Marriage After God

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How often have you had the intention to do something or change in some way, but in the end you don’t follow through? Whether it is a promise you have made to another, or even to yourself, words have power. And when we use our words to make commitments, we should take them seriously. Oftentimes we find it easy to make promises with our words but have no intention of following through, or find it difficult to keep that promise. Now, our vows may not always take the form of the words “I promise I will…” but instead may sound like “I’ll be there at 10,” or “I’ll pray for you,” Or “I am going to get up at 6 am and read my bible every day.” Many times, this leads to discrepancies between what we say and what we actually do. Scripture informs us to take care with our words and warns against taking oaths.

James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

Matthew 5:37  Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.

Sometimes we may think our words are strong enough to get ourselves to do something, or we might even have the intention of following through, but our lives have become so chaotic that our capability to follow through is void. Other times, we might desire to look good in that specific moment, but have no real intention of following through. It is important that we evaluate ourselves honestly in these instances and consider our intentions and how our words impact others. As Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

When we are careless with our words, and make promises and commitments we do not have the capacity to follow through with, we often end up hurting those around us. Rather than attempting to please people in the moment, we should be prepared with practical things to say or do instead. For example, telling someone you cannot give an answer in the moment, that you need time to think about it, or even simply telling that person no is necessary because saying nothing is better than not keeping your word. Consider the instruction given in Ecclesiastes 5:4: When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. 5 It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. And in Ecclesiastes 5:2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. As followers of Christ, we must value our integrity and carry ourselves differently than the rest of the world. Our words should carry weight and truth, instead of serving to reinforce falsehoods about ourselves such as the lie that we can’t change.

Ultimately, we may never be completely in control of our tongues, but we serve a God who never goes back on His promises. We can trust in His word, and His promises and what He has said. We can ask him to teach us. We can practice following through, perhaps even having consequences for our failure. We can practice saying “yes” or “no” instead of “maybe” or something else. We can remember although we are not perfect, we follow the one who is, and we can be a light to the world by staying true to our word.

The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do. — Rory Vaden

Success comes from what you do, not from what you say you are going to do. — Larry Winget

Do what you say you're going to do! People can do nothing but respect that. — Steve Harvey

Dear Lord, 

Thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness, to do the things we say we are going to do, to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask You to transform this part of us. Give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies, our discrepancies, and our failure to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we are going to do. 

In Jesus’ name AMEN!

TRANSCRIPT

Aaron:

Hi, and welcome to Marriage After God. We're your host, Erin and Jennifer Smith. Being tongue-tied or twisted is one thing, but what happens when we intentionally use our tongue to cut deeply, to persuade for our benefit or to serve up half truths and blatant lies? In this episode, we are putting the spotlight on our tongues and considering the way we use our words.  

Jennifer:

Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. We try not to do ads, we don't have any ads and so we're trying to keep this show ad free. And one of the ways we do that is by people like our patrons who support us monthly financially.  

Aaron:

Another interesting thing that we'd love to do is highlight some of those patrons. So this week we are giving a shout out to Debra S, Whitney s and Valerie. B. Thank you guys so much for partnering with us and blessing tens of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.  

Jennifer:

If you've been blessed by the free marriage after God content that we create we'd love to invite you to join our patron team.  

Aaron:

Also, if you choose to sign up at $20 a month, you can get a $50 gift card to our online store. To purchase any one of our books and resources at your first renewal date,  

Jennifer:

Please visit marriage after god.com/patron, P A T R O N.  

Aaron:

All right, so everybody, even the listeners think right now cause we're in the first of the year, January still. What's something you're doing today excited about or something that's just new that you weren't doing this time last year or you didn't have this time last year?  

Jennifer:

Ours would be chickens, . Lots of chickens.  

Aaron:

Chickens.  

Jennifer:

We got 20 chickens. We talked about it a couple episodes. It's not a couple few episodes ago but with the price of eggs around the country right  

Aaron:

Now, it finally makes sense. Yeah.  

Jennifer:

Now it's like, yeah, this is a golden goose where we have these chickens laying golden eggs. Hold  

Aaron:

On. I have to say this. I have mentioned in the past that I find enjoyment in memes and those pictures with the writing on it. Mm-hmm. That tell jokes. I just, I'm a jokester. And so when we got these chickens, I was like, man, I really need to learn more about chickens. And so I went on Facebook and added all these chicken groups like Lo, some are local, some are not.  

Jennifer:

Oh, that's  

Aaron:

Funny. But because the price of eggs have gone up, everybody's posting these chicken memes and they're so funny.  

Jennifer:

Are they also posting eggs for like $20 a dozen?  

Aaron:

Oh, it's crazy.  

Jennifer:

But what's really cool is not only that we're getting eggs, they're not free. So I don't want anyone to think they're free because we still have to pay for the food and all the things. But I was going  

Aaron:

To say, we're putting in the work.  

Jennifer:

We're putting in the work, but we're getting lots of eggs. And what's awesome is we can share 'em with our friends and family. And so that's been pretty cool. And also it's been really neat to see the kids take on that responsibility.  

Aaron:

Even in the cold  

Jennifer:

They go and it's been cold. It's cold. So they go out, they feed 'em, they go out and olive of us always out there just holding the chickens. And we look out the window and she's just in the coop walking around with one of the chickens on her head. It's so funny and so cute. But with  

Aaron:

It being cold, I remember one time it was so early in the morning, maybe seven, and I could see her waving through the sliding glass door. She's over at the chicken run where she needs to get in to feed them. And she's waving her arms and I open the cider. It's like, oh what? What's up olive? And she goes, the lock is frozen shut.  

Jennifer:

Yeah, it does get frozen shut. Cause it's moisture on it and then it doesn't move. And they have to, I watch her, she watch takes 10 minutes to get the thing broken open,  

Aaron:

But they don't complain. And I really, it's really cool to see them grow up and it's going to be, take  

Jennifer:

Ownership everyone. It's worth it now. Cause we got all sorts of eggs. We, we've been trying to find ways of using the eggs because we have so many of 'em, but  

Aaron:

Lots of Dutch babies  

Jennifer:

And I just did some hard boiled eggs. And those are, Wyatt loves hard boiled  

Aaron:

Eggs. Something I do for You're not in a hurry. I hate to keep going. No,  

Jennifer:

Keep going. On eggs. Speaking of eggs, chickens  

Aaron:

And eggs. I was just going to bring up how bad of a baker I am. Not really, but I am just I'm You're good Baker. Hit or miss. Okay.  

Jennifer:

But well, baking is a science  

Aaron:

This year. Something I added to our homeschool curriculum is around the world tea. And we've invited our friends families over to do these tea parties in different cities around the world. And we have friends in our living  

Jennifer:

Room.  

Aaron:

It's just, yeah, we set up all the kids, set up the chairs so that it's like we're going on an airplane and I have passports for all the kids. It's really cute. But our friends, some of the friends have lineage in some of these cities around the world. And so our friends, Stan and Jessica, hi guys,  

Jennifer:

You guys get mentioned the most. Yeah. What're saying  

Aaron:

Have ties and lineage to Russia and we are going to go to Moscow. So we invited them and their kids over to do this. And I was like, okay, I'm going to go Google. What are some Russian teacakes or cookies or treats? And there's these things called, I'm going to not say the name, but it's called a Zuki  

Jennifer:

Suki  

Aaron:

Or something like that. Something like that. And it's, it looks like a bagel, but they're looks like a little smaller round kind of harder cracker thing's on the sweeter side. And I tried making them, and they're going to be here in an hour and a half, and I'm trying to roll out this dough and I've got it stuck to my hands. It's  

Jennifer:

Not working the way you expected it to. It's like sticky. Instead of it being like doughy.  

Aaron:

Oh my goodness. It was a mess. I was a wreck. And I'm like, Aaron, help. But  

Jennifer:

Although they didn't come out pretty, they tasted really good.  

Aaron:

The kids did like them. And I was bringing that up because I quite a few of them, I used eggs for it and it required an egg wash. And so we are trying to use the eggs, but I need better recipes. Just kidding. I need to be good in the  

Jennifer:

Kitchen. Bread, brownies, cookies. I'm just giving you ideas here. Okay, got it. Egg soup. So in episode one of this season, we talked about this word for the year, discrepancy.  

Aaron:

Oh, I didn't want to talk about that again. I  

Jennifer:

Know how there's a difference between who we want to be or should be and who we actually are.  

Aaron:

The reason I said that is because I'm personally working on working through this Well,  

Jennifer:

And we are together. It's  

Aaron:

A lot.  

Jennifer:

You got your own little journey  

Aaron:

Going on. I'm noticing it a lot. Yeah.  

Jennifer:

Where are you noticing it the most?  

Aaron:

That's  

Jennifer:

Discrepancy  

Aaron:

Currently with the kids and the way that I parent, which is not good. Just when I say one thing and then if they ask me again and again, I, I'll break down and give in and  

Jennifer:

They've just pegged you is what it is. They get me figured it out.  

Aaron:

And another one is a very specific one is coffee. And okay, what does that mean?  

Jennifer:

Explain the  

Aaron:

Coffee. I know it's so personal. I just don't feel great when I drink it, but there's this kind of craving I get for it. And so I end up  

Jennifer:

Telling no coffee, drinker listening, understands what you're talking about.  

Aaron:

I end up saying in my head or saying out loud to you, yeah, I'm not going to drink coffee for a while and the next morning I'm drinking coffee. makes no  

Jennifer:

Sense. What? No, you yeah. Say, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore because I don't feel good. And then the very next day, you're I here and I'm like, you just tell me she's not going to drink coffee  

Aaron:

Anymore. But here's the difference because we brought up this, that episode and because I'm working on this personally, I decided to start taking notes. And so I have a little in notes on your phone, I decided to make a note and I'm going to peek at that. I'm keeping track of all the times that it hits me and I'm like, oh, there's one. There's a discrepancy. So  

Jennifer:

The point is, the overarching theme often in our discrepancies is in our words. Like you said, I'm not going to, yeah.  

Aaron:

And then you do, because I did. I say one thing and I do the opposite.  

Jennifer:

So it comes in this form of we say something, our words have meaning and power, but we often find it easy to make a promise to say with our mouth, our words, but have no intention to follow through or find out. It's hard to keep that promise, to keep that word. Like you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore, but the next day when you are tired and you want the taste of the espresso, and so at that point you're confronted with your words. You're like, well, do I mean what I say? No, not this time.  

Aaron:

And these are things that we say or promises or commitments that we're saying to our spouse, kids, friends, maybe even more often than all of them is ourselves.  

Jennifer:

These words that we say that we aren't going to follow through or through with. Often it doesn't come in the form of, I promise I will. It's actually rarely that  

Aaron:

A declaration,  

Jennifer:

I mean in the beginning of the year we do resolutions. This is a form of that. Yeah, I'm going to be this year going to, but usually it sounds more like I'll be there in 10 minutes or I'll be leaving in five minutes, or I'll pray for you, or I'm going to stop drinking coffee, whatever. I'm going to get up 6:00 AM I'm going to read the Bible every day. I'll stop saying that, that we, there's things that we say,  

Aaron:

I added this one. I I'm going to avoid gluten  

Jennifer:

Because you're supposed to. Yeah not right now, but later. So what I'm saying is that I'll be there in 10 minutes, but it really, it's going to be 25 minutes  

Aaron:

Or longer.  

Jennifer:

So it's not always in the form of promise. We say things that we either can't or won't follow through on,  

Aaron:

Or maybe we are just not thinking it's not that big of a deal because I was joking when I said I put the one, I'm going to avoid gluten, even though I do know it's a big deal, I tell myself it's not that big of a  

Jennifer:

Deal. Yeah, I know this just once. What's this once?  

Aaron:

Or, I've been doing really good so it's fine.  

Jennifer:

Or I'll be home in like I said in a few minutes. But really it's longer than that. What happens every time we do that is it's just adding another little like, oh, that wasn't truth. That's not what you said. Everyone listenings, they have a list of these. They're like, oh, I, there's that thing that bothers me when they say one thing, they say this and then this is what happens. And it's a pattern. Before we move on to getting into this even deeper, I just wanted to ask, if you're loving these episodes, would you leave a review if you haven't done it yet? If you have left a review? We're so thankful for every single review that our listeners leave, we love reading them. And every time someone leaves a review, it helps boost the rankings for our podcast so more people can find it.  

Aaron:

So how often do we say we are going to do something or change in some way? But the moment we have that opportunity to follow through with it, we choose not to,  

Jennifer:

I think a lot  

Aaron:

More than we recognize. I mean, I'm only recognizing it because I'm keeping notes in my phone  

Jennifer:

And you're recognizing like, oh, this happened 12 times today. Not the one time that I was thinking of.  

Aaron:

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently and we were talking about parenting and how challenging it can be at times. And I was encouraging her that in those moments when our kids tell a lie or do something, they're not supposed to talk back or whatever. The thing is that they are tests that we get to as parents grade and correct. And we get to guide them toward the standard of character that we desire for them. But that's also mentioned in the Bible, and  

Jennifer:

You're raising that in that admonition of the Lord, the training.  

Aaron:

I was just telling her, these things are going to come. It doesn't mean your child's going to be a liar or someone who constantly steals. These are things that in the flesh we're tempted by. And as parents, we get the opportunity to guide them. And this is why we show them the way.  

Jennifer:

This is why we should have self-control.  

Aaron:

Right. But they're tests, and as I'm explaining this, I'm realizing even as an adult, like,  

Jennifer:

Oh, your opportunities,  

Aaron:

We still have opportunities that were being tested and the Lord's grading and correcting us. So I just thought that was  

Jennifer:

Yeah, well, it's had  

Aaron:

To do with what we're talking  

Jennifer:

About. Well, and it does because we say something, and often in scriptures, someone would vow something and then they would immediately be tested to see if they're going to follow through. Sometimes they had horrible consequences. And you can go read in the Old Testament some of these stories but this idea that God wants to know if we're going to be faithful to our words, but also knows that sometimes we can't. And that's something I wanted to encourage us later on in this, but  

Aaron:

Well before we get there, what are some examples from our own life? Is there anything specific that maybe  

Jennifer:

Yeah, I mean, you brought up your coffee. That's one that's, it's a small one, but it's a real one. It's something in the gluten, the gluten. For me lately, my kids have been wanting to go work out in the garage with us. So we have our gym out there and they ask, can we go work out? Can we, they want to go in the treadmill and they want want to do my row machine. And  

Aaron:

It's fu real quick. It's funny seeing their mentality shift from, they know they're growing up and now they want to do grown kids older things  

Jennifer:

And be part well and they want more time and they want to do what we do. And often they have more of a desire to go to the gym than I was going to say. This is a two-part example because being constant at out and haven't been at all. So I, I'm like, I'm going to be consistent and I'm not consistent. So my kids are more desiring and more consistent in wanting to work out than I am, which I think is funny. But they ask us, can you wake us up so we can go work out with you? And I'll tell them yes and then not follow through with it. And so there's times that they're like, I told them tomorrow morning and then things come up. So it's not that I just  

Aaron:

Work through that on here so that our listeners can hear. What are some of the reasons why you wouldn't wake them up?  

Jennifer:

Well, either I to didn't realize, but I had to leave early so I couldn't wake him up or I slept in myself because I was tired and so I didn't wake 'em up. Or  

Aaron:

We had a late night the night before and you think their sleep is more important.  

Jennifer:

And so I don't go wake them up. But I've been trying to, if I said I was going to do it, then the other day you're like, why don't you just go out right now? And it was like before bed. And I was like, okay. And we went out there for 35 minutes and we worked out as a family. It was really cool. So I'm trying, but those are things like another one Wyatt will say, will you snuggle me? And I will say maybe, or I don't or no, or not tonight or tomorrow, or I'll say tomorrow and then I don't follow through. So I'm trying to follow through on my words,  

Aaron:

Which I have seen. I know you're using these as examples for this episode, but I have seen you growing in this already making strides to make sure that you're following through with your word with them and it is fruitful. And I just wanted to affirm you in that. Thank you. I'm proud of you  

Jennifer:

And you have been trying to follow through on your words and I've been seeing it. And so I want to affirm you. Thank you. Now our listen is it's your turn to turn to  

Aaron:

Your spouse, spouse, spouse,  

Jennifer:

. You should maybe okay, let me read some scripture. James five. Wait,  

Aaron:

At minimum just shoot 'em a text.  

Jennifer:

Oh, that's easy. That's good.  

Aaron:

That's right now, yeah. Go pause this Kek resume.  

Jennifer:

All right, we're back. So James five 12, but above all my brothers do not swear either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath. But let your yes, be yes and your no be no. So that you may not be found under condemnation  

Aaron:

So that you may not fall under  

Jennifer:

Oh. So that you may not fall under condemnation. Thank you. And then Jesus, I mean Jesus said this first by the way, and then James repeats it in a different way in James chapter five. But in Matthew chapter five coincidentally, which I don't think this coincidences, but Jesus says, let what you say be simply yes or no. Anything more than this comes from evil.  

Aaron:

Do explain.  

Jennifer:

Well, I think God wants us and Jesus wants us to just people of our word. So we don't need to add anything to it. We don't need to proclaim anything to give more power or weight to our words. We just should. What gives the power to our words is that we follow through with them. So if you say yes, let it be a yes. If you say no, let it be a no. Mm-hmm. So for you no to coffee, is it really a no? Well, no. It's not a no. It's a sometimes and it's a when you change and it's a, yeah. So you're no is not a no at all. It's something else. And he's in both scenarios. One has fall under condemnation. The other one says comes from evil that we're with our words. And so I want to discuss why might we give our word or make a promise or a vow and then not follow through with it? Because there are reasons. Why would we even say it in the first place? And then what would make us not want to do it in the second place?  

Jennifer:

And I just wanted to point out one thing. I think that when we proclaim something, we make a vow, we make a promise, we think that somehow that makes the words strong enough on their own that it'll all of a sudden happens, make us do the thing. Yeah, I'm going to stop, go into the fast food restaurant. We make that proclamation, I'm going to stop that. We say it out loud and we say it to people, oh yeah, I'm, I'm going to stop eating fast food. I promise when we even add stuff like that or I'm making a resolution, we think in some way that those words in their own are going to have some power to help change something inside of us because we know that it is hard for us to not go get fast food. So I think maybe also sometimes we have no intention of following through with what we say.  

Aaron:

More so we say it so that others can hear and be satisfied in some way of hearing it from us or what  

Jennifer:

You mean. Yeah, maybe in a way. So going back to that idea of I'll be home in 10 minutes, you call me, Hey, where are you at? Oh, I'm just leaving the store. Maybe I'm not just leaving the store and I'm trying to show you that I'm going to be on home quick because you want me home. And so I'm like, oh, 10 minutes. Because then in that moment I appease your urgency of where are you at? You've been gone for a while. So I can have that moment of like, okay, cool. I'm now released from that. Not realizing that there's going to be this consequence when I get home of you wondering like, Hey, you said 10 minutes, but it's been 35 minutes. What's going on? I'm like, well, and then I just figure I'll at that point give you a reason rather than saying, Hey, I'm probably going to be a little bit longer than you want. So I think we say things that we don't follow through with for that reason. Also to try and just appease someone or cover up or make ourselves look a certain way. Yeah. In front of someone.  

Aaron:

I think another reason would be that we actually do have full intentions to do what we say we're going to do, but because of our choices, our life is so out of order that you actually can't fulfill those commitments.  

Jennifer:

So a good example,  

Aaron:

It just feels like chaos.  

Jennifer:

A good example for me, I want to get up early and that actually is a desire of mine to get up early. But then I don't choose to go to bed early.  

Aaron:

You don't set yourself up to make that thing happen  

Jennifer:

To win. Yeah. I don't align the stars to make sure that I can get up in the morning,  

Aaron:

Which matters. If you are going to commit to something, it's kind of counting the cost. You're like, you're evaluating to say, okay, in order for this thing to happen, all these other things need to happen in order for it to be true,  

Jennifer:

To follow through with. So we haven't set up our life to make sure that we can follow through with certain things. I think another reason, this is a more devious one, and it comes from probably wrong hearts, not probably it is wrong hearts saying you're going to do one thing and then intentionally not following through with it, knowing that it was going to hurt the person because you're frustrated or hurt or angry and that it's a sort of vengeance. I'm not going to follow through with the thing I said because I don't think you deserve me following through with the thing I said. Mm-hmm. Or I don't feel like it now because you did this to me or said this to me,  

Aaron:

Or you don't need me to, don't require of me. I can see I'm just kind of playing into this kind of issue of what's really at the root with that way of thinking. And I was going to add another one is just forgetting that you even committed to something in the first place.  

Jennifer:

Now giving it enough importance in front of you to say, oh, I'm going to make that a thing that I think about. The challenge that we've been giving is of writing down things that we want to be committed to making it real. And on paper, this is something that's actually has been really powerful for you. When you write a list of to-dos, like, I'm going to do this today and I'm going to do this today, I'm going to do this today. I don't think I've ever seen you not complete a list.  

Aaron:

It's like a challenge or a competition  

Jennifer:

One. But it's really powerful . So you could get up and you're like, today I'd like to this and I'd like to that and and then you maybe do one or two things and then by the end of the day you're like, I didn't do anything that I wanted to do. But when you sit down, you write it down, man, you crush it. And I've encouraged you in the past to,  

Aaron:

I know. I feel like I forgot this about myself. I need to,  

Jennifer:

I think you should. And you do. When you write down a list, it gets done every single time,  

Aaron:

I think. Okay. So that was our list. Sorry, we got off tangent a little bit. That was our list of why we do these things. But I think we think it's important that we do an honest evaluation of ourselves, our lives, and to ask God to reveal to us if there's any of this that we just listed any, even just announce in our hearts,  

Jennifer:

We should always be spiritually evaluating, asking God to search us. So what are some practical, I'm not saying this, what are some practical things to practice in, practical things to practice? What are some practical things to practice instead of saying something that you will not do? So are,  

Aaron:

I'm so confused right now.  

Jennifer:

I know this is what's a practical solution to this. Hey, what  

Aaron:

Can you do instead?  

Jennifer:

How can we practice being better at not doing what we say we're going to do?  

Aaron:

So when Wyatt comes to you and he is like, dad, will you cuddle me before bed? You just say, I can't right now.  

Jennifer:

Yeah, I know. Well, that's the point is saying gi giving an answer or saying you can't give an answer. So hey, I can't give you an answer right now because I don't know what the day looks like,  

Aaron:

But I'll think about it, which is, or I need time to think about  

Jennifer:

It as long as I intend to think about it and figure it out.  

Aaron:

But don't say you're going to think about it and then don't think about it.  

Jennifer:

Exactly. And then see saying you need time to think about it. Not doing it but letting him know, Hey, I need time to think about it. So would you be patient with me? Yeah. And so what that does is lets them know that it's not a yes and it's not a no, but it's also not a maybe. It's like I don't know what to answer you right now. So I'm going to tell you I don't know what to answer you right now. Another tactic is just say no. Why'd  

Aaron:

You laugh?  

Jennifer:

Because well, it's simple. It's like, hey, let's just give an answer.  

Aaron:

Do you think that there's some people who  

Jennifer:

Just, that don't hearing? No,  

Aaron:

Not well. Okay. I can raise my hand for both here. I was going to say that they don't like being someone who says no. They don't want to make that boundary  

Jennifer:

A yes person.  

Aaron:

Maybe they don't realize they're a yes person, but they absolutely don't like the contention that comes with No.  

Jennifer:

Well, yeah, because there's going to be like that. Why don't you want to, why? Yeah.  

Aaron:

I have a hard time saying no.  

Jennifer:

Right. And we know people in our life that do this because going back to what we talked about earlier, one of the reasons someone might do them is because they want to look a certain way. So like, oh, I want this person to believe that I'm there for them.  

Aaron:

Hey, you can't call me out in front of everyone  

Jennifer:

Right now. I'm not saying that for you.  

Aaron:

No, but it's true.  

Jennifer:

You want someone to believe you there for them, but you have no, but don't, not that you don't have intention to, but you aren't really there for them. You want them to think they are that you are. So just saying yes or just saying no and then making that what you mean. Yeah. Over time, we're talking about this month about building trust and about being the kind of people that do what we say is big. So being confident. I don't like continuing to use the story about what true Wyatt wanting me to cuddle in. But with anything, if it's your boss, if it's your spouse, there's going to be times, Hey hun, can we do this thing? No. And here's why. Or yes, and let's make a plan. And just being confident in those things rather than, yeah, I'm sure that someone can figure out, but really I'm just trying to push it off. Cause I don't want to give an answer and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of that thing that you want to do. Now it'd be better to give the answer. Or again, going back to, Hey, I don't know what answer to give you now. Can we look at details on this? And actually follow through with figuring out what the answer is.  

Aaron:

A, after looking at or hearing us talk about this, I just realized that I totally don't like saying no. And I've known this about myself for a while, but because of that, I'll stress myself out week to week because I commitments  

Jennifer:

Placate and commits.  

Aaron:

So what we talked about earlier about you're not making commitments happening because of chaos in your life, or you're not committing to your word because mm-hmm. Of chaos. Chaos. That's me an order. I'm older. It's like now everything's backed up and there's this traffic jam because I've not said no to anything, but there's periods of my life where I feel like there's balance. And then other times when I'm like,  

Jennifer:

Well, and I, we meet with the guys from our church on Wednesday mornings and we're going through the book of Ecclesiastes, and the next verse I'm going to bring up in a second is from Ecclesiastes chapter five. And that whole chapter's about our words and saying what we're saying one thing and doing another and actually following through with our words. And it was so interesting. We had a big long conversation this morning about this very topic, and it was just so good hearing everyone's different opinions and perspectives on it. But one thing that I brought up, and I have it here, is don't give an answer. Maybe saying nothing is better than not keeping your word.  

Aaron:

So are you just saying stare blankly at them?  

Jennifer:

No. It goes back to that not giving an answer right away. But maybe you just, you're not going to commit to the thing like, well, I don't know. I literally don't know. I don't know if I could do that. I dunno if I could follow through with it. And I get this from Ecclesiastes five, four through five. It says, when you vow vow God, do not delay pen it where he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow that than that. You should vow and not pay. There's society. He is like, don't make the vow. Don't say you're going to do that thing. Say you can go help when you can't help. It'd be better. Just be like, I can't. And then say it and then not follow through. There's another story in the New Testament that Jesus gives about two sons. One goes, the father goes to one and says, Hey, go work. And he says, sure. And then walks away and doesn't go work. Oh yeah. And then he goes, the other son, son. He goes, no, I don't want to work. But then later on changes his mind, he goes and works.  

Aaron:

I was paraphrased a bit,  

Jennifer:

But the point is, the one son that said he doesn't want to work, you could be like, well, how mean of him? Actually, that was much more honorable, honest and honest. He was honest. He's like, I don't want to go work. And then the Lord changed his heart and he is like, actually, I can go and I'm going to go and I don't want to make my dad proud rather than saying I'm going to go do it, and then I'm not doing it out. So disrespectful. And God cares about this stuff. He cares that we mean what we say. It's a, it's as a part of his CH church being his people  

Aaron:

And reflecting him. He means what He says.  

Jennifer:

Well just look at the Bible. Do you think God loves words? Yeah. Mean the Bible literally says that the word was with God and is God,  

Aaron:

And that he created everything by his word  

Jennifer:

Words. In the beginning, God created the heavens of the earth with his words. God said, let there be light. There's light power. So he cares about words. He cares about our words. He wants us to be faithful with the things that we say. And like I said, there's another verse in Proverbs that says that a person that remains silent will be seen as wise  

Aaron:

Real quick as this idea of ref reflecting God. And in another part of the New Testament, we're called ambassadors. And just being on mission to, or knowing that we are sharing the gospel in this world, in order to share the gospel with someone and for them to believe what our words to be true, we have to be trustworthy and we have to be honest, and we have to have integrity. You think? Yeah. Well,  

Jennifer:

If you think about it, one of the biggest things that people that have walked away from God, they look at the church and say like, oh, the church is full of hypocrites. Hypocrites. What that means, what hypocrite means is say one thing, do another. Like, oh, you say you sh, you're holy, but you're not holy. Another verse in Ecclesiastes, a couple verse before it says NFI in chapter five, verse two, be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God. For God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore, let your words be few. One of the discussions we had today was in that verses four through five, it says he has no pleasure in fools. And in other translations it says the sacrifice of fools. And we were talking about the sacrifice of fools is our words when they have no meaning or power. Mm-hmm. Like we come before God and we come before our family and we come before our friends and we say something and it is nothing.  

Aaron:

When you say, I'll pray for you, and you walk away and you haven't prayed for them and you don't pray for them.  

Jennifer:

It's a sacrifice of fools is what the Bible calls it. God calls it that you're offering this sacrifice that has no value. You're offering this thing, it's just words. And he's talking about that with vows. You're making it vow God and you're not even following through that. That's a sacrifice of fools. So I think God cares quite a bit about us being people of our word, because in reality we need to be people of his word. So I want to just point out the fruit of this. When we, well practice saying things that we don't mean saying things that we don't follow through with. There's a fruit that comes from this. What it happens is we reinforce in ourselves a falsehood of ourselves. So I say with my mouth, I'm, I'm going to be this way. I'm going to read more. And then I intentionally don't read more. I go, or I'm going to like you. I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. And then you go make that coffee every time you make that coffee after you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. Cause I don't want to drink coffee anymore. Going back to that word discrepancy. Yeah. You're reaffirming and reinforcing a f a false falsehood.  

Aaron:

And explain why that is dangerous.  

Jennifer:

Well, spiritually, I think the danger could be if our words that come out of our mouths don't have any power, don't have any meaning, don't wait, they don't have any weight. We don't follow through, we don't keep it. It doesn't mean anything. I think the danger is could we end up in the same place with God's word or with his spirit? When it convicts us, do we hear it and be like, well, that's not who I am. Or I can't be that. I can't fulfill that. I can't. Or is  

Aaron:

It easier just when that conviction comes to push it away, push it off to the side, make it not important, justify it, all the reasons that we listed earlier.  

Jennifer:

I think it's something we should consider for sure.  

Aaron:

I think there's also danger in the way that we view ourselves in just once there is that discrepancy of, okay, now I said one thing and did another. And you start seeing the consequences of that, whether you affect someone else or just yourself.  

Jennifer:

What are some things that you've heard  

Aaron:

In your own? In my own self? Yeah. Yeah. Things like I'm a failure. I'm flaky. I can't follow through with anything.  

Jennifer:

Just  

Aaron:

Can't. That negative things that  

Jennifer:

I've heard is I can't change. Yeah. This is too too hard. Cause I want to be the, I can't do it. Which again, reinforces not the truth. We just read in the last episode from, I think it's second Peter, that we have everything in Christ to be what Christ desires us to be. And now that doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean it just happens overnight, but we are capable. So  

Aaron:

Real quick, because I briefly brought it up just now, but consequences when, especially because we're a marriage podcast, so we need to talk about this. When I make a commitment to you and I don't follow through with it, what does that do to our relationship? What does that do to how you view me and  

Jennifer:

Well, at the top level, some of those things that you mentioned, how you feel about yourself, I feel. Mm-hmm. Like, oh, you don't ever follow through with what you say. You always say you're going to do this and then you never do it. Those are things that I think, and you've thought the same things about me.  

Aaron:

For me, big, the red alarm, the red blaring alarm would be I can't trust you or there's no integrity. The trust is broken.  

Jennifer:

Yeah. What else are you lying about?  

Aaron:

Yeah. So yeah, those are just a couple of things that we're just pointing out because if we're doing a self-evaluation, if anything we're saying today is becoming a catalyst in your guys' lives, to at least just consider this, I think it's worth saying. Mm-hmm. Right?  

Jennifer:

I mean, perfectly asking, Lord, oh man, what's going on with my mouth? Yeah. Something I want to end with after a heavy episode of trying to evaluate all of the things we say is have grace with yourself. Ask God to teach you, pray and ask God to change our words and to give us, grow our integrity to point out to us when we are walking in those falsehoods and the things you're saying. And I just wanted to also say, we may never be able to completely control our tongue. That's a big thing. And you can read this in the book of James says, Hugh controls his tongue is perfect. And guess who the only person who had never messed up in what he said was Jesus. Jesus. He is perfect. I have a note in my Bible next to that verse about Hugh controls his tongue. Jesus only said what God told him to say. He was perfect in all his ways, not not me. Thankfully, God never goes back on his word. Christ is perfect in all his ways, and so we can trust what he said and in his promises, and that's what I wanted to encourage us with is words are always true. Ours may fail, we may be false. Your spouse's words may be false and fail, but guess whose words never do god's  

Aaron:

For years. Now, we've been reiterating with our children that our words are powerful and we say this a lot and we explain to them the impact of both our negative words and our positive words and the way that we say our words. This is something that we're growing in as a family to to believe, to walk in rightly. And I think it's so valuable as parents, and I just wanted to make that note because as adults are walking through this and letting God test us and refine us, and in all those opportunities, repent of how we are to then look at our children and say, and I'm here to help you in that humility.  

Jennifer:

Often our kids are really good about helping us. Yeah, that's true. And they catch us, mom, why are you talking that way, dad, you talking harsh. So they see and it's really good, and we stop and we look at 'em. We're like, okay, Elliott  

Aaron:

. Okay, on good at, on a really sweet note. We were down, we have this little village area with shopping, shopping and it's like got these very nature, big stones and big stone rocks. But they're like, some of 'em are flat benches. And we are walking through the village and Edie sits down on one of the rocks and she folds her arms and she goes, mom, and then she reaches out her arm in Pat's next to her. And so I go and sit down and she folds her arms across her chest. So what do you want to talk about? Two. Mind you, it's my two year old. She's so funny acting. She's some, she's grown.  

Jennifer:

She so  

Aaron:

Funny and it's really cute but it just made me laugh and think, wow, as much as we're talking in this episode about being mindful of our words and this very serious commitment way, also just remember that our words bring life and can draw one near and I can  

Jennifer:

Push away.  

Aaron:

Yeah. But I'm trying to be sweet right now. Oh, sorry. I just wanted to encourage you guys to well, I was going to encourage you as parents, but even with your spouse, get in your people's spaces, make eye contact, laugh, ask good questions that are engaging and be willing to just use your words for good.  

Jennifer:

I like that.  

Aaron:

Good. Okay. Also, I pulled out a couple of quotes by some really random people that I thought were really good for . Just this idea of, well, today we're talking about sticking to our commitments and saying what we mean, but it's also this whole theme for January. So I'm kind of just bulking these at the end here because it's just go for it. Going to carry us in. So this first one's from Rory Ro and Rory Rory Vaden. The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do.  

Jennifer:

The next one's from Dallas Willard. When the light comes into a room, we do not have to say, now what are we going to do about the darkness? It's gone. What does have to do  

Aaron:

This? I liked it. I liked it because we had a conversation, which we can talk about in another episode, but the  

Jennifer:

Truth is the light coming into the  

Aaron:

Room. What I thought about is we were having a conversation. I said, I just want, every time I leave, you want to feel like I'm glowing. Remember? Because we were talking about how we talk to each other, and then I thought about also in as being Christians being the light of Christ. So when we come into the room, there is no darkness.  

Jennifer:

That's true.  

Aaron:

Our reputation comes in first and it's like, Hey, we know Jesus. We walk like him. We talk like him.  

Jennifer:

This next one, this next one really fits what we're talking  

Aaron:

About by Larry. Did I say that  

Jennifer:

Right? Larry? Wingett. Let take a  

Aaron:

Wing it. To me, success comes from what you do, not from what you say you're going to do  

Jennifer:

. That's really good. Yeah. The last one, Steve Harvey,  

Aaron:

You know him. I know.  

Jennifer:

Do what you say you're going to do. People can do nothing but respect that. It's true. Yeah. It's a big deal. And I'm sure if someone in your life that is just really good at falling through with things they say, you probably have a deep respect for those people. But we want to have deep respect for ourselves as well, and that we know that our words matter. That's what we always tell our kids.  

Aaron:

Someone recently shared that. Some friends of ours shared that the people that they respect the most are people who've had a pattern or a way of being for so long in their life that they respect,  

Jennifer:

Remember? Yeah. They're just not wishy-washy, but that they're consistent.  

Aaron:

They stick to it. Yeah. They're consistent. That was the word that they use was consistent. And they respect that about that person, and I value that. It's a  

Jennifer:

Big deal. Yeah.  

Aaron:

That's good.  

Jennifer:

Well, why don't we get into the growth spurt?  

Aaron:

I do it every week, so yes,  

Jennifer:

Too. Okay. The growth spurt for this month is build trust, as we talked about today. Do what you say you will or don't say you will  

Aaron:

. Okay. You do. I'm not letting you do the gross spurt anymore. . Okay. Do the pray.  

Jennifer:

Yeah. Okay.  

Aaron:

We don't have to go into the gross spurt this time because the whole episode was about that.  

Jennifer:

Exactly.  

Aaron:

Exactly.  

Jennifer:

Dear Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness to do the things we say we are going to do to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask you to transform this part of us, give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies and discrepancies and failures to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we're going to do. In Jesus' name, amen.