Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean
Speaker 1: for our psychology. Thanks for joining in again and for
Speaker 1: listening to this episode. Today, we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: love languages. Maybe you've heard of them, maybe you haven't.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's why you decided to listen to this episode.
Speaker 1: But regardless of your pre existing knowledge of the idea,
Speaker 1: there is plenty to learn today. If there is noise
Speaker 1: in the background, I'm so sorry. I'm currently recording this
Speaker 1: under a blanket in my house because it's raining. Because
Speaker 1: Lendina does not sleep. She just doesn't. So love languages,
Speaker 1: that's what we're talking about this week. Essentially, there are
Speaker 1: ways that people express and love. That's the basic premises
Speaker 1: and the founder of this concept, essentially, he believes his
Speaker 1: name's Chapman, and he believes that he's created a tool,
Speaker 1: a test or I guess, kind of like a dimensional
Speaker 1: method that can reveal exactly how you want to be
Speaker 1: loved and the ways in which you best show love.
Speaker 1: And since it's creation back in the eighties early nineties,
Speaker 1: it's expanded quite significantly. Obviously, it's now an online quitz
Speaker 1: that I'm sure I would say most of you have done,
Speaker 1: and it's no longer just primarily used for couples. It's
Speaker 1: used for friendships, the relationships you have with your family,
Speaker 1: and even get this in the workplace, although I'm not
Speaker 1: quite sure how they incorporate physical touch into that. That
Speaker 1: sounds like they're walking a very thin line between healthy
Speaker 1: work relationships and a lawsuit. But anyhow, you can kind
Speaker 1: of get the gist. It has become its own kind
Speaker 1: of phenomenon and a pretty core part of our psyche babble.
Speaker 1: I remember when I was at UNI, this was like
Speaker 1: a huge thing that people talked about. Oh, you know, like,
Speaker 1: what's your love language? I remember doing the quiz. I've
Speaker 1: probably done it quite a few times, and it's changed
Speaker 1: every time, But I remember doing it with a group
Speaker 1: of friends, like at one of my UNI dining tables,
Speaker 1: like way back in twenty and seventeen, and even today,
Speaker 1: people often trot out their self identified love languages as
Speaker 1: kind of a shorthand to indicate how they behave in
Speaker 1: relationships in the same kind of casual and convenient way
Speaker 1: you might talk about your star sign or your Mayer's
Speaker 1: brig type or your Hogwarts house. I see it on
Speaker 1: Hinge profiles all the time, like all the time, you know.
Speaker 1: I think it's even a prompt on Hinge, And funnily enough,
Speaker 1: like the dating app actually did some psychological research on
Speaker 1: love languages that we're going to talk about later. And
Speaker 1: you know, it's in every context I've talked about it
Speaker 1: with I think every single partner that I've ever had,
Speaker 1: even if I wasn't the one who brought it up.
Speaker 1: It's just become such a quintessential part of beginning a
Speaker 1: relationship or continuing a relationship. It's this discussion around what's
Speaker 1: your love language? How do you want me to show love? Now?
Speaker 1: Acknowledging that it has become such a huge part of
Speaker 1: relationship jargon these days, is it even real? Our love
Speaker 1: language is real? Is there any science to it at all?
Speaker 1: Or is it just this like weird, murky pseudoscience slash
Speaker 1: like BuzzFeed esque quiz. I think there is a huge
Speaker 1: trend these days with a lot of these personality quizzes
Speaker 1: and judgments that attempt to tell you things about yourself,
Speaker 1: and there's really no kind of indicator of whether they're accurate,
Speaker 1: but we put a lot of merit in them at times.
Speaker 1: So how much method is there to the madness of
Speaker 1: the five love language quiz? Can you truly believe it?
Speaker 1: If you go into your relationship having done the quiz
Speaker 1: knowing what you know about yourself, is it actually going
Speaker 1: to make you happier? So we're going to unpack all
Speaker 1: of that and more in this episode, So stay tuned.
Speaker 1: So if you're one of the few people who hasn't
Speaker 1: heard of love languages, here's a simple rundown. So the
Speaker 1: five love languages are these different ways of expressing and
Speaker 1: receiving love. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts,
Speaker 1: acts of service, and physical touch. The premise is this,
Speaker 1: not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise
Speaker 1: people have different ways that they prefer to receive love.
Speaker 1: And the concept of love languages it was developed by
Speaker 1: this man. His name was Gary Chapman, and he wrote
Speaker 1: a book about it. His book was The Five Love
Speaker 1: Languages The Secret to Love That lass and in this book,
Speaker 1: which has become quite famous, he describes these five unique
Speaker 1: styles of communicating love categories that he's kind of distilled
Speaker 1: from his experience as a marriage counselor a bit of
Speaker 1: background on Gary Chapman. He's actually incredibly well known in
Speaker 1: social psychology. He runs an institute in the United States
Speaker 1: and they do heaps of pretty groundbreaking work or just
Speaker 1: interesting work on relationships and communication styles. And he a
Speaker 1: kind of a side note, but he did this amazing experiment,
Speaker 1: I think ten years ago where he was able to
Speaker 1: predict out of a hundred couples which ones would last
Speaker 1: and which ones would with like a ninety five percent accuracy,
Speaker 1: all based on how they communicate their communication styles, which
Speaker 1: is kind of different to the five love languages, but
Speaker 1: it was incorporated at times. So what he says is
Speaker 1: that we probably all relate to these love languages. Everyone
Speaker 1: loves receiving gifts, everyone loves words of affirmation at different times,
Speaker 1: but there's definitely one that will speak to you the most,
Speaker 1: and discovering you and your partner's primary love language and
Speaker 1: speaking that language regularly may help a better understanding of
Speaker 1: each other's needs and kind of support each other's growth
Speaker 1: in your relationship, whatever the parameters of that. Maybe. So
Speaker 1: here's a bit of a deeper overview of what each
Speaker 1: of them is acknowledging before we dive in that not
Speaker 1: one single love language is better than another, nor are
Speaker 1: we kind of just limited to one way of expressing
Speaker 1: love to others. You can feel an attachment to all
Speaker 1: of these if you're listening to them or hearing about
Speaker 1: them for the first time and you're like, well, I
Speaker 1: don't really think one of them represents me. That's kind
Speaker 1: of the whole point. Everyone likes each of these probably
Speaker 1: a little bit. It's just about which one kind of
Speaker 1: stands out. So first, let we have words of affirmation.
Speaker 1: So people with words of affirmation as a love language,
Speaker 1: they value verbal acknowledgement of affection. You know, they like
Speaker 1: when you frequently tell them I love you. They're like compliments,
Speaker 1: words of appreciation, and verbal encouragement. And in the modern age,
Speaker 1: these people often probably really enjoy frequent digital communication, texting
Speaker 1: and social media engagement, and written and spoken efforts of
Speaker 1: affection matter the most to these people above other things.
Speaker 1: You would rather receive a heartfelt message or a compliment
Speaker 1: from someone you love than maybe a gift or a hug.
Speaker 1: So the second one is quality time. So people whose
Speaker 1: love language is quality time, they feel the most adored
Speaker 1: when their partner actively wants to spend time with them,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of always down to like hang out
Speaker 1: or do things they particularly love when their partner or
Speaker 1: the person they're with is actively listening, making eye contact
Speaker 1: and their full presence is kind of in that moment.
Speaker 1: They like date nights, they're like doing things together. This
Speaker 1: love language, it's all about giving your undivided attention to
Speaker 1: that kind of special person without the distraction of your
Speaker 1: phone or another kind of stimuli or something else in
Speaker 1: the background, no interference. And these people they have a
Speaker 1: strong desire to actively spend time with their significant other,
Speaker 1: have those meaningful conversations and share in hobbies and activities.
Speaker 1: Next up, acts of service kind of like all of them.
Speaker 1: Like the title, you can kind of gather a lot
Speaker 1: from that. But if your love language is acts of service,
Speaker 1: you really value on your partner goes out of their
Speaker 1: way to make your life easier. It's things like, I
Speaker 1: don't know, bringing you like panadol when you're sick, making
Speaker 1: you coffee in the morning, picking up your dry cleaning,
Speaker 1: making the bed for you when you've had a busy
Speaker 1: day at work, doing the laundry. Simple acts that would
Speaker 1: maybe take time out of your day and they decide
Speaker 1: to kind of take it on for you. So this
Speaker 1: love language is for people who believe that I guess
Speaker 1: actions speak louder than words, unlike those who prefer to
Speaker 1: hear about how much they're cared for, as with words
Speaker 1: of affirmation. People who fit into the acts of service category,
Speaker 1: they like to be shown that they're appreciated. Doing this
Speaker 1: small or bigger chores to make their lives easier or
Speaker 1: more comfortable is pretty highly cherished by these people. Okay,
Speaker 1: gifts perhaps the most controversial. I want to say, don't
Speaker 1: mistake this love language for materialism. The receiver of the gifts,
Speaker 1: it's not that you spent money, it's that there's thoughtfulness
Speaker 1: and effort behind the gift. And it's pretty straightforward. You
Speaker 1: feel loved when people give you visual symbols of love.
Speaker 1: As Chapman calls it, It's not about the monetary value.
Speaker 1: Like I said, it's not about receiving diamonds or a car,
Speaker 1: but it's the symbolic thought behind the gift. And people
Speaker 1: with this style recognize and value the gift giving process,
Speaker 1: the careful reflection, you deliberately choosing an object that represents
Speaker 1: the relationship and kind of the emotional benefits from receiving
Speaker 1: the present. So people whose love language is receiving gifts,
Speaker 1: they enjoy being gifted something that is both physical but
Speaker 1: also meaningful. And for me, gift giving is the love
Speaker 1: language I like to show. I don't so much like
Speaker 1: receiving gifts, but for me, like if I love someone,
Speaker 1: it's kind of it's really meaningful to give them something
Speaker 1: that shows that in like a physical form. So finally,
Speaker 1: the fifth love language is physical touch. So people with
Speaker 1: physical touch as their love language, they feel loved when
Speaker 1: they receive physical signs of affection kissing, holding hands, cuddling
Speaker 1: on the couch, and of course sex. Physical intimacy and
Speaker 1: touch can be incredibly affirming and they really serve as
Speaker 1: quite a powerful, emotional, soulful connector for people with this
Speaker 1: love language. And there's this theory give it as much
Speaker 1: thought as you want, as much weight as you want.
Speaker 1: But there's a theory that the roots of physical touch
Speaker 1: go back to childhood. Some people only felt a deep
Speaker 1: connection and love by their parents when they were held, kissed,
Speaker 1: and touched, and in adulthood that might manifest in physical
Speaker 1: touch being their primary love language. People who communicate their
Speaker 1: appreciation through this language when they consent to it, feel
Speaker 1: appreciated when you hold them, when you cuddle them, when
Speaker 1: you love them through warmth and comfort and physical touch.
Speaker 1: So these are all pretty typical forms of expressing love.
Speaker 1: I think we're all fairly familiar with them, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure we've all experienced them. I'm hoping there aren't really
Speaker 1: any surprises here, though I'm sure you can maybe see
Speaker 1: perhaps some love languages that may be missing. But one
Speaker 1: of them that I talked about with someone once was
Speaker 1: like cooking for someone. It's not so much like the
Speaker 1: act of service, and it's not gift giving. It's something
Speaker 1: in between. And we're going to get further into this
Speaker 1: later for sure, because that's a big argument against the
Speaker 1: use of the love language quiz or distinction. It's that
Speaker 1: it doesn't really capture everyone, and love is a lot
Speaker 1: more nuanced than kind of a five point categorical scale.
Speaker 1: But before we kind of dig into the controversy, I
Speaker 1: want to discuss the quiz, the quiz that is most
Speaker 1: typically used to discover your love language. So the creator
Speaker 1: Chapman we've mentioned talked about him. He developed this kind
Speaker 1: of test based on his interactions with thousands and I
Speaker 1: mean thousands of couples in one on one therapy sessions
Speaker 1: and interviews. There's a TV series about this if you
Speaker 1: want to know more. Essentially, but through this experience with
Speaker 1: his clients, I'm just going to note here the majority
Speaker 1: of them were heterosexual and monogamous. But through his experiences
Speaker 1: talking with them, he determined that not only are there
Speaker 1: five very distinct ways of showing and receiving love, but
Speaker 1: we can clinically discern which one suits a person best
Speaker 1: by asking them to rate some fairly simple statements and
Speaker 1: just to say which they would prefer. So, for example,
Speaker 1: one of the questions or statements might begin with this,
Speaker 1: so it's more meaningful when a I receive a loving
Speaker 1: note from my loved one, or be my partner and
Speaker 1: I hug so with the first option that of represents
Speaker 1: words of affirmation and the second being physical touch. This
Speaker 1: goes on for a while. I don't know how many
Speaker 1: there are, I'm guessing probably over twenty, and at the
Speaker 1: end you get a percentage for each of the five
Speaker 1: languages that tells you which you would like to receive,
Speaker 1: and the percentages add up to a hundred meaning there's
Speaker 1: room for all of them in your final result. It's
Speaker 1: very rare that you'll get one hundred percent just for one.
Speaker 1: Actually it's impossible. It's not rare. It's impossible. You're definitely
Speaker 1: you're definitely going to perhaps have two or three that
Speaker 1: really are quite significant, and sometimes they're pretty close. So
Speaker 1: for example, for me, my lowest love languages are quality
Speaker 1: time and words of affirmation, and they're both around twelve percent.
Speaker 1: If you haven't done it before, take five minutes. Now
Speaker 1: pause the podcast. I promise I'm not saying anything not
Speaker 1: interesting and completely quids. Just google five love languages. It's free,
Speaker 1: It's completely free, and answer intuitively. Don't think too much
Speaker 1: into it. That's how you'll get the most antique answer.
Speaker 1: But hold off reading too much into it right away,
Speaker 1: wait till the end of the episode. Then consider how
Speaker 1: much weight you want to give this. What's the merit
Speaker 1: you'd like to give this tool? A big question I
Speaker 1: kind of always wondered, maybe you're wondering it as well,
Speaker 1: is what is the most common love language? The founder
Speaker 1: of the quiz, he analyzed the results of I think
Speaker 1: over ten thousand people who took the quiz in two
Speaker 1: and ten, and he found that words of affirmation was
Speaker 1: the most popular language, but by really thin margin. And
Speaker 1: in two eighteen, the dating app Hinge, Yes, that's right,
Speaker 1: Hinge analyzed their app and found the most common love
Speaker 1: language was quality time by far, So there's been the
Speaker 1: shift in the last eight years. Between two and ten
Speaker 1: and two eighteen, Chapman found it was words of affirmation,
Speaker 1: and then when Hinge did it quality time, I think
Speaker 1: it was like two hundred percent higher the second option,
Speaker 1: which was actually words of affirmation, but by a long shot.
Speaker 1: And when I read this, I kind of found it
Speaker 1: equally parts funny and a little bit sad because these
Speaker 1: are my lowest by far, but also it's not something
Speaker 1: you can really change, and it's still possible to access
Speaker 1: those areas of expressing love, even if they are the
Speaker 1: most prominent or not the most prominent. Sorry, even if
Speaker 1: they're not the most prominent. Yeah, there we go. So
Speaker 1: diving further into this data collected by Hinge because I
Speaker 1: find this really fascinating, like a dating app doing psychological research.
Speaker 1: But they also assessed the differences in love languages between
Speaker 1: men and women using the app. So whilst quality time
Speaker 1: was the most common love language. Overall, there was some
Speaker 1: discrepancies between men and women and how they looked at
Speaker 1: the other love languages. So for men, have a guess
Speaker 1: which is the most second most important, it was physical touch,
Speaker 1: but for women it was words of affirmation, and that
Speaker 1: was pretty comfortably ahead the third option. Another thing they
Speaker 1: found which I'm really not quite sure what to read
Speaker 1: into this, Like I read it and I tried to
Speaker 1: find an explanation as to why this might be the case,
Speaker 1: but it's just probably a coincidence. But women who answered
Speaker 1: that acts of service was their love language of choice
Speaker 1: received seven times more likes than other women when you like,
Speaker 1: held everything else constant, really random, And it wasn't like
Speaker 1: they were putting this in their bio. It's like they
Speaker 1: used the app for a couple of months and then
Speaker 1: they were asked to take the love language quiz, and
Speaker 1: that's like, I'm just going to repeat that again. Women
Speaker 1: who answered acts of service for their love language of
Speaker 1: choice seven times more likes than other women. But I
Speaker 1: also personally think it depends a lot on gender, culture,
Speaker 1: customs values. So certain love languages, which are pretty prevalent
Speaker 1: in the West, might be less common in non Western cultures. So,
Speaker 1: for example, in South Asian cultures, directly praising someone is
Speaker 1: very uncomfortable and might not be well received. Instead, I
Speaker 1: read this article and it said that praising that person
Speaker 1: to a third party is more highly valuabled when they
Speaker 1: hear about what you said about them through the grapevine
Speaker 1: or through another person. Also, public displays of affection between
Speaker 1: romantic partners it might also be less accepted, whereas in
Speaker 1: Western cultures that kind of level of PDA it's much
Speaker 1: more accepted. I'm not really sure why. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to read too much into it, but it's just some
Speaker 1: findings and some kind of observations that some people have had.
Speaker 1: But love language they aren't just reserved for your romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: They can also be really important in other close loving
Speaker 1: relationships we have with our friends and our family. It
Speaker 1: can be really difficult and frustrating when we don't feel understood,
Speaker 1: regardless of the contexts, and that's the gap that love
Speaker 1: languages help bridge. By understanding how we feel seen and appreciated,
Speaker 1: and when we're able to accurately communicate that, we reduce
Speaker 1: the friction that comes from don't feel understood by those
Speaker 1: who are closest to us. However, as popular as the
Speaker 1: concept is, many many people have since pointed out some
Speaker 1: problems with Chapman's idea of just five love languages. Some
Speaker 1: people can maybe use this quiz this theory as a
Speaker 1: sort of personality test, despite the fact that the founder
Speaker 1: his whole point is that we're supposed to adapt ourselves
Speaker 1: to our partner's love language, not demand that they use ours.
Speaker 1: And when partners use the concept of love languages only
Speaker 1: as a way to talk about how they themselves instinctively
Speaker 1: express affection or what makes them personally feel loved, Chapman
Speaker 1: noted the idea can actually actively cause trouble in relationships.
Speaker 1: There's also this idea of people are very different. There's
Speaker 1: some people who are survivors of combat or sexual abuse, trauma,
Speaker 1: or people with autism spectrum disorders, for example. They're not
Speaker 1: going to respond well to partners who just insist on
Speaker 1: physical touch, as that's probably not what they want to do.
Speaker 1: And that's like kind of what Chapman was saying this
Speaker 1: whole time. It's not about demanding your love language, it's
Speaker 1: about adapting to the other persons. So do our love
Speaker 1: languages have to align for a relationship relationship to be
Speaker 1: successful or long term. Well, that's the question that's been
Speaker 1: asked quite a lot as well. And recent research revealed
Speaker 1: that couples who share the same love languages or their
Speaker 1: love languages are aligned and they're on the same wavelength,
Speaker 1: it doesn't exactly mean that they're going to have a
Speaker 1: more successful and happy relationship. It's not like the big
Speaker 1: secret here, it's not the antidote. It's just a component.
Speaker 1: Couples who shared the same love language, they just they
Speaker 1: weren't happier than couples who are differing styles. And that
Speaker 1: kind of suggests that mastering fluency over the love language
Speaker 1: system and adapting it based on what your partner needs
Speaker 1: in the moment is a lot more valuable than solely
Speaker 1: relying on a dominant love language type, which is what
Speaker 1: people who share the same love language would be doing.
Speaker 1: I think that kind of promotes codependency and it prevents
Speaker 1: partners from developing autonomy and authenticity. And you know, a
Speaker 1: relationship is a place for transformation and growth, and when
Speaker 1: we limit each other with a specific love language, we
Speaker 1: don't really allow room for change. And then if you
Speaker 1: also think about this, there might be times when you're
Speaker 1: just really busy, and if your partner's love language and
Speaker 1: your love language as acts of service and they're also busy,
Speaker 1: the whole thing kind of falls apart because neither of
Speaker 1: you can show love in that typical way. The broad concepts,
Speaker 1: when we lean on its practical simplicity, can also feel
Speaker 1: think a little bit too simplistic, since it is not
Speaker 1: completely inclusive of sexuality and culture trauma and generational differences.
Speaker 1: In many nuanced multicultural communities, there needs to be on
Speaker 1: an understanding that human relationships are a pretty complicated reflection
Speaker 1: of a lot of things, of childhood, wounds of attachment,
Speaker 1: of things that happened in the past. And I think
Speaker 1: it's only when you really are able to overcome that
Speaker 1: and kind of heal those ruins of past relationships and
Speaker 1: family and develop a healthy attachment style that love languages
Speaker 1: can become something that's prominent in how you treat others.
Speaker 1: And it might even be the case that your love
Speaker 1: language really significantly changes. Here's the other issue that we've mentioned,
Speaker 1: but I want to expand on it a bit further.
Speaker 1: It's this narrow idea that there are only five love languages,
Speaker 1: when there has been an abundance of further research that's
Speaker 1: shown there's so many more, and these will all very slightly,
Speaker 1: like we've said, with different cultures and demographics. So one
Speaker 1: research or in particular, she set out to modify the
Speaker 1: love languages that were initially created or listed by Chapman.
Speaker 1: This is what you have to say. So she saw
Speaker 1: from the data that as gender norms in particular have changed,
Speaker 1: the expectations we have for our romantic relationships have become
Speaker 1: very different from the late eighties. For heterosexual couples in particular,
Speaker 1: the division of labor across gender lines is no longer
Speaker 1: kind of neatly circumscribed, leading to kind of an expansion
Speaker 1: of what we expect from our partners. Let's dive into
Speaker 1: this further. So, as an example, in Chapman's book, he
Speaker 1: consistently frames kind of a man doing housework as helping
Speaker 1: his wife out. He kind of suggests that that is
Speaker 1: an act of service. Doing an equal part of housework
Speaker 1: is an act of service. Not to mention, there is
Speaker 1: multiple anecdotes in his book from husbands who have you
Speaker 1: succeeded and they bring round a paycheck, they do the dishes,
Speaker 1: and they're baffled when their partners want them to do more.
Speaker 1: While these attitudes you know of this gender division of
Speaker 1: labor and financial means aren't totally behind us. I think
Speaker 1: the error when you know this is the error, I guess.
Speaker 1: And most women earn as much or sometimes more than
Speaker 1: their male partners, and most couples expect to bring more
Speaker 1: of themselves to a partnership. And also there is no
Speaker 1: longer this traditional idea that women do the housework. Men
Speaker 1: bring from the money. And when men do the housework,
Speaker 1: it's an act of service. It's just expected. Now. If
Speaker 1: a man was like to me, oh, I did the dishes,
Speaker 1: and you know that's how I showed my love for you,
Speaker 1: I'd be like, no, that's just we both ate the
Speaker 1: same meal, Like, of course you're gonna do the fucking
Speaker 1: dishes if I cook. It's just splitting labor. Evenly, it's
Speaker 1: not love. So because of this woman's kind of observations,
Speaker 1: she's created a new set of love languages. There's not five,
Speaker 1: there's seven this time. Here's what they are. So the
Speaker 1: first is activity. So these people feel special, special and
Speaker 1: valued when their partner actually takes an interest in their
Speaker 1: hobbies and their activities, even more so, those who resonate
Speaker 1: most with the activity love language. They feel especially valued
Speaker 1: when their partner makes an effort to enjoy these hobbies
Speaker 1: and interest with them. You know, like I always found
Speaker 1: it so meaningful with friends, because, as we've said, it's
Speaker 1: not just romantic partners, but when my friends join me
Speaker 1: in doing something that I really love, like when they
Speaker 1: come on the podcast, or when we go to an
Speaker 1: art class together or we go for a hike, it's
Speaker 1: just so meaningful to me. The second is appreciation. So
Speaker 1: people who feel the appreciation love language applies to most
Speaker 1: to them will feel really loved and adored when their
Speaker 1: partner showers them in compliments, in praises and appreciation when
Speaker 1: they're told I love you. This is pretty similar to
Speaker 1: words of affirmation. These people they like being told explicitly
Speaker 1: that they're admired and loved, and this makes them feel
Speaker 1: really understood. Here's the next one. We're two down, five
Speaker 1: to go. Emotional emotional love language will resonate with many
Speaker 1: of those who feel as though they can connect with
Speaker 1: their partner and be supported even in the toughest of times.
Speaker 1: Partners who present during the worst and best moments will
Speaker 1: feel really valued by someone with an emotional love language financial.
Speaker 1: This is the first one that's quite different from Chapman's
Speaker 1: original love languages, and it's kind of been adapted because
Speaker 1: of what we saw now as that shift in earnings,
Speaker 1: that shift in labor. So a person who feels loved
Speaker 1: when they have a partner who is generous with their
Speaker 1: money and sees the value in giving is someone with
Speaker 1: a financial love language. This doesn't have to come from gifts.
Speaker 1: It might be that you pay for dinner, it might
Speaker 1: be that you pay more of the bills. The way
Speaker 1: these people feel valued and appreciated will mostly be through
Speaker 1: gifts or resources. And just a reminder, they don't have
Speaker 1: to be expensive or lavish, they just have to be
Speaker 1: well meaning. Here's another new one, intellectual. And I really
Speaker 1: like this love language. I think that a lot of
Speaker 1: us can relate to it, and it was quite surprising
Speaker 1: to me that Chapman didn't include it in his initial lifts.
Speaker 1: So people with the intellectual love language, they like to
Speaker 1: connect through the mind. Oh my god, what's that sexuality
Speaker 1: type where you fall in love with someone's ideas and
Speaker 1: their mind. I can't remember. Message me if you remember,
Speaker 1: or I'll google it. They can find out together. But
Speaker 1: people with intellectual love language, they feel loved when their
Speaker 1: partner values their intelligence, When your partner wants to have
Speaker 1: engaging conversations with you, when they respect your opinion and
Speaker 1: they take part in kind of thoughtful discussions of important issues.
Speaker 1: It's the person who feels loved when their partner is
Speaker 1: willing to have a debate and disagree with them for
Speaker 1: the sake of an intellectual conversation. Physical We've already talked
Speaker 1: about this. It's physical touch. It's feeling adored and validated
Speaker 1: through physical affection. It's the same as Chapman's one and
Speaker 1: then the final and the seventh love language in this
Speaker 1: adapted kind of model is practical. People with the practical
Speaker 1: love language feel the most loved when their partners chip
Speaker 1: in with their everyday duties and responsibilities. They feel cared
Speaker 1: for when their loved ones do the chores and offer
Speaker 1: to help. We can see that there are you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of these are kind of similar to Chapman's
Speaker 1: original theory. But it's that addition of these actual love languages,
Speaker 1: intellectual and financial in particular, that I think encompasses more
Speaker 1: people who may not previously have operated or fit into
Speaker 1: the traditional framework. By using a more updated, diverse sample
Speaker 1: this woman, she was able to create a new system
Speaker 1: or tool that I think is more applicable to modern
Speaker 1: day settings and modern day relationships. And you know, since
Speaker 1: the original five love languages were created, relationships have evolved
Speaker 1: from you know what used to be a mostly practical
Speaker 1: partnership based on efficient division of labor and raising children,
Speaker 1: to a more spiritual and personal connection that we have
Speaker 1: higher expectations for. We don't just want to come home
Speaker 1: to someone who will bring home a paycheck or help
Speaker 1: us with chores. We want this person to help us
Speaker 1: kind of achieve our best selves. And there are also
Speaker 1: more accepted types of relationships now, like open relationships or polyamory,
Speaker 1: in which aspects like financial and intellectual love might be
Speaker 1: more central. You know, yeah, I don't really know how
Speaker 1: to explain this, but it kind of made sense to me,
Speaker 1: especially that financial and those financial and intellectual components. You
Speaker 1: might be able to get words of affirmation and physical
Speaker 1: touch from someone else, but the person waiting for you
Speaker 1: at home might be the person you really relate to intellectually,
Speaker 1: and too, you have kind of a financial promise too,
Speaker 1: and that is love that is a form of love.
Speaker 1: I think in general, it's also important to note that
Speaker 1: you shouldn't just use love languages as kind of a
Speaker 1: universal solve to like remedy issues. It's clear that we
Speaker 1: do need more of a skill set than those, you know,
Speaker 1: than just five ways, five tools, maybe even seven to
Speaker 1: face the problems that may exist below the surface of
Speaker 1: our relationship, you know, maybe going to therapy, working on yourself,
Speaker 1: fixing your own problems. That's also a form of love
Speaker 1: that doesn't really fit into any of the ones that
Speaker 1: we've talked about. When we use a quiz on the
Speaker 1: internet to tell us something definitive about ourselves, it's not
Speaker 1: always going to be one hundred percent accurate. I don't
Speaker 1: need to tell you that, and I don't think it
Speaker 1: should be taken entirely literally as well. And that's kind
Speaker 1: of Chapman's main's point. In doing so, you kind of
Speaker 1: detract from his true intentions. And his intention was to
Speaker 1: create a tool, an informational tool to help partners communicate
Speaker 1: and understand each other better, rather than kind of narrow
Speaker 1: the ways in which they show that they care. That's
Speaker 1: kind of the end of what we have today. A
Speaker 1: shorter episode, but short and sweet, and it was really
Speaker 1: interesting looking into this. I found it, you know, quite insightful,
Speaker 1: especially now you know that I'm not dating anyone or
Speaker 1: anything like that. I was doing the love language quiz
Speaker 1: and I realized that since the last time I did it,
Speaker 1: which was when I was last in a relationship, it's
Speaker 1: changed so much. Like I realize, I think my love
Speaker 1: languages had kind of adapted to the other person, and
Speaker 1: now that I'm able to refocus on myself, I kind
Speaker 1: of realized that some of the things that they were
Speaker 1: giving to me perhaps weren't actually what I wanted. So
Speaker 1: it's interesting to do that now versus when I'm in
Speaker 1: a relationship. And if you haven't done it, you should
Speaker 1: do it. It's if you're not dating someone, you should
Speaker 1: still do it. It's like I said, great for relating
Speaker 1: to your family, great for relating to your friends as well.
Speaker 1: Like I know, for me personally, I love giving my
Speaker 1: friends gifts, but I feel weird when they give them
Speaker 1: to me, and I would much rather, you know, quality
Speaker 1: time or like a frequent message or something like that
Speaker 1: then acts than an act of service or something. It's
Speaker 1: good to kind of understand that about your friendships and
Speaker 1: your family. Those relationships are also important. It's not just
Speaker 1: your romantic partner that should be the most prominent. But
Speaker 1: thank you again for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 1: I'm going to do my basic spiel now, you know,
Speaker 1: saying all the things I usually say blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: If you'd like to review this podcast on Apple podcast
Speaker 1: on Spotify, I would greatly appreciate it. No one, all seriousness.
Speaker 1: It really does help the podcast grow, and it's just
Speaker 1: me doing this. It takes a while to write these episodes.
Speaker 1: It only takes like four hours to make one, and
Speaker 1: it's all kind of worth it when I get a
Speaker 1: nice review or something like that. So if you are
Speaker 1: getting something out of this, I would really appreciate it,
Speaker 1: and make sure to follow. I always say us, but
Speaker 1: it is just me on Instagram on Facebook, although I
Speaker 1: don't really use it. But if you feel the need
Speaker 1: and subscribe, there we go. There's my three list of demands.
Speaker 1: Thank you and tune in. Next week. We're going to
Speaker 1: talk about situation ships. Boy or boy. I was in
Speaker 1: a situations situationship for seven months this year and last year,
Speaker 1: and let me tell you that fucked me up, so
Speaker 1: I have so much to talk about. I've been researching
Speaker 1: my little butt off to get some good content into
Speaker 1: the years of all thou who are listening, So tune
Speaker 1: in for that and have a lovely, lovely week. Thank you.