TonioTimeDaily

"Personal story of being raped, the impact, and how to heal from the trauma of rape.

I will not deny that rape is a horrible thing. It is an invasion of your senses, it can leave you scarred for life. I know, my first sexual experience was rape, and I was gang-raped two years after that. I will never forget what happened to me, or how it made me feel. What I did choose to do, is not let it ruin the rest of my life, although it almost did. Maybe telling my story will help some of you stop from making the same mistakes I did.

I was raped on the 21st of September 1977; two days after my sixteenth birthday. I consider myself fortunate that my boyfriend at the time did not want to be convicted for 'jail-baiting' and waited until I was 16. We had been dating a month.

I did not even know what was happening, it was over quickly. I remember that, and the fact that I don't think I was there (in my body). I just floated off to get away from the shock of it all.

Unlike many girls my age, I did not have a clue what sex involved, and my only impression of it for a long time afterward was numbness and pain. I did not have a close relationship with my family, although I still lived at home. I remember getting to a girlfriend's place after it happened and ringing my mom to ask permission to stay there the night. I told my girlfriend what had happened, but nobody else. I never saw my boyfriend again - obviously, he got what he wanted. He did make a point of spreading around talk about "how lousy I was in bed." At the time, I did not think this had affected me in any way, except it started an anger against my parents for not being there for me, which only now at almost 40, I am learning to deal with.

At 17, I moved away from home and went to a city about two hours drive away. I could only be termed as 'loose' in those days. I had no respect for my sexuality and it never crossed my mind I could say 'no' to sex. I never actively pursued sex, I just never said no to anyone who asked.

I was also drinking every single day, yet as I still held down a full time job, I just assumed this was how every other teenager lived.

Just after my 18th birthday, I found myself in a situation in a van with three men in their 20's. The woman that I was boarding with was going out with one of them, on the sly. When her husband came home, she sent me out to the van, down the road, to get rid of them. I was so stupid to do this, but have always been willing to help anyone out."

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