Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a
Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,
Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.
Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning
Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a
Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for Sessions Company, one
Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today's episode it's
Speaker 1: all about being more mindful and intentional in your relationship
Speaker 1: with your partner. For this convert station, I was joined
Speaker 1: by Melissa Doomas. Melissa is a licensed marriage and family
Speaker 1: therapist who specializes in guiding clients through the complexities of
Speaker 1: overcoming emotional and physical trauma and grief and loss. Melissa
Speaker 1: passionately supports women through the everyday stressors of modern womanhood, marriage, pregnancy,
Speaker 1: and life as a new mom. Melissa sees clients through
Speaker 1: her private practice You Help You where she believes that
Speaker 1: a healthy you starts with you making new, healthier choices
Speaker 1: to live your best life. Melissa and I chatted about
Speaker 1: the best ways to be more intentional in your relationship,
Speaker 1: how to fight fair, the importance of apologies and how
Speaker 1: to offer them correctly, and she shared her favorite resources,
Speaker 1: including her book The Love Challenge. If you hear something
Speaker 1: you think others should hear while listening, please be sure
Speaker 1: to share it with us on social media using the
Speaker 1: hashtag tb G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for joining us today, Melissa, thank you for
Speaker 1: having me. I'm very excited to have you here. I
Speaker 1: always like to have a couple of therapists on the show,
Speaker 1: just because they're always like lots of relationship questions and
Speaker 1: the thrived tribe and with people right into me. So
Speaker 1: I'd like to have the express come on to talk
Speaker 1: about like what happens with couples, because I don't do
Speaker 1: couples therapy. So I know that you just came out
Speaker 1: with a book called The Love Challenge, which I love,
Speaker 1: so I got a copy of it for everybody who
Speaker 1: hasn't gotten their copy yet. I gotta sneak peek and
Speaker 1: I really love that it really talks about like how
Speaker 1: to be more intentional in your relationships. So can you
Speaker 1: talk a little bit, Melissa about like how you can
Speaker 1: craft some of these intentional practices in your relationship. Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I think that you know, in our relationships, especially when
Speaker 1: we've been with someone for a while, sometimes we get
Speaker 1: on autopilot or we tend to forget all of the
Speaker 1: fun and flirty things that we used to do in
Speaker 1: the beginning, and so it's helpful to just kind of
Speaker 1: have a refresh course, you know, about what those feelings were.
Speaker 1: And I think it's important for us to be intentional
Speaker 1: daily and not just waiting for special moments such as anniversary, birthdays,
Speaker 1: Valentine's say, things of that nature, but just daily, any
Speaker 1: small gestures that we can make in our relationship to
Speaker 1: keep the love growing. And I'm glad you mentioned that
Speaker 1: because I do think sometimes, like when you have been
Speaker 1: in a relationship for a while, people start to get
Speaker 1: really anxious when those quote unquote sparks kind of leave
Speaker 1: right thinking, oh, this must mean that something's going on,
Speaker 1: But really it just could be that you do need
Speaker 1: to be more intentional about maybe connecting with your partner,
Speaker 1: reconnecting with your partner. Absolutely, Sometimes we forget that there
Speaker 1: are things that we can do within our relationship to
Speaker 1: reignite that spark. You know, I think it's common that
Speaker 1: we will look at our spouse or our significant other
Speaker 1: and and look at the things that they're not doing.
Speaker 1: Rather than taking a step back, I can say, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: what's something that I can do to reignite this or
Speaker 1: something that I can do to let my significant other
Speaker 1: know that that I'm still present and that I still
Speaker 1: love him or her just the same. So what do
Speaker 1: you see, Melissa, and some of the barriers that get
Speaker 1: in the way for couples of trying to be more
Speaker 1: intentional with one another. So I will be honest with you,
Speaker 1: Dr Julid. I appreciate my work with couples. I appreciate
Speaker 1: when couples come to see me and they grow in
Speaker 1: their relationship or in their marriage. But the truth is,
Speaker 1: couples therapy is something that chose me. I predominantly work
Speaker 1: with women in my private practice, and women that have
Speaker 1: experienced either recent or past traumas, grief and loss, and
Speaker 1: I work with women in all stages of motherhood and
Speaker 1: quite often in my work with women that have had
Speaker 1: children or women that have been in a relationship for
Speaker 1: a while, things come up such as, you know, the
Speaker 1: relationship isn't the same, the relationship has gotten a little stale,
Speaker 1: and more significantly, when when you know, children get involve
Speaker 1: because as a parent, we spend a lot of time
Speaker 1: taking care of the kids, and you know, by the
Speaker 1: end of the day sometimes we're exhausted. And so I
Speaker 1: wanted to provide the individuals that I see, the women
Speaker 1: and the men and the couple, something that they can
Speaker 1: do to daily to be able to build upon and
Speaker 1: to continue to grow their relationship because we get burned out.
Speaker 1: Would work with dealing with the kids and just the
Speaker 1: day to day task that can take away from us
Speaker 1: being intentional in our relationships. So how do you suggest
Speaker 1: couples make space for them? Like you mentioned, you know,
Speaker 1: we're often doing so many different things. What kinds of
Speaker 1: tips of strategies do you offer for a couple is
Speaker 1: to try to make the time to do that. Oh, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1: Some of the strategies that I recommend is just having
Speaker 1: daily conversation and some of those tips and doing that
Speaker 1: is when you're significant. Other walks through the door put
Speaker 1: your phone down, turn the TV off, and provide them
Speaker 1: with your attention rather with it saying you know, hi,
Speaker 1: how was your day, What were some of the best
Speaker 1: parts of your day? What were some of the challenging
Speaker 1: parts of your day? And just taking a few minutes
Speaker 1: in that moment when they walk in to give them
Speaker 1: your full undivided attention, it can make such a world
Speaker 1: of difference in the dynamics and the relationship and what
Speaker 1: about you know, I think that that can work sometimes
Speaker 1: with um, like if it's just you and your partner.
Speaker 1: But like you mentioned, when kids are involved, you know,
Speaker 1: like who knows when anybody's walking through the door, right,
Speaker 1: Like you have little ones running around, like you just
Speaker 1: you know, I find it hard to kind of just
Speaker 1: keeping attention to everything. So which strategy do you have
Speaker 1: to offer? Like you said, once little ones are involved
Speaker 1: in the picture, Once little ones are involved, I think
Speaker 1: it's important for couples to have scheduled date nights, And
Speaker 1: you would do scheduled date nights that um fit within
Speaker 1: your budget and fit within your lifestyle. At the very minimum,
Speaker 1: I recommend that couples do them at least once a month.
Speaker 1: If it's something that's not in the budget because we
Speaker 1: know once you add children, then you have the added
Speaker 1: cost of childcare. So if it's something that's not in
Speaker 1: the budget, I recommend couples do it after the children
Speaker 1: go to bed, and that date night could be as
Speaker 1: simple as deciding on a movie that you're gonna watch
Speaker 1: together and spend that time cuddling and watching the movie,
Speaker 1: or having dessert together after the kids go to bed,
Speaker 1: or having a game night, you know, playing your favorite
Speaker 1: games together at home once the kids go to bed.
Speaker 1: Some of my favorite things are taught taking that time
Speaker 1: to give each other's undivided attention the children are sleeping,
Speaker 1: or the day is done, your work is done, and
Speaker 1: you get to just sit with each other and just share,
Speaker 1: you know, the desires of your heart, share your goals,
Speaker 1: and and to talk about the things that bring joy
Speaker 1: to the both of you. So those are some of
Speaker 1: the things that that you can do at home. Some
Speaker 1: of the other things that you can do is love notes.
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of love notes. Providing a love note.
Speaker 1: I think you know now we live in an age
Speaker 1: where technology is all around us and it's not going anywhere,
Speaker 1: if anything, it's just advancing more so taking a moment
Speaker 1: just to write your love one a love note. Rather
Speaker 1: you're doing it be a pen and paper, a post it,
Speaker 1: you know, something short, sweet and simple that will take
Speaker 1: a few minutes of your time but can bring a
Speaker 1: smile to your significant other's day and change the us
Speaker 1: of their day as well. Yeah, I think back to
Speaker 1: like when you were a kid and you would find
Speaker 1: like a little note in your lunch box from like
Speaker 1: your parents, right like that that would make you really excited,
Speaker 1: and that kind of make time and doesn't wear off
Speaker 1: when we're adults, right like, it's still a nice unexpected
Speaker 1: surprise when you find right, Yes, absolutely, it is a
Speaker 1: nice unexpected surprise. And and as you're talking about, you know,
Speaker 1: getting a note in your lunch box as a kid,
Speaker 1: it just gave me the biggest smile, the biggest cheese
Speaker 1: on my face. And so yeah, if you are you know,
Speaker 1: packing your significant others lunch at night or in the morning,
Speaker 1: or sending them along their day, you can put a
Speaker 1: note in their work bag. You can put it in
Speaker 1: an unexpected spot where they can find it, and you
Speaker 1: can bring a smile to their day to let them
Speaker 1: know you're you're thinking about them and you did one
Speaker 1: small thing to invest into your relationship that can go
Speaker 1: a long way. So something else that you stressed in
Speaker 1: your book, Melissa, was the importance of physical touch. Can
Speaker 1: you talk more about why that's important? Right? Absolutely, I
Speaker 1: believe that physical touch gives us an opportunity to reconnect.
Speaker 1: You know, we may spend a lot of time throughout
Speaker 1: our day and in the absence of our significant other,
Speaker 1: whether it's because we're at work, or they're at work,
Speaker 1: or we're just busy. So providing physical touch just gives
Speaker 1: you time to reconnect without using any words. Rather, that's
Speaker 1: the two of you driving in the car and you're
Speaker 1: reaching over and touching your significant other's hand or shoulder
Speaker 1: or arm, just to let them know that you know,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking of you, I'm here with you, I love you,
Speaker 1: I missed you throughout the day. There's so much to
Speaker 1: be said in physical connection without speaking any words. And
Speaker 1: sometimes that physical touch can be a hug, it can
Speaker 1: be a kiss at the beginning or the end of
Speaker 1: the day, anything that brings the two of you together
Speaker 1: physically so that you can feel each other's nonverbal behavior
Speaker 1: and share so much in that moment. Yeah, and I
Speaker 1: really love that you emphasize the fact that this doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be central, right, Like, in all of the
Speaker 1: examples you just offered, they weren't necessarily sexual. And I
Speaker 1: think sometimes when we think about physical touch, we assume
Speaker 1: that that means that that will lead to sex, right,
Speaker 1: and it definitely could. But what you're saying is that
Speaker 1: the importance of just kind of touching on a basic
Speaker 1: level is important in a relationship, right, absolutely, And and
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of UM for play is all
Speaker 1: day long, and you know that that may need to
Speaker 1: be my next book. You know, sex is huge, and
Speaker 1: sex it can be important in a relationship, especially if
Speaker 1: physical touch or physical connection is your loved ones love language. UM. However,
Speaker 1: I believe that there are small things that we can
Speaker 1: do throughout our day to prepare for sex if you're
Speaker 1: having sex in your relationship. And another reason why I
Speaker 1: left sex out is because the truth is I work
Speaker 1: with couples who are engaged, and I work with individuals
Speaker 1: who are in relationships and they're abstaining until marriage, and
Speaker 1: so I want them to know that there are ways
Speaker 1: that they can connect with their significant other, um, boyfriend, girlfriend,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and it not have to be
Speaker 1: physical or sexual, I should say it does not have
Speaker 1: to be sexual, right, right, So there's something else that
Speaker 1: really enjoyed. And I had to chuckle it myself because
Speaker 1: one of your chapters UM talked about the importance of
Speaker 1: like offering a correct apology, UM, and you ask people
Speaker 1: to raise their hand if they had trouble with apologies.
Speaker 1: I had to silently raise my hand also, UM. But
Speaker 1: we'll talk to me about like the importance of apologies
Speaker 1: and the correct way to apologize. Yes, absolutely, and and
Speaker 1: Dr Joy, I'm raising my hand right there with you
Speaker 1: offering offering an apolology. It's not easy for all of us,
Speaker 1: you know, it can be happened. I think when we're
Speaker 1: offering an apology, there's a lot of things happening there.
Speaker 1: It's putting us in a place of vulnerability. It's putting
Speaker 1: us in a place where we're having to admit to wrong.
Speaker 1: It's putting us in a place where we're having to
Speaker 1: admit or to look at our own behavior and how
Speaker 1: our behavior UM is impacting those around us. So there's
Speaker 1: so many layers to it, and it definitely requires a
Speaker 1: certain amount of awareness or willingness to be that aware
Speaker 1: and then so once we recognize that any we see
Speaker 1: that we need to go back and apologize. It's important
Speaker 1: to do it from a meaningful heart place and not
Speaker 1: just okay, i'm sorry, you know, with attitude or or
Speaker 1: with gripe. You know that doesn't feel good. And so
Speaker 1: I think a proper apology means that you have really
Speaker 1: identified what it is that you did or said wrong,
Speaker 1: and you are apologizing for it, and then you're making
Speaker 1: a commitment to not do it again, which is tough
Speaker 1: because if it's something of habit, you know, or something
Speaker 1: that's happening impulsively, you know there are the chances that
Speaker 1: it may happen again. But you're making a commitment to
Speaker 1: not do it again and to it into the very
Speaker 1: least try your best to not do it again. So
Speaker 1: that takes you back to being mindful. That takes you
Speaker 1: back to being mindful of your own behavior when you're
Speaker 1: now committing to not doing that thing or saying that
Speaker 1: thing again. And then now you're asking for forgiveness, and
Speaker 1: you're asking for forgiveness so that you know is your
Speaker 1: apology well received, is it being accepted? Um? What if
Speaker 1: it's something that like your partner has done before here,
Speaker 1: and so you know, they're apologizing again and they ask
Speaker 1: do you forgive them? But the forgiveness may be kind
Speaker 1: of hesitant at this point, right because now you've done
Speaker 1: this more than once, right, absolutely, And I think that
Speaker 1: is a place to to discuss, to discuss within their relationship,
Speaker 1: to discuss with their therapists if they have one. I
Speaker 1: think that's important to even bring up, you know, and
Speaker 1: saying hey, babe, I hear you. However, this isn't the
Speaker 1: first time this has happened, so let's talk about preventing
Speaker 1: this from happening in the future. And if your partner
Speaker 1: is not ready to forgive you, I think that you
Speaker 1: have to be okay with that. You have to allow
Speaker 1: them space and time to process on their own and
Speaker 1: to forgive when they're ready. We apologize, doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: we're automatically forgiven, got it. I'm glad you said that
Speaker 1: because I think I was a little confused there. Um,
Speaker 1: And I do think it's important to talk about. You know,
Speaker 1: just because somebody apologizes doesn't mean that you have to
Speaker 1: automatically forgive them. It may take them some time to
Speaker 1: get to a space where they can forgive, right, absolutely, Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad you brought that up to because that
Speaker 1: definitely needs clarification. And I actually recently wrote an article
Speaker 1: about when you know some of the top few times
Speaker 1: when it's not okay to accept an apology, so I
Speaker 1: can share that article with you as well. Can we
Speaker 1: hear some of winners sometimes where you're not okay to
Speaker 1: the accept apology. Yeah, absolutely so. Some of the times
Speaker 1: when it's not okay to an accepted apology is when
Speaker 1: the person is doing it over and over again and
Speaker 1: not making any means to change their behavior, so now
Speaker 1: the apology becomes more routine than a heart felt something
Speaker 1: that they're looking to change their actions or their words.
Speaker 1: When you're not ready to an accept an apology. When
Speaker 1: we accept an apology, it's for us, you know, to
Speaker 1: release those things within ourselves. It's not for the other person.
Speaker 1: So when we're not ready, it's okay to say, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm not ready. Rather we still have some
Speaker 1: work within to be done, or we're not ready to
Speaker 1: hear it. I think that's okay too. So those were
Speaker 1: some of the top two reasons. And another time is
Speaker 1: when they pology does not feel genuine. Again, going back
Speaker 1: to when it just feels like routine, when it just
Speaker 1: feels like something that someone has said. But if you
Speaker 1: and your heart of hearts do not feel genuine, then
Speaker 1: it's okay to not accept it or to not be
Speaker 1: ready to accept it. And I hope that people hear
Speaker 1: that right, because I think sometimes arguments or disagreements can
Speaker 1: escalate when somebody like apologizes and they feel like they
Speaker 1: should be forgiven, and then they feel either rejected or
Speaker 1: feel whatever they feel because the apology is not immediately accepted. Right, absolutely, absolutely,
Speaker 1: and it's okay to say that. You know, it's okay
Speaker 1: to say I hear you, I appreciate you making the
Speaker 1: effort to apologize, but I'm not ready to accept it.
Speaker 1: I still have some work or some things I want
Speaker 1: to work on, and I will get back to you
Speaker 1: when i'm ready. So related to this topic, I also
Speaker 1: want to make sure that we spend some time talking
Speaker 1: about how to fight fair, because of course that comes
Speaker 1: up with couples. I mean, they're not You're not always
Speaker 1: going to agree on everything, but there are some ways
Speaker 1: that you can fight more fair, and you know, trying
Speaker 1: to have a better discussion about something that you don't
Speaker 1: agree with. So you listed out several different ways that
Speaker 1: are not fighting fair. Can you talk about some of
Speaker 1: those things that get in the way of us actually
Speaker 1: fighting fair? Right? Absolutely, So, I think that we all
Speaker 1: have a way that we resolve conflict, and sometimes that
Speaker 1: way that we resolve conflict isn't the healthiest And many
Speaker 1: times we're not even aware that we're doing it. It's
Speaker 1: just something that we've learned or that we have gotten
Speaker 1: comfortable with. So some of the ways of fighting fair,
Speaker 1: um that I see commonly in practices. One that's called
Speaker 1: brown bagging, which is you get upset with your partner
Speaker 1: about something they did, but then when you address it
Speaker 1: with them, you bring up everything including the kitchen sink
Speaker 1: that they did that you weren't happy with, rather than
Speaker 1: focusing on that one thing that they did in this moment.
Speaker 1: And so that seems to be a very common thing.
Speaker 1: You know, getting upset about point A, but now you're
Speaker 1: bringing up point A, B, C, D, and F. And
Speaker 1: I think it's important to focus on on that one
Speaker 1: thing that's happening in the moment and addressing that. And
Speaker 1: especially when let's say, for example, you're upset about point
Speaker 1: A and you've already addressed B and C. But now
Speaker 1: we're talking about B and C again. That can be
Speaker 1: kind of confusing in a relationship and it feels like
Speaker 1: the fight quote, it just continues rather than being resolved.
Speaker 1: Another one is blaming, which is very common. Oftentimes we get,
Speaker 1: you know, defensive when our significant others or someone we
Speaker 1: know may bring things to our attention, and rather than
Speaker 1: seeing our side in it, we get defensive and we
Speaker 1: start to blame, or we start to make statements that
Speaker 1: say things like, well, what about that time when you
Speaker 1: did or what about that time when this happened, rather
Speaker 1: than acknowledging our part in it, accepting it, and making
Speaker 1: the proper changes to change our behavior. Um Avoiding responsibility
Speaker 1: is i think another common one, rather than you know again,
Speaker 1: which is very similar to blaming. Rather than seeing your
Speaker 1: part in it, you're avoiding how you're responsible or how
Speaker 1: your behavior, how your actions and thoughts our heart in
Speaker 1: this as well. You know, sometimes we forget that we're
Speaker 1: in a relationship. We're not in this relationship alone. There's
Speaker 1: two of us here, and so we're both responsible. We're
Speaker 1: both to blame in some cases, and we need to
Speaker 1: take ownership over that, and the sooner you take ownership
Speaker 1: the sooner you can start to resolve whatever that underlying
Speaker 1: issue is. And so listen, I know that, like you mentioned,
Speaker 1: this often comes from like some long standing pattern. So
Speaker 1: of course who we are as a couple comes from
Speaker 1: who we are as individuals, right, And so a lot
Speaker 1: of whatever our baggage and our history is shows up
Speaker 1: when we are interacting with our partner. So in what
Speaker 1: ways do you work with couples or even individuals to
Speaker 1: help them realize, like, this is what they're doing and
Speaker 1: to start changing this behavior. Right, So one of the
Speaker 1: things that I mentioned in the book as you as
Speaker 1: you said, I give a list of about twenty of them.
Speaker 1: Actually I think there's a little bit a little overtunenty.
Speaker 1: There's about all thirty of them. Was twenty eight of them.
Speaker 1: So I give a list of those, and I asked
Speaker 1: that you identify which one you are. Sometimes we don't
Speaker 1: know it. Sometimes we are doing these things but we
Speaker 1: don't have a name for it, or our partner is
Speaker 1: able to plant it out to us, but we don't
Speaker 1: recognize we do it. So the first thing is to
Speaker 1: recognize it and to acknowledge it and to accept it,
Speaker 1: and then to make a commitment to change. Once I
Speaker 1: helped my clients to identify it. I asked them to, Okay,
Speaker 1: write down all of these things that you were doing
Speaker 1: in your relationship, your way of fighting dirty. Once we
Speaker 1: write them down and the book goes in this too,
Speaker 1: we literally crumble it up and we throw it in
Speaker 1: the trash. Because anything that is not helpful, that is
Speaker 1: not growing you or growing your relationship, needs to be
Speaker 1: tossed in the trash. So we literally throw it in
Speaker 1: a trash, and then we make a commitment to now
Speaker 1: to fight fair and not fighting fair. It boils down
Speaker 1: to having appropriate communication. One of the basic skills that
Speaker 1: I like to teach my couples and individuals is to
Speaker 1: use I statements you know that can make a huge impact,
Speaker 1: and how we share our feelings, how we share our
Speaker 1: thoughts with our significant other or other people around us,
Speaker 1: and how it's received. If I am able to say
Speaker 1: I feel a angry dr joy when when my significant
Speaker 1: other does not listen to me, and if I'm able
Speaker 1: to say that to my significant other using an ice
Speaker 1: statement rather than saying you make me angry when you
Speaker 1: don't listen to me. When we start with you, we
Speaker 1: automatically put the other person, our spouse or our friend,
Speaker 1: whoever we're sharing our feelings with, on defense, and they're
Speaker 1: already thinking, Okay, what did I do wrong? And it
Speaker 1: doesn't really give them a fair chance to hear the
Speaker 1: matters of your heart. So some of the basic things
Speaker 1: would just be starting with an ICE statement, identifying your feelings.
Speaker 1: Once you have an ICE statement and you're able to
Speaker 1: share that, being open to sharing your feelings, being able
Speaker 1: to say I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel slighted,
Speaker 1: you know, whatever those feelings are. And and in the book,
Speaker 1: I give a list of some feelings words because a
Speaker 1: lot of times we get stuck with happy, mad, sad,
Speaker 1: But there's so many other feelings out there that we're
Speaker 1: experiencing and it's important to share that. So something else
Speaker 1: and I really loved about the book, Melissa was um
Speaker 1: the attention paid to not keeping like a list of
Speaker 1: all of the things you know that you feel like
Speaker 1: your partner is not doing and all the things that
Speaker 1: you are doing. Um. And I think that that's so common.
Speaker 1: Why do you think we get into like this list
Speaker 1: building kind of activity. That's a great question, you know,
Speaker 1: And I laugh because it is common it is common,
Speaker 1: you know that I see in my work with couples.
Speaker 1: I see it in my own life, you know, rather
Speaker 1: it's with friends, family, or me personally. And it's true,
Speaker 1: you know, we we I think it goes back to
Speaker 1: just we're just not paying attention. We're focused on what's
Speaker 1: not happening then rather taking a moment to sit back
Speaker 1: and focus on all the wonderful things that are happening,
Speaker 1: you know, which is also connected to you know, having
Speaker 1: that heart of gratitude, and and when you're living in
Speaker 1: a place or being consistent with your gratitude, you don't
Speaker 1: have time to see what you're missing because you're so
Speaker 1: grateful for all the wonderful things that are happening around you.
Speaker 1: And um, you know, sometimes when we just get tired
Speaker 1: or we get exhausted, or when we don't know how
Speaker 1: to ask for help, we start looking at all the
Speaker 1: things that other people aren't doing or or that they're
Speaker 1: not helping with. Rather than using an ice statement and
Speaker 1: coming around and saying I feel tired, I felt exhausted,
Speaker 1: can you help me with and then fill in the blank,
Speaker 1: or I need help with and then fill in the blank.
Speaker 1: And that feels like it is kind of related to
Speaker 1: something else like you mentioned in the book M Mind Reading. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, because I think sometimes we don't like reach
Speaker 1: out for help or ask very specifically for what we need,
Speaker 1: because we think that our partner should just know, right
Speaker 1: like he should just know that I'm tired, or he
Speaker 1: should just know that I do X y Z as
Speaker 1: as opposed to I'm feeling exhausted. Can you help me
Speaker 1: with whatever? Right right? Absolutely absolutely, And it is important
Speaker 1: to to share that because our partner may not know,
Speaker 1: or our partner, you know, just as us, maybe stuck
Speaker 1: in their own little world, whether it's being on autopilot
Speaker 1: or bogged down with work, that they're not paying attention.
Speaker 1: So bringing it to their attention and being vulnerable and
Speaker 1: asking for help also sends the message that, oh, I
Speaker 1: need the message that your partners should be hearing. I
Speaker 1: need to be a little bit more attentive to my
Speaker 1: significant other. Something's going on and they're asking for help.
Speaker 1: And so I'm hoping that when you know, we go
Speaker 1: to our partner and ask for help, that triggers, you know,
Speaker 1: an alarming them to say, Okay, I'm so caught in
Speaker 1: my own stuff. I didn't notice so are there other
Speaker 1: UM lessons from the book that you feel like are
Speaker 1: really important to pay attention to that you want to
Speaker 1: make sure the audience kind of hear some inside about um.
Speaker 1: Absolutely UM. I think that some of the other messages
Speaker 1: would be random acts of kindness. I think that's extremely important,
Speaker 1: and not just you know, in our life with our partner,
Speaker 1: but in our everyday life. Just finding small things that
Speaker 1: you can do throughout, you know, your day, for your
Speaker 1: significant other, for your household, just to show kindness, just
Speaker 1: to take some of the load off of their plates.
Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to be the same thing every day.
Speaker 1: It could be something different that we're doing. And again,
Speaker 1: you know, I see a relationship, whether it's a friendship,
Speaker 1: a marriage, a professional relationship, I see it as a garden.
Speaker 1: And it's important for us to look at this garden
Speaker 1: and to water it, you know, and whether you're watering
Speaker 1: it with ice statements, whether you're watering it with random
Speaker 1: acts of kindness, whether you're watering it with appropriate communication, apologizing,
Speaker 1: it's important to water it if we wanted to continue
Speaker 1: to grow. In my household, we don't have an automated
Speaker 1: sprinkler system. So on the days that I decide to
Speaker 1: go out and water my grass. I'm literally reminded every day,
Speaker 1: like if I want my grass to grow, I want
Speaker 1: I have to water it. You know, when I look
Speaker 1: at my neighbor's grass and see how plesh and grain
Speaker 1: it is, he's out every day literally with his water
Speaker 1: host watering it. So we have to do the daily
Speaker 1: task of love in order for our love to grow.
Speaker 1: So if we want our love to grow, if we're unhappy,
Speaker 1: we have to look at our role in it and
Speaker 1: what are the things that we can do to grow
Speaker 1: that love, whether it's the love with with our children,
Speaker 1: with our friends, our family, significant others, um colleagues, whatever
Speaker 1: that love is. So I think that's important and looking
Speaker 1: at it as a garden, connect the relationship as a garden.
Speaker 1: We also have to pull the weeds, and that you know,
Speaker 1: could be throwing the things in the trash that aren't helpful,
Speaker 1: getting out there and literally on your knees and pulling
Speaker 1: those weeds up and then now healing, you know, and
Speaker 1: allowing this place to be a place of growth for
Speaker 1: all the things that we do love. Besides your book,
Speaker 1: are there other resources that you find yourself suggesting over
Speaker 1: and over to like your couples and your singles that
Speaker 1: you're working with. Absolutely, UM, there is a premarital course
Speaker 1: you know here. I'm in Southern California, so there is
Speaker 1: a premarital course here in Southern California that I often
Speaker 1: UM refer my clients too that are coming in and
Speaker 1: in a committed relationship and saying that they're looking to
Speaker 1: marry the person there with, but that they want, you know,
Speaker 1: more information about having a healthy marriage. We do some
Speaker 1: more here, but I also refer them there and if
Speaker 1: they make the choice to do the course, and that's great. UM.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite books is UM is a Five
Speaker 1: Love Languages. I really love that book. I read it
Speaker 1: years ago just for my own personal reference, and once
Speaker 1: I read it, then I started to UM refer it
Speaker 1: to friends, to family, and I started referring it to clients.
Speaker 1: That's a huge UM book. UM. Stephen Covey also has
Speaker 1: some great books out about, you know, building relationships and
Speaker 1: building mantras and building things within us that will help
Speaker 1: us to be better people and how we live our
Speaker 1: relationship and how we grow our families nice. And what
Speaker 1: are your thoughts about premirit accounseling Because I often hear
Speaker 1: people say like, oh, if you have to go to
Speaker 1: accounseling before it starts, then it must be in trouble um.
Speaker 1: I think it's again going back to the garden. I
Speaker 1: think it's important to pull whatever weeds you're identifying. Like
Speaker 1: you we can know like, hey, I want to be
Speaker 1: with this person, but there's just this one thing that
Speaker 1: I would like us to change. There's these two things
Speaker 1: I would like us to change. Then it's important to
Speaker 1: address them. I don't believe that they will just disappear
Speaker 1: and go away, and I don't believe that getting married
Speaker 1: will just solve them, and so it's better to be
Speaker 1: pro act them and to address those things now. And also,
Speaker 1: as you know, Dr Joy, counseling can have risk and benefits.
Speaker 1: And one of the examples that I give to my
Speaker 1: clients about the risk is that you can come in
Speaker 1: thinking that you want to be with this person for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, and once you walk this
Speaker 1: journey together of having therapy as an individual or a couple,
Speaker 1: you may see some things that that that change your mind.
Speaker 1: And that's okay too, because then that's growth that you know,
Speaker 1: maturity and showing like you know what I was going
Speaker 1: to make the decision to live the rest of my
Speaker 1: life with this person. But now that I've had some
Speaker 1: counseling on some issues, I realized this relationship isn't for me,
Speaker 1: or this relationship isn't healthy, And so I think that's
Speaker 1: growth too, and being able to walk away rather than
Speaker 1: going through the wedding, looking up a couple of years
Speaker 1: later and realizing the issues that you have have only
Speaker 1: grown rather than diminished. Very good points, Very good points.
Speaker 1: So where can people find you online? Melissa? Your website
Speaker 1: as well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Awesome? UM.
Speaker 1: So my private practice is you help you, and that's
Speaker 1: the letter you UM. The word help and then the
Speaker 1: word you y o you and you help you UM
Speaker 1: means a healthy you starts with you. I believe that
Speaker 1: it's important for us to first identify. But you know what, Hey,
Speaker 1: there are some things that I need to work on,
Speaker 1: and when we are able to identify that, then we
Speaker 1: can start to make those important changes. So you help
Speaker 1: you UM is my website, You help you dot com.
Speaker 1: My social media handles are the same on all social
Speaker 1: media outlets. That's Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. That's at you
Speaker 1: help you. My name is Melissa dumas uh d u
Speaker 1: m a z Um would be my last name. That's
Speaker 1: where they can find me also, and as far as
Speaker 1: the book, The Love Challenge thirty Days Thirty Ways to
Speaker 1: Increase the Love in your Relationship that can be found
Speaker 1: on Amazon. That can also be found on my website.
Speaker 1: There's a link there to get you to purchase. It
Speaker 1: can also be found in Barnston Nobles, and I'm also
Speaker 1: looking to have it on Eye Books later this month.
Speaker 1: Sounds good. Well, all of that information will be included
Speaker 1: in the show notes, so everybody can find that pretty easily. Awesome.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Dr Joe, Well, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for joining us today, Melisa. I appreciate it. Thank you,
Speaker 1: I appreciate I appreciate being here. Thank you for having me. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful Melissa was able to share her expertise
Speaker 1: with us today. To check out the resources that she
Speaker 1: shared and to learn more about her book and her practice,
Speaker 1: visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot
Speaker 1: com slash Session seventy one, and please make sure to
Speaker 1: share this episode with two people in your life or
Speaker 1: share your takeaways with us in your I G stories.
Speaker 1: Make sure to use the hashtag tv G in session
Speaker 1: so that we can share them. If you're listening to
Speaker 1: this episode. On August, I have a special treat for
Speaker 1: all of the love Is fans. You can join myself,
Speaker 1: Marlene Francois Madden, Jenny Johnson, and Las Shasta Bell for
Speaker 1: a live on the Couch video session all about Nuri
Speaker 1: and Yasia at a p m Eastern tonight. You can
Speaker 1: register to join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot
Speaker 1: com slash love Is and even if you can't join
Speaker 1: us live, you'll still receive the replay. If you're looking
Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit
Speaker 1: the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com
Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation
Speaker 1: and join a community of other sisters who listen to
Speaker 1: the podcast, join us over in the Thrive tribe at
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure
Speaker 1: you answer the three questions that are asked to gain entry.
Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week,
Speaker 1: and I look forward to continue in this conversation with
Speaker 1: you all real soon. Take good care, Actor pill Doctor
Speaker 1: per Doctor Fioctor doctor doctor,