Worst Millennials

The Halloween franchise gets yet another lease on life in 2018.  The upcoming film is written by David Gordon Green and Danny McBride.  That’s not a typo or a joke.  Stevie and Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down wrote a Halloween movie.  Want to know what’s even better?  Stevie’s directing it!  What a time to be alive.

Judy Green (Arrested Development, Archer) may or may not be playing Karen Strode, the daughter of Laurie Strode.  Jamie Lee Curtis will return to the franchise and reprise her iconic role.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “What a tick, Damon, didn’t Laurie get stabbed in the heart and thrown off of a building in Halloween: Ressurection?”  Yes, you’re absolutely right.

Yep, she’s definitely dead.

So, how could this be?  How could Laurie Strode come back from the dead?  Through the magic of Hollywood resetting storylines and timelines through confusing time travel!  And by time travel, I mean, pretending the last 30 years of movies didn’t happen!  After painstaking research, I was able to composite several timelines, or “-verses,” of the franchise.

• Halloween 
•  II

• Halloween 
• II (Sort of.  The only acknowledgment of the second film is Michael’s gauze and Loomis’ burn scar)
• The Return of Michael Myers (Laurie died in a car accident, causing her daughter Jamie to become an orphan)
• The Revenge of Michael Myers
• The Curse of Michael Myers (I can neither confirm nor deny reading something about the Cult of Throne being responsible for the masks in Season of the Witch, thus tying the entire franchise together.  I also highly recommend Season of the Witch.)

I also recommend this documentary.

• Halloween 
• II
• H20 (There was supposed to be a scene that connected parts 4-6 through a student’s presentation.  Essentially, Laurie’s a shitty mom for abandoning Jamie because she got raped and murdered by Michael, her own uncle.)
• Ressurection

• I’m not going to bother.