Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Abuse and pornography use are not marriage issues. They aren't communication issues. They are abuse issues. Two people cannot resolve abuse. It has to be 100% the abuser taking accountability and making amends for his actions as well as seeking a change of heart. There just isn't any other way around it.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery



Hidden abuse: by its very nature it can be nearly impossible to identify.



Many victims spend months, years, or even decades not knowing that they are being abused.



On the free BTR podcast, Elsie, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community shares her tragic and powerful story of discovering that she was married to an abusive man. Finding the Betrayal Trauma Recovery group was what she needed to not only survive, but thrive after betrayal and abuse.



Victims of Betrayal and Emotional Abuse Need Support (Especially During "Discovery")



When women discover pornography use, infidelity, and other sexual acting-out behaviors that their partners have been keeping hidden, this is referred to as "discovery".



The trauma that women experience during this time is exquisite and tragically, many women go through it alone.



I made my first discovery in September. This was my first step forward in me becoming the enemy.I was the one that had cracked the shell of secrecy.Elsie, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community



Abusive Men May Become More Abusive When Their Secrets Are "Out"



As in Elsie's case, oftentimes abusive men will become more angry, defensive, and abusive when during and after discover. By making their partner the "enemy" rather than accepting responsibility for their abusive choices and taking accountability, they are able to avoid making restitution and can continue acting out without consequences.



This can be a dangerous time for women if their partner is prone to violence - even if the violence is directed at objects or animals. Emotional and psychological abuse are always precursors for physical violence. Women's safety is the number one priority of BTR: if your partner has become explosive in the aftermath of discovery, seek help immediately.



Victims of Emotional Abuse and Betrayal Often Experience "Secondary" or "Institutional" Abuse



I immediately sought out counseling, but I was never allowed to express anger. That would have been inappropriate. No one had any real answer at this point.Elsie, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community



Secondary abuse, or Institutional abuse occurs when a victim seeks help from therapists, counselors, clergy, and others, and is further traumatized. Here are some of the ways that professionals can cause trauma to victims, though this list in not exhaustive:



* When the abuse is minimized* When the abuse is justified* When the victim is told to trust and/or forgive the perpetrator* When the victim is told to be more sexually available to the perpetrator* When the victim is blamed for the abuser's choices* When the professional sides with the abuser* When the victim is told that she is "just as sick" as the abuser, and needs to "work on her side of the relationship"* When the perpetrator is "diagnosed" with some form of trauma,