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episode 290: How Do I Know if I'm Really Giving My Consent?
If you've felt lonely, confused, or sad after a sexual encounter with your husband, you may have vaguely wondered - was this experience actually consensual?
Jane Gilmore is back on the podcast covering grooming, manipulative tactics of abusers, and how you can know if you're really giving your full consent to a sexual experience. Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
3 Questions You Can Ask Yourself
Jane offers three questions that you can ask about the broader relationship if your trust has been violated - but these questions can also pertain to sexual encounters with your husband. Rather than asking yourself:
* What does he want?
* What does he need?
* Why is he doing this?
* How can I make him better?
You can ask yourself:
* How do I feel?
* What do I want?
* What do I need?
Tune in to Your Intuition
When your focus is on your own safety needs and emotional well being you may find it easier to identify manipulation. Grooming that feels good and that previously would have gone under the radar is easier to detect and you'll be more equipped to steer yourself away from situations that would be harmful to you.
Instead, you'll be able to set boundaries that you only engage in sexual activity that is safe, honest, mutual, and consensual:
"I'm there because I want to be, not because I have to be or cause I'm being manipulated or forced into it."
- Jane Gilmore, author and consent educator
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
At BTR.ORG we know the pain of realizing that your husband has been manipulating and coercing you into sex. It's devastating.
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are available to you as a safe space to process your trauma and begin your journey to healing. Attend a session today.
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):
Jane Gilmore is back on today's episode. I started talking with her two weeks ago, so if you haven't heard the very beginning of our conversation, go back two weeks so that you can listen to the whole thing.
(00:54):
We ended last week talking about grooming again. I want to talk about an aspect of grooming that once they're done with the grooming, once they get what they want, they sort of abandon the grooming for a minute because they're exhausted and they got what they wanted. I want to talk about one other aspect that I have noticed and it is that the grooming is so good before sex that they're very good at getting what women really genuinely feel like is "consent." They feel like they are actively wanting to share touch and then after, he is upset. So for example, a lot of women think of consent as He's kind of mad, or I'm feeling uncomfortable before and then somehow I ended up having sex and then he's sort of happy after, cause he got what he wanted. That might be a kind of a feeling. He's never gonna be that happy. He's just going to be like, Great, that's done, moving on.
Can you WANT sex if you don't know you're being abused?
(01:49):
There is another aspect of it where women genuinely feel like they actively want it, not knowing that they've been groomed, not knowing that they've been lied to. And then once he gets what he wants, then he's just like, Oh, I don't have to act like that anymore. I don't have to act nice, I don't have to act great. I can just be mean to her and put her down or whatever because now I'm not trying to get consent. They're not acting the same way. And that can feel really confusing for women because ...