Jem Girls Podcast

If you’ve ever been to a shopping mall, you know those bitches be terrifying. For one, malls are teeming with sinister cabals of cane-brandishing and cloak-wearing elders who cast their judgmental gaze at all the rest of us who are actually there to buy shit and not just there to take advantage of the free seating and climate controlled environment. For two, around every corner one might have the misfortune of witnessing a teenaged girl giving a dry hand job to her greasy, pimple-faced boyfriend, or perhaps even a hoard of teens shoving tide pods and flaming hot cheetos down their gullets while their mouth breathing miscreant friend records them for social media clout. But scarier than all of that, are the roving packs of robot security guards who will blow your head off with lasers if you dare cross them. 

Oh, you’ve never heard of killer robot mall cops? Well, that is the entire premise of the movie “Chopping Mall,” the 1986 horror B-movie where literally ZERO bitches die by getting chopped. It was written by some trick named Jim Wynorski and starred a cast of complete nobodies. This is the movie we are talking about this week on Jem Girls, and boy did it get us all hot and bot-ered (it legit didn’t, I just wanted to use that pun). 

So, check it. There are some teen guys and gals (and one married couple who are like 36) who really want to have a sex party at one of their dad’s furniture stores (plenty of surfaces for fucking. Don’t worry, they’ll be cleaning the sheets, as one character Cocaine Chris—not his real name—reassures us). Unbeknownst to them, the mall just enlisted a fleet of robot night watchmen to guard the mall against crime after hours. A whole mess of shit happens, but the basic gist is this: the “killbots” shoot a bunch of fat lasers (with very poor aim, I might add), cause explosions, and kill a bunch of teens. The two who survive are virgin dweebs, so there’s a lesson in there about something, perhaps, maybe, probably not. 

If we learned anything from this movie, it is that even though robot security guards move at a snail’s pace and have the shooting accuracy of a blind toddler with hams for fists, they will get ya so beware.