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"4. Sex is a human right. Being able to safely and freely experience sexuality is a facet of basic human functioning. Sexual violence takes away this sense of safety, and affects many aspects of a person’s overall well-being. However, it is important to remember that not having sex is an important part of a person’s right to safe sexuality and self-determination. Asexual individuals may feel romantic love and develop intimate relationships without a desire to engage in sex – this is a valid sexual orientation like any other. When working with asexual survivors, it is important to not assume their identity is the result of trauma. These assumptions often emerge from limiting views about gender and sexuality. Let survivors narrate their own story and do not make assumptions. Remember, “sex” includes an incredibly wide variety of behaviors far beyond heterosexual intercourse, including: self-love, erotic breath work, touch, physical intimacy without penetration and so much more. Finally, as Audre Lorde and Aurora Levins-Morales point out, whether we participate in “sex” in any “conventional” sense is not really important. What matters is that we do not lose our internal sense of the erotic aliveness of our bodies and the world around us. When we awaken our souls and bodies to pleasure, the choice to have or not have sex or engage in sexuality is not the result of trauma, but rather, our own agency, self-knowledge, and desire."

"Fantasies are images or scenes that produce enjoyable feelings - they can range from brief thoughts or images to stories with detailed plotlines. They may deal with actual past experiences, purely imagined experiences, or a mixture of both. They can be non-sexual – e.g. fantasising about becoming a millionaire or being a world-famous rock star, and they can be sexual – fantasising about kissing your favourite celebrity, about having sex with a colleague or a friend, and so on. Some people fantasise during sex about being out-of-control or being forced to have sex against their will. There are many theories as to why people have rape fantasies and it is an area that is still very much taboo and hushhush in society. Some people believe that having a rape fantasy means that the person fantasising wants to be raped, some people believe that fantasising about rape means you are masochistic, some people believe that a rape survivor should not find fantasising about rape sexually arousing. Many survivors working through their sexual healing who have rape fantasies experience a lot of shame and confusion – they may feel disgusted with themselves for having a rape fantasy, they may feel that enjoying fantasising about rape invalidates the trauma that they went through, they may question if they actually wanted to be raped and so on. This article will discuss some of the main questions about rape fantasies that a survivor of sexual violence may have and hopefully assist in helping the survivor to understand their fantasies without shame and judgment. Remember of course that human sexuality is highly individual and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to understanding why we fantasise about the things we do - it is unlikely that all people have rape fantasies for the same reason."

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