Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

This podcast episode is part of a series. 
Join us for:
Part 1: My Porn-Addicted Husband Won't Stop


"My number one goal with BTR.ORG is to teach women what safe behaviors look like so they can begin to establish safety for themselves because you cannot heal from trauma if trauma continues to happen."

Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG
Betrayed women need resources to help them dissect what safety really means. What has just happened to them and how can it stop?

Emotional abuse is notoriously difficult to spot and unpack. Women need support and empowerment to find healing. Learn the four ways your husband is emotionally abusive and begin healing today.

Amy Kate and Anne discuss the abusive tactics of unfaithful men. Listen to the free BTR podcast or read the transcript below.
Lying: An Abusive Tool of Emotionally Abusive Men
Emotional abuse victims state that the chronic lying was one of the most painful aspects of the relationship.

When the person you have given your heart and trust to, lies to you, it is truly devastating. Trust is shattered.
We'll use lying which is probably one of the most rage-igniting things when it comes to partners. The lying drives us insane.

The abuser will change the way he views things, like the female he is talking to all of the time and whom he ends up having an emotional affair with, "She is just a friend; I don't even think she is pretty!" Or when she discovers pornography on his computer, "I have no idea how that porn site is in the history. Maybe it's a virus..." He is creating this reality that is not even real.

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery 
Are There Different Kinds of Lies?
Lying is not just stating the opposite of something you know to be true. There are many different kinds of lies that abusive men tell.

* Lies of commission: this is a lie that is blatant. "I didn't use pornography yesterday" (when he did use pornography yesterday)
* Lies of omission: he used pornography yesterday, you didn't ask or discover anything to ask about, but he didn't disclose it to you. This is a form of lying just as serious as a lie of commission. It is also sexual coercion.
* Fine-Grain lies: he knows what you are asking, but because of the phrase it, he intentionally withholds the truth: "I didn't use pornography yesterday." (when he did use it the day before yesterday)
* Exaggeration: yes, exaggeration in the hands of an abuser is absolutely a form of lying. It is a way to dumb down the abusive behavior and withhold important truth from the partner. "I only used pornography for ten minutes yesterday." (when he used it for over an hour)

He's Emotionally Abusing You When He Uses These Tactics

* Detraction: this is a powerful and manipulative form of lying. This involves telling some of the truth while also inserting some kind of emotion that detracts from what he has just admitted to. "I only used pornography for an hour yesterday. Aren't you proud of me? I was so excited to tell you because that's the shortest amount of time I've ever used it and it's just really awesome that I'm making progress. I'm going to call my sponsor, I know he'll be so happy for me, just like you are!"
* Any other form of manipulation or withholding of truth. Any time that your partner says or does anything to deceive you from knowing or fully understanding the entire truth, he is lying to you. Any time that he destroys or hides evidence that would help you to discern the truth, he is lying to you. Lying, in and of itself, is abuse. 

Blaming: This is What Your Husband Uses to Emotionally Abuse You