Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Last night I was talking to a friend and she said, "You know, this is very common with all children. He's not acting like an addict." I told her that wasn't actually true because addicts act like five year olds! They are immature. So basically I am face-to-face with the same types of behavior of my addict spouse…except that for 3, 5, and 8-year old children, this is appropriate behavior. They are learning how to tell the truth. They are learning how to listen and interact with people. This is appropriate for an 8-year-old but NOT for a 40-year-old man! Not at all!

So I'm seeing that these immature, age appropriate behaviors from my very young children are triggering the trauma of the same exact behaviors from my immature addict lying ex-husband who is almost 40 years old. This continues to come up for me. Previously in my parenting, I have been relatively patient and kind and understanding, so this is an entirely new place for me. I am working weekly with a coach right now, taking a 6-week break while I do so, and then I will check in with my therapist. I'm working the 12 steps to really focus in on these behaviors and help me with them.

I want to do an update about the 12 Step Program and how we view it at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. When I first began podcasting, I was attending (and continue to attend) a 12 Step Betrayal Trauma meeting with SA Lifeline, which I love. I now attend monthly. For 18 months or so I, attended weekly. We do not talk a lot about 12 Step on Betrayal Trauma Recovery because the 12 steps don't fit in with the trauma model. This does not mean they aren't both very beneficial, nor does it mean I would discourage someone from attending a meeting. It has helped me immensely to draw closer to God and improve my life and to change. I'm so grateful for this.

When a woman first discovers she has been lied to, that she is being abused, manipulated, and so forth, we at Betrayal Trauma Recovery don't feel like it's the exact right time to say things we often hear at a 12 Step meeting such as, "You need to clean up your side of the street, " or "You need to learn to accept the things you cannot change." I say this because when taken out of context or when these values or principles are applied incorrectly, they lead women to become stuck in the abuse cycle.

Once they know how to set boundaries, once they realize they are victims, and once they realize these things are happening, the woman may recognize there are things she has to work on that has nothing to do with her spouse (either current or ex). She may find that in relation to the unhealthy abuse she has been experiencing, she herself has chosen unhealthy behaviors, and this may also be something she wants to look at. At BTR our first goal is safety. Boundaries are the only way to create that safety. So we aren't going to tell a woman at this point to take a deep breath and "accept the things she cannot change" because we do not think that women should be okay with abuse while they "clean up their side of the street."

In defense of 12 Step, I think they believe this as well. When a person is new to recovery and 12 Step, it can be common to believe that if they focus on themselves they can make things better....when in reality they are still being abused. This is one point I wanted to discuss today...why we don't completely promote 12 Step. It's not because I don't personally work the steps, because I do. We believe that it is unethical for professionals to tell a woman to work on herself in the face of abuse.

When looking for a professional, if they suggest there is anything that you can do to stop the abuse besides boundaries--such as being kinder or communicating better or explaining your feelings--we would not recommend that type of therapist. This will just keep a woman in the abuse cycle over and over again. We believe this is unethical; it's why APSATS was started--so that the professional teaches there is nothing the woman did to cause it, there is nothing she can do to change it, and she needs to establish safety for herself. This is the first line of defense when going to a coach who is APSATS certified. This is our philosophy at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. All of our coaches have this philosophy.

In Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, he asks: "How can I support a woman who has been abused?" The author’s advice is what we use and recommend everyone use. That is to tell the woman she is amazing, she is strong, she has not done anything wrong or anything to deserve it, and she deserves to be treated with respect. We truly believe this about you.

At BTR we believe there is nothing pathologically wrong with you. You are a healthy person who is sometimes reacting in unhealthy ways to abuse, which is completely normal! All of us go through a phase of this--a phase of denial, of not understanding what is happening, of anger, of sadness, of depression...these are the normal, healthy reactions to abuse. It's all part of the phases of healing.

From my personal experience, if you are wondering if you should get a betrayal trauma recovery coach, or join a support group with an APSATS coach, or if you should join a SA Lifeline group or a S-Anon meeting, you will find your way. Personally for me, my healing includes both - a SA Lifeline betrayal trauma meeting and working with a coach and therapist who understand betrayal trauma and abandonment grief. They understand abuse recovery. With my therapist and with my coach there has never been a time when they have suggested that improved communication skills or more love or forgiveness could have stopped the abuse from occurring. This has been so validating.

My goal in working with my coach and therapist and by continuing to work the 12 Steps is that eventually God will heal me and I will be better. In the meantime, I have to learn new tools so that when I am triggered I can keep my children emotionally safe so they know they are loved and cared for. I really appreciate your support. My betrayal trauma recovery journey is still in process. There are days that are really hard. The other night I ate potato chips for dinner...I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. It's not easy and I've been doing this for two years now.

I still feel in progress. I definitely feel more happy and peaceful than when I started. I definitely feel safer. My safety level has gone from 0 to 10. I feel supported and loved. The things I struggle with now are financial issues, parenting issues...things that will be difficult for a really long time. There is no quick fix with betrayal trauma. I think this is part of where the anger comes from. I feel like I'm left dealing with the consequences of my ex-husband's terrible choices--not just for the night he sprained my fingers and was arrested--but from before we were married and he lied, from when he chose to watch porn and continued to decide to lie to me and abuse me and to manipulate rather than live in the truth.

There is something interesting that happened this week that shows how much I have changed in the past two years. My ex showed up for our kids' parent teacher conference. It was my appointment that I scheduled. (He looked on line at their account and found out when it was.) When I took my 8-year-old into his classroom for the meeting with his teacher, my ex was sitting right there! I did not want to sit in a meeting with him unless the first thing out of his mouth would have been, "I have made 9 years of terrible mistakes, one right after another, and I now understand how my actions have harmed you, and this is what I am going to do to make restitution, and this is how I am going to continue to make living amends to you until you feel safe." Unless this was the first thing out of his mouth, I could not bear to be in his presence. I could not abide any small talk.

So I told my son that I wasn't expecting his dad to be there but he should go ahead and talk to his teacher with his dad. 

I would take his 5-year-old brother to another meeting and then we would switch. So I took my 5-year-old to his kindergarten meeting and as I was walking out, my ex came in. I walked straight up to him and said, "You need to make your own appointments." He looked at my face and, either he isn't very smart or he was lying, he said, "Oh, I thought the school sent this for me and I didn't realize it was your appointment."

My gut told me this wasn't true so I told him this was my appointment and he needed to make his own from now on. I left and we switched kids. He brought our son back to the other room and as we were leaving, I didn't acknowledge him but told my sons they could get their books from the book fair and then we would head home...I was just going to leave. My ex said, "Wait, wait. You've been coming to my appointments." I told him this wasn't true. He then brought up an appointment from last year with our son's preschool...which was false...I did not show up for my ex's appointment. I told him that if he wanted to argue about it, he could email my dad who we have third party contact through so that I can be safe...and I walked off.

My ex then put his hand on my shoulder and said something like he hopes that someday we can get along. I told him something like, "You have hurt me so much. You filed for divorce. You abandoned your family. Unless you admit your abuse and admit the things you have done and clean up your mess, we will never get along. You need to leave."

It was amazing because I said my peace. I asked him to leave and he left, which was a miracle. I didn't want a fight in front of the kids. This is what I need in order to get along with him. Anything less than this I will not tolerate, because I do not "get along" with psychopaths or "get along" with people who lie continually to my face or to other people about what I have done. I don't "get along" with people like that and I'm never going to. I don't choose friends like that; I avoid them at all cost which is what I am doing with him. That I was able to speak and not break down, and not start screaming and yelling, and really going into it, and really giving him the "what for," the fact that I could say a short statement and ask him to leave, is a sign to me that my recovery is working.

Now what I need to work on is the ruminating that happened over and over again afterwards! I wondered about using different words, etc, but really what I did was perfect for the time and in line with God's will, even though I am second-guessing myself. I still have work to do but I love that I saw progress.

I'm so grateful for the changes that have taken place in my life and for the friends and family and professionals in my life that have facilitated my growth. I'm also grateful for you for being here with me through my recovery journey. I hope we have many years of beautiful recovery together and that as all of us women across the world become more and more healthy, we can be a great change for good in the world.  I hope that all of us together can find peace and friendship and safety.