Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys Book. I'm Christina.
Speaker 1: I'm We're sorry about last night, the anti slut shaming podcast.
Speaker 1: I never stopped. Hey, everybody, welcome to another episode of
Speaker 1: Guys We Fucked. It's the anti slut chaing podcast. I'm Karn.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina. What's up, dude? Yes, sorry, I'm turning now.
Speaker 1: A guy? What was it last night? Two nights ago?
Speaker 1: Two nights ago? Because I thought it was an asbury?
Speaker 1: A guy fucking followed me into my apartment building. He
Speaker 1: followed you into he tried to follow it. This has
Speaker 1: never happened to me before. I was with Vanessa and
Speaker 1: she was outside of my apartment. Was this after Natal Bunches? Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: but then we went to the Olive Tree to get
Speaker 1: a drink and then she drove me back. We're sitting
Speaker 1: chilling in her car outside of my apartment. And then
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, but I'll see you later. And
Speaker 1: I go to my front door and there was a
Speaker 1: couple of guys. It was is like three thirty am am.
Speaker 1: There's a couple of guys kind of scattered walking towards me,
Speaker 1: but nothing. I mean, you know, it happens all the
Speaker 1: time here it's Murray Hill. And I opened the door,
Speaker 1: and for whatever reason, I was like, I gotta make
Speaker 1: sure this closes behind me, like fully closes. I closed
Speaker 1: the glass that there's two glass doors to get my
Speaker 1: building that both closed and lock. I closed the first one,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, this guy, this's like midget,
Speaker 1: little fratbro guy, like just starts banging on the glass
Speaker 1: let me in, Hey, hey, hey, let me in. And
Speaker 1: I was like, what the fuck? And I ran, I screamed,
Speaker 1: and I ran into my apartment and I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe that
Speaker 1: just happened. He didn't live in the building, because I
Speaker 1: stuck around and see if he was gonna buzz because
Speaker 1: I was like, as he's just like a drunk guy.
Speaker 1: He like locked himself out right, and I was like,
Speaker 1: well he was being so he was screamed, was yelling
Speaker 1: really loudly. You know how those what those white men are?
Speaker 1: Oh man, I get that rage. And then then they've
Speaker 1: been denied something I know. And then then I before
Speaker 1: that called nine one one on another stranger. Yeah, well
Speaker 1: because you sent me that picture of the guy who
Speaker 1: was like passed out in your doorway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that was that. Oh, these are two separate nights. Then
Speaker 1: that was after Notch a bit pass and the other
Speaker 1: night was other night. Right, I'm like, what the funk
Speaker 1: Murray Hill, get it together. That's no good. Come see
Speaker 1: us live, you guys U on Monday. This coming Monday
Speaker 1: July at eight pm. We thought the guys we test
Speaker 1: toward it was sold out, but Subculture released a couple
Speaker 1: of standing room seats. Standing room also means though you
Speaker 1: do get a chair, so don't don't worry you're not
Speaker 1: gonna be standing because you're fine. It's uh. Doors at
Speaker 1: seven o'clock showed eight. Subculture is the venue forty five
Speaker 1: Bleaker Street. Linked to tickets you can find it. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry about last night comedy dot com slash tour. Oh
Speaker 1: U that it's really crazy. Um, the next day is
Speaker 1: going to be gone by then, so we can just
Speaker 1: move on to the next one. Move On Saturday July
Speaker 1: in the West Village at zinc Bar, Glamour Puss is happening,
Speaker 1: co hosted by myself and Wendy Starling. Doors at seven
Speaker 1: show at seven thirty it's gonna be all wild night
Speaker 1: come and then on Friday, July we're gonna be in Montreal,
Speaker 1: Canada for the second show, which is really the first
Speaker 1: show because it's happening before the live recording of Guys
Speaker 1: We Fucked. It's happening at three thirty in the afternoon,
Speaker 1: which is I think a great time for it to happen.
Speaker 1: Make it feel to get to nineteen dollars and fourteen cents.
Speaker 1: Go to storry about last Night Comedy dot com backslash
Speaker 1: Tour to get the details for that. And remember the
Speaker 1: first one sold out and this one doesn't have a
Speaker 1: lot of seats left, So do that, do it? And
Speaker 1: then oh my god, Toronto, Canada, How you doing, Toronto, Canada.
Speaker 1: We all be inside you for the just for laughs, Toronto,
Speaker 1: and I'm really excited for this. On Thursday September, we're
Speaker 1: gonna be doing the live recording of Guys We Fucked.
Speaker 1: And then on Friday September, we're gonna be doing our
Speaker 1: Guys We Fun Tour show, which is, like we've said
Speaker 1: a billion times on here, it is one of the
Speaker 1: most fun nights I have of the month. Um, it's
Speaker 1: really excited. We bring the podcast to life with you.
Speaker 1: In it, we do stand up, we do all sorts
Speaker 1: of stuff, So come on out link for tickets. All
Speaker 1: these links can be found in the description of this podcast.
Speaker 1: If it's a tour that krit and I are doing.
Speaker 1: Sorry about last Night Comedy dot com. And we also
Speaker 1: want to wish a very special happy birthday to Kristen McFarlane.
Speaker 1: Your friend Brittany Cole has been emailing us NonStop. She's
Speaker 1: a really really good friend. I know it's belated now
Speaker 1: bequizes on Wednesday, but I hope you had the best
Speaker 1: day ever. We appreciate you so not happy birthday girl.
Speaker 1: Oh well, So this episode of Guys We Fucked is
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Speaker 1: I didn't know where I was going with that. That
Speaker 1: was good. It's always a surprise. Um, so let me
Speaker 1: to go first. Yeah, you go first. I'm a little angry.
Speaker 1: Oh mine's not mine. Well, mine is like mildly angry.
Speaker 1: As we know. Di f I loves to send a
Speaker 1: lot of emails regard dying, you know, life, feminism, the
Speaker 1: podcast she should publish a coffee table Things I left
Speaker 1: on my staircase back in two thousand two that I
Speaker 1: still haven't brought up to my room. Lazy bitch, you know.
Speaker 1: But it's like it's like if they're on the staircase,
Speaker 1: then I'll see that they're there. My room is huge
Speaker 1: at home, like I think it's getting lost. I have
Speaker 1: too many possessions. And it's not even like they're not
Speaker 1: even like high quality. They're just like I just have
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff. You do have a lot of stuff,
Speaker 1: Like I own a rubber chicken, like sometimes you might
Speaker 1: need you might need it. Though I might need a
Speaker 1: rubber chicken. I felt in my wife that I need
Speaker 1: to have one. And that's why Hoarders is a hit show.
Speaker 1: So the subject of this was two thousand and sixteen
Speaker 1: presidential race misogyny, and I was like, oh, Difi, what
Speaker 1: are you gonna serve me today? So she wants to
Speaker 1: make it clear that this is this is not like
Speaker 1: official Trump merchandise, but that just like the whole man
Speaker 1: versus woman presidential election is like reigniting a lot of
Speaker 1: misogyny that I think was maybe like like just brewing
Speaker 1: quietly under the surface, and now it's like it's fucking explode.
Speaker 1: Now all these guys are like, it's my time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like a geyser tamned the flash. All the women,
Speaker 1: She's like, you won't believe the disgustingly sexist T shirts buttons.
Speaker 1: So actually she didn't say this someone else. Uh sexy.
Speaker 1: Uh no, this particular part. She forwarded me the email.
Speaker 1: She's like, you want the you won't believe the disgustingly
Speaker 1: sexist T shirts, buttons and bumper stickers being sold at
Speaker 1: Trump rallies these days, because my that's like an angry feminist.
Speaker 1: My mom doesn't doesn't write emails like an angry feminist,
Speaker 1: but she just forwards them to me. Uh. And some
Speaker 1: of the things that are going around, like people are
Speaker 1: making buttons and T shirts and say Trump that bitch. Oh,
Speaker 1: life's a bitch, don't vote for one. I've seen that one,
Speaker 1: which I was like, wow, uh two fat thighs, two
Speaker 1: small breasts, dot dot dot left wing. That one is
Speaker 1: not even that. It's like a chicken joke. It's like
Speaker 1: from the right. Yeah, it's like a right wing joke
Speaker 1: about chicken. Misogynists were never known for their intelligence. It's
Speaker 1: not very good. And then oh and this is the
Speaker 1: last one is says Hillary sucks but not like Monica. Wow. Yeah,
Speaker 1: these are shirts, shirts and buttons. But the thing is
Speaker 1: like this goes along with what I've been saying, like
Speaker 1: Trump himself, he doesn't bother me because I don't. It's
Speaker 1: like it's an act. I don't think he really wants
Speaker 1: to be president. I think he's just sucking pushing people's
Speaker 1: buttons like a caricature, seeing how far it can go.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't believe any of this. I don't
Speaker 1: even believe that he's like truly a bad person. I mean,
Speaker 1: but I think he doesn't realize how powerful he, unfortunately is,
Speaker 1: and that the things that he's saying are like really awakening,
Speaker 1: like a lot of racism and misogyny and people who
Speaker 1: aren't in on the joke. But he isn't right. I mean,
Speaker 1: Trump's a racist motherfucker. I feel like he's just saying
Speaker 1: crazy ship and I well, I do think he's a
Speaker 1: misogyn I think he treats his his ex wife, his
Speaker 1: first ex wife, one of his ex wife. I don't
Speaker 1: I'm not thinking he's like a great guy. Like Yeah,
Speaker 1: did a to part in her book about the times
Speaker 1: that he would force her to fuck him. Basically he
Speaker 1: would rape her and then Trump paid her a lot
Speaker 1: of money to take it out of the book and
Speaker 1: she sucking. Did boy? I see that wasn't she should
Speaker 1: have done that. Yeah, the whole thing is sure. I'm
Speaker 1: sure he also threatened her life, but we didn't hear
Speaker 1: that part. The whole thing is about Yeah, so it
Speaker 1: was just like that. And that's the problem. I think
Speaker 1: that's like the biggest problem is that all these people
Speaker 1: are like really getting on board with like these these
Speaker 1: ideals that like mostly anyone can be like this is crazy,
Speaker 1: Like oh wow, you're in the sane person. Yeah, it's horrible,
Speaker 1: And I just feel so bad that Hill has to
Speaker 1: run against like a cartoon character, like girl, girls worked
Speaker 1: so hard. We do work hard. Oh girl, I meant
Speaker 1: like girl like Hillary, but yes, girls do work hard.
Speaker 1: It was like girls worked so hard like apostrophe like
Speaker 1: that girls were hard. Yeah, she worked hard work. And
Speaker 1: then like this is like if somebody just making it
Speaker 1: like born into money didn't do well with it, but
Speaker 1: everyone thinks did. And then he's like Mexicans rape, but
Speaker 1: I want to run for president. Everyone's like, yes they do,
Speaker 1: and yes you should. Like if you were if you
Speaker 1: told Hillary Clinton twenty years ago that she would be
Speaker 1: running for president against Donald Trump, she would have been
Speaker 1: no way. Um, oh god, I hate that I hate
Speaker 1: a lot of things. I haven't on the internet a lot.
Speaker 1: I do a lot of internet reading, read the news
Speaker 1: a lot. See, I can't be I can't do that.
Speaker 1: It's ref um and I've seen all the it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to do with sex, but it's fucking I really
Speaker 1: wanted to say something about, yes, yes, I know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, all of the police brutality against young black
Speaker 1: man in this country, black people in this country. Um,
Speaker 1: I was walking too. I was walking in the West
Speaker 1: Village two days three days ago, and there was a
Speaker 1: homeless white guy. He's probably fourties or fifties. He looked
Speaker 1: like he was kind of crazy, but not like you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know, he looked. You look at him and
Speaker 1: you're like, yeah, you might have something mental going on
Speaker 1: with you. You know, you've seen Marlin's. He was carrying
Speaker 1: a suitcase, which it was like a nice suitcase, and like,
Speaker 1: you get that suitcase, bro um and I went to
Speaker 1: get a nice tape. And then I heard him yell
Speaker 1: at three young black people, two men, one woman, very
Speaker 1: racist things like I don't even want to repeat it,
Speaker 1: I can't, I could very bad. And uh, the one
Speaker 1: of the guys This was right after the second Um shooting,
Speaker 1: a couple of days after you had Alton Sterling and
Speaker 1: then Filando Castile, right after Filando got shot. Tensions are
Speaker 1: obviously very high. You. I have noticed it in comedy
Speaker 1: clubs and you know what I mean, Like, it's just
Speaker 1: everyone's in a weird Yeah, I feel it. Even my
Speaker 1: race jokes out for the weekend. Yeah. Yeah. And the
Speaker 1: one guy got really mad and his friend was like, look, man,
Speaker 1: it's not worth it. Look at him. He has nothing.
Speaker 1: Come on, it's not worth it. And I was standing
Speaker 1: right next to him, and I looked and I was like, dude,
Speaker 1: I am so sorry that a lot of white people
Speaker 1: can really suck. And I wish I could say more
Speaker 1: than I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
Speaker 1: And he puts his hand on my shoulder and he
Speaker 1: smiles and he goes thank you, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you're welcome. I wish there was more I could do that.
Speaker 1: That's fucking horrible. And then, um, I've been posting a
Speaker 1: few things. I've watched all of the videos of the
Speaker 1: shootings that have come out in the past week or two,
Speaker 1: and it's really bad. If you have not watched these videos. Especially,
Speaker 1: I encourage you if you are a white person listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast and you have not watched those videos,
Speaker 1: watch those videos. I just want to say, I think
Speaker 1: I wish more white people would educate themselves. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't like we said last week, if you don't want
Speaker 1: to take a stand, that's your right, right, But if
Speaker 1: you're going to write something on the internet, like Alton
Speaker 1: Sterling was a pedophile. Read the court documents because I
Speaker 1: just read them, and it was the thing he was being,
Speaker 1: the thing that he got charged with. It was basically,
Speaker 1: he had consensual sex with a minor. She was fourteen,
Speaker 1: he was nineteen or twenty. They had been dating for
Speaker 1: seven months. I read the entire briefing of that case.
Speaker 1: So he was also a young person. He was a
Speaker 1: young person dating for seven months old exactly. She ended
Speaker 1: up getting pregnant and the mom got pissed and she
Speaker 1: pressed the charges against Alton. Like that was the charge
Speaker 1: that these white people are going online on Alton's funeral
Speaker 1: go fund me page and commenting on and it's like,
Speaker 1: if you don't have to take a stand, but if
Speaker 1: you're gonna say ship, you should educate yourself on what's
Speaker 1: actually happening. Read everything. Have take have a cautious eye
Speaker 1: with the things you read, because sometimes obviously be able
Speaker 1: to tell what's bullshit and what's not that can be
Speaker 1: really hard. But if you are a white person and
Speaker 1: you don't know who Stokely Carmichael is, go on the internet.
Speaker 1: If you've never read the letter that the FBI sent
Speaker 1: Dr Martin Luther King calling him an evil, abnormal beast,
Speaker 1: look it up on the internet and read it. Okay, um,
Speaker 1: look up the Baltimore Sons two thousand fourteen article. It
Speaker 1: was called Undue Force, and it details a bunch of
Speaker 1: black people who earned a total over a couple of
Speaker 1: years five point seven million dollars in taxpayer money. They
Speaker 1: were paid because they were beaten up by the police
Speaker 1: without any there was no charges on them. They weren't
Speaker 1: committing a crime. If there were any charges, the charges
Speaker 1: were dropped. Read read that article. Go to the Guardians
Speaker 1: page where they have this um. They have a running
Speaker 1: list of everybody that's been shot by the police and killed. Uh,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of white people on there. There's more
Speaker 1: more black people on there the white people. It's like
Speaker 1: with with the black people. You look at it says
Speaker 1: the cause of why the why the police shot like
Speaker 1: was he armed a lot of the black people just
Speaker 1: like they were unarmed, and the white people that got
Speaker 1: shot were like holding a gun in the air and
Speaker 1: for gonna kill everybody. It's like, if you don't, if
Speaker 1: you don't think that there's a problem with racism in
Speaker 1: the United States, because that's the only country I could
Speaker 1: speak to, you're wrong, and I really encourage you to
Speaker 1: educate yourself. I was at Asbury Park yesterday and we
Speaker 1: were I did the festival and two fans came out
Speaker 1: and they were super cool and they were like, you
Speaker 1: want to get a drink and we went to go
Speaker 1: play outdoor ping pong, two white girls. They're fucking awesome.
Speaker 1: And then I don't know how it got brough up.
Speaker 1: I've just been talking about a lot lately. But they
Speaker 1: were like, I don't get the don't all lives matter?
Speaker 1: Like I don't get are you all lives matter or
Speaker 1: black lives matter? And I said, I'm black lives matter
Speaker 1: because if all lives did matter, we wouldn't need that
Speaker 1: hashtag because all lives are not being treated like they matter. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the thing I mean, I I posted a cartoon
Speaker 1: on my Instagram which I think really really like kind
Speaker 1: of depicted the whole all lives matter versus Black lives. Well,
Speaker 1: it's about a house burning down, and so it's, you know,
Speaker 1: two guys talking and it's like, well, one guy says, well,
Speaker 1: I think that all lives matter. Uh, we should care
Speaker 1: exactly equally at all times about everything, and it says
Speaker 1: all houses matter, and he is like spraying water on
Speaker 1: his house. That's perfectly fine, while the house next to
Speaker 1: it is burning down. So it's like it just goes
Speaker 1: on to say it's like, yeah, no one's saying that
Speaker 1: your life doesn't matter if you're white. What we're saying
Speaker 1: is there's a real urgent problem with with black people
Speaker 1: being murdered for doing nothing nothing, And it's like that's
Speaker 1: why we need to awaken everybody and be like, hi,
Speaker 1: they need help. But it's like specifically it's an urgent time,
Speaker 1: it's pressing, and that's what that means. Trevor Noah gave
Speaker 1: a really fucking great speech on The Daily Show that
Speaker 1: I think you guys should all watch. Um. One of
Speaker 1: the quotes that he that is from the speech saying
Speaker 1: it's like in America. If you take a stand for something,
Speaker 1: you automatically take a stand against something else. But you
Speaker 1: can be pro cop and you can be pro black.
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's a good fucking point, um.
Speaker 1: And then he was talking about, you know, this violence
Speaker 1: against black people by the police has been happening for
Speaker 1: a very long time. The only reason that everyone's up
Speaker 1: in arms about it now it is because we capture
Speaker 1: it on video. And then people white people are still
Speaker 1: they still are like, yeah, but didding key communical, there's
Speaker 1: still speculation. And then Trevor said, when it comes to Bigfoot,
Speaker 1: people see one blurry video and then dedicate their lives
Speaker 1: to finding him. They leave their families and dedicate themselves
Speaker 1: that ship. I was like, that's a good fucking point, Trevor.
Speaker 1: It's yeah, It's just I don't know, it's very weird.
Speaker 1: And I mean I think there there was an officer
Speaker 1: named the Kia Jones who made a video that I
Speaker 1: thought was amazing because she is a female black police
Speaker 1: officer who chose to work in a black neighborhood and
Speaker 1: she kind of just speaks very openly about like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I see black people committing crimes, but that has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with anything. She's like, I see white people
Speaker 1: committing crime. She's like, I'm a black person and I
Speaker 1: chose to work in this neighborhood because I felt like
Speaker 1: this is a neighborhood that could really use some help.
Speaker 1: It could it could it could use like me helping
Speaker 1: to keep this neighborhood safe. And she's like, I risk
Speaker 1: my life, and she's like, I have kids, but every
Speaker 1: day I go out knowing that I might have to
Speaker 1: risk my life to help somebody else's. And I thought
Speaker 1: it was great because it's like, like there's no arguing
Speaker 1: with her. She's black and she's a police officer, Like
Speaker 1: you can't know. That was like the perfect she was
Speaker 1: exactly the person who we needed to kind of take
Speaker 1: a stand. And then, like whatever you feel about Hillary Clinton,
Speaker 1: she did send out a really like if you're on
Speaker 1: her email list, she sent out a very good email.
Speaker 1: She sends out a lot of emails, with this one
Speaker 1: in particular was very good. Come on, I got that time,
Speaker 1: and she did. She quoted um Eli was Sell in
Speaker 1: this and and he said that the opposite of love
Speaker 1: is not hate, it's indifference. And the opposite of life
Speaker 1: is not death, it's indifference. So whether or not you
Speaker 1: choose to take a stand, I truly feel like, um,
Speaker 1: being different or being silent is very dangerous at a
Speaker 1: time like uh, time like now, especially with it's an
Speaker 1: election year, like it's very important to kind of educate
Speaker 1: yourself and know where you stand. And I think it's
Speaker 1: important to educate other people in a way. And this
Speaker 1: is something that I am so bad at. I get
Speaker 1: angry if I get angry about like this makes me angry,
Speaker 1: and it's sometimes very hard to articulate myself the way
Speaker 1: that I really want to. I posted a screenshot of
Speaker 1: the one video of the guy getting shuff Lando getting
Speaker 1: shot in his car next to his girlfriend and his kid,
Speaker 1: and I was like, if any more white people come
Speaker 1: at me with this all lives matter bullshit, go fuck it.
Speaker 1: Like I was angry. But last yesterday when I was
Speaker 1: talking to those two girls, two white girls, they genuinely
Speaker 1: didn't get it because they didn't read all the things
Speaker 1: that I've read, and they or they didn't have a
Speaker 1: close friend who they didn't witness something happened. They didn't
Speaker 1: watch the videos, they don't read the like, they're not
Speaker 1: as up to date. So I'm like I shouldn't the
Speaker 1: wrong thing to do them. It's like, are you fucking
Speaker 1: kidding me? Bitches? Really no, it's not. You gotta have
Speaker 1: that patient. It's very hard. I'm bad at I want
Speaker 1: to work on it, but yeah, just something to keep
Speaker 1: in mind. It all comes back to the all Lives
Speaker 1: matter issue, comes back to um High. It's not about
Speaker 1: yeah about you say, it's like the same problem that
Speaker 1: a lot of young people have. Is this. This is
Speaker 1: like now becoming a white thing. Like it's hey, white people,
Speaker 1: it's not about it's not about us right now. It's
Speaker 1: not what we're talking about. It's not the issue. It's
Speaker 1: like I could And it's so funny because like I
Speaker 1: live in Harlem, there's a lot of police presence. I
Speaker 1: could literally like walk by and give the middle finger
Speaker 1: to a police officer and he wouldn't do jack. I
Speaker 1: know that I've honked at a cop and gotten pulled
Speaker 1: over because he cut me off and he goes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: why did you honk at me? And I go, why
Speaker 1: did you cut me off? You didn't use your blinker
Speaker 1: and he let me go with nothing. Right If that
Speaker 1: it's I'm a white person, I've been very sassy to
Speaker 1: police officers. That being said, my last fucking interactions every
Speaker 1: weeks ago with a police officer was being cat called
Speaker 1: by one level is not super high right now. Um,
Speaker 1: But of course there are amazing police officers out there,
Speaker 1: and I know there are some people who listen to
Speaker 1: the podcasts who are police officers. Yeah, if you know
Speaker 1: that you're a good person, you're going out and doing
Speaker 1: your job and you're fucking pay attention. You're not getting
Speaker 1: paid to text, which I mean, we all texted our jobs,
Speaker 1: but police officers really shouldn't. Um. And it's a horrible, horrible,
Speaker 1: brutal murdering of the police officers in Dallas and the
Speaker 1: two other stuffs. That's sucking horrible. That is not what
Speaker 1: the Black Lives Matter movement is about. And the activists
Speaker 1: the worst thing for the course, because the Fox News
Speaker 1: assholes are gonna be no, because the Black Lives Matter
Speaker 1: protesters and activists are for peaceful protesting. They're not violent,
Speaker 1: so they're also don't Yeah, yeah, absolutely, what was this?
Speaker 1: That was a that was a sniper? Oh yeah, well
Speaker 1: the one guy was and then yeah and it was
Speaker 1: a he acted alone. But whatever, it doesn't matter. Those
Speaker 1: those killings are horrible, and that's such a tragedy. Those
Speaker 1: police officers who were protecting people were murdered. That was
Speaker 1: that's murders, never an answer to anything. I am pro
Speaker 1: police and I'm pro black people. Yeah, I mean overall,
Speaker 1: I'm just anti gun across all the guns. I like,
Speaker 1: I really wish like no one was using guns, including
Speaker 1: the prettiest force. But that will take a ak forever,
Speaker 1: because how ever, take guns away from people anyway. You
Speaker 1: can't take my gun away. Look, I'm mean shooting that
Speaker 1: could have also been done in an Asian accent or
Speaker 1: UM can't think, Yeah, we can't do one. I don't
Speaker 1: know whatever. Let's read some emails. Okay, um. The subject
Speaker 1: for this email sex scenes with my best friends rapist. Okay, Hey,
Speaker 1: Karen and Christina. I love you guys and could seriously
Speaker 1: use some advice. I'm an actress living in l A.
Speaker 1: And I don't have many professional credits on my resume.
Speaker 1: I've basically just been networking, auditioning, and nannying to pay
Speaker 1: the bills for the last two years. Well, I just
Speaker 1: booked a meat recurring role on a premium cable show.
Speaker 1: This is a huge deal for me. In the audition sides,
Speaker 1: I get pretty flirty with one of the series regulars,
Speaker 1: but I didn't think too much of it until my
Speaker 1: manager infor me that there would be nudity and simulated
Speaker 1: sex in future episodes. It is premium cable. I said
Speaker 1: it was fine, thinking I could handle it. Now I'm
Speaker 1: worried I made a huge mistake. I have no problem
Speaker 1: showing my body on camera if the story warrants it,
Speaker 1: and in this case it does, But I do have
Speaker 1: a problem with the actor whose hands and mouth are
Speaker 1: going to be all over me. One of my best
Speaker 1: friends dated this funk a few months back, and he
Speaker 1: seemed super sweet at first. Then he started pushing for
Speaker 1: really rough sex, coercing her to do things she didn't
Speaker 1: want to, and then just flat out raping her while
Speaker 1: she said no one cried. She broke it off with
Speaker 1: him and told me everything, but asked that I keep
Speaker 1: it between us. She didn't want to go to the
Speaker 1: police because he's in the public eye and she didn't
Speaker 1: want the attention. I respect her decision. She is handling
Speaker 1: it the best she can, and she sees her therapist
Speaker 1: every week, which is really helping her get through it.
Speaker 1: But I know it messed her up. Sometime within the
Speaker 1: next two weeks. I have to go on set and
Speaker 1: make out with this piece of ship. I have to
Speaker 1: let him rip my dress off and hunt me while
Speaker 1: I'm bent over a table. I have to pretend I
Speaker 1: love it. The thought of feeling his boner dig into
Speaker 1: my thigh makes me nauseous. I'm a good actor, but
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm that good. How am I
Speaker 1: supposed to stay in character when all I want to
Speaker 1: do is punch him in the throat as hard as
Speaker 1: I possibly can. I am so conflicted. I'm not in
Speaker 1: a position in my career to say no. Frankly, I
Speaker 1: really need this job, but I'm worried I won't be
Speaker 1: able to do it to the best of my ability.
Speaker 1: Please help, I'm freaking the fuck out, Yo. That's a
Speaker 1: tough spot. It is because she thought about it this weekend.
Speaker 1: She got a potentially career starting role, and it is
Speaker 1: hard to do that in a city full of actress
Speaker 1: is hell? Yeah, thousands millions wanting the same exact part. Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: Does anybody who ever criticize of people about not talking
Speaker 1: about Cosby? Do you understand that a little bit now?
Speaker 1: It's like, that's what I thought of. Like, whenever someone's like,
Speaker 1: how come you shouldn't do anything? You shouldn't doing something
Speaker 1: in any situation like that, it's like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: Everything is not black and white. It's not like this
Speaker 1: is exactly what you have to do. Like every situation
Speaker 1: has a different answer depending on what where you are
Speaker 1: in life, where you are in your career. I mean,
Speaker 1: these things do matter. People like to pretend they don't,
Speaker 1: but I think I think we've proven time and time
Speaker 1: again that women aren't always respected or believed when they
Speaker 1: come out with the fucking statements like this. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: it's like you could say the truth, no one could
Speaker 1: believe you. And then also your career was ruined on
Speaker 1: top of being raped or molested. So that's great. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: you know why you why are you happy? You should
Speaker 1: smiling out of my face? I'm glad I can't carry
Speaker 1: a gun. So I mean my thoughts. I yeah, I
Speaker 1: thought this one was really interesting that I wanted to
Speaker 1: read it because I was really thinking about this on
Speaker 1: the train after I read it. And I think that
Speaker 1: so you were if you were willing to do it
Speaker 1: all these things as long as you're comfortable with the nudity,
Speaker 1: and that's and you're not like forcing yourself to do something.
Speaker 1: It seems like you're comfortable with that and and all
Speaker 1: that stuff. So Number one, that's good. Um So if
Speaker 1: you're willing to do it before you knew who this
Speaker 1: actor was, I think you should still do it. Reason
Speaker 1: is because rape is a crime of control. So he's
Speaker 1: already controlled your best friend and did something really heinous
Speaker 1: to her, So like, don't let him get the control
Speaker 1: again by getting out of a role that could be
Speaker 1: really good for your career, then he wins again. That's
Speaker 1: my thoughts on it. I when I read this email,
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa that? And then I thought about
Speaker 1: what I would do. Yeah, that reasoning makes so perfect
Speaker 1: sense to me. I would do it because I know
Speaker 1: personally how hard if you get a role like that,
Speaker 1: you don't. I mean, that's that'll you either. That's a
Speaker 1: difference between waitressing for the rest of your life or
Speaker 1: like potentially being right having a great career in in
Speaker 1: a field where it's almost impossible to have a great career. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I try to be really careful just because I've been
Speaker 1: in this industry a long time, Like worked, but both
Speaker 1: behind the scenes and in front of the scenes, like
Speaker 1: just different positions. Almost my whole life, I've been in
Speaker 1: the entertainment business, and so I really really it's really
Speaker 1: hard to like kind of maintain morality. A lot of
Speaker 1: times when you're in this business. It's it's a shittyuss.
Speaker 1: It's really really bad. Um. But yeah, so so even
Speaker 1: beyond that, it's like, I don't think you should necessarily
Speaker 1: always do something just for the role, but in this instance,
Speaker 1: you're not doing You're not doing anything wrong, and don't
Speaker 1: let this fucking guy win. I would have a conversation, however,
Speaker 1: make sure you have a conversation with your best friend
Speaker 1: before she turns on the TV and sees this, um,
Speaker 1: and make sure she's comfortable. That would be my priority.
Speaker 1: But I think that she would respect you and your
Speaker 1: choice and just give her the reasoning. Um yeah, because
Speaker 1: you're right, it is, Yeah, fuck this guy. And also
Speaker 1: um because exactly because if you would get blacklisted for everything,
Speaker 1: if you said anything, I just know they would. I
Speaker 1: know the little bit that I know about Hollywood, you would.
Speaker 1: I hope is this chick becomes really sad and then
Speaker 1: later you can blow up this guy's spot like sometimes
Speaker 1: you just need some patience and then you can destroy
Speaker 1: his career later. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, she should take the role. She should
Speaker 1: be the fucking best and then go on a series
Speaker 1: regular and then get other TV shows and then get
Speaker 1: movies and then be like, oh remember me, fuck you?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, just yeah, just just fucking smile through that ship.
Speaker 1: Be kill him with kindness, be the best goddamn actor,
Speaker 1: be hot, be sexy, and then just fucking rune him later.
Speaker 1: You know, I love you. Just play it really really slow. Yeah. This, uh,
Speaker 1: this email of the subject is watching women's sports is
Speaker 1: a joke in quotes, Um, such an angry open. I
Speaker 1: know it's from a girl, which is important, Like this
Speaker 1: whole this whole intro. I'm sorry, guys, I'm vary angry.
Speaker 1: I know I feel it. I'm trying to calm down,
Speaker 1: but it's it's hard. Okay, Um, this is another thing
Speaker 1: that made me very angry. Okay, watching women sports as
Speaker 1: a joke. Hello, I am new to the podcast, so
Speaker 1: I apologize if this is a topic that has come
Speaker 1: has already come up, but I really wanted to know
Speaker 1: y'all's yes, and from Texas and I'm not a cowgirl
Speaker 1: opinion on female sports versus males. During the UFC fight tonight,
Speaker 1: my boyfriend and his friends made a comment of Misha
Speaker 1: Tate and Amanda Noons, Um Nunez, maybe I'm probably um
Speaker 1: being the headline Um being the headline fight was a joke,
Speaker 1: and that and that HBO ticket was going to lose
Speaker 1: a lot of money next fight if they make any
Speaker 1: girls fight the prime in prime viewing. I'm literally just
Speaker 1: I literally just kept laughing in my head, thinking, are
Speaker 1: you fucking kidding me? I did? I mentioned to my
Speaker 1: boyfriend I had been listening to your podcast and question myself,
Speaker 1: did I become a feminist now? L O L. But
Speaker 1: the guys made a point of saying that no one,
Speaker 1: no one enjoys watching women sports unless it's them in
Speaker 1: smaller clothes, and if women were equal to men, then
Speaker 1: they wouldn't have a women's league and a men's league.
Speaker 1: Grammy Serenity, Okay, they would just play all together if
Speaker 1: it were fair. And to be honest, I don't even
Speaker 1: give a funk about sports, but hearing them talk about
Speaker 1: this made me so irritated, so I wanted to know
Speaker 1: your opinion on the topic. Well, we also don't give
Speaker 1: a funk about sports, but now we do. I don't
Speaker 1: give a funk about sports. But I just spent hours
Speaker 1: researching this for you, not hours. I watched a video. Um,
Speaker 1: just just for example. Here's a sport. For example, soccer,
Speaker 1: huge sport in America. The Daily Show Hassamnage reported on
Speaker 1: The Daily Show videos online. If you want to watch it,
Speaker 1: you should. It's funny. They covered stuff about the US
Speaker 1: soccer team. And this is the women's soccer team. Here's
Speaker 1: some facts about the women's soccer team. Women's soccer team
Speaker 1: is paid less than the men's soccer team. Okay the men. Um.
Speaker 1: The men's soccer team has made it to a round
Speaker 1: sixteen of the World Cup, but the women have won
Speaker 1: three World Cups. The men ranked thirty in the world.
Speaker 1: The women's team ranked number one. The women's team has
Speaker 1: four Olympic gold medals. If the men's team men's US
Speaker 1: soccer team wins a match, they get seventeen thousand dollars.
Speaker 1: If the women's soccer team UH wins a match, they
Speaker 1: get one thousand, three hundred dollars. The men's team makes
Speaker 1: five thousand dollars If they lose a game, the women
Speaker 1: don't get paid. The women are forced to play on
Speaker 1: astro turf um and which is very It hurts like
Speaker 1: you fall on and you cut yourself. It's hard to
Speaker 1: play on. They don't like playing it. Men's team has
Speaker 1: never played a game on astro turf. And then some
Speaker 1: of you might be thinking, well, maybe it's because no
Speaker 1: one really cares about the women's sports and not a
Speaker 1: lot of people pay attention to it. You can't really help.
Speaker 1: You can't force a group of people to pay more
Speaker 1: attention to a woman's sport. The women broke the record
Speaker 1: recently for the most watched soccer game in American history.
Speaker 1: That's men or women uh soccer games combined, so they
Speaker 1: have an audience. They brought in seventeen million dollars for
Speaker 1: the Soccer Federation this year, and the men team lost
Speaker 1: two million dollars in profits. Okay, so tell your boyfriend
Speaker 1: go fuck himself and read them those stats. Yes, I
Speaker 1: was also like, who the funk are you hanging out
Speaker 1: within anything like that guy is a douche bag. I
Speaker 1: can understand, like a comment like I've even made comments
Speaker 1: certainly like making fun of women sports just just as
Speaker 1: a comic. Uh, But I mean, like you know, Stevens
Speaker 1: made fun Steven's made the comment of like, well, we
Speaker 1: just don't care enough about women's sports, but more people
Speaker 1: watch the US women's soccer and the men's what they do.
Speaker 1: But also and there's also like women can't really excel
Speaker 1: in sports if they're not given the chance. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: there are amazing women athletes out there, they just need
Speaker 1: to be given the chance to showcase their talents. Like
Speaker 1: so it's like this whole ripple effect that's going on.
Speaker 1: And also men and women can't plan the same fucking league.
Speaker 1: That's insane just because of this body structure of a woman,
Speaker 1: Like it's just not physically possible. Well, I will say
Speaker 1: Billy and King, female tennis player was fighting for equal
Speaker 1: pay in tennis, and she there this her interview was
Speaker 1: included in this Daily Show segment where she beat a
Speaker 1: man and the well, that's different because in tennis you're
Speaker 1: not you're not actually physically like you know, in a
Speaker 1: in basketball or something, very few women can play against men.
Speaker 1: Just the side. I had an argument about Joseph with
Speaker 1: Joseph Vessi about that and he was like, he's like
Speaker 1: men are stronger than women. I'm like, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1: And then you show me all these videos of men
Speaker 1: dunking and women dunking, like yeah, they're different kind of dunks.
Speaker 1: Yeah you're happy. Well, we're just it's just different. It's
Speaker 1: just different. Yeah, it's not better, it's just it's just different.
Speaker 1: And there's nothing wrong with being different. No, it's brought
Speaker 1: up a lot of stuff, like like even with like
Speaker 1: white people and black people, like, yeah, white people and
Speaker 1: black people are different. It's not that's people are like,
Speaker 1: oh that's a bad thing to say. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: differences are good. They meet people unique and somebody. You
Speaker 1: have your own culture, like men and women are different,
Speaker 1: and it's okay. The definition of culture is like this
Speaker 1: is my group of people that kind of do the
Speaker 1: same thing. Fine, we don't want to all be the same.
Speaker 1: We want to have equality, but we don't want to
Speaker 1: be all the same. Those are two different things. I
Speaker 1: don't want to live in a warrow. What everyone's the same. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that's just oh my god, that's so entertaining. But yeah,
Speaker 1: the comments about like the comments specifically that your boyfriend
Speaker 1: made about like the small wearing small outfits like oh fuck,
Speaker 1: I was like, are you dating at Fred flint Stone? Like,
Speaker 1: who the what the funk are you doing? Jesus Christ? Anyway,
Speaker 1: all right, so we have a fantastic show for you today. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it ain't angry. It's not angry, and it's interesting.
Speaker 1: It follows in a unique format that you know, it's
Speaker 1: kind of like a full like just like a narrative. Yes,
Speaker 1: I love it. So there are two comedians that I
Speaker 1: cite a lot that can make me belly laugh like
Speaker 1: no other one. We've interviewed, Jessica Hereson and the second
Speaker 1: is Link Coplitz. Linc Copolitz is a standard comedian and
Speaker 1: every time I see her, she's one of the funniest
Speaker 1: people I have ever seen in my life. Like she
Speaker 1: I cry laughing when I see your comedy. She's wonderful.
Speaker 1: And she does a lot of bits about sex, about dating,
Speaker 1: like dating younger men. And she's hot in a cougar. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's she's older, she's in her forties. She's hot. And
Speaker 1: so I was like, she will be perfect to interview.
Speaker 1: And I expected her to tell us all these tales
Speaker 1: about like slay and young date a lot a lot
Speaker 1: of dick suck on me. That's what we were walked
Speaker 1: in expecting. But we walked out better people, We really did,
Speaker 1: and you didn't expect that. I'm so excited, possibly religious. Seriously,
Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Lynn Copless.
Speaker 1: We just get dress just dress bat trying to say,
Speaker 1: let so good, so good good high like coples, I'm
Speaker 1: so set to talk to you as Hello, I'm and
Speaker 1: this is I guess I won't does my name how today? Now?
Speaker 1: Does she look like? Oh maybe Audrey? Audrey? That's what
Speaker 1: my dad wanted to name really really good at this Seriously,
Speaker 1: I wanted to do a documentary called the Name Stress
Speaker 1: because I'm really I think I have this this gift
Speaker 1: that people don't know about where I'm I can name
Speaker 1: people's babies in in Betro really and I'm not really,
Speaker 1: but that's what I wanted to do the documentary about.
Speaker 1: But I have renamed babies, and people call the baby
Speaker 1: by the name I call it, so like everyone like
Speaker 1: my friend brought her baby into the office and his
Speaker 1: name is Oliver, and I was like, hello, Bob, and
Speaker 1: now everyone calls him Bob. Has ever gone as far
Speaker 1: as they changed the name of the birth certificate. No,
Speaker 1: but like my one of my nephews, his name is
Speaker 1: David and everyone calls him Steve, like no one knows
Speaker 1: him as David. You like, that doesn't work that he confused.
Speaker 1: He when he was like four, I started calling him
Speaker 1: Steve and and the other one is Adam. I was
Speaker 1: doing it kind of to slam my sister, like as
Speaker 1: a joke. I didn't get to see them much, so
Speaker 1: I was like, Mike, Steve, good to see you. And
Speaker 1: they were like, I'm Adam and I'm David, and I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, but Adam was older, so I Adam
Speaker 1: kind of get old and name was like aunt Len,
Speaker 1: he's a comedian. She's kidding. And then the little one
Speaker 1: who's like a monkey boy, he climbs on everything. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and he was just like I'm well, no, we just
Speaker 1: have a lot of girls in our family. And then
Speaker 1: we finally and Adam is he's not he's a heterosexual
Speaker 1: little boy. But he's fifteen. But if he's Jewish and
Speaker 1: very um you know how Jewish can be kind of
Speaker 1: a mommy. He's a mommy. Like even when he was tiny,
Speaker 1: he was like my hands a dirty mom like you
Speaker 1: know right, like he's like like he has like the
Speaker 1: what do you call hand sanitizer and the cargo pants.
Speaker 1: But then David was like a monkey, like like breaking things,
Speaker 1: like when he was mad at you, he would head
Speaker 1: butt you and like and then my family is not
Speaker 1: used to we have all girls, and all of a
Speaker 1: sudden we have this little tire swing and chimp in
Speaker 1: the family. And I walked him with there. I was
Speaker 1: just like, hi, Steve, and he was like, that's not
Speaker 1: my name, with this angry look, and I said, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you're right, Stephen. And then he finally liked it. When
Speaker 1: I started, um what, he came around to it, and
Speaker 1: you know what, I got him a T shirt for
Speaker 1: hannaka slash Christmas, a big hoodie that said Steve made
Speaker 1: me do it. He's very smart and funny and he realized,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I can get away with a lot
Speaker 1: of crap. And so it's all. You know, it's been
Speaker 1: working out, but my whole family now refers to miss Steve. Wow.
Speaker 1: So you are a name Mry and there's two David's
Speaker 1: in my family. So Steve was just appropriate. It was
Speaker 1: nicer than any shorts. It was better than little David.
Speaker 1: You need to change it up a little David. Um, so,
Speaker 1: let's cart. It's a lot of teos will start like
Speaker 1: at the beginning of your like, like, what was it
Speaker 1: like growing up? Like what what kind of kid were you?
Speaker 1: What kind of how did you like masturbate a lot
Speaker 1: as a kid? Did you know I went to masturbate?
Speaker 1: Can I put this on? Yeah? Yeah, sure I didn't.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I can't. I have seriously, yeah, I
Speaker 1: have seriously considered doing my own podcast. And the idea
Speaker 1: of me like sitting here drunk and smoking weed that
Speaker 1: sounds all and and and taking Xanex and just talking
Speaker 1: the microphone alone really just got so surreal and scary.
Speaker 1: I'm like, hello out there, sir or something. You don't
Speaker 1: have to do it by yourself. I like the idea
Speaker 1: I'm alone against alone in Manhattan. I like, all I'm
Speaker 1: alone again. That's funny. Um, well, you have a beautiful
Speaker 1: apartment that you just decorated. Thank you. It's nice and airy,
Speaker 1: right it used to look like, Um, it was very
Speaker 1: don't you're cheating to know? Butterflies are free? That play
Speaker 1: it was, you don't know, look at him um, but
Speaker 1: it was. It was very like Greenwich Village, bohemian from
Speaker 1: the sixties. And now I think it's like bohemian more
Speaker 1: up to date. Yeah, like now yeah, and now it
Speaker 1: looks like us still get an old sad gay man
Speaker 1: lived here. Really, I know he looks happier. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: were saying earlier, like you like the idea of redecorating,
Speaker 1: and you don't have a bed another bed or a
Speaker 1: fold out couch so that people can't stay. The last
Speaker 1: guy I did it just stayed all the time like
Speaker 1: like like for the last couple of years, I feel
Speaker 1: like I haven't had boyfriends. I've had people that just
Speaker 1: didn't leave, like my housemates willing, but like guys that
Speaker 1: I had sex with who were just here a lot.
Speaker 1: Did they stay the next morning too long? Now they
Speaker 1: came back, okay, just kept coming back. And then they
Speaker 1: would let him. But he would stay for like five
Speaker 1: days on end, and then I'd go on the road,
Speaker 1: he'd watch the dog, and then he'd stay after I
Speaker 1: got back. And I had a really big, like kind
Speaker 1: of comfortable couch and now I have a lot of
Speaker 1: seat and I just don't have room for anyone now,
Speaker 1: and I like it. But even so, as I've redone it,
Speaker 1: people have started to say like, oh, maybe I could
Speaker 1: stay there. I'm like, were you going to sleep? Bitch?
Speaker 1: I didn't a fold out couch? What types of men
Speaker 1: do you usually go for? Who does? Can we go
Speaker 1: back to the it, you know, like what was I
Speaker 1: like as a kid, or and then we'll go back
Speaker 1: to what kind of thing? Because I really want to know,
Speaker 1: Like I'm so curious, but I've always dated. Well, you
Speaker 1: have to understand, I was a really ugly kid, Like
Speaker 1: when I ugly, like got beat up in middle school
Speaker 1: for being ugly, like got slammed into lockers, were lyople
Speaker 1: punched you was offensive? People would say like, hey ugly,
Speaker 1: you know my god? What was were you? Well? How
Speaker 1: because I could show you pictures, I just didn't take
Speaker 1: a lot of pictures because that was attractive. Um. We
Speaker 1: lived in Florida, and I was my sisters I talked
Speaker 1: about are my cousins. I was raised with my cousins
Speaker 1: and um, but I was an only child than that.
Speaker 1: So and my one the one sister who helped me
Speaker 1: with a renovation and whose daughters I call my nieces,
Speaker 1: who I love. She's quite beautiful still and was really
Speaker 1: beautiful as a kid, and I just was did you
Speaker 1: ever see the movie Welcome to the Dollhouse? So I
Speaker 1: was her. I was even dorky like that, like I
Speaker 1: had like that darkness, like I'm wanting, like I would
Speaker 1: put seventeen magazine picture so I can learn how to
Speaker 1: do my make it. My mother was I have a
Speaker 1: picture somewhere. My mother was dropped dead, beautiful and really thin.
Speaker 1: And I got all the Italian stuff like my mother
Speaker 1: got all the German stuff. To my mother had thin
Speaker 1: blonde hair and I had like dark brown, frizzy hair.
Speaker 1: And my mother we didn't have a lot of money,
Speaker 1: so my mother thought like conditioner was an extravagance to mean,
Speaker 1: while I would break a comb in my hair trying
Speaker 1: to brush it and Florida heat, you know. And and
Speaker 1: then she had a really short and I looked like
Speaker 1: one of those little mone teaching monkey things. It was
Speaker 1: just horrible and and and I and I was a
Speaker 1: virgin until it was like almost twenty. But again, a
Speaker 1: lot of that, I mean, some of it was my
Speaker 1: religious convictions and who I am, and some of it
Speaker 1: was just I was unattracted a lot of there wasn't
Speaker 1: a lot of possibility. Did you leave the awkward phases?
Speaker 1: You're very attractive? I did? I I when I when
Speaker 1: I I went to form in art school. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to make it fast because I could be so long
Speaker 1: when it's such long stories. But um, I went to
Speaker 1: Performing Arts High school and I kind of started to
Speaker 1: blossom there. I had gone to middle school and it sucked.
Speaker 1: I was getting beat up like every day, and finally
Speaker 1: one day these mean girls had said, you want us
Speaker 1: to put your makeup on for you? And my and
Speaker 1: my cousin Corey was really popular and she did the
Speaker 1: best she could to try and put me under her wing.
Speaker 1: But it was one of those where you realize, like, no,
Speaker 1: you go be you like they're accepting you. Let me
Speaker 1: just stay out here and deal with this. You know.
Speaker 1: It was like the prison yard. I mean that's the
Speaker 1: only thing I could say. It was like she was
Speaker 1: in with the latinas and I was like once in
Speaker 1: a while getting you know, touched up in the hall.
Speaker 1: How I've been watching a lot of Orange. I have
Speaker 1: to this season's crazy. That's me drinking. Um, It's I
Speaker 1: think I'm an alcoholic because this tastes like a hug
Speaker 1: for drinking sanrio. Yeah, it tastes delicious and you can't
Speaker 1: taste the alcohol. That's it tastes like hoping courage had
Speaker 1: a baby. Maybe you are and that's what I want
Speaker 1: to call you, sank Yeah, I think that. Can we
Speaker 1: go back to Audrey or Audrey so great? Do I
Speaker 1: look Latina to you a little bit? Yeah? I got
Speaker 1: a little Selina thing. Get that a lot. That's why
Speaker 1: I was wondering because I live in a building with
Speaker 1: all Latino and Latina's and they always speak Spanish to me.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I can't. I can't. I'm an Italian Jew.
Speaker 1: I can't. Oh you are my god, that's a harsh
Speaker 1: It's just a great It's not as bad. And she
Speaker 1: has a great nose, great nose, oh my god. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like when you meet a little person and they tell you, like,
Speaker 1: just so you know, I'm the hot of the little
Speaker 1: people because my proportions are right, like you're the hot
Speaker 1: of the Italian Thank you you're yeah? Yeah, like you
Speaker 1: got first cousins wanting to go out. Thank you to wait.
Speaker 1: So you were beat up because you were ugly, and
Speaker 1: one got put on the wing. One particular day, you
Speaker 1: can just put your hand up you want me to stop.
Speaker 1: One particular day, I came and I have weed, if
Speaker 1: you wanted. I never have companies. Oh yeah, can I
Speaker 1: say that might please me. I'm not going to get
Speaker 1: in trouble. No no, no, no, like my computers are
Speaker 1: going to start like the red lights not kind to
Speaker 1: start turning green. And I talked about acid and s
Speaker 1: It's fine, We're fine, We're fine. We've talked about a lot.
Speaker 1: You talked about, like the worst ship on this podcasts
Speaker 1: head Ophelia Molestation rape coms. Wish you could have heard
Speaker 1: Stephen selling you guys to me, because I was like,
Speaker 1: what are you saying? Well, I'm like reclusive about I'm
Speaker 1: a weirdo, like I'm getting older. Will talk about how
Speaker 1: that happens. But I literally, now that I've readne the apartment,
Speaker 1: I don't know, and the dog's getting older. I just
Speaker 1: I'm happy staying in and I need to get out.
Speaker 1: More of my sister's saying, she's like, you don't have to,
Speaker 1: like why don't you get back to the community. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I didn't punch that lady in the dog run. I'm good,
Speaker 1: that was nice. I just gave a rose to a
Speaker 1: guy on the bread truck. There're giving back and you're
Speaker 1: making people like, dude nice, I made people laugh. I
Speaker 1: do plenty of good um and and some bad. But whatever.
Speaker 1: I pray every day. I keep a prayer journal. When
Speaker 1: do you write in your prayer journal? I write. I
Speaker 1: write to God. It's personal. Um No, I mean you
Speaker 1: know what. Sometimes I do it drunk, which isn't it's
Speaker 1: a It just sounds like pits, but it's just a truth.
Speaker 1: I love you. Look at one and I would never
Speaker 1: say well or like, but you know in Jesus name
Speaker 1: amen x x X, I'm like, yeah, I love you.
Speaker 1: I do love you. Okay, when I've been drinking um,
Speaker 1: but no, I keep my prayer. But then I talked
Speaker 1: about blow jobs and I'm conflicted Christian, but I'm a Christian.
Speaker 1: You're a Christian who can get down and dirty and
Speaker 1: talk about it before Jesus. That's what makes me crazy.
Speaker 1: I'm always like, I'm not Jesus. I'm peter Ish like
Speaker 1: a disciples like he's Peter. I don't know, I'm messed up.
Speaker 1: He was the one that like denies Jesus three times.
Speaker 1: Oh and at the dinner party. He tells them like,
Speaker 1: I won't, I won't, and Jesus keeps going at the
Speaker 1: dinner party, the supper where the picture of the painting.
Speaker 1: I love how you're referring to the last supper asientator party.
Speaker 1: You know, about a fancy dinner party everyone. I think
Speaker 1: that's actually like a more accurate because Jesus, A lot
Speaker 1: of people don't realize Jesus threw that. Does he know
Speaker 1: that was his last supper? That's why he threw it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and he washed their feet there had special He absolutely
Speaker 1: he did it that. You know what, It's funny you said,
Speaker 1: because that's why he did it, because and they were saying,
Speaker 1: why are you doing this? And he said to show
Speaker 1: you that no matter who you are, no, but you're
Speaker 1: not better than anyone else's. And I'm pretty sure he
Speaker 1: knew where they had all been all day, and he
Speaker 1: was like, let's gross ass meat out of my house.
Speaker 1: I don't trust you, Luke flash your trees. So anyway, um,
Speaker 1: I digress. So I'm these girls who told me they
Speaker 1: would do my makeup for me, and I was supposed
Speaker 1: to meet them after the second period. I went in
Speaker 1: the bathroom and my sister core had always told me
Speaker 1: like don't trust blah blah blah blah blah, Like she
Speaker 1: did the best she could take care of me, but
Speaker 1: she was like a whole another part of the school.
Speaker 1: So I went in and they I'll never forget it.
Speaker 1: They put and I really want to do like an
Speaker 1: anti bowling thing, but they put green liquid eyeshadow on
Speaker 1: like a the way up to the eyebrow on both eyes,
Speaker 1: and I looked so crazy and clowney. And I really
Speaker 1: believed in my heart. But I don't like to say gallabah,
Speaker 1: and I don't like that word because I really was
Speaker 1: just loving, like I was just assumes in. I just no,
Speaker 1: no one's playing with you right now. It's not all
Speaker 1: about you. I was starting to park, don't make me baby,
Speaker 1: robatest in you so um knock that damn dog. So anyway, um,
Speaker 1: so you have you thought they had the best of intention,
Speaker 1: and you know, and I'll never forget you. Guys. The
Speaker 1: door opened one of the bathroom stalls. It was like
Speaker 1: an old like Michael Mike Nichols or whatever movie, and
Speaker 1: out comes Emily Young with perm tear and the ninety
Speaker 1: eight rock t shirt, smoke billowing behind her. She was
Speaker 1: a stoner and she goes, hey, bitches, get away from her.
Speaker 1: And I'm standing there with my crazy hair and my
Speaker 1: light mustache, like light Mexican boy mustache because my mother
Speaker 1: went and my mother didn't want me to grow up,
Speaker 1: so she would't let me shave my legs or do
Speaker 1: any And finally my cousin was like, they're calling Len
Speaker 1: baby gorilla, and Pete like, aunt Nette have to get
Speaker 1: her deodorant and shave her legs. And my mom went
Speaker 1: up on her own and it was mis school and
Speaker 1: um Emily was like, hey kid, why she was two
Speaker 1: years old than me. She goes, why'd you let him
Speaker 1: do this to you? And I was like, I didn't
Speaker 1: know they were gonna do this. She goes, all right,
Speaker 1: stop crying. Don't let those bitches see you cried, and
Speaker 1: she helped me get the makeup off. She's like, you
Speaker 1: live in my neighborhood and I'm like I do, and
Speaker 1: she's like yeah, and she lift two doors down because yeah,
Speaker 1: they have fucked somebody and you're in the bushes in
Speaker 1: your front arm because that's where I lost my virginity
Speaker 1: and I go oh, and she's like, are you origin
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, yeah, in all areas of mouth virgin,
Speaker 1: booth virgin, like total virgin, and you know, I'm hoping
Speaker 1: not to be forever, you know. And I was trying
Speaker 1: to be cool, but she was like, yeah, you're really stupid. Listen.
Speaker 1: Why don't you um meet me at the green thing
Speaker 1: after school and we'll walk back together to our houses
Speaker 1: and and I'm like okay, And the whole time I'm
Speaker 1: like hell yeah, you know. So when I got home,
Speaker 1: I said to my mother, and my mom and I
Speaker 1: were like roommates were that? And my mom was really beautiful.
Speaker 1: I go, I have a friend, so full disclosure. She
Speaker 1: smokes she had sex when she was fourteen, and the
Speaker 1: bushes under. I'm pretty sure my bedroom went now and um,
Speaker 1: she's really nice to me to dam and these girls
Speaker 1: did something really rotten to me, And my mom goes,
Speaker 1: but where did she live? And I said two doors down.
Speaker 1: She walked me home and for the first time ever,
Speaker 1: I said, in the back of the bus with no fear,
Speaker 1: because she let me sit in the back with her.
Speaker 1: And my mom goes, all right, okay, so maybe God
Speaker 1: wants you're good to rub off on her instead of
Speaker 1: her bad rub off on you. And then I was like,
Speaker 1: if you can just keep being real with me like this,
Speaker 1: then I say be your friend. Wow. And that was
Speaker 1: the beginning of me coming out of my shell and
Speaker 1: really getting to be me. And then I went performing
Speaker 1: arts school because I was like, I went to after
Speaker 1: middle school. What are you freaking nuts? Dollars to put
Speaker 1: you down? That's all so many says you. You have
Speaker 1: so many thicknesses. They would they would believe immediately that
Speaker 1: I just wanted to do out of pain. For background, everybody,
Speaker 1: let's dog fourteen fourteen year earlier. Very still got a
Speaker 1: lot of stuff going on, needs a lot of meds
Speaker 1: going through him to the ground. Try to kill him,
Speaker 1: but it didn't work because that motherfucker's gonna live until
Speaker 1: he's like twenty two. Well, I thought that we resolved.
Speaker 1: He was trying to commit suicide since he jumped from
Speaker 1: my arms. So you and Emily became best friends. Yes,
Speaker 1: and she sounds like this sounds like a wonderful indie
Speaker 1: movie that I want to watch. Yeah, she was a badass.
Speaker 1: She was the best and then um, Anyway, the end
Speaker 1: is I went into high school, and high school was
Speaker 1: even worse than middle school, and I was like, oh wow,
Speaker 1: this sucks. I can't do four years of this. And
Speaker 1: or however, many years ago and I went to my
Speaker 1: mother and I got this thing in mail. I said
Speaker 1: drama theater art and it was in the bad section
Speaker 1: of town, which translation is black. But you know this
Speaker 1: is in the eighties in Florida, and it said to
Speaker 1: my mom, listen, you gotta let me go to the school.
Speaker 1: And now looking back, my mom was, you know, wasn't accredited.
Speaker 1: I go, what does that mean. It's because it means
Speaker 1: it didn't count as college credit until the very last
Speaker 1: year you were there they got accredited. And I'm like whatever.
Speaker 1: And I still would have insisted I go because I was.
Speaker 1: I was withering at the high school, like I needed.
Speaker 1: I had gotten through this first, this middle school thing,
Speaker 1: and I was like this blows and um. And then
Speaker 1: when I got to book or Booker High School and
Speaker 1: they had a vision performing arts program, and it was
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, like the freaks found each other
Speaker 1: and I found all these weird friends. And but the
Speaker 1: boy thing didn't really happen because it just it wasn't
Speaker 1: about that. It was it was a school that you know,
Speaker 1: we were in plays, and we all thought we were
Speaker 1: going to Broadway. We had goals. You were presented with
Speaker 1: like these things that you were passionate about that you
Speaker 1: work towards, Like putting on a play a musical is
Speaker 1: such a collaborative exciting Like when that finished products happens,
Speaker 1: you're like so proud of all the hard work that
Speaker 1: everybody contributed. Better than Sacks. It it is Sacks in
Speaker 1: a way because there's a lot of four playing and
Speaker 1: her song and you know you're just and it was.
Speaker 1: But but anyway, after that, Um, then I went to
Speaker 1: college and I was still I was still a virgin.
Speaker 1: I still hadn't had text. I was just I was.
Speaker 1: I was a little bit of a goody two shoes
Speaker 1: and I've always been. Um it's really hard if you
Speaker 1: if you know me, it's not hard to believe, but
Speaker 1: when you watch my acts and stuff, like I'm a
Speaker 1: little religious, Like I pray a lot, I'm a big
Speaker 1: I'm a big Jesus fan, and um, it's so like
Speaker 1: in in high school, I was very I was very
Speaker 1: conflicted in losing my Virginia and all that stuff. Why
Speaker 1: because the religion partly and because I think I just
Speaker 1: wanted it to be. No. I just didn't want to
Speaker 1: give it away to something. I wanted it to matter.
Speaker 1: And then um, but it should anyway. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: not religious. I went to a college of Version, and
Speaker 1: I wanted it as a matter like totally no. But
Speaker 1: I mean I once, I once I had sex. I
Speaker 1: think I kept feeling. I had that feeling like here's
Speaker 1: the thing my mom works. So I found religion quite by,
Speaker 1: Like it's seven years old. My mom said, I don't
Speaker 1: know why it's getting religious, but it is. No, I
Speaker 1: think it's about seven years old. My mother said, what
Speaker 1: do you want for your birthday? And my mother and
Speaker 1: my aunt were like Harper Valley PTA like sexy, you know,
Speaker 1: heels to the PTA program, like you know, and but
Speaker 1: like Sophia, that's what my mom and I'll shave a
Speaker 1: picture and my mom, uh, my mom was like, listen,
Speaker 1: what do you want for your birthday? And it was
Speaker 1: seven and I said a Bible, a white Bible with
Speaker 1: my name I. My mom was like, where did this
Speaker 1: come from? And I was like, that's what I want.
Speaker 1: And then on the weekends I would go with different
Speaker 1: neighbors to church because my mom had to work. And Temple.
Speaker 1: I went to temple, I went to Crazy. My mom
Speaker 1: we were in Florida, so she put an end to
Speaker 1: snake basket Church. I went to to snake There a
Speaker 1: snake in the past. Yeah, they have snakes in basket
Speaker 1: up and they speak in tongues and stuff. And I was,
Speaker 1: that's the only rule. I wasn't allowed to get dunked.
Speaker 1: And I wasn't allowed to the beginning of true blood. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was on to get baptized. I was, and then
Speaker 1: exploring religion. One time. One time my mother came home
Speaker 1: and she was working in Miami and she came home.
Speaker 1: She called meybe for the weekend and she said, what
Speaker 1: did you do today? And I said I was saved?
Speaker 1: And she goes, from what And I said the fiery
Speaker 1: flames of Hoow And she said and where did that happen?
Speaker 1: And I said the murmur it's garage. And she said
Speaker 1: did they dunk you? And I said, no, that's Wednesday.
Speaker 1: And she said, over my dead bodies. Locked yourself in
Speaker 1: the house. I hope be there in or not twenty
Speaker 1: It took her like six houriches to drive home from Miami.
Speaker 1: She drove up and she's like where are they. I'm like,
Speaker 1: they their mom, please, And then I went through the
Speaker 1: whole rapture where they're like, Mom, please please get saved.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to tell and she's like, I'm
Speaker 1: not coming to Hell. I'll go where I want to go.
Speaker 1: And and then like a week later, someone came to
Speaker 1: the door and my mom goes, who could that be?
Speaker 1: And we had this in the eighties, those staying glass
Speaker 1: doors and like the transiums next to your door, so
Speaker 1: you could just kind of figure but you couldn't tell
Speaker 1: who it was. And my mom goes, who would be
Speaker 1: here at six o'clock? And I was like, and she's like,
Speaker 1: who is it? And I'm like, it's your brother Michael.
Speaker 1: Easier to save your soul. And my mom was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, get rid of my mom going in
Speaker 1: the garage. And she went and hid in the garage.
Speaker 1: And I went to brother Michael. I stood at the
Speaker 1: door and said, no, Lie looked him in the face
Speaker 1: and said, my mother's not here at while I gestured
Speaker 1: to the garage, and she's in the garage. And I
Speaker 1: was always that weirder. That was always like maybe we
Speaker 1: should pray about it. You guys and but then, uh,
Speaker 1: I don't even know how we got on this, but
Speaker 1: but so so, I'm just I think religion had something
Speaker 1: to do with it partly, you know why. I wasn't
Speaker 1: overly motivated like two, I wasn't boy crazy like like
Speaker 1: I want to try it. I'm afraid of your middle
Speaker 1: school experience. Didn't seem fun in high school, and I
Speaker 1: just kind of felt like, when it happens, it'll have
Speaker 1: the same reason I don't have children. I just I
Speaker 1: never wanted to push my agenda on the universe. And
Speaker 1: I think that came from my face, like I always
Speaker 1: felt like. But then I definitely went off path and
Speaker 1: became a bit of a horror as I got older,
Speaker 1: came to New York and you know, as it will
Speaker 1: happen when you held me when you moved here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then I was madly in love. I was in
Speaker 1: a very serious relationship. We lived in Tennessee, and um,
Speaker 1: we were getting very fat, and that's what people very fat.
Speaker 1: And he was from New Jersey originally and he was, um,
Speaker 1: he's still there. He was to See Technical College and
Speaker 1: he was a theater person. But he wait. I had
Speaker 1: met him in Knoxville, Tennessee at a theater company. He
Speaker 1: was one of the like producer, you know, founders whatever,
Speaker 1: finding members, founding members, and um, I was new to town.
Speaker 1: I was living with college friends who were in guard school,
Speaker 1: and I was just kind of the ones I'm going
Speaker 1: on this cruise with now, and I just kind of
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I gotta start doing stuff because I
Speaker 1: was like twenty three, right four, and I um, I
Speaker 1: went to this audition and then he said I'm having
Speaker 1: a party. He was this big cute ginger and I said, okay,
Speaker 1: I'll go. And I remember saying myself, I'm going to eat.
Speaker 1: They had pistachios in a boat, and I said, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna eat ten dollars worth of those pistachios and then
Speaker 1: I'll leave. God, That's what I told God. I'll stay,
Speaker 1: but only I'm gonna eat ten dollars worth of those pistachios.
Speaker 1: So if anything's going to happen to me, make it
Speaker 1: happen before I eat ten dollars with the pistachios. So
Speaker 1: I stood there and ate the pistachios. And while I
Speaker 1: was eating them, this guy came over to me and said, so,
Speaker 1: are you gonna eat all my pistage here, and I said,
Speaker 1: while ten dollars worth and we started talking and I
Speaker 1: really liked him, but he was going he had been divorcing,
Speaker 1: he had just gotten divorced, and he was way older
Speaker 1: than name. How much older at the time. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to think because I never I mean, I would say
Speaker 1: since then. I usually date guys half my age, like
Speaker 1: twenty years younger. That's what I imagine you who did
Speaker 1: like hot, really hot one cleaning a pool and usually
Speaker 1: don't speak English. Um well, uh, but uh. The best
Speaker 1: thing about Mark was that he dated it a while
Speaker 1: on and off. But what ended up happening was we
Speaker 1: started dating very seriously and I was living with him
Speaker 1: part time. I've been doing theater in Nashville, and I
Speaker 1: came home to his apartment and I had made a
Speaker 1: no lie, I was probably about the way I am
Speaker 1: now because I've gotten chunky again. I'm going through menopause now.
Speaker 1: But we were eating um ice cream Sundays out of
Speaker 1: salad bowls that sounds. And he had an awful tutor
Speaker 1: apartment in bill Tennessee, and he were looking at each
Speaker 1: other over the Sundays and he said, I got tenure
Speaker 1: and I had three jobs. I worked at Nation's Bank
Speaker 1: in the executive dining room. I worked at Chapin's Barn
Speaker 1: Dinner theater in Nashville, and I answered their phones during
Speaker 1: the day. But I was in place as well. And
Speaker 1: I was living above someone's house, in a songwriter's house
Speaker 1: in um Nashville. And then the summer it got so
Speaker 1: hot that all my candles and everything melted. Oh my God,
Speaker 1: and I over the Sunday, I said to him, I'm leaving.
Speaker 1: And I had three child I've never done I'd never
Speaker 1: been that brave. I didn't sult my mother. I didn't
Speaker 1: call anyone. I called a landlord. And his wife was
Speaker 1: always the kind of the shrew. She was like an
Speaker 1: accountant and somewhere in Hollywood, and he was there too,
Speaker 1: but he was a songwriter. And he answered, and I said,
Speaker 1: I think I need to talk to whatever her name was, Jenny,
Speaker 1: and I he said, well, she's not here right now.
Speaker 1: And I said, well, maybe God wants me to tell
Speaker 1: you this. I don't know if I can get out
Speaker 1: of this lease, but here's the situation. And I told him,
Speaker 1: and he goes, baby, run, don't walk. You're out of
Speaker 1: the lease. You're And I said, well, well, and he said,
Speaker 1: don't worry about her. I got you. He goes, and
Speaker 1: don't pay us for anymore this, don't pay for the
Speaker 1: because I said, I'll pay for these two weeks. No, no,
Speaker 1: no no, don't just just pack up and and and
Speaker 1: God bless you go and I'll never forget it. And
Speaker 1: I packed everything in my car and I called my
Speaker 1: mothers and I'm coming home to Virginia. And then I
Speaker 1: got to go to New York. And my mom said,
Speaker 1: what did Mark say? And I said, he he can't
Speaker 1: come because I said to him, what about me? What
Speaker 1: about you have tenure? Because tenure means you ain't leaving
Speaker 1: because you have that job. And I said, I thought
Speaker 1: we were going to go to New York and we
Speaker 1: were gonna live with your family, and then we were
Speaker 1: gonna I had we had a whole plane you already
Speaker 1: talked about. And I'm twenty four years three years and
Speaker 1: twenty four years old, almost twenty five. And I said well,
Speaker 1: and he said he looked down and girls, when that happened,
Speaker 1: I said, oh my god, we're not doing it. Oh
Speaker 1: you don't believe I can do this? And he said,
Speaker 1: I just think it's a really hard career. And I said, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going and I I left. I invited him, I
Speaker 1: begged him to come. He couldn't. He was a big
Speaker 1: fish and a little pond and that's where he swims. Well,
Speaker 1: so we um. I called my mom, told my mom
Speaker 1: she's with Marseille. I said, he's not happy, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. I gotta go. And then she said, what
Speaker 1: about your jobs? I said, most of them are upset,
Speaker 1: but the landlords let me out. And some of my
Speaker 1: girlfriends aren't talking to me. Because I've lived there a while.
Speaker 1: People were getting people get hurt. People don't like change.
Speaker 1: They get very Yeah, they really don't. That's something I've learned.
Speaker 1: Like I've lost friends because of change. People told me
Speaker 1: I was going to die on the streets and I said, well,
Speaker 1: and I did tell Mark the one thing I did say.
Speaker 1: He said, what are you doing? And I said, if
Speaker 1: you want me to stay and you asked me to
Speaker 1: marry you, I'll stay. Really, he said, that's what he said.
Speaker 1: He said really, And I said, but you shouldn't know.
Speaker 1: I swear to God, hand to God, stop right now.
Speaker 1: Then I will beat you on the radios. I don't
Speaker 1: care if you're bored by it. They have never heard it.
Speaker 1: It's the important part of this story. Yeah, I got it.
Speaker 1: It block. It is aldough. You're gonna go live with
Speaker 1: Aunt Joan and heaven? Do you want this shorter? Okay,
Speaker 1: it's not time for you to be a wing dog,
Speaker 1: but you're gonna be one. I think you. Look at
Speaker 1: him trying to get into microphone for me, what a
Speaker 1: douche bag? Sit down? Um, this is what I said exactly.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for telling it's too long? Can you cut it? No? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's fine. No, it's not too long, I said. I. Um,
Speaker 1: I'll marry you, but I should tell you something. I
Speaker 1: will leave you someday. M but I'll marry you, but
Speaker 1: stronger than wanting to be married to is I feel
Speaker 1: like God wants me to go to New York. And
Speaker 1: he was like what, Because whenever you bring up God
Speaker 1: like that, people were like what and excuse? And just
Speaker 1: so we're real clear, I told a Jewish agent ones
Speaker 1: that I thought God wanted me to ask for two
Speaker 1: hundred or three hundred and fifty thousand dollars for a deal,
Speaker 1: and guess what I got. She was like I'm about
Speaker 1: to convert. So um. Anyway, that was after I had
Speaker 1: even filed bankruptcy and everything. It was hilarious. Did you
Speaker 1: secretly want him to not ask you to marry him? No,
Speaker 1: I wanted him to ask me. I just felt like
Speaker 1: I needed to be honest. Yeah. So he said, well,
Speaker 1: what does that even mean? And I said, what it
Speaker 1: means is I don't know when. I don't even know.
Speaker 1: You know, it might be fifty years from now, but
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, this need to go to New York
Speaker 1: is never going to go away and to be whatever
Speaker 1: it is I need to be. It's not I don't
Speaker 1: know what it is yet, but it's not this. It's
Speaker 1: not just a wife. And not to mean that just
Speaker 1: being a wife or a mom is a small thing.
Speaker 1: I mean, Mary was a mother, but I think that
Speaker 1: it is. Um. It wasn't my personal calling. It just
Speaker 1: wasn't my personal calling. It was something I think he
Speaker 1: had been good at, but it wasn't the thing that
Speaker 1: I could have been granddad. So I said, I think
Speaker 1: I'm I'm supposed to mother a lot more people than
Speaker 1: a few kids, and I don't think I should stay here,
Speaker 1: but I will because I love you. That much. So
Speaker 1: sweet of you like that, I said, but Mark, you
Speaker 1: should know someday we could be on a family vacation
Speaker 1: and I could be with our seven teen year old
Speaker 1: daughter in in Times Square in a hotel, screaming, crying
Speaker 1: at her that she has to stay here. And I said,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, it's that strong in me. And he
Speaker 1: was like, okay, but you will marry me if I asked,
Speaker 1: like he didn't hear any of it. Anyway to work,
Speaker 1: and he was telling one of his friends, and God
Speaker 1: bless her. One of the secretaries who was the wife
Speaker 1: of a friend he was telling overheard and she said
Speaker 1: she was from New Jersey and she said, Mark, you
Speaker 1: can't marry her. She told you she's gonna leave you.
Speaker 1: And he said, well, maybe it'll change. And she said,
Speaker 1: she told you with children she'd leave you. And and
Speaker 1: she said, not a lot of women can say that
Speaker 1: and mean it. If she said that, she will do it.
Speaker 1: And I'm now now, as an older woman, I would
Speaker 1: never leave a baby or a little kid. But at
Speaker 1: the time I couldn't tell you I wouldn't. You knew
Speaker 1: yourself well enough. And now I could tell you I
Speaker 1: absolutely would not. But but not now I wanted, But
Speaker 1: I've lived some life. I've seen things that I hadn't seen.
Speaker 1: Mack then, so um I I. He came home and said,
Speaker 1: you know, I guess I want you to do the best.
Speaker 1: And I lived with his sister here in New Jersey
Speaker 1: for a while. I lived on people's couches, in beds
Speaker 1: and see, you guys, did you break up? We didn't
Speaker 1: break up, We just kind of, you know. He kept
Speaker 1: waiting for me to come back. And his sister called
Speaker 1: one day and said, I would have I got an
Speaker 1: apartment in Chelsea and she said he had a new girlfriend.
Speaker 1: And she said, I never would would have let you
Speaker 1: stay with us if I thought this was going to happen.
Speaker 1: She didn't like the new girlfriend and she and I said, Susan,
Speaker 1: you're not easy. You've never been easy. You know what's
Speaker 1: going on. And she said, I just thought you would
Speaker 1: go back and do what you always wanted to do.
Speaker 1: Two guys. It was so funny how people think they
Speaker 1: know what you want to do. I said, oh, what
Speaker 1: by all means? And tell me what I wanted? And
Speaker 1: I wanted to do this is fun? And she said,
Speaker 1: you want to be a teacher of course, because I
Speaker 1: have a master's. A second theory ed and I said, okay,
Speaker 1: I do. What kind of teacher and what would I
Speaker 1: be a good one? And and I said, as Susan
Speaker 1: no no. I said, first of all, stop feeling guilty,
Speaker 1: because I wouldn't have left if you didn't give me
Speaker 1: a place to stay. I might have been in danger,
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed at
Speaker 1: the Y m c A or something like that. And
Speaker 1: she said really h And I said, secondly, your brother's weak.
Speaker 1: He's sweet, he's funny, he's handsome, he's kind, but he's weak.
Speaker 1: And this woman who he loves, he said two women
Speaker 1: leave him, has said you better be nice because she's strong. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and she will win. You won't and you won't see
Speaker 1: him for any Christmases or any anything. And she got
Speaker 1: real mad at me. And I said, you're a wonderful lady,
Speaker 1: but you're a hard woman. I suggest you try and
Speaker 1: soften up where this lady is concerned. And she said
Speaker 1: why would you stand up for her? And I said,
Speaker 1: because I love him and I want him to be Okay,
Speaker 1: So and I talked the person I'm really not but
Speaker 1: I talked to him every night. I would back then
Speaker 1: talked to him every now and then, and ironically, and
Speaker 1: the story my career, My career took off. I got
Speaker 1: my my first UH deal and I was on I
Speaker 1: was on television the night he got married the first time.
Speaker 1: I was on Network TV on November twelve when he
Speaker 1: got married and his sister called me. Um. It was
Speaker 1: really funny because we we we had that talk where
Speaker 1: I told her she was rough or whatever. And then um,
Speaker 1: after that she called to bitch about this girl again
Speaker 1: and thought and thought I would agree, and I said,
Speaker 1: and that's when I told her she was wrong and
Speaker 1: that that she needed to find a common way. And
Speaker 1: she called me back. And because before that's why it's
Speaker 1: fort tell you, was before they got married. I called
Speaker 1: to him. I knew that my my career was starting
Speaker 1: to take off. I got I got a not a
Speaker 1: development deal, but I have gotten a casting deal with NBC,
Speaker 1: and I had auditioned presnel and all this stuff and um,
Speaker 1: and because when I first moved here, I worked a
Speaker 1: part time you know, I worked a day job. And
Speaker 1: how long did it take to get your career taken
Speaker 1: off from when you moved here? About a year damn.
Speaker 1: So it's like you were meant to be here two years.
Speaker 1: I lived here about two years. It took him out
Speaker 1: six months into doing comedy to being seen. Now what
Speaker 1: did your exit? Like? I called them he for lots
Speaker 1: of times he when he would visit or call, he
Speaker 1: would be very upset and say to me, like, you
Speaker 1: didn't really want this because you're not doing anything, You're
Speaker 1: not in place, but God, and I knew I still
Speaker 1: wanted it. I was just trying to survive and make
Speaker 1: a living, so I um, basically what I ended up
Speaker 1: happening was I Uh, I called all them, I'll never
Speaker 1: forget this because I had gotten a deal with NBC,
Speaker 1: was making a lot of money, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get them something really because we'd always said
Speaker 1: we didn'tvite each other's weddings, and of course he can't.
Speaker 1: And I said, I'm going to get him something really
Speaker 1: really good at shows that I'm making money. You know
Speaker 1: it's going to be from Tiffany's And I knew she
Speaker 1: was like a dancer like Vallerae Vallerae Vallerini and Valerie
Speaker 1: Ballerina and and like you know, Cook Belle time to say,
Speaker 1: but nonetheless, she's a trained dancer, and um, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get this ballerina Albot. He wants food and this thing
Speaker 1: for for her and U. Then one day I said
Speaker 1: a prayer on it and it hit me and I
Speaker 1: called them up. Now I'm gonna cry on your show.
Speaker 1: And it's supposed to be funny. I've cried on the
Speaker 1: show many times. And I said, Mark, I thought real
Speaker 1: hard about something what I wanted to get you for
Speaker 1: your wedding. And I called you for a couple of reasons. One,
Speaker 1: I want you to know that the day you getting married,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be on the Late Late Show on NBC.
Speaker 1: And he said, oh that's great. That's when they were
Speaker 1: doing different hosts every week. And I said, And two,
Speaker 1: I said, I'm not going to get you anything. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get something for jin Stop it, dickhead, come here,
Speaker 1: Come here, I said, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: something for Gin. I'm never going to call you again,
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna write you. I'm just gonna leave you alone.
Speaker 1: And I wish she's the best. And I will always
Speaker 1: love you, and I will always check on you, and
Speaker 1: I will think about you the whole day and I
Speaker 1: know how handsome you're gonna be. And he started crying.
Speaker 1: He started crying, and I said, but I'm always in
Speaker 1: your heart and will always be there for you if
Speaker 1: you should need me, but try not to. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: he said that's really sweet line. And we said goodbye.
Speaker 1: And now a couple of months later, his sister called
Speaker 1: bitching about the girlfriend and I said she was a
Speaker 1: wife and she said they're not going to be at
Speaker 1: our house bla blah blah blah. And I said, you know, Susan,
Speaker 1: everyone left him and he's scared and he doesn't want
Speaker 1: this wife to leave. And I said, he will let
Speaker 1: you go. And I know how much he loves you.
Speaker 1: I know at firsthand. So meet meet her halfway. And
Speaker 1: I said, if you love your brother, meet her halfway.
Speaker 1: And she snapped at me and I said, well, I
Speaker 1: love you and i'll talk to you later. I was
Speaker 1: walking my watch Square park and she called me back
Speaker 1: and she said, all right, I'll give you a Christmas
Speaker 1: present and I said what She said, Mark saw you
Speaker 1: on TV and thought you looked beautiful. Oh are you
Speaker 1: guys like? And I thought it was so sweet. Now
Speaker 1: jump ten years like, oh my god, I haven't talked
Speaker 1: to him. I haven't heard you. Really didn't talk to him, ah,
Speaker 1: never called him again, never looked at him on Facebook. Nothing. Um.
Speaker 1: Now smash cut forward. We go to Bonarou Comedy Festival
Speaker 1: in Tennessee and he where Yeah, he was still in
Speaker 1: Katville and uh and and he teached his theater at
Speaker 1: that school. And I'm opening for Louis Black and and
Speaker 1: my career is doing really well. I'm this big around them,
Speaker 1: skinny as I can be. Um, at the top of
Speaker 1: my life and career. I've just gotten my stupid tattoo.
Speaker 1: I'm forty years old exactly. And in the car on
Speaker 1: the way to the festival in the crew van they
Speaker 1: take you from the hotel to the to the location
Speaker 1: of the fairgrounds kind of thing. I'm telling everyone this story.
Speaker 1: And there's a guy to doing a documentary on lou
Speaker 1: who's filming everything, and you know, they have amazing swag.
Speaker 1: I'm the whole weekend is just unbelievable. I'm dancing with
Speaker 1: white stripes on stage from meeting all these oh, we're
Speaker 1: hanging out with it. You hang out with everybody, you know,
Speaker 1: like I'm on all the little t vs. Like I'm
Speaker 1: on this big TV right before a print up. The
Speaker 1: police come out and sting and I you know, I
Speaker 1: crawled under the stage and I'm right up front roxy
Speaker 1: and you know, and I'm just as cute as I
Speaker 1: can be and one of the and I'm praying a lot,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden I get with lose girlfriend
Speaker 1: and I'm in a red you have to know this,
Speaker 1: a red suede halter top. That's how skinny I was,
Speaker 1: and shorts and rubber boots and a hempet and like
Speaker 1: sunglasses that I was given, you know from something in
Speaker 1: long blond hair and we go, you know, and and
Speaker 1: the swag was unbelievable. So like we had a really
Speaker 1: expensive ray bands and ship and uh, we go walking
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I see this red hair.
Speaker 1: It was like out of a movie. And I just
Speaker 1: went and the cameras with us doing in the documentary
Speaker 1: and we're we're on the main streets at Bonnaroo. Now,
Speaker 1: like we we have a V I P. Credentials, which
Speaker 1: are people will below you for them at Montare Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they don't have real bathrooms and stuff. We have
Speaker 1: all the real like I mean, we have porter potties,
Speaker 1: but they're nice and we have like little golf carts
Speaker 1: that drive us the venues and stuff. So um, literally
Speaker 1: it's like going to woodstock and being on the in side.
Speaker 1: So um. I look up and I just see him
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, so I whispered
Speaker 1: to lose thing. Girlfriend. That's the guy I was talking about.
Speaker 1: As he's coming towards us and we're standing under like
Speaker 1: a group shower getting our hair wet, like laughing, being hippies, right,
Speaker 1: And he comes over and has me with his best
Speaker 1: friend who had known for years his wife apparently had
Speaker 1: left him. And Mark hugs me and says, you know
Speaker 1: we heard you were here. We're here. I'm direct I directedly.
Speaker 1: We have a tent. And I said, oh my god,
Speaker 1: what are you guys doing? And he's likely he's doing
Speaker 1: this pregnant thing. And I go without missing honestly, I said, oh,
Speaker 1: that sounds like what Lu does and they go, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's almost exactly what the respect says. And I go, oh,
Speaker 1: did you guys see us? And and and Mark just
Speaker 1: smiles and he goes, no, Milan, we could not get tickets.
Speaker 1: And I said, I wish I had known like I
Speaker 1: would have gotten you guys in, you know, like and
Speaker 1: he goes, oh, it's okay because we had like three
Speaker 1: shows and it was over at that point, and I said, well,
Speaker 1: can I come to your show? And Mark was like,
Speaker 1: I'd love you too, you know, And I said, okay,
Speaker 1: because I'm here in like three more days, maybe I
Speaker 1: could come see it. We start talking and he goes, um,
Speaker 1: I said, has your mom? And his mom had passed away,
Speaker 1: and it was like all very sad, kind of talked
Speaker 1: to him in twelve years and he said, I said,
Speaker 1: how Jan and you know, and he said, we have
Speaker 1: a little boy that they named what we would have
Speaker 1: named our little boy what was guess, which was after
Speaker 1: his dad, And we've always talked about it. And he
Speaker 1: showed me his picture and the residents a little blurry,
Speaker 1: although I do remember in a bit of a dirty dancing,
Speaker 1: I carried a watermelon way I said, I have a tattoo.
Speaker 1: That's all I could get out. Well, I have a tattoo,
Speaker 1: and so I have a tattoo. And then we walked
Speaker 1: away and the girl that was at me, losing girlfriend
Speaker 1: who I adored, said to me keep it together, and
Speaker 1: meanwhile the camera got you guys is on. Oh he
Speaker 1: can't switch. Literally like sweat running down his face, like
Speaker 1: like he's amazing, brother, Like what happened the moment he
Speaker 1: got all of it? Holy sh it. Yes, he was
Speaker 1: on the on the van and he heard me and
Speaker 1: he was about it. Oh my god, And you know,
Speaker 1: we kind of just pulled around and did It's a
Speaker 1: documentary mentarian's dream. I mean, if I had become fience,
Speaker 1: but I wasn't. I mean, it's it's it's amazing to
Speaker 1: have just for your own life. Do you have that footage?
Speaker 1: I gotta get it, I know. Yeah. So anyway, the
Speaker 1: end of the story is that I it was so
Speaker 1: the way we were, but I went, I went and
Speaker 1: you know, did my thing, and she and I were
Speaker 1: really funny because walked back and she kept saying, keep
Speaker 1: it together, keep it you did really good, keep it together.
Speaker 1: And we got into the lose bus and I just
Speaker 1: burst into tears, and Louis and everybody, all the merch
Speaker 1: guys were like what the is happening? And they're like,
Speaker 1: She's like, I need your room, low, come on. She
Speaker 1: took me in the back and I just sat there
Speaker 1: and she helped me and I cried, you know, and
Speaker 1: she was like, it's okay, kid. You know you looked
Speaker 1: great and you handled yourself. Well, you're really gracious. While
Speaker 1: I met them that night, there was no one in
Speaker 1: their tent. I was the only one who came to
Speaker 1: their show and my one other person came and I
Speaker 1: laughed and I'm like, it was really funny. And afterwards
Speaker 1: Mark was like, do you want to go with us?
Speaker 1: And we're gonna get a bite tea? And his friendly
Speaker 1: was kind of a dick to me, and I kept thinking, God,
Speaker 1: I used to be friends with Lie and Mickey with
Speaker 1: his wife, and I thought, why is he being not nice?
Speaker 1: But I didn't even care because I was It was
Speaker 1: so surreal and Mark was so algo come here, this, this,
Speaker 1: this is how you're gonna get yourself putting a home.
Speaker 1: So anyway, the end of it was that, um, we
Speaker 1: went got something neat and we go with me to
Speaker 1: get a T shirt and I said, gee, now you
Speaker 1: see I loved him and I said, sure, I'll go
Speaker 1: with you. I think Aldn needs more food. Hold on.
Speaker 1: So the end of this story with Mark was that
Speaker 1: so I met him, I saw the thing. When it
Speaker 1: was over, he said do you want to go with
Speaker 1: us to go get T shirts? I said okay, and
Speaker 1: Lee kind of Lee said, well, I don't know if
Speaker 1: we time to mark Mark without missing and Mark was
Speaker 1: like six six, you know. Mark said we have time,
Speaker 1: come on, and so we walked over to the T
Speaker 1: shirt thing and I remember Lee said I'm in a
Speaker 1: go the bathroom and Mark and I were standing in line,
Speaker 1: and I leaned on him out of nature, you know,
Speaker 1: when you're just so comfortable with somebody and it comes
Speaker 1: back in a second, and I jumped and I said,
Speaker 1: oh my god, that was very inappropriate. I'm really sorry,
Speaker 1: and he said he looked at me and he said,
Speaker 1: oh good god. If you think that that was the
Speaker 1: most inappropriate, he goes, that was it was nothing, because
Speaker 1: I haven't talked to you in about twelve years. You've
Speaker 1: been nothing but respectful to my wife and my child
Speaker 1: and me. And he said, um, listen. It turns out
Speaker 1: that Lee's wife was in a chat room and apparently
Speaker 1: she was doing S and M and stuff. So he's
Speaker 1: so angry with women in general. It's not you, and
Speaker 1: he said, and as far as leaning at me, he goes,
Speaker 1: it felt natural to me too, and he said, and
Speaker 1: he goes, it's no big deal and he said, thanks Mark,
Speaker 1: I appreciate it. And he goes, let's pick out a
Speaker 1: T shirt and I said, well, I like that one,
Speaker 1: now one you get one for Jen and the baby
Speaker 1: and he said yes. He goes, no, I want the
Speaker 1: concert tea please, and I need it in the toddler
Speaker 1: and I need uh the small for his wife and
Speaker 1: extra art and the guy said okay, And I said, well,
Speaker 1: what do you have me come over here for if
Speaker 1: you knew which one you wanted? And he goes turn
Speaker 1: it around and looked twelve down and my name was
Speaker 1: on it, and I said, oh, thanks, And he said,
Speaker 1: so I guess you really did have a purpose for
Speaker 1: going away and I said yeah. And I said, and
Speaker 1: I guess you were supposed to stay and he said yeah.
Speaker 1: And then stupidly came back and he was angry and
Speaker 1: said we have to go now. I got pee on
Speaker 1: my pants or something. And Mark said, well, we'll walk
Speaker 1: him back. And he said, but we were in the
Speaker 1: total opposite direction. He said, I just told you we're
Speaker 1: going to walk her back. And he walked me back
Speaker 1: and we exchanged phone numbers and I said, we hang
Speaker 1: out tomorrow. It was just like in the way we
Speaker 1: were we both knew we were not going to see
Speaker 1: each other again. And he went to hug me goodbye,
Speaker 1: and he whispered in my ear, you look more beautiful
Speaker 1: than ever, oh Jesus, And then God, bless good luck.
Speaker 1: Have you talked to him since that? Know what? Of
Speaker 1: course not? You can't leave it. We've sent one or
Speaker 1: two facebooks on his main page where his wife can
Speaker 1: see it. Yeah, And and then really just like I
Speaker 1: think I liked a couple of his things. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: then um, so you can see what he's doing. You
Speaker 1: can see pieces of his life. But I can't do I.
Speaker 1: I don't do it often, and it gets me sad.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's like, seems like the right? Can we here?
Speaker 1: And then um? And then Lee called me years ago
Speaker 1: and asked me, did I want to do a tape
Speaker 1: for Mark for his sixtieth birthday he was doing for
Speaker 1: a bunch of people. And I said sure, And then
Speaker 1: I thought about it and I said, how would I
Speaker 1: want to be treated? And I thought, even though his
Speaker 1: wife and here really close, I thought, it's just not appropriate.
Speaker 1: So I just never called him back, and I never
Speaker 1: did it, but I did on his birthday say happy
Speaker 1: birthday in my head, but he probably was like thanks. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean I think, yeah, he'll always be that special
Speaker 1: kind of dude. It's funny to me because aren't crazy
Speaker 1: with men all the time. Yeah, but I'll chase a cab. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll blow your phone up. Someone hung up on me
Speaker 1: once and I flew to Virginia. That was back in
Speaker 1: the day. I don't have that kind of energy or
Speaker 1: money now, but I was like, it was worth it
Speaker 1: just to watch him flinch when he opened the door.
Speaker 1: I was like, what do you funk? Is wrong with you?
Speaker 1: I don't live in Peru in n in seven hours,
Speaker 1: so funk yourself. Don't hang up on me again. But
Speaker 1: but now I realized as I lived back that the
Speaker 1: ones I really loved I never did that to. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was just an outlive. Men have been an outlet
Speaker 1: for crazy for me for so long. That's interesting. I
Speaker 1: think a lot of women feel similarly like I. There's
Speaker 1: people that I kind of wanted to just be crazy
Speaker 1: with and two and that's what that was. And then
Speaker 1: there were loves that were like beautiful and heartfelt. But
Speaker 1: I don't know something but I've never I'm not like
Speaker 1: that with my career. Like I won't burn bridges in
Speaker 1: my career. I won't say ship like. I won't. I
Speaker 1: won't blow up a casting director's phone trying to cry
Speaker 1: out if I got something. I won't. I won't bother
Speaker 1: managitu agents. I'm like the best girlfriend when it comes
Speaker 1: to that stuff, except for with my manager, I will
Speaker 1: get crazy. But that's like, that's like your husband. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, what are you get Yours a person you
Speaker 1: can be the real you around. Well, that's your husband.
Speaker 1: Your agent is someone you fuck. Yeah, you know your agents,
Speaker 1: your agents you have to put on airs a little bit.
Speaker 1: But your manager you can be like, all right, listen,
Speaker 1: this is the real deal. It's weird, though, how women
Speaker 1: like I have gotten so crazy with guys, so fucking crazy.
Speaker 1: I have shown up at guy's apartments when they did
Speaker 1: not want me to. I woke up a whole band Miranda. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's the best story out out. I'm going to do
Speaker 1: it in a minute. Let me get its food. Okay.
Speaker 1: I was dating a guy who was in Miranda land
Speaker 1: Lambert's band. You know, ye met him on my space.
Speaker 1: If that doesn't really that's awesome. It's not food, you
Speaker 1: fucking weirdo, it's flowers. Whit's up with you? I'm talking
Speaker 1: about God naming me curse um. Anyway, So, uh, long
Speaker 1: story short, he lived in Texas. We're both our careers
Speaker 1: were taken off and they were we broke up and
Speaker 1: they were going to be on Letterman and they were
Speaker 1: in New York and he we've broken up. He'd broken
Speaker 1: up with me over the phone. But then it was like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be in New York, so we'll see each
Speaker 1: other block so but then when he got here, he
Speaker 1: ate some diner salmon, Like I fucking stop it. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: what's that one? No, it's fun. Well justin post yes,
Speaker 1: I mean, are right now, you little dick wad you
Speaker 1: like about you could beat a religious and let's still
Speaker 1: call your dog at dick wad. I know, well I
Speaker 1: told you, I'm like Peter, like one of the disciples
Speaker 1: come here and I'm I'm I'm sure Jesus rolled his
Speaker 1: eyes a lot. Then the and they can't put that
Speaker 1: in the Bible. You can't tell me this thind and
Speaker 1: do a couple they like they're gonna write and and
Speaker 1: then he called Matthew a schmucks make a lot more relatable.
Speaker 1: So you have little faith has a big eye roll
Speaker 1: with it. They woke him up in the middle of
Speaker 1: the storm that weren't worried. Are are you John? Are
Speaker 1: you so? Uh? Dinner Samon goes awry? Sign dinner Samon
Speaker 1: goes awry. Um. I met Miranda many times. I met
Speaker 1: her mother, who is the manager of the band. I
Speaker 1: can't remember name right now, miss Barber or something like that.
Speaker 1: And I knew where they were staying, but because we're
Speaker 1: breaking up, I didn't the alias they were under. So
Speaker 1: I'm in the car with another guy that I had dated,
Speaker 1: but it was like a good friend. Help on the phone,
Speaker 1: and he's hilarious, and he just said to me, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? And I said, I'm on my way
Speaker 1: and he goes, yeah, I'm out of this and I'm
Speaker 1: part of this and hung up, and I said, I
Speaker 1: still think it's a really good idea. So I went
Speaker 1: there and she they put her on the phone, the mother,
Speaker 1: I said, go ahead. They were all getting up to
Speaker 1: go and let her minute like five o'clock, so it
Speaker 1: was like seven, they were all going to bed, and
Speaker 1: she got on the phone with me, and I said, listen,
Speaker 1: Miranda has a song called crazy Ex Girlfriend. I said,
Speaker 1: you and I both know, Miss Robert, your daughter wrote
Speaker 1: a song that fits all of this very well. This
Speaker 1: could be embarrassing to me, but it's not. And I'll
Speaker 1: tell you why. Because Alex promised me we would talk
Speaker 1: when he got in here. He's avoided me all day.
Speaker 1: I know he's ill, but I do think I deserve
Speaker 1: a face to face. He'll be down in the lobby
Speaker 1: in ten minutes, Darling, Hell yeah, Barbara, and he the
Speaker 1: doors opened, the all of it, and once again I
Speaker 1: saw him flinch, and he said, what's going on? And
Speaker 1: went outside. I went in my purse and he flinched again,
Speaker 1: and I said, what do you think I was gonna?
Speaker 1: He said, I think you might have a gun. I'm oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh. And this is when I learned girls don't
Speaker 1: ever say to him. Man, if I wanted you shot,
Speaker 1: you'd have been shot off. So um. Then he got
Speaker 1: scared and that was it. And then three months later,
Speaker 1: I'm dating someone else. I'm on another TV show. It's
Speaker 1: failed now, but most of them have been. I don't know.
Speaker 1: That's how TV works. Whatever, and down okay and go again.
Speaker 1: Um anyway, he uh we we. He called me and
Speaker 1: he was seeing buddy and I was seeing somebody and
Speaker 1: he said, we're in town on the view or something.
Speaker 1: He said, we have tomorrow night off. Do you want
Speaker 1: to get some dinner? So I said, okay. We went
Speaker 1: to uh Chinatown and we're sitting in a little Italy
Speaker 1: actually and eating dinner. And after dinner, I said, Alice,
Speaker 1: I have to ask, because I have to say I've
Speaker 1: acted a little nutty here and there with men, but
Speaker 1: even I have to admit what I did with Waking
Speaker 1: the band that was crazy. And I kept you on
Speaker 1: the phone for ear bleeding amounts of time before you
Speaker 1: were going on stage in front of you know, hundreds
Speaker 1: of thousands of people, like, you know, why would you
Speaker 1: call me? And now he had a baby mama and
Speaker 1: a baby had a girlfriend, but he also had like
Speaker 1: a baby mama and a brand new baby, and he said, well,
Speaker 1: you were crazy, but you were crazy to you like
Speaker 1: you hurt you if you're crazy. Then I met someone
Speaker 1: who wanted to hurt me with her crazy, and you're
Speaker 1: crazy just didn't seem that bad. And then he said,
Speaker 1: I said, well what about this girl, Now what do
Speaker 1: you think of her? And uh? And I heard y'all
Speaker 1: have a lot of people listen to your podcast. Hopefully
Speaker 1: she does not. But he did say, um, and he
Speaker 1: has very he's cute, many a weak chin, and you know,
Speaker 1: not as cute as what I have been dating prior
Speaker 1: to that. And he I threw something it out though,
Speaker 1: just now for people listening. So I said to him, Um,
Speaker 1: what's she like? And he said, well, you know, my
Speaker 1: daughter's mother's weirdly insanely beautiful. And I dated and you
Speaker 1: know back in the day if you look at all pictures,
Speaker 1: I as a looker for about fifteen minutes and beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah for forty eight. I'm okay, but can I show
Speaker 1: you beautiful out to go? Like? I have a friend
Speaker 1: who's like a how hot you are? Used to know?
Speaker 1: Can you release an album called for forty I've talked
Speaker 1: to so many male communes a book, so can they
Speaker 1: haven't seen me recently? I put on thirty pounds. No,
Speaker 1: it talks recently like to them. No, I'm serious, I'm beautiful,
Speaker 1: but one of these one one of my my mutual
Speaker 1: friends said recently, she's not Debbie because she's going to
Speaker 1: be late. I said this on stage, because man's gonna
Speaker 1: be late because she wants to be dropped dead, drop
Speaker 1: stop traffic beautiful tonight, she said. And I'm like, how
Speaker 1: old is shake? And she goes, I said, unless she
Speaker 1: throws herself in front of a But she's not stopping trafficing?
Speaker 1: What the fund is wrong with her? They don't stop
Speaker 1: traffic at forty nine with your looks? I mean, what
Speaker 1: a fucking idiot. I want to ask one more thing
Speaker 1: and then we'll wrap, because can I tell the end
Speaker 1: of the yea? So he goes, well that you know,
Speaker 1: my daughter's mother was very, very beautiful, and you were
Speaker 1: very beautiful. And he goes, and this girl, she loves
Speaker 1: me a lot, but she's just have you ever dated
Speaker 1: someone just just not as good looking as what you?
Speaker 1: And I said, yeah, pizza ship and he married her
Speaker 1: so well, so beauty trump. Well no, I mean, I
Speaker 1: will say, if she is listening, God bless her. Because
Speaker 1: he had a thin, long penis like this, like a
Speaker 1: circus pencil. Very weird. That's another thing you had on
Speaker 1: When we're not doing my religious podcast, we should do
Speaker 1: penis is with Lincopa was like just a corner like
Speaker 1: you guys are just having on. Sometimes it's a little
Speaker 1: segment where I'll just talking about the weird penises that
Speaker 1: are out there. What's the weirdest penis you've seen? There
Speaker 1: was definitely an Italian one that it was. It was
Speaker 1: very colorful. It had like the shaft was like it
Speaker 1: was it ombrede. It's hard to get a good bread,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. And then um, I'm trying to think. Oh,
Speaker 1: I definitely dated something. I had really curly, curly pubic
Speaker 1: that were like I had to turn the light out
Speaker 1: because I thought I thought something was wrong, like they
Speaker 1: rewards or something. But they were really tight, curly like
Speaker 1: a Jerry curl, very girl like paius. But oh yeah, nice,
Speaker 1: Well this is good. Yeah, we don't we don't cover
Speaker 1: penis size a lot. So it's good that you handled back.
Speaker 1: And one other thing that we've never really thick one too,
Speaker 1: it's great. I'm gonna diet coke can like a diet
Speaker 1: I had one of those. Yeah, I had one that
Speaker 1: was too big to fit in, and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: gotta go. You just gonna take it slow, like it's
Speaker 1: a bust like slowly packed onto his day and then
Speaker 1: a pause. I've heard your talk about it on stage.
Speaker 1: Are you going, what what what happens? Because I don't
Speaker 1: know what happens to all I hear is women really
Speaker 1: being annoyed by it, upset by in trouble by, But
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. My my friend Pam
Speaker 1: is uh. She calls herself a gyna chiatrist, Dr Pam
Speaker 1: and uh she she talks about how it is basically
Speaker 1: reverse puberty. Oh and for me, my forties to my fifties,
Speaker 1: although he's got to go out, my forties and my
Speaker 1: fifties have really been they've really been middle school of
Speaker 1: middle life. Like I feel like I've been trying to
Speaker 1: find an identity again. I think I go up and
Speaker 1: down and wait. Hormones are emotional and hormonal, and it's
Speaker 1: hard to control it consistently or to consist sometimes. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm going to get your period. I haven't had a
Speaker 1: period in almost eight months. So the first time it
Speaker 1: was four months, and then three months, and now it's
Speaker 1: mounts and then it kind of comes and goes and
Speaker 1: get real big and your metabolism slows down and you
Speaker 1: get hot flash. So you wake up in the middle
Speaker 1: of the night sweating. Really sometimes you can't sleep, like
Speaker 1: last night, I couldn't sleep very well, and and it
Speaker 1: almost sounds like an excuse, but it's really not. Remember
Speaker 1: what you felt like when you went through puberty, hated it.
Speaker 1: It's just like that. It's that intense sometimes and you
Speaker 1: you want to cry and you get upset and then um,
Speaker 1: there's a huge hormonal emotional thing, especially as Aldo its
Speaker 1: face in your face. I mean, I think we're just
Speaker 1: gonna call this episode albums point shut up, albought met Um,
Speaker 1: it's been. It's going on four years now and I
Speaker 1: heard it. It can go on tenth. My god, it's
Speaker 1: gotten where if I go on her change if you're
Speaker 1: gon No, God loves women because because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: You know, we are wired to have people on us.
Speaker 1: And if you're going to live in a high rise,
Speaker 1: you're going to live in a building that that is
Speaker 1: equipped for amazing things. But those amazing things can break
Speaker 1: down and they have bigger problems. You want to live
Speaker 1: in a hut. Your biggest problem is gonna be is
Speaker 1: gonna be The fire is out. That's how guys live. Yeah,
Speaker 1: fires out like fire, fire gone. But with us, it's
Speaker 1: like I have no WiFi. You gotta bring the WiFi guy.
Speaker 1: The WiFi is working, but the electricity is not. But
Speaker 1: the electricity is hooked to the other thing, and the
Speaker 1: hot waters on its own pump, like and we've got
Speaker 1: a million things. Yeah. So, but I'll tell you what
Speaker 1: we are emotionally, but we're emotionally in tune. And for
Speaker 1: as much as I don't love it, and I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't love menopause. It's it's been hard, and it's
Speaker 1: hard in every single way. But what's what's great about
Speaker 1: it is I really get to experience nature the way
Speaker 1: it is that, you know. I mean, I look at
Speaker 1: flowers and they touch me because I'm like, I watched
Speaker 1: this little rose be a little bud, and I watched
Speaker 1: it grow, and now I'm watching it die and I'm
Speaker 1: watching it get near the light and come back again
Speaker 1: a little bit. And that's what happens to us. And
Speaker 1: I don't think men get that joy. We do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good note end on an episode, but not
Speaker 1: in the direction that it took. Yeah, we were to
Speaker 1: leave this apartment better people. Yeah, where can we find
Speaker 1: you on social media? See you? I gotta get better
Speaker 1: about my social media, and now that I met you girls,
Speaker 1: maybe I will. Yes, I'm I'm on Instagram, but I
Speaker 1: didn't learn how to do it, and I'm always nervous.
Speaker 1: I'm going to post something I don't want to post.
Speaker 1: Shut up. I swear. This is a big closer, ilgo,
Speaker 1: Come on, you're gonna run out of And you're at
Speaker 1: the Comedy Seller a lot and has his own Instagram,
Speaker 1: but I barely ever do it. Well, you're gonna need
Speaker 1: to put up a picture for the sounds terrific. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: we'll put him up on Instagram. And I'm funny Linn.
Speaker 1: It's at funny lin on Twitter and it's funny lin
Speaker 1: and I met in just a few minutes. I'm at
Speaker 1: uh at seven thirty actually, But you're always at the
Speaker 1: Comedy Seller in town. I met the Comedy Sound. I
Speaker 1: don't because I stop paying the guy. I was gonna
Speaker 1: say for your tour dates and stuff. I need to
Speaker 1: get it because you've got you guys. Got to see her.
Speaker 1: She's a great. Whenever I'm in town, I meant the
Speaker 1: Comedy Seller. Yeah, and um, and I'm there. I'm there
Speaker 1: a lot. I'm going to be done for two weeks
Speaker 1: and one on a vacation. I'm gonna have people staying
Speaker 1: here with the dog. And then he's so expensive, he
Speaker 1: so much money, and when you act like a dick,
Speaker 1: I'm not your wife. Look how bowl is well? Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, so thank you so much, thank you girl. Guys,
Speaker 1: I'm really this is funny. We love you. I wanna
Speaker 1: I'm gonna listen and to get the cut most of
Speaker 1: it out my under no, oh no, this is all
Speaker 1: going up. Thank you. Yeah, this has been guys. We
Speaker 1: fuck the Anti Sludging Me podcast. We'll talk to you
Speaker 1: next week. Hildo, I love you, good ugger. Okay, because
Speaker 1: the sum you let us old you. Yeah, yeah, thanks
Speaker 1: for listening to guys, we've thought to. This episode was
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