Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly
Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,
Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.
Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning
Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a
Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session seventy of
Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Our episode today focuses
Speaker 1: on one of my favorite things to discuss, social media
Speaker 1: and how it impacts our mental health. My dad will
Speaker 1: all always tell me, when we were growing up and
Speaker 1: he's a military guiding, you would say, you quote that
Speaker 1: will go over our heads, but now it makes sense.
Speaker 1: You would say things like, you know, to live by
Speaker 1: a man's compliments is to die by the criticism, And
Speaker 1: I think that's what we're doing when we're on these
Speaker 1: social media platforms. But before we dive into the episode,
Speaker 1: I want to share some very important information about our
Speaker 1: sponsor for this week's episode, Black Girls Hell. If you
Speaker 1: heard session fifty nine of the podcast, you'll remember my
Speaker 1: incredible conversation with Sheina Tubs when we discuss some of
Speaker 1: the issues in No Over Border Law of Queen Sugar
Speaker 1: might benefit from addressing in therapy. If you haven't already,
Speaker 1: then I definitely suggest you check it out well. Shena
Speaker 1: is also the creator of Black Girl's Heel, and she's
Speaker 1: preparing to start a twelve week program that may be
Speaker 1: of interest to you if you're struggling with the effects
Speaker 1: of unresolvedihood trauma, battling self doubt and low self esteem,
Speaker 1: have a fear of making decisions or being good enough,
Speaker 1: or if you keep repeating the same mistakes in romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: as well as dating the wrong person. Focused on giving
Speaker 1: women active tools to manage anxiety, fear, symptoms of depression,
Speaker 1: improve boundaries and current toxic relationships with family members and partners,
Speaker 1: and build their self esteem, the twelve week Black Girls
Speaker 1: Heal program focuses on giving practical and actionable skills coupled
Speaker 1: with coaching that women can use in their everyday life
Speaker 1: while healing and reprogramming negative self beliefs from traumatic wounds.
Speaker 1: Sheina is a trauma therapist and coach and design the
Speaker 1: program to start the healing process as you find a
Speaker 1: therapist or to sup limit your current therapy as an
Speaker 1: active skill, resource and community. To kick off the launch,
Speaker 1: Sina will be hosting a free master class on Friday,
Speaker 1: August at six pm Central Standard Time. The title of
Speaker 1: the master class is What's the Ache? Uncovering the impact
Speaker 1: of childhood emotional neglect and Three Steps to Heal. To
Speaker 1: join the master class and be signed up for notifications
Speaker 1: when the doors open, you can register by going to
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash b g H
Speaker 1: Master Class And of course all of this information will
Speaker 1: be in the show notes so you can read more
Speaker 1: about it and register for the class. Now let's get
Speaker 1: back to the episode. For this conversation, I'm joined by
Speaker 1: a very special guest therapist, Dr Audrey Townseil, who is
Speaker 1: a psychologist in Memphis, Tennis and my line sister. Doctor
Speaker 1: Tounsel earned an undergraduate degree in psychology from Xavier University
Speaker 1: of Louisiana and then a master's and doctorate degree and
Speaker 1: clinical psychology at Nova Southeastern University in South Florida. Doctor
Speaker 1: Townsel returned to Tennessee in two thousand and ten to
Speaker 1: become the Director of Psychology at Western Mental Health Institute.
Speaker 1: Shortly after, she began her career with Shelby County Jails
Speaker 1: as the director of Mental Health in two thousand and eleven,
Speaker 1: overseeing mental health services provided to the incarcerated throughout Memphis, Tennessee.
Speaker 1: Inspired by the obvious lack of psychological resources, she established
Speaker 1: chelic Psychological Services to meet the needs of the community
Speaker 1: and to continue educating and attempting to reduce the stigma
Speaker 1: of mental illness. Dr Tounsel and I chatted about how
Speaker 1: social media platforms can impact our self esteem, why the
Speaker 1: comparisons we make between ourselves and others on social media
Speaker 1: aren't entirely accurate, and she shared her favorite tips for
Speaker 1: helping you to have a healthier relationship with social media.
Speaker 1: If you hear something that really strikes a chord with you,
Speaker 1: please share it with us on social media using the
Speaker 1: hashtag tb G in session. Here's our conversation. Well, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for joining us today, Dr Counsel. Thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. I'm very excited to finally get
Speaker 1: you on the podcast. So that we can said about
Speaker 1: all things social media. Um. And of course, you know,
Speaker 1: like lots of different therapists who come on the podcast
Speaker 1: have kind of hinted at the impact that they are
Speaker 1: seeing social media have on their clients. But I definitely
Speaker 1: wanted to talk with you today specifically about how it
Speaker 1: is impacting clients self, because I know you worked without
Speaker 1: a lot with some of your clients, So can you
Speaker 1: tell me more about what you're seeing? Absolutely, But before
Speaker 1: I started, I want to let your audience know how
Speaker 1: proud of you I am, and that this is nothing
Speaker 1: that we didn't imagine that would happened for you. You've
Speaker 1: always been, you know, the voice of reason for all
Speaker 1: of us. So even when I hear your podcast and
Speaker 1: I hear your tone, I was like, she's always been
Speaker 1: like that the twenty years that I've known her, She's
Speaker 1: always been like this. I'm super excited for your success,
Speaker 1: and I would have imagined anything different, no problem. So
Speaker 1: as far as um what I'm seeing in social media
Speaker 1: in regards to my patient population, I first want to
Speaker 1: say that we all have been impacted in some way,
Speaker 1: shape or formed by something on social media. Unless you
Speaker 1: live on a remote island with no Internet accent. We've
Speaker 1: we've all have encountered some type of influence from social media.
Speaker 1: But I think social media doesn't always have to be negative.
Speaker 1: You can find inspiration and motivation from some posts, some
Speaker 1: social media quotes, and even pictures. You know. I know
Speaker 1: a lot of um of my clients use Pinterest to
Speaker 1: find you know, cool do it yourself ideas. I personally,
Speaker 1: you know, follow style Pantry just to you know, see
Speaker 1: some nice fashion tips and inspirations on fashion. So social
Speaker 1: media doesn't always have to be negative. But in regards
Speaker 1: to what I see in therapy, it is, um. I
Speaker 1: hear a majority of my clients report and are showing
Speaker 1: the negative impacts of social media or how they view themselves. Um.
Speaker 1: But first I want to be very very clear by
Speaker 1: saying social media is not the call of low selfseems,
Speaker 1: but it has the right elements to contribute to it.
Speaker 1: There are plenty of studies out there that correlate depression, anxiety,
Speaker 1: body image issues to the frequency of social media usage.
Speaker 1: But the truth of the matter is this is a
Speaker 1: natural human instinct to judge our progress or our success
Speaker 1: in life on how we see that we match up
Speaker 1: against other people. So much. So there was term coined
Speaker 1: in the nineteen fifty called social comparison theory that really
Speaker 1: labeled this concept of how we view ourselves in comparisons
Speaker 1: to other people. Um, but the truth is, joy, we've
Speaker 1: all done this, right, So if you could think back,
Speaker 1: but when we were in college and we took biology
Speaker 1: exam and we got the grades back, what's the first
Speaker 1: thing that everyone did? Why did you get? Like, well,
Speaker 1: what did you make? And what we were doing we
Speaker 1: were measuring how we stacked up against our peers. But
Speaker 1: the problem that we have with social media comparisons is
Speaker 1: that we're judging ourselves against perfectly crafted, well thought out
Speaker 1: posts and altered images. Right, So in essence, we're creating
Speaker 1: real emotions from false images. People are comparing their realistic
Speaker 1: offline self to our idealistic online sales of other people
Speaker 1: that are purely disk images. And so that's the problem
Speaker 1: that we're seeing with social media alright, Audre, So you
Speaker 1: have given us a whole word just in this first question.
Speaker 1: So I definitely want us to break some of this down, right,
Speaker 1: because I think the first thing you said that really
Speaker 1: stuck out to me was that social media is not
Speaker 1: the real culprat here right, Like, it is not what
Speaker 1: is causing maybe low self esteem or issue with depression,
Speaker 1: but it definitely heavily contributes to what may be happening. Absolutely. Actually,
Speaker 1: if you think about a person who would nified themselves
Speaker 1: with the image that they see online, you have to
Speaker 1: just imagine there are a lot of underlying issues that
Speaker 1: help that person develop a self esteem that they have
Speaker 1: that would cause them to absorb all of those external
Speaker 1: triggers to kind of come up with this image that
Speaker 1: they have with themselves. So it's not social media that's
Speaker 1: causing the most self esteem. Those issues were already fair.
Speaker 1: It contributes to how we expressed ourselves. Yeah, and you
Speaker 1: mentioned a good point. I think thinking about you know too,
Speaker 1: when we were in college, right, because we were kind
Speaker 1: of right on the brink of like everybody getting email
Speaker 1: addresses and stuff, and I don't yeah, I don't think
Speaker 1: we were on Facebook in college. I don't think, uh no,
Speaker 1: thank god, we all we had was I think my
Speaker 1: face had just Yes, you're right, yeah, and so thank
Speaker 1: god we didn't have Facebook. Yes. But I think you
Speaker 1: bring up a good point though, because it's always been there, right,
Speaker 1: It's an actual tendency like you to want to compare
Speaker 1: yourself to your peers to kind of know where do
Speaker 1: you fall in in the group kind of what you know,
Speaker 1: how do you compare to other people? So can you
Speaker 1: talk a little bit more about like what it looked
Speaker 1: like maybe twenty years ago before we had social media
Speaker 1: versus like the way that it looks now. Absolutely, I
Speaker 1: mean we can just use the example that I used
Speaker 1: as far as school, we were able to compare how
Speaker 1: we matched up with our immediate peers. You know, these
Speaker 1: are people that we knew and that we were like
Speaker 1: on this kind of similar playing fields with well, you know,
Speaker 1: similar to that we have a group of peers on
Speaker 1: social media, but a lot of times were not on
Speaker 1: the equal playing grounds, right. So it's almost like people
Speaker 1: who are in entry level jobs are looking at Instagram
Speaker 1: pages or any social media platform of people who have
Speaker 1: been working in the field for twenty plus years. So
Speaker 1: that's an uneven playing field. Um. So that's kind of
Speaker 1: really the dangerous part about social me. You you haven't
Speaker 1: been able to identify your immediate peer group because of
Speaker 1: folks differences, and it's just a lack of information you
Speaker 1: have about the other people. So back in the day,
Speaker 1: you know, we would sit down and say, you know,
Speaker 1: who are you? You know, what classes did you take?
Speaker 1: And you were able to sit down with that person,
Speaker 1: gather information and be able to compare yourself in an
Speaker 1: intimate setting, whereas Facebook there's no real intimate setting and
Speaker 1: being able to identify your peer, but you know are
Speaker 1: I think that's what oftentimes feels very confusing because I
Speaker 1: think and of course there's a lot of psychology behind
Speaker 1: like everything that goes into social media, Like while we
Speaker 1: spent so much go on and like, of course they
Speaker 1: hire people to help us stay on these platforms, right, um,
Speaker 1: a little bit, But I so I do think that
Speaker 1: there is a real sense of intimacy though that feels
Speaker 1: like it is created when you are friends with people,
Speaker 1: or you're kind of seeing people's Instagram stories and they're
Speaker 1: kind of living out their entire days or most of
Speaker 1: their days on Instagram, so you're like following them. So
Speaker 1: I think it does breathe a certain sense of intimacy
Speaker 1: that is not actual. Yeah, I think that's a facess
Speaker 1: of intimacy one because what you're seeing on social media
Speaker 1: is only a movie reel of what they're saying is
Speaker 1: there's a short clip of their entire life. Right, So
Speaker 1: it's just like a movie is we see a movie trailer,
Speaker 1: they're want to show us the most exciting parts of
Speaker 1: that movie, right to draw us into you know, spending
Speaker 1: our money in the movie theater. But they never show
Speaker 1: us the making, the behind the scenes or the making
Speaker 1: of the movie. They never show us the blooper reels.
Speaker 1: They never show us the outtakes or the alternative endings. Right,
Speaker 1: so when we see you know, these uh again highlight
Speaker 1: reels with someone else's life, we feel like we're connected
Speaker 1: to them. But that's not all. That's all, that's not
Speaker 1: that's one moment in that person's entire day, entire life.
Speaker 1: But most importantly, it's what that person wants to present
Speaker 1: to us from their experience. So they have control over
Speaker 1: what we see um how we view them. And so
Speaker 1: it's really not an actual realistic intimate relationship when someone
Speaker 1: is not being authentic and not being open and showing
Speaker 1: you exactly what's going on behind the scene. Right. Very
Speaker 1: good point, because like you mentioned, you know, like if
Speaker 1: we're offline, you're seeing me across multiple days. You know,
Speaker 1: if I've had a bad day and you read it,
Speaker 1: you knew that, and we could talk about it versus. Okay,
Speaker 1: if I decided to share this good day I have
Speaker 1: on social media, then that's the only clip that you're
Speaker 1: really seeing of me exactly. It's it's like the people
Speaker 1: that I see, you know, out in public, and they're
Speaker 1: holding their cameras in the air and then and they're
Speaker 1: taking like fifty shots in there. You know, it's almost
Speaker 1: like they're a photo shoot with their camera phone and
Speaker 1: their turn their head and then trusting to the right angle,
Speaker 1: you know, to get the right light, and then they
Speaker 1: choose which image they want to p then and then
Speaker 1: you see them a week later, they don't have the
Speaker 1: makeup on, hair pullback in the ponytail. That's not the
Speaker 1: person that you saw on social media, right, So what
Speaker 1: does that say about us about the information that we're
Speaker 1: receiving and how we're filtering what people put out for
Speaker 1: us to um get from their experience. So we have
Speaker 1: to be mindful of that. Yes, very good points. So
Speaker 1: how do you start to chip away at some of
Speaker 1: this with your clients? Like where would you even start
Speaker 1: to help them, you know, really understand like the false
Speaker 1: sens of intimacy that's created in the impact that this
Speaker 1: is happening me beyond them. First, I start by, you know,
Speaker 1: just getting the idea of how social media is impacting
Speaker 1: their life. Again, like I said before, social media is
Speaker 1: not the call for There are so many other underlying
Speaker 1: issues that need to be addressed UM in therapy UM
Speaker 1: and social media is just an avenue of getting to
Speaker 1: some of those issues. But the one thing I like
Speaker 1: to you know, work with my clients on is the
Speaker 1: reality of the situation. You know, just just real hardcore
Speaker 1: facts about what we're dealing with right now. So, you know,
Speaker 1: the one thing I work with them on is realizing
Speaker 1: that one there's plenty of happiness, plenty of beauty, and
Speaker 1: plenty of success to go around the world like ten
Speaker 1: times if not more. Um, just because someone post hashtag
Speaker 1: yolo on their pictures doesn't mean that you can yolo too, right,
Speaker 1: So you know, I tell them like, it's it's enough
Speaker 1: of that to go around, So you don't have to
Speaker 1: feel like this because someone else happiness is only limited
Speaker 1: to that person. So just getting them to understand that
Speaker 1: you can if that's what you choose to you can
Speaker 1: also do that as well. But also being aware of
Speaker 1: their energy ship, meaning that when you're on social media
Speaker 1: and you're in a positive movie, but then your energy
Speaker 1: starts to shift in a self critical you know area.
Speaker 1: That's why I really work with them or being aware
Speaker 1: of that type of energy is and then in those
Speaker 1: moments like digging deep inside and asking what is it
Speaker 1: about what I saw? What is it about this moment
Speaker 1: or this experience that's really bothering me and causing me
Speaker 1: to shift my energy? And just like you shifted that
Speaker 1: energy to a self critical space, you have the power
Speaker 1: to shift it that you have the power to shift
Speaker 1: to making that posted inspirational post. So working with that
Speaker 1: with my clients on learning how to take control of
Speaker 1: their thoughts, take control of their energy, and being empowered
Speaker 1: to know that you don't have to stay in the
Speaker 1: space where you're self critical and you're using fuel to
Speaker 1: deceat yourself. But I also work with them on being
Speaker 1: um less reactive and more proactive. So it's reactive when
Speaker 1: you get emotional or when you get self critical, when
Speaker 1: you see a social media post, that's a reaction to
Speaker 1: that trigger. But I use that moment to say, Okay,
Speaker 1: what about that reaction it's causing you to feel this way,
Speaker 1: and what can you do to reach whatever goal that
Speaker 1: you feel that this image represents, so turning it into
Speaker 1: being proactive setting goals actually do? I tell my clients
Speaker 1: all the time. It's always a dream and a dream
Speaker 1: will stay in your head until you write it down
Speaker 1: and put a date on it and did it's a
Speaker 1: goal right? And then when you start writing down steps,
Speaker 1: then it's a plane. So how can we take using
Speaker 1: shifting that energy from being self critical to making an inspiration,
Speaker 1: turning that dream that you have that's fueled by that image,
Speaker 1: turning it into a plan. So that's what we really
Speaker 1: work on, and I challenge a lot of my clients
Speaker 1: by taking the step further. So if you see a post,
Speaker 1: if you see an image on on on a social
Speaker 1: media platform that causes you to shift your energy to
Speaker 1: being self critical, not only can you create your own plan,
Speaker 1: but why not you're positive vibes to that person, then
Speaker 1: positive energy to that person by complimenting them that in
Speaker 1: that person though that they are inspirational, or asking just
Speaker 1: simply you know, how did you get that? I can
Speaker 1: tell you my fitness journey started with a Facebook pope
Speaker 1: to me asking someone how did you get that body,
Speaker 1: you know. So it's simple, that's that it's difficult to
Speaker 1: um be inspired by someone and also the envious of
Speaker 1: that person to the point where yourself defeated. So that
Speaker 1: caused a level of cognitive dissonance within ourselves that it
Speaker 1: is difficult for us to kind of sit in that space.
Speaker 1: So challenging my clients to go a step beyond that
Speaker 1: and making sure you shift that energy in a positive
Speaker 1: way and sim positive vibes to that person. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: it really sounds like doing a lot of kind of
Speaker 1: cognitive behavioral we're kind of you know, like journaling about Okay,
Speaker 1: what was trigger for me when I saw that post?
Speaker 1: You know what kinds of things came up for me?
Speaker 1: Because like you said, you know, the post was only
Speaker 1: the trigger. Whatever it was there was already there even
Speaker 1: before you saw the post, right, And so it's just
Speaker 1: that there is some work to be done in this area,
Speaker 1: and now we need to focus on what that area
Speaker 1: is versus the actual social media Absolutely absolutely, tememorial clients
Speaker 1: um kind of open up. You start to see that
Speaker 1: this is a systemic, kind of chronic problems for them
Speaker 1: for a very long time. It didn't start with them
Speaker 1: getting uh a log into a social media platform. This
Speaker 1: has been going on for quite some time, and so
Speaker 1: just working with them on the route of the problem
Speaker 1: and not just you know, the pedals that we see,
Speaker 1: but really kind of dig indep into really how do
Speaker 1: we resolve this overall issue of self esteem. So one
Speaker 1: of the questions that I asked, so this whole month,
Speaker 1: of course, is Minority Mental Health Awareness Month, and so
Speaker 1: I've been doing a question to day to help people,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of think about the different ways they
Speaker 1: could be mentally will And one of the questions I
Speaker 1: asked last week was how would you describe your relationship
Speaker 1: with social media? And so that gave me some great
Speaker 1: a vision. People had lots of different responses, But one
Speaker 1: thing that I found really interesting was that people have
Speaker 1: different reactions to different platforms. So, you know, love or
Speaker 1: hate Instagram for one thing, or they love or hate
Speaker 1: Twitter for something, or love or hate Facebook for a
Speaker 1: different thing. Have you seen the different platforms kind of
Speaker 1: foster different kinds of feelings and emotions. When you gave
Speaker 1: me this topic, I pulled my clients and I asked them,
Speaker 1: you know, how how do they feel about these particular
Speaker 1: tropics and really I hear um that some people really
Speaker 1: gravitate towards the visual images of Instagram versus you know,
Speaker 1: the commentary of Facebook. Uh. And I think it really
Speaker 1: just depends on the person, you know what, what's your
Speaker 1: personal preference is, um. But not only that, I feel
Speaker 1: like there's so many social media platforms that we have
Speaker 1: to be mindful of their intents. I was so shocked
Speaker 1: to hear, you know, and my client saying I am
Speaker 1: older than I am because I'm really not on a lot.
Speaker 1: I'm on no one social media platform and they told
Speaker 1: me that, you know, they're finding dates on LinkedIn. M hmm,
Speaker 1: I'm and I'm thinking to myself, when did LinkedIn become
Speaker 1: you know, Christian mingle or tender? Like what is going on? Right?
Speaker 1: And so really, any social media platform is really what
Speaker 1: you make it out to be, how you use it,
Speaker 1: and so it can it can come up with you know,
Speaker 1: it can be created for its own antisate purposes, but
Speaker 1: it's really how that individual purpose that person uses that
Speaker 1: platform and you know, how they see themselves in that space. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then you know, in some of the discussions last week,
Speaker 1: it feels like people had the strongest like negative reactions
Speaker 1: to Facebook, like people. And I'm sure it has had
Speaker 1: something to do with like all of the news we've
Speaker 1: been hearing about Facebook, right or related to that big
Speaker 1: news and um, you know, all of the stuff around
Speaker 1: the elections. And I think a lot. I think because
Speaker 1: Facebook is more of a discussion platform, you know, it
Speaker 1: has just bringing a lot of like very tense conversations
Speaker 1: for people, you know, especially since the election, whereas is
Speaker 1: more visual, right, and so you're kind of posting captions,
Speaker 1: but you're not necessarily having a whole bunch of discussion
Speaker 1: on Instagram. So there was a negative emotion related to Facebook. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna take that a step further because I
Speaker 1: was having this debate with with the colleague yesterday. I
Speaker 1: don't think we want to hear what's real. I don't
Speaker 1: think we want to hear someone's true emotions about something
Speaker 1: that there. We want to be happy. We want to
Speaker 1: go on Facebook, Instagram and all these other social media
Speaker 1: platforms to see what they are and what they and
Speaker 1: what we are. We we want this idealistic image of
Speaker 1: the world. And and for example, how many times have
Speaker 1: you read when someone is really you know, emoting or
Speaker 1: you know saying how they really feel about something and say, oh,
Speaker 1: I can't believe they said that. Don't Facebook, but that's
Speaker 1: how that person really felt about that, you know, Or
Speaker 1: when someone puts, you know, something personal on facebooking our responses, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is not the place. Why but why why wouldn't
Speaker 1: it be the place that that's where they choose to
Speaker 1: share that information. We want to only see, you know,
Speaker 1: a person's happy side, so that we have something to
Speaker 1: compare that too. But this is real life. When people
Speaker 1: you see social media platforms to kind of express who
Speaker 1: they are, and with some people who they are is
Speaker 1: not always do it. But we don't want to see that.
Speaker 1: We don't want to hear that. We block them, or
Speaker 1: you know, we screenshot it and say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: look what they did. But that's who that person is.
Speaker 1: So I think that, you know, and I agree, I
Speaker 1: agree with you. People are gravitating away from Facebook for me,
Speaker 1: I think because of their reason and moving more towards
Speaker 1: less commentary, less um social interaction in the way of,
Speaker 1: you know, going back and forth in a conversation versus
Speaker 1: I just want to see pictures and that's all I
Speaker 1: want to see. Hmmm, that's a good point. I hadn't
Speaker 1: considered that. So another thing that I think that has
Speaker 1: kind of been fostered on social media is fomo right,
Speaker 1: like this whole fear of missing out, Like you see
Speaker 1: your friends snapchatting from a party that you didn't get
Speaker 1: in by into and you feel like you're being left out.
Speaker 1: So tell me what are your thoughts about that? Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's real, and I think that it's all again,
Speaker 1: It's always been there, you know, going back to when
Speaker 1: we were younger. You remember when um, what's the show?
Speaker 1: It's a different world without it. We had to make
Speaker 1: sure that we saw it, you know, and your side,
Speaker 1: so that the next day we can go to school
Speaker 1: and we can be a part of the table talking.
Speaker 1: We can say yo, we saw it too right. We
Speaker 1: wanted to be accepted, we wanted to be included, we
Speaker 1: wanted to be validated, so and we wanted to be
Speaker 1: a part of that in crowd. And that's no different,
Speaker 1: you know than what we're seeing now with the social
Speaker 1: media platforms. People want to be included and they want
Speaker 1: to be validated. But again, going back to the danger
Speaker 1: of social media is we don't know our true peer group, right,
Speaker 1: We don't know a lot about the people who we
Speaker 1: want to be in the in crowd with. We don't
Speaker 1: know a lot about their values. We don't know about,
Speaker 1: you know that, their thoughts and their views on the
Speaker 1: world or themselves. Again, this is only just a clip
Speaker 1: of what's going on in their lives. And when we
Speaker 1: want to be in an in crowd of people that
Speaker 1: we don't know, then our views of what's important and
Speaker 1: our mores becomes somewhat cused, because now we're chasing um
Speaker 1: that in crowd and want to be included in that
Speaker 1: in crowd, and want to be validated by that in crowd.
Speaker 1: But again, we really don't know that crap, you know.
Speaker 1: And so it kind of reminds me of what my
Speaker 1: dad would always tell me when we were growing up,
Speaker 1: and he's a military guy, and he would say, quote
Speaker 1: that will go over our heads, but now it makes sense.
Speaker 1: You would say things like, you know, to live by
Speaker 1: a man's compliments is to die by their criticism. And
Speaker 1: I think that's what we're doing when we're on these
Speaker 1: social media platforms, is that we're chasing the like we're
Speaker 1: chasing you know. I even had, you know, a client
Speaker 1: tell me that she counts up the lights and the
Speaker 1: heart and there's a difference between the lights and the hearts.
Speaker 1: And she gave me permission to talk about this, but
Speaker 1: that stood out to me because we're what would happen
Speaker 1: if you don't get a heart or like, how does
Speaker 1: that validate you or or invalidate you in regard to
Speaker 1: being a part of that pure roup, a pure group
Speaker 1: that you know little to nothing but out And so
Speaker 1: that's the scary part about, you know, having to navigate
Speaker 1: social media. How we're using it to validate our sense
Speaker 1: of self and you know, feeling included and involved in
Speaker 1: a peer group again that we don't know anything about. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it definitely you know, and there has been also
Speaker 1: been researched that talks about like you could be having
Speaker 1: a perfectly good time at a party and like enjoying yourself,
Speaker 1: and then you go on Instagram and some of your
Speaker 1: other friends at another party, and then that lessons the
Speaker 1: good time that you're having at your party. Um, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: so it's like even though you were initially having a
Speaker 1: good time, now maybe this party doesn't seem as fun
Speaker 1: because you're not another one. Absolutely, And I use the
Speaker 1: analogy sometimes when you know I have clients to talk about.
Speaker 1: You know, there are reactions to social media post or
Speaker 1: what someone comments on their page. You know, I say, well,
Speaker 1: why don't you call them and give them you a
Speaker 1: social security number? And they looked at me like I'm
Speaker 1: not doing that. I'm like, well, you're not gonna do
Speaker 1: that calling me giving me a bank account number. I'm
Speaker 1: not doing that. Well why wouldn't you because you're giving
Speaker 1: them free rein over how you feel about yourself, which
Speaker 1: is actually more important than you're so security number and
Speaker 1: you know your bank account number. Your self esteem kind
Speaker 1: of drives everything that's important about you. But you give
Speaker 1: them all free access to that. So challenge that you know,
Speaker 1: framal thinking about you give. You're giving them, you know,
Speaker 1: all this access to you or how you feel, on
Speaker 1: how you think, or how you validate yourself. But there
Speaker 1: are some things that you feel are awful limits. But
Speaker 1: why is your self esteem not as valued as other
Speaker 1: parts of your life? I love that analogy order that
Speaker 1: I think is a great way to think about things.
Speaker 1: So the point that I was thinking about earlier you mentioned, um,
Speaker 1: you know, like people will share certain things on social media,
Speaker 1: you know, and people will say like, oh, this is
Speaker 1: not your proper place to share that or you know what,
Speaker 1: why we because this is And I do feel like
Speaker 1: likeeople who have kind of grown up with social media
Speaker 1: being so accessible don't necessarily have the same boundaries around
Speaker 1: like what you're shared online versus not um and so
Speaker 1: in some ways I sometimes see that as like oversharing,
Speaker 1: But I think you're right, like, because it's just what
Speaker 1: they do, that's what they do. UM. But I'm curious
Speaker 1: about your ideas about like what kinds of things do
Speaker 1: feel like oversharing online? Or does nothing feel like that
Speaker 1: to you? Again, according to my clients, I am the
Speaker 1: Grandma of social so um. But you know, I think
Speaker 1: that if it's something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing
Speaker 1: with your family but you share on social media, I
Speaker 1: think you should take a step back and say, you know,
Speaker 1: why do I feel comfortable sharing in this platform and
Speaker 1: not with people who I trust and who you know
Speaker 1: actually know me and actually care about me. So you know,
Speaker 1: you have to you have to question a person's um
Speaker 1: comforts and you know their intentions on doing that. You know,
Speaker 1: what what are they getting to? You know, what are
Speaker 1: they trying to get from sharing this particular information with
Speaker 1: the crowd of people who you don't know their response.
Speaker 1: You know, you can't trust that everyone's intention will be
Speaker 1: good when they're you know, giving you comments on your
Speaker 1: on your social media seats. So I think that's where
Speaker 1: I would start as asking, you know, what about what
Speaker 1: you posted? Did you not feel comfortable sharing with people
Speaker 1: who actually know you and care about you? And so
Speaker 1: I think when it gets to that point when you
Speaker 1: wouldn't share it with your family, but you're shared with
Speaker 1: the group of strangers, and that's something that we can
Speaker 1: kind of talk about a little bit more. You and
Speaker 1: I know plenty of people who have reported sexual assaults
Speaker 1: and sexual molestations or you know, even come out as
Speaker 1: homosexual on social media platforms, and so you know, sometimes
Speaker 1: it's a freeing experience, but you also you know it's
Speaker 1: in the back of your mind, like what was it
Speaker 1: about this platform? Did you feel comfortable not, you know,
Speaker 1: expressing yourself to people who actually know and they're intention
Speaker 1: is to care for you? Right? And I do think
Speaker 1: that again, kind of going back to our conversation about
Speaker 1: like how intimacy is created, I do think that people
Speaker 1: have legitimately formed some very strong relationships with people online, right,
Speaker 1: Like that may even be more supportive than family members.
Speaker 1: I agree, I definitely agree. Everyone's family is not the
Speaker 1: same and so you know, everyone's family may not support
Speaker 1: some of the views that you will post online. Um,
Speaker 1: But again, you still have to think about You have
Speaker 1: to wonder what they're wanting to get from this open
Speaker 1: form of people who don't really know them, right, Because
Speaker 1: I think it's one thing like if you formed a
Speaker 1: connection with people online and then you have like a
Speaker 1: private group that you're shared to vernon Facebook where those
Speaker 1: people will see it, But it's also in some ways
Speaker 1: exposed for people who may not love you in those
Speaker 1: same ways, right, And you're kind of opening to commentary
Speaker 1: from people who you wouldn't have necessarily intended to see
Speaker 1: the post or whatever. And and not only that, being
Speaker 1: an employer, these posts never go away, so you have
Speaker 1: to be mindful of that your your image of how
Speaker 1: you view yourself today may change in the next five years.
Speaker 1: The things that you think about today may not be
Speaker 1: the same tomorrow. You never know. You know, again, I
Speaker 1: am so grateful that we didn't have in college because
Speaker 1: I don't think, um, I would be a psychologist. But
Speaker 1: but but, but that's an example of being mindful of
Speaker 1: what you put out for public consumption and how people
Speaker 1: develop their filter around what you with the information that
Speaker 1: you give them. How they can change throughout, you know,
Speaker 1: throughout the years and all the time. So you have
Speaker 1: to be mindful of that. Yeah, and I do think
Speaker 1: it's important to reiterate that, you know, because we see
Speaker 1: people dig up screenshots of tweets from five years ago, like, oh,
Speaker 1: remember what you saying? You know, So, yeah, it's absolutely
Speaker 1: even when you think you've deleted it, somebody likely has
Speaker 1: the screenshot of it, so you should screen shot. That
Speaker 1: is the enemy, the screen shot. I ever think that
Speaker 1: anything is ever permanently gone exactly. So what are your
Speaker 1: tips and strategies are for how we can set some
Speaker 1: like healthy limits around social media usage. I like to
Speaker 1: have my clients walk away with practical tools that they
Speaker 1: can you you know, not just always sit and talk
Speaker 1: about theo radical concept about you know, social media and
Speaker 1: sealth esteem. But the three most influential practical tool that
Speaker 1: I give them is the first one is limit your
Speaker 1: access and your convenience. So what I mean by that
Speaker 1: is most most people, majority of people have every uh,
Speaker 1: social media account. You know, a log in for every
Speaker 1: social media count they have a Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, um, Instagram, Tumbler.
Speaker 1: But do you need all of them if a majority
Speaker 1: of them are serving the same purpose, why not limited
Speaker 1: to the one that you like the most. So if
Speaker 1: you have one for entertainment and one for professional, you
Speaker 1: just limited to those two and kounter deactivate the others.
Speaker 1: Um that The second part of that is the convenience part.
Speaker 1: A lot of the social media platform has app Delete
Speaker 1: the apps from your phone. If the issue is you're
Speaker 1: being inundated by a lot of um negative comments and
Speaker 1: it's caused me to steal a certain way or even
Speaker 1: images that's causing you to compare yourself to other just
Speaker 1: delete the out from your phone. Because if you have
Speaker 1: to go the long route about going through a search engine,
Speaker 1: typing in the web, the website, typing in your user name,
Speaker 1: the long it takes a lot of fun out of it.
Speaker 1: So you know, take it off your phone and it
Speaker 1: will reduce the frequency and by which you utilize those
Speaker 1: web forms. The second one is set screen time. So
Speaker 1: for all of the parents out there, you know the
Speaker 1: importance of not letting your kids sit in front of
Speaker 1: the TV for eight outs. Right, So you say you
Speaker 1: only get one or two hours a day and that's
Speaker 1: it and you have to do other things to people.
Speaker 1: Duc The same applies to social media platforms. Set screen
Speaker 1: time for yourself. You can set durations, meaning that you're
Speaker 1: not going to use social media platforms any more than
Speaker 1: two hours a day. Right. You can set frequencies only
Speaker 1: get four times or three times a day to look
Speaker 1: at social media. And then you can also set times
Speaker 1: of the day. But I'm only gonna check social media
Speaker 1: doing in my lunch break. So setting your screen time
Speaker 1: is really important. And I also recommend to my clients
Speaker 1: that they refrain from checking social media early in the
Speaker 1: morning and right before they go to bed. And that's
Speaker 1: because you don't want to start your day off being
Speaker 1: innundated with everyone else's clutter, right, and you don't want
Speaker 1: to start your day off in a negative, you know,
Speaker 1: frame of mine. But also you don't want to go
Speaker 1: to sleep that way either. You don't want to go
Speaker 1: to sleep with the comparisons and they the thaws, the
Speaker 1: images of what you wish you could have done. So
Speaker 1: you want to refrain from, you know, checking social media
Speaker 1: early in the morning, before you wake up and late
Speaker 1: at night. You know, I even recommend if you charge
Speaker 1: your phone, don't charge it by your bed, charge it
Speaker 1: in another room. So and even if you wake up
Speaker 1: in the middle of night, you don't feel inclined to
Speaker 1: roll over check your phone and check social media, so
Speaker 1: just take it out of your room put it in
Speaker 1: another room. Um. But lastly, be intentional and purposeful when
Speaker 1: you're choosing social media again, my mind was blown when
Speaker 1: they told me LinkedIn was the new tender completely. So
Speaker 1: if you're intent for a social media platform for entertainment,
Speaker 1: use it for entertainment. If you're intent is to use
Speaker 1: it for professional use, use it for for professional use,
Speaker 1: and try your best not to get them intertwined and
Speaker 1: mix up, because then you won't have, you know, separation
Speaker 1: between your personal life and private life. And if everything
Speaker 1: starts to get muddled together and starts to get really
Speaker 1: confusing and now you don't know which one is which
Speaker 1: are being purposeful and intentional with how you use the
Speaker 1: social media though some great practical strategies. Under your client
Speaker 1: is love that kind of stuff, I would hope, So,
Speaker 1: so tell us where we can find you are g
Speaker 1: what is your website? As well as any social media
Speaker 1: handle where you said you only have one, so probably
Speaker 1: not a lot to where. All right, so my website.
Speaker 1: You can find me on the web at Kalix Psychological
Speaker 1: dot com and that's Kalix c A l y X
Speaker 1: Psychological dot com. Or you can email me at info
Speaker 1: I n f O at kalg Psychological dot com on Facebook.
Speaker 1: On our Facebook candle is Kalix Psychological Services again at
Speaker 1: c A l y X. And if you're in the
Speaker 1: Memphis area, you can call us schedule a consote or
Speaker 1: an appointment on the numbers nine zero one four one
Speaker 1: three eight six six three perfect. And of course all
Speaker 1: of this will be included in the show notes for
Speaker 1: anybody who can't take it down while they're driving or something.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, thank you so much for joining us today,
Speaker 1: r J. I really appreciate it. Oh no, it was
Speaker 1: a pleasure. I'm finally glad that we were able to
Speaker 1: get our schedule, you know, on the same energy wavelength
Speaker 1: that we can schedule this. The talks are really really
Speaker 1: um enjoyed it, and again I'm so so proud of you.
Speaker 1: I'm so thankful Dr Townsel was able to share her
Speaker 1: expertise with us today. You can find more information about
Speaker 1: her practice in the show notes at Therapy for Black
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash seventy And we would also love
Speaker 1: it if you made sure to share this episode with
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Speaker 1: Make sure you answer the three questions that are asked
Speaker 1: to gain entry. Thank y'all so much for joining me
Speaker 1: again this week, and I look forward to continue in
Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,
Speaker 1: actor all oft oft oftt