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"1. Don’t Only Make Sex About Reproduction

Most of the ways in which we talk about sex with children is in reproductive terms. From answering the “Where do babies come from?” question to having a conversation about puberty, the link between sexuality and procreation is a constant one.

But for almost all children, and for most teens, this is not the most salient aspect of sex.

Yet separating sex from reproduction can be hard to do. That’s because then you need to talk about desire, and pleasure, and as I did recently with my nine-year-old, things like oral sex. (“Eeeew,” she groaned after I gave a basic description, “That is so gross. What if someone didn’t wipe!?”)

But kids find a lot of things kind of gross and aren’t traumatized.

And explaining that many people have sex not to have babies, but because it feels nice and can forge intimacy and connection, isn’t actually all that hard to say.

Plus, you can always add that if something sounds unappealing, that’s a pretty good sign that a kid sure isn’t ready to experiment with it yet! And you can always let your kids know that they don’t ever have to do something they find unappealing and that no one should ever expect them to do something that sounds gross to them.

2. Start Conversations About Consent Early

Over the past few years, we have seen the emergence of a long overdue public discussion on consent – which is a great thing.

However, most of the focus has been on consent between teens, college students, and young adults. And while these are crucial populations to address, if we really want to nail sex positivity, we need to talk about consent long before high school – and in ways that don’t always link it to sex.

When addressing consent with young kids, you can teach them that they need to get permission to touch others by asking peers and siblings things like “Can I hug you?” or “Can I hold your hand?”

Children should also have their physical boundaries respected by adults.

Adults often think it is perfectly fine to continue to tickle or wrestle a child who is asking them to stop. But it isn’t – and it teaches kids that they don’t really have control over their bodies.

But if their limits are respected, then they can better learn how to identify when lines are belong crossed. This will also help them assert themselves now and in the future.

Kids should also be allowed to change their minds. They shouldn’t, for instance, be taught that keeping a promise is always the most moral thing to do. Enforcing this code can make children feel that they have to follow through with something they earlier agreed to, but that they have since realized isn’t a good idea, or which now makes them uncomfortable.

With older kids, explain that consent for sex can be withdrawn at any time.

Just because you told someone you would hook up with them earlier doesn’t mean you actually have to. Plus, kids and teens should know that you can stop a sexual interaction at any time, even if both people are naked and fooling around. Even in the middle of a sex act."

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