Minister's Toolbox

 Weddings are always a time of great joy and anticipation.

They can also provide an excellent opportunity for ministers to grow their churches.

Today, I share about a really bad wedding. We also share some tips for making any wedding memorable for the bride and groom.

Here is the free download, Wedding Resources For Ministers.

Transcript of Today's Show:

The two events most closely associated with ministers in our culture are weddings and funerals. These are two occasions when the need for a minister is universally accepted by nearly everyone regardless of their beliefs.

Weddings can be one of the most effective ways to grow your church as well. Does that sound odd? Well, before we talk about that, can I ask you a question?

Have you ever been to a bad wedding? What do I mean by a bad wedding? I’m talking about a wedding where the minister or clergy person was not a positive addition to the ceremony?

Let me unpack what I mean with a true story.

Several years back, one of my relatives decided to marry. The church building was rented and all the arrangements made. The facility was quite beautiful, out in the country and a reception was scheduled to follow on the enormous church grounds.

On the night before the wedding at the end of the rehearsal, the minister announced that there was to be no flash photography during the service. His conviction was that such flashes of light would distract from the sacredness of the ceremony.

Hearing this news for the first time, the photographer was mortified. He had not prepared for this possibility. To make matters more challenging, the front of the church where the ceremony would take place was poorly lit so using natural light would likely create dark, grainy pictures. Keep in mind that this was in the day before digital photography, so new specialized film needed to be purchased immediately.

Needless to say, this announcement created a high amount of tension for both the photographer and the bride, but the minister remained unaffected by their concerns.

With the rehearsal concluded, the minister said goodbye until the next day. Though invited, he did not attend the rehearsal dinner.

On the day of the wedding, guests arrived, some from several hundred miles away. Since many of my distant relatives hadn’t seen each other in a long time, there were many hugs and greetings followed by conversation in the sanctuary prior to the start of the ceremony. People were excited. The noise level was what you might expect during the few moments before any festive event.

Approximately ten minutes before the service, the minister appeared at the front of the church to remind the congregation that they were in the house of God and that it was improper for people to be talking to each other. Instead, he insisted they engage in quiet reflection more befitting a church. He then informed the congregation that no flash photography would be permitted.

All conversation abruptly ceased. Except for an occasional cough, the church was awkwardly silent.

After the ceremony got underway, the minister delivered a gospel message as part of the wedding ceremony, urging the congregation to give their lives to Christ. How many do you think were even the slightest bit interested? I’m guessing; none.

Finally the moment arrived for the groom to kiss the bride. The moment their lips touched, many in the congregation (including the photographer) took flash pictures totally ignoring the pastor’s wishes. Now it was his turn to be embarrassed.

After the ceremony ended, the happy couple went on to enjoy their reception and I am glad to report they remain happily married to this day. The pastor on the other hand spoke with very few people perhaps because no one really wanted to speak with him! He left the reception early, losing an incredible opportunity to impact people and even grow his ministry. Because he was so legalistically focused on doing things right according to his own beliefs, he forfeited the chance to positively influence many lives.

Wedding ceremonies can be a wonderful gift if church leaders recognize the opportunity presented to them.

Consider this question:

When was the last time your church was filled with visitors?

Weddings fill church buildings with people from every conceivable background: agnostics, atheists, people who’ve heard the good news preached and people who disconnected due to hurts or conflicts. If church were the sales business, we would call these people hot prospects.

So let’s think about this for a moment. You spend the majority of your time crafting sermons, counseling, developing strategy and spending church funds to reach people, right?

Weddings bring a crowd of unchurched, agnostic or atheistic people into church and they are glad to be there. No special funding; no months of planning. Just open the door and turn on the lights. Can you think of a more significant opportunity to impact lives and show them what Christ is really all about? I can’t.

Weddings are also the one time that pastors are expected to shine. Since weddings are such a brief moment in time, maximize the opportunity God is giving you.

In the story I just shared with you, the minister lost his way trying to be religious. Let’s get real. Religion is boring. For most people, it’s like being fitted for a strait jacket. You’ve got to act a certain way, dress a certain way and often sit still way too long.

Jesus was not religious, which is one reason the Pharisees and scribes hated him so much.  He wouldn’t do their traditions and ceremonies in a lifeless manner. People were his primary mission and he often broke tradition to touch their lives.

The most widely used text ministers use in wedding ceremonies comes from John’s gospel. Many ceremonies highlight the fact that Jesus performed his first miracle at the wedding in Cana of Galilee.

As leaders, I wonder if sometimes we miss our own point. Jesus Christ loves weddings and social gatherings. He hung out with unchurched people so much that his critics starting gossiping behind his back that he was a glutton and a drunkard! Imagine that! It would be pretty hard to get that kind of reputation hanging out in a library all day, wouldn’t it?

Jesus saw weddings, parties and any social gathering as an opportunity to engage people. John 3:16 declares that people were why he came.

As a pastor, you are given a tremendous honor to officiate a wedding ceremony. Actually the whole concept of church weddings is relatively new in church history. When the Puritans arrived in this country for example, ministers never did weddings. That was strictly the function of local government authorities. A civil ceremony was the norm.

Today, weddings are one of the few times that people who don’t go to church are comfortable walking into a church building. This reality should not be lost on a minister.

So what are some ways for ministry leaders to engage the culture through something as simple as a wedding? Let’s look at some key areas.

First, the Pre-Wedding

Depending on your circumstances, weddings oftentimes give ministers the opportunity to help shape the spiritual life of an engaged couple. People come to us from a variety of different backgrounds. Some have been raised in church, but increasingly, most have not. The vast majority of couples come to us without a moral compass, or from broken or dysfunctional families.

Pastors are offered a unique opportunity to speak into the foundation upon which a marriage will be built. At the very least, a pastor can get to know a couple who may wind up becoming future members in their congregation. That’s pretty cool.

Pastors can recommend books to read or lead the prospective couple through a well thought out process lasting several weeks. Things to discuss include how to handle budgets, raising kids, overcoming conflict, sex, communication, priorities, employment issues or whatever, so that couples get a true picture of married life. You and perhaps your spouse can really play an influential role in the future of another couple. That is pastoring at its best

Let’s talk about the ceremony.

The vast majority of people know very little about how a ceremony is designed or even flows. You are the expert in their eyes, so become the expert.

Every wedding needs a rehearsal. Rehearsals are the perfect time to demonstrate who you are and what you do.

I gave you an example earlier of a minister who used his authority to nearly ruin a wedding. In contrast, use your authority to make sure everyone leaves the wedding experience with the Presence of Christ on everything that is done.

There should be order, beauty, celebration and joy at a wedding. You set the pace by what you establish at the rehearsal.

Before you arrive, be clear about who goes where, why and when. I can tell you from experience, if you are confused in your instructions to the groomsmen and bridal party, chaos will rule the rehearsal. I will include some links to help you with this in the show notes. I will tell you about that in a moment.

The last thing you need as the minister is relatives or friends making lots of suggestions of what they think is appropriate. Know beforehand how the ceremony will proceed by meeting with the bride and groom  and ascertaining their wishes. In most cases, they will lean on you for your knowledge and expertise since they probably have never done this before. Discover precisely what their wishes are in terms of vows or key people they want to honor. Find out if they would like special music or readings and then set a plan in place.

The couple will need to give you the marriage license to sign either at the rehearsal or just before the wedding. It is your responsibility to mail it to the appropriate civil authorities after the ceremony is over.

In most cases, you will be asked about your fee in these planning stages. Depending on the duties you will perform, the typical remuneration is $100 on the low end to $250 depending on the circumstances. I normally leave it up to their discretion, but that is entirely up to you.

At the rehearsal, once everyone arrives, you establish order by informing the wedding party as a group what their individual responsibilities will be. I like to line up the best man and groomsmen first at the altar and speak with the ushers about their duties - when they will come in, where they will stand and how to properly seat people.

Next, I give the bridal party brief instructions about when and where they enter, how to walk down the aisle and key details. Sometimes I will show them how to walk down the aisle if needed. If you don’t know these details, check out my show notes for links at ministerstoolbox.com where I would be glad to help you out.

The procession really sets the tone for the ceremony which is why I personally make the effort to slow everything down. Many people are nervous and want to get down the aisle and out of public view quickly. Call me old fashioned, but I like a two-step where the participants take one step and stop. Another step and stop…etc. I give the next person or couple coming down the aisle to wait until they see the ones before them reach the third or fifth row before they come down. This creates a really pretty ceremony and also gives the photographer or videographer time to take great shots.

Once the wedding party is situated up front, the entrance of the bride is the main event. Since all eyes will be on her, I try to make certain she doesn’t rush down the aisle but take her time.

I always lead the wedding party through at least one dry run, so that we get everyone understanding where they will be and what they will do. Don’t be somber during the rehearsal, but don’t let everyone’s excitement dictate chaos either. Direct people to stand in specific places. See the ceremony unfold in your mind’s eye from start to finish.

I like a second dry run so that no details are missed. I never read through the ceremony word for word; Just the key points where things change such as the giving of rings, when to turn towards each other, that kind of thing.

The rehearsal typically takes about an hour. Make sure that everyone knows their places and responsibilities to eliminate surprises. By the way, no matter how much you prepare, there is always at least one surprise, but don’t worry about that.

Before we leave rehearsals, one key thing: Do not allow people to bail on the rehearsal. Let the Bride and Groom know that everyone is expected to come. So many weddings are ruined by ushers or bridesmaids who were sure they didn’t need to come and then stick out like a sore thumb on the day of the wedding.

This is a momentous day that hopefully only comes around once in life. Set the bar high for participation. Now I understand that sometimes unforeseen things can prevent someone from coming. A plane is late or some weather mishap occurs. I get that. Don’t get OCD about it, but also don’t allow people to disrespect what you’re doing. Your calling is to lead here, so don’t be afraid to set the standards by which the ceremony will take place.

The rehearsal dinner is traditionally given by the groom’s family at a restaurant or home depending on the circumstances. It is appropriate for a minister and spouse to be invited. If you are not invited, don’t worry about it or feel slighted. Most people in our day and age don’t understand the protocol.

If you are invited however, I want to emphasize again the great opportunity you have been given to do what you do best.

85-90% of pastors and ministry leaders are introverts. We are hidden introverts, because public speaking gives everyone the idea that ministers are really comfortable in social situations. The truth of the matter is that most ministers are private people who don’t prefer the limelight. They are not energized by lots of people, but are energized by study, reflection and planning. Btw, that is OK if God wired you that way.

So, at a dinner, try to be the sort of leader who asks good questions and listens a lot. Everyone knows you’re the minister. Don’t preach at rehearsal dinners unless specific people are asking questions about following Christ.

Most times, people just want to hang out and enjoy each other. Try to get to know names; who is connected to who? How and when did certain friendships start? and so forth. Be a good conversationalist. Good conversationalists ask key questions; then they listen and follow up with a few more questions to truly understand what a person is saying.

On The day of the wedding…

You are critical to everything that will take place. I encourage you to arrive at least 30 minutes early. Make sure key details like the microphones are working and everything is in its place. The ceremony itself depends on lots of synergy, and you are the conductor. Coming early enables you to fix minor problems and get yourself mentally ready.

Even though this is a serious moment in the lives of two people, it is also a celebration. Smile. It may sound trite, but smiling sets everyone at ease. Look for opportunities to assure members of the wedding party. Oftentimes there is a lot of tension and nervousness in the air. You become the relief valve.

Invariably, something either goes wrong by accident or something unexpected comes our way. On more than one occasion, mischievous friends or family members have planned an unexpected surprise.  As a minister, you might ask the bride and groom to kneel in prayer and find the congregation doubling over with laughter as they see the words, Help Me appear on the grooms shoe leather…and yes, that has happened to me.

I am bringing this up, because how you handle these challenges is extremely important. If you get embarrassed or annoyed, it sets a damper on the whole ceremony. If you roll with it and get in on the joke or mishap, it relieves the tension. Find a way to reestablish the ceremony a few moments later, and it will make for a memorable outcomes.

I attended one outdoor wedding once and during here comes the bride, a dog sat upon the long bridal train. Everyone thought it was hilarious. I’m sure the bride was embarrassed, but the minister smiled and remarked how everyone wanted to come to the wedding, even the animals. People laughed, and quickly reset their attention to the ceremony without incident.

One final thing. Be yourself. What is the one complaint our society pins on the church again and again? That we are hypocrites. What is a hyprocrite? The word comes from actors on stage playing a part. As a minister of God, be authentic. Don’t talk in religious tones with old English words. Be real.

The ceremony is really all about shining attention on the couple and Christ. Use the occasion of the wedding to talk about Christ and his love for people. Forget a 40 minute sermon. People did not come to hear you preach, but see a wedding. Be mindful of that. Instead, share something that connects God, the congregation and the couple in a unique way.

I like to illuminate for people precisely what God is doing in front of their eyes: the creation of a new family. Use your imagination, but make your remarks relevant and brief.

Once the ceremony is concluded, your main task is completed for the most part. Sometimes ministers are invited to the reception. It is up to you depending on the circumstance whether you attend.

Depending on the situation, be sure to send the couple a follow up card or invitation to church after their honeymoon. One thing I wished I had done was to record each wedding date in my planner so I could remember to send them an anniversary card each year. These kinds of touches can really make the difference.

I hope that some of this information has been helpful to you. I have included a free cheat-sheet for you with plenty of tips and links to help you be successful officiating a wedding. I would be grateful if you can leave a review on ITunes. That is the very best way we can get the word out about this podcast.

Today’s quote is from Judith Viorst:

“One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.”

Well said. 

Important Links:

Guides for Pastors

Planning

Processional

Content

Download our free tips here.

There are several books out there for couples if you are doing marriage preparation. I recommend, Things I wish I’d Known Before I Got Married by Gary Chapman.