The New Ark

This week: armoured dildos... oops- damn autocorrect! This week: armadillos!! Leprosied lunatics and cancerous cretins, these creatures' reputations take one hell of a beating. Is their chance at arkly salvation a far cry? Will they ball up and die? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives.

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This week: chrysalises crucified in a caterpillarific episode. Butterflies bashed as genocidal maniacs with appalling personal hygiene standards. Will they fly high or had they better flee? Arch enemy or ark-angel? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives.

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Polly might want a strong shot of whisky after hearing this episode. Brigands, imperialists, sexists, antifeminists and idiots who can only count to six; it's pandemonium for parrots' reputations this episode. Do they merit a ticket onboard The New Ark or ought they get blown up with the other sodding creatures? Share your thoughts @newarkhives.

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Are our closest relatives saints or sinners? Chimps are on the chopping block this week with hose-based pranks and Hollywood 'facts' serving as damning testimony against them. They've already been banned from eating bananas- will they be left behind when the earth explodes next week? You decide- cast your vote @newarkhives.

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This week: Saf questions the nature of good and evil whilst Elliot bitches about Disney princesses. We have our first ever joke for the podcast and learn how to get high off skin secretions from the spawn of satan. What could be better than that? Not frogs. Cos' they suck. Head to @newarkhives after the show to share the hate :)

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Prepare for pandamonium this week as Saf pulls out all stops and Elliot seeks to sabotage Chinese culture and government. Nothing is black and white on this all-out showdown featuring panda monks pissing whilst doing handstands. Drop by @newarkhives afterward to register as an official baby-hater and kick pandas off the planet.

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Towering examples of animal excellence or just the usual pains in the neck? That's right- this week giraffes are under scrutiny to see whether their high-brow image stands up to Elliot's 'piss in the mouth' cross-examination. Don't forget to check in @newarkhives afterwards to vote on giraffe treadmills and UK flags.

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Hop on board as we head Down Under and buckle up- 'cos you know what they say about beasts with big feet!! Listen in close for The New Ark's first and only improv game show segment, then head to @newarkhives afterwards to register your vote (which is mandatory in Australia, just saying). The right answer's NO :)

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They're like really long rats, but can they weasel their way onto The New Ark? Tune in to find out. The furry fiends are a farmer's worst friend and (spoiler alert) they die if they don't have sex, but there's only one thing that counts here, and that's your vote. Stop by @newarkhives and drop a line aye or nay for ferrets in space.

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Dove of peace of fat winged rat? Here's your chance to find out. Will the infamous pigeon stand up to the grilling of The New Ark's cross-examining or can we expect a New Year's squab to join the Christmas leftovers? Join the debate on social media @newarkhives.

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