Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

To begin to explore the idea of betrayal trauma, it is helpful to understand trauma from a holistic standpoint. The word ‘trauma’ has its roots in the Greek word for ‘wound’ which is a pretty good description of any kind of trauma. It is the wounding effect of an event, situation or instance upon us. Various dictionary definitions of the word converge on terms describing the ‘distressing’ or ‘disturbing’ nature of the events that produce trauma, which could be defined as the lasting psychological state produced by such events. Some trauma events are accompanied by physical trauma (ie wounds to the body), while others are limited to the psychological impact, that on the mind and spirit. Interestingly, whilst they are, arguably, more common, psychological traumas are often misunderstood, misdiagnosed or entirely unnoticed, due to their lack of visibility to the outside world. A physical trauma, like a gunshot wound or a broken leg, is harder to ignore after all.

Whilst all traumatic events are different and all people exposed to trauma have a unique interaction with it and bring different tolerances to emotional stress and different levels of resilience, trauma produces a number of typical symptoms in those who experience it. These symptoms are likely to consist of some of the following (From Your Sexually Addicted Spouse):

• Helplessness
• Sleeplessness
• Immobility
• Reliving the event
• Hypervigilance
• Anxiety
• Nightmares
• Intrusive images
• Withdrawing
• Avoidance
• Mood swings
• Panic attacks
• Phobias
• Flashbacks
• Denial
• Oversensitivity
• Depression
• Restlessness
• Confusion
• Dissociation
• Inability to eat
• Overeating
• Rage
• Health problems
• Chronic fatigue
• Immune/endocrine system problems

A good friend of mine, and a respected colleague and mentor has often reminded me that “trauma does not tell time” and left untreated, exposure to trauma and post-traumatic stress (the after effects of a traumatic experience) can develop into a more chronic condition, that of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. PTSD is a chronic and life altering condition that affects both the mental and physical body significantly and can, in some cases, be a lifelong condition.

Betrayal Trauma is a collective term for the relational trauma suffered when a person on whom you though you could rely, a person you trust, violates that trust significantly. Jennifer Freyd, of the University of Oregon, describes the generic application of the term ‘Betrayal Trauma’ in the following way: Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that persons trust or well-being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma.

For our purposes, we are addressing Betrayal Trauma in the context of the relational Trauma suffered by the spouse or partner of a person exhibiting secretive and problematic sexual behaviours and the associated abusive behavioural issues.

Betrayal Trauma, sometimes referred to as Sex Addiction Induced Trauma or Partner Trauma, is becoming more widely recognized worldwide, however more education and awareness are needed in the field before the previous treatment modalities can be laid to rest entirely. In particular, it is helpful to mention the overriding model in the treatment of these ‘partners’ thus far – the ‘co-addict’ model. Whilst I have been unable to find one single definition of co-addiction, I was able to find a paragraph that I felt summed up collective thoughts on the experience: A co-sex addict is someone who is married to, or in a significant relationship with a sex addict and demonstrates a common set of behavioral characteristics.  These characteristics include:

• Denial
• Preoccupation
• Enabling
• Rescuing
• Taking Excessive Responsibility
• Emotional turmoil
• Efforts to control
• Compromise of Self
• Anger
• Sexual Issues

Like sex addiction, co-sex addiction can range in severity, and some individuals will find they experience a few of these characteristics.  

In short, the co-addict model, describes women in relationships with sex addict as ‘sick’ and in need of treatment for their co-dependent behavioral patterns that enable their partners addiction to continue. It emphasizes the need to ‘let go’ of the addict’s behavior, stay on your own side of the street and labels behaviors that are better explained as reality testing, safety seeking behavior, as controlling and exerts the theory that co-addicts are addicted to the addict in their relationship.