Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a
Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,
Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.
Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning
Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a
Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session seventy five
Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. A couple of
Speaker 1: weeks ago for our three for Thursday chat, a few
Speaker 1: of you asked me to do an episode about self sabotage,
Speaker 1: and that's what we'll discussing today. What is it, why
Speaker 1: do we do it? And how to stop so? What
Speaker 1: is self sabotage? Self sabotage is the often subconscious behaviors
Speaker 1: and thoughts that get in the way of us achieving
Speaker 1: what we say we actually want. You might also refer
Speaker 1: to it as block in your own blessings. Here are
Speaker 1: a few examples you know that mornings are when you're
Speaker 1: your most productive, but still you stay up late every
Speaker 1: night watching Netflix. Or you've procrastinated and waited for the
Speaker 1: last minute and now you don't have time to thoroughly
Speaker 1: review or have someone else look over that fellowship application,
Speaker 1: or how about this one. You've noticed a pattern where
Speaker 1: you'll date someone pretty heavily for about six months, and
Speaker 1: then right around that six month mark, you realize you
Speaker 1: really don't think you have that much in common. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying, I'm just saying, and I'm sure you have
Speaker 1: your own examples. You know that I want to hear them,
Speaker 1: so share them with us on social media using the
Speaker 1: hashtag TPG and session. So in each of these cases,
Speaker 1: we're in some way working against what we say we
Speaker 1: actually want. Why do we do this? In my experience,
Speaker 1: it appears there are four major reasons why we self sabotage.
Speaker 1: One fear of failure to fear of success. Three we
Speaker 1: don't believe we actually deserve good things, and four imposter syndrome.
Speaker 1: Let's take a look at each of them a little
Speaker 1: more closely. Fear of failure. You know this, this is
Speaker 1: that unshakable worry that I won't actually be successful at
Speaker 1: this thing I'm trying, and so I don't even try
Speaker 1: at all. It tends to happen a lot for people
Speaker 1: who are used to doing well, and so the idea
Speaker 1: that they might not do well as something can sometimes
Speaker 1: leave them paralyzed. Fear of success is fear of failure
Speaker 1: is annoying little brother because in some ways it feels
Speaker 1: pretty ridiculous. You're working really hard at this thing, and
Speaker 1: so of course he wants to be successful. But sometimes,
Speaker 1: and like I said, a lot of this plays out subconsciously.
Speaker 1: When we're not used to operating on a certain level,
Speaker 1: it feels more comfortable to just stay where we are.
Speaker 1: So I love to have closer friendships or more friendships,
Speaker 1: but I've been betrayed by friends in the past, so
Speaker 1: I don't actually do the work to cultivate deeper friendships
Speaker 1: because on some level I expect or I'm afraid I'll
Speaker 1: be hurt again. We don't believe we deserve good things,
Speaker 1: You know how You can be super excited that your
Speaker 1: friends are getting promotions and getting engaged and taking amazing
Speaker 1: trips around the country, but you also feel like these
Speaker 1: things won't happen for you. That's what we're talking about
Speaker 1: here the belief that good things happen to other people
Speaker 1: because they're worthy and they deserve it, but you don't.
Speaker 1: So if you don't believe that you deserve these things,
Speaker 1: then you don't act in accordance with it, and thereby
Speaker 1: your sabotaging yourself. This often comes from a place of trauma,
Speaker 1: maybe some unresolved childhood stuff where your needs weren't met
Speaker 1: or you were told that you were too needy, and
Speaker 1: so you internalize that message and now you act as
Speaker 1: if you don't have needs or desires. And then, finally,
Speaker 1: the imposter syndrome. This is the belief that you're not
Speaker 1: actually smart enough, or well trained enough, or whatever enough
Speaker 1: to be occupying the spaces that you're in, Like somehow
Speaker 1: you're a fraud and you're just playing the role of
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And if you feel like a fraud
Speaker 1: or that you're just playing dress up, it can lead
Speaker 1: to a lot of anxiety and perhaps behaving in ways
Speaker 1: that ultimately undermine your rightful space and whatever this position is.
Speaker 1: So what do we do about it? Here are a
Speaker 1: few tips. The first step, once you become aware that
Speaker 1: this is what's happening, is to acknowledge that it is happening,
Speaker 1: and to be honest with yourself about how you might
Speaker 1: be getting in your own way. Tip number two, try
Speaker 1: to get to the root of what's coming up for you.
Speaker 1: What are you afraid will happen if this thing happens.
Speaker 1: What's the worst thing that will happen if you're successful.
Speaker 1: This is where some journaling can be really helpful in
Speaker 1: making sense of what's happening. Tip number three solicit the
Speaker 1: help of an accountability partner and a therapist. Your accountability
Speaker 1: partner should be someone you give permission to call you
Speaker 1: out when they see you attempting to sabotage again, and
Speaker 1: a therapist can really help you dig into the root
Speaker 1: causes of what's leading to this behavior. If you try
Speaker 1: thinking about it and journaling about it and you can't
Speaker 1: come up with anything, then talking to a therapist just
Speaker 1: might help. Tip number four. Find a mentor or a
Speaker 1: consultant who has walked the path that you're wanting to
Speaker 1: go down and ask lots of questions. Read any books
Speaker 1: that they've written, pay attention to their social media, go
Speaker 1: and hear them speak. All of these things might give
Speaker 1: you some insight to help you feel less afraid of
Speaker 1: taking the next steps. And then tip number five, make
Speaker 1: yourself an outline of what needs to happen for you
Speaker 1: to get to the next level. What small steps can
Speaker 1: you take to get some traction? If you're wanting to
Speaker 1: make new friends, where will you go to find new
Speaker 1: potential friends? If you're ready to start your business, what
Speaker 1: should be the first steps? Making yourself a game plan
Speaker 1: in writing it down and then starting small with steps
Speaker 1: one and two is all you need to commit to
Speaker 1: get things moving. So again, I'm curious to hear about
Speaker 1: what this looks like in your lives. I know many
Speaker 1: of you struggle with this because you ask for this
Speaker 1: topic to be addressed. So tell me what's happening or
Speaker 1: there are particular areas you find yourself sabotaging, What has
Speaker 1: helped you to notice when you're doing it, and what
Speaker 1: has helped you to stop? Let me know on social
Speaker 1: media and make sure to use the hashtag tb G
Speaker 1: in session. I'm sure we'll be having a very extensive
Speaker 1: conversation about this over the Thrive tribe. So if you
Speaker 1: haven't already joined us, then you may want to come
Speaker 1: on and do so. Now you can request a joint
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Tribe and
Speaker 1: make sure to answer the three questions that are asked.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be
Speaker 1: sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to check out
Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls store to grab yourself a
Speaker 1: T shirt or mug and show your love for the podcast.
Speaker 1: You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot
Speaker 1: com slash shop. Thank you all so much for joining
Speaker 1: me again this week, and I look forward to continue
Speaker 1: in this conversation with you all real soon. Take a
Speaker 1: care