TonioTimeDaily

"Virginity and the compulsory script of sex

The dominant rhetoric around sex views it as a contest. The language of first base (kissing), second base (breasts), third base (genitals), and home-run (peno-vaginal penetrative sex) makes sex seem like a race to an orgasm. There is supposed to be this scripted linear progression of what should be done after what during sexual intercourse. So we call everything we do before penetrative sex as “foreplay” and just the act of penetrative sex as “sex.” We place lesser value on “making out” than we do on penetrative sex.

If you’ve not had specifically penis-in-vagina sex, you’re called a “virgin” which is a patriarchal and heterosexual way of thinking about sex. We obsess over whether a woman’s hymen in broken or intact, and classify women as virgins or non-virgins on the basis of it. Virginity is a social construct that commodifies women’s bodies, but is culturally emphasised upon heavily. Brides in some traditions have to wear white on their wedding day to signify purity and virginity. Mary is called a virgin in Christian mythology. A woman’s sexual “purity” is believed to be attached to her virginity, reducing a woman to her body, her vagina and giving men immense power over being able to “transform” women into non-virgins. Such an understanding of sex also erases experiences of lesbian, bisexual, trans* women, who are not considered to have “lost their virginity” unless they’ve had heterosexual sex with men.

Beyond virginity, in the past, some of my sexual partners (men as well as women) have been worried they’re not “doing this right”, have felt the need to shave their genitalia, and have faked orgasms to pass off being “good” at sex. This pressure in bed comes in only when we think of sex as a performance to be carried out in a specific way in order to be “good” at it. What does being good or bad at sex even mean? There is no right or wrong way to have sex as long as consent is respected. Thin, flexible, hairless bodies are not “better” at sex. We should focus on feeling good instead of doing it “right”, on enjoying the experience instead of worrying if we’re “good enough”, and understand that orgasms are not the goal of sex. Pleasure, in whatever way you may feel comfortable mutually experiencing it, is the only goal of sex.

Importance of care in sex

You can be caring without being in a romantic relationship. A toxic thing many straight folx do is treat sexual partners differently from romantic partners, especially during “casual” hookups without romantic commitments. Not having romantic feelings is used as a justification to not care about one’s sexual partner.

All women who have had “no strings attached” hookups have experienced this uncaring behaviour — the ghosting, the aversion to cuddling after sex, the cold messages when you’re not physically around each other, and the freaking out if you text a “♥️” or say you miss them. Women, you deserve a partner who is honest, respectful, and affectionate even if it’s a “casual” scene. You deserve to be with people who want to introduce you to their friends. It’s beautiful to be excited to see your partner, no matter how un-committed you are. Don’t accept trash treatment from men just because you don’t romantically like each other. Care has nothing to do with romance. It has everything to do with being a decent human being."

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