then I hit her back with kimmoji and I
Speaker 1: was like, tell me to get at I was like,
Speaker 1: tell me, when you're in the big leagues, you let
Speaker 1: me hit her up with the move emoji. Yeah. Actually,
Speaker 1: And also she emailed me about lastek's episode and wanted
Speaker 1: me to retract something. I don't know what I I forgot,
Speaker 1: but basically she wanted to make it very clear that
Speaker 1: she would have given me the sex talk, but it
Speaker 1: was difficult enough to explain to me how to insert
Speaker 1: a tampon, so she was like, you just handle that
Speaker 1: for herself, figure it out. That was That was the
Speaker 1: feeling of the email. Love you mom. Hi. So the
Speaker 1: subject of this first fucker email is called farting in
Speaker 1: my sleep? Please help? And I was like, this one
Speaker 1: must be for me. Ye anyway, hey, gear else. First off,
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of the show and I love
Speaker 1: you both so much and blah blah blah, perfect summary.
Speaker 1: My name is Victoria. And then she said in parenthesies
Speaker 1: you can say I don't give a fun My boyfriend
Speaker 1: and I have been together for a year and a half.
Speaker 1: We lived two hours apart, so getting to spend the
Speaker 1: night together each weekend is kind of a treat. Anyway,
Speaker 1: last night, I think I farted in my sleep more
Speaker 1: than one bitch, and I'm so scared that he heard it.
Speaker 1: We do not do that in front of each other.
Speaker 1: It was so much that it woke me up what
Speaker 1: do I do? Do I tell him about it? Should
Speaker 1: we talk about it? Please help? I know Karin has
Speaker 1: this fear. It's like sometimes you sit after you record
Speaker 1: an episode of Guys we fucked and you're like, people
Speaker 1: know the wrong tidbits about me? You know, but you
Speaker 1: do have that fear. This is not but it's like
Speaker 1: also like that's not what I yeah, you know that.
Speaker 1: It's a small fear on my list of fears of fear.
Speaker 1: And nonetheless, I hope she woke up in the middle
Speaker 1: of the night from her fart and thought of you.
Speaker 1: She was like, I musty Krinn, please please, I want
Speaker 1: my boyfriend to have sex with me again. That was
Speaker 1: my favorite part. I attached a photo of us on
Speaker 1: vacation in Memphis for Ships right, because you just shipped
Speaker 1: your bed. Basically, oh god, I just love you. Bitch's
Speaker 1: Victoria from New Jersey holler ps totally drunk writiness. You
Speaker 1: don't say, actually that makes me feel better. We get
Speaker 1: a lot of drunk emails. It's nice. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's like I feel still wanted even though I'm in
Speaker 1: a relationship. From what Sometimes people email a stone and
Speaker 1: I'll read it while I'm also Stone and all connect,
Speaker 1: all email them back and be like we're still sisters.
Speaker 1: They'll be like, whoa, you're all back. I'm like, you
Speaker 1: know we've got a bed after I eat this sandwich
Speaker 1: peanut butter and jelly. This is so funny. This email
Speaker 1: made me laugh so hard because Number one, if you've
Speaker 1: been dating for a year and a half, girl, long time,
Speaker 1: you know you think he has heard you far? But
Speaker 1: he far? He? I mean I when I when have
Speaker 1: you far in front of James yet? Uh? Not purposely,
Speaker 1: but I'm sure in my sleep. I mean, I ate
Speaker 1: a ship ton of potato salad, yester, so I can
Speaker 1: only imagine it. I can only I mean I had
Speaker 1: a box of lactate, like on call at the FOT
Speaker 1: July barbecue. Um, I haven't done on purpose in front.
Speaker 1: He's definitely done it on purpose in front of me.
Speaker 1: And then what do you think of that? I mean,
Speaker 1: I, I I mean, what do I really think of it? Well?
Speaker 1: I guess the romance is gone, That's what that's my
Speaker 1: real thought. I mean, I don't. I honestly don't care
Speaker 1: as long as I cannot. If I do, I don't
Speaker 1: smell it because when I smell it, then you dealt
Speaker 1: it and then chick it's real. And then also my
Speaker 1: bedroom is right next to my bathroom, so like sometimes
Speaker 1: like it's my pop Well, no, I just will know
Speaker 1: what's happening, and then I'll have to put headphones on
Speaker 1: or something so I don't hear it. Sometimes I'll hear
Speaker 1: wiping in my bathroom and I'm like, I want to
Speaker 1: hear that. Wait, you hear wiping because the walls are
Speaker 1: thinner than you think. Could you hear the toilet paper,
Speaker 1: the spin or the actual? I hear the actual. I
Speaker 1: mean it's a part of go into the bathroom. But
Speaker 1: you're so amazed that you can hear why I have
Speaker 1: sonar ears? Wow, it's annoying. So yeah, so and I
Speaker 1: mean there's been times when I pretended that I didn't
Speaker 1: hear just just I don't know, PLoP PLoP. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't need to hear that. God, I mean that's what
Speaker 1: they are. Yeah, I don't know. That turns me off?
Speaker 1: Boy does that turn me off? Yeah? Well? Also I think,
Speaker 1: but I think farting in your sleep is like a
Speaker 1: horse of a different color, though I don't totally I
Speaker 1: don't think it's the same because number one it's not
Speaker 1: a turn off because you can't help it. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: can't help it if you're both sleeping. He was probably
Speaker 1: like kind of out of anyway, he might not even remember,
Speaker 1: and also like you've just been together long enough at
Speaker 1: this point that it's a half girl. It doesn't matter. Yes,
Speaker 1: sleep farts and he knows your secret. You fart. Farts
Speaker 1: are like not really big, like big offenders. You know,
Speaker 1: they're usually not overpowering. Now unless, oh unless it is
Speaker 1: my one role. It's one rule in my relationship. Don't
Speaker 1: fart in front of the fucking fan because it's gonna
Speaker 1: But we sleep with a fan blowing on us, and
Speaker 1: it blows air on us when that on purpose, No,
Speaker 1: but it happens, I gotta smell it, and I get mad.
Speaker 1: But I have no one to get mad a because
Speaker 1: it's not his fault, right right, right, But yeah, but
Speaker 1: but but but the sleeping thing, you don't mean to Yeah,
Speaker 1: And my favorite part of the email actually was do
Speaker 1: we need to talk about it? I know we are
Speaker 1: big proponents on their show of talking about everything. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say, you don't gotta talk about everything. You do
Speaker 1: not have to talk about that. Well, also because that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: You don't need What are you gonna do, Nathan, I've
Speaker 1: been wanting to talk to you a long time about
Speaker 1: my sleep farts because like I know you heard them.
Speaker 1: Like I mean, if it was like an actual medical
Speaker 1: problem that you had, it were like every nay, you're
Speaker 1: gonna be farting NonStop, Like that's a conversation. But like
Speaker 1: if one time in a year and a half, you
Speaker 1: think you farted a couple of times in your sleep, girl,
Speaker 1: it's okay, you're gon p I they have bigger problems
Speaker 1: in the world, but just getting cut off and yeah,
Speaker 1: the bodies cut off whatever, And I think general girls
Speaker 1: are just more gross. I'll buy stuff like that anyway.
Speaker 1: Like every time I've farted in front of a boyfriend,
Speaker 1: like they honestly think it's cute and I know and
Speaker 1: like think we're bonded closer now so annoying. They're like, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I didn't mean to do that. You don't don't think
Speaker 1: you can do that. The smell is the worst, Yeah,
Speaker 1: when it smells bad. Yeah, And I mean, I think
Speaker 1: I usually, like you've been with your body your whole life,
Speaker 1: you know when it's going to be a smelly one.
Speaker 1: You know what you ate, girl, You know what you ate?
Speaker 1: You know those punges sow patch fast that seek up
Speaker 1: on you. You open up my fitness pelle, and you
Speaker 1: look at your diary, your food diary. You know what
Speaker 1: you did? Look at your food diary, ugly hole. And
Speaker 1: if you don't see the answer, you can keeping things
Speaker 1: from your food diary. Can't keep secrets from the food
Speaker 1: diary because your fart sleep. So let everybody know. Don't
Speaker 1: lie to your goddamn diary. If you're lieing in a diary,
Speaker 1: you're really cheating yourself out of a good life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's such a true thing. Yeah, I never even thought
Speaker 1: that until now. Yeah, you really bring out the brilliance
Speaker 1: of me. But I also just hope that you're not
Speaker 1: a vegetarian or a macrobiotics. The animals and the planet
Speaker 1: appreciate you, but your partner does not stop it. Eat
Speaker 1: animals kids, all right, if you want your relationship to last,
Speaker 1: eat animals, beat dat someone else who just doesn't. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: because then you're then then you're far too small, really bad.
Speaker 1: But then also your partners will too, so then they'll
Speaker 1: just cancel your both. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Um. Last week
Speaker 1: we read an email from a lady who was sexually
Speaker 1: harassed by guys that played against her in hockey league.
Speaker 1: UM in Canada. We had a lot of responses. Difi
Speaker 1: was very worked up about that. You know what I
Speaker 1: gotta fucking say. We didn't get give a call to action.
Speaker 1: We just read the email like we do. We didn't
Speaker 1: have every female hockey player in Canada do a little
Speaker 1: thirties second clip playing Hockey Canada at the intro. We
Speaker 1: worked so hard on the fucking gay intro. You guys,
Speaker 1: um no, but this this was I've never really, we've
Speaker 1: never had such a response um from the listeners via
Speaker 1: tweets and emails and and messages. We were bcced on
Speaker 1: multiple emails to the Alberta Hockey League and I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: I really have a lot of faith in humanity. Like
Speaker 1: people were worked up about it and they decided to
Speaker 1: make a difference on their own and that makes bring
Speaker 1: so much joy to my heart. There was a woman
Speaker 1: who emailed most I remember, she's like, my mom and
Speaker 1: my dad are both in biker gangs, but like good ones,
Speaker 1: like gangs against violence against children, Like so I could
Speaker 1: I can have like my mom's badass biker gang like
Speaker 1: sit in the stands like because they look tough as fuck.
Speaker 1: And then there's a bunch of guys that tweeted like
Speaker 1: I want to be her personal security guard like that.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of anger. And I gotta say, like,
Speaker 1: this is a fucking horrible email. Like we had received
Speaker 1: an email a couple weeks prior to us reading it,
Speaker 1: and it just stuck in my mind of like, Dad,
Speaker 1: we gotta read that because that's so fucked up. So um.
Speaker 1: A guy from the Alberta Hockey League emailed us and
Speaker 1: he was like, hey, somebody emailed us because they listened
Speaker 1: to you read a letter on your podcast. I listened
Speaker 1: to the episode of the podcast. I was appalled, this
Speaker 1: is unacceptable, blah blah blah um. And then and then
Speaker 1: he was like, and then I got past the title
Speaker 1: of the podcast after I realized that yes, I should
Speaker 1: take you seriously. You do have thoughts and opinions that
Speaker 1: maybe he should be hurt. I don't know. Um. So
Speaker 1: she he wanted to be put in touch with the girl.
Speaker 1: The girl's a minor, and also it's no one's business
Speaker 1: except pers So I wanted to be like, hey is
Speaker 1: this school, this is the email he sent us. You
Speaker 1: don't have to do anything you don't want to, because
Speaker 1: that's the one thing that we try not to do.
Speaker 1: Like I'm not you ask us for advice, We'll give
Speaker 1: it to you. But you know, I also don't want
Speaker 1: to tell people how to handle her. Can't make people
Speaker 1: take a stance like exactly. But that's like we're we're up.
Speaker 1: We're like, yeah, stand up and fight for right. Were
Speaker 1: your rights? But if you don't want to stand up
Speaker 1: and fight, then don't do it. That's also your right,
Speaker 1: absolutely down and don't fight for your It's like, well,
Speaker 1: all the matrix be a lazy piece of ship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but yeah, so I asked her. I was like, would
Speaker 1: this be okay? Yeah? So, but I asked her. I
Speaker 1: was like, hey, we're getting a lot of but this
Speaker 1: was before the Pockey league guy. He I was like,
Speaker 1: we're getting a lot of people that are piste off
Speaker 1: about what happened to you, And you know, I just
Speaker 1: want to get a feel for is this guy still
Speaker 1: going unpunished? Is he still doing it to you? Is
Speaker 1: it there there are other people or is this one
Speaker 1: ship ahead? What is it? And I just want to
Speaker 1: read this because this is a continuation of her story. UM, Hey,
Speaker 1: Christina and Karan, I just heard you guys read my
Speaker 1: email on the podcast. I wanted to thank you both
Speaker 1: for taking the time to share my experience with your listeners.
Speaker 1: I'm very privileged in the fact that my parents are
Speaker 1: financially well off and a lawyer has been something we've
Speaker 1: considered many times. I'm definitely interested in wishing my email
Speaker 1: because that was something one of the listeners asked um
Speaker 1: for to be wanting to do. I believe it could
Speaker 1: attract a lot of attention and hopefully force the league
Speaker 1: to create a policy so that young girls will not
Speaker 1: have to deal with this in the future. There has
Speaker 1: been no changes with that situation, as the guy continues
Speaker 1: to play hockey unpunished with no consequences. My family even
Speaker 1: tried to search the team's roster online too, at the
Speaker 1: very least get the guy's name, But the coach was smart.
Speaker 1: Right after the incident, he erased all the files of
Speaker 1: the team off the internet. I wish I could say
Speaker 1: that this was the only incident there has been and
Speaker 1: that it just happened to be one bad guy. But
Speaker 1: last summer, but last weekend, excuse me, I played in
Speaker 1: another hockey tournament for a different league, still all boys,
Speaker 1: and had a similar experience. I was playing hockey again,
Speaker 1: and I was having a very good game, as I
Speaker 1: had scored three goals at this point. Um. At this point,
Speaker 1: the other team was furious. Three goals. That's amazing, she's
Speaker 1: this chick rules at hockey. UM. So anyway, they were furious.
Speaker 1: So one of them skated up to me and said
Speaker 1: fuck you. So I wasn't phase at all, and I
Speaker 1: said shut up. And then he turned looked at me
Speaker 1: and said, you fucking shut up right now before I
Speaker 1: shoved my cock in that pretty little mouth of yours.
Speaker 1: Don't say a word, because if you do, I will
Speaker 1: fuck you up. I will punch you so hard in
Speaker 1: your fucking head. That was not original. A guy on
Speaker 1: my team had heard everything and jumped on top of
Speaker 1: the guy, punching him in the head continuously. They were
Speaker 1: pulled off of each other and the game continued on.
Speaker 1: But I couldn't skate for more than ten seconds without
Speaker 1: someone from the other team screaming things like hey baby,
Speaker 1: you're so sexy. Want to funk after the game, or
Speaker 1: the whole team including the coach, would cat call as
Speaker 1: I skated past the bench. The referees witnessed the whole
Speaker 1: thing and yet did nothing. I couldn't help myself. I
Speaker 1: began to cry and I skated off the ice. I
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna deal with the harassment anymore. As I left,
Speaker 1: my whole team followed. They said if you don't play,
Speaker 1: we don't play, as we are a team. But the
Speaker 1: referee came up to us as we got off the
Speaker 1: ice and said that if we didn't get back on
Speaker 1: on the ice, we would all be suspended for ten games.
Speaker 1: So everyone but myself went to finish the game, and
Speaker 1: as I looked up, I realized their co which was
Speaker 1: mocking me, saying that I was an attention horror. My
Speaker 1: mom screamed across the ice, telling me, telling the coach
Speaker 1: you better watch his players, and he yelled back, Oh yeah, lady,
Speaker 1: if there's an issue, meet me in the parking lot
Speaker 1: after the game and we can settle it. Ill mature
Speaker 1: after we left the arena immediately with a police escort. Thankfully,
Speaker 1: this league kicked the team out of the tournament and
Speaker 1: suspended three of their players and the coach for three
Speaker 1: regular season games, but the other league still has not
Speaker 1: been still has not given me justice and my family
Speaker 1: as well as I refused to be silent, and I
Speaker 1: want to make a difference for young girls everywhere participating
Speaker 1: uh in a sport mostly dominated by males. My goal
Speaker 1: is to hopefully get a sexual harassment policy in place
Speaker 1: so that future incidents cannot happen. I understand that violence
Speaker 1: and trash chalk are a part of hockey and there's
Speaker 1: a big difference between that and sexual harassment. Once again,
Speaker 1: thank you both so much. I really hope difference can
Speaker 1: be made. Yeah, sure, sure, I think that's the important
Speaker 1: because I mean, these things sound horrendous, but like anyone
Speaker 1: who's not familiar with hockey, yo, it's really violent and
Speaker 1: and and ship talk. I'm sure on courts because it
Speaker 1: is usually a lot of men just in a situation
Speaker 1: like it's a lot of test toss and there's yelling.
Speaker 1: It's it's not a good glorifying this violent masculinity. Be
Speaker 1: it's not cool. But I mean I think she's smart
Speaker 1: to know that, like, hey, well I'm I'm kind of
Speaker 1: like in the guy's league, like I need to play
Speaker 1: by their rules in a way. I think that's smart,
Speaker 1: but it's one of the main thing is like they're
Speaker 1: not saying I'm gonna stick a cock in your mouth
Speaker 1: to the other guys. It's not fucking happy they don't, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they want to on the safety Yeah, because this
Speaker 1: is yeah, this is way different and sexual harassment and
Speaker 1: it's it's disgusting. Yeah. So, like we said, after she
Speaker 1: had set me that email, Brad from the Early contacted
Speaker 1: us and I asked him to keep us up to date.
Speaker 1: I asked her to keep us up to date. A
Speaker 1: couple of reporters had contacted us. We put them so
Speaker 1: maybe the cool I'm like, dude, we should if we
Speaker 1: fucking if we fuck it. If there's a sexual harassment
Speaker 1: policy that it's put into play, that is fucking cool
Speaker 1: because psively making change, be an active citizen of the world.
Speaker 1: So thank you everybody who was concerned and showed you
Speaker 1: your anger and yeah, that made me really happy that.
Speaker 1: I'm like, it was a lot of dudes. I'm like,
Speaker 1: thank you. And the men on the girls team fucking rule, right,
Speaker 1: I know. I was like, I kind of where so
Speaker 1: that they had just like gotten suspended by like just
Speaker 1: walking off, because that's that's really saying something, and that's
Speaker 1: saying like, no, this is something that absolutely needs to change.
Speaker 1: But I think everyone's doing their part in a way
Speaker 1: and we're getting there. So yeah, we'll keep you updating.
Speaker 1: We'll let you know if we need anything else from you. Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1: Um so yeah, thanks guys. All right, um this week's
Speaker 1: guest on Guys. We thought he is amazing. He's gay,
Speaker 1: he's Iranian. He is a comic who has passed at
Speaker 1: the best comedy club in the world, the Comedy Seller.
Speaker 1: Uh and we're so happy to have him. He tells
Speaker 1: us this, it's my favorite and yeah, if I was like,
Speaker 1: just just buckle up before ladies and gentlemen, please give
Speaker 1: it up for the rod Kagani, she said to meet.
Speaker 1: You're gonna settle someday soon and you'll be under the
Speaker 1: rule for state home. You've been makin mell fucketty on
Speaker 1: the mama. I can't bus see your future, Olden. Such
Speaker 1: a thing. I'm still babing, not ashamed to say. It's
Speaker 1: not a question of boating. To be in the fraid
Speaker 1: Lammy Tabby succeed. It makes me happy and I don't
Speaker 1: want to imagine it's so tragic waiting for and that
Speaker 1: a magic lappy taffy so sweet it makes me happy
Speaker 1: and I don't want to imagine it's so tragic waiting
Speaker 1: for with that a magical certificate at the end of
Speaker 1: the day. Girth, you know what I mean? Yeah, girth
Speaker 1: is like my favorite part of a girl. I can't
Speaker 1: do a slender penis. I'm a girl. I know you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. My choice puts see my choice
Speaker 1: so um and just that way when we when granted
Speaker 1: back down, just be like this close to the mind.
Speaker 1: I can do that. Can you put on your lap?
Speaker 1: Can I freak? Hell? Yeah? Wait? So yeah girl, yes,
Speaker 1: God have a back. Came in with a back. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's right. It's literally my worst quality is I lose everything. Wait,
Speaker 1: but you were just saying, okay, we're here with meron murder.
Speaker 1: We were practicing before you came. I texted Jay Not
Speaker 1: and I was like, please, I need I did to
Speaker 1: say it. He was like, you got to say he
Speaker 1: was good? Um, you said your boyfriend turned a home
Speaker 1: into a housewife. Yes he did. Um. I mean like
Speaker 1: I was incredibly promiscuous and I had a great time
Speaker 1: of that. Uh, let's say from roughly twenty, like eighteen
Speaker 1: to twenty, was training wheels, just seeing my first dicks,
Speaker 1: playing with my first dicks when he first saw it
Speaker 1: needed to be scared of the dick. No, I was
Speaker 1: never scared of the dickau I was a dick. Well no,
Speaker 1: And I was so super excited to see one like
Speaker 1: and play with one that without having to see it
Speaker 1: in straight porn. Yeah. Do you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: like going to a vagina and basically get ruined. Well,
Speaker 1: it's I say it like I'm not afraid of the
Speaker 1: mean streets of Chinatown. You know, I'm not not like
Speaker 1: I ate a pussy. I had to pretend it was.
Speaker 1: I did, uh what you pretended? A pussy wasn't an anis?
Speaker 1: Wasn't anis? And then I gave like I gave a
Speaker 1: vagina analingus. Sometimes when I eat my boyfriend's butt out
Speaker 1: pretendants of vaginas exactly. No, that's total. I'm not like
Speaker 1: I don't want to eat a vagina, but I rather
Speaker 1: eat his ass. But I'm also like, rather like it's
Speaker 1: a it's a mussy, it's it's a man. That's correct.
Speaker 1: Do you ever put your dick in between your flacci
Speaker 1: dick in between your legs. You're like, man ngina. I
Speaker 1: mean every guy does that from the minute. I would
Speaker 1: do it all the day. Yeah, of course I play
Speaker 1: with my boobs because I feel like guys like play
Speaker 1: with my too. I used to not be able to,
Speaker 1: but at the tender age, and I play with my
Speaker 1: titties all the time. That's awesome. Well they're fun. Let's
Speaker 1: start to the very beginning. Ways played with my titties. Actually,
Speaker 1: really when you're a bad kid. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I I played with my little pre adolescent. How did
Speaker 1: you play with I stuggle like I can cleave it,
Speaker 1: and then I would like, I would like titty fuck
Speaker 1: everything in my house. It's fine, you would, I would.
Speaker 1: I would have things. Yeah. Did that give you? I
Speaker 1: was really like everything was you did this? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I would shack things off between my fat what ten
Speaker 1: year old? What does that give you a sense of humor?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Like I did. It was
Speaker 1: a pleasurable like no, no, no no, no, I didn't get
Speaker 1: horny over it. It was like I used to make
Speaker 1: butts out of like my elbow, like, look, it's a butt.
Speaker 1: My mom would be like, shut everything's a bud if
Speaker 1: you look hard enough, still funny girls like yeah, it
Speaker 1: is so funny. So, um, where where were you born
Speaker 1: in America? I was born in London. Thank you Brexit rely,
Speaker 1: Um yeah, no, I was born in London. Because I've
Speaker 1: talked about a million times. I'm an anchor baby. My
Speaker 1: family needed to get out of revolutionary Iran made a
Speaker 1: baby outside of the country to get everyone papers to
Speaker 1: escape route. I was their escape route. It's called an
Speaker 1: anchor baby. That's so smart. I've never even heard of that.
Speaker 1: I don't know. And like my mom like literally she
Speaker 1: got knocked up in Iran, like went to England by herself,
Speaker 1: plopped me out there, and then everyone got papers to London.
Speaker 1: There wasn't one way, I mean she would. My parents
Speaker 1: had lived in England previously with my older brothers, and
Speaker 1: my mom's her water broke at Herod's she was shopping.
Speaker 1: She went and she like kind of like glided into
Speaker 1: a ten fell out like it was a very easy.
Speaker 1: I was a third you know what I mean. No, No No, no,
Speaker 1: my middle brother blew her Vaginanta like a tire like
Speaker 1: it just it's uh he did because how do you know?
Speaker 1: Because my mother she talks about it. She hates him
Speaker 1: the most one. She hates all of us. But she
Speaker 1: my first brother was born like ounces underweight, like mirror
Speaker 1: ounces underweight, and all the Ronnie and sort of like
Speaker 1: hens like gather around my mother and they were like,
Speaker 1: you know, you need to eat a lot more for
Speaker 1: your second baby because your first baby was born slightly underweight.
Speaker 1: You're an evil witch. You can't raise people. My mother
Speaker 1: was just like being fed by everyone in Iran, like
Speaker 1: literally the full sixty million population where everyone was feeding
Speaker 1: my mother. And then she was so out of shape
Speaker 1: for my second brother that like she had her first
Speaker 1: contraction and lost consciousness. There's a picture of her like
Speaker 1: and then she like falls like she's passed up. Your
Speaker 1: dad was like otnity and this I don't. I shouldn't
Speaker 1: talk about this next part, but I want you to.
Speaker 1: I know I want to too. But she will now
Speaker 1: you open the door. She's not dead yet. I can't, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll come in. About her vagina. It's about her virgin
Speaker 1: They had to snip it a fucket had to snip
Speaker 1: it a little bit to get my brother out. It's
Speaker 1: totally normal, but they snipped one of her sphincter muscles.
Speaker 1: So when she lies down, wait, no, no, no, it's fine.
Speaker 1: When she lies down, she can't control her farts. So like,
Speaker 1: if she was ever cussing me out from bed when
Speaker 1: I was little, she'd be like, and your grades are terrible,
Speaker 1: and your faggonty and you need to get like throughout
Speaker 1: like a cuss out. She would get like that, your
Speaker 1: mom is using the word faggotty. She was. It was.
Speaker 1: It wasn't easy speaking of faggoting. Yeah, how how did
Speaker 1: he deal with the suck? No? Like, how are your parents?
Speaker 1: It was awful. I was kicked out of the house
Speaker 1: because it's illegal in Iran currently to be a yeah,
Speaker 1: it's beyond yes, it's absolutely illegal, and it's it's punished
Speaker 1: by death. It's not punishable by death, so you die
Speaker 1: if you're gay, and I like, if three men of
Speaker 1: repute point their finger at you and say that we
Speaker 1: know for a fact your homo, at that point you
Speaker 1: have the choice of renouncing your homosexuality or by just
Speaker 1: being like JK, know a little bit JK, or like,
Speaker 1: or I promised not to practice it or whatever, I
Speaker 1: admit that you guys caught me and never again, or
Speaker 1: you can have a forced sex change. What is what?
Speaker 1: What they can they will reassign your gender. Oh, that's
Speaker 1: so they're mistaking homosexuality. Would transgender like what they're saying,
Speaker 1: like they're conflating it isn't they're saying, your desire for men,
Speaker 1: it makes a woman is not a natural if you
Speaker 1: have a vagina, right, I say, so, so you can
Speaker 1: live or we can chop your cock off. Do they
Speaker 1: pay for that gender? I mean I imagine it seems
Speaker 1: like a waste of money. Just let them suck dicks
Speaker 1: for free. Yeah, and they probably, like the top religious figures,
Speaker 1: probably do let them suck there. Why do they kill? Yeah?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean because invariably correct? Yeah? What
Speaker 1: the fucking fuck? Why? Right? Um? And then the other
Speaker 1: option is murder? Is death? They put you to death,
Speaker 1: guly ship, it's murder, right, Yeah, But it's I mean,
Speaker 1: that's something that's even happening because who the hell in
Speaker 1: their right mind would come out right to get busted? Right, Like,
Speaker 1: are there like secret probably the government? I mean I
Speaker 1: have friends who know way more about this, Like when
Speaker 1: I went to San Francisco, I don't have like a
Speaker 1: lot of my act I talked about being like the
Speaker 1: only Iranian home I've ever heard of, and that was
Speaker 1: so much my experience. And like about seven years ago,
Speaker 1: I got flown to San Francisco to do a gig
Speaker 1: there and I met all these queer Iranians who were
Speaker 1: like super psyched to meet me and stuff, you know what,
Speaker 1: I want to be different, Like I couldn't even believe it.
Speaker 1: And like I went out drinking for like two days
Speaker 1: with and I had like and they were just they
Speaker 1: were lovely. They were a cohesive community. They have a club,
Speaker 1: they have a website. Yeah, yeah, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: but but in And so they told me a lot
Speaker 1: more about the queer experience in Iran, which again because
Speaker 1: of like the Internet, they have their applauses where they
Speaker 1: meet there's a host you know what. Yes, but like
Speaker 1: those get cracked down on. Those get shut down, people
Speaker 1: get busted, lives get ruined. Oh my god. Is this
Speaker 1: for obviously the pursuing religio at roots of some sort, Sure,
Speaker 1: of course it's it's Uh. The Koran is pretty explicit
Speaker 1: about just says like there's like a page like no home,
Speaker 1: just like I don't know. And this is because in
Speaker 1: the Bible and the Christian Bible. Bob haven't read it,
Speaker 1: but it's mentioned the man laying with another man, but
Speaker 1: like what if they just died? You know what I mean,
Speaker 1: it's not as explicit. Well m m yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: most religions with texts, it's it's there's very there's like
Speaker 1: none where they're like okay, it's fine for yeah, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I thinks have been. I think, I mean just like
Speaker 1: the religions have become more progressive over the years, just
Speaker 1: with time, and yeah, I actually have no interest in that.
Speaker 1: It makes you it really like I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: believe in religiosity. It's like, if you want, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: pick and choose what I'm going to because I mean,
Speaker 1: religions like a business. So they realized they're like, okay,
Speaker 1: well one of us has to open it up to
Speaker 1: the homosexuals because and then we can kind of just
Speaker 1: like have the home a sexual market and it's not
Speaker 1: corners conservative anymore. So we're going to like be they
Speaker 1: we're going to lose membership if we like become too
Speaker 1: sort of strict or ardent in our rules. It happens
Speaker 1: all the time, and the whole you know, the whole
Speaker 1: premise is ultimately to build old people out of their
Speaker 1: money before they croak, but might as well, you know,
Speaker 1: I mean to leave it at the church. That was like, no,
Speaker 1: leave it to people. I don't know. The whole thing
Speaker 1: was offensive to me. So what did how did your
Speaker 1: parents when did you tell them? What did you say?
Speaker 1: I like, I was the first kid to come out,
Speaker 1: like really come out in my high school. Did you
Speaker 1: know when did you know that you were getting? When
Speaker 1: I was jacking it to bodybuilding mag's like as soon
Speaker 1: as possible, you know that when I was when I
Speaker 1: was doing my own immigration work in Turkey when I
Speaker 1: was ten, and we were staying with like a friend
Speaker 1: of the family who was himself a bodybuilding hopeful. So
Speaker 1: he would come home and do you guys mind if
Speaker 1: I pose for you? Not at all? I was like,
Speaker 1: you have to, like I would like go through all
Speaker 1: of his bodybuilding mags when he wasn't home, Like it
Speaker 1: was very very like viscerally sexual for me. You just
Speaker 1: got your sexual fantasy served you on. But then you know,
Speaker 1: you know, also being told that it's totally a natural
Speaker 1: and like parents act on it. Your parents were like
Speaker 1: ps anybody who jacks to do the same sex should
Speaker 1: be murdered, like they would they tell you that before
Speaker 1: you give my parents weren't my parents aren't that conservative.
Speaker 1: My mother is a feminist, like a revolutionary Feminist's why
Speaker 1: we're in America. Yeah, but you don't like that. She didn't.
Speaker 1: A lot of it had to do with her being
Speaker 1: a single mom, and my father was criticizing her for
Speaker 1: raising a feminine kid, and you know, and he's a
Speaker 1: rap back for that, you know what I mean, And
Speaker 1: of course he made it her fault. And then she
Speaker 1: felt like she had to become more strict and like,
Speaker 1: you know, the reason why you're because there was not
Speaker 1: enough rules in your house. Obviously. It's just, you know,
Speaker 1: being a creature of two cultures can't ever possibly be easy.
Speaker 1: And she was like, you know, and my mother's English
Speaker 1: wasn't that strong when we first came to America, like
Speaker 1: it was the eighties. It was like Ryan White kidnapping.
Speaker 1: There was just a lot, like the temperature in the
Speaker 1: country wasn't one of like it's okay, let your kids
Speaker 1: go do whatever. It was like if like it was
Speaker 1: very special. Episodes of different Strokes where deadly got molested
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. My mother is like she
Speaker 1: was going to bed every night white knuckling it, like
Speaker 1: please don't let my son get molested. And all I
Speaker 1: was trying to do was get I was. I would like,
Speaker 1: I was like I would go to hotel lobbies and
Speaker 1: just stare at men at the pay phones like do
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, how do you know
Speaker 1: that that might work? Though it didn't work, so I
Speaker 1: had poor instincts for this. Also, predators tend not to
Speaker 1: like other predators, you know, like, and I was there
Speaker 1: was definitely like a predator. They wanted it too much.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I did want to want to. The
Speaker 1: molesting is you got to have an unwilling participant you were.
Speaker 1: There was no they hadn't want it, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I was a terrible actors like to feel
Speaker 1: like they cooled and you're like offering me drugs and
Speaker 1: I was like my own were you like things? I was,
Speaker 1: I would lean against the baby. So your mom was
Speaker 1: just stressing out and she was like, can we just
Speaker 1: not be gay? This is like what the cherry on top.
Speaker 1: To wonder if there wasn't some element of that. I
Speaker 1: wonder if there wasn't some element of that, Like she
Speaker 1: was already just worn out. She'd my brother's at eight
Speaker 1: in ten years you older than me. She'd already been
Speaker 1: a mom forever and like, now here's this last one.
Speaker 1: Just just get to fucking college, Get to college, get
Speaker 1: out of my house, and don't you know, And but
Speaker 1: you know, on the other side of that, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: instantly I had AIDS. To this day, my mother will
Speaker 1: be like, don't you that's the best. Like if there's
Speaker 1: every a lull, you know, like over she'll call in
Speaker 1: the morning and like your your voice sounds raspy, and
Speaker 1: she's got the aid and finally got you. You have
Speaker 1: you definitely have my son. You got AIDS? Just tell
Speaker 1: me do you have it? Like and then like it
Speaker 1: escalates an urgency. It's ridiculous, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: people of AIDS. It's not that no, because it's like
Speaker 1: everything bad happens to her. It's one of those things,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, like even if I got AIDS,
Speaker 1: it would be her. It's similar to tangentially got AIDS.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't be about my immune system turning on it.
Speaker 1: It would be that she had a son, you know,
Speaker 1: and of course, he goes think. I mean, I I
Speaker 1: love my family and the and that I hope they heal,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like I I hope God,
Speaker 1: but like an evolutionary leap. Yeah, what did you say
Speaker 1: to your mom at fifteen? I was, I was. I
Speaker 1: told her I was bisexual, which started the easing I did.
Speaker 1: But like I think in some some part of my head,
Speaker 1: I was like, I have to leave a door open.
Speaker 1: I'm still fluffy and malleable, and who knows, maybe good
Speaker 1: pussy will come around, come along, and or maybe I'll
Speaker 1: just wall off. And to this day it's not like
Speaker 1: I think like sexual orientation wise, I have it like
Speaker 1: a straight bone in my body. But like I would
Speaker 1: just as soon think that everything everyone is sort of
Speaker 1: in the bubble. I mean, if Judy Garland comes back
Speaker 1: to life, maybe you're going to hit that. I would
Speaker 1: fully go to Coneytown. Um, no, the only pussy you
Speaker 1: need instead of Garland. I'm straight for Judy. Might definitely
Speaker 1: straight for Judy, you know what I mean? Like so, um,
Speaker 1: you know, I for the ambiguity. I think like made
Speaker 1: sense with like my inner hippie, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And uh, and then like I was a raver, and
Speaker 1: of course I made that with everyone. I was the
Speaker 1: makeout bandit at every party. Um, it's like my favorite
Speaker 1: thing in the world was to make the makeout bandit,
Speaker 1: like just to have made out with everyone. I love
Speaker 1: making out and making out is not bad. Dance with
Speaker 1: your mouth it totally is. It totally is, and it's
Speaker 1: a great way to communicate, Like any number of things
Speaker 1: that I was gonna say, I was like, I like
Speaker 1: making out too, but that I just hygienically and statistically
Speaker 1: that doesn't seem like a good idea. It's like not
Speaker 1: not just taking a sip from someone else's cambit to
Speaker 1: lick delicious like every cat at this part. Maybe that's
Speaker 1: why I'm almost constantly He definitely has an he can't
Speaker 1: stop putting his mouth on. Disgusting that ever, I mean,
Speaker 1: did she even know about the raving? Um. I tried
Speaker 1: to explain psychotropics and my and my I've taken so,
Speaker 1: I mean, I've done more acid than you've hot dinners,
Speaker 1: and uh, like, I love psychotropics and I'm definitely like
Speaker 1: a hallucinogen baby, just lots of hallucinogens, acid, mescaline, mushrooms.
Speaker 1: I want the umbrella. Yeah, I want to do that.
Speaker 1: You want to do I did. I did ayahuasca one.
Speaker 1: I mean that's like a retreat, because I mean went
Speaker 1: on the actual ayahuasca retreat and he was like, I
Speaker 1: mean like someone someone took a demon out of his
Speaker 1: body or something that happens. I think I've been like
Speaker 1: through most of like my exorcism ship already. But when
Speaker 1: I did aahuasca, I talked to the mother. It was
Speaker 1: all very lovely. I did in green Point. Girl, you
Speaker 1: mean that number, but no, you in order to do it,
Speaker 1: you have to go on like this very like serious
Speaker 1: rigorous diet for a while so you don't puke. You
Speaker 1: have to get all the time. It's no, it's called
Speaker 1: and so you do it for a month, like a
Speaker 1: month of no booze, no weed, no fry, no dairy, no. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was vetting, no pork, no beef. It was like, um,
Speaker 1: you know, it was such a crazy time. It was
Speaker 1: the same time that I got past at the cellar.
Speaker 1: Oh that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, I was there last night.
Speaker 1: It's where I lost my phone. But yeah, I was.
Speaker 1: You know, it was the same time that I was
Speaker 1: like being seen at the seller, and I auditioned there,
Speaker 1: so maybe it like made you better, like or like
Speaker 1: off of an antidepressant because you can't be on any
Speaker 1: S s R EYES when you take ayahuasca, or you
Speaker 1: could go into serotonin toxicity which can kill you. So
Speaker 1: you like unequipped because it's an M a O Y.
Speaker 1: Ahuasca has an M A O Y communicator. That's how
Speaker 1: it goes through entries your system. So S R I
Speaker 1: plus M A O I could lead to death, so
Speaker 1: you have to go off of it. So I went
Speaker 1: basically cold turkey off of an antidepressant that I had
Speaker 1: never been on before, and I'd never gone off an
Speaker 1: antidepressant before, and literally they were like lightning storms in
Speaker 1: my head like, so I was auditioning at the seller
Speaker 1: with like a lightning storm physically in my head. Like
Speaker 1: every tent set, it's like, oh my god, it was
Speaker 1: a disaster like that I passed there was I did, sure,
Speaker 1: kind you are very funny, but yeah, it was. It
Speaker 1: was like all around that time. And then so I
Speaker 1: do a month at the seller, living like a monk,
Speaker 1: eating like a monk, and then I take ayahuasca and
Speaker 1: I was like this is fine and it's Okay. I mean,
Speaker 1: like they tell you that, it's like, you know, it's
Speaker 1: like nothing you've ever done. It's kind I mean it's
Speaker 1: like stuff I've done. You've done too much. I think
Speaker 1: for sure you have like um come to God moments,
Speaker 1: so so to speak. And I mean it also depends
Speaker 1: I want to have a crazy drug experience with the Yes,
Speaker 1: I would love that. I would love that. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: would do that. It's um, it's I mean I don't
Speaker 1: do them as much as I used to. Jesus, Like,
Speaker 1: what is the time commitment? It is? It is One
Speaker 1: time I did a quarter of amali and it was
Speaker 1: really fun. Oh my, on extasy, everyone should do exstasy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was great for a very young listener, very and
Speaker 1: very old. Well do you know what the other thing is?
Speaker 1: It's so weird to like be someone who talks about
Speaker 1: recreational drug use but like you're responsible with it. Well
Speaker 1: that's the gag that responsible responsible. You should know your dealer,
Speaker 1: do not mix drugs. Like, yes, there's a million things
Speaker 1: that people should know if they're if they As far
Speaker 1: as I'm concerned, there's a degree to which, like using
Speaker 1: recreational drugs is not that far away from like taking
Speaker 1: a vacation and going somewh oh. Absolutely, It's just it's
Speaker 1: a neurochemical departure. It is a department and life is
Speaker 1: sucking hard and sometimes we want this escape, ers adventure
Speaker 1: or just something that's consciousness is multifaceted and multi dimensionally
Speaker 1: that you go right on ahead. But like again, do
Speaker 1: your research, do it safely, don't buy dirty street drugs,
Speaker 1: you know what I like. There's so many things that
Speaker 1: people should take into mind if they're going to experiment
Speaker 1: with it, and to you know, do it with people
Speaker 1: that you love and not the unbeloved and not like
Speaker 1: awful people who are gross. And if it gets sad
Speaker 1: and dirty, get the funk out of there, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Stuff like that. Yeah, you know, do
Speaker 1: you have sex on them on drugs? I've had sex
Speaker 1: on drugs. I don't need you do, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? And I don't like for the record, it
Speaker 1: sounds like I'm constantly on drugs. I work too much
Speaker 1: to get to do drugs anymore, which is like the
Speaker 1: saddest because it takes apect of my life. Yeah, well
Speaker 1: to bounce back and to be alert and to be available, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I get older, I just like the recuperation is just
Speaker 1: so all of it and fake. And I genuinely love
Speaker 1: my career, right, So, like getting up and making people
Speaker 1: laugh is like far and away my favorite thing to do,
Speaker 1: and like I can't. It's your drugs, it's my gig,
Speaker 1: but I can't, Like I can't. I can't even smoke
Speaker 1: weed the day of a of a show because I
Speaker 1: have to go up there tap dance for these you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I can't go up there.
Speaker 1: I'm not a phone in comic. You know. Well, that's respectable,
Speaker 1: and that's why your passing. Hell, that's why you're killing it.
Speaker 1: That's very sweet of you to say. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: more sex stuff. Oh yeah, yeah, lots of sex stuff.
Speaker 1: Millions of dicks, hundreds of partners sexually, yeah yeah, right back,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, not millions, but like I think about it, right, estimate,
Speaker 1: Let's say let's say it was dick a month, right,
Speaker 1: and dick a month. That's not a lot of dick
Speaker 1: in the month. Club girl, I looked that, like I lapped.
Speaker 1: That's your nature, like at my during peak seasons, like
Speaker 1: what I lived in Miami and the last time I
Speaker 1: lived in New York the first time I lived in
Speaker 1: New York, it was like it was at least three
Speaker 1: or four dicks a week, right, so there's a lot
Speaker 1: of good dick here well of course, and like and
Speaker 1: also I have a lot of resume sex like sex
Speaker 1: I otherwise don't like you might pass on the sex
Speaker 1: because you're like you that person is kind of horrible,
Speaker 1: and I would be like, but I want the story. Yes,
Speaker 1: I've got that little person or burn victim or you
Speaker 1: know what. Of course I have to So yeah, I
Speaker 1: see your resume. What types? What are some of the
Speaker 1: weirder ones like I sucked a witch, ones who spat
Speaker 1: on my house? I wait, wait, there was we needed
Speaker 1: we need to go into You fucked a witch? Well
Speaker 1: I didn't fuck I could. I wouldn't suck a witch.
Speaker 1: And that's why you spend for you, because it was
Speaker 1: just like when you'd made me like a like a
Speaker 1: magic pillow, like someone who was like just someone who
Speaker 1: who is part of the pagan religion or like someone
Speaker 1: which a pagan person made me like an herb satchel
Speaker 1: to sleep on because he like some blair witch he
Speaker 1: did he did come with like six and like a
Speaker 1: medicine bag and all that, and then and then the
Speaker 1: pants came off and I was like, I can't with
Speaker 1: this and just to like yeah, to like hid around
Speaker 1: his right exactly. That's exactly what it was. They were
Speaker 1: like stick to enough. They were like human too fin
Speaker 1: his pubic hair no, like you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like it was a little haunted, Like, yeah, the dick
Speaker 1: was haunted. His pubis were haunted. It was like a
Speaker 1: ship gingery thicket. It was like and uh, there were
Speaker 1: like you know, like dollheads, and that's exactly what I think.
Speaker 1: It's a lot like that. It's a lot like that.
Speaker 1: By the way, I saw a poster that said Witches
Speaker 1: for Bernie not too long ago. I was like, my loss,
Speaker 1: and I love you. Witches. You keep on witching, girl,
Speaker 1: and girl, you get many sexes and keep witching. But
Speaker 1: then this will spat on my house. He spat on
Speaker 1: my What a bit, right? Uh? There was a hairdresser
Speaker 1: who looked like Frankenstein who made me watch figure standing
Speaker 1: with him at a hotel and then was breathing on
Speaker 1: me like Darth Vader unnecessary sex noises. Can we talk
Speaker 1: about that? Oh? Yeah? I hate nothing will take me
Speaker 1: out of the fucking mood. But do you say something
Speaker 1: or do you just go maybe I'll stop No, because
Speaker 1: that's resume sex. You can't get in the way of
Speaker 1: resume sex is to reach its worst possible out. What
Speaker 1: are the weirdest noises you've heard? So there was the
Speaker 1: Frankenstein who breathed like Darth Vader, and he was like,
Speaker 1: vagina is like you a wee penis and just poking
Speaker 1: it into my thigh. And we were drinking whiskey out
Speaker 1: of sippy cups. The whole thing, whild figure skating was
Speaker 1: on in the background. It's fetish. I don't know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I didn't stick around to find out.
Speaker 1: I mean, like I did it as long as because
Speaker 1: he had to bring the sippy cups, if to the hotel?
Speaker 1: Where do you meet that guy at a discotheque at
Speaker 1: an old club in Boston called man Right, I thought
Speaker 1: you were gonna say Denny's as you started to say
Speaker 1: the deed. But you think I thought you were going
Speaker 1: to say Denny's like I have yet I have. I
Speaker 1: used to have mouth sex with the guy at Producer.
Speaker 1: But it's I mean, like, there isn't sexual situation. I
Speaker 1: haven't been to become Whiskey Tiny Dickson. He was weird.
Speaker 1: And then another weird sex noise person was a little
Speaker 1: person in Miami, A little person I did. I was.
Speaker 1: It was I had a terrible boyfriend at the time,
Speaker 1: and I was biking. He was just like wretched, and
Speaker 1: I was like biking around the city trying to find
Speaker 1: some d that like just trying to make myself feel better,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? And I was. I
Speaker 1: was South Beach. If you don't know what it's like,
Speaker 1: ten blocks across like not that bit we just recently
Speaker 1: visited for the first time. It's a lot of the
Speaker 1: greatest Hell yeah, there's a lot of d And how
Speaker 1: I got out of their HIV negative is a fucking
Speaker 1: mistery child mystery because I don't I don't see condoms anyways,
Speaker 1: so I know, but you kids don't use drugs and
Speaker 1: use condoms, okay, just say yes to condoms and no
Speaker 1: to recreational drugs. So when I was high blown taking
Speaker 1: it in the can um law dog do uh No.
Speaker 1: So I was, I was going from bar to bar
Speaker 1: and I had like no less than three drinks in
Speaker 1: every bar, and there was no one for sex. This
Speaker 1: one particular night just it was a dry night in
Speaker 1: South Monday. It was it was like a Monday. That's
Speaker 1: the gag. It was a Monday and the one day.
Speaker 1: And then I get home and I'm parking my bike
Speaker 1: and there was a little person and looked up at me.
Speaker 1: And when June are an angel, I was like, let's go,
Speaker 1: and like and we get to his his apartment. How
Speaker 1: far was His apartment was literally across the street from
Speaker 1: like diagonally, which is a problem where you eat, right,
Speaker 1: So then we get in there and uh, I stripped naked,
Speaker 1: like like, I kid a little I'm like under five
Speaker 1: feet okay, okay, so a taller little person yeah none
Speaker 1: a three ft no, yeah, exactly what's the three ft?
Speaker 1: It wasn't like a Guinness Book of World Records medically
Speaker 1: a little person, but like me, I don't know if
Speaker 1: he was. He might have been half little. Is that
Speaker 1: a thing? Um? Yes? Actually, because they're like almost they
Speaker 1: meet the hype requirements just over but they still Yeah,
Speaker 1: but he can't but he can't go on the roller
Speaker 1: coaster right exactly right, so like him, And then he
Speaker 1: got on top of me and was making these sex
Speaker 1: noises like ha ha, my hand to god, that was
Speaker 1: the noise. I mean, you're describing Chewy from chausea handlers show. No,
Speaker 1: he was leaning. He wasn't. He wasn't he wasn't a
Speaker 1: little beach. He was leaning, and like he was kind
Speaker 1: of scuttling across me like a crab. So I grabbed
Speaker 1: his tiny head and I face bucked it. I facebucked
Speaker 1: him to make the noises stop. And then I jissed
Speaker 1: very quickly and dressed and ran out the door. And
Speaker 1: then he was like yelling at me from the slats
Speaker 1: of his apartment, like you are rude. That is that
Speaker 1: kind of rude. It was. I wasn't going to put
Speaker 1: up with that for too much longer. And I was like,
Speaker 1: twenty four drinks. You don't want to be like, because
Speaker 1: then that's rude, I get, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like I'm an adult. He was like he was sensitive.
Speaker 1: He was very sensitive in the first place, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Yeah, Like I'd like, like you have
Speaker 1: to watch him struggle for things in a high shelf
Speaker 1: and I can't just get this and it opened. But
Speaker 1: then like you're an angel, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like it wasn't like you're so hot can I you
Speaker 1: know you want to at all? There was like a
Speaker 1: your special person energy. I know I I just wanted
Speaker 1: to fill someone's mouth with your comb. Well, I honestly
Speaker 1: was chasing the story. It's it hasn't always been noble,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It hasn't been all you know,
Speaker 1: greatest healing, good choices. But that's a fun life and
Speaker 1: it's what you should do in your twenty With God,
Speaker 1: I'm giving the worst advice. I'm like, a, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: not what I mean. Sometimes to an extent, it is
Speaker 1: called that, but that's the wrong category. Yes, yes, well
Speaker 1: so okay, little person in South Beach when you're bicycling
Speaker 1: around for day? What else? Um? What else? In terms
Speaker 1: of sexual yeah, in terms of your resume, um, God,
Speaker 1: resume sex. There was a sixty nine year old man
Speaker 1: at a Christmas party that was like I just held
Speaker 1: his great grandkid. That was my first blow job. I
Speaker 1: was eighteen. You were eighteen and a toothless sixty nine
Speaker 1: year old man. Such when you start kids bathroom? Wait,
Speaker 1: isn't that like better if they and he had a hairpiece?
Speaker 1: What gums? Like? Kind of nice or no? Girl? Like?
Speaker 1: The whole experience First of all, I was ship faced
Speaker 1: on the box one at this Christmas party, and this
Speaker 1: guy was being super skis. In fact, this was like
Speaker 1: like a little more resumes for me, super moleste like
Speaker 1: I was, and you're like, this is my moment. That
Speaker 1: was exactly what That's exactly your Christmas well know. And
Speaker 1: then like me and like the cool kids would would
Speaker 1: all go back to my friend's room. I don't want
Speaker 1: to say her name because then this whole story becomes
Speaker 1: very traceable. Uh So, but we would go back and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, he is still molesting me all like
Speaker 1: he like he just put his hand in my sock,
Speaker 1: like he's creepy. He like made like erect tongue at me.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what to do with this guy.
Speaker 1: So they were like, you've got to see this through.
Speaker 1: You're tough. So I did. And then I went downstairs
Speaker 1: and I told him a dirty joke because he'd been
Speaker 1: telling me dirty jokes and like his dirty jokes weren't landing.
Speaker 1: He was like, you know, you know, you know where
Speaker 1: the pilot sits in an airplane the cock prompt and
Speaker 1: then he'd stick his tongue out nothing. He was a
Speaker 1: total creep. I mean, that's just like sexual harassment. It
Speaker 1: was pure harassment. And then I went down to him
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know what a guy with
Speaker 1: a tennanch dick has for breakfast? It goes well. I
Speaker 1: was like, well, this morning I had gorn flicks, like,
Speaker 1: I gave the boner instantly, like I like, I dove
Speaker 1: into his pants via money. This up up his talking game.
Speaker 1: He did, and then he like and then I took
Speaker 1: him up to the child look like, look like I
Speaker 1: didn't see his dick? Oh wow, do you have a
Speaker 1: tenant's dick squared? I don't. Didn't you mention that when
Speaker 1: you saw your dick? That? And honestly, I remember so
Speaker 1: so little of it. And what I do remember is
Speaker 1: coming and yeah and like, and I was like bucking
Speaker 1: and season. It was my first time getting head. Also
Speaker 1: because my family made me promise that I wouldn't do
Speaker 1: anything with a guy until I was eighteen. Long grows story,
Speaker 1: and so I had held out and then I was
Speaker 1: finally doing it and this is my first time jazzing
Speaker 1: was like in a children's bathroom and I'm like shaking
Speaker 1: by my sixty nine year old man's toothless mouth, hallelujah.
Speaker 1: That's so crazy. So know what you said, it was
Speaker 1: a long, gross story that you promised your family you
Speaker 1: wouldn't do anything sexual, Like did they sit you down
Speaker 1: at the dinner table and like make a list? I
Speaker 1: mean gay as long as it's after. It was so
Speaker 1: much worse than that, Like I got beat up and
Speaker 1: I got kicked out of my house. Yeah I'm not unfortunately,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah no, but I'm not afraid to talk about it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So what happened for yo? Your dad hits you with ship.
Speaker 1: My dad was barely present, but he threw an office
Speaker 1: chair at me, a big heavy office chair. Uh, you know,
Speaker 1: it was crazy. I had my journals read. There was
Speaker 1: a boy I had the biggest crush on and that
Speaker 1: I drew a picture of. They tore up his photo
Speaker 1: in front of me the journal and drew for me.
Speaker 1: And I was getting beat up very regularly because of
Speaker 1: your homosexuality, because of like a combination of like rebellion, homosexuality,
Speaker 1: interest in the arts, like Jesus, Yeah, I mean it's
Speaker 1: it is what it is. Did you ever talk back
Speaker 1: to them like constantly? You? Okay, like the whole my
Speaker 1: whole gig is like I'll dine like just you wait
Speaker 1: for it, like you think that you're forgiven ever, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because how do you never forgiven for this? Like you
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna wait for your best day and I
Speaker 1: will ruin it, all of it, Like I will remain
Speaker 1: all of this. And if you end up alone suffering,
Speaker 1: I mean, like that's the kind you carry that with you? Um,
Speaker 1: I don't have time to carry it with me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like all they get to like if they're a
Speaker 1: step out of line, I bring absolute fury. Wow, I
Speaker 1: don't even I don't even wait. Yea, what does that
Speaker 1: look like? Like? Current day? Like how often do you
Speaker 1: see your parents? So it was awful. My mom had
Speaker 1: a stroke this past Christmas and like so I went
Speaker 1: and was there for like two weeks taking care of
Speaker 1: family and like trying to help. But then my brothers,
Speaker 1: who were both like crazy people, they, um, they made
Speaker 1: the process really difficult. And I they don't like that
Speaker 1: you're gay either. It's not that they don't like that
Speaker 1: I'm gay. I think I think they're over that. I
Speaker 1: think they're finally over that. But like, it's not an
Speaker 1: easy thing to forgive someone for dick, based on who
Speaker 1: you love, well, yeah, yeah, where you want to put
Speaker 1: your dick, the reason why you should be a secret
Speaker 1: and all of that stuff, And there's never really been
Speaker 1: like a clear apology for that, and so like there's
Speaker 1: probably know it's wrong too, So they have I'm sure
Speaker 1: they do know, but like there's something about it where
Speaker 1: it's like they won't, um, they just won't get vulnerable
Speaker 1: in that way, and that I can't I genuinely can't
Speaker 1: with some. So so your your brother's the last time
Speaker 1: your home over Christmas made remarks, it's nothing that it's
Speaker 1: not they make remarks. It's that like they'll just be
Speaker 1: difficult and they'll be conservative. And again it's like they
Speaker 1: I still fucking feel gross about them. Does that make
Speaker 1: any sense? Like, so I'm just waiting for them to
Speaker 1: be a dick at all, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And they and they always are, like they are guaranteed,
Speaker 1: sure as the sun rises, someone in my family is
Speaker 1: going to be a dick. Yeah, And so I'm just
Speaker 1: waiting for it. And then I turned toe and I
Speaker 1: get myself out of the situation and I surround myself
Speaker 1: with the people I love again. Yeah, I mean that's
Speaker 1: really because when they're unsolvable, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like well, and it's it's like trying to explain. Like
Speaker 1: when you meet somebody and they're like gays or or whatever,
Speaker 1: and they're like fucking old and you're like, I'm not
Speaker 1: changing your fucking mind, like I I It's like, do
Speaker 1: you do you put the effort out to really try
Speaker 1: and change somebody's mind because it's stupid that they think
Speaker 1: that homosexuality it's they're wrong and they're dumb for thinking
Speaker 1: that and we all know that and it's true, but
Speaker 1: they're never gonna know it and is it worth even trying?
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like if they do know it,
Speaker 1: Like let's say I don't know. I know. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: good at saying I'm sorry to people if I've just
Speaker 1: sucked up completely. Yeah, Like I will stick my tail
Speaker 1: like squarely in between my legs go up to someone
Speaker 1: and be like, I got something completely wrong and I
Speaker 1: am sorry. You know what I mean, and whatever crow
Speaker 1: you want me to eat, like, I'll eat it whatever
Speaker 1: apology you need for me, Like and if you want
Speaker 1: to bring this up for the next ten years on
Speaker 1: how I fucked up, that's your right. Do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, that's an apology, yeah, and I think
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't know how to do that,
Speaker 1: and so there isn't closure and then like anything negative
Speaker 1: that comes up still like and I realized that it's
Speaker 1: ultimately like my gig to like leave all the resentment
Speaker 1: behind and you know, you have you got to forgive
Speaker 1: you hear that? And I do it. There's the extent
Speaker 1: to which I do it. As an adult. I live
Speaker 1: my life. But the best thing I can do is
Speaker 1: not engage yea even forgive, but it's still it's still
Speaker 1: happening if they're still not like truly accepting you. So
Speaker 1: it's like they do accept but the little gay thing
Speaker 1: isn't the problem anymore. Just dicks Now, they're just dicks.
Speaker 1: That's what it is. That's what it is. It's like,
Speaker 1: And the fact that they didn't accept the gay thing
Speaker 1: the first place is it was a symptom of their
Speaker 1: dick ishness, do you know what I mean? Core disease
Speaker 1: of their dick ishness isn't gone. They're still under the
Speaker 1: impression that they can judge or scrutinize or have any
Speaker 1: opinion on something that I'm doing. And it's like, you're
Speaker 1: out of your fucking mind. Don't like, let's let's have
Speaker 1: ed us pound for pound and see who as a
Speaker 1: happier motherfucker's let's actually do this and when like, but again,
Speaker 1: that's exactly the headspace I don't want to fall into
Speaker 1: because for myself, Yeah, the whole gig for them to
Speaker 1: have a better life for me, And you can give
Speaker 1: yourself a better life by forgiving them to the point
Speaker 1: where you're not carrying all this baggage on your shoulders
Speaker 1: so it works better for you, and then you could
Speaker 1: separate it enough. But then of course, when you're still
Speaker 1: in front of them and they say, like this bread
Speaker 1: is stale, whatever they're gonna, whatever they're gonna, it's like,
Speaker 1: fuck you. Yeah, they can't be vulnerable enough to to
Speaker 1: man up and woman up to their son and say
Speaker 1: and say sorry, we fucked up and we're sorry and like,
Speaker 1: and that would suck it. If people apologize more for
Speaker 1: the horrible ship they did, really it would help. It
Speaker 1: would be everything. It would be everything to everyone. But um, yeah,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: you've just risen above. You have to you have to
Speaker 1: take care of yourself. And like and if it seems
Speaker 1: like a toxic situation, you have to get yourself out
Speaker 1: of it, and you don't keep hammering away at these
Speaker 1: toxic relationships, like you really to be like it's d
Speaker 1: o A. At some point you have to be like
Speaker 1: this thing, take control. I'm not going to resuscitate this thing.
Speaker 1: I'm not like, I can't breathe like evolution into these people.
Speaker 1: If they're going to have backwards thoughts, then yeah, I
Speaker 1: have to I just have to run for my life.
Speaker 1: That's the options. Yeah, that's their choice. And your choice
Speaker 1: is to be better than that or just to you know,
Speaker 1: have a life that accommodates the way that I actually am. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? And then that more fun?
Speaker 1: It is? It sure is? That's sucking awesome. Do you
Speaker 1: ever get some I wanted to ask you about. Do
Speaker 1: you ever get racially profiled? I guess you don't look
Speaker 1: I'm pretty I know, I mean I think I read
Speaker 1: pretty American. Yeah, I mean if anything with you, I
Speaker 1: think you possibly like do you get a mistands for Latino?
Speaker 1: A lot? I get Italians times Greek. I don't think
Speaker 1: anyone even really knows what an Iranian person looks like
Speaker 1: we're so stupid. Yeah, we're so dumb. We look like
Speaker 1: a lot of different things of the northwest of Irun
Speaker 1: will look very differently than a Okay, do your parents
Speaker 1: ever get profile? Do they wear their traditional No? I
Speaker 1: mean again, they're really progressive. But yeah, parents are actually progressive.
Speaker 1: That's great. Um progressive enough? Yeah, um yeah, no, it's
Speaker 1: it hasn't been that much of a problem. The only
Speaker 1: reason why I was asking because I know your your
Speaker 1: your parents are from Iran and stuff, and I just
Speaker 1: it's just it seems like with the news, the only
Speaker 1: time we see a Middle Eastern person is went right
Speaker 1: after a terrorist attack, and I'm like, can we just
Speaker 1: show better examples, because most middle people that are Middle
Speaker 1: Eastern descent are not They're they're beautiful people. And it's
Speaker 1: it's fucking with my brain because it's to the point
Speaker 1: where there's Muslim people all over New York City that
Speaker 1: where the turban and have the beard, and I hate that.
Speaker 1: My brain goes a little bit. I don't act on it,
Speaker 1: but my brain goes. I don't know why. It's like
Speaker 1: it's because that's what we see in the news, is
Speaker 1: when we see those people. No no. Mine isn't that
Speaker 1: I have firsthand experience of crazy Muslims. It's not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I lived in Iran during the height of the Irana
Speaker 1: Rock War, and uh, and I've read the Koran. I
Speaker 1: keep religious texts in my toilet at all times. There's
Speaker 1: a Bible there. I always. That's if you're on the toilet,
Speaker 1: actually really want to read the Koran because I just
Speaker 1: want to know. Every third paragraph is like no, no, no,
Speaker 1: it's literally like, well like kill the infidel, like these
Speaker 1: are the punishments that await you if you don't follow these.
Speaker 1: They're not sucking around, they really aren't. Like it is.
Speaker 1: It is chock full of violence like and and people
Speaker 1: will get up and be like it's a none, it's
Speaker 1: a peaceful religion, and it's I understand that people can
Speaker 1: find peace and religion. But inherently to read the text
Speaker 1: is not a piece of it's certainly more violent than
Speaker 1: Moby Dick, you know what I mean. It's it's not. Uh,
Speaker 1: there's plenty of wrath in the Koran, and um sell it.
Speaker 1: Oh no, and we should. There's wrath enough to be
Speaker 1: found in the Bible, but there's a lot more in
Speaker 1: the so you've witnessed violence then between Yeah, if you
Speaker 1: were in the middle of the war, like what kind
Speaker 1: of ship a rock war, Well, that was different. That
Speaker 1: was a territorial issue. It wasn't a religious war. Um,
Speaker 1: but I did. I did witness bombings. I did witness Yeah,
Speaker 1: I saw. Yeah. It's God bless your listeners, like they
Speaker 1: want to hear about like dick and pussies, don't pick Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's important to talk about this. I mean
Speaker 1: just because Yeah, I just I wanted to go into
Speaker 1: because I don't know. I don't talk to anybody about
Speaker 1: what the fox is going on in the Middle East,
Speaker 1: what happens, what has happened in the Middle East, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm just there's a lot about it there.
Speaker 1: I mean, like you know, people should know that. I mean,
Speaker 1: for one thing, America has been sucking with the Middle
Speaker 1: East for a long time, decades and decades and decades.
Speaker 1: I mean for our whole I mean, for our whole lives.
Speaker 1: There's not been they armed both sides of a war,
Speaker 1: and I'll never know why. Is it oil is a territory?
Speaker 1: Is it you bombed us? Is it there's no strategic
Speaker 1: and oil strategic geography and oil. Why does the US
Speaker 1: care about geography though? I mean, like I mean, in
Speaker 1: this instance, I know, we're fucking territorial monsters, but sure
Speaker 1: there's you know it's I mean, nations and imperialism. It's
Speaker 1: that's kind of what you do is you gain territory,
Speaker 1: and you gain resources, and you gain control, and you
Speaker 1: gain power, and if someone's going to oppose you, you
Speaker 1: eliminate them as a potential. That's crazy. All this stuff
Speaker 1: is so above my head. But I want, I just
Speaker 1: I don't know, I want to understand and see what
Speaker 1: your experience with it really crooked. The world is crooked.
Speaker 1: Politics are crooked, right, Politicians are outrageously crooked, and you
Speaker 1: know there are It makes me very rich people who
Speaker 1: live in ivory towers and poor people you know, ultimately
Speaker 1: give up their lives to um to facilitate their wealth.
Speaker 1: It makes me so nuts, like all the every time
Speaker 1: a politician comes out and it's the one politician who
Speaker 1: speaks the loudest against sex work is one getting his
Speaker 1: dick sock. Sure, eight prostitutes today, And I'm just like,
Speaker 1: what the fuck, Yeah, what is it? It's crazy hypocrisy,
Speaker 1: and it's patriarchy that needs to go the way of
Speaker 1: the Dodo. And you know, like the pussy's must rise, Yes,
Speaker 1: pussy must rise. We need them, we do need We
Speaker 1: need big, powerful, cavernous, cavernous, yawning drill mouth China. We
Speaker 1: need them. So how did you meet your current? I
Speaker 1: had broken my knee and orgy and um I was
Speaker 1: I had to have a knee surgery. So then I
Speaker 1: was in a machine called the perpetual motion machine. Seen
Speaker 1: how you broke yourne the orgy? Oh no, that was
Speaker 1: the fixer. That was the fix was there? That was
Speaker 1: a therapy like and everyone was like, well visit you,
Speaker 1: and no one came. I mean everyone came. That's why
Speaker 1: they weren't there Absolutely no, exactly no. And I like,
Speaker 1: when I broke my knee at the organ, it's such
Speaker 1: a design. How did you bring your knee and dedication
Speaker 1: commitment girl, like you know, hard work and uh, the
Speaker 1: fulfillment of a lifelong fantasy and then really not really
Speaker 1: like I didn't even get that deep into the orgy
Speaker 1: before I broke my knee, Like I totally generated it,
Speaker 1: Like I did that I had to like drag my
Speaker 1: dead shoes out of the room. I totally Marshal Marshal
Speaker 1: Marshall and my and my roommate at the time. She
Speaker 1: was getting fingered by Um, the host of the party,
Speaker 1: and I had to like tag her out like in
Speaker 1: a w WF like a like a tag team wrestling match.
Speaker 1: I was a girl. We we gotta go and dismounted.
Speaker 1: We got me phone into a gap, she got off
Speaker 1: the dick. But like, uh, it was so fabulous. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's it's a good life. And my so I used
Speaker 1: to date this, my current partner. I used to date
Speaker 1: him when he first came out. He came out and
Speaker 1: no one believed he was gay. No one believed it
Speaker 1: because he's like like he talks in a very low
Speaker 1: you're no what I think gay people are, so you
Speaker 1: mustn't beat his best friend his whole life didn't believe him.
Speaker 1: So it was just like an elaborate trink. I thought
Speaker 1: it was hilarious. They did. Everyone thought it was hilarious
Speaker 1: that he came out. So Noelie, he's patient and wonderful.
Speaker 1: Like of course I married the most patient wonderful the world.
Speaker 1: UM and then UM and then so we dated when
Speaker 1: when he first came out, I didn't think I had
Speaker 1: it in me to like hold the hand of someone
Speaker 1: who was new to one. I came about my gay
Speaker 1: stripes the hard way, like I was beating up by
Speaker 1: my family. I sucked at Jillian dis. I toughed it
Speaker 1: in the gay trenches. I've been fat, I've been skinny,
Speaker 1: I buscular, every whimpy. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I've done drugs him all over, I've been everything. I
Speaker 1: don't want to go, girl, I can't. You know what
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't. I wore make up for a
Speaker 1: year and a half. I was beautiful. You know, I've
Speaker 1: done it. I fucked it. I snorted it. I fucking
Speaker 1: did it, you know. And it's a beautiful way to
Speaker 1: put it. Do you know what I mean? Should be
Speaker 1: the title, that whole thing should be the title of
Speaker 1: your right. Absolutely would be a very few apple moment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like it's like a very long title. Yeah, squirrel um.
Speaker 1: So then I so I dated him, But then I
Speaker 1: realized that he needed to live in the world, and
Speaker 1: I was like, also like hoarding my way into comedy
Speaker 1: as a business, which is a very like egocentric time,
Speaker 1: selfish time. Yeah, it is a selfish tied to justf
Speaker 1: I broke up and like we we really were in
Speaker 1: love and I broke up with him. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't do this right now, and you need to
Speaker 1: go out and get your ass kicked a bit, Like
Speaker 1: you need to date a million douchebags. You need to
Speaker 1: walk into a gay bar, have someone look you like
Speaker 1: from head to toe and then like to turn their neck.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean, Judged? You need to like,
Speaker 1: you need to feel like enough. It is exactly. I
Speaker 1: need to know what's out there. And I'm not going
Speaker 1: to be there to hold your hand through it because
Speaker 1: I don't have time. That's not the of my life
Speaker 1: that I'm in wise, very wise, I mean. But it
Speaker 1: was painful, Like I was like literally crawling around in
Speaker 1: my living room weeping. Yeah, but you're also crawling. Oh yeah, No,
Speaker 1: I was definitely crawling. I had a mermaid like. It's
Speaker 1: not a low drama moment I had. I had a
Speaker 1: very clear visual of you suffering. You really painted the
Speaker 1: pictures literally on on all fours like weeping. Um. And
Speaker 1: then so what's your breakup song that you listened to? Oh?
Speaker 1: My god, if I told you, you would never talk
Speaker 1: to me, again. I want I'll listen to Brandy for days,
Speaker 1: like listen to Brandy yes? Or is that Monica? Yes?
Speaker 1: Confess yeah, you brought it a little bit and Monica
Speaker 1: and all of it the whole moment. So it's like
Speaker 1: I will usually go to an R and B space
Speaker 1: with it, um you know, or I mean I I
Speaker 1: will listen to the saddest songs did like just intentionally
Speaker 1: that's gonna make us not talk to you anymore. That
Speaker 1: there's a few like Anthony and Johnson's, Uh, like, I
Speaker 1: hope there's someone is like the world's saddest. Okay, I
Speaker 1: want to make it. I want to think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make a song. There was a Jordan's Sparks No Air
Speaker 1: moment that was after, but that was after a junkie
Speaker 1: stole my weed and my heart. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: was dating a junkie and then he stole my weed
Speaker 1: and my heart and your air and my air and
Speaker 1: then I just isn't even know where for like a
Speaker 1: week and web, Yes, bitch, come on, girl, I can
Speaker 1: sing that. I only do it. I'm really into it carking.
Speaker 1: So then uh, yeah, I broke my neet. The orgy
Speaker 1: as I was about to be put under anesthesia. I
Speaker 1: was looking through Facebook on my phone and no one
Speaker 1: wasn't visiting me. This is like when I was about
Speaker 1: to go into surgery for my knee I was doing.
Speaker 1: I was on Facebook, I was looking at pictures and
Speaker 1: no one looked good. And I just wrote him like
Speaker 1: a message like as I was losing consciousness, like you
Speaker 1: look good. Hit me. And then when I woke up,
Speaker 1: he had written back. It was like you look good too,
Speaker 1: like I'll come visit you. And then he brought me
Speaker 1: chicken and waffles. What a good When no one else
Speaker 1: had visited me and I was high on opiates and
Speaker 1: I was just alone in my stupid machine. I just
Speaker 1: bent my leg for seventeen hours a day. I was
Speaker 1: stuck in bed. I was watching Allie mcbel on Netflix
Speaker 1: because that was when Netflix sucked. There was nothing on TV.
Speaker 1: And he brought me chicken and waffles. So I blew him.
Speaker 1: And wait, while your leg was getting absolutely you blew
Speaker 1: him from your hospital bed. Yeah, that's he brought me
Speaker 1: chicken and waffles. You that was a normal response. You're
Speaker 1: a gentleman. Someone bring the chicken waffles while in the hospital.
Speaker 1: You suck that dick. That is how it works. I
Speaker 1: would get. Well, that's because like nice gestures and kindness
Speaker 1: and caring makes my pussy so well. I love you
Speaker 1: for saying that. It's like it's a kind of heart.
Speaker 1: It makes me horny. But then there sounds soubside of
Speaker 1: it where I only like to have sex with people
Speaker 1: who I think might kill me. And that's something do
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like I actually kill you
Speaker 1: or just like the struggle of me, I mean murder me,
Speaker 1: like there has to Like in the eighties and nineties,
Speaker 1: you didn't just like you couldn't tender you can swipe
Speaker 1: left or right, you had to approach a stranger who
Speaker 1: might kill you. And that is what made my dick
Speaker 1: stand was that risk of imminent death. Yeah, no, I
Speaker 1: hear a boner maker, and and so I still feel that.
Speaker 1: Uh huh so No and I. It's were not in
Speaker 1: an open relationship, right, but the gig we have. I
Speaker 1: found out after we got together that Noah has been
Speaker 1: jacking it his whole life to twinks and a twink
Speaker 1: can you define that? I'm happy to have your listeners.
Speaker 1: A twink is like a hairless nineteen ish you know, slim, small,
Speaker 1: faye um, thin, little like boy type boy type. He's
Speaker 1: he's a man. He's he's actually the butter done dripped
Speaker 1: off his noodle. But he still has retained many of
Speaker 1: his boys Peter esque. Yes, so that's what Noah has
Speaker 1: been jacking it to his whole life, right like crew
Speaker 1: boys and swimmers, boat shoes. Girl. He's so white. He's
Speaker 1: such a wasp, my man, I love him, um, and
Speaker 1: he is like the greatest person in the entire world.
Speaker 1: My guy, I'm just putting that out there. Um. But
Speaker 1: I'm not a twink at all. Like even when I
Speaker 1: was like emaciated methow, I wasn't a twink, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. I was just a bony, giant person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how tall are you? I'm six one, um, and so
Speaker 1: knowing that I'm also not like a ware twink, Like
Speaker 1: the moon doesn't turn full, I don't lose a hundred
Speaker 1: pounds in my body air. I'm incredibly Simian when I'm naked,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like, I'm very tagged
Speaker 1: and traced. So uh, Noah knowing that he wants to
Speaker 1: suck a twink, knowing the Jackson twinks, I need him
Speaker 1: to whenever he can suck a twink? Yeah, do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like if he's on the train
Speaker 1: and some creepy young thing is making googly eyes at him,
Speaker 1: but he wants to s his d right, get your
Speaker 1: DS you know what I mean? Nintendo DS? Yeah, get
Speaker 1: it girl. Yeah. So I want Noah to get that.
Speaker 1: And if I happen to be somewhere where there's a
Speaker 1: man with a knife and you can get yours, I
Speaker 1: should be allowed to get mine as well. Now what
Speaker 1: if it gets it from not a twink? I don't
Speaker 1: give a ship. Honestly. It's like, so it is kind
Speaker 1: of an a relationship. What's the difference it is? But
Speaker 1: it's like it's the spirit that it's born out of.
Speaker 1: Well I was just gonna say, you want him to
Speaker 1: be satisfied and happy. Yeah, that's where do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? And I want him to leave this world,
Speaker 1: not you know, when his time comes, God forbid, you know,
Speaker 1: a hundred years from now. Yeah. Um, like I want
Speaker 1: him to to have tasted all the fruit. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: that is fucking true love. I really like that to
Speaker 1: be um, and not not to say that if you
Speaker 1: don't want your partner of sex other people that it's
Speaker 1: not true love. But um, there's this word that I'm
Speaker 1: not remembering right now that means the opposite of jealousy.
Speaker 1: And it's just like you want your partner thing. It's
Speaker 1: such an harassy I forget what it is. But you
Speaker 1: want your partner to have sexual experiences beyond you, not
Speaker 1: for any other reason other than like it's what makes
Speaker 1: them happy. Like, and you're confident enough in your relationship
Speaker 1: that you're not gonna be like you're gonna leave me
Speaker 1: for a twink. No, you guys have it. You have
Speaker 1: to go get like obviously it's not the right thing.
Speaker 1: It ain't like I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna.
Speaker 1: I was getting a ride home from a Muslim uh
Speaker 1: cab driver who was talking about his wife and how
Speaker 1: he didn't want his wife to work because she didn't
Speaker 1: want He didn't want her around other men who would
Speaker 1: look at her, and he didn't want her tempted because
Speaker 1: he said that, you know, people are fallible, and so
Speaker 1: if she's tempted, she might leave him for another man.
Speaker 1: And I was like, imagine one poor woman, right, what's
Speaker 1: her life is about to be? So outrageously limited right, yeah,
Speaker 1: by his by his like security. Yeah, Like it's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: So it's a petulant, it's a petty it's so um.
Speaker 1: And it's like, don't you want to know that your
Speaker 1: partner chooses you? Don't mean, like, doesn't that mean something
Speaker 1: to you? Like when I walked out the street and said,
Speaker 1: Noah loves the out of me, do you know what?
Speaker 1: And if it ever stopped, I'm not gonna like, do
Speaker 1: you know what? I'm not going to delude myself because
Speaker 1: why would you want a one sided love? You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? And and but it's like an honor
Speaker 1: that that person that you love and respect so much
Speaker 1: comes home to you, and then he would portion it
Speaker 1: to the freedom that he has the do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? It's like he could do whatever the
Speaker 1: hell he wanted to man, but every day he comes
Speaker 1: home to this hooker, you know what I mean? But
Speaker 1: I suck it like a chance? How long? What are
Speaker 1: your blowdrop tricks? Um? Dedication? It's more like a headspace. Um.
Speaker 1: But I got love cock like I love that's part
Speaker 1: of being gay. I love a street woman, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, I just love it. It's a beautiful, shiny,
Speaker 1: stoic and like the eat and when it's hard and
Speaker 1: it's like blowing that, I'm like like bringing those balls
Speaker 1: to a boil, you know what, is such a good
Speaker 1: fucking feeling. And I love that, you know, And I
Speaker 1: love the telepathy that happens, like insects, like the community,
Speaker 1: a nonspoken communication, like how sometimes you're blowing them. You're like,
Speaker 1: I'm blowing you to put this inside me, and that
Speaker 1: like mental trick, like winding him up to fuck you.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of fun. Um. Yeah, No, sex is
Speaker 1: the funnest. It is so much fun. It's the funnest.
Speaker 1: But it's also and even when it sucks, even when
Speaker 1: it sucks, it's still pretty. It's still something. It's still
Speaker 1: it's still more exciting than like Dancing with the Stars,
Speaker 1: I agree, or The Bachelor or the Bachelor Show, even
Speaker 1: though I probably would love watching it hot. I actually
Speaker 1: do like the idea of what the Bachelor only because
Speaker 1: I saw one episode I should be watching it and
Speaker 1: it looks there was intended to be funny. There was
Speaker 1: a stupid girl on an episode. The one episode it
Speaker 1: was a stupid I don't know you wouldn't believe it.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't believe it. But she like she won some
Speaker 1: challenge and so she and the Bachelor, we're going to
Speaker 1: get to sing Kiss from a Rose by Seals. But
Speaker 1: her storyline, as like on the reality show, was that
Speaker 1: her father had just died. Was like, and so they
Speaker 1: did have cancer, and so like she they couldn't do
Speaker 1: like an interstitial interview with her where she didn't bring
Speaker 1: up her dead father, and so it was Seals Kiss
Speaker 1: from a Rose and then her dead dad. Somehow, this
Speaker 1: girl was like, my father would be so jealous right
Speaker 1: now that I get to sing Seals Kiss from a Rose.
Speaker 1: What I like, Like, I when I think about it,
Speaker 1: I still get so excited, Like I still get so
Speaker 1: excited that that moment happened in television work. I was like,
Speaker 1: my dead father would be so jealous if you knew
Speaker 1: that I got to sing Seals Kiss from a room.
Speaker 1: You know, everyone just paused the podcast. So you see
Speaker 1: this video. You've got two girls. It's absolute heaven. My
Speaker 1: dad would fucking hate me, right, but he's dead, so
Speaker 1: he can't be. So she says, I've kiss rob the grave,
Speaker 1: which is I mean, seriously, do you know what I mean, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, damn.
Speaker 1: So we've talked about sex a horrible of family. We've
Speaker 1: talked about Did you have a checklist? Uh no before
Speaker 1: I got here, not at all. Like I'm trying to
Speaker 1: like not sweat any other We have to wrap pretty soon.
Speaker 1: Is there any other like stories sex injuries that the
Speaker 1: break in the knee at the word? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've done so many weird sex things like huh,
Speaker 1: I've never I I that orgy was the first storgy
Speaker 1: and that's why I feel so nerdy my first storgy.
Speaker 1: It was my first freesome, but it was my first.
Speaker 1: Would you still do something like that, like go to
Speaker 1: an orgy with your partner or well? You know, I mean,
Speaker 1: I think the magic of it is that, like I
Speaker 1: I was going to lie and say that I've never
Speaker 1: lived my life in pursuit of sex. I have obviously,
Speaker 1: isn't that called life? Right? But no, I mean, like
Speaker 1: I've never gone to like a sex club, do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? In Atlantic City? Next city? Thank god? No,
Speaker 1: I want to go to a good one though. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've never been to a sex I've had friends who
Speaker 1: have gone to bathhouses where does this. So I used
Speaker 1: to host a lot of of burlesque shows, and it
Speaker 1: was a burlesque after party and these girls they, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, so it was was it not a planned orgy?
Speaker 1: Just turned into it? I think I think they all
Speaker 1: I clearly wasn't their first time at the rodeo. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? But it was mine.
Speaker 1: But again, like, but I'm not at all just numbers wise,
Speaker 1: I've probably had more sex than all of them combined, right,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Sex Again, I think
Speaker 1: it's I think it's got to be over three hundred.
Speaker 1: It's got it's got to be over three hundred for you.
Speaker 1: But again, like it's just saying like once upon a time,
Speaker 1: there were three or four a week, times four weeks
Speaker 1: times two years, a lot of what it's a good
Speaker 1: amount of dicks. It's it's you know, your hormonal twenties. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well I get it, you know. I wonder like I
Speaker 1: met my boyfriend I was we started Dame when I
Speaker 1: was twenty three, and I'm like, man, I would have
Speaker 1: had a lot of dicks if I hadn't met him,
Speaker 1: not in a bad Oh yeah, I love him. He's
Speaker 1: downstairs he's the best. He's the fucking I like. I
Speaker 1: love him so much, Like I didn't know I could
Speaker 1: love somebody that much. Same um, and it's like better
Speaker 1: every day. But yeah, he's great, huge dick um. Good
Speaker 1: for you. But I always think, like, man, I probably
Speaker 1: would have it would have been in the hundreds probably
Speaker 1: if I stayed single, because there was a point where
Speaker 1: I was just getting to that point of like having
Speaker 1: a couple of people on roadtate you know. Well. The
Speaker 1: other thing was, like I was so a lot of
Speaker 1: my my faccory was in the nineties when there weren't
Speaker 1: like not everyone had a webcam, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: So like you would go online and it would be
Speaker 1: entirely verbal, like the like I describe what you look like,
Speaker 1: you know, um, So those were the good old days,
Speaker 1: and like you would risk, like there was like a
Speaker 1: real risk to you, Like I might be traveling a
Speaker 1: couple of miles to meet this person and they could
Speaker 1: be minging you know what I mean, They could be
Speaker 1: to you, of course, but I would see it through.
Speaker 1: I will not I will not leave, do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? In the game of sexual chicken, I
Speaker 1: will not veer. I will drive it right off with
Speaker 1: admirable thank you, good for you. So there was this
Speaker 1: one guy who sent me this picture of himself and
Speaker 1: he was like dressed like a sea captain. I was like,
Speaker 1: I've got to do this, and I was so wasted.
Speaker 1: So I like buds like two blocks, like drunk bike
Speaker 1: in my twenties. I was a monster. I mean, which
Speaker 1: is also illegal people don't know about. It was beyond delete.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah. Oh I have another fun story. Um
Speaker 1: it was in a similar part of the Miami. But
Speaker 1: so I like to this guy's house and he decided
Speaker 1: he took my pants off and it was like, I
Speaker 1: have to shave your ass. And so then he moved
Speaker 1: me to his bed and brought out like a bucket
Speaker 1: of soapy water and a razor and did you wanted
Speaker 1: to shave your I was like, go for it, You're whatever,
Speaker 1: You're the captain. And he had this like weird bachelor
Speaker 1: pad with like wood framed posters of tigers. The whole
Speaker 1: thing was it was so like everything was wood battled.
Speaker 1: It was really it was kind of helping. The whole
Speaker 1: thing would be nautical themed, kind of like there was
Speaker 1: a ship's wheel. Oh yes, yes, I was envisioning that, oh, captain,
Speaker 1: my captain he was, and he had like a big
Speaker 1: old donkey dick and like a weird like a love
Speaker 1: boat mustache, like the whole effect. She was creepy as hell.
Speaker 1: So I bent over like downward facing dog and then
Speaker 1: fell asleep while he was shaving one butt cheek. So
Speaker 1: I woke up the next day and I was like,
Speaker 1: where the funk am I? And uh, like I had
Speaker 1: one but cheek shaved. I didn't shaved the other one. No,
Speaker 1: he didn't. He gave up. I passed out. In his defense,
Speaker 1: he was like, okay, you have the bed. I only like, well,
Speaker 1: it's nicely only like shaving your butt while you were conscious.
Speaker 1: He didn't take anything else to me. It was mighty
Speaker 1: white of him. And then uh, and then I ended up.
Speaker 1: But then I just remember this other time that I
Speaker 1: was I drove very very drunk. Uh. This boy I
Speaker 1: was being the makeout bandit at this bar called Crowbar,
Speaker 1: and I had made out with everyone and then uh,
Speaker 1: I thought that I was upgrading, but I was just
Speaker 1: getting more and more drunk, and so I thought I
Speaker 1: had the hottest one in the room. And then he
Speaker 1: throws me his keys. He's like, I'm too drunk to drive.
Speaker 1: You drive, So I was blind drunk. I drove back
Speaker 1: to his house and then he uh he took all
Speaker 1: the cushions off the couch and laid them on the floor.
Speaker 1: And I thought that we were going to have some
Speaker 1: kind of like weird floor Yes, except once again, I
Speaker 1: just passed out nude. Yeah. When I woke up, his
Speaker 1: mother was in the kitchen in an open floor plan
Speaker 1: looking at my naked body, cooking breakfast. Was his mother.
Speaker 1: He was in his bedroom sleeping, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: and then he got permission from his mother to take
Speaker 1: me into her bedroom and yeah, and like the bedroom
Speaker 1: was like full of bibles and a picture of his
Speaker 1: brother who died in war, of course, and then and
Speaker 1: then and then he asked me to raw dog him
Speaker 1: and did his O. That sounds fine. Nice. Was totally
Speaker 1: not handsome. That was the other thing. I'm not attractive.
Speaker 1: I total beer. The rest of the story told me
Speaker 1: that did his mom knew knew his mom knew he
Speaker 1: wanted to raw dog went on inner bed. He asked
Speaker 1: permission for us to have sex in her bed and
Speaker 1: she was like, yeah, just moving. She was cool. Mom
Speaker 1: apparently very cool. Too cool. Yeah, creepy cool, not cool. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? I made I'm just
Speaker 1: saying I've made a lot of sexual mistakes, you know,
Speaker 1: but I still got married. I still found a great guy.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Yeah? I like, let's
Speaker 1: be very clear. You can be a slut. Hell, you
Speaker 1: can be and like you can not fit in with
Speaker 1: your family. You can be told your whole life by
Speaker 1: your family that like you're doing it wrong word, and
Speaker 1: you can still end up in a life that you love,
Speaker 1: successful with a good person who cares about Like there's
Speaker 1: a clap that needs to happen right now, right And
Speaker 1: I love you guys, And you can get dumped and
Speaker 1: fucking listen to Brandy all you want. Yes, queens, Brandy,
Speaker 1: Where can we find you online? Online? I'm Twitter, Maren,
Speaker 1: x M E h r A and x UM and
Speaker 1: I am at the I'm a regular at the Comedy
Speaker 1: Seller and I have a weekly show at a Bark
Speaker 1: Pinks every Monday night. It's free. We actually get your
Speaker 1: dollar if you come. You come, Yes, I give people.
Speaker 1: We give you a dollar Monday. We love it and
Speaker 1: the week every Monday at eight pm. Oh show, and
Speaker 1: what do you come? I can't wait to have you.
Speaker 1: And we booked the greatest comics. It's so ridiculous that
Speaker 1: we have to give people a dollar to come, but
Speaker 1: we're doing it. That's great. I love that. But that's
Speaker 1: so funny. That is it's worth It's worth it exactly,
Speaker 1: and it just goes back to the bar. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: And and yeah it's Monday night since the first Avenue
Speaker 1: and tenth Street. Oh fu. Yeah, this is wonderful, the
Speaker 1: sweetest thing that But this has been another episode of
Speaker 1: Guys we Sucked, the Anti Sludging Me podcast. We will
Speaker 1: talk to you next Friday. Okay, okay, okay, okay okay.
Speaker 1: So kaka you found you say here years says M
Speaker 1: M M