PodCastle

* Author : Michelle Ann King
* Narrator : Christiana Ellis
* Host : Christie Yant
* Audio Producer : Peter Wood
*
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PodCastle 403, ARTEMIS RISING: Send in the Ninjas is a PodCastle original.


Rated PG-13
Welcome back to Artemis Rising II!
Send in the Ninjas
by Michelle Ann King
The streets are more full of snow than people tonight, lending everything an enjoyably deserted, apocalyptic air. Isabel smiles as she walks home, humming happily to herself. Getting stood up never fails to put her in a good mood.
She always goes on the dates her mother sets up, but she much prefers it when the other person doesn’t show. That way, Isabel still gets credit for trying, while also getting to skip straight to the part where she doesn’t have to go on a second date.
Sexual relationships are a minefield Isabel would rather not have to navigate. She works as a copy-editor for a publisher that specialises in erotic science fiction, and real life never stands up to the sex in the books. She also worries about her left breast being a slightly different shape from the right—her last boyfriend was an artist, and his preoccupation with proportion gave her a bit of a complex. All things considered, it simply doesn’t seem worth it.

One day, she’ll explain that to her mother. Just not today.
As if Isabel’s thoughts have conjured her up, Barbara walks around the corner. She’s got Mattie with her, which probably means they’ve been to church. Barbara drags Isabel’s sister to churches a lot, hoping that one of them will eventually agree to exorcise her.
“You’re back early,” Mattie says. “Another no-show?”
Isabel nods and tries to look disappointed, while Mattie grins and gives her a thumbs-up over Barbara’s shoulder.
“If you didn’t get any dinner,” Mattie says, “shall we pick up  a take-away? How about—”
Barbara holds up a hand. “Mattie. Let your sister choose.”
“It’s okay,” Isabel says. “I don’t mind.”
“Isabel, we’ve talked about this,” Barbara says, sternly. “Make a decision. Pizza? Fish and chips? Curry? Come on, that’s only three options.”
Isabel shakes her head, because it’s not. It’s mushroom and olive, and rocket and goat’s cheese, and stuffed crust pepperoni. It’s battered cod, halibut, plaice, steaming onion rings and minced steak pies. Saveloys. Are saveloys actually food? Then there’s Korma, Balti, Rogan Josh, Madras—all in different varieties of meat, fish and vegetables. Duck, sometimes. And that’s without even considering the uncountable combinations of bread, rice, and side dishes.
How can you know what’s going to be best? How can you know the King Prawn Jalfrezi will be nicer than the Chicken Tikka? How can you possibly know?
‘Isabel,’ Mattie says. ‘Breathe.’
Mattie chooses things without even looking at a menu. Isabel has no idea how she does that. Perhaps Barbara’s right, and she really does have occult powers.
‘Just a second,’ Isabel says. She activates her Feed and sends a request for analysis on the satisfaction index of her doppels’ recent dinner options.
‘Oh, Isabel,’ Barbara says, looking disappointed. ‘That’s cheating.’
‘It’s all right,’ Mattie says. ‘We’ll just make a sandwich when we get in.’ She squeezes Isabel’s hand. ‘You worry too much. You do know that, don’t you?’
Isabel sighs. Above her, a tree dumps a branchful of snow on her head. ‘I do,’ she says. It’s something she worries about a lot.

Mattie is the woman who invented the DoppelFeed.