Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

The good news is that there is hope for recovery and healing from any kind of trauma including Betrayal Trauma. The approach to your healing follows a path well worn by trauma survivors and is adapted for use with this particular demographic. It approached trauma recovery from a three stage approach. What follows is an overview of what you might expect to be covered in each stage:

In this stage we will be most concerned with finding some safety and stability amongst the post discovery mess! In the first stage of trauma healing you can expect to feel supported and validated throughout. You should expect to find space to express yourself in response to the turmoil that your life has just been thrown into and be helped to identify your immediate needs in this situation.

You will be supported to manage any crisis that has developed with the discovery. Here we will address issues relating to all aspects of safety; emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual and financial. You will likely be encouraged to undertake a health screen to rule out the possibility of Sexually Transmitted Infections and, where your physical health is impacted, for example by lack of sleep, weight loss or significant distress that becomes unmanageable on a day to day basis, assessment by a medical doctor may be encouraged.

There will be conversation about the reactions of the addict to discovery and whether there are any threats to your safety or the safety of others, most notably any children, in the home. If such a threat is discerned you will be supported to make a plan to address that. Your emotional safety will also be addressed, with an emphasis on avoiding further trauma by seeking details that you may find traumatic in the longer term and assessing your vulnerability to emotional abuse through gaslighting and verbal abuse.

There will likely be some conversation about immediate boundary needs whilst you stabilize yourself as well as longer term boundaries beyond the crisis stage. Your financial stability may be discussed as it relates to your ability to care for yourself. You will be supported in implementing coping skills for emotional regulation and identifying safe people to lean on. 

You will be provided with resources and education on both trauma and sex addiction and may use this information to plan for all eventualities moving forward with a focus on creating safety, no matter what happens.

This stage will also cover the possibility of a therapeutic disclosure and polygraph as a means of avoiding the traumatic experience of staggered disclosure, where information is drip fed over a period of time, after many assertions of the fact that the full truth is now known.

Whilst there is no specific timeline for each phase of healing, it is important to recognize that this is a long term healing process. It is also not a linear or ‘end to end’ process and  there are likely to be a number of bumps in the road, setbacks and occasions where you find yourself circling back on some items.

Of course, the behavior of the addict has much to do with the ease with which you pass through each stage. The aim, at every stage, will be for you to feel empowered to heal, with or without the support and assistance of your addicted partner.

During this stage, we recommend the following support groups:

• Betrayal Trauma Recovery Club
• So I Have Betrayal Trauma - Now What?!
• Workbook Study: Facing Heartbreak
• Detecting & Confronting Gaslighting
• Am I Being Emotionally Abused?
• Setting & Holding Healthy Boundaries
• Understanding & Managing Triggers
• Therapeutic Disclosures & Therapeutic Polygraphs
• Separation & Reconciliation: Assess Safety & Reconnect

In Stage 2 you will be digging deeper into the traumatic after effects and learning to process the trauma, loss and grief experienced as a result of the betrayal. This season is about facing the reality in which you now reside.

I sometimes think of this as the FEELING stage, where, in the midst of the new safety you have created (and continue to create and uphold) in stage 1, you are able to create time and space to feel the emotion produced by the trauma. This is a delicate balance of courage and pacing. To heal from the trauma and grief we must be prepared to feel it and allow the pain to ‘pass through’ but we must do so carefully and sensitively so as not to become overwhelmed.

This stage of healing is best conducted under the care of a well trained professional for those reasons.

This phase includes telling your story, often repeatedly, which can help you to come to terms with the traumatic memories by ‘making sense’ of what has happened. Telling your story also helps to name, explore and mourn the losses you have experienced and break down some of the dissociative effects of the trauma.

You  may also be encouraged to explore other therapeutic options, including some of the emerging treatments that are proving effective in trauma recovery such as EMDR and Somatic treatments. These modalities aim to approach trauma healing from the holistic ‘body, mind and soul’ perspective as understanding of the impact of trauma on the body, and its ability to be held and stored at a cellular level is increasingly understood and accepted.

This stage is likely to build on the trigger response and emotional regulation work begun in phase 1 as you gain a deeper understanding of how your trauma triggers impact you and begin to reclaim and reframe some of your experiences. Here you will be encouraged to see the progress you are making in dealing with triggers and unwanted emotion as ‘fuel for the fight’, proving that you have the tools, resources and resilience needed to remain on the road to healing and thrive.

Stage 2 may include additional work for those whose relationships end in long term separation or divorce. This is a traumatic event, in and of itself and will require some deeper processing during this period.

In this stage, we recommend the following groups:

• Relapse Preparedness: Just In Case
• Healing My Self-Worth & Self-Image
• How Do I Protect & Heal My Children?
• Workbook Study: Rescued
• Workbook Study: Journey To Healing & Joy
• Workbook Study: Intimate Treason
• Workbook Study: Healing From Emotional Abuse
• Workbook Study: Who Am I Beyond Betrayal Trauma?
• Surviving & Thriving Through Divorce
• Healing & Growing Through Grief