Minister's Toolbox

Funerals are one of the difficult responsibilities assigned to ministers that no one truthfully wants.

Unfortunately, funerals can be made worse when a church leader uses the occasion to showcase their preaching instead of honoring the person who has passed.

Today, we share some tips on doing wakes and funerals in ways that can help lead people to Christ. Here are my tips for conducting an excellent funeral

I also mentioned getting a free book from Audible.com

If you need a basic minister's manual, here is one that has a lot of wisdom and insights.

Transcript of Today's Podcast

One thing ministers are asked to perform that no one actually wants to do is funerals. Like weddings, funerals are one of those rare times in a person’s life when they most open to contact either a church or a minister.

Nowadays some people eliminate the church and ministers completely, especially if they are totally unreligious; but for the most part, pastors are usually called in to provide some sort of service at a funeral.

I grew up in family where everyone lived long. As a result, no one close to me actually died until I was in my mid 20’s. As a result, I never attended or was asked to officiate a funeral.

Since that time, I’ve been to dozens of funerals of all shapes and sizes. They are never fun, but they can be anointed by God to advance the Kingdom of God when a minister understands his or her function in the process.

Like many of you, I’ve been to the funerals of close friends and family members so I know first-hand know how it feels to lose someone you really care about. It feels like someone punched you in the stomach and you can’t get rid of the pain.

As a matter of fact, earlier this year, a fellow minister died and I felt that way for weeks. He was brilliant, funny, and talented servants of God I’ve ever known. Bob left an enormous hole in the community where he served. Many miss his absence greatly.

It is vitally important for you as a pastor or church leader to genuinely identify with the family that is grieving, even if you don’t know them very well. You may or may not know the deceased, but in all likelihood you remember how it feels. Always keep that in the forefront of your thoughts.

At the other end of the spectrum, my wife and I recently attended a funeral that was just terrible. It was already bad because we both missed the person who died, but what made it much worse was the way that minister conducted the ceremony!

In this particular case, he was an evangelical who was keen to preach a doctrinally sound sermon. He did this for nearly an hour. If you’re thinking to yourself, what’s wrong with that? I am about to tell you.

During the sermon, the name of the deceased was mentioned twice. We never heard much about her life, her family or key memories. Instead, we were treated to a seven point sermon that might have been preached on any Sunday.

The sermon did little to connect people with God. People sat bored and twitching in their seats. No doubt this young preacher thought he was having a tremendous impact, but I think the opposite was true.

If you have not done so already, I invite you to listen to an earlier podcast about weddings because weddings and funerals share some things in common for a minister. Both occasions bring new people into your church building, many of whom are atheist or agnostic. Both occasions present pastors and church leaders with a window of opportunity to share the gospel. How we do that is the focus of this podcast today.

Another time, Patti and I attended the funeral of a dear friend whose wife had passed away. They had spent more than 50 years together, but she was barely mentioned in the sermon. Instead, the assembled audience had to endure a one-hour dissertation outlining the power of the gospel.

As I surveyed the congregation, it was apparent to me that everyone there were long-time friends of the deceased and Christ-followers, yet the sermon was given as if we were at a Billy Graham crusade.

The woman who passed, was an truly humble servant of God, but her life was virtually ignored except to say she died. I’m sorry folks, but something is out of whack when we hold a funeral yet seldom mention the deceased!

People do not come to a funeral to hear your finest sermon. They come in pain, missing the person who died. When a preacher uses the event to showcase sermon #342 and press people to accept Christ…I’m sorry, but that is just brain-dead stupid.

Now I realize that many of you attended a seminary or Bible school where the professor taught you to take advantage of every opportunity to preach Christ. In theory, that is a great idea, but what does that actually mean in practice? If you preach the best evangelistic message but fail to connect with your audience – well, it’s like the old tree failing in the forest analogy. Did anyone actually hear a word you said?

Funerals are difficult for everyone who knew the deceased. People are vulnerable and may, in fact may be more open to hearing about God than other times in life. However, ministers are not charged to be slick God salesmen. We have good news to share but there are other ways to communicate this gospel than preparing a boring sermon that has nothing to do with the deceased.

Several years back, our church used to advertise in the local newspaper. Times have certainly changed methodologically.

In any case, one of the women that worked there knew me as a pastor through our occasional conversations and gave me a call one day to inform me that her father had just passed away. Neither she or her dad attended church anywhere, so she asked if I would be willing to conduct the funeral.

I said yes immediately.

Soon afterward, I came to the funeral home where the wake was to be held. The only person in the room that I knew was the woman who asked me to perform the ceremony.

Now if you check your handy dandy thin black minister’s book, there are all kinds of suggestions for readings at wakes and funerals. Fortunately for me, I didn’t bring one of those manuals.

I also did not open in prayer, guessing correctly that the friends of the deceased were probably unreligious as well. It is easy as a member of the clergy to impose religiousness into an environment, but that wasn’t my purpose that night.

Here is what I said at the start of the service: “Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming this evening. My name is Casey Sabella, pastor of a church in town and I’ve been asked to lead the service tonight.

Now I could share a lot of religious things about the deceased, but truthfully, I never met him one. Instead, I’d like to ask you, who did know him to share tonight. I am going to turn this service over to you. Would you come to the front and share a memory, a funny story or a way that this man touched your life?”

Initially, 3 minutes of awkward silence followed. People had been used to listening dutifully to a minister talk at these events. Gradually, over the next 90 minutes, nearly everyone in the room took turns sharing stories. Some of the stories were incredibly funny; others extremely touching and others just allowed people to express their grief.

Something else also happened. Through their stories, I learned that the man in the coffin was in fact one of the foremost cartoonists of his generation who rubbed elbows with people like Walt Disney and Stan Lee.

When everyone was done, I thanked them for coming. I did not share a gospel message, but did close the evening in a short prayer.

A lot of people were happy not to have to endure to a lot of religious talk. If you think about, the service was much easier for me too. The more they shared their stories, the more I learned about the deceased.

At the gravesite the next day, I had a completely captive audience. You see, by enabling them to share the night before, I earned the credibility to speak at the gravesite the next day. I listened to them, so now they were open to listening to me. At this second encounter, I referenced some of the memories shared at the wake and then did my best to honor the man in the casket.

I then shared a five-minute message on how much God wanted to have a relationship with each and every one present. Then I invited folks to bow in prayer and invited them to talk to God.

Many tears flowed that day, not simply for the deceased, but because people felt God’s Presence for the first time. At the conclusion, lots of folks lingered asking me questions and appreciating the message.

We do not have the power to bring people to Christ. Only the Holy Spirit through lifting up Christ can do that work. We can be seed planters or waterers, but need to position ourselves to connect rather than dump a large sermon on our audience.

At the end of the day, we’re not called to make converts. Jesus charged us in the Great Commission to make disciples and that is a longer process. Funerals are rarely altar call moments.

By contrast, I was asked by a close friend to conduct the memorial service of a woman who served God throughout her life. The service was designed to celebrate who she was. Once again, and especially since it was a memorial, we opened the service for sharing poignant memories. In keeping with her husband’s wishes, I also shared a brief gospel-centered message. By brief, I mean 15 minutes.

Honestly, sermons that go on longer than 20 minutes at a funeral begin to lose their impact. Remember, people do not come to hear you preach, but to honor the deceased. The longer you preach, the more you are likely to impose.

At the conclusion of the service, several non-religious people wanted to share their memories with me and were thankful that the service honored the woman who died. They remarked how the message really hit home. That did not happen because I am a skilled preacher.

Paul tells us in Romans that the gospel is the power of God. As ministers, our job is remove the barriers and get out of the way so that God can move. Unfortunately, preachers unknowingly make it more difficult by failing to understand or appreciate who they are talking to.

As a minister, our aim is leave the fragrance of Christ according to I Corinthians 2:16. The vast majority of unreligious people have little or no idea about who you are or what you actually do as a minister. You are a mystery.

The more you share your humanity combined with your care and love for people, the more people will connect the gospel you share with the challenges they face.

You know, it might seem odd, but there are several similarities between wedding ceremonies and funeral ceremonies, ministerially speaking. Obviously, all of us would much rather conduct a wedding, but many of the same principles apply to both ceremonies. If you have not already, I recommend that you listen to podcast #1 on weddings.

You know, seeing that talking about funerals is sort of a down topic, you might enjoy this story:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a woman walking a pit bull on a leash. And behind her, were about 200 women walking single file. Very strange.

The woman became so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's," she replied.

"Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

The woman was horrified and replied, “Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "That’s my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her as well."

An moment of silence passed between the two women as they walked.

Then the woman with the coffee asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman with the dog pointed behind her and said, "Get in line."

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Funerals affect people in eternal ways. They stop us from thinking that life on earth is endless. Funeral  often cause people to reflect on what they are doing with their lives and where they are headed.

Can you think of a better opportunity to share this wonderful gospel? I can’t, but it isn’t shared through a clever sermon. It is shared through compassion, patience, comfort, sensitivity and honestly serving people in their hour of need.

Zig Ziglar is famous for saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” That is a truism which always applies for those of us entrusted with leading God’s people.

When appropriate, invite the family to your church if they are not already members. Send them a card or some basic information directing them to your website. Don’t be pushy. Just let them know that your welcome door is open.

Grieving is a real process and hits everyone in different ways. Sometimes it is quick, but more often people are affected for months and even years depending on the circumstances. Be sympathetic to that. Genuine ministry is for the long haul. We need to let people know that we are always ready to help.

If you are a young minister or could use some Tips on how to conduct a funeral, I have a free download for you here.