Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of your Twenties,
Speaker 1: very unprofessional podcast, where by eye your unqualified guide talk
Speaker 1: through some of the big changes and transitions of our
Speaker 1: twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Okay, so
Speaker 1: welcome back. I'm recording this episode in my car in
Speaker 1: my backyard today just because do you know how it
Speaker 1: is lockdown or my housemates at home, I don't really
Speaker 1: want to annoy them with my ranting about this week's topic.
Speaker 1: It also means if you hear like some beautiful bird noises,
Speaker 1: hopefully it brings something to the ambience. It's very snow
Speaker 1: white esque. Okay, let's get into it. So this episode
Speaker 1: is probably my absolute favorite I have ever recorded. And
Speaker 1: don't don't get me wrong, I really have loved all
Speaker 1: the other topics that I've covered, but I think that
Speaker 1: none have kind of struck me so personally as this one.
Speaker 1: And it's really hit a bit of a raw nerve honestly,
Speaker 1: like researching theirs thinking about this because currently, if you
Speaker 1: don't know, Gambra is in lockdown due to the Delta strain,
Speaker 1: as as many parts of Australia. Thanks Sydney for that one.
Speaker 1: But as much as it has created some existential dread,
Speaker 1: it's also given me a lot of thinking time and
Speaker 1: reflection time. And something that I've been really thinking about
Speaker 1: a lot in this period of isolation is unrequired. It's
Speaker 1: unrequited love. I posted about this on my Instagram, I think,
Speaker 1: maybe like a week ago, and overwhelmingly people really wanted
Speaker 1: to hear about the psychological underpinnings of this experience. You know,
Speaker 1: a love that is unrequired and unreciprocated is such a
Speaker 1: universal and shared experience, and I think it's such a
Speaker 1: consuming one too. You know, it suffocates all else in
Speaker 1: our minds, and it extends beyond reason and rationality in
Speaker 1: so many ways, just by all acknowledgement. You know that
Speaker 1: someone does not love you back, we cannot help but
Speaker 1: pine and suffer after them. And as a repeated victim
Speaker 1: of this love sick situation, I really kind of wanted
Speaker 1: to uncover some of the hidden psychological secrets, maybe behind
Speaker 1: why we develop strong feelings for those who could never
Speaker 1: reciprocate those feelings back. Now, I feel like I don't
Speaker 1: really need to explain how unrequited love relates to our twenties. Like,
Speaker 1: let's not kid ourselves and Spotify. It gives me a
Speaker 1: little wrap up of the ages or demographics of people
Speaker 1: who listen each week, and overwhelmingly are as. You know,
Speaker 1: the title of my podcast could probably predict. The majority
Speaker 1: of you are in your twenties, and I'm sure are
Speaker 1: very familiar with this feeling, that fucking gut wrenching feeling
Speaker 1: of having these insanely strong emotions and expectations of someone
Speaker 1: who will never you know, could never return them, and
Speaker 1: the pain the confusion of unrequited love. I think it
Speaker 1: is its own psychological challenge. And if you know you
Speaker 1: say you've never experienced unrequited love, well, firstly, this episode
Speaker 1: is not for your ears. Please kindly leave. This is
Speaker 1: a safe space. But secondly, I think I think you're
Speaker 1: probably lying to yourself. You know, I refuse to believe
Speaker 1: that there is someone out there who has only ever
Speaker 1: loved those who has loved them back in equal measure.
Speaker 1: It's impossible, like psychology literally says it's impossible, which will
Speaker 1: obviously get to in a moment. Anyhow, Like I mentioned,
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about unrequired love quite a lot in
Speaker 1: this time of lockdown. You know, I kind of used
Speaker 1: to semi joke that I came out of the room
Speaker 1: in a state of unrequited love, and I still slightly
Speaker 1: believe it. You know, it feels weird to share this
Speaker 1: insanely personal dimension of my life, but fuck it, I
Speaker 1: think it is a universal human experience that needs to
Speaker 1: be shared. And for a long time, unrequired love really
Speaker 1: did define much of the narrative I would tell about myself.
Speaker 1: You know, the men I was so in love with,
Speaker 1: so devoted to so it had so much admiration for
Speaker 1: who would never reciprocate. It was such and I think
Speaker 1: still is a fundamental part of my experience with love,
Speaker 1: or maybe my misguided interpretation of what is I. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't really feel any shame in saying that, especially
Speaker 1: through some of my investigative work for this podcast, I
Speaker 1: do think, you know, you never really escape the ego
Speaker 1: wound of loving someone who doesn't love you, and there's
Speaker 1: a part of your soul and your self conception that
Speaker 1: does not forget that hurt. It's a wound that really
Speaker 1: does cut deep into your psyche, and it becomes ingrained
Speaker 1: into you, and it does become part of how you
Speaker 1: address all future experiences of emotion and feeling because it
Speaker 1: is it's bigger than rejection. You know, unrequited love is
Speaker 1: is not just rejection, it is heartbreak itself, and a
Speaker 1: lot of research into how our brain reacts to human
Speaker 1: connection really does confirm this. There have been so many
Speaker 1: people who I have believed I have loved and who
Speaker 1: have not loved me back. You know, one of them
Speaker 1: is even married now. And there are times, especially in
Speaker 1: this recent week, strangely, when you know I have had
Speaker 1: time to reflect on that emotional experience, that I do
Speaker 1: feel these like strainly old urges and the pain of
Speaker 1: longing kind of slipped back into my consciousness, despite knowing
Speaker 1: very well that this is not something that will ever
Speaker 1: come to fruition. You know, he's married, Like, it's never
Speaker 1: going to happen. So why is it that our brain
Speaker 1: reacts so irrationally when we are confronted with these feelings
Speaker 1: and expectations. And what I really wanted to find out
Speaker 1: in this episode is if that is really love? Like
Speaker 1: all those intense emotional experiences, are we correct in labeling
Speaker 1: them as love? Even unrequited love or love of a
Speaker 1: lesser degree. So, like I said, a highly personal episode,
Speaker 1: but I think you know, I've always said this podcast
Speaker 1: was for my own self exploration, and if you get
Speaker 1: something out of it, if you connect to my stories
Speaker 1: of you know, always being the one who has more
Speaker 1: to give than I could ever receive, I'm glad that
Speaker 1: you can get something out of it. And I feel
Speaker 1: like I've talked to my friends about this so often.
Speaker 1: You know, this is probably time for an immense shout
Speaker 1: out to my friends like Kate and Aaron, friends of
Speaker 1: the show, who I think for years have witnessed me
Speaker 1: becoming overly invested in silly little men and then crying
Speaker 1: on their shoulder a month later. But I always hear
Speaker 1: the same line of reasoning for this predicament. You know,
Speaker 1: it's always you love too much, you care too deeply,
Speaker 1: you see the best in everyone, you have so much
Speaker 1: to give. And this episode is really dedicated to raising
Speaker 1: that myth that only those who have this surge capacity
Speaker 1: to feel end up in a predicament of unrequired love.
Speaker 1: Like make no mistake, unrequired love has an origin in
Speaker 1: our formative experiences and how we've been taught to expect
Speaker 1: rewards and returns from our expression of emotion, and unrequited
Speaker 1: love can occur because our mind is simply hijacked or
Speaker 1: programmed to respond to what we interpret as love in
Speaker 1: a very specific way and beyond a level of consciousness.
Speaker 1: So okay, with that kind of fun thought in mind,
Speaker 1: let's jump into the psychology of it all. I once
Speaker 1: had someone tell me that unrequited love was the purest
Speaker 1: form of love, and despite that being kind of highly
Speaker 1: manipulated for the situation that we were in. This was
Speaker 1: years ago, like four or five years ago, and what
Speaker 1: he has said has stuck with me because his sentiment
Speaker 1: is absolutely everywhere. But whether it's correct it is probably
Speaker 1: a whole nother debate. You know, there's that quote that
Speaker 1: all poets must have an unrequited love, and true love
Speaker 1: is that which we can never meet. And we see
Speaker 1: unrequired love showing up everywhere in pop culture and mediate performances, movies,
Speaker 1: you know, call me by your name, Great Gatsby, obviously,
Speaker 1: folks of being a wallflower, even Forrest Gump. It is
Speaker 1: such a deep inspiration for a lot of creative works
Speaker 1: like like music and arn't as well, and oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: that there's that one, this one song that always gets
Speaker 1: me when I find myself in these situations as they
Speaker 1: regularly do. It's Adele's version of I Can't make you
Speaker 1: Love me. And if you are currently experiencing I love
Speaker 1: that is unrequired, unrequired, run requited, listen to that song,
Speaker 1: feel your pain, and take it as a sign to
Speaker 1: move the fuck on, because if you are listening to Adele,
Speaker 1: they are not the one. They are just not it.
Speaker 1: But in all seriousness, it is a really beautiful song.
Speaker 1: And I think the repeated theme of unrequired love across
Speaker 1: a lot of creative media really expresses two things that
Speaker 1: relate to the psychological underpinnings of this concept. You know, Firstly,
Speaker 1: the experience is universal and has some innate premise that
Speaker 1: makes it so commonplace. You know, as I've kind of
Speaker 1: alluded to, everyone has experienced this. We all tend to
Speaker 1: make other people sacred in the absence of true emotional connection.
Speaker 1: You know, placing someone on a pedestal is better than
Speaker 1: acknowledging that we have been shortsighted in essentially worthshiping someone
Speaker 1: that's really not worth our time. I think very few
Speaker 1: of us can rationalize desire and can rationalize wanting someone
Speaker 1: who does not love or want you back. And I'll
Speaker 1: go more into this later. But a love that is unrequired, unrequired,
Speaker 1: it is very much tied to our brain chemistry. It's
Speaker 1: tied to reinforcement and behaviorist theories as well as attachment
Speaker 1: style as well, which I think is often must you know,
Speaker 1: really misunderstood, but does greatly contribute to this experience. And essentially,
Speaker 1: there are core aspects of the human psyche that inexplicably
Speaker 1: lend themselves to experiencing unrequired love, even it's from even
Speaker 1: if it's you know, from a distance, but you know,
Speaker 1: I think, as I'm sure we all know it's it
Speaker 1: is often experienced for those who we do have somewhat
Speaker 1: of an emotional or pre existing sexual or physical connection with. Secondly,
Speaker 1: from how this experience is portrayed as romantic as a
Speaker 1: powerful force, we can see that unrequited love is somewhat
Speaker 1: glorified by our society in a kind of an unnecessary way.
Speaker 1: And I definitely want to talk more about why I
Speaker 1: find this interpretation so incorrect later on, because I think
Speaker 1: although we romanticize the suffering and grief of longing of
Speaker 1: not being loved back, it is actually a really fucking
Speaker 1: terrible feeling. And can we even call that love? You know,
Speaker 1: feeling that is that painful in many ways, is it
Speaker 1: right to kind of combine that with something that is
Speaker 1: meant to be as beautiful as love? And I think
Speaker 1: the romanticization of unrequired love also relates greatly to our
Speaker 1: glorification of things that are beautiful, particularly art. And as
Speaker 1: that quote I cided before, kind of captured, we have
Speaker 1: this preconception or idea that pain lends itself so fully
Speaker 1: to creative expression and feeling human in a way that
Speaker 1: few other emotional experiences let us do. And much life,
Speaker 1: grief and death, the absence of love is such a
Speaker 1: moving experience that we must glorify it because of what
Speaker 1: it produces artistically and create lee. But the pain and
Speaker 1: discover and discomfort of you know, it's not something to
Speaker 1: be understated. From a psychological perspective, that feeling of hurt
Speaker 1: that is associated with something deeper than rejection. It does
Speaker 1: cause long term shifts in neural pathways, our schemes of
Speaker 1: the world, and how we learn to interpret people's actions
Speaker 1: as either threats or as encouragement. And before we dive
Speaker 1: into this, I do think we firstly need to talk
Speaker 1: about the origins of unrequired love. You know, I've mentioned
Speaker 1: that I do believe it's a universal experience, and it's
Speaker 1: often given this beautiful, honey gold tint to it, longing
Speaker 1: for someone who may have no interest in you, or
Speaker 1: or maybe someone else does seem really beautiful at face value.
Speaker 1: But then why do these feelings emerge if we know
Speaker 1: that they are a logical and contradict how we may
Speaker 1: see ourselves as self reliant and independent. You know, That's
Speaker 1: something I often find is I have these feelings of
Speaker 1: unrequited love for someone I think I really care about them.
Speaker 1: You know, you can become obsessed with them, But at
Speaker 1: the same time, there's this contradictory voice in my head saying,
Speaker 1: you know, you don't need them if they don't you know.
Speaker 1: The phrase that my friend Aaron always uses is like
Speaker 1: the egg doesn't chase the sperm, Like if they don't
Speaker 1: like you back, that does create kind of a cognitive dissonance,
Speaker 1: with this sense that you are this independent person who
Speaker 1: who will survive without them. Okay. I have a few
Speaker 1: theories around this, obviously, which is like I'm making this podcast,
Speaker 1: But firstly, unrequited love it serves a purpose as an
Speaker 1: emotional curtain or a distraction from the real issues that
Speaker 1: we may be experiencing, you know, external to these feelings
Speaker 1: of desire. It can act as a substitute and a
Speaker 1: substitute emotional trial almost for the real underlying issues that
Speaker 1: are afflicting our ego. And I can definitely relate to this.
Speaker 1: I remember even recently an episode of love that was
Speaker 1: unrequired that I've been through with some guy I've been
Speaker 1: talking to for months, and you know, yeah, I started
Speaker 1: developing feelings for him that the obviously weren't reciprocated, But
Speaker 1: there was some small part of my brain that was
Speaker 1: almost grateful I had this person to preoccupy my mind with,
Speaker 1: because it meant that I could have a mental reprieve
Speaker 1: from thinking about the bigger issues that were going on.
Speaker 1: You know, I really remember it was almost like a
Speaker 1: conscious sigh of relief, like thank God, you've come along
Speaker 1: and fucked with my feelings because now I can project
Speaker 1: all this other shit onto you, and you can kind
Speaker 1: of be like a little thought vacation from the reality
Speaker 1: and then the past that I have to heal from.
Speaker 1: So if your mind is preoccupied with thoughts of another person,
Speaker 1: admiration for them, and fantasies of you, know what it
Speaker 1: could be like if your feelings were reciprocated, as well
Speaker 1: as that emotional discomfort of the what ifs, That is
Speaker 1: like the ultimate distraction from other aspects of your life
Speaker 1: that may be causing insecurity or general unhappiness. You know,
Speaker 1: our brain and our mind is at all times looking
Speaker 1: towards self preservation, and investing your pain in someone else
Speaker 1: is an excellent distraction and allows your brain to move
Speaker 1: away from other persistent thought patterns, perhaps about past loves
Speaker 1: in my case that's what it was, or even aspects
Speaker 1: of your life that are entirely unrelated. You know, unrequited
Speaker 1: love for a short while does serve as a substitute
Speaker 1: or a distraction. Okay, but it's it's obviously I think,
Speaker 1: more than just a coping mechanism for or other aspects
Speaker 1: of your life that you might not be happy with.
Speaker 1: Another theory, which is a more learning based theory, suggests
Speaker 1: that these unreciprocated feelings and this pattern of sinking deep
Speaker 1: into emotions for someone who's obviously unavailable, comes from a
Speaker 1: pattern of past love, perhaps starting early in life, that
Speaker 1: has taught you to crave what is being withdrawn and
Speaker 1: held back and on the flip side, it makes you
Speaker 1: scared of love that is obvious and available. You don't
Speaker 1: simply fall for people because of an innate weakness or
Speaker 1: a personality characteristic, but because it is a pathological pattern
Speaker 1: of behavior that you've been taught, especially from formative experiences,
Speaker 1: maybe like a first love, or from observing others like
Speaker 1: your parents, all those around you. So this experience and
Speaker 1: seeing these things creates memory roots in your mind that
Speaker 1: are associated with a particular feeling or reaction in this scenario,
Speaker 1: a feeling that is akin to what we believe is love.
Speaker 1: So for example, you know, say the first person you
Speaker 1: ever loved or dated was really inconsistent with how they
Speaker 1: showed or affection, or they would say things that contradicted
Speaker 1: their actions, like saying that they loved you and then
Speaker 1: showing little physical intimacy or few acts that actually reflected
Speaker 1: that love. You know, they had it, they had the
Speaker 1: words for it, but they weren't able to kind of
Speaker 1: demonstrate that they did have these feelings, you know, but
Speaker 1: they call it love, and you assume that's love. So
Speaker 1: in the future, when you have feelings for someone who
Speaker 1: reacts in a similar way, that's love to you. You
Speaker 1: convince yourself of the possibility that, you know, what is
Speaker 1: one sided. Quite obviously, it may actually be more nuance
Speaker 1: like no wonder, you'll be attracted to people who are
Speaker 1: similarly withdrawn or in some cases just like blatantly uninterested.
Speaker 1: Because our brain is confused, It's programmed in some way
Speaker 1: to take ambiguous situations or situations even of ambivalence from
Speaker 1: another person. Reflect back on those early experiences of love
Speaker 1: and match these experiences. You see those similarities and result
Speaker 1: this kind of results in a cycle of feeling of
Speaker 1: emotion of care that is, you know, really unsatisfying and
Speaker 1: probably often one sided because well you know, obviously you
Speaker 1: continuously fixate on people who are not interested. Love that
Speaker 1: is available, on the other hand, may be scary because
Speaker 1: it doesn't match your pre existing and internal conception of
Speaker 1: what that feeling should look like. It kind of all
Speaker 1: comes down to what we expect love and relationships to
Speaker 1: appear like. And this also connects to attachment styles which
Speaker 1: I alluded to earlier, you know, getting stuck in the
Speaker 1: loop or repetition of consuming you know, crushes and unrequired love.
Speaker 1: This kind of signals towards a fearful avoid and attachment style,
Speaker 1: which is in contrast with something like secure attachment. So
Speaker 1: let's break down break this down a little bit because
Speaker 1: I know attachment style gets talked about quite a lot,
Speaker 1: but what do they actually mean? Okay, so these four
Speaker 1: attachment styles. So yeah, there are four attachment styles, one
Speaker 1: of which really relates to unrequited love, and then there's
Speaker 1: a kind of two that are in the middle, and
Speaker 1: then there's one that's you know, secure attachment, and that's
Speaker 1: kind of we'll start with that one. Secure attachment is
Speaker 1: like the gold standard. Like, if you want to pick
Speaker 1: an attachment style, you probably want to pick this one.
Speaker 1: You know, people with this attachment style they have basically
Speaker 1: they have the ability to form secure, loving relationships. You
Speaker 1: know who doesn't want that. They're not afraid of intimacy,
Speaker 1: and they're able to depend on others without becoming you know,
Speaker 1: totally dependent on that person. They're also better able to
Speaker 1: recognize when someone is not interested and remove themselves. So
Speaker 1: it's kind of in the name secure attachment style. These
Speaker 1: people they're secure and how love is shown and their
Speaker 1: interpretations of love, and they can reciprocate but also receive.
Speaker 1: So next we have anxious attachment. This is marked by
Speaker 1: like a deep fear of abandonment and clinging behavior. And
Speaker 1: then we have avoidant or dismissive, which I think is
Speaker 1: probably like the shittiest or the second shittiest form of
Speaker 1: attachment style someone can have. So essentially, what this attachment
Speaker 1: style means is you just have a fear of intimacy
Speaker 1: and you really just avoid getting close to anyone. People
Speaker 1: with this dismissive and ambivalent, avoidant, whatever you want to
Speaker 1: call an attachment style, they're more likely to have relationships
Speaker 1: whereby one party is just highly emotionally unavailable and they
Speaker 1: really prefer to be independent. Finally, we have fearful avoidant
Speaker 1: attachment style, and this is kind of a combination of
Speaker 1: anxious and avoidant attachment styles. So people with fearful avoidant
Speaker 1: they desperately crave affection, but they also want to avoid
Speaker 1: it at all costs. This is kind of why it's
Speaker 1: also known as disorganized attachment, and it is associated with
Speaker 1: significant psychological and unrelational risks, you know, including a greater
Speaker 1: greater likelihood of a repetition or pattern of unrequired obsessions
Speaker 1: and unrequired love. And this style it's developed in the
Speaker 1: formative years of a person's life, and it's highly dependent
Speaker 1: on the responses and the nature of their bond with
Speaker 1: their primary primary caregiver, so usually their mother or their father,
Speaker 1: and the kind of bonding one has with their primary
Speaker 1: caretaker in their formative years goes on to define their
Speaker 1: attachment style. So someone with fearful avoidant probably had a
Speaker 1: parent or maybe an early relationship in which love was
Speaker 1: shown inconsistently and perhaps combined with a viole or manipulation
Speaker 1: or emotional abuse. And it may also then the flip
Speaker 1: side of that may be that a lot of love
Speaker 1: bombing may have taken place in response. So the person
Speaker 1: where it's a first boyfriend or girlfriend or a parent,
Speaker 1: they withdraw a love, they combine love with manipulation, and
Speaker 1: then they also you know, overwhelm you with love when
Speaker 1: they feel guilty. So this person kind of learns to
Speaker 1: crave a love that is withheld, but it's also fearful
Speaker 1: of feelings that are obvious and apparent because they indicate,
Speaker 1: you know, something else coming along, and this kind of
Speaker 1: leads to this cycle of unrequired love. Okay, obviously this
Speaker 1: is not the only answer, you know. I've pointed out
Speaker 1: multiple times the University universality of this experience. So there
Speaker 1: is another element, and it's not just those with fearful
Speaker 1: avoidant who would find themselves in this situation, because this
Speaker 1: attachment style only makes up four percent of the population.
Speaker 1: And if the statement I'm making it and I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure I would be right, like most people have experienced
Speaker 1: unrequited love. You know, if only four percent of the
Speaker 1: population is fearful avoidant, this assumption that it's just because
Speaker 1: of your attachment style is obviously incorrect. So another theory
Speaker 1: put forward is that unrequited love also has a lot
Speaker 1: to do with sunk costs and variable reward and you know,
Speaker 1: self delusion as well. So if you like someone and
Speaker 1: you've built this image of a future with them or
Speaker 1: a fantasy in which they play a role, you have
Speaker 1: invested in the notion that they are a good person
Speaker 1: and someone who is worth your time. We often will
Speaker 1: also make the mistake of viewing everything they do with
Speaker 1: rose tinted classes and giving their actions a lot more
Speaker 1: meaning than they probably deserve. So in this way, it's
Speaker 1: hard to break away from those feelings because of sunk costs. Essentially,
Speaker 1: we've already spent emotional capital on this person and time
Speaker 1: that cannot be recovered, and we have already metaphorically spent
Speaker 1: this emotional currency. We don't want that to go to waste,
Speaker 1: so we continue to pursue them, either in our minds
Speaker 1: or externally, because we want these sunk costs to have
Speaker 1: some output or a positive consequence for us. We don't
Speaker 1: want to lose that investment of time and energy and
Speaker 1: thought that we've placed in that person. Secondly, when we
Speaker 1: are experiencing love that is unrequired, we also have to
Speaker 1: consider variable rewards. So the use of variable rewards, it's
Speaker 1: more of like an economic term, but it's often used
Speaker 1: in marketing, But variable reward it's used in gambling all
Speaker 1: the time because it's a pattern of reinforcement that is
Speaker 1: just scientifically proven to be the easiest way to get
Speaker 1: someone hooked to an activity. So essentially, your behavior is
Speaker 1: rewarded on a schedule that is impossible to predict. So
Speaker 1: with gambling, you know, it's the best example because you
Speaker 1: just never know when you're going to get a jackpot
Speaker 1: or when you're going to get your money back. So
Speaker 1: in regards to relationships, for example, you know you text
Speaker 1: someone and sometimes they leave you on red for like days,
Speaker 1: and other times they're super in foods and they get
Speaker 1: back to you quickly, but it's impossible to tell when
Speaker 1: each response may occur. So think about it this in
Speaker 1: the case of unrequited love. You know, you have these
Speaker 1: feelings for a person, and occasionally that person may accidentally
Speaker 1: or maybe purposely reinforce them by hanging out with you,
Speaker 1: laughing with you, reaching out And every time we try
Speaker 1: and pull away and be reasonable or realistic about our feelings,
Speaker 1: this variable reward schedule kind of stinks us back into it.
Speaker 1: It's really difficult to escape. So we are really good
Speaker 1: at convincing ourselves of the things that we want to believe.
Speaker 1: So self delusion is, like I kind of said, there's
Speaker 1: also a huge part of unrequired love, you know, the
Speaker 1: fantasy that one day this person might change their mind,
Speaker 1: turn around, confess their feelings. It's really self soothing for
Speaker 1: a lot of those different reasons that I've mentioned, And
Speaker 1: often it is that person who is the most unavailable,
Speaker 1: which is why we become hooked, because it is their
Speaker 1: unwillingness to acknowledge you as a sexual or romantic partner
Speaker 1: that keeps you in a state of expectancy and longing,
Speaker 1: and this may especially be the case for those who
Speaker 1: are high achievers or those who have big ambitions. You know,
Speaker 1: we are so often told that if it was easy,
Speaker 1: everyone would have it, So you want the thing that
Speaker 1: is most unattainable, so you subconsciously go after the least
Speaker 1: available person because to win them would be just the
Speaker 1: biggest hit of self endorsement. So I think it really
Speaker 1: does go without saying. There is just a lot of
Speaker 1: insecurity and an unrequired love, And the thing that really
Speaker 1: does keep us hooked is the notion that one day
Speaker 1: things could change. What we ultimately are seeking is love
Speaker 1: and to be cared for and acknowledged and seen. And
Speaker 1: love is a social value, perhaps one of the most important.
Speaker 1: No other idea or feeling in history is as revered
Speaker 1: as love. But the way this concept, this larger than
Speaker 1: life emotion is displayed in our culture is really contradictory.
Speaker 1: And I think it's what contributes to this admiration of
Speaker 1: unrequired love, because there are these two distinct displays or
Speaker 1: depictions of love in our society that are so so
Speaker 1: very different, but they're equally admired, And I think this
Speaker 1: is what contributes to these confused feelings around reciprocation. So firstly,
Speaker 1: we see love as this stable, mutual, enduring force that
Speaker 1: it is comfortable and safe. This is often associated, you know,
Speaker 1: with long term relationships and ideas of marriage and long
Speaker 1: term couples. But on the other side of the coin,
Speaker 1: we are also taught to see love as this burning,
Speaker 1: electric desire, you know, characterized by butterflies and intensity and
Speaker 1: full of longing and hope and you know, just oh
Speaker 1: my god, it's someone's painful, like you just love them.
Speaker 1: It's nothing you can do to control it. And these
Speaker 1: two depictions they essentially make up our romance culture and
Speaker 1: it creates this like Madonnahore complex, but for love, whereby
Speaker 1: you have to have both. You have to be in
Speaker 1: pursuit of what is stable, but also constantly in a
Speaker 1: state of this all consuming electric feeling. And our idea
Speaker 1: of love as a society is so fucked in that way.
Speaker 1: You know, it creates such an internal confusion because if
Speaker 1: you think about someone that you're obsessed with this person,
Speaker 1: you know, you're assumed by them, and you're consumed by
Speaker 1: this electric feeling, and you know, all all this confusion
Speaker 1: and these butterflies and these uncertainty, and that's what you
Speaker 1: think love should be. And if only they could see this,
Speaker 1: or you could convince them, we could achieve that long
Speaker 1: term stability and comfortability that everyone wants, but that the
Speaker 1: initial feeling of obsession. Society teaches you that that's what
Speaker 1: love should look like, but I don't think it should.
Speaker 1: You know, unrequited love comes with a lot of resentment
Speaker 1: for that other person because they can never fulfill your
Speaker 1: fantasy because well, firstly, they haven't consented to it. They
Speaker 1: may not even know it exists, you know, they may
Speaker 1: not even be aware. But we still feel anger towards them.
Speaker 1: And can can that really be love? Can a feeling
Speaker 1: that includes so much resentment and anger and frustration? It
Speaker 1: does that mean that unrequited love is real love? And
Speaker 1: I had a huge, huge discussion with my house made
Speaker 1: around this, which I think revealed like a lot of
Speaker 1: revelations about how we think about ourselves in the process.
Speaker 1: But that's kind of beside the point. What we came
Speaker 1: the conclusion we came to is that there are two
Speaker 1: broad strokes and I'm talking very broad strokes interpretations of love. Firstly,
Speaker 1: there's the idea that love is a feeling and a distinct,
Speaker 1: universal experience. It's something beyond our control. And on the
Speaker 1: other hand, we also see love as a performance, something
Speaker 1: that you need to work on and towards. So therefore
Speaker 1: we do see unrequired love as Whether you see sorry,
Speaker 1: whether you see unrequired love as real love depends on
Speaker 1: whether you see love as a practice or as an emotion,
Speaker 1: Because if you see it as a practice, unrequited love
Speaker 1: can never be confused as true love because, for you,
Speaker 1: love naturally needs two players, and there needs to be
Speaker 1: some mutual foundation on which to build this temple of
Speaker 1: care and reciprocation and empathy and giving. However, if you
Speaker 1: see love as an emotion, as an all consuming feeling
Speaker 1: of passion that arises naturally from some deep place in
Speaker 1: our conscious and our soul, then we can say unrequired
Speaker 1: love is true love, and it may even be pure
Speaker 1: love because that feeling can exist in only one person
Speaker 1: and still be valid. It doesn't need to be reciprocated
Speaker 1: to still be felt. I'm really skeptical to call it
Speaker 1: love because I think calling it that really glorifies the experience,
Speaker 1: and we put other people on a pedestal, which is
Speaker 1: really problematic. We begin to confuse things and move away
Speaker 1: from what a healthy and stable relationship should be. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know, we can call it love if we want,
Speaker 1: but if it is unrequired of the real thing, no,
Speaker 1: it's not. Love can only be felt at its deepest
Speaker 1: and most profound level, I think when it is shared,
Speaker 1: and love is the process of gradually revealing yourself to someone.
Speaker 1: And although you know it can be all consuming as well,
Speaker 1: and it's definitely incredibly natural and an organic feeling, it
Speaker 1: also needs to be deliberate and must be mutual to
Speaker 1: be fully felt. But again, like kind of what I
Speaker 1: was talking with, there is no right or wrong answer.
Speaker 1: What we expect from love is based on what the
Speaker 1: relationships around us have taught us, like our parents, or
Speaker 1: our first relationship or our crush, and that really determines
Speaker 1: how we view love. Okay, that was a bit of
Speaker 1: a rant. I think maybe it's time to wrap things up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just I hope you enjoyed that discussion. Like I said,
Speaker 1: I really got into it. I think just like having
Speaker 1: that time to sit down and reflect on so many
Speaker 1: past experiences that I had, it really made me realize
Speaker 1: their own kind of calmic cycle of my relationships. And
Speaker 1: you know feelings that I've had for others, and it
Speaker 1: was really therapeutic to actually read up about why this happens,
Speaker 1: to kind of give this highly irrational experience more of
Speaker 1: a logical tinge and more logical input and psychological input
Speaker 1: as well. And yeah, just breaking it down it was
Speaker 1: actually really helpful. So I hope that you found it
Speaker 1: helpful as well. If you are in a situation where
Speaker 1: you're experiencing love that is unrequired, you have all my
Speaker 1: well wishes, it's really shit. It's really crap, and it's
Speaker 1: really hard to break out of. So I hope, yeah,
Speaker 1: everything works out for you. I hope that you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to hope that they're the one, because
Speaker 1: they probably aren't, but I hope that you can kind
Speaker 1: of see the irrationality and it maybe this has helped
Speaker 1: you realize that and just move on. You know, it
Speaker 1: gets to a point where you kind of have to
Speaker 1: be realistic with yourself, like, is is this person ever
Speaker 1: going to reciprocate my feelings? Probably not, and it's time
Speaker 1: to kind of buckle up and move on to something else.
Speaker 1: I'll just move on to being alone because it's kind
Speaker 1: of better than than begging for attention or begging for
Speaker 1: feelings from someone who has no intention of giving them
Speaker 1: to you. You know, you have everything that you need
Speaker 1: in yourself, so yeah, you don't need a man or
Speaker 1: a woman just getting very like new age RANTI like
Speaker 1: independent woman vibe. But you know what I mean. You
Speaker 1: can do it all on your own. You don't need
Speaker 1: to beg someone for the time of day, or for
Speaker 1: a message back or for a reply. So I hope
Speaker 1: you guys are all doing well wherever you are in
Speaker 1: the world. If you're in Canberra, well we're getting through it.
Speaker 1: We want to have eight cases today, which is so exciting.
Speaker 1: I never thought i'd say that, but yeah, I hope
Speaker 1: you guys are all staying safe. Remember to subscribe if
Speaker 1: you're listening for the first time on Spotify or Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: and follow us on Instagram. Like I staid, this idea
Speaker 1: of this one came from like an Instagram polo did,
Speaker 1: so if you want to kind of contribute, it's up
Speaker 1: to you to what episodes I get to look into. Yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely give us a follow and thanks again for listening in.
Speaker 1: Take care of yourselves and remember the egg doesn't chase
Speaker 1: the sperm. Bye.