Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. We start off like Pele
Speaker 1: in Brazil. The South American nation held its presidential election
Speaker 1: last night, and because neither of the top choice has
Speaker 1: got a majority, they are now going to be having
Speaker 1: a runoff election at the end of October. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: then if it's still tied after the runoff, then I
Speaker 1: assume they go into penalty kicks. And now the international news,
Speaker 1: the African nation of Bikina Faso has had another shake
Speaker 1: up in its government because the military leader who took
Speaker 1: power in a coup earlier this year has now himself
Speaker 1: been ousted in a second coup. And I guess he
Speaker 1: can't complain, right, what is he gonna say? What gave
Speaker 1: you the idea that you could just oh but now
Speaker 1: but now then you guys, now, now the new guy
Speaker 1: has to be like, Okay, I think we can all
Speaker 1: agree that this is the exact right number of coolers.
Speaker 1: Two feels like the right vibe, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So my thoughts obviously with the people of Akina Fasso,
Speaker 1: but also with Donald Trump. Yeah, must hurt some especially
Speaker 1: bad to see two cups in a row carried out
Speaker 1: properly gows up back there in the US. In some
Speaker 1: legal news, California has officially announced that jaywalking is now
Speaker 1: no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians were
Speaker 1: like walking places. This is great news for the six
Speaker 1: of you. And when you do cross the road, remember
Speaker 1: to watch owever for that bus. Uh well, at least
Speaker 1: you didn't die committing a crime. All right, Let's move
Speaker 1: on to some of the biggest stories of the day,
Speaker 1: starting with the global economy. I don't need to tell
Speaker 1: you this, but right now the entire world is teetering
Speaker 1: on the brink of recession. Don't don't even move you
Speaker 1: might tip it over. And if you think things are
Speaker 1: bad for real money, things are even worse for fake money,
Speaker 1: which is why the n f T market has fallen
Speaker 1: n from its peak last January, which I'm shocked. Who
Speaker 1: would have thought paying fifty grand for a picture of
Speaker 1: a digital monkey was a bad financial move. It's just
Speaker 1: it's just so hard to predict this stuff. But yeah,
Speaker 1: n f T s have collapsed, and now all the
Speaker 1: board apes have been released back into the wild. I
Speaker 1: ran over one of my car the other day. It
Speaker 1: was so tragic. They just are not equipped to be
Speaker 1: out there in the streets. And it's not just the
Speaker 1: n f t S. Cryptocurrencies are plunging in value, all
Speaker 1: of them, Bitcoin, Ethereum, dog Coin, Tether, even Trevor butt Coin,
Speaker 1: which I made up just now. I made it up
Speaker 1: in this moment, but it's already lost two billion dollars.
Speaker 1: SID is wild, guys. Now as the crypto bubble pops,
Speaker 1: some major names are now getting in trouble for how
Speaker 1: they convinced their fans to invest in crypto. Reality star
Speaker 1: Kim Kardashian has been charged by the Securities and Exchange
Speaker 1: Commission the SEC for the way that she promoted a
Speaker 1: cryptocurrency asset on Instagram. She has settled this charge with
Speaker 1: the SEC. The SEC says that she unlawfully used her
Speaker 1: Instagram account to promote a cryptocurrency token and did not
Speaker 1: disclose to her many many followers that she was being
Speaker 1: paid two hundred and fifty thousand dollars to do that.
Speaker 1: The SEC going out there and saying, hey, just because
Speaker 1: of a celebrity or an influencer says something about a
Speaker 1: potential financial product, don't necessarily believe it. Yeah, thank you, SEC.
Speaker 1: You cannot just trust anything a celebrity cells. I learned
Speaker 1: this the hard way as the owner of Queen Elizabeth's
Speaker 1: penis and lodgement spray. It's more of a myth than
Speaker 1: a spray. Queen rest in peace. But still, by the way,
Speaker 1: why do I feel like this whole investigation might have
Speaker 1: been started because someone at the SEC was caught looking
Speaker 1: at Kim's Instagram. It's such a unique case. Someone was like,
Speaker 1: someone was like, oh, no, Boston is not what it
Speaker 1: looks like. I'm doing an investigation. I wasn't looking at
Speaker 1: a vocation photos crypto in case you're wondering. By the way,
Speaker 1: Kim Kardashian has agreed to pay the SEC a fine
Speaker 1: of one point three million dollars, which is five times
Speaker 1: when she got paid for the ad. And I mean
Speaker 1: now the question is how she gonna make up that loss. Well,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you how with trip butt coin. Trip butt coin.
Speaker 1: I know it seems shady, but coin. Oh speaking of scandals, recently,
Speaker 1: the world of alternative sports has been rocked by some
Speaker 1: of the craziest cheating allegations you have ever heard. And
Speaker 1: when I say alternative sports, I mean it. You might
Speaker 1: remember this, but a chess champ was accused of using
Speaker 1: anal beads to pick the best moves right. Recently, a
Speaker 1: poker star has just been accused of using some kind
Speaker 1: of vibrator to win big hands in games. And now,
Speaker 1: and maybe my favorite story of all time, accusations of
Speaker 1: cheating have rocked the world of competitive fishing. Let's get
Speaker 1: to a big story now in the fishing community, two
Speaker 1: fishermen are accused of adding weights to their fish to
Speaker 1: win a popular tournament. So here's what went down. People
Speaker 1: in the crowd suspected foul play, and they prompted the
Speaker 1: fish to then be inspected when the director found multiple
Speaker 1: lead weight stuffed inside them. Who's got damn those dudes
Speaker 1: of piste? Do you call the cops? Call them telling
Speaker 1: them tolling the fish? Call the cups right now. I
Speaker 1: haven't seen white dudes this mat about fish since the
Speaker 1: Disney relauns the Little Mermaid thing. Whish call the cops.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it turns out apparently two fishermen allegedly stuffed
Speaker 1: the fish that they caught with lead weights to make
Speaker 1: the fish way more because apparently the heavier the fish,
Speaker 1: the more prize money you can win, and in this case,
Speaker 1: the prize was twenty nine dollars, which is so much money,
Speaker 1: you realize. At Long John Silvers you can get a
Speaker 1: fish with two sides and a drink, and then you
Speaker 1: can use the rest of your dollars to buy truff
Speaker 1: butt coin. Truff butt coin, the coin that always comes
Speaker 1: up tails. You know, if I'm honest, I almost admire
Speaker 1: the simplicity of the scandal. I really enjoyed this, you know,
Speaker 1: because in other sportsmen people cheat. It's like, oh, untraceable
Speaker 1: performance enhancing drugs and this h g H and the
Speaker 1: hidden surveillance cameras and secretly hollowed out pieces of differ. Yeah,
Speaker 1: these guys are just like, so what if we put
Speaker 1: some heavy stuff in the fish? I understand this. I
Speaker 1: am sad though about the scandal because when at all
Speaker 1: costs isn't what fishing is about, all right, Fishing it's
Speaker 1: about finding Nemo and eating him before his dad can
Speaker 1: get him back. I like that just said for not
Speaker 1: a real Nemo. All right. Finally, let's catch up on
Speaker 1: the latest updates from the war in Ukraine in our
Speaker 1: ongoing segments. Lad Gone mad. As we all know, seven
Speaker 1: months ago, Russia's most famous bowlding troll invaded his neighboring country,
Speaker 1: and although so far he's only been able to capture
Speaker 1: about fift of Ukraine, last weekend he announced no backsies.
Speaker 1: President Putin has announced the annexation of four regions of
Speaker 1: Ukraine that are partially controlled by Russian forces. It is
Speaker 1: the biggest seizure of territory in Europe since the Second
Speaker 1: World War. Russian President Vladimir Putin, proclaiming victory will be
Speaker 1: hours after formally announcing the illegal annexation of of Ukraine,
Speaker 1: joining hands with the leaders of four Russian occupied regions
Speaker 1: chanting Russia. In a fiery speech, Putin warning he'll do
Speaker 1: everything possible to defend the Ukrainian territory as his own.
Speaker 1: That territory of Vladimir Putin insists is now and forever
Speaker 1: will be Russian. I want the key of authorities, and
Speaker 1: they're real masters in the West to hear me, so
Speaker 1: that they remember this forever. People in new Hands and
Speaker 1: her Song and Zapariga are becoming our citizens forever. God tear.
Speaker 1: That's the scariest beginning to a relationship I've ever heard.
Speaker 1: We're together forever here, I mean, you will be a
Speaker 1: fifth Nicholas. You will wear it forever. When we see
Speaker 1: each other, we will pull helps together and see besties forever.
Speaker 1: This is yet another escalation in the war people. Putin
Speaker 1: has declared that this territory is his. Yeah, he invaded,
Speaker 1: he held a sham election, and then he celebrated by
Speaker 1: hosting a literal jerk circle. And by the way, by
Speaker 1: the way, can I just say props to whichever cameraman
Speaker 1: chose to show the angle that shows Putin as short
Speaker 1: as he actually is. Yeah, because everyone's like, how tory,
Speaker 1: that's how he That's yeah, this is what happens. There's
Speaker 1: your short king. Whoever, whatever that cameraman was, you better
Speaker 1: have someone taste your food for the next few months.
Speaker 1: Oh and by the way, Putin's big day wasn't just
Speaker 1: about him imposing Russia's will on other countries. No, he
Speaker 1: also found a moment to deliver a furious rant about
Speaker 1: how America does it too. Instead of democracy, there the
Speaker 1: suppression and exploitation instead of freedom, enslavement, violence. America is
Speaker 1: the only country in the world that has used nuclear
Speaker 1: weapons twice. When they destroyed the Japanese cities of Hiroshima
Speaker 1: and Nagasaki. By the way, they set a precedent with
Speaker 1: that and earlier launching a tirade against the US and
Speaker 1: its allies, saying Western nations are moving towards open Satanism.
Speaker 1: Who wo wo woa whoa America's moving towards Satanism. Relax.
Speaker 1: This guy walked into one walmart during Halloween suddenly thinks
Speaker 1: everyone here worships the devil. I can't wait till he
Speaker 1: comes back. During Valentine's Day, they have naked baby shooting
Speaker 1: people to force them in love. Reminds me of my
Speaker 1: wedding day. Will be honest, But that wasn't even close
Speaker 1: to being the most interesting part of his speech because
Speaker 1: what Prutent basically spent a lot of time saying is
Speaker 1: that people shouldn't complain about what he's doing because the
Speaker 1: West has also done bad things in the past, you know,
Speaker 1: and that's disingenuous, you know, it's sort of It's sort
Speaker 1: of like how if you complain about the leg groom
Speaker 1: on Spirit airlines, they shut you up by showing you
Speaker 1: pictures of other airlines that have crashed. You know. It's
Speaker 1: just like, oh, I'm sorry you're not comfortable, but you
Speaker 1: know what you are alive? Now, set your ass down
Speaker 1: and shut up. By the way, the peanuts are twenty dollars.
Speaker 1: And here's the weird thing. Putin isn't necessarily wrong Astrix astrix, astrix,
Speaker 1: aestricx astrix. The West has created the system where people
Speaker 1: get trapped in perpetual debts and this truth. It's certain
Speaker 1: countries don't participate in the global order. They get sabotaged
Speaker 1: into bending the knee. But that doesn't mean that he's
Speaker 1: right for what he's doing. You know. This is the
Speaker 1: thing that that sucks about bad guys. Oftentimes they'll use
Speaker 1: the truth to justify their evil actions because what part
Speaker 1: of what he's saying is true. It's like what it's
Speaker 1: Putin who's saying it's I hate what did that happened?
Speaker 1: Bag Gass? Is like the real thing, Like like, do
Speaker 1: I agree that the human population is over consuming and
Speaker 1: slowly killing the earth? Yes, I just wish that Fanos
Speaker 1: wasn't the one that's in it, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And maybe this is what leaders in the West needs
Speaker 1: to understand. If they don't practice the ideals that they
Speaker 1: so often preach, madman like Putin will exploit that hypocrisy
Speaker 1: to justify the evil that he does in his name.
Speaker 1: All right, that's it for the headlines. But before we go,
Speaker 1: let's check it on the traffic without very own Roy
Speaker 1: with Junior everybody, Well, you need to know, Triff, you're
Speaker 1: going somewhere. No, No, Roy, not like anytime soon, right
Speaker 1: like this is just for the people at home right now.
Speaker 1: I'm still gonna be here for a significant while. I'll
Speaker 1: be honest, man, I'm scared to talk to you right
Speaker 1: now because last time you and I had a conversation,
Speaker 1: you decided to lead a show. Shouldn't you be talking
Speaker 1: to you? You're liable to leave during the next commercial break.
Speaker 1: We probably talk to too much right now. No, No,
Speaker 1: that's not true. Roy, that's not true. And then why
Speaker 1: do you bring my name into it? When you quit?
Speaker 1: You'll lead a show leader show, but you started that,
Speaker 1: you started the ship last you. Still I was talking
Speaker 1: to Roy with you, you could have just said, bitch,
Speaker 1: I'm gone. That's all you had to say was I'm
Speaker 1: gonna bitch, I'll out if you didn't have to drag
Speaker 1: my name into it. Not everybody on my Twitter yelling
Speaker 1: at me thinking that it's my fault that you decided
Speaker 1: to leave the show and it's not my fault when
Speaker 1: the truth didn't matter. You was out the night before
Speaker 1: we're doing the Peter and you was out there in
Speaker 1: the streets without singing. Roy, Roy, that that is not
Speaker 1: how it happens. That is not do not being leave
Speaker 1: anything you read in the tabloids. Roy, don't don't believe
Speaker 1: you came in here and then you set me up.
Speaker 1: You talk to me because you knew you was gonna
Speaker 1: step down after you had the conversation with me, step
Speaker 1: down from the show. Didn't tell no if I didn't
Speaker 1: even tell Ronnie right, I was standing about just look
Speaker 1: what you did to run it. Look at Ron's face.
Speaker 1: He didn't know why. I don't didn't know. I've never
Speaker 1: seen an Asian disconfused in my life. Run is your friend.
Speaker 1: You could at least turn to run it. You could
Speaker 1: have in the running and said Ronnie, you need to
Speaker 1: get the shout of here. Some ship about to go down.
Speaker 1: But you didn't do that that year. You didn't do that.
Speaker 1: See that that's sick. I understand Trump. Now, we can't
Speaker 1: be giving these immigrants these jobs because these immigrants you
Speaker 1: come over and you don't treat the job right. Roy.
Speaker 1: We we had we had a wonderful seven years together.
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with you. You inspired me.
Speaker 1: If anything it was I was, it was thanking you
Speaker 1: in a way. That's what's up. You're thinking me and
Speaker 1: you're just gonna come over me. I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: just do traffic. Do traffic today. What you want? What
Speaker 1: do you want? You want? You wanna talk about Burkina
Speaker 1: Faisso if anything, if anything, you can know what the
Speaker 1: upside to a coup is this like say what you
Speaker 1: want by the dictator. But at least they stay until
Speaker 1: somebody forces them out. They don't quit on their friends
Speaker 1: and then throw their friend under the unders. I can
Speaker 1: throw you under the bus, Roy And I feel like
Speaker 1: right now you're being a little dramatic, and we can
Speaker 1: we can we just talk about the traffic like it's
Speaker 1: the talk about track. Let's you know, speaking of it's
Speaker 1: about you're welcome, thank you, thank you. Legal now that's
Speaker 1: what you're saying. They say, it's legal now legal. Instead
Speaker 1: of doing the one thing that everybody should expect you
Speaker 1: to do, you can just up and turn left and
Speaker 1: just ruin the flow of everybody else's life without any consideration.
Speaker 1: It is perfectly legal. Did you go look at me?
Speaker 1: I'm walking around up. Everybody else is traffic. Roy. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you feel like I said you were
Speaker 1: responsible for me leaving the show. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm
Speaker 1: also sorry that people are blaming you on social media because, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you did nothing wrong, my friend, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: all you did was inspired me to leave the show.
Speaker 1: So in that spirit, my friend, can you please just
Speaker 1: do the traffic and do your own damn traffic man.
Speaker 1: I'm starting off in Asia this morning, North Korea once
Speaker 1: again fired a missile over the north coast of Japan
Speaker 1: into the Pacific Ocean, a provocation that they losted five
Speaker 1: years ago. And if you're wondering why it was so
Speaker 1: much time in between launchers, well that's how long it
Speaker 1: took North Korea to pull the giant rubber band back
Speaker 1: once again. In labor news, the f A has officially
Speaker 1: announced that flight attendants must now get an extra hour
Speaker 1: of mandatory rest between flights. Which is great. Yeah, this
Speaker 1: has fantastic. They deserve that hour, and they also deserve
Speaker 1: someone who will wake them up from their sleep every
Speaker 1: thirty minutes to asked them if they'd like a drink
Speaker 1: anything else. Oh, and some big celebrity news from the
Speaker 1: world of Scooby Doo. After fifty three years, the character
Speaker 1: Velma has officially come out of the closets as a lesbian.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure right now that someone was like I
Speaker 1: was a conservative. Can I just say I am outraged?
Speaker 1: Whatever happened to the wholesome family show about a drug
Speaker 1: addict who got so high he thinks his dog is
Speaker 1: talking to him? This is this is a great move
Speaker 1: for representation, although it will make things a little awkward
Speaker 1: for the villains at the end of every episode all
Speaker 1: and I would have gotten away with it, Joe if
Speaker 1: it wasn't for you. Weird kids. I mean not not Velma,
Speaker 1: You're cool. I'm an ally. I'm just saying that, like
Speaker 1: a bunch of kids who spend their time solving crimes,
Speaker 1: that's weird. I'm not saying it's weird that you you
Speaker 1: like women, that you live your truth. Girlfriend. By the way,
Speaker 1: can I say girl Frank and I say, oh boy one,
Speaker 1: are those cops getting here? Ha ha ha? Oh this
Speaker 1: is awkward? All right. Some of the bigger stories of
Speaker 1: the day, starting off with the off the math of
Speaker 1: Hurricane In. Officials say that nearly half a million people
Speaker 1: in Florida are still without power and repairing damage to
Speaker 1: homes and businesses could cost up to seventy five billion dollars.
Speaker 1: And because this is Florida, there's one more effect of
Speaker 1: hurricanes you might not have thought of. Floridians returning to
Speaker 1: their homes after Hurricane In are facing a new danger alligators.
Speaker 1: A reminder of what people can't see in the waters.
Speaker 1: In addition to downpower lines after hurricanes or tropical storms,
Speaker 1: wildlife like alligators and snakes can wash into communities. Literally
Speaker 1: right now, there's an alligator right in front of us.
Speaker 1: So you really have to keep waiting to get in there.
Speaker 1: This is about as good a reason why as you
Speaker 1: should not go in the water. We do not know
Speaker 1: everything that is in there right now, but we know
Speaker 1: that that is a problem here. Yeah, that is definitely
Speaker 1: a problem. Okay, flood waters are bringing alligators and to
Speaker 1: snakes into people's neighborhoods. I mean, I've heard of gentrification,
Speaker 1: but the shift in the next level, you know, and
Speaker 1: of course this was always bound to happen. Remember, alligators
Speaker 1: live in water. If your place is filled with water,
Speaker 1: you can expect alligators too. It's sort of like if
Speaker 1: you fill your house with beer. Oh, don't be surprised
Speaker 1: when Brett Kavanaugh shows up. It's still like beer, mom.
Speaker 1: I won't say I would say. One nice thing about
Speaker 1: living in America is that if something like this happens
Speaker 1: to you, everyone sends condolences and offers help. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: back home in Africa, if you say crocodiles and snakes
Speaker 1: are being washed into your house, everyone will be like,
Speaker 1: what did you do that? Jesus is sending you the criptures. Huh,
Speaker 1: that definitely is in your life. You need to pray
Speaker 1: what did you do? I didn't do anything. You did something.
Speaker 1: But let's move on to the latest news out of Iran.
Speaker 1: It has been over two weeks since the Iranian people
Speaker 1: took to the streets protesting the death of Massa Amini,
Speaker 1: who died in police custody after being arrested for not
Speaker 1: covering her hair properly. They claimed. Now, despite the Iranian
Speaker 1: government attempts to shut the protesters down, the people in
Speaker 1: the streets are still growing in numbers. This morning, concern
Speaker 1: of a renewed clashes in Iran's universities after two weeks
Speaker 1: of unrest and deadly protests sweeping across the country. On Monday,
Speaker 1: Iran's top technology university was shuddered following an hour's long
Speaker 1: standoff between students and the police that turned the prestigious
Speaker 1: institution into the latest flashpoint. And it's not just college campuses.
Speaker 1: Resistance in high schools too. Young Iranian girls removing their
Speaker 1: head job while chanting from their schools a stunning act
Speaker 1: of defiance and another sign of young women leading the
Speaker 1: way in these historic protests. Addressing the latest violence for
Speaker 1: the first time around, Supreme Leader Ayatolhamane expressed support to
Speaker 1: the security forces and condemned the riots on Monday, calling
Speaker 1: a bitter incident and accusing the United States and Israel,
Speaker 1: Iran's arch adversaries, of orchestrating the disturbances. First off, come on, man,
Speaker 1: you can't blame the US and Israel for everything. You can't.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, this is because of US, and no,
Speaker 1: this is Iranians protesting what the Iranian government is doing
Speaker 1: to them, all right, it's not about America or Israel.
Speaker 1: I bet this dude comes out of the bathroom at
Speaker 1: a party like looks like Israel clogged up your toilet.
Speaker 1: Oh and secondly, can I just say how every single
Speaker 1: day I'm continuously impressed by the bravery and the tenacity
Speaker 1: of the women and the girls in Iran. This is
Speaker 1: so impressive to see because remember, remember, they are risking
Speaker 1: their lives protesting a brutal regime which I know for
Speaker 1: a fact I wouldn't have the guts to do. I
Speaker 1: won't lie. Yeah, Like like once my mom thought it
Speaker 1: was a Friday when it was actually a Saturday, and
Speaker 1: I was so scared to incur her wrath that I
Speaker 1: just went to school. Yeah, I just hung out alone
Speaker 1: for the whole day. Somehow I still got bullied. Turns
Speaker 1: out the biggest bullies lie within. Anyway, Let's move on
Speaker 1: to some breaking news about Elon Musk, the man who
Speaker 1: will save the world or blow it up by accident,
Speaker 1: could go either way. Every day it seems like the
Speaker 1: mad genius is in the news for something else. And
Speaker 1: over the weekend he introduced his vision for the future,
Speaker 1: a humanoid robot called Optimus, which he says will allow
Speaker 1: for a future where there is no poverty, which I
Speaker 1: assume means when the robots kill us all, no one
Speaker 1: will be poor. Then Yesterday, the Musk made more news
Speaker 1: when he got in a beef with the president of
Speaker 1: Ukraine after Musk posted a Twitter pole asking whether Russia
Speaker 1: should be allowed to annex parts of their neighboring country
Speaker 1: and people, Not only is this insensitive a Twitter pole,
Speaker 1: it's not the place to be deciding the future of
Speaker 1: a country that basically has the same legitimacy as those
Speaker 1: fortunate tell of things you used to do in middle school.
Speaker 1: You know, was like this says you live in Hawaii
Speaker 1: and get married to Becky and then invade the don
Speaker 1: Bass region thing. Elon, But if you thought that was big,
Speaker 1: this morning, Elon Musk made forty billion dollars worth of news.
Speaker 1: A dramatic new twist in the Elon Musk Twitter saga.
Speaker 1: After months of trying to back out, a new report
Speaker 1: says Musk is now going through with the deal after all.
Speaker 1: Musk is now reportedly proposing to buy Twitter for the
Speaker 1: original offer price. Whenberg News reports Musk made the proposal
Speaker 1: in a letter to Twitter. He says he'll buy at
Speaker 1: the original offer price of twenty a share. Musk has
Speaker 1: been trying to back out of the deal first signed
Speaker 1: in April. Okay I don't know what the hell is
Speaker 1: happening here, but apparently the Twitter deal is now back on. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Elon Musk
Speaker 1: is notorious for not pulling out of a deal. He
Speaker 1: stays in there. He's consistent, and you don't want one
Speaker 1: thing about this story. It just shows you how being
Speaker 1: a billionaire so wild. You know, they go back and
Speaker 1: forth on buying a giant company the way most people
Speaker 1: move Ultra mini boots back in and out of the
Speaker 1: Amazon cards, like, are they ugly? Are they chic? Oh?
Speaker 1: I changed my mind every day follow. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: this may be the most relatable thing that Ellen has
Speaker 1: ever done. Everyone does this. They try and leave Twitter
Speaker 1: with a big announcement, just to come crawling back starting
Speaker 1: off with big news. Out of the retail industry, Goodwill,
Speaker 1: the famous donation store, has launched its own e commerce
Speaker 1: site where you can buy secondhand items online. Yeah, so,
Speaker 1: if you're looking to buy a shirt for forty cents
Speaker 1: but then pay twenty dollars in shipping, you're in luck.
Speaker 1: This is great, This is great. You know, it's good
Speaker 1: to see them expanding. They do really good work. But
Speaker 1: you have to admit thrift shopping online isn't just the
Speaker 1: same as doing it in person. You know, you gotta
Speaker 1: gotta be there to see the patterns, you feel the fabric,
Speaker 1: you smell that secondhand sweat, just like someone's grandpa. And
Speaker 1: international news, an irishman just became the first person ever
Speaker 1: to row a boat from New York City to Ireland. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it took him four months, but he said it was
Speaker 1: still better than flying out of LaGuardia like the at
Speaker 1: Lime tech might be dangerous, but its styles still better
Speaker 1: than terminal tree. I oh. In economic news, the Treasury
Speaker 1: Department has announced that America's national debt has hit thirty
Speaker 1: one trillion dollars, which, damn, that's a lot of debts
Speaker 1: your life. The only solution now is for America to
Speaker 1: marry another country that has good finances. Right, Yeah, Joe
Speaker 1: Biden needs to go out and give a press conference
Speaker 1: like hey, hey, Japan, you up. But let's move on
Speaker 1: some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with
Speaker 1: a major milestone in the world of baseball. The only
Speaker 1: sports that's somehow better on radio. Baseball is a game
Speaker 1: that treats its records with reverence. You know, all of
Speaker 1: them from cal Ripkin Juniors, more than consecutive games played,
Speaker 1: to Joe DiMaggio's fifty six game hitting streak, to Derek
Speaker 1: Jeta's record of being the only successful guy ever to
Speaker 1: be named Derek. But no stat is more revered than
Speaker 1: the home run, and last night, Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge
Speaker 1: smashed his name into the record books with the swing
Speaker 1: of his mighty bat. Yankee superstar Aaron Judge loved his
Speaker 1: way into history sixty two. It took until the one
Speaker 1: hundred sixty first game of the season, but number nine
Speaker 1: has finally edged his name in the record books. Aaron
Speaker 1: Judge passes the great Roger Maris to break the record
Speaker 1: for most home runs in a single season by an
Speaker 1: American League player. Ball was caught by Corey Humans of Dallas,
Speaker 1: a vice president at Fisher Investments. He said he hasn't
Speaker 1: decided what he's gonna do with the souvenir, which could
Speaker 1: be worth a couple of million dollars. There's a feel
Speaker 1: good story for you. I'm glad things are finally working
Speaker 1: out for that executive at investment firm. That's what the
Speaker 1: game is all about. Up for you, buddy, good for you.
Speaker 1: But yeah, huge congratulations to Aaron Judge. Right, with just
Speaker 1: one game left to go in the season, he broke
Speaker 1: the American League home run record set by Roger Marris
Speaker 1: all the way back in think about in sixty one.
Speaker 1: That is a long ass time for a record to stand.
Speaker 1: I mean back in you understand how long ago that was.
Speaker 1: America didn't have a Voting Rights Act and abortion was illegal.
Speaker 1: Very different times now. To be clear, this is just
Speaker 1: the American League home run record, right, not the old
Speaker 1: time record, but some people think it should be because
Speaker 1: everyone who's above Eron Judge on the list was busted
Speaker 1: for taking performance enhancing drugs. And whether you like it
Speaker 1: or not, this is a complicated issue because every player,
Speaker 1: whether they took steroids or not, has some advantage over
Speaker 1: players from other errors. You know, like Babe Ruth, he
Speaker 1: didn't have access to modern medicine. Yeah, he pulled a muscle.
Speaker 1: The team doctor would be like, heir, smoke doesn't pack
Speaker 1: of cigarettes. If that doesn't work, I'll prescribe you so much.
Speaker 1: Bestars go on out there, buddy, you know, if if
Speaker 1: I'm being honest, though, I don't know why we celebrate
Speaker 1: home runs in the first place, because to me, all
Speaker 1: that happened is that you just lost the ball. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and now we've got to get a new ball. That's
Speaker 1: like what ten dollars with sixty two homers, That ship
Speaker 1: adds up, Aaron, and I don't know if you've heard
Speaker 1: about America's thirty want training in debt. We should we
Speaker 1: shouldn't be handling this ship and kind of thord it's
Speaker 1: getting the board out there. You know who we should
Speaker 1: be celebrating. We should be celebrating the batches who missed
Speaker 1: the ball completely so we can keep using it. Those
Speaker 1: people are the real heroes. I'm really fun at parties.
Speaker 1: All right, let's move on. It's a public healthy news.
Speaker 1: You know how the food you buy has an expiration
Speaker 1: dates on it, Yes, and if the food is post
Speaker 1: that date, then you throw it out unless you're a
Speaker 1: single guy, and then just eat it anyway. Well, soon
Speaker 1: there might not even be a date at all. New
Speaker 1: this morning concerns about global food waste or leading countries
Speaker 1: to rethink best before labels on food. Major UK grocery
Speaker 1: chains have already removed best before labels, and the European
Speaker 1: Union is expected to revamp its labeling laws by the
Speaker 1: end of the year. Best before labels are different than
Speaker 1: used by and have nothing to do with safety. Critics
Speaker 1: say they could cause people to throw away perfectly good food. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you, that's a great idea. No, no, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: people throw out perfectly good food all the time because
Speaker 1: they think that best by means goes bad after when
Speaker 1: it doesn't. All right, And that's not just bad for
Speaker 1: the planet, it's an insult to the plants and the
Speaker 1: animals you get the food from. You're gonna toss away
Speaker 1: some perfectly fine cheese after a cow has worked so
Speaker 1: hard to pee it out of its four penises. Educate yourselves,
Speaker 1: and look, I do get that best before and used
Speaker 1: by all confusing. I do get that, But it's not
Speaker 1: that hard to understand. It's um it's sort of like
Speaker 1: like guawk. Yeah, think of it this way. It's best
Speaker 1: before you run out of chips, but you can still
Speaker 1: use it by dipping your finger and when no one's looking.
Speaker 1: Did I clear that up? Yeah? First anyway, I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I'm glad they're getting rid of the best by dates
Speaker 1: because if you ask me, all they need is the
Speaker 1: worst by date. That's all you need. Yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: all I want to know. When is the date that
Speaker 1: this food is going to turn my butt into a
Speaker 1: super soca? Anything before that is fine, I don't care. Fine. Finally,
Speaker 1: let's move on to some entertainment news. One of the
Speaker 1: biggest shows right now is HBO's House of the Dragon.
Speaker 1: Everybody's loving it. And now, obviously this is a prequel
Speaker 1: to Game of Thrones, which itself was a prequel to Friends.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna get into the timeline, not gonna get
Speaker 1: into the timeline, but Russ and Rachel are siblings. It's
Speaker 1: a whole thing. Anyway. A lot of people were so
Speaker 1: disappointed in the Game of Thrones finale that they said
Speaker 1: they weren't ever going to watch the House of the Dragon.
Speaker 1: But now even the people watching House of the Dragon
Speaker 1: are complaining that they can't watch House of the Dragon.
Speaker 1: HBO's House of Dragon is a very dark show thematically, right,
Speaker 1: but how dark does it have to be visually? Fans
Speaker 1: of the show show they're dismazing it was actually too
Speaker 1: dark to even see what was going on in the
Speaker 1: scene during the show. Blaming the ivan budget. Now, the
Speaker 1: HBO Max Twitter helpline was flooded with tweets from irritated fans,
Speaker 1: and the network kind of brushed off the criticism. They
Speaker 1: offered a boilerplate response on Twitter that read the quote,
Speaker 1: dimmed lighting of the scene was an intentional creative decision.
Speaker 1: What this was an intentional creative Look. Look, I'm not
Speaker 1: Steven Spielberg or Barry Jenkins. I haven't directed anything. But
Speaker 1: in my opinion, if your intentional creative decision is that
Speaker 1: people can't see the TV show that you're making, then
Speaker 1: you're making a podcast. All right, that's what you've me.
Speaker 1: That's not TV. Not see it, that's not TV. That's
Speaker 1: a podcast. House Up Dragon, brought to you by Casper Mattress.
Speaker 1: But for real, have you guys noticed how this is
Speaker 1: happening on every single show these days? Everything on TV
Speaker 1: so dark you can't see anything. I don't know why. Oh,
Speaker 1: they're trying to make it grittier. They they're trying to
Speaker 1: make it like feel like a movie or you know,
Speaker 1: or maybe maybe they figure if they make it dark enough,
Speaker 1: then we can't complain about the cost not being diverse.
Speaker 1: You like, I think that's another white person and I
Speaker 1: guess someone to let it slide. Mm hmmm. And right now,
Speaker 1: right now, HBO is facing a lot of backlash. But
Speaker 1: I think if they're smart about this, this could be
Speaker 1: a good business opportunity for them. Yeah, they should just
Speaker 1: add a higher priced here. Yeah, I think about it.
Speaker 1: They should say, HBO max is month. If you want
Speaker 1: to be able to see what is happening, which one
Speaker 1: you looked at for? Huh huh. And by the way,
Speaker 1: if you think it's bad watching a scene that dark,
Speaker 1: put yourself aside for a moment and just imagine how
Speaker 1: tough it must be for the characters who are in
Speaker 1: those scenes. The time has come, Lord Valerian Fust to
Speaker 1: unify the houses and to you, Sir Christen, I beg
Speaker 1: of the so Christian? That wait? Is that so christ
Speaker 1: Is that so Christian? Who is that? Jeff? Is that you? Does?
Speaker 1: Does someone have a torch or an iPhone light that
Speaker 1: can shine? No? Well, okay, just at least tell me
Speaker 1: is this a fighting scene or a sex scene? I
Speaker 1: don't know that. I don't know if. Okay, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna stumble around with my sword out at my penis outside.
Speaker 1: We'll see what happens. Okay, let's let's try this. Everybody
Speaker 1: let's try this. Here we go, Here we go, Gas
Speaker 1: the only character to appear in every Fast and Furious movie.
Speaker 1: Gas prices have been falling in America for months now,
Speaker 1: but it looks like that's about to end, and just
Speaker 1: in time to throw a big, greasy wrench into the midterms.
Speaker 1: A win for Russia and potentially higher gas prices for
Speaker 1: American consumers. The Opeque plus Alliance of oil producing countries
Speaker 1: announcing deep cuts in production to boost prices for their members,
Speaker 1: including Russia and Saudi Arabia, growing concerns about the future
Speaker 1: of gas prices in the US. We could see an
Speaker 1: increase in price is by the end of this month,
Speaker 1: just in time for midterm elections, the worst possible timing
Speaker 1: for President Biden. This comes just three months after the
Speaker 1: President visited Saudi Arabia, the biggest player in OPEK. Biden
Speaker 1: fist bumped NBS and asked him to increase oil production. Instead,
Speaker 1: Saudi Arabia did the opposite. Yes, America's ally, Saudi Arabia
Speaker 1: has decided to take sides with Russia and raise oil prices.
Speaker 1: And at this point I'm already struggling to understand the
Speaker 1: relationship between America and Saudi Arabia because it seems like
Speaker 1: a very one sided friendship. America sells them weapons and
Speaker 1: ignores their many human rights abuses, and then Saudi Arabia
Speaker 1: is like, and in the return, we will kill your
Speaker 1: journalists and radio gas prices and do ninety elevens. Thank you,
Speaker 1: my friend, thank you. We are such good friends, such
Speaker 1: good friends. But I guess that's the power you have
Speaker 1: when you're in control of all the energy, all right,
Speaker 1: I mean, America can't even threaten the Saudias. What's Biden
Speaker 1: gonna say? If you raise the prices, will fly over
Speaker 1: there and bump the ship out of you. If you
Speaker 1: could just lend us some gas and feel about jets,
Speaker 1: that will be great. We can't get there. And whether
Speaker 1: you're a Democrats or a Republican, you have to admit
Speaker 1: that this is not a good look for Biden because
Speaker 1: think about it, he had to fly all the way
Speaker 1: across the world to fist bump the Crown Prince, and
Speaker 1: in exchange he gets a pie in his face. Honestly,
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like the Saudias are just pranking American presidents,
Speaker 1: you know, Like you remember how they were with Trump.
Speaker 1: They were like here to do this sort dance. Dance
Speaker 1: with the sorm dance. Now, put your hands on the
Speaker 1: glowing arm. Oh my god, he's doing it. Guys, he's
Speaker 1: doing it. He's doing it. Americans are so thirsty. Now.
Speaker 1: If we had time, we could talk more about how
Speaker 1: Saudi Arabia could be raising gas prices right before the
Speaker 1: mid terms to punish Biden for running his mouth. Or
Speaker 1: we could talk about how America has painted itself into
Speaker 1: this corner by pushing both Venezuela andy Ron so far
Speaker 1: out of the world economy that they can't help stabilize
Speaker 1: world oil prices. We could even talk about how gasoline
Speaker 1: comes from dinosaurs, which is crazy. But we don't have
Speaker 1: the time to talk about any of that, because while
Speaker 1: Saudi Arabia is coming for your wallets, drug dealers are
Speaker 1: coming for your kids. Urgent Halloween warning, rainbow fennyl. This
Speaker 1: is every parent's worst nightmare. In New York City, fifteen
Speaker 1: thousand rainbow fednyl pills ceased from a car just days ago,
Speaker 1: many of them found in this yellow lego box. The
Speaker 1: d e A calling rainbow fentanyl a deliberate effort by
Speaker 1: drug traffickers to drive addiction among kids and young adults,
Speaker 1: but medical specialists contacted by ABC say there has not
Speaker 1: been evidence presented that the pills are being given to
Speaker 1: or targeted towards children. No, the children, not the children.
Speaker 1: They're being targeted, although there's no evidence of that. But
Speaker 1: what if there was the children? What is it about
Speaker 1: American news that every year they find a new story
Speaker 1: to scare parents about Halloween? Every single year in this country. Oh,
Speaker 1: they're gonna put raising blaze in the candy, They're gonna
Speaker 1: poison the candy, They're gonna switch out the real candy
Speaker 1: for wheed. It's almost like every single October the news
Speaker 1: is like, well, this Halloween, we're gonna go as a
Speaker 1: gullible grandma who believes every actually reads on facepark. Yeah
Speaker 1: I heard that if your hand is bigger than your
Speaker 1: face you have cancer. What are you doing? People need
Speaker 1: to stop fearmongering, Alright. The worst thing anyone gives to
Speaker 1: kids on Halloween's on Halloween is like like a mound's bar.
Speaker 1: That's it. Yeah, thost things are so bad. Even the
Speaker 1: company that makes them is like, well, let's just name
Speaker 1: it after a big pile of dirt. Why not, because
Speaker 1: let's let's play along with this logic. Let's play along.
Speaker 1: What are you saying. You're saying that drug dealers are
Speaker 1: trying to get little children addicted to drugs, So then
Speaker 1: what they can use the millions they've made from the
Speaker 1: tooth ferries to keep the drug business alive. Huh, drug
Speaker 1: dealers one customers not dependents. These kids don't have the
Speaker 1: money for fencil. Well, they're gonna be walking up to
Speaker 1: your drug dealer. I can pay you in stickers, but
Speaker 1: not the glitter ones. Those are my favorite. And don't
Speaker 1: cut that ship like the last time, Marty, I want
Speaker 1: the pure stuff. It's a fearmongering. I'm not I'm not
Speaker 1: saying the drugs onto an issue. I'm saying stuff fearmongering
Speaker 1: to the parents. Right, I see why this is happening
Speaker 1: right now. Rainbow fencinel is the heart new panic drug
Speaker 1: and people. I know rainbow fencinel is scary, but can
Speaker 1: we just take a minute to congratulate it for being
Speaker 1: an ally Huh, cocaine. Maybe your white ask could learn
Speaker 1: a thing or two about that white all the time. Now,
Speaker 1: if we had the time, we could talk more about
Speaker 1: how American news organizations are some of the worst offenders
Speaker 1: and sensationalizing and fueling the war on drugs because their
Speaker 1: stories ensure that public support for a program that has
Speaker 1: decimated communities and incarcerated half of the United States carries on.
Speaker 1: But we don't have the time for that, because while
Speaker 1: local news is trying to pump up the drug wall,
Speaker 1: Joe Biden is trying to undo some of the damage
Speaker 1: it's caused. We're breaking news at this hour. President Biden
Speaker 1: just pardoned thousands of people convicted of marijuana possession under
Speaker 1: federal law, and the pardon will intact about sixty hundred
Speaker 1: people with the simple marijuana possession convictions between the years.
Speaker 1: He's also asked in the Secretary of HHS to review
Speaker 1: how we classify cannabis marijuana in this country, pointing out
Speaker 1: if the marijuana is classified on the same level as heroin,
Speaker 1: he wants his administration to take another look at that.
Speaker 1: Too many lives have been upended because of our failed
Speaker 1: approach to marijuana. It's time that we right these wrongs. Yes, finally,
Speaker 1: this is something that should have been done a long
Speaker 1: time ago. You know, can you imagine how many people
Speaker 1: are incorcerated even worse? Can you imagine getting pardoned for
Speaker 1: this offen scene. How mainstream weed has become in America,
Speaker 1: I mean, which is probably feel the same way. You know.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, so these hampster change can walk around
Speaker 1: Brooklyn with their candles and crystals, but when I did
Speaker 1: in Stalem, I got burned. Bitches, I got burned. But yes,
Speaker 1: this is great for America. This is really good for America.
Speaker 1: And it's also huge. It is a huge week for
Speaker 1: the characters on Scooby Doo. Think about it. Yeah, first
Speaker 1: Velma comes out as a lesbian and now Shaggy's getting
Speaker 1: a federal pardon. What. And I know everyone is saying
Speaker 1: that Joe Biden is just doing this to boost his
Speaker 1: popularity before the mid terms, But in my opinion, I
Speaker 1: think maybe this thing hits closer to home. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be surprised if Joe Biden secretly a huge pothead. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: think about it, think about it. Think about it. Joe
Speaker 1: Biden can smoke a lot of weed. Yeah, he's he's
Speaker 1: always pottering around like he forgot where he was going.
Speaker 1: You know, he's wearing sunglasses everywhere he goes. I mean,
Speaker 1: he definitely talks like he's highs American. You know the thing.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm just like no, I'm not joking. Come on, man,
Speaker 1: come on, wait, we're here now, when the futures everywhere,
Speaker 1: it's everywhere is here. Now. If we just had a
Speaker 1: little more time, we can discuss why anyone anywhere in
Speaker 1: America splin jail for something that almost everyone agrees isn't
Speaker 1: a crime. Oh, we could talk about how convenient as
Speaker 1: it is that we does no longer bed not that
Speaker 1: American has figured out how to make money from it.
Speaker 1: But we don't have the time for that, because while
Speaker 1: the US are showing signs of finally getting over its
Speaker 1: obsession with drugs, Elon Musk is unveiling his master plans
Speaker 1: to get everyone addicted to something else. After a few
Speaker 1: contentious months, Elon Musk and Twitter seemed to have reached
Speaker 1: a deal, and Musk is now poised to buy the
Speaker 1: social media app must tweeting last night. His purchase on
Speaker 1: Twitter will be part of his plans for an app
Speaker 1: called X, a so called super app that acts as
Speaker 1: a condensed version of the Internet, letting you do everything
Speaker 1: within one app. The best example of this is we Chat.
Speaker 1: It's owned by Chinese Internet giant ten Cent and has
Speaker 1: over one billion users, mostly throughout Asia. We Chat let's
Speaker 1: you send text messages, pay for things online and in stores,
Speaker 1: hail a car ride, play video games, and so much more.
Speaker 1: Must telling Twitter employees in a town hall over the summer.
Speaker 1: We Chat could be a model for future versions of Twitter. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Elon Musk wants to turn Twitter into a super app
Speaker 1: that does everything in one place. And I will tell
Speaker 1: you know, I hate that idea. I don't want Twitter
Speaker 1: to do more things. I like how it works now.
Speaker 1: Every day the entire world picks one person and destroys
Speaker 1: their life, and then the next day we find somewhere else.
Speaker 1: It's perfect. It works pretty well, coming for real. But like,
Speaker 1: Twitter is such a toxic sewer, why would you want
Speaker 1: to link it to all the other parts of your life.
Speaker 1: It's like a businessman saying, hey, you see this trash can.
Speaker 1: What if it was also your car? And not to
Speaker 1: burst anyone's bubble. But we already have this all right,
Speaker 1: It's called an iPhone. Seriously, are we so lazy now
Speaker 1: that we're like, oh, I want to order someone to
Speaker 1: bring me food, but the app is all the way
Speaker 1: on the other side of the phone, and my thumb
Speaker 1: is so tired. I'm look, if we had a little
Speaker 1: more time, we could talk, and we could have so
Speaker 1: much fun talking about how Elon Musk thought he was
Speaker 1: trolling all of us but instead just spend forty four
Speaker 1: billion and dollars trolling himself. And I know you might
Speaker 1: be saying, oh, yeah, well he still owns Twitter, Trevor, Yeah,
Speaker 1: and somebody owned my Space. I'll see you guys on
Speaker 1: the next half. But we don't have the time to
Speaker 1: talk about any of that because someone somewhere in the
Speaker 1: world says something by mistake, and now all of us
Speaker 1: on Twitter are gonna try and destroy their lives before
Speaker 1: we go. Before we go, please consider supporting the Alejandre Foundation.
Speaker 1: They're an organization that helps the Latin community access mental
Speaker 1: health therapy services, so if you want to support them
Speaker 1: in this important work, then please donates at the link below.
Speaker 1: The Daily Show with Trevor no ears editions. Subscribe to
Speaker 1: The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content, and stream
Speaker 1: full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a
Speaker 1: Comedy Central podcast