TonioTimeDaily

"The Don’ts…

If you’re having one night stands to…

– Put a bandage on the cancer of your loneliness and insecurities.

– Emotionally cut in the name of reaffirming a self-fulfilling prophecy that you aren’t worth a real relationship.

– Carry out an experiment to see if you’re so good that you can hook the other person into wanting more (whether that’s more sex, a relationship, whatever it may be).

– Seek validation, attention, love, or approval.

– Fill a void because you don’t know how to be alone. You are desperate for true love but are always in a limerent state. You crave intimacy but feel like you don’t have the social skills or confidence for anything more than physical intimacy.

– Feed an addiction. For some people, one night stands are a full-blown addiction. Because you feel so worthless and unloved, you become addicted to feeling wanted, special, and loved for a night.

• Don’t ever think that having a one night stand is going to change anyone – yourself or the other person.
• Don’t do it if you already know you are going to have a regret hangover.
• Don’t do it if you know that you’ll get emotionally attached/dependent/clingy/anxious. Also, don’t do it to perform a test/prove to yourself that you can do it without getting attached. You will lose every time.
• Don’t do it if you are using the one night stand to try to get the other person (or the situation) to make you feel a way that you can’t make yourself feel.
• Don’t do it to forget your ex (even if they were toxic. It will just highlight their absence that much more if you haven’t done the emotional work. A one night stand won’t erase or replace anyone).
• I would also suggest not doing it if you’re drunk or on drugs. It’s a bad look and unsafe.

There are many reasons why people will have a one night stand (whether it’s just once or habitually):

• It’s a way to connect with another person at a time where it may be too painful and risky to emotionally connect.
• Carrot dangling. It’s a way to see if we really are THAT irresistible, attractive, and special (we have a one night stand and then, tie our value to seeing if the other person will follow up with us and want more).
• It’s a way, for one night anyway, to be the person that we wish we could consistently be (more spontaneous, more open, more sexual, more care-free, less anxious, more adventurous, etc.).
• It’s an escape.
• It’s a carefree, enjoyable, superficial connection via substantial (and hopefully gratifying) physical means.
• It’s a way to prove that you are attractive and desired without having to put yourself out there emotionally and relationally (where there is a higher possibility of rejection). There’s much less of a possibility of rejection when it comes to no strings attached sex being on the table.
• It can be a form of compulsive avoidance. Being so busy “living in the moment” gives you a valid license to avoid facing the deeper issues that may be causing this behavior."

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