TonioTimeDaily

“Content Warning: sexual assault) Many survivors of sexual assault will experience changes or difficulties when engaging in sexual activity afterward. When we conceptualize the ways a person is changed after sexual assault – whether big or small, temporary or permanent, and anything in between – we must consider the impact that sexual assault has on a person’s sexual self. Sexual assault can change the way a person experiences sex. A person’s sexual desires, drive, preferences, and comfort can change in a multitude of ways after experiencing sexual violence. We have a shared social stereotype about sex as impossible after rape. We like to think of sexual assault survivors as broken and damaged and unable to ever function “normally” in any way, especially sexually. Well, that’s fucked up, and it’s just objectively false. It’s true that sex is often more difficult after a sexual assault, but it’s entirely false that a survivor will not be capable of engaging in healthy sex. That’s just hurtful rhetoric that relies too heavily on the “dirty lollipop” version of sex — that once a person loses their “virginity,” they’re worthless. That’s not true in the case of consensual sex, and it’s really not true in the case of sexual assault. But to experience difficulty — emotionally or physically — is an entirely real and legitimate experience, and one that is shared among many people who have experienced sexual violence of any form, and at any time. It’s almost like the body and the mind can’t quite tell that consensual sex with a safe partner is different from the assault itself because physically, many of the actions are the same. If someone was held down while being raped, for example, it only makes sense that being held down (even consensually) or being on the bottom (again, even consensually) could be a triggering experience. This is one of the many effects that survivors of sexual violence experience. This can take shape physically as well as emotionally. But please, if you experience physical pain during sexual activity, especially after an assault, please talk to a health care provider. It’s possible that the body is holding emotional trauma, but it’s also possible that the body was injured and needs care. Sometimes it feels hard to exist in a body after being assaulted, and sometimes it feels even harder to experience physical pleasure. Survivors find themselves wondering if they deserve to feel pleasure, if it’s safe to feel pleasure, how in the world they will ever be able to survive physical intimacy with another person. These questions and fears are entirely legitimate. And we all deserve a healthy sex life if we want one. So here are some things to keep in mind as you embark on the journey of understanding your sexuality after an assault: You deserve goodness. You, as a human creature, deserve goodness. This is something that I know unequivocally. I know this from the depth of my being, that you, dear human, deserve goodness. You deserve to be touched and seen and known, if that’s what your deepest heart desires. You also deserve to be touched and seen and known on your own terms and at your own pace. You deserve to declare the terms under which you engage in any sexual activity. I say this despite it being overwhelmingly obvious to those of us who believe in the necessity of consent (which is all of us) because I want you to know that even if you are married, even if you are in a relationship, even if you were having sex all the fucking time before your assault, even if anything, you don’t owe anyone sex. Ever.” Compliment each other bodies and personalities poetically and erotically (sensually too.) --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/support