Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we
Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information
Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls
Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to
Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to
Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental
Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, welcome to session ten of the
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcast. So we've made it to
Speaker 1: the end of ME in our celebration for Mental Health
Speaker 1: Awareness Month, and we are ending it by talking about
Speaker 1: our relationships with ourselves. And in hindsight, I probably should
Speaker 1: have done this episode as the first episode of ME,
Speaker 1: because our relationship with ourselves is really the basis and
Speaker 1: the foundation for our relationships with everyone else. So today,
Speaker 1: in talking about our relationship with ourselves, we're really going
Speaker 1: to be talking about self esteem and confidence. And our
Speaker 1: self esteem and confidence typically come from things like our
Speaker 1: belief in our ability to solve problems, our ability to
Speaker 1: recognize our inherent talents, the value we add to the
Speaker 1: world simply by existing. It does not come from our
Speaker 1: relationship status or our status as a parent. It doesn't
Speaker 1: come from having the flies closed or the latest handbag,
Speaker 1: or having a cute face or a body. Now, please
Speaker 1: don't get me wrong, there is nothing more beautiful or
Speaker 1: incredible than a sister who has a banging outfit and
Speaker 1: a bad beat to go with it. Right, So please
Speaker 1: don't hear me say that it's not important to um
Speaker 1: have a sense of style and look nice. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that at all. But all of those things, all
Speaker 1: of the fly clothes and the best handbags, really ring
Speaker 1: hollow if the sister who's wearing it is not self
Speaker 1: possessed and really doesn't have a firm grip of who
Speaker 1: they are and really believes in themselves. So where do
Speaker 1: we get the damage to our self esteem? Where do
Speaker 1: those blows at our self esteem and confidence typically come from?
Speaker 1: It comes from things like abuse and abandonment, um different
Speaker 1: kinds of assaults. We may have experienced, invalidation from loved
Speaker 1: ones in our community. All of these things typically will
Speaker 1: chip away at our self esteem and our confidence, and
Speaker 1: it happens really early, so a lot of times we
Speaker 1: can track and trace the damage to our self esteem
Speaker 1: from childhood experiences. So it happens when we only give
Speaker 1: compliments to little girls that they're pretty, but don't also
Speaker 1: mention how smart they are are men and how talented
Speaker 1: they are in other areas. It happens when we continue
Speaker 1: to stay in relationships where partners require us to change
Speaker 1: or shrink in some way to feel loved, or even
Speaker 1: more importantly, it happens when we buy into the belief
Speaker 1: that this is the only way we are worthy of
Speaker 1: a relationship is by changing or shrinking and making ourselves small.
Speaker 1: It also happens when our favorite animated movies show the
Speaker 1: young woman's life being better only once the prince comes
Speaker 1: in to save her. So the night comes riding in
Speaker 1: on his white horse and saves the day, um never
Speaker 1: thinking about how can the princess save herself. So those
Speaker 1: kinds of things in the early messages that we get
Speaker 1: about a woman's ability to kind of show up for
Speaker 1: herself are typically ingrained pretty early, and the damage to
Speaker 1: our self esteem can also happen when others feel like
Speaker 1: they know us best so that they can speak up
Speaker 1: for us, and it diminishes our voice. And when others
Speaker 1: begin to speak over us and feel like they know
Speaker 1: us better than our selves, then we don't learn to
Speaker 1: really kind of tap into our own voice and allow
Speaker 1: that to be heard loudly. So this might be a
Speaker 1: good time to do a quick self check in um,
Speaker 1: a quick self assessment about what your thoughts are about yourself.
Speaker 1: So grab a sheet of paper, and if you want
Speaker 1: to do this after you're completed listening to the podcast,
Speaker 1: that's absolutely okay, But granb a sheet of paper and
Speaker 1: write down all the things you believe about yourself. If
Speaker 1: you were on the outside looking in and you had
Speaker 1: to describe yourself to someone else, what kinds of things
Speaker 1: would you say? So you may want to do a
Speaker 1: first pass at this and just kind of write down
Speaker 1: everything that comes to mind, and then maybe take a
Speaker 1: closer look and a more um, a more calculated look
Speaker 1: at it and see how much of the things that
Speaker 1: you say about yourself or how many of the things
Speaker 1: that you say about yourself may be superficial, do they
Speaker 1: really mean anything when you really kind of you know,
Speaker 1: get down to the core and the basics of who
Speaker 1: you are, what kinds of things do you believe and
Speaker 1: say about yourself? So what can we do to bolster
Speaker 1: our self esteem and our confidence? How can we really
Speaker 1: start to show up for ourselves in the same ways
Speaker 1: that we show up for others. So one of the
Speaker 1: first things I think is really important in establishing self
Speaker 1: esteem and confidence is traveling UM. And this doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be UM, you know, international across the globe kind
Speaker 1: of travel, though all of that is great if you
Speaker 1: can UM. But I think traveling and just getting exposure
Speaker 1: to new experiences really can do a world of good
Speaker 1: for your self esteem and confidence, especially if you are
Speaker 1: traveling internationally to a place that UM, where people don't
Speaker 1: speak the language that you speak. I think that you
Speaker 1: are then forced to kind of stretch out of your
Speaker 1: comfort zone UM and really show up for yourself in
Speaker 1: ways that you typically wouldn't just kind of hanging and
Speaker 1: hanging around in your typical neighborhood. So travel, I think
Speaker 1: is really important for establishing self esteem and confidence. One
Speaker 1: of the second ways I think you can really improve
Speaker 1: self esteem and your confidence is by living alone if
Speaker 1: you can, if this is financially possible, and you are
Speaker 1: in a stage of your life where this is Okay,
Speaker 1: then living alone I think really helps to improve your
Speaker 1: confidence and self esteem as well. UM and again in
Speaker 1: in in someil similar ways to the traveling, you're really
Speaker 1: kind of forced to figure out what you're made of
Speaker 1: when there's not somebody right there to kind of call
Speaker 1: on for help. So, living alone, having to figure out
Speaker 1: all of those adult kinds of decisions, like you know,
Speaker 1: connecting your utilities and um, what happens the first time
Speaker 1: the circuit breaker trips. You know, all of those kinds
Speaker 1: of things, how to call in a repairment to get
Speaker 1: things done. All of those things really improve your confidence.
Speaker 1: The third thing I think that you can do to
Speaker 1: improve your self esteem and confidence is to learn a
Speaker 1: new hobby or take on a new challenging project. So
Speaker 1: this might be learning a new language, or learning how
Speaker 1: to play an instrument you've always been interested in. UM,
Speaker 1: it could be challenging yourself to a budget um this year,
Speaker 1: So do you want do you have new financial goals
Speaker 1: for yourself that you'd like to achieve? Anything that you
Speaker 1: can think of that will stretch yourself and UM allow
Speaker 1: yourself to be successful could be a good way to
Speaker 1: develop and improve your self esteem and your confidence. So
Speaker 1: that might be um maybe like training for a marathon
Speaker 1: or things like that. Anything you can think of that
Speaker 1: would really kind of take you out of your comfort
Speaker 1: zone and allow you to participate in something new you
Speaker 1: then it shows you like, Okay, I really can do
Speaker 1: that thing that I thought was really difficult. The fourth
Speaker 1: thing I think that is really important to think about
Speaker 1: when we're talking about improving self esteem and confidence is
Speaker 1: recognizing possible threats to our self esteem. So things like
Speaker 1: being in grad school or being in work environments or
Speaker 1: other environments that are filled with racism or microaggressions can
Speaker 1: really be a threat to your self esteem because it's
Speaker 1: it starts to make you question yourself and your abilities
Speaker 1: when it's really not about you and more about the
Speaker 1: races or um hostile environment that you may find yourself in.
Speaker 1: So learn to kind of recognize what things are thrust
Speaker 1: to your self esteem and make sure that you realize
Speaker 1: that that is outside of you and not within you.
Speaker 1: A fifth thing that you can do to improve your
Speaker 1: self esteem and confidence is to volunteer. So very few
Speaker 1: things help to kind of make you feel good about
Speaker 1: yourself and the community that you may be in. Then
Speaker 1: giving back it's really important for the community, and it
Speaker 1: typically makes you feel good about yourself. The sixth thing
Speaker 1: that you can do is to deepen or develop new
Speaker 1: spirituality or faith practices. So if you have a faith background,
Speaker 1: or this is something that you feel like would be
Speaker 1: really important, then I encourage you to explore what kinds
Speaker 1: of things feel good to you. UM. And this may
Speaker 1: not necessarily be either faith or spiritual background that you
Speaker 1: were raised in. UM. It sometimes takes you getting a
Speaker 1: little older to realize this is not the best fit
Speaker 1: for me, but something else definitely could be UM And
Speaker 1: I think that you may have to do a little
Speaker 1: bit of exploration to find something that really feels good
Speaker 1: to you. But I think feeling connected to a higher
Speaker 1: power and something that is bigger than you really helps
Speaker 1: you to get some perspective and can help to improve
Speaker 1: your self esteem and confidence. The seventh thing that you
Speaker 1: can do UM to improve self esteem and confidence is
Speaker 1: to engage in some type of journaling or meditation. So
Speaker 1: I think that it's really important that we engage in
Speaker 1: some kind of regular practice, and maybe not daily, but
Speaker 1: regular whatever regular will mean for you, right, UM, something
Speaker 1: that allows us to be quiet and still with our
Speaker 1: thoughts and I know that this may be uncomfortable for
Speaker 1: a lot of people because we are rarely quiet and
Speaker 1: disengage from things right, we always have our phone in
Speaker 1: our hands or something going on. UM. But I think
Speaker 1: that a part of how our voice becomes small or
Speaker 1: lost is by us not really being able to hear
Speaker 1: it over all the other noise in our lives. But
Speaker 1: when we make a practice of regularly making sure that
Speaker 1: we can hear it, then our voice become stronger. So
Speaker 1: taking some regular time to really be quiet and still,
Speaker 1: and this can be journaling, it could be maybe some
Speaker 1: kind of yoga, meditative practice. Whatever, again will feel good
Speaker 1: for you, and sometimes you have to again try a
Speaker 1: couple of different practices to see something that will really
Speaker 1: fit for you. But I definitely encourage you to find
Speaker 1: your thing. And then the final thing that we can
Speaker 1: do to make sure that we are improving our self
Speaker 1: esteem and confidence is making sure that you are finding
Speaker 1: yourself in affirming and validating circles. So this goes back
Speaker 1: to the conversation we had in session six of the
Speaker 1: podcast talking about friends UM. Making sure that the people
Speaker 1: that you spend the most of your time with actually
Speaker 1: are affirming and validating of you. And this may be
Speaker 1: difficult because they may not have been much you could
Speaker 1: do about having an invalidating environment as a child out
Speaker 1: and because of any childhood trauma, you may actually find
Speaker 1: yourself in adult relationships that are also invalidating because it's
Speaker 1: what you know, it's what feels familiar. But I want
Speaker 1: to challenge you to take a look at the people
Speaker 1: that you spend the most time with and to do
Speaker 1: an assessment and to see do those people really celebrate
Speaker 1: and affirm you because of the essence of you or
Speaker 1: is it more about what you can do for them? So,
Speaker 1: the people that you spend the most time with, do
Speaker 1: you feel like they really affirm and celebrate the pure
Speaker 1: essence of you and not just your ability to do
Speaker 1: or care or whatever for them. So another quick assessment
Speaker 1: for you. So, these are some of the issues, um
Speaker 1: that I typically work with with women. And you know,
Speaker 1: a part of my reason for starting for Therapy for
Speaker 1: Black girls was to help us really to get clearer
Speaker 1: and have a better understanding of how these kinds of
Speaker 1: issues pop up in our lives. And so in taking
Speaker 1: that step further, if you are in the Lanta area,
Speaker 1: I am opening enrollment for my summer Shift sessions. My
Speaker 1: shift sessions are my name for group therapy and my practice,
Speaker 1: and they're designed to be small group experiences, ideally six
Speaker 1: to eight people who come together on a weekly basis
Speaker 1: to give each other feedback and support about how we're
Speaker 1: showing up in the world and how we might do
Speaker 1: this differently to be more in touch with who we
Speaker 1: truly want to be and versus who others expect us
Speaker 1: to be. So if you like more information about that,
Speaker 1: or if you already know that this is something you'd
Speaker 1: love to be a part of, then I encourage you
Speaker 1: to take a look at the website. The um destination
Speaker 1: for that is Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash
Speaker 1: shift s H I F T, and you'll be able
Speaker 1: to read more about what the groups are, get a
Speaker 1: better understanding of it, and then sign up if you're
Speaker 1: interested in that will be starting this summer. Okay, So
Speaker 1: this week we also have on the Porch question with
Speaker 1: Dr Joy and this one is all about how to
Speaker 1: get support while you're undergraduate pro ram in counseling. So
Speaker 1: the question states, I am a graduate student in clinical
Speaker 1: psychology and I have a question about self care from
Speaker 1: a therapist perspective, I'm beginning to see that I should
Speaker 1: probably beef up my own mental health resources, especially as
Speaker 1: the demands of school and training increase. I don't really
Speaker 1: feel comfortable utilizing supervision as substitute therapy sessions like many
Speaker 1: of my white colleagues. I also have concerns with seeing
Speaker 1: someone in the community because I'm in a very rural
Speaker 1: area and I may one day have to collaborate with
Speaker 1: these other clinicians. I feel that I have exhausted the
Speaker 1: support of my cohort. Members were all super stressed right now,
Speaker 1: so it's difficult to lean on one another. I'm wondering what,
Speaker 1: if anything, official you do to keep your own issues
Speaker 1: at bay. Also, how would you recommend navigating a relationship
Speaker 1: with the therapist in a small community. I already do
Speaker 1: the basics, i e. Workout when I can, set boundaries
Speaker 1: when necessary, and watch my shows. Thanks so thank you
Speaker 1: so much for writing in, and I definitely want to
Speaker 1: give you some feedback about this. Um So, a couple
Speaker 1: of things that kind of jumped up jumped out at me.
Speaker 1: Um Well, First of all, congratulations on continuing in your program.
Speaker 1: I think that it's really necessary to have more black
Speaker 1: women in the field, so I'm super excited to hear
Speaker 1: that from you and wish you the best with continuing
Speaker 1: your studies. UM. So the first thing that kind of
Speaker 1: really jumped out at me was you talking about how
Speaker 1: your white colleagues use supervision as a substitute therapy session UM.
Speaker 1: And I'm familiar with what you're talking about, although, as
Speaker 1: you've kind of mentioned, UM, that is not appropriate. So
Speaker 1: supervision for counselors who are in training is really an
Speaker 1: opportunity for you to get feedback about, UM how you're
Speaker 1: progressing in your work with clients. And though sometimes some
Speaker 1: of our own stuff does come out in supervision because
Speaker 1: we're human and sometimes our human issues get activated by
Speaker 1: working with clients. So sometimes definitely those kind of things
Speaker 1: will come up in supervision, but it really is not
Speaker 1: the place, UM to get into like a therapeutic kind
Speaker 1: of conversation around those things. UM. So you are right
Speaker 1: in thinking that you should not be using supervision as
Speaker 1: a substitute for therapy UM, and I would encourage you
Speaker 1: to look into video sessions. So a lot of therapists
Speaker 1: UM are providing UM online spaces for you to be
Speaker 1: able to do counseling now so UM, a lot of
Speaker 1: us will use something like skype um so they are
Speaker 1: Hippo compliant platforms that are similar to Skype, but more
Speaker 1: private and more confidential than Skype um, where you can
Speaker 1: talk to a counselor who may be licensed in your state.
Speaker 1: So I would encourage you to look maybe at areas,
Speaker 1: maybe further away from where you're located, to see if
Speaker 1: other therapists in your state are offering online sessions and
Speaker 1: to see if you can sign up with one of
Speaker 1: those people, because I do think that it is important
Speaker 1: if you're in a small area UM to to try
Speaker 1: to find a provider who may be further away, because
Speaker 1: you also never know who might be working with the
Speaker 1: program and who might be coming in for like a
Speaker 1: guest lecture or a supervision position. You just never know.
Speaker 1: So I do think it's cautious if you can, to
Speaker 1: try to seek your own clinical services away from campus
Speaker 1: and away from your immediate community. UM. You also asked,
Speaker 1: what if what do I do to kind of keep
Speaker 1: my own issues at bay UM, So I highly recommend therapy,
Speaker 1: which is what you're seeking, UM, though I don't currently
Speaker 1: have a therapist of my own I have in the
Speaker 1: past and highly encourage that for everybody, but especially people
Speaker 1: who are in the mental health field UM, just because
Speaker 1: I think it's important for you to have a place
Speaker 1: to kind of talk through and make sure you are
Speaker 1: getting good care as you're attempting to care for other people.
Speaker 1: So I encourage you to find someone to work with UM.
Speaker 1: I do also think it's really important to have a
Speaker 1: good group of colleagues that you talk with UM to
Speaker 1: kind of check in about issues, because again, you know,
Speaker 1: some of our human issues can come up as we
Speaker 1: are providing care to other people, and so I think
Speaker 1: having colleagues to talk about to talk with who are
Speaker 1: familiar with what's going on with you UM and familiar
Speaker 1: with the kinds of cases that you may be dealing with,
Speaker 1: could be a good UM strategy for you to be
Speaker 1: able to get some support UM. I understand that you
Speaker 1: may not be able to do that with your cohort
Speaker 1: members now that everybody is stressed with the end of
Speaker 1: the semester and things like that, but you may also
Speaker 1: be able to find that online UM. So I'm a
Speaker 1: member of a lot of different Facebook groups about UM
Speaker 1: that are kind of support for mental health clinicians, and
Speaker 1: though all of them are not UM like a supervision
Speaker 1: based kind of thing, you likely could at least find
Speaker 1: some other people to connect with that would be a
Speaker 1: good opportunity for you to get some support in the field. UM.
Speaker 1: So one of the biggest ones I think is a
Speaker 1: Black Therapist Rock UM that's a Facebook group and a
Speaker 1: community even beyond Facebook that offers a lot of support
Speaker 1: for black people in the profession who to want to
Speaker 1: kind of connect with one another and provide opportunities and um,
Speaker 1: you know, just really be able to help each other out.
Speaker 1: So I think if you look on social media, you
Speaker 1: can definitely find um a lot of support, and especially
Speaker 1: if you're a student. UM, you know, people who already
Speaker 1: have kind of graduated and been licensed do tend to
Speaker 1: like to help out and you know, make sure that
Speaker 1: other people feel welcomed into the field. So I think
Speaker 1: that you probably could find some support online as well.
Speaker 1: So thank you so much for providing that question. I
Speaker 1: do hope that you, um will get something out of
Speaker 1: that feedback, and then it may be helpful to anyone
Speaker 1: else who's listening who may have similar questions. So that
Speaker 1: is the conclusion of our podcast for today and the
Speaker 1: end of our celebration of Mental Health Awareness Month. I
Speaker 1: do hope you've enjoyed the relationship series. We've talked about
Speaker 1: relationships with mom, relationships with friends, relationship with ourselves today
Speaker 1: and also our relationship with our children. And we will
Speaker 1: we continuing the podcast episodes next month. So we will
Speaker 1: this is the conclusion of the Relationship series. We will
Speaker 1: have fresh topics for your next month. If you have
Speaker 1: any questions that you like to get some feedback about,
Speaker 1: please send it to podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls
Speaker 1: dot com and please make sure to let me hear
Speaker 1: your feedback on social media. The hashtag for the podcast
Speaker 1: is t b G in Session and make sure to
Speaker 1: tag me on Facebook, Twitter, on Instagram. On Twitter you
Speaker 1: can find me at Therapy for the Number four be Girls,
Speaker 1: and on Instagram and Facebook you can find me at
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls. And please make sure that you're
Speaker 1: also sharing these episodes with your friends. I really enjoy
Speaker 1: seeing you guys, tag your friends and sharing and talking
Speaker 1: about all of the things that you're learning and insights
Speaker 1: that you're getting from the podcast. So please keep it
Speaker 1: up and make sure that you're sharing this with your friends.
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to continue in the conversation with you
Speaker 1: guys real soon. Take good care. I don't don't, I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't don't, I don't m