Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the
Speaker 1: podcast where we talk through some of the big life
Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean
Speaker 1: for our psychology. Hello everyone, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. As always, it is so
Speaker 1: great to have you here for another week, another episode,
Speaker 1: another really really interesting topic that we're covering on the
Speaker 1: podcast today. So yeah, welcome, Welcome, new listeners, welcome old.
Speaker 1: Before we get into it, I just want to say
Speaker 1: a really big thank you. I'm feeling so grateful and
Speaker 1: so warm and fuzzy recently that we have so many
Speaker 1: new listeners and so many of you have reached out
Speaker 1: to me recently to say that you've really been enjoying
Speaker 1: the content of the show, and I just cannot even
Speaker 1: express to you how joyful and happy and grateful that
Speaker 1: makes me. Every message, every like, every comment, every subscriber,
Speaker 1: It's just crazy to me how much this has kind
Speaker 1: of grown in the last year, in the last few months.
Speaker 1: So if you are a new listener, welcome, I hope
Speaker 1: you stick around. If you're an old supporter, thank you
Speaker 1: for following the journey of this podcast. It just is
Speaker 1: in incredible to me that there are so many people
Speaker 1: who are interested in these things and want to listen
Speaker 1: to some of these explanations and some of the research
Speaker 1: that I find on these topics. So a bit of
Speaker 1: a sappy moment, but yeah, I just wanted to say
Speaker 1: welcome to our new listeners and thank you for joining
Speaker 1: us again. This week. We have a really interesting topic.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I say that every single time, so
Speaker 1: if you are a frequent listener, I feel like I
Speaker 1: am just I don't know, on repeat. I say that
Speaker 1: every week, but they're all so interesting. But this one
Speaker 1: in particular was suggested to me on an Instagram poll
Speaker 1: that I put out. I do them every now and again,
Speaker 1: just trying to see engage what people want to hear,
Speaker 1: and this was by far the most suggested topic, which
Speaker 1: I think is really important to call out before we
Speaker 1: get into it, and I'll discuss why later on. But
Speaker 1: making French friends in your twenties, that's what we're talking
Speaker 1: about today, that's we're talking about this week. It is
Speaker 1: such a nuanced topic, something that I think we all
Speaker 1: probably need to hear, and all probably need some sympathy
Speaker 1: and some support around and an understanding that We're probably
Speaker 1: not alone. Just from the number of people who suggested this,
Speaker 1: I have a feeling that there are probably a lot
Speaker 1: of you who are going through this experience of finding
Speaker 1: it really difficult to make new friends as we enter adulthood.
Speaker 1: A lot of our friends, as you know, as we
Speaker 1: grow up, as we enter this new chapter in our lives,
Speaker 1: sometimes fall off the bandwagon. We find ourselves perhaps you know,
Speaker 1: the most alone we've ever felt in our lives when
Speaker 1: we don't have the support of our family immediately around us,
Speaker 1: we don't have the structures of high school or primary
Speaker 1: school or some of those kind of organized activities and
Speaker 1: daily structures of our lives. So it's a really important
Speaker 1: thing to talk about. I think it's pretty universally accepted
Speaker 1: that as we get older, it's a lot harder to
Speaker 1: make friends, and there is a lot of support for
Speaker 1: this difficulty, this difficulty of making friends and adulthood, and
Speaker 1: I think it's recently been made a lot worse by
Speaker 1: this pandemic that we've all gone through. If you started
Speaker 1: twenty twenty with a lot of friends and now you're
Speaker 1: kind of surveying the friendship landscape and feeling a little
Speaker 1: bit lost, I just want to express that you are
Speaker 1: not alone. This has been a really common feeling throughout
Speaker 1: this period, throughout this weird three years or two years
Speaker 1: even that we've gone through since the start of COVID.
Speaker 1: And although COVID is obviously still a problem, we have
Speaker 1: come out just in the last i don't know, seven
Speaker 1: eight months out of an incredibly strange period of isolation
Speaker 1: and lockdowns. And although many of us are no longer
Speaker 1: experiencing that kind of physical separation and we're no longer
Speaker 1: living through lockdowns, COVID has become kind of normalized. The
Speaker 1: impact of that experience is really long lasting and likely
Speaker 1: still having residual impacts on our ability to socialize, on
Speaker 1: our lives, our ability to meet new people, and recover
Speaker 1: from what was a period of really intense isolation and
Speaker 1: physical separation from others. And I really want to stress
Speaker 1: and I will do this again and again throughout this episode,
Speaker 1: want to universal experience. This is for people in their twenties,
Speaker 1: feeling like you don't have the same friendships that you
Speaker 1: had maybe three, four, five years ago, feeling really lonely,
Speaker 1: feeling really isolated. I've spoken about this with friends a
Speaker 1: lot as well, and I think a lot of them
Speaker 1: all say the same thing. And I think part of
Speaker 1: the problem with feeling so isolated and lonely in our
Speaker 1: twenties and struggling to make new friends is that we
Speaker 1: are faced with a whole spectrum and off so many
Speaker 1: points and opportunities for comparison, especially through social media. I
Speaker 1: know it's been said so many times, but the lives
Speaker 1: of others that we see on social media is not
Speaker 1: the truth. But so often we see influences or even
Speaker 1: people we know posting these highlight reels where they're surrounded
Speaker 1: by people, they're surrounded by friends. We might be sitting
Speaker 1: alone on our phones, scrolling mindlessly, kind of thinking to ourselves,
Speaker 1: why isn't that me? Why isn't that the case for me?
Speaker 1: What am I doing wrong? And I guess part of
Speaker 1: the point of this podcast is to say that you're
Speaker 1: not doing anything wrong. And this is such a universal experience.
Speaker 1: So if you're going through this, I promise you there
Speaker 1: are so many people out there who are feeling the same.
Speaker 1: If that makes you feel better. Obviously, the unique experiences
Speaker 1: and the feelings associated with that are in themselves very valid,
Speaker 1: even if we feel very alone in that feeling but
Speaker 1: I know for me personally, I really struggled with this.
Speaker 1: At the start of the year, I really struggled to
Speaker 1: make new friends. I think I've mentioned this before, but
Speaker 1: I moved to a new city. I'd spent the first,
Speaker 1: like the first five years of my adult life in
Speaker 1: like a college town, and I started UNI in this
Speaker 1: big kind of college community, and it was so easy
Speaker 1: to make friends, it was so convenient. And then suddenly
Speaker 1: I was this little fish in this huge pond trying
Speaker 1: to rebuild a community and rebuild a network, and oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, it was really hard. And it's still is
Speaker 1: really hard. I still feel like I'm building that community.
Speaker 1: And I remember my dad shout out to you. Dad.
Speaker 1: He's a big fan of the podcast, so if you're listening,
Speaker 1: but hello. But he sent me this article and it
Speaker 1: was kind of funny at the time, but about how
Speaker 1: hard it is to make new friends in your twenties,
Speaker 1: especially in cities like Sydney or in big metropolitan areas
Speaker 1: where it just feels like everyone else has already got
Speaker 1: their group, everyone else already knows what's going on, they
Speaker 1: know the lay of the land, And especially for me
Speaker 1: at that time, I had no idea what I was doing.
Speaker 1: I felt so isolated and so lonely. And in that
Speaker 1: time and since then, I've thought a lot about the
Speaker 1: universality of this struggle and have really tried to identify
Speaker 1: in my own mind and through my own kind of contemplation,
Speaker 1: what it is about this decade that leads to such
Speaker 1: sizeable and significant and noticeable shifts and changes in our
Speaker 1: friendship dynamics, and not so much the quality but the
Speaker 1: quantity of friends we seem to have. Why is it
Speaker 1: so difficult to meet people we really relate to? Kind
Speaker 1: of the conclusion that I've come to is that as
Speaker 1: we enter adulthood, there are some pretty large shifts and
Speaker 1: pretty large lifestyle changes that we all seem to experience.
Speaker 1: I think that it's pretty normal for, you know, if
Speaker 1: you went to UNI or even in high school, for
Speaker 1: our friendships to be very convenient and something that is
Speaker 1: very easy to fall into. You know, we see the
Speaker 1: same people every single day. If you went to school,
Speaker 1: if you went to UNI, if you did a trade
Speaker 1: or an apprenticeship or a diploma, there are the same
Speaker 1: people day in and day out, and it's really easy
Speaker 1: to make connections with them. You probably have a very
Speaker 1: similar background. You're having these similar experiences, there's often a
Speaker 1: large number of people. You have your pick of the bunch.
Speaker 1: I found. I don't know if if you've had an
Speaker 1: experience of living, you know, in a large dormitory or
Speaker 1: a college, but it is like almost just like social steroids.
Speaker 1: It's just like socializing on steroids. It's completely unnatural to
Speaker 1: have to be surrounded by that many people, and it's
Speaker 1: almost like it's just social overload. And if that's your
Speaker 1: first experience, straight out of living from home, or straight
Speaker 1: out of high school, or kind of straight out of
Speaker 1: your teenage years, to be surrounded by all these people,
Speaker 1: it's a bit of a rude awakening. When things start
Speaker 1: to change. And I guess as we get older, the
Speaker 1: places that we grew up or the places we went
Speaker 1: to for UNI no longer fit the identities that we
Speaker 1: had when we first moved there or when we were
Speaker 1: growing up there. People start to move. That was a
Speaker 1: huge thing that I noticed and a big reason why
Speaker 1: I think we see this decline in the quantity of
Speaker 1: friends that we have in this decade. I personally moved
Speaker 1: and I, you know, there were so many other people
Speaker 1: at the same time as me who got up and
Speaker 1: left to all different parts of the country, all different
Speaker 1: parts of the world, and it becomes a lot harder
Speaker 1: to keep up those connections that we had before then.
Speaker 1: But it also means that there are a lot of
Speaker 1: people kind in these little satellite camps all over the
Speaker 1: world who are probably in the same boat as you,
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, who are starting you, who
Speaker 1: are trying to re establish a network for themselves. With
Speaker 1: that kind of I don't know, exodus from our hometowns
Speaker 1: and our college towns, the dynamic of our pre existing
Speaker 1: friendship just innately changes. You no longer see these people
Speaker 1: every day, and with that convenient element that I discussed
Speaker 1: is kind of removed, it becomes a lot more difficult
Speaker 1: to keep everyone updated than to have those bonding shared
Speaker 1: experiences that are really the bedrock and the foundation of friendship.
Speaker 1: Other things happen as well. People get into relationships. As
Speaker 1: we enter our early and mid twenties, it becomes a
Speaker 1: lot more normal for people to meet their partners, to
Speaker 1: become partnered up and spend more time with them, and
Speaker 1: also spend more time at work. And I don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe you're lucky enough to be in a work environment
Speaker 1: where you're working with your close friends. I'm jealous of
Speaker 1: you if that's the case, But it's often the case
Speaker 1: that you've maybe you've got this group of friends and
Speaker 1: everyone works different places, everyone moves, and you no longer
Speaker 1: have those shared experiences that are really fundamental to deep
Speaker 1: lasting friendships. And with that shift from you either studying
Speaker 1: or being young and having fun and moving into full
Speaker 1: time work, there's that element of exhaustion and work schedules
Speaker 1: to kind of navigate, and a robust kind of large
Speaker 1: social life and social circles that takes a lot of energy,
Speaker 1: and that's not something we all have kind of room
Speaker 1: to spare at this age. Another thing that I saw
Speaker 1: that I thought was really interesting was you become more picky,
Speaker 1: especially when your time is already limited, which is why
Speaker 1: you might see people starting to drop off. It goes
Speaker 1: without saying I think hopefully that people change. We are
Speaker 1: not going to stay the same people we were sixteen
Speaker 1: seventeen eighteen for our entire lives. Our brains aren't even
Speaker 1: like even close to being fully developed at that stage,
Speaker 1: and the people we are then it's probably not the
Speaker 1: people we are now. And I think This also relates
Speaker 1: to my point before about people moving on and getting
Speaker 1: into relationships, but our context, our lives change, and more innately,
Speaker 1: this decade is incredibly formative in determining who we are,
Speaker 1: what our values are, what we love doing, and sometimes
Speaker 1: this doesn't always align with who we thought we were
Speaker 1: three to four years ago, or even three to four
Speaker 1: months before. Our friendships, like I said, they're founded on
Speaker 1: shared experiences, but they're also found on founded on I think,
Speaker 1: shared values and shared hobbies and shared kind of activities
Speaker 1: and enjoyment. So as we kind of start to develop
Speaker 1: and branch out even there and discover who we are
Speaker 1: in this decade, it really does make a lot of
Speaker 1: sense that the people you were friends with perhaps when
Speaker 1: you first started union, when you first finished high school,
Speaker 1: you probably aren't going to be feeling the same feelings
Speaker 1: towards them now. It's really okay to outgrow people, but
Speaker 1: what can come with that can be really intense feelings
Speaker 1: of isolation and loneliness, and of course the desire to
Speaker 1: make new friends who you can relate to and share
Speaker 1: memories with. Here's where the psychology comes in. We are
Speaker 1: all innately intrinsically social creatures. Social interaction time and time again.
Speaker 1: It's shown in so many studies, and a right amount
Speaker 1: of proper amount of balanced amount of social interaction is
Speaker 1: as fundamental to our well being as things like a
Speaker 1: balanced diet or getting sleep or not you know, putting
Speaker 1: our bodies under us with alcohol or other substances. Getting
Speaker 1: in the right amount of social interaction, Feeling that your
Speaker 1: social interactions are also fulfilling and meaningful. That is a
Speaker 1: huge contributor to your health and to your lifestyle. So
Speaker 1: if you are struggling to make friends at the moment,
Speaker 1: or you're feeling like you're just not at a place
Speaker 1: in terms of your friendships that feels particularly healthy, you're
Speaker 1: probably right. There was this really interesting experiment that they
Speaker 1: did where they had these lab rats and these rats
Speaker 1: were given water and they were also given this kind
Speaker 1: of pipette water bottle that was filled with heroin. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're probably like, what the heck, where is this going,
Speaker 1: But it was really interesting. What they found was that
Speaker 1: when they had rats who were provided with other rats
Speaker 1: in their cage that had their little rat friends, and
Speaker 1: they had room to socialize and they had the opportunity
Speaker 1: to interact and keep themselves entertained with other members of
Speaker 1: their species. Those rats had absolutely no reason to touch
Speaker 1: the heroine because they were receiving the dopamine that their
Speaker 1: brain required to function, and they were feeling I guess
Speaker 1: happy or fulfilled enough that they didn't need that external stimulus.
Speaker 1: Their brains were healthier, they had more neurons. But the
Speaker 1: rats who were isolated and put in a cage themselves,
Speaker 1: they abused this drug until they basically diet. Their brains
Speaker 1: had less neurons and they were just less developed. Their
Speaker 1: brains were less developed, they slept less, but they would
Speaker 1: lie around more. They weren't as active, And I think
Speaker 1: this really shows although it's, you know, an animal study,
Speaker 1: in this all these debates and psychology around whether animal
Speaker 1: studies are comparable or comparable to humans, I think it's
Speaker 1: a really important and fundamental thing to share here. It's
Speaker 1: completely okay if right now you're struggling with friendships and
Speaker 1: you're feeling really really shit about it, and you're feeling
Speaker 1: really almost probably depressed, or really anxious or really sad.
Speaker 1: That experiment proves this. When we don't receive the dopamine
Speaker 1: and the stimulation that we need and we require from
Speaker 1: our social interactions. The impact of that on our health
Speaker 1: and even on our neurons is really profound and can
Speaker 1: lead to some pretty long term impacts. And there was
Speaker 1: this other study that I found so fascinating, and it
Speaker 1: basically concluded that not having enough friends, not feeling like
Speaker 1: your social network is expansive enough, feeling isolated, and feeling
Speaker 1: lonely can cause the same neural response as being in
Speaker 1: physical pain or experiencing extreme grief. So I really do
Speaker 1: sympathize with you if you're struggling to make lasting or
Speaker 1: good friendships in your twenties. I think this whole first
Speaker 1: part of the podcast is just to tell you you're
Speaker 1: not alone. There are so many people who are going
Speaker 1: through this. It is a universal experience to notice really
Speaker 1: significant changes in the dynamics of our lives and of
Speaker 1: our friendship circles. But it's definitely something that psychology and
Speaker 1: kind of a broader positivist philosophy to life, can you know?
Speaker 1: It kind of tells us that it's something that we
Speaker 1: can work on, and that our social interactions and our
Speaker 1: social lives not only are they fundamental, but there's something
Speaker 1: that's within our control. Oh kay, I feel like that
Speaker 1: was a little bit of a pity party. I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry it's everyone I think I feel like. I feel
Speaker 1: like I've spent the first half of this episode kind
Speaker 1: of sympathizing and trying to address the stigma and normalize
Speaker 1: struggling to make friends in adulthood. But that is not
Speaker 1: necessarily the most practical or helpful thing to do. So
Speaker 1: what I want to do is spend this next section
Speaker 1: really in on tangible things that I think help us
Speaker 1: make friends in our twenties. From my experience moving to
Speaker 1: a new city, you're trying to re establish community. The
Speaker 1: biggest thing I think is fear and insecurity. Of course,
Speaker 1: there are obviously physical factors, you know, if you're living
Speaker 1: out in a rural community, it might just be there
Speaker 1: aren't many people around you. But often the journey to
Speaker 1: making friends in our twenties is a psychological one. So
Speaker 1: I thought I would kind of do my research and
Speaker 1: compile a bit of a list of tips. So if
Speaker 1: you are someone who's struggling right now, how can you
Speaker 1: perhaps shift the dial and make some new friends in
Speaker 1: your life. The first kind of tip or strategy that
Speaker 1: I think I really took to heart when I was
Speaker 1: in a similar situation and really kind of going through
Speaker 1: it and feeling quite lonely. Was to be okay with
Speaker 1: being alone. That is a very simple thing to say.
Speaker 1: I know, five, five very easy words to come out
Speaker 1: of my mouth, be okay with being alone. And I'm
Speaker 1: hoping that no one is exiting right now, being like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is stupid advice. But as simple and basic as
Speaker 1: it may sound, as useless as it may sound, I
Speaker 1: think and this is just a personal opinion. Being alone
Speaker 1: and being secure in your loneliness is one of the
Speaker 1: most important lessons that you need to learn in your twenties.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, you really only have yourself.
Speaker 1: Like you might have family, you might have friends, you
Speaker 1: might have a partner, you might have work colleagues. I
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on in your life, but I'm
Speaker 1: hoping that you have a support network. But at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, you really are all by yourself,
Speaker 1: and your company is the most important company that you
Speaker 1: can share, and how you feel about yourself, your opinion
Speaker 1: of yourself is the most important one you can have
Speaker 1: in your life. No matter how much you love others,
Speaker 1: how much you enjoy spending time with them, if you're
Speaker 1: not comfortable sitting in your own thoughts, being able to
Speaker 1: take yourself out for dinner, being able to do things
Speaker 1: by yourself. No relationship is ever going to fulfill you
Speaker 1: friendship relationship otherwise because you cannot be surrounded by people
Speaker 1: at all times. And the more you try and distract
Speaker 1: yourself by making I think, very shallow friendships or going
Speaker 1: out or being around people, the more I think you're
Speaker 1: going to struggle to make authentic friendships, and the more
Speaker 1: that your kind of fear of loneliness is going to accumulate.
Speaker 1: So I'd say one of the biggest tips and biggest
Speaker 1: things to work towards if you're struggling making friends is
Speaker 1: to maybe just prioritize being alone for a while and
Speaker 1: see that as an opportunity rather than as a massive
Speaker 1: downside or you know, as a massive boma. Like having
Speaker 1: an opportunity to be alone with yourself is so rare,
Speaker 1: you know, away from your phone, that is actually quite
Speaker 1: a blessing in this day and age when we're constantly
Speaker 1: connected in the world, as you know, over populating with people.
Speaker 1: If you live in a big city, there's always someone around.
Speaker 1: So something that I did when I first moved to
Speaker 1: this new city. Was like, and I still do this
Speaker 1: to this day. Is I make sure i leave an
Speaker 1: afternoon or a morning or some part of my week
Speaker 1: where it's just me and I'm focused on checking in
Speaker 1: with myself and building a relationship with myself as if
Speaker 1: I was another person. And I found that when I
Speaker 1: got more comfortable with being able to be in my
Speaker 1: own company and do the things I wanted to do
Speaker 1: even if no one else wanted to come, that's when
Speaker 1: I just kind of started meeting people because I was
Speaker 1: doing what I wanted to do, which when I was
Speaker 1: attracting people who thought the same way in those situations.
Speaker 1: But I also think it's really crucial if you if
Speaker 1: you're looking around you like I don't have the friendships
Speaker 1: that I want, Leverage those casual connections. I cannot stress
Speaker 1: this enough. Someone you met at a party once, message them,
Speaker 1: do it, like literally, what is the worst that can happen?
Speaker 1: They'll say no, like you're back to square one. Like,
Speaker 1: leverage those casual connections. Reach out to people you've met
Speaker 1: once or twice, reach out to mutual friends. And if
Speaker 1: you are in a new city, ask your friends if
Speaker 1: they know anyone honestly, I have met one of someone
Speaker 1: who I think will be one of my closest best
Speaker 1: friends for life through through this method. One of our
Speaker 1: friends from we both lived in the same city prior
Speaker 1: to moving to Sydney, and one of our fabulous friends, Phoebe,
Speaker 1: if you're listening, love it a bits. She literally was like,
Speaker 1: this friend, Gracie, my friend Gracie now is moving to Sydney.
Speaker 1: I think you guys would get along and put us
Speaker 1: in the group chat together and the rest is history.
Speaker 1: Now we are like so close, we see each other
Speaker 1: all the time. We have these really deep conversations. So
Speaker 1: that is an amazing method. Message your friends if they
Speaker 1: might no one know someone, if you've got people already
Speaker 1: in a city or people who you live in the
Speaker 1: same city with who might have a different friendship group
Speaker 1: to you, be like, is there someone that I should know?
Speaker 1: Do you think there's anyone that like you think I
Speaker 1: would really get along with? Like can you invite me
Speaker 1: to things with them? Or can you like kind of
Speaker 1: set us up? And the chances are if you're really
Speaker 1: good friends with that person, you're probably going to get
Speaker 1: along with the people they're friends with as well. The
Speaker 1: other thing that I think really kind of changed for
Speaker 1: me and made me more comfortable in this city, made
Speaker 1: me feel like I had community, was work connections. You've
Speaker 1: got to make friends at work. You never know what
Speaker 1: kind of things you'll have in common just because you
Speaker 1: work at the same place or for the same company.
Speaker 1: Like it's insane to me how many people I've met
Speaker 1: who I worked with, and you know, if they're the
Speaker 1: same age as you, you're probably going to have at
Speaker 1: least a couple things in common. And even if they're
Speaker 1: not the deepest friendships, and you know, you don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe you're going to meet your best friend. Even if
Speaker 1: they're not the deepest friendships, the deepest connections, it still
Speaker 1: feels really nice, I think, to know that there are
Speaker 1: people who care about you and people that are around you. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to spend a little bit of time on
Speaker 1: this next tip because I think that it's probably my
Speaker 1: most practical, one most applicable, and what really helped me
Speaker 1: from a personal experience. Okay, you need to commit. You
Speaker 1: need to commit to something. Pick one two activities or
Speaker 1: hobbies you really enjoy, or something that you think you
Speaker 1: might enjoy. You don't even have to love it yet,
Speaker 1: and I want you to do them every week, three
Speaker 1: times a week, once a week minimum, but do it
Speaker 1: every single week. Stay committed, and I do want to stipulate.
Speaker 1: With any good thing, it's going to take time. So
Speaker 1: don't expect to be like making or meeting friendship soul
Speaker 1: mates within a day or two. But activities and hobbies
Speaker 1: are like gold standard the best way to meet people
Speaker 1: because you know how you know how easy it is
Speaker 1: to talk to someone if you see them every week,
Speaker 1: if you see them three times a week at you know,
Speaker 1: your boxing class or at the climbing gym, or at
Speaker 1: your marathon training club. I don't know these all sports related.
Speaker 1: You can do whatever you want. You know, at your
Speaker 1: art class, there you go. I did life drawing, and
Speaker 1: I met so many people because once you become, you know,
Speaker 1: a regular face, that's when you start kind of like
Speaker 1: having conversations with people and discovering the other things that
Speaker 1: you have in common. You know, there are some people
Speaker 1: that you're just going to click with. But in general,
Speaker 1: I really believe that relationships and friendships require steady intent
Speaker 1: and commitment and investment, and that's what this tip kind
Speaker 1: of does. Like if you pick you know, one thing
Speaker 1: for you to do every single week, and you're always there,
Speaker 1: chances are those people are going to be there at
Speaker 1: the same time as well. And if you keep showing
Speaker 1: up and you keep kind of putting yourself out there
Speaker 1: and showing your face and being vulnerable, I feel like
Speaker 1: sooner or later things start to click. And when you
Speaker 1: are in that kind of position, get their contact information,
Speaker 1: add them on Instagram right away, Like you've seen someone
Speaker 1: at I don't know your pottery class, be like, oh hey,
Speaker 1: I see you here a lot. What's your name, blah
Speaker 1: blah blah, have a little small talk, have a little chat,
Speaker 1: and get their number or get them get their Instagram.
Speaker 1: I find that Instagram is really really good. And if
Speaker 1: you are someone like one of my friends who I've
Speaker 1: done this too, oh my gosh, please don't leave me.
Speaker 1: Please don't think this is incredibly awkward. But I've made
Speaker 1: friends doing this where I've gone to something week in
Speaker 1: week out seeing the same people and just gone up
Speaker 1: to them and been like, oh hey, and added them
Speaker 1: on Instagram, you know, reacted to their stories a few times,
Speaker 1: just like kind of showing that you're there and getting
Speaker 1: them to think about you. And bad being bad a
Speaker 1: boom you might have a new friend. And I think
Speaker 1: the reason that I love this tip, and I love
Speaker 1: the idea of committing to an activity, committing to a
Speaker 1: hobby and doing it every week, is that friendships don't
Speaker 1: just happen. Actually, in the belief that they happen, that
Speaker 1: they are this organic miracle, can actually hinder our chances
Speaker 1: of making friends. I don't know if you're someone who
Speaker 1: thinks this. I used to think this, but I would
Speaker 1: just kind of walk through life and being like, the
Speaker 1: people who are meant to meet me will meet me.
Speaker 1: And in some ways that is really true. But you know,
Speaker 1: if you're sitting at home every day being like, oh,
Speaker 1: if it's meant to happen, it will happen, chances are
Speaker 1: it's probably not because you're not putting yourself out there
Speaker 1: enough for those opportunities to come on by. And there
Speaker 1: was this really interesting study that I read about when
Speaker 1: I was researching this episode, and it found that holding
Speaker 1: a belief that friendships happened based on luck and based
Speaker 1: on you know, this kind of magic, magical running or destiny,
Speaker 1: it actually was related to more loneliness and a greater
Speaker 1: sense of isolation, whereas believing that friendships take effort was
Speaker 1: actually related to less loneliness in this study. And on
Speaker 1: a similar note, I think it's okay if it takes
Speaker 1: some time and if you don't have an immediate rushing
Speaker 1: connection with someone that you should listen to the Soulmates
Speaker 1: episode if you want to hear more about this. But
Speaker 1: a friend of mine once said to me when I
Speaker 1: first moved here. He was one of the first people
Speaker 1: that I really met in this city, and something he
Speaker 1: said to me. I think I was complaining to him, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I feel really lonely, like I don't have enough friends,
Speaker 1: and he was like, you don't want to rush friendships
Speaker 1: because the best things in life take time, and the
Speaker 1: best relationships take time to grow. And he also mentioned
Speaker 1: he also said, I'm trying to remember what he said
Speaker 1: because he said it so beautifully, but it was kind
Speaker 1: of along the gist of like, you should be deliberate
Speaker 1: in deciding the people that you're going to surround yourself with.
Speaker 1: It's important to not just rush into that and collect
Speaker 1: whoever you want, whoever's available. Real friendships take time, and
Speaker 1: it's time that will be worthwhile in the future. It's
Speaker 1: an investment because if you just you know, meet who
Speaker 1: you meet with some random person, I'm like, Okay, I've
Speaker 1: chosen this person. I'm going to commit to them. Like
Speaker 1: it's great to have acquaintances and everything like that, but
Speaker 1: there is something deeper and more special about friendship that
Speaker 1: you've really worked towards, and you've taken time to build
Speaker 1: a connection with that person because you because you really
Speaker 1: like them, because you notice that there's something quite unique
Speaker 1: and special about them, I think. On another note, but
Speaker 1: really similar to that idea of being vulnerable, committing and
Speaker 1: investing in hobbies and activities, putting yourself out there, don't
Speaker 1: be afraid to just go up to people and start talking.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. Most of us have been taught and
Speaker 1: learned and trained socially to be polite to strangers and
Speaker 1: to be polite to people even if the situation is awkward.
Speaker 1: So although there may be like an initial awkward moment
Speaker 1: if you go up to someone and start talking, most
Speaker 1: of the time that kind of weird social etiquette, to
Speaker 1: not be rude and just walk away means that you
Speaker 1: will probably end up having a really engaging conversation. And
Speaker 1: this doesn't have to lead to a magnificent, long lasting friendship.
Speaker 1: Maybe it will, but more importantly, it will allow you
Speaker 1: to kind of practice putting yourself out there and being
Speaker 1: yourself and having interesting conversations. And in these situations, you
Speaker 1: really do have to believe that people will like you back.
Speaker 1: This might also be the case if you've rocked up
Speaker 1: to a social event and you don't know anyone, but
Speaker 1: you have to always expect the best. I think many
Speaker 1: of us see ourselves as passive agents of our kind
Speaker 1: of social worlds and our social lives, waiting for someone
Speaker 1: else to reach out to us and introduce themselves. But
Speaker 1: if you're struggling to make friends right now and know
Speaker 1: it's really hard, but you have to embrace the idea
Speaker 1: that you are in control, and you're in control of
Speaker 1: your social world and who you choose to have in
Speaker 1: your life more than you think, and the more intentional
Speaker 1: you are about connecting with others, the more that you're
Speaker 1: going to benefit, the more reward you're going to see.
Speaker 1: One study kind of examined this group of students and
Speaker 1: they examined classmates perceptions of the social environment that was
Speaker 1: their classroom, and people in the class perceived it really differently.
Speaker 1: So the researchers asked these kids, was the social environment
Speaker 1: did you feel warm in this room? Like? Did you
Speaker 1: feel warm and comfortable or did you feel cold? Mostly
Speaker 1: the kids who perceived the social environment to be positive,
Speaker 1: those who engaged with others, those who introduce themselves to others,
Speaker 1: They were the ones who are like, oh, this environment
Speaker 1: was really warm and I found it really welcoming, Whereas
Speaker 1: those who kind of kept to themselves, they were the
Speaker 1: ones who are like, oh, I felt like this class
Speaker 1: was really chilly and really clinical and unwelcoming. And it's
Speaker 1: normally the people who do take that leap of faith
Speaker 1: force themselves to be vulnerable and engage with others that
Speaker 1: also believe that others will be just as open to
Speaker 1: meeting them as well. And it's that philosophy again. You
Speaker 1: have to be intentional about connecting with others, but you
Speaker 1: also have to believe that others will want to meet
Speaker 1: you and that people will like you back. This is
Speaker 1: just such a weird je, but I feel like it's
Speaker 1: appropriate here. You know, I'm promoting this idea of you know,
Speaker 1: going up and talking to strangers and a little bit
Speaker 1: of stranger danger. Obviously not choose your time and your context.
Speaker 1: But I remember, I sorry, but I remember I one
Speaker 1: time I was like at a I like a chicken shop.
Speaker 1: I think I was buying like chips. I've been like
Speaker 1: out with my friends and there were these like guys
Speaker 1: and this girl sitting at this table, and there was
Speaker 1: something that we had in common, and I just went
Speaker 1: up and started talking to them, and we ended up
Speaker 1: talking for like twenty minutes. Next thing, you know, like
Speaker 1: they were inviting me to this party they were having.
Speaker 1: And now we're really good friends. And of course there's
Speaker 1: been so many instances where that's happened and I've never
Speaker 1: heard from them again, or we've added each other on
Speaker 1: Instagram and now we just watch each other's stories. But
Speaker 1: there are those beautiful kind of diamonds in the ruff,
Speaker 1: those beautiful experiences where it's worked out really well, where
Speaker 1: everyone was kind of on the same page. And that's
Speaker 1: the other thing. If you're really struggling to make friends,
Speaker 1: there are other people out there who are feeling the
Speaker 1: same way, who probably want social interactions and deep, meaningful
Speaker 1: friendships just as much as you, And if you meet them,
Speaker 1: it's probably likely that you'll connect and that you'll be
Speaker 1: able to kind of form a relationship with them. I
Speaker 1: think back to that point that I made right at
Speaker 1: the start about social comparison. It's very easy to see
Speaker 1: the world and to see other people as having it all,
Speaker 1: and everyone you know already has all the friends they need,
Speaker 1: and everyone's already super content and you know, very popular
Speaker 1: and has everything that they want. They've got the friends
Speaker 1: that they want. That's not the case. Like this is
Speaker 1: such a universal experience, and I feel like everyone could
Speaker 1: do with more friends, Everyone could do with more love
Speaker 1: and relationships and connection in their life. So putting yourself
Speaker 1: out there like the worst it's going to happen if
Speaker 1: someone's going to say no, And if you've got a
Speaker 1: fear of retraction, maybe that's really scary for you. But
Speaker 1: I would challenge you to do it anyway, because the
Speaker 1: reward from that is just so much greater than the risk,
Speaker 1: or greater than the cost. I also want to say
Speaker 1: and kind of take a moment to really recognize that
Speaker 1: I think that this experience of trying to put yourself
Speaker 1: out there and make friends is very different for different
Speaker 1: types of people. Well obviously all very unique. We have
Speaker 1: different personalities, we have different attitudes and ways of seeing
Speaker 1: the world, and one of those ways is as an
Speaker 1: extrovert or as an introvert, I obviously, you know, run
Speaker 1: a podcast where I talk into a microphone for an
Speaker 1: hour a week, So I would say I'm pretty extroverted,
Speaker 1: and that's where I think my perspective comes from. But
Speaker 1: I also understand that there are probably a lot of
Speaker 1: people listening to this were quite introverted, and for who
Speaker 1: like a lot of these kind of challenges or tips
Speaker 1: would be really, really difficult. But I also do believe
Speaker 1: that there are so many people in life who will
Speaker 1: love us who we haven't met yet. And as challenging
Speaker 1: as it might be to really be vulnerable and to
Speaker 1: put yourself out there, there are ways to do that
Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel safe and doesn't,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of spike your social anxiety or doesn't
Speaker 1: exhaust you, even joining things like bumble BFF or online
Speaker 1: groups or just committing to something one day a week,
Speaker 1: even if it's just for an hour. I feel like
Speaker 1: that's why organized sport is so good. You're there for
Speaker 1: an hour and then you can opt out or opt
Speaker 1: in to further activities. But I do recognize that making
Speaker 1: friends can be a lot harder for some rather than others,
Speaker 1: and it is like a unique and personal struggle for
Speaker 1: each of us and something that we have to kind
Speaker 1: of navigate and figure it out for ourselves. But we
Speaker 1: live in such a social world and surrounded by so
Speaker 1: many people. It's impossible for you to go through life
Speaker 1: and go through the next you know, five, ten, thirty
Speaker 1: years of your life and not run into someone that
Speaker 1: you really like, or run into someone whose company really enjoy.
Speaker 1: And something that I was kind of always repeating to
Speaker 1: myself was like the people that I knew five years ago,
Speaker 1: the people that I know now were not people that
Speaker 1: I knew five years ago. Sorry, So you never know
Speaker 1: who you're going to meet in these next five years.
Speaker 1: There's so many people in the world, so many opportunities
Speaker 1: to make exciting, long term, even short term friendships, but
Speaker 1: friendships that really fulfill you and contribute to your well being.
Speaker 1: So if that's kind of the quest and the personal
Speaker 1: journey that you're on, I wish you love and I
Speaker 1: wish you luck and strength because I know it can
Speaker 1: be quite difficult. But I also challenge you to follow
Speaker 1: some of those tips. Go up and talk to people
Speaker 1: commit to a hobby, leverage those mutual connections, those casual connections,
Speaker 1: like just ask people for their Instagram, just invite people
Speaker 1: to do things like worse comes to worst they say no,
Speaker 1: and then you know it's not meant to be, or
Speaker 1: you try again and you could always have a flourishing,
Speaker 1: gorgeous friendship with them. So anyhow, it's kind of turned
Speaker 1: into a bit of a pep talk now that I
Speaker 1: hope it's helpful for you if you're struggling with this
Speaker 1: at the moment, and if you're really finding it quite
Speaker 1: difficult to build friendships at this stage in your life.
Speaker 1: I've said it before, probably many times in this episode,
Speaker 1: but I'll say it once again. This is not an
Speaker 1: experience that you're having a loan. It is so universal,
Speaker 1: and I think it's important to also recognize that this
Speaker 1: decade of our lives is one that is defined by
Speaker 1: chaos and change and shifting dynamics, and that compounded with
Speaker 1: you know, we just went through a pandemic like pandemic
Speaker 1: in which we were forced to be physically separate and isolated.
Speaker 1: And you're doing a great job. You're doing such a
Speaker 1: great job, whoever you are, with what you've got going on,
Speaker 1: so thank you so much for listening, and I really
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed this episode. I've got a bonus paid
Speaker 1: content episode coming out this week as well, so if
Speaker 1: you want to hear that, you do have to subscribe,
Speaker 1: but there is a link in the bio of our
Speaker 1: Spotify page just to have a peek and see some
Speaker 1: of the exclusive content that you can unlock. And as always,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for your support. It's just been
Speaker 1: insane recently how many new listeners we have, and as always,
Speaker 1: the people who have been supporting this podcast since the beginning.
Speaker 1: You guys are wonderful, So thank you so much and
Speaker 1: I will speak to you next week.