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episode 48: When Couple's Therapy Is Harmful
I believe, as a clinician, that a woman in an abusive situation has needs that depart significantly from traditional couple therapy.
Dr. Jill Manning
Why is couple's therapy harmful for abusive relationships, and can it ever actually be helpful?
Dr. Jill Manning joins Anne on the BTR podcast to shed light on the issue of couple's therapy causing harm to victims of betrayal and abuse. Listen to the podcast or read the full transcript below for more.
Couple's Therapy Often Harms Abused Women
It is tragic that when women seek help from an intolerable situation, they are usually met with more trauma. Anne shares her experience of beginning couple's therapy with her abusive ex-husband:
[When we began couple's therapy], he just became more and more abusive through that process.
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn-4z9bCehM
How Does Couple's Therapy Traumatize Victims of Emotional Abuse and Betrayal?
In a situation with abuse and sexual betrayal, there is not equality. If there are any secrets, and dangerous secrets at that, and there is a lack of safety.
Dr. Jill Manning
When abusive and unfaithful men attend therapy with their victim-partners, they may become more overtly abusive and possibly dangerous. Here is what can happen:
* Abusers may use concepts they've learned in therapy and turn it on their wives
* Abusers may react with violence and verbal abuse after a session if they feel "picked on"
* Men often lie and gaslight victims during the therapy sessions
* Abusers may learn to fake empathy in order to get what they want and further traumatize the victim
* Therapists may not identify abuse, or may identify the victim as the abuser
* Therapists may counsel victims to engage in unsafe behaviors with their abusive partner
* Therapists may divide the "blame" on both parties when abuse is really not a marriage problem, but the abuser's problem
Safety: The Bottom Line
In terms of healthy attachment, safety must be there. The abuser / porn user must respect his victim, be willing to tell the whole truth, give up his entitlements, honor her as an equal and ask for and receive her consent in a healthy way. All of the elements of healthy intimacy also apply to healthy attachment.
Dr. Jill Manning
The most basic need of every human being is safety. At BTR, we believe that every woman deserves emotional, sexual, mental, and physical safety. When safety does not exist in the relationship, couple's therapy may deeply harm the victim.
When Is Couple's Therapy Helpful? (Timing Is Key)
When sexual [acting out] comes to light, and there is a betrayal that surfaces, people like myself ask couples to do something very counter-intuitive: that is to not engage in couple therapy initially and sometimes delay for a long while.
Dr. Jill Manning
Dr. Manning's "Rule of Five" indicate what is the necessary baseline for a couple to consider beginning couple's therapy: