Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we
Speaker 1: discuss all things mental health, personal development, and all the
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information
Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls
Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to
Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to
Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental
Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, welcome to session eight of the
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcast. We are continuing our celebration
Speaker 1: of Mental Health Awareness Month by discussing relationships. So the
Speaker 1: first week we discussed friendships, and last week we discussed
Speaker 1: relationships between moms and daughters. This week we'll be talking
Speaker 1: about romantic relationships. So in the no co pay Needed
Speaker 1: segment this week, we're going to talk about the top
Speaker 1: seven ways that you're not getting what you want and
Speaker 1: need in relationships. So the very first one is we're
Speaker 1: afraid to ask for it. So in casual relationships or
Speaker 1: non committed relationships, this might look like um playing as
Speaker 1: if you don't want something serious and the hosts that
Speaker 1: eventually they'll discover just how wonderful you are and want
Speaker 1: to have something more serious and committed with you. Um
Speaker 1: and in a committed relationship, this might look like not
Speaker 1: asserting your needs. So if you feel like you need
Speaker 1: more words of affirmation or with like more physical affection,
Speaker 1: but not asking for it because you're afraid that your
Speaker 1: partner won't be able to give that to you are
Speaker 1: because you are making your needs a second priority to theirs.
Speaker 1: And a lot of times we are afraid to ask
Speaker 1: for what we want in relationships. One because of a
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment, so for a fear that if you
Speaker 1: ask for what you need and want in the relationship,
Speaker 1: the person is going to say, oh, you're too much
Speaker 1: and I don't want to deal with this anymore and leave.
Speaker 1: And the second reason why we sometimes don't ask for
Speaker 1: what we want in relationships is because we don't think
Speaker 1: we deserve it. So if you don't actually feel like
Speaker 1: you deserve what you need and want in the relationship,
Speaker 1: then you're going to act in those ways either consciously
Speaker 1: are subconsciously, and then you don't actually end up getting
Speaker 1: what you need. And want in the relationship. The second
Speaker 1: reason why you're not getting what you need and want
Speaker 1: in relationships is that you're passive in the process. So
Speaker 1: for most other things in our lives, we have a
Speaker 1: very serious plan for how we're going to get there. Um,
Speaker 1: so when you're applying for grad school, or deciding to
Speaker 1: purchase your first home, or deciding to have your first child,
Speaker 1: there is a lot of research involved. You were talking
Speaker 1: to a lot of different people. You may have even
Speaker 1: written out, you know, step by step, Okay, this is
Speaker 1: how I'm going to get from point eight to point B.
Speaker 1: But for some reason, a lot of us tend to
Speaker 1: take a more passive approach in terms of dating or
Speaker 1: you know, finding love, and we are just expecting that
Speaker 1: somebody wonderful that is going to show up without us
Speaker 1: having to do very much work. And so if for
Speaker 1: every other thing in your life that has been significant
Speaker 1: and meaningful to you, you've had a plan, then why
Speaker 1: would it be different when you're talking about finding a partner.
Speaker 1: So I want us to kind of think about how
Speaker 1: we may be being passive in this in the process,
Speaker 1: and what do you need to do to be more active?
Speaker 1: Do you need to try online dating. Do you need
Speaker 1: to talk to your family and friends about the fact
Speaker 1: that you're looking for somebody and make sure that they
Speaker 1: are introducing you to people. What do you need to
Speaker 1: do to maybe be more active in the process. The
Speaker 1: third reason we're not getting what we need in one
Speaker 1: in relations and ships is that we're too busy listening
Speaker 1: to other people are paying attention to what others have.
Speaker 1: So sometimes this looks like um listening to Grandma and
Speaker 1: mom saying, oh, girl, don't let go of that good man.
Speaker 1: He has a good job and a lot of degrees
Speaker 1: and no kids, so it doesn't really matter if he's
Speaker 1: treating you, will you stay in that relationship? Or sometimes
Speaker 1: it looks like us comparing ourselves and our relationships to
Speaker 1: what we see posted on Twitter and Facebook about the
Speaker 1: grand vacations our couple's friends are taking, or all of
Speaker 1: the very cute um new family pictures or maternity pictures,
Speaker 1: and sometimes we get caught up in thinking, oh, that's
Speaker 1: what the good life looks like, and if our life
Speaker 1: doesn't look like that, then we start to wonder, okay,
Speaker 1: am I making the right decisions? And if we get
Speaker 1: too caught up in comparing our life to others. When
Speaker 1: we know that typically our social media feeds are very
Speaker 1: highly curated, then we can start to think that we're
Speaker 1: not good enough or that we don't deserve those kinds
Speaker 1: of things, and start to think, well, if my life
Speaker 1: doesn't look like what's presented on Instagram and Facebook, then
Speaker 1: it must not be right. The number four reason why
Speaker 1: we're not getting what we need and want in relationships
Speaker 1: is that we've convinced ourselves that we don't actually want
Speaker 1: our need love. So this is a big one, and
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been seeing more and more coming
Speaker 1: out about this savage life. Right, So this idea that um,
Speaker 1: you can kind of be free sexually and sleep with
Speaker 1: whoever you want and there are no emotions attached um,
Speaker 1: or that you don't actually want to catch feelings in
Speaker 1: a relationship. And I'm just trying to figure out when
Speaker 1: did feelings become such a bad thing. So feelings and
Speaker 1: emotions actually are a good thing. They let us know
Speaker 1: that we're alive, that we're human. And so I think
Speaker 1: that we may have gone too far in one extream
Speaker 1: in terms of um wanting to be devoid of feelings
Speaker 1: and emotions that we are kind of we've gotten ourselves
Speaker 1: into trouble in knowing that feelings and emotions actually have
Speaker 1: a place in a relationship. So um, again, you know,
Speaker 1: you make whatever decisions you want to make about sex
Speaker 1: as long as you are being saved. But if your
Speaker 1: core value is not really to just have good sexual relationships,
Speaker 1: and what you really want is to have a meaningful relationship,
Speaker 1: then pretending as if you don't really care or you
Speaker 1: don't really have emotions, it's probably not going to get
Speaker 1: you any closer to that goal. So definitely think about that.
Speaker 1: The number five reason why we are not getting what
Speaker 1: we need and want in relationships is that we're not
Speaker 1: clear on what we need or want. And if we're
Speaker 1: not clear, then how could we ever recognize that even
Speaker 1: if it walked into our lives. So this may seem
Speaker 1: a bit of an old school exercise, but I do
Speaker 1: think it can be really helpful to make yourself a
Speaker 1: list of must have in a relationship. So, what are
Speaker 1: the things that are absolutely necessary for you? Um? Are
Speaker 1: the things that you think will be necessary for you
Speaker 1: to have a healthy relationship with someone, And you have
Speaker 1: to get really clear so that if that walks into
Speaker 1: your life, you can recognize it. Or that when you
Speaker 1: are again being more active in this process, you know
Speaker 1: what to what kinds of things you're screeting for, So
Speaker 1: get really clear about what you need and want, and
Speaker 1: then that will help you to kind of be more
Speaker 1: active in the process. The number six reason why we're
Speaker 1: not getting what we need and want in relationships is
Speaker 1: that we're not being flexible and we are expecting, um,
Speaker 1: love and partnership only to show up in a certain
Speaker 1: type of package. Right. So, um, somebody who may be tall,
Speaker 1: dark and handsome or um, you know, just lots of
Speaker 1: fun and ambitious, sin has some kind of talent and
Speaker 1: athletic and eats well and all these different things that
Speaker 1: we feel like actually really matter. Um, And those things,
Speaker 1: while they may be important and definitely chemistry is important,
Speaker 1: you do want to consider the things that actually make
Speaker 1: a relationship last. And so some of all of the
Speaker 1: physical kinds of things, while important, again, are not the
Speaker 1: things that actually will make a relationship last. So you
Speaker 1: have to be flexible and thinking about, Okay, this is
Speaker 1: the outward package that I may want this to look like,
Speaker 1: but inwardly what does it? What kinds of things actually matter?
Speaker 1: And then the number seven reason why we are not
Speaker 1: getting what we need and want in relationships is that
Speaker 1: we haven't actually healed from any past hurts. So if
Speaker 1: you are still holding out hope that your ex will
Speaker 1: give you a call and say, hey, I made a
Speaker 1: huge mistake. I really um know that I want to
Speaker 1: spend the rest of my life with you. Or if
Speaker 1: you are continuing to date a bunch of people even
Speaker 1: though you know in your heart of hearts that this
Speaker 1: is not anything that could go anywhere, you're really just
Speaker 1: wasting time and energy that could be better used actually
Speaker 1: looking for people who could be significant partners for you.
Speaker 1: So if you haven't healed from the past, then it
Speaker 1: makes it really hard for the person who's supposed to
Speaker 1: be in your life to actually show up and be present.
Speaker 1: So again those top seven reasons why we're not getting
Speaker 1: what we need in want in relationships. Number one, we're
Speaker 1: afraid to ask for it. Number two, we're being passive
Speaker 1: in the process. Number three, we're too busy listening to others,
Speaker 1: are comparing ourselves to others. Number four, we've convinced ourselves
Speaker 1: we don't need or want love. Number five, we're not
Speaker 1: clear on what we need or want. Number six we're
Speaker 1: not being flexible, and number seven, we haven't healed from
Speaker 1: past relationships or past hurts. So we also have and
Speaker 1: on the porch with Dr Joy question this week. So
Speaker 1: this is a follow up to our friendship episode, and
Speaker 1: the question was how do you make friends as an introvert?
Speaker 1: So I thought that this was a great question and
Speaker 1: I'm happy to provide you some feedback about this. So
Speaker 1: first I want us to make sure that we're actually
Speaker 1: talking about introversion and not social anxiety, because those are
Speaker 1: different things. Um. So introversion you've heard, is kind of
Speaker 1: the um on the spectrum between introversion and extra version.
Speaker 1: So introversion is somebody who and again, these things kind
Speaker 1: of get confused in pop culture because I think people
Speaker 1: tend to think about introverts as shy and extroverts as
Speaker 1: the life of the party, um, And those are not,
Speaker 1: um the best and most accurate descriptions of introversion and
Speaker 1: extra version. So introversion really refers to somebody who needs
Speaker 1: to kind of go inward to reach hard so people
Speaker 1: feel their most authentic and feel really Richard recharged by
Speaker 1: spending time alone would be um described as an introvert,
Speaker 1: and extroverts are people who really get their energy from
Speaker 1: spending time with other people. So when they really feel
Speaker 1: like they want to be connected and alive in the world,
Speaker 1: that typically happens by spending time with other people. So
Speaker 1: the difference between introversion and social anxiety is that introversion
Speaker 1: is again more just a wanting to be alone and
Speaker 1: feeling like you are most recharged by yourself. UM. Social anxiety,
Speaker 1: on the other hand, is something that can be UM
Speaker 1: kind of like a just a pervasive discomfort with being
Speaker 1: in social situations. So you have a lot of fear
Speaker 1: about what other people are saying and thinking about you
Speaker 1: in social situations, UM, a lot of fear that you're
Speaker 1: gonna say the wrong kinds of things. So the best
Speaker 1: kind of description is fear of social situations, and that
Speaker 1: is not the same thing as introversion. So I do
Speaker 1: want to, UM, make sure that if you are somebody
Speaker 1: who you're describing yourself as an introvert, make sure that
Speaker 1: you're all you're actually talking about introversion and not social anxiety.
Speaker 1: I also want us to make sure that we are
Speaker 1: not using introversion as an excuse to do the hard things. UM.
Speaker 1: So I know that there has been a lot again
Speaker 1: in pop culture and in the academy about introversion and
Speaker 1: what this looks like recently, and UM, I want us
Speaker 1: to be careful that we are not kind of lumping
Speaker 1: on or uh clinging to this idea that because I'm introverted,
Speaker 1: and that means I can't do X, y Z. So
Speaker 1: it may be more difficult for you to kind of
Speaker 1: put yourself out there in social situations if if you're introverted,
Speaker 1: but it definitely is not impossible. So I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that we are not using introversion or UM
Speaker 1: any other thing that we might describe ourselves as as
Speaker 1: a reason why we don't do the hard things, Because
Speaker 1: even though it may be difficult, you can do it.
Speaker 1: So let's move to some of the ways that you
Speaker 1: might be able to actually make some new friends as
Speaker 1: an introvert. So I think, like we discussed in the
Speaker 1: Friendship episode, UM, online venues like Twitter chats and Facebook
Speaker 1: groups are actually perfect for introverts because it allows you
Speaker 1: to move at your own pace, so you can kind
Speaker 1: of hop in and out of Twitter chats and Facebook
Speaker 1: groups as you want. You can be as involved um
Speaker 1: as much or as little as you like, and it
Speaker 1: can kind of be spread out over time, so you
Speaker 1: can kind of get to know somebody a little bit
Speaker 1: through the different Twitter chats or group participation, and then
Speaker 1: you can kind of decide, Okay, is this somebody if
Speaker 1: you live close enough to the person, is this somebody
Speaker 1: that I'd like to meet for lunch or something like?
Speaker 1: Do you want to then move the relationship offline? Um?
Speaker 1: So I think Twitter chats and Facebook groups are actually
Speaker 1: the perfect kinds of venues for people who are introverted.
Speaker 1: I think another way that introverts can maybe make some
Speaker 1: new friends is about looking around at your current experiences.
Speaker 1: So is there somebody kind of in the background of
Speaker 1: your life that actually could become somebody who is a
Speaker 1: really good friend? Um? So the person that you kind
Speaker 1: of chat with in class but then you don't actually
Speaker 1: make plans with or do anything with them after class, um.
Speaker 1: Or somebody that you kind of see around the gym
Speaker 1: and you're friendly and the person smiles, um, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't really go any further than that. So are there
Speaker 1: people kind of in the background of your life if
Speaker 1: you actually look really closely, that could be playing a
Speaker 1: more significant role in your life? Do a scan and
Speaker 1: see if there's anybody who you know you might be
Speaker 1: interested in having more conversation or more contact with. Another
Speaker 1: way that you can make friends as an introvert is
Speaker 1: to enlist the help of your extroverted friends. So you're
Speaker 1: extroverted friends probably have plenty of contacts and um, you know,
Speaker 1: are are the people who kind of enjoy going to
Speaker 1: social gatherings and will kind of do a lot of that,
Speaker 1: and so it's likely that they know a lot of people.
Speaker 1: And so if you have a very close extroverted friend,
Speaker 1: then you can say, hey, you know, I'm looking to
Speaker 1: kind of branch out and include more people in my circle.
Speaker 1: Can you help me? Is there somebody that you know
Speaker 1: that you think would be, um, somebody I'd have a
Speaker 1: lot in common with, and ask them to make an
Speaker 1: introduction for you. And then one of the final things
Speaker 1: I want you to consider if you're an introvert who
Speaker 1: is having trouble making friends is for you to be realistic. UM.
Speaker 1: So you're probably never going to be the person who
Speaker 1: has a large group of friends, and that is actually
Speaker 1: probably the last thing that you would want, UM, But
Speaker 1: but I want you to be realistic about the process,
Speaker 1: so you don't need a large group of friends, but
Speaker 1: maybe one, two or three good girlfriends would be perfect
Speaker 1: for you. UM, So be realistic and be gentle with yourself.
Speaker 1: I think sometimes we get caught up in thinking that
Speaker 1: introverted introversion is a lesser version. Um, there are lesser
Speaker 1: than extra version, and really they are just different. It's
Speaker 1: just like having brown eyes or blue eyes. It's just
Speaker 1: a difference, not an actual well better or worse kind
Speaker 1: of thing. To make sure that you're gentle and patient
Speaker 1: with yourself in that process. So I hope that gives
Speaker 1: you some good feedback and some tips that you can
Speaker 1: use to kind of make some new friends if you're introverted.
Speaker 1: If you have a question that you'd like to get
Speaker 1: some feedback about, please send it to me at podcast
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And that's all
Speaker 1: we have for this episode, So make sure that you
Speaker 1: continue the conversation with us on social media if you
Speaker 1: have other ideas about how introverse can make friends, or
Speaker 1: if there are other things that you would add to
Speaker 1: the list of why we are not getting what we
Speaker 1: need and want in relationships, I'd love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: Make sure to use the hashtag tb G in session.
Speaker 1: You can find us over on Twitter at Therapy for
Speaker 1: the Number four be Girls, and you can find us
Speaker 1: on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to continue in the conversation with you real soon.
Speaker 1: Take care, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor doctor int