Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Women come to Betrayal Trauma Recovery often feeling confused, crazy, alone, and disoriented as a result of their partner's abuse and betrayal. 
This glossary is intended to help women identify abusive behaviors. It offers helpful terms and practices that will aid women in their journey to safety and healing.
Abuse
A way of thinking that exploits human dignity and relational rights inherent in expected social norms. Behavioral outcomes of the pattern of thinking are evident in being treated as an object, being subjected to covert forms of coercive control and cruelty, misuse or cruel treatment of a person. The aim of the abusive behaviors is control. 
Abuse is not just physical assault. Abuse is deployed in tactics that impact emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial well being. These strategies are known by the abuser. The results are devastating and severe to the partner, as well as any children in the home. 
Abuse are just as devastating with severe consequences on women and children. Women in non-physical abusive relationships often minimize their situations by saying, “He doesn’t hit me, so it isn’t abuse.” (This is a result of trauma.) 
Abusive people don’t lose control. They (are trying to) assert control through lies, manipulation, anger, sexual coercion, partner rape, physical intimidation or violence.
Pornography use is emotional and sexual abuse, even if the pornography user identifies himself as an “addict”.
Abuse-by-Proxy (See "Parental Alienation")
When abusive men continue to terrorize and attempt to control victims using the family court system, by harming the children, and utilizing "flying monkeys", this is abuse-by-proxy.
Abusers may practice abuse-by-proxy by:

* Claiming "parental alienation"
* Sabotaging shared children's relationships with therapists, teachers, doctors, etc. 
* Refusing to co-parent in a healthy, constructive way
* Inserting themselves into the victim's personal life
* Continuously bringing the victim to court
* Threatening or actually involving CPS or law enforcement simply to terrorize the victim 
* Attempting to convince (gaslighting) the child(ren) that the victimized parent is unhealthy, abusive, and/or in any way a less desirable parent than the abuser
* Neglecting the basic emotional and physical needs of the children

Abusive Patterns
Abusers skillfully keep their victims in (a cycle) patterns of emotional, social, and psychological entrapments that makes escape seem impossible and the abuse difficult to detect. These patterns can includes the following phases:

Grooming– attentive, kind, helpful, apologetic, promises to seek help, admits there is a problem in the relationship
Tension– any behavior from the victim that the abuser sees as offensive (including the partner asking for the abuser to seek treatment for the abuse he admitted to during the grooming stage) creates resentment which builds up
Abuse– physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual
Denial– gaslighting; minimizing; victim-blaming; bold-faced lying; turning friends and family against victim

Not all abusive episodes go through this cycle. For example, lies to deceive are ongoing, and a form of controlling a wife.
Accountable
Recognizing and accepting full responsibility for thoughts, feelings, perceptions, choices, etc., and the outcomes of those actions and choices.
Accountability
Taking responsibility for actions by acknowledging the abuse, working diligently to change behavior with a qualified abuse specialist, and doing the incredibly hard work that Lundy Bancroft desc...