Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts, where we
Speaker 1: focus on all things mental health, personal development, and all
Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best
Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To find more information
Speaker 1: and to get resources, visit the website at Therapy for
Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love
Speaker 1: listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not
Speaker 1: meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a
Speaker 1: licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, welcome to episodes two
Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I hope that
Speaker 1: you're doing well and enjoying the beginning of spring. I'm
Speaker 1: definitely enjoying the nicer weather here in Atlanta, even though
Speaker 1: the pollen is off the chart, so I'm staying popping
Speaker 1: my allergy myths. So today, in the no co pay
Speaker 1: needed segment, we're gonna be talking all about how to
Speaker 1: find a therapist and some questions that you may want
Speaker 1: to consider um in beginning this process. So we have
Speaker 1: five questions that I think would be helpful for you
Speaker 1: to examine. And don't worry if you're driving. All of
Speaker 1: this information will be included in the show notes. You
Speaker 1: can find those by going through Therapy for Black Girls
Speaker 1: dot Com slash session two. So the first question is
Speaker 1: how important is it that your therapists match you in
Speaker 1: characteristics like race, ethnicity, gender presentation, or sexual orientation. So
Speaker 1: the research has been consistent in finding that the most
Speaker 1: important factor in whether or not therapy will be helpful
Speaker 1: is the quality of the relationship between client and therapists.
Speaker 1: There definitely is a need to feel known and seen
Speaker 1: and heard by your therapist that helps you to be
Speaker 1: more vulnerable in the space with your therapist. So if
Speaker 1: there are particular characteristics about a therapist that you believe
Speaker 1: will help you to feel more comfortable and ready to work,
Speaker 1: then by all means, try to find a therapist with
Speaker 1: those characteristics. But I don't want you to make the
Speaker 1: mistake of thinking that you can't have a quality therapeutic
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody who doesn't come in the package you
Speaker 1: thought that you wanted. Many times, we're really able to
Speaker 1: do some of our best work with people who are
Speaker 1: not like us in any kind of way. Um, And
Speaker 1: so I really want you to be open because my
Speaker 1: experience has been that most times black women want another
Speaker 1: black woman therapist. And while I think that's great, I
Speaker 1: simply don't think that there are enough of us to
Speaker 1: go around. And so what I don't want to happen
Speaker 1: is for you not to get quality therapy simply because
Speaker 1: it doesn't come in the package that you want. So,
Speaker 1: if you're looking for a black woman therapist, by all means,
Speaker 1: search for one. Try to find one in your city,
Speaker 1: even if you have to travel a little bit to
Speaker 1: get to her. UM. But if you can't find that
Speaker 1: and do UM, keep yourself open to some other options.
Speaker 1: Number two. The second question is what type of personality
Speaker 1: works best with you. Are you somebody who needs to
Speaker 1: be gently nudged into making a change or would you
Speaker 1: prefer a straight up no chase or approach. Are you
Speaker 1: someone who needs lots of structure and activities to help
Speaker 1: you work through issues or do you for for processing
Speaker 1: an issue from multiple perspectives. Each of these things are
Speaker 1: important to consider as you decide on the therapist because
Speaker 1: we all have different styles, and so you have to
Speaker 1: kind of consider what style is going to be the
Speaker 1: best fit for you. You may be able to get
Speaker 1: a sense of some of this from their websites, and
Speaker 1: most therapists have websites now, um, so you can get
Speaker 1: a sense of some of this by the copy that's
Speaker 1: provided on their website. But you also want to ask
Speaker 1: some questions around this when you have that first consultation
Speaker 1: with the therapist to decide whether this person is going
Speaker 1: to be a good fit for you. The third question
Speaker 1: that you may want to consider is are you looking
Speaker 1: for your religion? Are spiritual beliefs to be incorporated into therapy?
Speaker 1: So one of the major reasons why black women sometimes
Speaker 1: state that they don't want to seek mental health treatment
Speaker 1: is this idea that you can't go to therapy because
Speaker 1: it is against God. Um And my response to that
Speaker 1: typically is that there is space for both God and
Speaker 1: therapy in your life. Um. So, if faith, religion, or
Speaker 1: spirituality is something that's really important to you and you
Speaker 1: feel like you want a strong faith component to your therapy,
Speaker 1: you can definitely find a good therapist who will be
Speaker 1: a good match for you. So many therapists describe themselves
Speaker 1: as either faith sensitive or faith based. So faith sensitive
Speaker 1: means that they understand the role that faith may play
Speaker 1: in your life and they will be respectful and encouraging
Speaker 1: you to stay connected to this part of your life.
Speaker 1: Someone who describes themselves though as faith based UM will
Speaker 1: likely center your therapy around religion and spirituality, and it
Speaker 1: may even be conducted by someone who is a part
Speaker 1: of a faith community, and their office may even be
Speaker 1: connected to the church or the spiritual home UM. So
Speaker 1: when you're looking for faith based therapy, though, you do
Speaker 1: want to make sure that that person actually has been
Speaker 1: trained in some kind of a counseling program UM, that
Speaker 1: they also have an appropriate license in that field, and
Speaker 1: that it's not UM you know, simply something they're calling
Speaker 1: therapy are counseling and they don't actually have the clinical
Speaker 1: skills to back that up. So definitely make sure you
Speaker 1: do your due diligence when you're looking into that. The
Speaker 1: fourth question that you may want to consider is do
Speaker 1: you want to use your insurance benefits? So many health
Speaker 1: insurance plans now have at least some mental health benefits,
Speaker 1: and if you're interested in using your benefits, your first
Speaker 1: step should be checking the website UM from the insurance
Speaker 1: company are calling the eight hundred number that is typically
Speaker 1: found on the back of your insurance card UM so
Speaker 1: a few things are more frustrating than finding a therapist
Speaker 1: who you think is going to be the perfect fit
Speaker 1: for you and then realizing they don't take your insurance.
Speaker 1: So typically I suggest that if you definitely want to
Speaker 1: use your insurance benefits, you start by looking at the
Speaker 1: website of your insurance company or calling that eight hundred
Speaker 1: numbers to get a list um. But even though even
Speaker 1: if you find a therapist who is not in network,
Speaker 1: you can still see that person. You would just have
Speaker 1: to pay the out of network fee for that person.
Speaker 1: And sometimes your insurance will have out of network benefits,
Speaker 1: which means that you can see this person and pay
Speaker 1: the person their fee, and then the person will give
Speaker 1: you a receipt or what's called a super bill um
Speaker 1: that you can then submit to your insurance to get reimbursed,
Speaker 1: so you don't have to you know, if you really
Speaker 1: have your heart set on seeing someone and you can
Speaker 1: make it work financially, then you can just pay out
Speaker 1: of the pocket and expect to get reimbursed, or you
Speaker 1: can just pay out of pocket um and you know,
Speaker 1: call it a good investment in your mental health. But
Speaker 1: even for the out of network benefits, you do want
Speaker 1: to check with your insurance to make sure you have
Speaker 1: those before you simply assume that you will be able
Speaker 1: to get reimbursed. The fifth question that we want to
Speaker 1: ask is are you clear about your therapeutic goals and
Speaker 1: what you want to achieve in therapy. So, undoubtedly many
Speaker 1: of us will start therapy without having a clear goal
Speaker 1: of what we want to get and it can be
Speaker 1: a little fuzzy. That's okay, UM, But the clearer you
Speaker 1: can be about what your goals are, the more successful
Speaker 1: your outcome. Maybe, UM. So when you're better equipped to
Speaker 1: kind of verbalize what your goals are for therapy, what
Speaker 1: kinds of things you want to work on, then when
Speaker 1: you have this initial consultation with a prospective therapist, you
Speaker 1: can ask them specifically, UM, have you worked with these
Speaker 1: kinds of concerns before? Do you feel like you have
Speaker 1: a specific expertise in this area. So the clearer you
Speaker 1: can be about what your goals are, it definitely is better.
Speaker 1: So some resources that you may want to consider, um Again,
Speaker 1: if finances are a concern, one of the most popular
Speaker 1: ones is the Open Path Collective. So this is a
Speaker 1: directory of therapists across the country, UM who have agreed
Speaker 1: to provide some sliding scale spaces in their case load
Speaker 1: for people who would like to come in for counseling UM.
Speaker 1: That website is open path Collective dot org. Again, this
Speaker 1: will be included in the show notes UM, but you
Speaker 1: can go there and find a therapist in your city,
Speaker 1: and typically you would pay between thirty to fifty dollars
Speaker 1: to see that therapist, so that definitely is an option UM.
Speaker 1: You also may want to look at any colleges or
Speaker 1: universities in your town that may have training clinics. So
Speaker 1: if you have one of these a college university in
Speaker 1: your town, they may have a training clinic where students
Speaker 1: who are pursuing either MASSES or a doctorate degree will
Speaker 1: be under the supervision of licensed clinicians UM, and they
Speaker 1: will be providing clinical services to people in the community
Speaker 1: UM for a much reduced rate, So that's another option
Speaker 1: to look into. UM. You also want to do a
Speaker 1: Google search for any community clinics that are sponsored by
Speaker 1: your county UM. Typically there will be some kind of
Speaker 1: behavioral health component to the services offered by counties in
Speaker 1: your towns UM, so you can do a Google search
Speaker 1: for those as well. Another option UM that sometimes we
Speaker 1: don't think about this group therapy. Um so, lots of
Speaker 1: clinicians will offer group counseling in addition to the individual
Speaker 1: counseling services they offer, and this can definitely be an
Speaker 1: affordable option. Um So, while you won't get the one
Speaker 1: on one attention that you would get in an individual session,
Speaker 1: a group therapy setting can definitely be helpful, particularly for
Speaker 1: people who are struggling with like relationship kinds of things,
Speaker 1: because there's no better way to kind of figure out
Speaker 1: some relationship stuff than in a group of other people
Speaker 1: who you will have a relationship with. Um So, group
Speaker 1: therapy definitely can be the prefer setting for some people
Speaker 1: depending on your concern so definitely look um into groups
Speaker 1: that may be offered in your town or your city
Speaker 1: as another option if you're also trying to manage costs
Speaker 1: and thinking about what will fit for you. So today
Speaker 1: we do have on the porch with Dr Joyce segments.
Speaker 1: So we got our very first question, um so, somebody
Speaker 1: wanted some feedback about relationship concerns, so we will get
Speaker 1: into that next and if you have a question, make
Speaker 1: sure you send that over to me at podcast at
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com. So The question is,
Speaker 1: how do you walk away from a guy that you
Speaker 1: care about but you know he's only using you. He
Speaker 1: only sees me when it's convenient. He used to spend
Speaker 1: the night, Now he only comes before work or after.
Speaker 1: I want to cut it off, but when I see him,
Speaker 1: I get weak. After I'm feeling empty emotionally because I
Speaker 1: know he's only using me. I guess the question is
Speaker 1: when did I lose myself worth and how do I
Speaker 1: gain it back? So this is a great question, And
Speaker 1: thank you listener for UM sending this and trying to
Speaker 1: get some feedback about this. I'm sure that UM it
Speaker 1: could be helpful to you and as as well as
Speaker 1: any anybody else who's struggling with similar concerns. So one
Speaker 1: of the first things I want you, UM and for
Speaker 1: all of us to kind of pay attention to, is
Speaker 1: the language that we use when we're talking about specific concerns.
Speaker 1: So you mentioned in the letter, UM, you use some
Speaker 1: very strong language. You feel like he's using you, you
Speaker 1: feel emotionally empty, UM and and that I consider to
Speaker 1: be pretty strong language. And so my thought is, I
Speaker 1: wonder what it feels like to you to be used
Speaker 1: UM And I would imagine that's typically not a really
Speaker 1: good feeling, and typically feeling used leads to UM feeling
Speaker 1: resentful in some ways, or it can also kind of
Speaker 1: impact our self esteem. And so I wonder for you
Speaker 1: what comes up around this idea of being used and
Speaker 1: if that is a particularly good feeling. My guests is
Speaker 1: that it's not. Uh. One of the first things that
Speaker 1: you may want to do is to make a list
Speaker 1: of your needs and wants in a relationship and then
Speaker 1: make a list of how this relationship either is or
Speaker 1: is not matching up with that list. So, if you
Speaker 1: make a list of all the things you feel like
Speaker 1: you needn't want, and then you make another list of
Speaker 1: the things that are actually happening in this relationship, do
Speaker 1: their balance out or is this current relationship coming up short?
Speaker 1: And if it is, and I think you have to
Speaker 1: ask yourself some questions about why am I not really
Speaker 1: going for what I feel like I needn't want? In relationships.
Speaker 1: I also think it's important to really understand how we
Speaker 1: can kind of sit with feelings of sadness and disappointment
Speaker 1: that this didn't work out. UM, And it's okay to
Speaker 1: feel sad and hurt about the fact that this may
Speaker 1: not turn out to be what you thought it initially was.
Speaker 1: But what you don't want to do is get stuck
Speaker 1: and feeling like you have to stay in something simply
Speaker 1: because you've already invested some time and energy into this
Speaker 1: relation ship. So just because you've already done it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you have to continue with it if you
Speaker 1: feel like it's not really what you want to be
Speaker 1: doing anymore, or it's not really meeting your your needs
Speaker 1: and wants in the relationship. Um. You also ask when
Speaker 1: did you lose your self worth? And I'm not sure
Speaker 1: if you've lost it or if it's just a little
Speaker 1: misplaced right now, um, And I would encourage you to
Speaker 1: think about where was it even before this relationship started?
Speaker 1: So do you feel like it was pretty firm even
Speaker 1: before it started, and this is what kind of caused
Speaker 1: a hit to yourself worth? Or where there are some
Speaker 1: things going on even before that caused some cracks and
Speaker 1: kind of the foundation. And so one of the one
Speaker 1: of the ways where we can kind of gain our
Speaker 1: self worth is to really act in line with our
Speaker 1: best interests and what our heart really wants, even when
Speaker 1: it's hard and difficult. So you say that you get
Speaker 1: weak even when you try to walk away with him,
Speaker 1: walk away from this this situation with him, and I
Speaker 1: definitely is hard. It's not hard. It's not easy to
Speaker 1: ignore what the heart wants and you know somebody you
Speaker 1: have really great chemistry with. It sounds like it's not
Speaker 1: an easy choice. But when we really are wanting to
Speaker 1: kind of be firm and our set in our self
Speaker 1: worth and have a firm understanding of who we are,
Speaker 1: then sometimes we have to make choices and and set
Speaker 1: really firm boundaries, even when that's difficult and when it's
Speaker 1: not the thing that we want to do. That that
Speaker 1: typically is in line with good mental health is kind
Speaker 1: of setting a firm boundary around something that you know
Speaker 1: does not mean you will and if you feel like,
Speaker 1: you know, if you decide that ending this relationship with
Speaker 1: him and you really wanted to kind of take that step,
Speaker 1: blocking him is always an option. So you can definitely
Speaker 1: set up your um, your phone, and your email to
Speaker 1: block any incoming or outgoing communication with him. But I
Speaker 1: also think it may be important after you've done the
Speaker 1: exercise around you know, examining your k needs and wants
Speaker 1: in a relationship and just sing whether this matches up
Speaker 1: with that. I think it's also appropriate to have a
Speaker 1: conversation with him to say this is what I feel
Speaker 1: like I needn't want in the relationship and to ask
Speaker 1: him if he can offer that, and if he can't,
Speaker 1: then you have to set a firm boundary and say, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I think that this is the end for us. And
Speaker 1: that's where the blocking may come in, because sometimes it's
Speaker 1: really hard to stay, you know, stay true to that
Speaker 1: boundary even though we know that's what we should do,
Speaker 1: and blocking can sometimes blocking him from your cell phone
Speaker 1: and your email can sometimes make that easier to do.
Speaker 1: So I hope that helps. I hope that you got
Speaker 1: some good feedback from that and can make some decisions
Speaker 1: that you feel like are really best for you. And again,
Speaker 1: if you have questions, please make sure you send those
Speaker 1: over to podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com
Speaker 1: so that reps up our episode for today. Again, let's
Speaker 1: keep the conversation going over on social media. The hashtag
Speaker 1: for the podcast is tv G in Session. You can
Speaker 1: find us over on Twitter at Therapy for the Number
Speaker 1: four be Girls, and you can find us on Twitter,
Speaker 1: on Facebook, and Instagram at Therapy for black girls take
Speaker 1: get care,