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"Orgasm equity is apart of my sexual relationships!" -Antonio Myers

“You seem like a very sexual person.”

A few years ago, I probably would’ve said “yes, I am” in response to this comment from someone I’d recently met and told I write about sex and relationships.

In fact, I used to self-identify as “a very sexual person” – until I realized that’s what we call women just for being sexual, period.

I get a lot of comments like this for doing nothing out of the ordinary. People have assumed I have a ton of sex just because I admit to enjoying sex, that I’m super kinky because I own sex toys, and that I’m into casual sex because I talk about sexuality.

When people call me “a very sexual person,” what they’re really saying is that they didn’t expect me to be sexual at all. So, any level of sexuality I express seems high to them.

A whole lot of sexist and heteronormative assumptions go into that reaction, since it’s based on a binary view of gender and sexuality that says men are sexual predators, women are prey, and sex exclusively occurs between men and women. While I don’t subscribe to this view, this article will be addressing it, since it affects how people treat me.

Here are a few myths about openly sexual women that lead to comments like “you seem like a very sexual person.”

1. We’re Unusual

One of the biggest myths about openly sexual women is that we just don’t exist. Yet many women and gender minorities are sexual beings, just like many men are. (Some are asexual, but then again, some men are.)

Our view of women as less sexual stems from our view of women as less human. Men are supposedly subjects of desire, while women are just objects of it. This applies not just to sexual desires but also to other desires, like the desire for career success or food.

Though desire is depicted as unfeminine, it’s really not related to gender.

If it seems like women are less sexual than men, maybe that’s because we’re not socially permitted to be. One study found that when women were told they would have a positive experience and not be judged, they were just as interested in casual sex as men.

Yet women still seem to make headlines just for admitting to having sexual desires. I once ended up in The Daily Mail simply for stating that I could simultaneously be interested in sex and wait until I was in a relationship to do it (and “insisting” my partners respect that).

Even if I didn’t have any sex, that wouldn’t make me less sexual either. You can be sexual in whatever way you want, even if it’s just in your thoughts and feelings. And contrary to what we’re taught, a woman does not need a man to make her a sexual being."

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